Cindy A. from Placentia, CA speaking in Victorville, CA

in a graceful Allen an intern in and

I thank her for this commitment and we ask you to do this I thought it was a joke

and

asking are you sure you got the right person and I kept asking her until the point to the point where she started to doubt it herself

he went back and also on camera the group to make sure that it was me thank you for suggesting that I didn't Clinton and I noticed that one special thing about this is that that I'm here today

where I come from by all means anything you standing here I should be like that I think about where I where I should have been today I should be on welfare with a bunch of kids and a gang banger in jail

that's right that's where I come from I grew up in a family with answer and my parents came here from Mexico to find a better life for us and basically I know that I'm part of that was there following a drunk my uncle was a drunk and my parents responsibility was to make sure that he was okay wherever he went and he came to California and they came to follow him to make sure that everything was okay because my dad he took care of him and he he protected from every time you got into fights and that was my dad's responsibility to keep him out of trouble and I grew up thinking something's wrong and that it was something was wrong with me I didn't know what it was and I just felt like I didn't fit into that family and I thought that I was adopted because they're all dark dark hair and I was white and I would call hunky a lot when I was growing up white girl and Okey and all those words and I believe them when they call me that because I I didn't think I belong in a family but I don't really think that you know I had that look like that nope I just part of myself that there's something wrong with them not with me yeah because I think in what we were asking for them because in the neighborhood I grew up in when we first moved in there there weren't very many Mexicans there and our families that out you know because we we spoke Spanish and nobody in that neighborhood folks manage that and I thought that's that's the problem you know we don't fit in here and for a long time I didn't know it was alcoholism I thought it was the fact that we were Mexican that was the problem and my sisters were taxed and I wasn't I was scared all the time and ask for a long time my sisters and my brothers or my brother you were my protectors and if you were a guy and he did something to me I tell my brother but I would ask you where he would be U. S. right my brother is six six nine nine six four

so everybody in school was afraid of him because he was he was the biggest financial and my sisters were cast and I remember

my friend used to ask me are you this isn't a game you know there's a social class they had little group my parents were very naive and they had this little group they had they hung out with you know they had that that Jackie in the make up in the streets in their hand the penalties in the khakis and they told my mother that it wasn't working it was a social club and it seems that they did was they were social they were going out and they don't tell my mom that they're going out and beating up on other girls and you know many young girls with cars and tell her all that my mom believes you know that my mom has a lot to try to make everything okay and she thought that I didn't know a lot of what was going on but I listened a lot you know I listened and I listened to the conversations that my parents would have when I was sleeping about my uncle I declined to Columbia again you know what is he doing you know you know with this business about this is the price I listen to all that stuff and I took it in I just never said anything you know and

amber being a really my brother sitting in the living room and the dean of schools in our living room and my brother got kicked out of school and when I asked my mom why she said well he's not kicked out of school he just didn't start great that he's going to do home teaching now and he's going to work and basically what my brother got kicked out of school for which he was selling drugs my sister was with the fire and yeah but my mom the way she made it like is that he's really smart when my friend asked me what my my brother wasn't there that's the story that I can use them you know he's really smart he's working and held it for some reason they let him graduate at the end with the class so that's like everything was okay and I know that there was a lot of chaos in our family and my dad took my little sister and I along with with with him whenever all this is insanity or teachers I remember on my breath my older brothers a drunk and today I can say that and today I know what it is and he's taking on the same route as my my uncle and I remember taking him down he was in a car with that issue not as wide and my dad had myself and my little sister in there and we take them down and I remember jumping out of that car

going to the door when my brother was in his car we are at a signal and yelling at my brother and telling him how could you do this how could you cheat on your wife and you know I know my brother was just doing what he knew how to do his get loaded and he was out there womanizing and that's what he learns here because he grew up with my uncle and and I remember my sister it's like there's like all these little things that now that I've come to the program it's put together and I know that it's alcoholism and my sister I I don't think she's a drunk I think he's like one of us and she's pretty intense and she might be a lot of years he's got his his rest like that you know and and she beat up people shouldn't care if you were a guy or girl she just got a card and punch them in the face and got back in the time we take off and I'd be in the car with her you're sitting here you look at the wrong way thank you for being here my friends are afraid to come over the house he was my my protector you know and I I remember my sister get involved with the guy

