The San Fernando Valley AA Convention in Studio City, CA

hi

hi I'm Charlotte and I'm a member of al and then

boy that was great

Kerry gave me such a beautiful introduction I wondered who she was staggering

haha

the minister of the roads prisons

anyway I would like to thank you for asking me to speak

and I would like to thank the committee for making me feel like a queen

and I almost didn't make it here tonight the speaker and our families speaking in the banquet room

but anyway tonight after dinner after eight to much I went back to the room

he has a new sign about the aircraft I am going to take I wanna talk about him a minute I want to take his inventory

but you know every time I ride over twenty miles with him in a car

I always say to myself not to him mind you because Elena teaches us we don't criticize other people

what I always say to myself I will never do it I

well I'm improving so because today I did say to him why don't you drive your car and I'll drive my

well he nixed that idea

then I said to him well maybe I could drive this time

well that wasn't the right thing to say either

and anyway all the way over we listen to that more news

I mean it's not bad enough to be in the car with

so then I got here and I had to put myself together and I had a very lovely dinner it was wonderful

and then afterwards when we went back to the room and he got ready to go because he had to leave earlier than I did and I said oh I'm so tired I think I'll take a nap he says why don't you honey I'll set the alarm for

well I want you to know if an attack or panic hasn't set in I wouldn't be here does that alarm never went on

I think he's just jealous he said I get more people than him

now remember everything we hear

yeah

you've got that turned off

oh dear

well I'm supposed to tell you what I was like what happened here what I'm like no you can see I haven't changed too much

anyway I'm wondering what that is you need to keep saying I'll never ride in the car with him again and then yet I get back in the car with him will the think about sex

anyway I was going to start with back at the beginning I've got a lot of times or I can start that year I was born on twenty nine to

the reason I'm twenty nine is because they go by the year I was born now instead of telling people when it really happens

but anyway I came in with the crash

you know I think everybody's versus a miracle but I and I've never told anybody about my progress I've never had a whole hour before

but I think mine was a double miracle because I came into this world weighing three pounds

and I came into this world in an outhouse and you can guess what I smell into and now does the honest to god's truth I mean in my arms around my home is still the old people still talk about it and I was never in a hospital or an incubator so I kind of feel god wants me here you know I spent all these years wondering why what for

the first stop the first early years of my life were very

I live way out in the country where nothing could happen

and

my parents did not drink I mean I hate we had no alcohol around at all so I can't say that I was exposed to alcohol early I can't really blame my parents for any of the mess that I have had in my life my parents were very good parents very loving they had to work very hard they were farmers so they didn't just hold me on their lap and say Gee we love you Charlotte but I always felt loved

but I had these ants that came out from Chicago every year and I knew very early that I wanted to be in the city I knew that's where you know that's where happiness was and that's where real life was and that's where all the fun was

so very early in my life I form that idea of what I wanted to do

and I also was very materialistic we didn't have anything we didn't even have a pot to put under our beds not even when it was snowing in Wisconsin but

that you're supposed to last

in other words we had to go out in the snow it was very sad

but I knew that if I ever got to a place where we had matched chairs around the table that that would be really living

and I had to go away from home very early why do I just want to tell you to about my relationship with my brothers I had two older brothers and they were great men today and they were great brothers back then and I was a horrible little sister they had to do my every

bidding because if they didn't I would tell stories to my dad about them and then they get a spanking and even in spite of that you know they loved me tremendously they always did my will it was so wonderful

and

they never had a chance to go to high school or anything because in order for us to go to high school we had to stay in the city and of course they were high school age right at the beginning of the depression so stay on my parents couldn't afford to send them to school but my parents always

dressed education get an education get an education that's one thing I remember they stressed and the other thing was to be honest

and also they see instilled in me a belief in god and growing up was not that difficult really fast I had to go away from home when I was thirteen and live in a room in the city without any supervision I was a pretty good kid I didn't run the streets I didn't trust in those days we always looked down upon the girls in school who smoked and drank and went out with wild boys and things like that size very good all through high school

but then I got to be seventeen

and I don't know about the rest of you when I got to be seventeen I became all wise I knew everything there was to know in the world

yeah I had two goals one was to become a nurse and the other was to marry his city sell

and so off I went to college

then you know I missed a bus one day

if you can guess what happened

I happened to meet

afterwards you know after we got married in the trouble started I used to always think that maybe god was punishing me for missing that but

