Steps 3, 4 and 5 at the Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

I'd like to now introduce our guest speaker for the month of June getting better and this week Reagan and I'll be speaking on that two three four five thank you for your help

I would open up a whole cleanings Greg

it's nice to be here again once again it is unless we get a day in my home group is from rock Monchi group entry on the Jersey

my sobriety date is one twenty nine ninety

there's nothing I did to deserve that date which is that circumstances and the pain got great enough for me to finally try something different and where I left off last week is where I'm going to try to finally try something different even though at the time my motives were really not

a second soul

now just make the pain misery I get a roof over my head get upon and make my life back the way it was and I always had the chance to see the dreams are where household should be even though I never lived in a household that I had an example of that but I had his own fantasies about myself and so now

it's thirty days later from my last detox any time I left the detox and right back to where I was right back on their break you wanna talk about insanity now my my tell me this wrong here when my doing here shouldn't be here

and go back on the bridge middle get whacked and because that's all I knew how to do it and it it took their I told you is they made it alright for me to be wherever I was but for some instance the little voices kept saying the same thing cool and I kept trying to put a finger on a problem I couldn't figure anything out but the only thing I could do and the only thing my mind kept saying was all take care you just do this

just do this so I'm packing myself up on my side not the packet in the mail on the where

I had nothing is that what I had on me and and that was a little one of those little sissy belts they call on

I don't know what was in it maybe a toothbrush

this is our Robert have once when I would change my appearance by cutting my own hair without a mere you try that sometime

you really got a picture of it you know anyway I was

anyway everything down out in LA with Nick Nolte and Richard Dreyfuss

bevel down Beverly hills something with it the eight with the dog and stuff and I was living like that I smell that bad if you look you know and

and here I am I think I got control you know I think I got the chills on well back to be detoxing

and again they welcomed me with open arms and the first to detox I made fun of this because it came in I counted five hundred times one woman said and and and yeah that's what my mind was I I didn't wanna hear these people talking about my mind we should use the little story you were telling me

function alcohol gonna make a funny but those are the stories that were coming in and I said you can put on the U. seven stuff like I would you know I was really unique in house for that

follow me follow me and making fun of these people on lap and let the right now being disruptive that everybody's telling may turn out the cell phone here I am not talking over everybody you

story of my life

give me one of the social workers at this time is the third time in detox I guess means big book

with issues like I threw the step up months before give me a big book and this time is that I'm back to my room I opened up the back of the book is a story of a woman

yeah he did step back here and you have to think that you know

and I'm not happy about it I didn't look back again I guess you're finishing mobile

I don't have a clue no clue and when I said last week the process started

it's like the little Porter Rican at the bus stop only if you go to a game and I go to detox people always trying to help me

but this time again the pain the second century how I was living in and I'm going to try something different I mean I really I can't say at this time I open mind you know and all this

I just knew

what I was doing wasn't going

it wasn't going

that's when they made it to the twenty eight day rehab now and in there what I learned

they give you these shots in electrode and what happens when you when you're under the influence of it and

and I flew to the realization that my bumpers weren't working

well yeah we get pinball machine in the footage don't work like the electrode the guy this way electrode going the bumpers on human beings this is a bad bumpers and that

but that's what I was trying to do all my life and I succeeded and thinking

hi how are you going to fix the

how you gonna fix me

what do you do for me

now and then they had little sessions and stuff will powers and

I'm there one day and asked to have groups group sessions and what do you think about this person

no just like in a I gave in my opinion now

something's happening there I can say this I saw him speak a little bit more and believe that if I would have still been there but I heard

some people did touch me some people detachment hello

it was around Christmas time again now I've been on the street I don't hog a couple Christmases couple new year's new year's my birthday couple thanksgivings and it's getting Chris holiday season time again and some guy came up at an old was volunteers would love Christmas should awaken wonder where

doctor I kept it simple that

and come Christmas time

I got on the when I got socks

and I also got a meditation book for men only I just mention that because it was one of the first protective finish reading now Twitter account I know which day it was and I could do some some something like that