fresh out of prison and doing the dressing coming home loaded with you now and I remember physically with my brother and my sister out of the house you know it's like you know we can't take this anymore she was feeling so my mom is causing a lot of insanity I was I was the one on the phone with my mom when she would come home you know she would come home for a weekend and I was on the phone calling the hospital looking for her and you know he's actually what kind of nation not coming home we're not calling anymore we're not calling the police for not paying hospitals if you had to do her deal you know and I know the reason that I don't think she's a drunken because

years ago she was sharing with me how she was sobering up gang members into Hank Keathley Hankerson grams two chairs and putting them in her garage just over the map and

raising she's crazy you know and and

full of years ago I was talking to her and I'm

in the end she tells me has to be that the neighbors it's like he's still doing it you know my sister so she's crazy Allen are no they're not Alan on the nineteenth is in my family are treated and drinkers you know

that's basically the kind of family that that I come from and I know that there was a life and I love the disease in my family and every angle on my mom's side of the family has died of alcoholism we just never caught it off the hologram you know we call here you know he had liver problems have kidney problems and when I got here the programs like I had I had the weirdest people sharing you know I I remember watching one of my own going to the hospital on Tuesday one of my uncles and he was he was

he was small and he was yellow and I remember him dying and I thank

in the program see see one of my local dialog hollers and intraday it's like I knew it was and I got to have some compassion for that and here's my favorite uncle used to P. need to bring in beer and it's like that's how I made my money he didn't have any daughters he had my friend and we have five girls in our family and so he he totally left on it and he gave me all the attention my uncle that are junkie all your pension that I ever wanted and he just made me feel special you know it's like every time I was around and I felt like I was special for making that special attention and I was attracted to that and I like I I felt like in our family were boring you know why don't my parents get divorced so why don't we ever moved I just felt like my family was really boring the excitement was at my cousin's house and that's where I always wanted to be here and we came to a point where I know that there was a fight between my dad and my uncle and I know there's drinking involved and I just remember and packing up the car with all the kids a station wagon and we're getting out of here we're not coming back and I remember my uncle being drunk I just don't remember the whole whole whole yesterday and there was a lot of a gas and a lot of years before we went back to the house and

and if you're like me just isolated my parents were trying to keep us away from the drinking and highest honor so that we can see and and you know and never the less that you know we walk out of the front of our house and maybe somebody shooting up in front of the house you know this but you can be the guy down the street getting loaded and that's where I walked in there every day to go to school that's when I went to school with Brittany that was normal because that's why I thought everybody lives that's all I need is you know when I started getting out of that little area the neighborhood I didn't know that there was life outside of the neighborhood where I grew up in and I thought that that's not our leisure when you know I got to high school in order to find out that there was lines out there and I started to enjoy doing this things like drinking and getting noticed and but that's what was around me you know and I thought it's no fun to be

you know that was in front of the people that were having fun with the people that were causing trouble in school the people that were leaving school the people that were getting louder and that's where I start to sign one and I don't know how I graduated from high school I was that right below the valedictorian and I was everybody laughed about it because I teach school a lot and I don't know how I did that but it does happen in on the deal with school and being good with them paying off for me as I wanted to happen and you know I started hanging around look a lot of games guys not girls go group and and I hang out is that a psychiatrist if I what I did I thought I'm not going to be like my sister's so I'll just go to another neighborhood where nobody will see me and I went to all the neighborhood where I was told that I shouldn't be because if I was there I was gonna get my **** kicked and that's where I went like I said just that whole idea of the excitement of doing what I was supposed to be doing in the war I shouldn't be what was intriguing to me and you know like I hang out with guys in

you get and three three this is not the life or we hang out there drinking get loaded with that and I I enjoyed being with them and I participated in that could be with them Hey you know the first thing that I wanted to get married to that I fell in love with when I was seventeen years old I met him the first read that added to your presence and when I heard that he had gotten out of prison is like you know everybody was around him because that's what they do in the neighborhood you know they they get out of prison they make a big deal you have a big party because he's out and that's what I wanted and you know and it excited me that he was willing to drive into our neighborhood and pick me up to take me out and on those those again and that he had a low rider impala again under the seat you know and that's the way he he got in and it's like a religion really out to go and I'm that excited me you know and I never saw I never thought I could be hurt or that you know that anything can happen thanks I felt like I was invincible you like nothing can happen to me as long as I am with him