anyway

and this is

a durable charming man hand I don't care what you say alcoholics are charming people very charming very exciting

you know when I think about and what it used to be like I mean on our early years gosh too exciting my husband was fun fun fun

yeah he really was the windows that ends

anyway

we went together to

I like to tell these stories we went together two years and he never even took me to a place where drinks research

now

when they tried to when I heard that he was an alcoholic

no before I heard that he was an alcoholic but after I realized that he might be drinking too much you know I felt real sorry for myself because I thought he really took advantage of me I was a poor little victim of circumstance and all this self pity that you can just fill up with when you think of are you were taken advantage of but you know what to look at it honestly I have to think that maybe I wasn't too bright because I would have if I'd even brighter I just thought that was kind of funny that he never even took me to a place where drinks are served because back those days we used several beer parties you know and other boys to take you to little beer parties

my precious charming poignancy never took me to any of those places

I must talk to him about that

yeah would you just take notes from

and I'll tell you another thing a nurse and an alcoholic are a deadly combination

because the nurse loves to take care of all

and the alcoholic allows to be taken care of

anyway we got married after two years of going together

and I really I really was I thought it was the most wonderful match

I'm not laughing at it but I really was very happy

and the first timers are going to take a drink was on our wedding night well I thought that was perfectly normal for everybody drinks on their wedding night

and then he played with a dance band and what is a wonderful job for somebody who likes to drink but I'd also like to say in his behalf but he never ever took more than two drinks

I know this because he told me

and

yeah

I he needs every saying he told me

everything that this guy was my god I mean I had no other god because you know the guy that my parents taught me about that I realize that was only for people who were weak

and people were strong didn't do that kind of a god they didn't need to listen to our stories tales

now I have this wonderful god that I lived with

and that I took care of

so we had a little girl

and then we had thirteen months later we had a little boy and then I knew I had died and gone to heaven because I had everything in the world anybody would want a beautiful husband and a little boy and a little girl

and then at three weeks of age our little boy died in his crib

and it was at that time in my life that I hit my first bottom but because I knew nothing about bottoms or anything I didn't know what I was hitting

but to me it is a feeling of

absolute hopelessness yes I had no idea what to do the only piece I got was to walk outside in the snow in the winter time and listen to the snow creek under my

this week's I didn't eat or I didn't sleep and I would hear my decrying and I've learned a few lessons it

and I guess that's basket cases you can become

and then one day I said oh god

our relationship is taking care of me even when I didn't know enough to take care of myself I thank my little son yeah about seven years of

alcoholism through

and in the place of the little boy three girls

but when I had which made for see I didn't see the future is going to hold

but then we started down underneath it all these crazy things I mean one of his favorite sayings was to you know take the razor blades Whittle away at his wrist well of course I didn't know he wasn't serious and I go crazy running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to help him

and the money that we spend on doctors

we could be living in Beverly hills even back in those days psychiatrists were very expensive I want to tell you I always tell about this doctor in my talks I guess I still probably ever resentment towards women

after thirty years

but

see nobody told me that doctors really don't know how to treat alcoholics and I really didn't think I was married to an alcoholic it was much easier for me to accept the fact that Clancy was mentally ill then it was that he was an alcoholic because an alcoholic is spineless

you know they have no backbone they have no willpower and I would have to think I was awfully crazy to have Merion alcoholic I didn't want anybody else to think I was crazy enough to marry an alcoholic but sometimes somehow

the fact that I had Mary someone mentally ill it seems a lot nicer to me

anyway this doctor he told clients who want to see me in cells I went to see him

and

he asked me a question I answered it to the best of my ability

and he said is it state or is it destiny

now we went on for one hour like this with him asking me questions and with me answering as well as I could and him saying is it state or is it destiny well I want you to know that all these years later I'm trying to figure out is it state or is it destined

anyway you for the rest of the story when

they go down to the corner to get back to cigarettes and come home three days later I'm sure you've all had experiences with that

when they call and say we got dinner on the table of the radio a week later and they come

angry because he didn't use the dinner warms

and you know the funniest part about an alcoholic I think it's funny today I didn't think was funny back then

but no matter what happens they have a way of switching what was said around what happened around