I also I took art classes in rehab

and I made a card again I thought it was Christmastime and made it made a couple calls and I ripped them up and I threw away the sin of my mother my mother hasn't heard from me for seventeen months

and I'm aware that day because she told me seventeen point seven on the street you're looking at more

now hospitals police departments and stuff and

and when they say and I was guilty of this I'm not hurt anybody leave me alone now morning hurt myself here that

as such a lie as such a lie so bottom line is that finally had the guts to send the card I didn't even sign it I didn't put a return address on it

I mailed it and buy the post mark on it

but where was from another definitely I don't even know what else you gonna fight which found me

I don't

and when she walked in with Matt a visiting and she walked in my mother was a very real issue full figured woman even though she was short

and she walked in she was nothing but a pencil

so you can't tell me we're not hurting anybody

you can't tell me we don't affect everybody we come in contact with and the ones we love the most the last March we hurt the most

things happen I

I had no place to go ahead when I got out of there was a twenty day weekend with some interviews for long term treatment centers I went a couple in Paris and I went to one in on and mobile apps and

Patterson with a waiting list Lonhro was an interview I went there with my sister

I mean I would have gotten if I had three hundred fifty dollars you know money talks you know bring money getting anyway I didn't have the money so I

I went to rehab and they took me for another week they were gracious enough to take me for another week mind you I'm a homeless woman I wanted to change and I don't know if it is and I don't I wasn't asking questions

so about a week and a half later now they made arrangements for me to stay at my sister this is a in the process people put now for me

I was gonna stay in my my sister's boyfriend's apartment little basement apartment I made all sorts of promises that was very sincere and keeping I told him I wouldn't drink anymore I wouldn't do this I would do that I would look for a job

I would

look for a job

I hopefully I would get a job and I will continue to go to meetings and I was sincere as I am here today because I really meant it I really meant it and each time I had a detox is only a matter of me making a phone call getting out and going back to the when I was doing this time my sister picked me up

introduced me to a boyfriend showed me to place my mother gave me one eight hundred four three stock will give me some more money for the week

and then a thought came across

have a telecoms forty days now

I'll make a phone call make some excuse to my sister went back and did the same thing again

when the flood came I told you last week of obsessive compulsive I got a thought I acted on its that's willing to patrolling

there was no difference there's nothing I didn't hear nothing about anything and need to re ABS

I was just bad numbers no no steps no god anything else like a drama and

I when I get another week and a half I never look for a job

my mother could give me food money and I wasn't buying food anymore

quickly I went right back to where I was

and I get a phone call actually called my mother's house he was discover how saying they had a bad for me

my mother call me if you really want to go there and I said it might

I only have to know where to get my bill

L. for one store the right the right words came out

may that long drive and then I was trying to be good with Superbowl Sunday I was trying to get all day I'm going we have a I can't get whacked I don't drink you don't we have you know

ten o'clock that night

wait long enough so I came again made a phone call I was up all night I'm trying I'm trying to do this and tried it and try to sleep on drinking VH sleeping not doing anything to keep you waiting I'm not having the time of a long

exiting out a horn is beeping has my mother father gonna drive me to place

so they ask you how how do we arrive at a a you know we were driven hearing and they would say that when I got the a at the rehab tries in thirteen months out we had to get here

my sister took me on my mother father took me on

at the Sydney okay that one right okay let alone

so when I get news recap my mother's crying in the waiting room she's crying proceeded to change the laws and all this other stuff and this is really really want to be an asset yes it's driving up that long drive the Marlboro psychiatric hospital fitting place for me to be as a country setting a target campuses the contents it's gorgeous I said to myself I'm going to be safe here which at this point I knew my destructive behavior I knew what a journey came to me I knew I would do it again

I told the people there

I don't think I tell them that this is my own little pledged myself to just leave me alone