many of that are kind of old for awhile because I'm so excited that we're going to take me anywhere I was always in search of someone who is going to take me away from this bad market I had intended it was going to rescue me and it took a little while for me to figure out that a gang banger whether you're taking out of there you know for me that didn't work at all all he did was get loaded with the you know taking out an ad and I started to look look for Mr right somewhere else and you know I tried I tried everything to fix me yeah I want to be rescued and I tried everything I tried on all hang out with all different kinds of people and it's like okay loggers stepping out Shep I'll hang out with these guys they go to have partners that we think have nice cars you know and here's the thing I was doing the same thing and then everything really took off for me when I started I started going to clubs in Hollywood and there's one place that I used to tell you it was a concert pianist and it was a circus you know you walk America warehouse and there's any cat and every type of freak in their you know their games there aren't anything you name it there and people are getting loaded everywhere thank you that's great you know he wanted because he got scared if you want to do they called it locker room on a dancer you can do that there and during during flowing you know and it was free for me because I just had a smile and I get whatever I wanted you know and help me to feel like I fit in you know I felt like I was special there and you know and I've never seen so many guys in one place and

and that's just like my whole mentality has always been like I lived in this little neighborhood where I was just limited in August and I started to get out and see that there wasn't another world out there but I was always always looking for experience and I always thought that it would come in the means of a man in a rich man and he was making out out of where I was living because poor me

and

the places that I was looking for them or I was identifying a rich man there but I thought you know I interview you know I think what do you do for a living our help what kind of car do you drive where do you live and then I look at the closer look at the shoes at the shooter math class and he really didn't have any and

and I I did that and and one thing is that I know that for myself and your relationship ever fix me you know no one guy errors makes me and I I just thought you know it's like my friend and I we have the thing is that men are like money in the bank you would have to have him in the bank because you never know when you'll need to withdraw and it's like one would never you know it's like this we have the quality that we have this quality and this would give me to tension that will give you that attention and I never had any ambition to get married and settle down because I was always on the search and I honestly I never felt that I could be faithful in a relationship in fact I think what's the use if I were to get married I would see

so what why even bother with that so I I never had these dreams of walking down the aisle with the white trash are all the things that most girls have really if I didn't have those dreams you know it's like I just wanted to have fun that's all I wanted to do a password to be irresponsible and have somebody take care of all those bills I charge that the storming credit cards because and I really really believe that I was going to meet a rich man who's going to pay all the bills and there was just that wouldn't St talk to me that was like that was to me I thought that's reality he just

although this wreckage is very very clean it up for you but you just gotta keep looking for that right person who keeps building up that recognizes all along and you know here today came when Mr right walked in the door and he hadn't seen on any other right shoes on and

retiring every time my friend I want him to get him and it took me awhile to work is that you know it's like I don't think that I got him

it's funny that the night that I thought that a plus and he came up to me and he asked me to dance and he asked me for a ride home later on I found out that he had he lives and he never drove through a crowd because you want to get one on the way home to the thinking cap to the crowd and then the five girls to take them home and don't matter who they were to somebody and I remember going to his apartment and him telling my friend I keep talking she's

you can pursue anything bill make a lot of noise just take off your shoes and the reason was that they only had girls at their annual girls that are high hi pumps making all that noise so the landlord you they can't help me have parties with girls up there all the time so you have to be quietly officer today he would get kicked out of there and when I walked into that apartment and this is my insanity is that the couch was turned upside down

there was papers all over the place there was a joint in the refrigerator and I don't see anything wrong with that

he needs help he needs somebody to clean this place

and I took that out of my responsibility and I was my way in and out you know later on I found out that he had a BMW and his parents had a business account even more class in out and so I think I took the responsibility of taking care of him and I said in that apartment and clean it up and you know I still in the morning to work at seven o'clock and he can breakfast and it never likely to me like he's drunk at seven o'clock in the morning and I don't see anything wrong because you know what he was doing what we get that's what we did we we went out we got we got strong opinions look up in the morning however I went to work I come home at three o'clock in the morning I actually work at seven o'clock hello over and I saw nothing wrong with that so I'm like we're just doing what we do and that's what we grew up around that's just what we do here and I saw nothing wrong with that I think this would be her stock in

