The Big D Roundup in Dallas, TX

god

I offer myself to you

to build with me and to do with me as you will

relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do your will

take away my difficulties

that victory over them may bear witness to those that I will help of your power

your love

and your way of life

may I do your will always

my name is Brenda I'm a recovering lesbian Hispanic Catholic alcoholic drug addict

I'm in

there's a girl in my home group to she's like do you have to lead off with that

I said yes I I think that these people need to know who they're dealing with right away

let's get a little one to let us just below but another study concludes the soda

let us just put a minimum deal deals but let me look at me I'm going to deal

you can support me so well not any less

for those of you who don't understand Spanish what I said was hello

I can tell you already that some of you watch way too much television

the way I know that as I started to speak in Spanish and someone turned on the person next to him and said who had the S. A. P. button

your honor so cute you know don't inconvenience alcoholics are like is this gonna be bilingual

titles they ruin the movie

I thank the committee for the invitation to come in to share my story today and especially mark and they never let you pick anyone else it's your own damn fault

I have my I have been clean and sober by the grace of god I didn't believe in since July the third of nineteen ninety and I am indeed grateful for that time

when I got here one of my first impressions was I walked into the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and my first conscious thought was I don't know where we are but we can't be very far from hill

being here with you this weekend I'm not sure where we are but we can't be very far from the fourth dimension

I've made it a point to while I've been sober to never speak at a place where it's being recorded

I just couldn't afford to leave any evidence

so the tape from the workshop yesterday in the tape from the seed did this the session today will be the

but what I can explain you know it'll be the first time I've done that and

all I know is it of the CD or the tape get somewhere ten years from now on some new comers listening to it in the car if they all of all they get is kind of she made it I can do it that's all that matters to me you know I don't care

it's funny because I have I went to a conference in I guess it was in cedar canyon or somewhere and found out that they were actually recording it you know that I guess they knew and they didn't tell me before whatever and the guy comes up after and gave me one copy of the tape so what are called more called and said can you send us a tape I'm like what do you want to hear you know I I he he meant of me

you know like I'm like my music good

I said well you okay mark I said I've got one I said I'll send it to you and if you could just like hold on to it and send it back that be really good and I mean the alcoholic years he calls in January and he said listen we got your tape all I have good news and bad news good news is would love for you to come share your story I said yes I will he said bad news is that we're listening to the tape it broke in the middle we don't know how any of your crap bins

so I'm here to tell the rest of the story

if if anything I share with you today comes out in any kind of

sequential chronological order no one will be more surprised than me

I'm gonna share it as it comes in you can go home and sift through it later okay

hi

by the way you lie low mention there was going to be here today Kimberly mentioned to me the other day that she was seven months old when life alert sober

let's not tell okay

god what that's gonna do you know

I'm really glad to be here I'm glad to be sober present and accounted for in my body okay here is where I am I am weirdos but right here in front of you live in color unplugged okay

somebody said to me yesterday after the workshop she said damn she said you're the first one I ever thought they need to videotape instead of record

he said because when they listen to the tape for the CD is going to sound really pissed and they're not going to get it

it was funny there's some young kid running around here for the workshop yesterday he says man you look so serene he looks so peaceful

I hate you

okay so here's the deal what I want to know when I go to a speaker meeting is are they going to suck okay because your finger like invest

and I think we should just all

right so I'm gonna tell you wanna talk about and then you can decide whether or not you need to do any of you know