I'll abide by your rules

don't make me share getting along if I had some of that and in the re having you know a little self knowledge you get from these places I should just go make the talk every time I go to morning meeting and and they'd be picking on somebody to guide the crying and they were trying to get a motion to feelings out and they talked about issues in South Africa leader going along with that not all of

what we don't know me and again I honestly don't we made a pact with you you had a she is part of the thing you've gotta **** you got to participate

and he said I'll raise my hand I say I have no issues about allies yeah I'll give you feedback I don't have those issues either you know ASL

that's the first time I hear that you know just selling I don't know if it's in the middle of my one

but I wanna stand if you want to and they don't leave you alone is totally fine there's no place on it I got a letter back from moving up the face regular battery at

not because of anything I did because of lack of participation

my model was a huge what you don't know about me can hear me now and I'm telling you nothing I'm not telling you how I lived in on the streets and garbage cans and I'm not telling you the only be doing this only readers they left me back and they told me you got to start sharing otherwise we're going to discharge you

a lot of lot of sleepless nights a lot of headaches I think I got to that and

I do too well at it I did the best I could I sign my name and I got up in front of people and whatever I had a

read this today because they they they screen yeah

and then you went there for one thing and I never came out and never came out I couldn't do it

and so lost thirteen months eighteen months and if he wants

now I'm looking at myself in the first time they were out that step but not again stop now and what is the book

should we made we were powerless over alcohol allowed on manual we had to surrender we had to make complete defeat and the fact I could see if I could feel the rain is falling and with only talking I must've been allowed like I have been all my life we

when you talk about and then and then they've got so everything is redistributed among us what do you think about this great I think it's a crock of ****

exactly I don't talk like that anymore but

that's what I said that

they were crazy I I don't know what the hell they are yeah I know they were talking about how we talk I'm not really

the feet surrounded he does things meant weakness and is sick is I wasn't as messed up as I want I I feel like giving my ways on manageable as you can see you know I'm not going to go in that area just down on my luck right now

but don't talk about all our stuff and then they kept pushing you know came to believe that a power greater than ourselves and I said yes people had a mind I said I went to Catholic school I've been there all my life

god is the reason why I was on their bridge

god is the reason why I am the way I am today

don't make me try doing yourself so again thirteen wanted it and picking at me meat packing back me back in back in

and I don't know why it happened but I just said I had a guy walking me around

talking about god

all

I can't see him you know all the same as you see here I can't see any and all program look at leave a box and then he says well you're still one of the must be a reason why you still live in an exciting idea now there's something else I got to go in and when I came down all synonymous

when I got out a plan to get out of the house I got a room I couldn't you know I had so many more problems than I can ever solve I finally got another check I was expecting this big check there was really gonna say my life is gonna be more money I've seen in my life but it turned out to be a wasn't and was a gift from god that it was it wasn't now

I got a job over to the whole process me another guy got a room together because I couldn't get gas electric my name I could get a phone in my name I don't have a driver's license and I was a poor credit risks so we got a plan together we had a nice place in and now I come in to a real world

by myself the I don't know counselors I don't have the

in the real world so to speak

and they're talking turn it over

I'll give it to god

initial want what we have

and see where they can always tell me what he's got you know we only have and finance if you want we have then you already take certain steps you know but then you can't keep it unless you give it away and I'm thinking

and how we would have like to get this I gotta do this I I can't keep it anyway so why am I gonna bother

and then I get inspiration and a sit in the corner here and I say if he can know what god knows I can deal with

I I noticed that in the

see what what we were reading I I when I'm still in I'm reading the step book I'm reading the facts that I mean the fifty seven to seventy seven I'm saying with them these people crazy but at this point getting out of there there was a change of heart I was convinced that I could not control run my own life I was convinced that

I make no decision properly I made a commitment to myself today I walked in that house and I'm going to try this I'm going to come to the ceiling meetings that I was going to meetings while in surveys I'm gonna give this a shot they convinced me that you manage your life right

you know they give this man anything else

and it talking about turning it all over and one guy we all know

I can't do anything right now we've got was dying of cancer and I'm only to each other how someone I'm working part time three nights a week and I'm all up and down I don't know where I'm going I get to twelve thirty me in this guy's going to canton so god give me the guy turned it over to god