I got tired of that one day because it wasn't happy about I don't even know where I got it from I remember telling him he ain't and he you're calling me an alcoholic and medium long and then I I just let it go but then I thought I position by reading him and so I broke up that broke off that relationship and

you know but part of me was like she's gonna want me back you know he's going to see how how bad it is without me and he's gonna want me back and he never called me

so then I thought I technician beginning and end of life and letting him know and he didn't care you know and I'm the one who came back you know it's like my dad passed away and I needed a fresh

name and address was the fact

your cell when my dad passed away the first thing that I did is I called back and I have time I call the drug

and he was my face and he became my fix and I thought that he could fill that emptiness that I had inside and never knowing that it was a guy hole you're always thinking that there's something missing I just need to find it I was under race and every time I got to the finish line I found that I wasn't in there they needed to keep running

I thought a lot of pain a lot of people's lives and friends life and my family's life you know it's like I wasn't that drunk the actor a lot of the same actions you know I remember coming home so lotus and crawling into the house my mom watching me and waking up and wondering how did I get here and looking out the window my car's there it's like I I did those things to be with them you know and it's like I knew that I needed if I wanted to be with him I need to be able to hang with him so I drink tequila that's what he's doing and I thought I can hang you know I can hang with them but the the time came when I got tired of that you know I got tired of hidden in the apartment watching injury you know I thought you know it's time to settle down in the end he listen people reversible options like that that's going to fix it and I thought he was moved to Fullerton him

and yeah I thought he just needs to get away from that friend and he had this one friend Easter they said on the floor and they turn on I remember the song anything like this the whole time and I think it's a vacuum cleaner and I talking into them while they're doing that not even went so far as like I got a friend in my car and I took him home because I thought that was a problem and you think it was it would make me crazy because just as soon as I knew I got him to the house where he was that I come back he was here again and

I couldn't get away from here you know that I know that that guy John he saved me a lot and getting hit

you know he didn't in the middle of the class so that the guy they got here when hit me and he didn't he didn't appear a lot with that and I'm but I want him out because he was the problem and I guess he's really started to take off once once we moved out here to select out of people or ten and we sat in a studio apartment a lot and I watched him drink a lot and I got angry a lot and you know I even tried being drunk when he got home from work so that he could see how stupid it was an email he sent me out of the apartment tell me to leave and at least you know I come into the sliding door and come back and he can get rid of me you know he was going to get rid of me we did a lot of crazy things in a chase each other down down the alleys he we had this thing where he fell hello my car and I kept going and he rolled around it and uses a lot of drama there is a lot of drama but you know I wasn't leading to many terms wrong with me that I can't stay in a relationship and I'm gonna make this one work and I cannot

and I

I'm grateful for that relationship exactly got me here you know my family of the hologram would never get me here like I had to go out there and remind by my own out out there and you know I think there was violence in that relationship and

I appreciate it a lot of it had a lot of anger they kept a lot of things inside and I didn't know how to communicate I didn't know how to talk and see what I felt I felt that he should read my mind he should know what I want he should know what I'm thinking and when he didn't get it right I think I agree and it was it was like a little subtle ways and I thought you know by throwing things at him and

sorry I didn't mean to do that in

I was going crazy and I thought that the solution is that you can live out of this apartment is small and and in the meantime I I went to his parents I had never met his whole relationship I never met his family just knew of them and I decided that

maybe his family can help and get sober so I called her parents that their children if they had a problem and it only they can help him and thank you but don't come I called you and they met they met with me and I told I told him everything and I remember his dad always telling me he wants to just leave and spend a lot of him and yesterday I get home breaker had already called in and I just made it worse you know and he tried several times to get sober but it was never because he wanted to just to get us off his back just to keep things that his family had given him yeah we had many and wanted it there thank you for him was to buy a house in mind the business by restaurants and that was their way of keeping him busy so he wouldn't drink and his dad a call me occasionally to ask if you're still drinking and I always said no he's not doing any work and it just keeps getting crazier we moved into

to the perfect little neighborhood and you know with all the white picket fences like that on the outside and we moved midnight the day before new years and he and I moved everything on midnight and we found some drunk wandering around and he told them you know if you help you can take the steps that I don't want and we thought that you know this way the people does he is moving and they won't know who we are and we wake up in the morning already living there and and I thought that was a great idea because it was gonna be nears and if we started ten years out right and often the right neighborhood everything was gonna be okay and