I am going to talk about pain surrender peace god love forgiveness Holdin on letting go I'll slow down

sorry

she's pretty

you know but that last one was like I don't know

I don't change my story okay

for the crab I'm gonna talk about me I'm gonna talk about me and I have a sponsored long ago who said if I talk about me and it pisses you off

okay

you know this is just the stuff I had to do it on the quality of my life that's it that's it it's just the places I've had to go the tools I've had to pick up all that and that's what I've come talk to you about and I've come to talk to you about god

and the reason I come to talk to you about god if I don't talk to you about god I don't have anything else to say

all and when I say god please don't let poverty of my own language keep you from learning the message all I'm talking about is whatever makes the sun come up and go to sleep at night without my direct supervision

you know if we waited for me sometime about eleven thirty I'd walk

you know it just happens with me you know when something takes a seat and turns it into a main goal now go harder can turn them into a musician

something takes an addict and turns them into a miracle

that's all I'm talking about

I I don't want to stand up to waste your time I'm gonna make a huge huge option I'm going to assume that you got the drinking going up **** everything up as bad I'm I'm gonna assume you got that part down

okay

so what I'm going to talk about you know I don't I have a problem sometimes when I go to speaker meetings and they've been here like four hundred years and they only get to recovery like seven minutes before the hour is over

I think you know

what happened to you before what happened to you you can buy one

so my drunken August three sentences

I read the beginning to feel good

then I drank to feel normal

then I drank to not feel

now if you understand that I don't need to explain that if you don't understand keep coming back

that's it now let's fast forward to

when I showed up in a I want to talk about what happened it's like no

so I have to tell you I grew up in a little town called denial

and and me and all my loved ones lives

I'm one of nine kids in my family there seven girls or boys one mom one dad and there were I guess like nine there were like fifteen of us originally in the other kids didn't make it out of childhood

the child before me died the child after me died what are the odds

we all still live in San Angelo that's on West Texas where there's only two gay people and we're all here this weekend

I think it's catching

as we speak testing the water back home

and so I know that the only part of my story you care about is the part that sounds like yours so I won't like do the childhood stuff other than to tell you that it was the most painfully wonderful thing that ever happened me

I was twenty four when I sobered up I'm thirty seven now

I only quit drinking because I couldn't take one more during

my suggestion to the newcomers don't quit before that moment you know you just it'll it'll just hurt

you know

why go if you're not done you know what

so drink until that last drink

drink until that last tablespoon of Michael

drink until that last swallow of Listerine

drink till that last drop of vanilla extract

drink until one more solo shaving lotion

and then

then if you're ready you can join us on the broad highway

I was twenty four years old and I knew my father was an alcoholic whether he knew it or not and I was just living in a lot of insanity so I called up a treatment facility I don't know why and I said listen I've got a problem with my father and he

look if you're going to get ahead of me I'm not going to share

I am on the phone right now

I said listen I've got a problem would you stop laughing you're cutting into my time

I have problem with my father and I'm really angry with him and love to come to the thing that you have there a treatment facility and and the young lady who answered the phone should wonderful she said on Tuesday is family day come on so next Tuesday morning I got up shower change went to the thing and there were a bunch of alcoholics and ask who had family day and I walked around and asked do you have family here

and they and then on some poor guy that said no I don't have any I said I will be family today because I don't have an addict here

how cute they let us do role play stuff and we were like really with each other never

it was great

so at the end I hugged him two might be back next

it was it was for Tuesday thing I went every week

I feel really close to him by the time we were done

and it was the last use of this meeting and and so I was saying bye to the counter lady invited my little addict invited the others and and that counter lady said you go to a meeting

a meeting of what

she said an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting it's an open me anybody can come

and I could answer she said get in the van

if you're new

and anybody ever says do you get in the van do not get in

so here we are me into pneumatics in the van

we get to the age group they let us out I feel like them I don't know why

so they went into the a meeting and I went into the out on meeting because my father was my problem right

I'm sorry went to Alan on and they start a scene bets on how long it would take

dot up Sir

it's been one of the ones at that

never told me I needed to go to a they just always told me you there's on the door over there