L. I. on and I had to raise my hand and I said what he what he's talking about

you know I was angry I was more frightening than anything else I just I've been here for two weeks and I don't know nothing how do you give it to god what's this all about and please and now and then I started bad nothing free hold you know you people don't understand I get that uniqueness came right back in yeah but you don't understand I'm different free hold a one horse town they should close up at nine o'clock on from Bergen county with the deal you know I mean L.

an old everybody said yeah they all raised their hand when they said I was gonna say it anyway hello lovely town and I lived there all my life

everybody else just give tell me just keep coming back just keep coming back you'll you'll you'll get

I was forced I mean literally for staff my sponsor of one of the counselors I'm still on their outpatient thing and stuff and I asked this guy to get used to give me a ride home and I I

I set my sights I knew this is gonna be my sponsor

the one ninety degree only is what his son will come from the meeting any and I said it used a lot of people because you had to

hello okay I. have caught

read the latest on today I think he was asking you for the response they have like my sponsors and he didn't ask me

so I had to take this guy to meet the gases at at at at the at the institution and stuff follow my

my requirements the graduate just felt this program

their program

anyway they were they were talking and it came up that he wasn't picking my spots

he's great in that

the

he made me ask and I could feel my face get red and I feel like a little kid and I

would you be my sponsor hello and I felt that you really Asian many times asking go would you go would you go out with me you know and

exactly what I felt like a little kid

one thing I gotta remember to somebody else you should tell me six awards we got to say I don't know I need help solve actually I was getting that point

you know we talk about a lot of things and

my boss asked me to read the book

and I gave that the code that it gave a lot a lot lighter less we get and never look at my life went on to allow this book is going to help me so I don't think I'm going to start now so my sponsors infant with them gave me a set of tapes in the set yes P. one tape and it had to be we agnostics

the first thing I've heard and it started making sense to me now I had to ask myself the question was

what do these things mean to me what did they meet me out

tomorrow Friday thirty

at home in my book here I had a a sad old superstitions all traditions old ideas and how to work and I was told I was told that all ideas emotions and fix things is this the way it is just the way it is and I've learned today even today we hear people say all the time what can we do it this way yeah because this is the way we've always done it and I kept telling Greg an open mind don't take yourself so seriously now lighting up a little because I have blinders on I I I was selected as I made a commitment and I was going to do this hell high water but I didn't know what I was doing now we have a very serious problem one line I also thought that was a one word thing until I looked in the book in the store to one lakh

and they tell me like an upgrade

as you can see I've lightened up a little bit

if you're not laughing at yourself Greg you're missing the best deal in town

I am like a

I mean anything learn the laugh at yourself great because everybody else is

you know people would ask me to go out after the meeting go to lunch and stuff and I can't do that

can't do that I made excuses I I heard Michael I gotta go sleeping no matter

I don't have enough money I can't do that so this one day after I I bash three hold

I had some money

I don't have to go to work and I have no excuses so I said okay and so the fellowship based on around me now my sponsor was working on my spots introduced me to his sponsor

want to take me on a big book study even paid my initiation fee on my mind says I can't do that I can't go home again act I don't have enough clothes I'm going to stay in a hotel room I'm going to mess with these people and I didn't don't even offer the pain back as what about us if you don't own anything

my mind is a terrible thing and I kept pointing that out to me remind your stone worst enemy

you know

you are powerless you need a power

and this time I'm still understand what they're talking about I even for the word allergies I don't have the outlook you know I put everything else

my sponsor once told me

that I was belligerent

I thought it was a compliment but then those in the big book

I look at the word and the word says warlike always heightened something was on the flight need I'm given into the fear of it now I just kept giving it to myself

and

okay but they they didn't get they didn't let up on me again I got to meet my sponsor sponsor he took me on retreats Matt Talbot teacher and I found out that this is a special program that I need some some help and one thing I got out of my first retreat

was I see it was a bunch in the offices would have group when they walk in queens and these guys still sick

and I'm saying to myself

I remember but I need that bad now so I did get some help and I did not that I got some more help but I've seen it there's something working in me and I was able to maintain a certain and there was some piece coming in and I don't know where it's coming from but it was

with that I made that commitment and we're supposed to tell what the third step here and stuff and I had opened up my mind to ask myself what these things mean to me what did they mean to me what is got all the I believe in god but god didn't work remember I'm a Catholic school kid I'm a bomb on a sheet of homeless up and look at my a little problems like that

god didn't want so like everybody else is here at all make the home group will make the group Mike my power and stuff