that's it's just like that was just the beginning of the end and he just got crazier you know the outside look really good if you were to walking into the house there are holes on the wall the carpet was burned it's not sour when you walked in with smoke here and there the drinks were spilled all over the place there was no furniture and it was only a bad and catch them in the family room and a TV on the floor well in a treadmill in there in the dining room because he said that if you could do the treadmill for an hour he was drunk and I believe I might have to do that for an hour get up at seven in the morning or ten hours from home injury and I thought well maybe I have something wrong with me because I can't even do that stuff and I don't even drink and to the treadmill is there to prove to me that he didn't have a problem in every now and then when I know I can jump on the treadmill for an hour and I'm

and he just got crazier and I yelled at my screen and I threw things and I started putting my hand how I want him to hurt like I hurt and I think that I can say or do what made him hurt like I hurt and I Dennis I killing him and getting away with that and how I can do it and I really thought I can really get away with this and that thought scared me that I could really kill him get away with this and I want my family you know because I need it if my brothers knew that this was going on they they just do a man in my sister my sister would make the right phone call and he disappear and that's how my family is thank you don't benefit from the water there's a loyalty there that no matter what we do each other we stick together he better not do anything that because whether I'm right or wrong when I do something to you if my sister sees you do it it doesn't matter you did it to me you know and that's just that's a lawyer who is there and it's still it's still

the thing is that I don't have to participate in that anymore

and so I never told anybody that was going what was going on but I know that my mom uses something was wrong because physically

I was I was

this is heart healing there's no way that you can tell that something was wrong with you by looking at my house I

and I stay away a lot because I just couldn't you know I can go over there and I can see what was going on because I knew that I couldn't pull them because you know I have a sister

you've got five inches in which I can be your still in and out of jail locked into action only serves the patiently

and speaking of can help

and you know what isn't already been in prison

whenever I'm just living in east Delhi's users had a second here not very

and I try to save Kidd's thereby project for a long time but many many can't refuse from Holliston

things can't refuse Martha Hollis and you know it's like I've heard T. shirts like you know from the time there is that what they're going to be in that particular thing that's what they're doing and like I can rescue them and I was doing the same thing I judged her for living that way yet I was leaning faxing way here but I thought well you know what I have seen on the outside I bring those north from boxes every Christmas so I'm okay you know I'm not asking them for money I'm okay but I was I was doing the exact same thing so I isolated from my family and I don't live that far from them and my mom would make phone calls of the people that I work with cash to see if I was OK and they start calling your family and at the office because these are the highest family looking for me

and that just means they're away from them even that much more and I hated her you know it's like watching meddling in my life

growing up with my mom and she's she's a deeply affected by the disease and when stuff started happening in our family she stated that and my brothers and sisters in the age gap between art and I thought my mom wasn't there for me is you focus so much on them or what was going on with them she was in there for me Susan bad a lot of the doctors to listen to that with now U. intern took a lot of value issues and that a large construction for a long time when she decided that she wanted to be part of my life and she passed that saves lives six preview you weren't there when I need it you know I don't need you now and so I just like my family away initially I got to a place where it's like I just I just couldn't put together anymore I was driving two hours to work because I thought that was my face at that many with my sex you know hanging out with the doctors and their wives at work within a six week center that was fixing me

your name I was traveling around the sports car though little sports car with the inside of the car was ripped off because he tried to jump out of the car on the freeway and I had a car locking Avenue that the door was locked it is the whole drama going seventy and he's trying to buy the car and so you read the whole side of the car there's holes in there and just barely making it to keep me to work and you know what finally got me here is that we try one more one more time to get sober

and I thought okay this is that you know is on his face over I just can't do this anymore and I remember going to the hospital and in that little group thing we sit in a circle and parents in me there and I remember a time the last time

if you get drunk again I'm out here and then I don't remember what his parents told him that that just kicked him off and he ran out and

and you know it's like the whole drama with me and one thing though that I did here in that sessions there wasn't an alcoholic that was running that group and home he shared with me he said you know yeah if I drank and I was like on and off with that and he said you know I don't I don't date women who drink he's I'm sober