I thought we could do more and so I went out on for a little while and then the lady who should get in the van that lady she was in the lobby one day and I said you know I can I ask you something I said my sister made me really mad yesterday and I went and bought a big old thirty two Cup of beer at the party born and I drink and I didn't want it

she said all

I said and then the day after that my sister made me really mad and I went and bought a thirty two ounce Cup of beer and drink it and I didn't want it

she said along

she said I haven't we're sitting in the lobby is a risk to wonder people standing around and she says why don't you just say my neighbor in the nominal only

and with all the indignation I could summon

I looked at her and I said because it would not be

look I told you I grew up and then I'll get off my ****

she said that's fine if it's not the truth it doesn't have to be the truth just say it now she's starting to piss me off right

on the spiritual speaker was I supposed to cost

yeah whatever yeah so anyway so I said okay okay my name is Brenda and I'm I'll

my name is Brent all you're going to go it's just fixing to get good bye bye

get

they're not mad

I get expert

I don't care

so anyway the long and short of it is I finally said it when I said my name and I'm an alcoholic everything that I had ever hidden behind came crashing down around me I started to sob uncontrollably on that couch

and she said you know what tomorrow's Friday night there's a women's meeting here at seven o'clock here's my phone number I'll meet you here at the meeting

so I went home and thought of a million reasons why I couldn't go I couldn't go I mean you know I was going to take care of the dog and I didn't have one

there were so many things I needed to do and I couldn't go I could and I picked up the phone a hundred times a day to tell her I can't go

I went

I went and I stood it literally out the door of the Alcoholics Anonymous room and the lady the band lady she said I brought you this far if you're coming in you're going to have to come along

and I stood at the threshold and went

okay hold on

and I stepped into

Bolick's anonymous my first meeting was on on is my second meeting was on truth god had big push for me right away

I went to Friday night meeting and there were a bunch of women there was a women's meeting and there were about eleven or so of them

I just noticed that I was impressed because I didn't know what a woman alcoholic look like

now shut up I've been looking at one in the mirror for a long long time

I looked around and went

they don't smell very bad

so the meeting was over and then this lady stood up and she said you believe that the cattle with us

I'm an alcoholic and an addict them at the end online this white woman wants to know do I want to go to the cattle Pam I open my mouth and I went yes I'd love to

she said good get

but you know I'm smart I'm smart I'm extremely intelligent I said I'll take my car

she said get in the van

so I go to the man I get I get in the van we go to the cattle at one point they they sent us a long table in the back at one point I looked down the table and realized sitting around the table with eleven white women

the image of the last supper came to

all I could think was I hope to god not my friends see me in here

and at that moment I got Jesus you know what I mean

so we went to dinner and the lady said the van lady she said there's a meeting at eleven o'clock in the morning when you when you come and I'm like yeah yeah I will be there you know I will be there

the back of my mind thinking you're never going to see my **** again

so I showed up to the electronic meeting the next day

I show up the meetings in them it right in the middle of it and of a sudden we signs okay and and there's like this coming there's a fight in the lobby I walk out the door and there's this guy with this huge forty four ounce mug you took it get this guy aside the forget blood everywhere people screaming everybody's pissed some he's saying take it outside take it outside the cops come in

and I I thought to talk to the same time I thought you know what this is where I came from I don't need this I don't need to come now gonna turn on a miss to see this I'm going home to see this

and the other guy I thought was I'm

I mean

so I can't come in Alcoholics Anonymous and god bless the women college anonymously took me under their wings mostly because they were for you

and and they tried to help me and I didn't want it

I don't know what I wanted but held

you know people would save you while we were I'm like what do you drive in

so they help me and there was this one woman was Pam and she said listen here's my number I think you to sponsor you

and I should DO whatever I said she said call me I said what do I call you she said well call me anytime you have a deal

I didn't have a whole lot going on for me but I did have a lot of ideas

this show rocket ride long I'm going to meetings I'm trying to pay attention they're trying to help me I'm trying not to let them I was angry I was just miserable you know the spiritual condition we all get here in and this lady said after meeting listen why don't you help pick up trash trees