I'll do it you know

yeah and then I go home right now how I'm not just with that you know I believe in god I trust him but I go home right away

okay serenity prayer I could remember but I say serenity prayer

I get to meetings I get to work

I had to ask for a ride I had asked for help no I work at eleven o'clock at night sometimes people drop me off at nine thirty to go to work at eleven

always there to help me and I never missed a day of work I never missed a meeting because of lack of help in something and one day I said the guy who's driving this is you know I'm really getting tired I really feel bad about having ask everybody for rides all the time maybe I should meet you

this is don't have it then I anybody privilege of helping you

I would do it today not only did she she's up in the head and get busy that maybe they're not even home I didn't call me and maybe not even home you know how we do that at home my wife bought a

and I just kept pounding on the end

I went to a lot of staff meetings

in a read out of all the book or essay book that goes hand in hand with this book

and I'm asking I'm begging for her so my life asking questions it was it was me which feels routing the deal

and I. S. another guy another guy and I always get different answers but the one they gave me the answers is just being good to yourself meet with other people

I I think I can do that when I when I accepted

I accepted that one

and even when I was in the in the in the institution we're in a certain phase and one of the guys got his call I will be able to go to meetings with a lot of beginnings meetings and it always seems to be on a third step

this is arguably taking the god now

what somebody made it pretty clear to me at that meeting they should look

we just turn it over to the care of god you had care of your life for as long as you live and what you did to yourself

you know and then my spots and and the tapes helped and other people talking to me and they said

L.

turn my world my life will not have a median at all times one of god's will for me now

well I found that if you keep reading his book Italian found god's will for me to be happy joyous and free

now

all the problems I had gotten lucky guy didn't do it

now

I had guys will play that

I will in my life nothing but my thoughts in my actions I can understand that better will will is really outstanding spooky and then again you're talking about so I could change you talk about spiritual experiences spiritual awakenings you being talking about being rocketed into the fourth dimension and later on it will you say you are now into the world of the spirit and it was it was little I thought I was going I thought I was doing and I was a little heavy for me to take it was just too much all that stuff and talking

yeah I haven't got to keep it simple and do it in our own language I'll never talk like bill Wilson and that would be at a library shooting

sometimes I try and I fell of the wars

and they took me to the appendix and everybody told me from the day and I got it all they had to change how to change my team and I would think change the light changed to one person with Brooks Robinson and a weaver and then when I got my sponsors I could change it to my spots anything and just like his father and his father told him he can't be need to be yourself his B. cell the best grade you can be I had to try that

my life one

no one on the whole the whole first year and you talk about early sobriety

a commitment

the girl to do the fourth step I told I want a lot of

a lot of Stephanie

back then in my my spots in nineteen fifty he does read this book read it again give me a call just like Jones hall used to have that we will hand out the column form I had to go get a hazel this is where I'm at get a Hazleton guide I had a girl getting a guy that I had to pay for seventy five cents they had the nerve to charge me

I had to get other information and I had to get all the stuff

and I don't want the panel to move nothing would work

I'm going to meet him asking questions at all I said I really want to do this when I got to be ready when will I know I'll be ready and their answer was you don't know

I kept getting these you'll know I had a good night going up so I started even discover house we went to a meeting the friend of mine and one of the meetings he was handed a card had to search that prayer on

and Chris is here look at this I don't want if you have and I'm saying to myself that you don't want a white woman sitting I want but I started reading a prayer early on even in any institution and it had been hours ballots who had the same impression that a lot of people get about one L. Catholic school stuff when I started reading origin really near the line itself and stuff like that and in an institution with a saying they had a long I was supposed to memorize this and I never did but only thing that sticks out to me was free from the chains that bind my life and nothing this very separate leave me of the bondage itself