and he said any kissing a woman that just had a drink thank me taking a drink

and I heard that and that's still with me and I wasn't here yet but after this week and that would be the one thing that I get here that time and you know I remember leaving that in standing outside in the rain the whole dramatic stories that tell me really why don't you just leave you know I I don't know how many times I mentally can be why don't you just leave I remember them asking me if he hit you I said no and

insignias at that I wasn't gonna leave so he he went to the three day thing and I was calling the hospital you're letting him out too soon that's not long enough you need to be in there longer don't you know you get a drink when he comes out you need to keep them there will pay it doesn't matter how much it costs it would be fun and so I decided I needed to take matters into my own hands and prior to that I think is in pain a lot I went to a a lot with him and I know that I probably went there more for me than for him because every time I went there I hope I hope for him and I didn't not knowing that I needed something for me and you know that I know today that Amy meetings they do give me hope for that for the alcoholic but I need Allen on for me and so I decided I picked up on Friday seven the lines to the movie movie seven Amy and I was going to do this every day you know and it's like he just couldn't handle it he was still shaking you know and and I knew I knew what he was going through because he tried to get sober at home a couple times so I know what it looks like to actually go through DTC you know but I I at that time I had no compassion you know I thought just to get out and just do it you know and I have no compassion for him and he was a kind of dress he had seasons when you if you do please and I thought if I just hugged him and love him he'll be okay you know I had no clue what he was going through today I do now because of this program and his opponents opening meetings and you know nevertheless that he got sober on a new year's eve and I thought wow that's great he's in he's in the hospital Newsday starting the new year right you can be so over from now on

and five days later he took another drink a lot he told me I was driving himself crazy that he came home with those you know those little bottles little was beginning on airplanes asked if you let me put it on the counter on the show you don't have to treat

imagine my god apart when I thought I'd lost it and I come home every day and I look at the counter it's still there and on the day came when I walked in and help our listeners now

and I just I don't have anything else to say

I flipped him off in a locked out the door and I was desperate I mean I knew that I need something

I just didn't know what it was

so I thought

help me I can't do this anymore

I went home and I had the courage I had call Ellen on before

the only time that I call you to answer the phone for the time that I called

and this time I thought you know what S. S. I'm reading up on reading the messages time doesn't matter you know when I left a message that I needed to go to a meeting and

and I left my phone if I didn't care anymore I don't care who knew or who found out I just knew that I needed something and likely teacher about a last night at little pilot light is always been something inside of me that I've always wanted more I was just really I was misdirected all my life until I got here

three I just didn't know what more west and you know that next day I listen to my message from work and I found out where the meeting let me just close by to where I live in is that St Jude hospital and he was just happy to hospice of what a coincidence and so I went there and I I don't remember a whole heck of a lot how I got there I remember looking at a lady and she looked like she was going where I was going so I followed her and when she got her car after she is going to be Alan on meeting and she said yes and she walked me into my meeting and I think that lady occasionally his remember me but I remember her and every time I see her I remind you and I thank you for walking into that meeting she helped me to get there

if you need to know what she was doing and I don't remember

a whole heck of a lot about that first meeting I know that there's ladies in my home that they told me that they remember me walking and trying to talk to me and I went ahead and I don't remember them the only person I remember the lady that trusted me to my home my home group and I'm grateful for her is she's not in that group anymore but I know that god uses people to help other people and I know I'm grateful that she was there that night and that was she shared with me identify you know

I had a few days before beat him up

and I walked in the house and I need to move the car in the driveway and I knew that something was going on there anyway you're right but I wasn't gonna leave I'm going to go in and out and find out and when I walked in the house there's a woman in the back on the bed and he was saying that

is she looks like she looks like she's like seventy years old she's all wrinkled up and gray

choose her over me and I went after her and I hit her and she went out of the house like that and I would be satisfied with that somebody was going to pay and so I will I started beating up on him and it pissed me off that he wouldn't fight back you know he wouldn't fight back with me he does later let me head on and I pulled the blankets off the bat and I thought I'll be damned if somebody's gonna sleep on the blankets that I pay for and I do in the fireplace my little month fire and that's mine Downey like that that was going to make me feel better and you know it's like all this and I'm like what the hell am I doing you know when I turn that that fire off and on