I said oh hell no she did just that

that is because the ground

and they need a janitor

and I'm gonna have to nip this in the book

so are we the furthest corner of the room and picked up this huge square glass ashtray

and flung it across the room

sure trash can on the other side of the room

the lady called me over she's come here

I didn't have a problem I thought in my mind I think you

she said come here

she said we're not gonna start you with ash trees

she said why don't you just pick up the styrofoam coffee cups

so I should replace

and I wasn't happy to be there and I wanted you to know I wasn't happy to be there I don't need you when you needed to know that

so I did a a meetings and I'd bring my newspaper

and I would sit in the corner of the room as soon as things started I'd open the sports page

and there was a guy there god love him is names well okay Wally and it would like really it would like really really make you mad because he was about the the recovery and I was about the business of piston I'm off and he'd say you know if you're gonna bring your paper you just get out of here

loved him

so the next day I brought my paper and my headphones

I Greg my club so I get my paper route and I put on my headphones

now they weren't alone

born on you could hear every word that was being said but I couldn't let you know that I knew that I needed it

you know and I made a few meetings and and I started to feel better and I went home and I told my mom I said mom I think I got a bad thing it's going alright she said good good I said they don't have a leader

do you know like they don't have a leader

she said

she said we'll go we'll go back I said I am I think they're going to ask me

so I went back to Alcoholics Anonymous like I was running for office okay

I was glad to be greater hello welcome how the hell are you

and I still make some friends and there was this guy use a coke addict to come into Alex anonymous and his name is Pat and and we loved it and talked and stuff and I wouldn't you know Jeez I've got thirty minutes I'm crazy I don't know what to do I really want to drink you know and and I'm trying to listen I'm trying to pay attention I'm trying to be promoted from cops I'm doing everything I can I said and I don't know what I'll do I think I'm going to drink any comes over where I am he said you know what I know exactly how you feel I was there that happened to me I said all right so what did you do he said well I really think that what needs to happen is you need to sleep with me

I said

all right hold on just a minute

I just had an idea and I need to run it by you

she said the call anytime I had an idea right

I said I'm up at the a meeting and I was talking to Pat and I was telling him that I really really wanted to drink and I don't know what to do about it and he said that what I really needed to do about it was to sleep with him and I was just going to call and check that out with you because you told me to call you

it

what she told him but I haven't seen that son of a **** since

so I tell the women I sponsor of anybody in Alcoholics Anonymous as for your phone number tell them your sponsor wants to know what step they're on you come check that out with them will confirm whether or not they need your number

works for me

so I I'm I'm time I'm feeling much better I give my one year birthday all right well you know I need to tell you something important and I was drinking just with my family I don't have to go out in those you know Jeez world drink the same you know Monday Tuesday groundhog like a Christmas item you know and and I was drinking with them and I got to treatment and

and they let me out on my first weekend pass and I was so excited because I missed my family I miss them I love them they what I knew I knew I had an where I'd been and all that and I called my sister and I said come giving us that they're going to let me home for the weekend and I was so excited she pulled up the way she you know and and I got the car with her and I said I'm so excited she said good because I wouldn't stop over my brother's house and they will go on and I should also I get to my brother's house and they've laid out this huge K.

to celebrate that I got a weekend off treatment

and it scared me

I walked in I wanted to see them all and I love them and I miss them and and I couldn't drink

and my older sister came to me and she said look if you're gonna be part of this family you're going to have to drink

in order to cry

I started to cry because I miss them

when I need to go

so I called I called the treatment plays a little don't come get me

and that was the day I decided that if I needed to lose my family to do so but that was what lead