Allen

so what I started doing third step I started looking at and I started asking god for help and is another thing I don't usually talk about but nobody told me I got it right I gotta get down on my knees I gotta pray again old ideas Catholic school this whole thing you tell me they want me to

right you want me to read if you want me to write those old ideas I I hated to do that in school and now you tell me are you down on my knees and I'm alone in my apartment lose gun I get the door closed

I still cannot get down on my knees I don't know all the shame guilt fear or a what was it people give me tips for you slip it on the bed when you get out of bed in the Daniel I would get out of bed I be petrified I'd reach on the whole the slippage out Karnal

I don't know what it was

full full while in a I was waiting to be good I was waiting to get good so I could do the steps I was waiting to get the job done you can tell me hello when I know that kept on you know when you know you get

it's only six point

the steps are friends ain't gonna hurt you and I got her to

and that's going to hurt you we don't want to get better to do these things

we do these things to get better again those are separate from the third separate I have made no formal decision I made no formal search that Perot my sponsor

my sponsor when he got me he got better you know what I'm saying because he had a work I finally put in the work

at the time he was just staying one step ahead of me now this is just the way it was for me and him and his sponsor would work with him and it was going good and we don't look

so I'm praying I'm waiting to get ready and I went to bed one night my pen one right I went to bed one night I need to think about and I

is off four o'clock in the morning I woke up

I got up I grab a pen I got whatever piece of paper and I didn't have any you have had prepared

I used to write on the back end to cassettes and stuff you know but the process started I started running I started running

hi Sarah and I didn't

in east

what was in my mind up at that time and on the new year's backs surveyed at that was it for me right down not that it wasn't for me it just that I I wrote down when I could write down I called my sponsor like before you went to work and I just I did a

I got it done I said I'm gonna take a

these really are gonna take a little more time to see if anything else comes to me but it's like when you're in the bathroom and you constipated not nothing else came back to the whole week

I took a whole week of sitting on this thing

with that member now I gotta I gotta tell I gotta tell I gotta tell this guy I got it I got my pretty pretty good from where I am now and one thing I did learn

by going to the meetings here in a different era group number got I mean Friel county

right these things all these new names

yeah I'm still saying that these people I just met these people and I got I'm looking back of what I'm seeing the same

and doing the same things in there and I realized in in this very column

which is really tough for me to them

unrealistic expectations

I tell you easy fluctuate I'm usually disappointed hello specially from the ones I love

and now I'm trusting you to people in the eye and you you you if people are on my list

what he's doing to me I realized it was me that was announced on the C. Pat in the area

so I see a big pattern and I wasn't too easy what

it wasn't too easy right now I start to realize that

J. selfishness self centeredness ups on understand this is a little much else on the extremist

on the maker of all my troubles and I identify with the next line it says but we usually don't think so

and I was I with the one but we I don't usually think cell so now I'm sorry to see this stuff and

I don't like it I had nobody else to blame

I am also everybody tell me you're very angry guy and in the house in that institution llamas around the play was very popular that was my nickname and I was miserable yeah

not many people tell me to my face but I knew it was

I don't see where ballistic miserable

I'm happy person I am expecting everybody else that they can make me better and I also found out it's not the people that are doing things to me

now it's what they're doing to me that hurts so there goes the hatred for my mother because eighty for my fights not to go away I mean how can I hate them they raised me they put up with me now and I didn't even get any further with this I'm sorry she said I don't like it

I don't like it

you know

meeting one day and I want to try to stay on the third step here because I know I'm supposed to speak about my experience in other people's experience like to throw and that's pretty difficult because that's their experiences

remember me my sponsor at a meeting one time and we heard the word your voice it out loud and you know you get Downey's response email we both look at each other we shrug our shoulders

we I think we

mmhm hello we went we did it

when we did it

there was a profound effect

mmhm really nice it was nice it was difficult I thought it was difficult for me to pray by myself

celebrate this IC ally a major Louisiana process again it's a process the problem I had I had my struggles and is a little story I like to tell only because it is a good start the guys walking down the street and he's using a cone what about of like trying to get out and the guy I think he's gonna do the butterfly help you gonna cut it open and he's gonna freedom our flight by flight gets outclasses wings a little bit and died