you know it was all your fault

so don't do that again they went into the program

so you live with this constant guilt

and fear

what can I do what do you guys from the arable Stephen

Ellen I accept his cell which was I thought I couldn't do it but he did it

because I have learned in this program that if you do it

good things will happen and it was when I did that that a lot of my fear last

my guilt

my resentments toward Clancy last

my self pity I mean I didn't even know what south city was before that I sure have a lot of it but they didn't know what it was it was making me feel so bad my feelings of inadequacy all that stuff

which could be listed

and I had to go to work after my I took my first step

and I was driving through that under pass out there by the LA airport

and I thought you know I don't even need this car I could just fly that's how good I felt after I took my inventories

well anyway I have to keep up for a whole hour huh

and I know when I made my amends

I was amazed at the things that I had remembered hurting people

my sister in law in particular I was so nasty to her I mean I used to she married my brother when I was about thirteen

and I used to have

fights with her

you know it on the floor the new year with my sis

he doesn't remember he didn't remember any of that I mean she was amazed to hear I was apologizing for these things she didn't even remember them so many people my children

hi yeah

when I apologize to them made amends to them they didn't they said mother you've always been a wonderful mother here I had to go and spoil that you know

Clancy has always been well he hasn't always been

has always been

I'm quite active in a

not as active as he is today but it's been quite active

now in the beginning to one of the things that sets it was very hard for me to let him go to these meetings hello I went to a lot of meetings with him had to keep my eye on him

so when I finally did that him wander out buy and sell

I thought I really thought when he when I heard the car drive outside being bad

and I when he walked into the bedroom I take this D. D. brass thoroughly expecting to smell alcohol and always being surprised when I didn't

you know walking also fast by any way

there was it was it was hard for me to have states that he was really staying sober and yet at that time I still didn't admit that he was an alcoholic I say to people or my husband's in eighty eight he's an alcoholic what he said I could break if anybody has always break

and and I would say that with my lips but I couldn't believe it inside of me it's actors on the program about five years before I could really say and believe

my husband is an alcoholic and really believe alcoholism is a disease I thought there was another thing he made out

so anyway and then it used wins accolades and I were talking about it just last night

how exciting things used to be because people would call me up

what they were even going to kill me sometimes women would call me up and tell me how much in love with clients who they were and they don't do that anymore I mean life is getting dolled

and I said my goodness Clancy what has happened because every once in awhile you know somebody would be always get up and head in the windows of the shot out in the car and here we live in Venice and those interesting things don't even happen I don't know crisis this is a different type of alcoholic cancer

I think maybe it's because you're getting older women women don't find themselves trapped

but you know and that was something that was hard to get accustomed to

I used to know that these women are going to kill you so they can get your husband or just that they just call up to tell me they're in love with them

one woman in particular I remember issues come over as as working as she come over cooked dinner every night

and was wonderful I come home if you down this seven course meal already

and and I hate cooking so I thought it was just wonderful

it wasn't until later that she told me we became good friends he's told me the reason she was doing it was because he was trying to get my husband and she really fast as the way to a man's heart is through his stomach

what you really didn't know if the client's needs he doesn't like food

what I

but anyways

you get back to the women's

I always find some interesting subjects

there are a lot of good looking young girls in Alcoholics Anonymous I don't know if you've noticed

but as I spent time on the program and as my self worth grew because when I came here I had absolutely no self worth but as it grew

I found I didn't have to be jealous of anybody

and I can honestly say this and I say it with humility it might sound arrogant and smug and self righteous no that's what used to be but I can honestly say today that if clients he worked to divorce me he would be the least

let him know

well here's one along

and I've all I have to change my talk now all I want to tell you that

Monday night was the first night I talked in over two years

and I thought maybe I had brain damage

because they did an operation on the where they stop my heart and put me on a heart lung machine and you never know what those doctors are going to do when you're sleep

and as you can guess by this time I don't like doctors to well

please I hope they're not in this room

I always say that and then I always wonder did I say the wrong thing

but anyway Monday night I talk for the first time and and I really was surprised

but I do have to change my story because I always used to tell about her children and how great they were and they were I think they are more take anything away from them I do want to tell you just one thing about when our first child left home to tell you how far on the program I was spent

but when she got married

every night I after dark I would drive by her house

to be sure has been resolved as Jeremy

thank god he was because I don't know what I'd have done this

is he hasn't been

but anyway I always used to tell them my stories that we never had any problems with drugs or alcohol and our children