I got my one year you know feeling better and Mikey dive tool I have mind you there's nine of us right I have twenty three nephews and nieces eleven eight nephews and nieces my sobriety station changes every day it all I'm staying sober I'm finding a way to live my life I'm showing up for these kids I mean I've been to more violin recitals they should be required of any sober

when I go when I'm excited and I'm thrilled and it's the grandest piece of music ever heard you know and they get down off the stage and they're like

it was cool and I'm like well

it was excellent and I'll go back I have a nephew was got my arm muscular dystrophy or cerebral palsy and he's in the Special Olympics I go when I take signs and I you know Eric's end run along the side of the road

and

they're like you she said you know

and I do I show up with signs and streamers and banners what eighteen year old nephew when it took his driving test I would that the DP

and I've got you know

so we're trying to show will throw their stuff man

because I told god one thing I said if you help me get so right promise I'll do everything I can not to miss one more moment of my life god made good on his promise

so I show up for all of it you know when I got when you're sober and I called my sister who said if you're going to be part of the family you got a drink and I said Hey I got one year and I'm calling to tell you

she said god you've been there a year they haven't made you the print yeah

things move slowly there

so I started sponsoring women

the first question is do you feel about that ashtrays you know

I think someone should have asked me right you know they started me off you know and by the time I moved up the ashtrays I somehow had the feeling I'd been in

so I started sponsoring women and I play on the phone with them all the time this one's for you mark I play on the phone with them all the time you know we say the third step where the seven step and we just go do that deal and they call wherever whenever I'm on my cell phone now

I I would I would teacher and I taught sixth grade and then Mike my kids move on to the junior high and I was at the junior high for an awards banquet of some sort and it's an old auditorium in an old building and I didn't have very good reception but it was one of the women that I sponsor and she called and she goes I really need to pray I said okay didn't know the person I'm like repeat after me and it's like creator

she said my creator I am now what she does I can hear you I'm not willing she is I I can't hear you I'm not willing

she said

I'm willing to use

at the exact same moment that one of the boys that I taught two years earlier was standing behind me

I turned around I saw him standing there and he said sorry miss

crap like that happens to recovery all the time you know how was I ever going to say to the boys upper and he's like yeah

so I start sponsoring women are still a little better and about two years came for me

in a one line

I just wanted to die I mean I was going to AA going institutions making coffee sponsoring women go yeah I was doing the whole damn deal working the steps to the best of my ability and I wanted to die and I went and sat with the therapist I was seeing she said you know what if you can leave this office and tell me that you're not going to kill yourself then you need to go to treatment and I looked at her and I said you obviously do not know who the hell you're talking

if there was a poster child I would be it and you know with any minorities

so so I went to the treatment facility and I hung my head of the doctor and he said hi honey if you've been suffering from depression

I thought

there's a name for a few I didn't know

I didn't know I said

I don't know he said all we can take care of that you know what I found out when I was two years over that I was trying to stay sober was some old ideas

some old ideas about me some motors about use some old ideas about god

my old ideas and my new way of life for doing this

and there was no peace

so I went to treatment every day for fifteen days outpatient you know who took me to treatment

the two women that I was sponsoring

it was great one of them would pick me up at six in the morning and drive me to the treatment facility and the other one would go pick me up at eleven and I didn't take me back quite they do that because that's what I taught him how to do right

that's why they do what to do when I needed it and I told the woman to sponsor me to give you the best I have because I'm gonna need a back from you some day

so I went to treatment for fifteen days you know what we did we took these three little boxes three little leads me you got let off of them and started digging out all the **** that was in there

the ideas I had about you was that you love me as long as you can get something from me

the ideas I had about you is that I was only as useful as I was to you that you would hurt me given the opportunity that if I trusted you you heard me that if I love do you leave

the ideas I had about me was I was worthless useless fat ugly meaningless work I mean all of them

the ideas I had about god is that he was after me didn't let me do you know he was a shame that there was one kid he should've gotten but not made happen it was me you know and and I walked around with that information so we dug all that crap out of there you know in the stuff stuck to the bottom turned out that didn't belong to me at all

so to get back to the Catholic Church to get rectal

so I leave treatment after fifteen days with these three brand new cleaned out boxes and I said god tell me the truth I don't even know what the truth is

and there was a lady standing next to me and she's she looked over she goes you know what she goes you're really funny

that's it thanks I appreciate and I'm walking down the sidewalk and god said it's for your box