we didn't

and I think god knows that he had to try to not have that happen because I would be it would have been too fragile to have stood at

but a year ago last may

our oldest daughter join the program available like synonymous

and I didn't even know he had a drinking problem

course he's been out of the home now for about twenty years

then in June

our youngest daughter join the program

and now I guess she was just giving her husband hi hello this time

at the time I mean you wake up in the morning find her laid out on the

kitchen floor passed out

find her passed out not knowing where their three little kids were

you can bet if I would have known about that I've been a nervous wreck I am very grateful to this man that he didn't tell me why you didn't tell clients the best kept secret in town

but grateful

then

in July

daughter number one number three

diner number three join the program

yeah the girls knew about one another aulic except they didn't know about daughter number three because he was the biggest sneak in the bunch

as in this is really something her husband's mother died of alcoholism

and yet of our sons in law he was the one that was in the greatest state of denial you'd have thought he would have been so glad to see his wife gets program since his mother died of the disease but he really

really tonight but he's been an Allen and now for some time and he's doing very well

story way three of them in three months

home

so they said to me mother are you mad at us I said Matt answer I'm so grateful that you've got to the program without my having to get any more gray hairs

so that is one of the benefits of the program

now I've got two more children I'm not going to make any kind of

I'm not going to make any predictions I'm not going to be our Tuesday highs still sinks are also homeless but one never knows

maybe I'll be a hundred percent

yeah I have had to make a lot of changes since kids left home

somehow I don't know if any other women feel the way I feel but I felt when my kids all left the nest I kind of felt like there wasn't really any purpose in life for me anymore I mean what do you do they're so used to going to PTA meetings and working in the library and

in all working the kids classrooms and all of a sudden nobody's calling you

you call at the school and say I'd like to be a volunteer they never call you back

they don't want you anymore I mean once you were very popular mother in their ranks and now then all of a sudden nobody wants your needs you I found that very difficult

and so what I did is I have so what else will I do and I thought I'd given enough time to kids

forget about kids so I thought well start a place for abused animals

well how do you do that when you don't have any money

so then I said well what I need is some lands where you find out about lance the real estate office best deals never get out of the real estate office so I went to school and got my real estate license

anyway I'm working on it

still don't have any land or money

but what I am telling you is that as a result of this program I have found that I can do anything I choose to do

and the reason I'm not doing things is because I don't want to do you know but I can't and that's that's called I guess self confidence or something like that the program has given me that

and I want you to know

there anything else I want anybody to know

for an hour is a long time anyway you look at it

I want to stop now

welcome back now to the farm

no I really don't have anything else to say I'm about out of it I do wanna talk just attach about my higher power because when I first had found out real higher power you might just call god I used to direct him

I used to say please do this please do that please do this and I'll tell you he was very nice and very good to me I wanted to be a city lady he's given me a city you know yeah I'd love to be back on the far

but he has given me practically everything I've asked for but my relationship with him now has changed

and after I got over giving him directions then I started in the beginning I would try to turn things over to him and I turn them over and then I'd go about my business trying to solve things here I'd be going in this little rat race going in circles

and then one day it occurred to me you dummy why do you turn things over to this

being that you call god and then you spend all your time trying to solve it yourself and you know I've been in the program I'm going to tell you how many years since nineteen sixty three

and it has only been recently that I am able to accomplish what I call a complete surrender to my higher power isn't that awful after all these that's how long I have played around with this program

and I could not accomplish that until he knocked me right down and I hope other people can accomplish that before they get to that point I've always done things the hard way

but what I do now is I get up in the morning and I make a conscious effort

and words and turn my life and my will over to the care of god as I understand him

and the rest of the day I go about doing what I think is his business and asking him what he wants me to do and doing what's in front of me and enjoying the moment and you know it works it really works so I just wanted to tell you that and I'd also now we're supposed to be caring and sharing for sharing and caring

but had I want you to know this reason I'm up here is not because it's my choice

I came into this program absolutely so scared

more scared than a fawn in a forest fire

but as the result of this program I can get out here now and not be afraid

so if any of you are out there saying oh I'm so afraid I can never do it or if you're saying well I don't have anything to tell we all have a story we could all write a book

and I want you to know that I'm up here sharing because I care I love all of you very much thank you