hi when I know I'm so I put it in my books

then somebody else a few days later so you know what you're really stubborn

god said that's for your box

to which I said what ever

that's what I've been doing the whole time I've been in Alcoholics Anonymous ing out ideas you know you know so if anything I say makes you really really mad don't do that I'm gonna leave here in a minute meet somebody in the hall there sure new view and a new view

and then used

beyond the something you'll still be mad don't do that

no I have you know more people start reading the books another buddy I know you know I would quote stuff from it they're like that's not in the

was something that is in there

besides they were never going to get off my

so people would like to start reading the book so that they could come back and tell me what it actually said I loved it I said oh you're welcome

I love the Alcoholics Anonymous man absolutely it's why I show up to work every day that's why I show up for my life it's Y. short for my relationships you know it's why I show up for whatever's going on so I'm less than thirty days sober I turned my world and my life over to god and I woke up in a college class studying literature in the early eighteen hundreds

I was in college

do not turn your will in your life over unless you've got some time

so I started going to college I don't know there's a little book it says if you want a degree in this take that so I just did that I just started taking the classes and not show up in fields paid for me to go to school and I don't know who it was and it really doesn't matter

you know and then and I got and I went through and I and I got it all done and and you know there were some things that I knew were missing from my recovery like that I had missed the the time when I was supposed to be a little person and when all the big people were supposed to be present and accounted for

that didn't happen

the time when I was a little person and somebody was supposed to pick me up and say man I love you'll you'll have the most beautiful I have ever seen

of all the little girls god could have given me I'm so glad I got you

somebody should have said that to me

didn't happen

so I'm in college I'm working it out you know and it's so cute because there's what eighteen year old kids I'm twenty four now and they're they think I'm their agent you want I'm like I used up my quota thank you

yeah but you're the one of all of us

when I give you think finest is the word key but going to college

so I'm in school and I get a letter in the mail from the dean

oh hell no

when you get a letter like from the dean don't open it right so I stuck it in the drawer where my underwear I guess you do need to know that but like in a drawer and I hit it and there was no way I was reading it because I thought it's up they know they know I'm an alcoholic they know they know I don't belong here they and I'm not running I'm not reading it I didn't get it

drove me nuts became insane really really quickly

now I I I had opened it and I looked in and and I don't know I can't and in one day like at three in the morning I call my sponsor you know

because that's when your disease will come get your rest by the way

I called and I don't know what it is a deep she said read it to me

I said okay

it's also

you made the dean's list and we want at this point she starts laughing hysterically

now I see that it said the dean's list and I'd been on a lot of medicine I don't want to be

so I'm for another letter a couple of years later and it said is also if you're actually going to graduate your twelve hours away and you need to actually compiled a degree plan at some point either

okay

but I finished my last semester I graduated from college with the tea tree

you know it at I think that's great I think it's great that I can do that in people will run from the room to go check their kids are little you know I'm

you know and and its graduation it's graduation day and then this is the day I've been waiting for and I'm so glad and and me and my family was going to go

six thousand people in the Coliseum in central Texas and I've got my cap and gown on in the day has arrived

so

so excited and I walk in and then this mass of human beings I look over to my right and I see all my nephews and nieces hold up signs that say

well

you know wasn't he and they called my name and you know they move you like cattle you know a little cattle run stuff well we don't know

no somebody had made an announcement that if you open your envelope and there's a note in there to go see the registrar's office and you can pick up your degree at a later time I'm thinking not

so they called my name I stepped up on the stage I got my own little by said holder

I'm open this baby right here

they took it out in there is my degree

absolutely and I looked up in the sea of people and I saw my father

now

it's been a long time since I know my father's eyes

one of the last times had been one night when he called me into his room and he said you know what I'm so sick of who you are

I'm so sick of the fact that you make of sort for your mother

the day your mother dies

I better not see one tear in your eye

and if you start crying I swear I'm gonna knock out every god damn tooth in your mouth

do you understand me

I said yes Sir I do