The topic of "Clean House" at the Men with Men Group's Open AA Conference in Reykjavik, Iceland

because I'm you know there is a question ask you that I thought I could give a answer that

so we talked about how do you know what is god's will for you

and I

you know including house I learned something is called the four absolutes anybody here that

O. K. blue

is an Oxford group thing now the group if anybody knows anything about a history on the Oxford group was

it was the predecessor to Alcoholics Anonymous it was his first century Christian fellowship and in this first century Christian fellowship well a bunch of people

woods did grab these drunks and that helped them get them sober and they followed something called the for tenants and then became the six tenants which are basically the simple versions of the steps and you can find it in the big book there there I think I'm bill the bill Dodson story but I'm you know if one of the big book but I don't I don't have a regular version big book I only have the first hundred and sixty five pages because I don't read the stories

I always my time so I actually can't tell you the page but but anyway so the group was a predecessor level economics and what they had was something that they use in their morning meditate they used to do morning meditation and it was called

called

I was what it would be to call the guidance and they did something called listening to god when they sit with a pad and a pen

I would ask god for direction and guidance for their day and they take a deep breath and sit quietly and they write down whatever came to their mind and that's what I do every single morning that's my prayer meditation practice because I'm not good and I can't sit quiet I'm way too hyper maybe when I grow up a little no I do I do try to practice quiet time but I also do this specific exercise called listening to god or call the grok Oxford group exercise what do you write down everything that comes to mind and then you compare it to these four things called the four absolutes is called absolute honesty absolute unselfishness absolute purity

I always forget the last one an absolute love

worse than the one I don't like some

I'm kidding so so you have these for absolutes in the basic idea is anything that I want to do and then in my day if it's not three out of four those absolutes I shouldn't be doing

yeah if it's three out of four of the port of for doing that three out of four I should probably talk to my sponsor because if you might be lying to myself but to afford better be talking my sponsor damn well better not do that ms what afford

might want you to write some inventory on that

when is this

is that that I use these things because I'm one of these people like I love to my own devices

well you heard about that last night left to my own devices I can do a lot of trouble so I need some simple tangible rules because

I'm like that I'm I'm I'm with you know people express a type of girl and I use these guidelines in order to help me decide how I'm going to go about my day so for me they're real easy very simple and done really helps me to know whether or not listening to god or listening to my ego

so just to clarify that for that in their

you know a little in a retentive but I'm yes so clean house

yeah I heard that the two thousand one fellowship of the spirit takes one around Iceland the past year or so then we listen to them

okay so you guys know who marked his name day Fredriksen alright

okay what we call them in Dave

an email Dave

you tell me much about cleaning house

he's a very good friend of mine and I and I wanted to see I'm a four step junkie

you know I really am I became as addicted to the steps

as I was to lose to men to everything else but god

I think it was a different sense because I am I am a results oriented person and I know that if I do something and I get it a result that I enjoy I'm going to continue to do it and I will do it till I die

over the past nine years I've probably written between ten and thirteen inventories

I've probably done well I've written a bunch of injuries I've done at least ten to thirteen fifty steps plus I'm taking the same inventories and I'm done if if there was a man of brought the same inventory I've done of this group the staff with three or four women so I've done many fish steps and don't I believe in the process of the twelve steps and it's been my experience that this process

produces extraordinary results

and the extraordinary results in the produce is the fact that I do not drink

you know I thought that if I worked the twelve steps that I would become this really wise person that hasn't happened

and I thought I'd be like this great sponsor and I get fired regularly

I never hated in some quarters in New Jersey

she's

she doesn't sleep with newcomers I don't like

you know

I'm not always known for being that nice but the thing is is this is that

is that I know that that

I know that if I do certain simple things that a certain result is going to happen you know in the book and bill was really ingenious in the way he laid out the program about once an item is and what he does is because he knows alcohol to result oriented people I mean he says it is set in the doctor's opinion we drink it because we like the effect that it produces so I mean if that's part of the alcoholic nature you know what bill did was he took a step three take the steps and he'd say okay well this is what you gotta do kit are you got to give something up for you got to do this you know but if you do this you will get this season so what I'll do is when I read the big book I don't read promises because probably a lot of promises when I was taking a lot of problems so you know

this is are not reliable so

when I when I was in the big because I called the results

and there are a couple million results in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous

and I get these results by taking action

you know in the first thing and and I love that we you know we started off this morning with with Truscott

because

in order to clean house you have to do something called the got experiment

no bill talks about this in its in its in the grapevine and if anybody has a language of the heart and one of his little one of his little

I'll talk to talk to I thought I made it up but you know I was sitting in a meeting when I started I said you know you got experiment six I don't really

I'm talking about this concept and I realized that I had probably read it in the grapevine like a really long time ago

then a couple you know a couple months later I thought I was like really ingenious because I came up with this whole new concept in this whole thing about you know how the second step god experiment and then I'm reading the grapevine because I read I read language of the heart as part of my morning meditation sometimes I rotate books because it says that we know we should go not only to the big book and not only to a lecture but to other sources in order to to broaden and deepen our spiritual experience so I do that because I don't want to die so I'm

resulting

so the point is is this is that I was reading that article and he starts talking about the kind of spending I'm like well I really didn't make that up I'm not special

what I'm talking about is it yeah I was a clean house but I start with the got experiment for very good reason

is because

right putting pen to paper and writing a four step work doing morning meditation

keeping current with god you know they seem like very simple things okay

a little pissed off I think it is a wise I could spend a good portion of time you know focusing on what I don't like these people and why they stopped and then watch it really hurt me and then I get to take some responsibility so three of the four columns are great

taking responsibility or looking for my part in this thing you know there's something that happened ten years ago or fifteen years ago how does that really affect my life today

you don't want one can just doing that simple little things and then sharing it with another human being how can that be so profound how could it change my outlook on life so greatly today

what I'm gonna want how is that simple action do that and that's a question does that because of one simple thing and it's called the got experiment and what it means is this is that

when I came into I hang

I saw that people were manifesting something in their lives that I was not it was that they were not crazy today we're happy in useful that they smiled but the shower

doing things they talk to other people

they weren't violent and they were doing they were capable of doing these things that I was not capable of doing

and I said to myself I said you know

these people have something I do not have and what I was told was that these people were practicing the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous noon they were living a life that was reliant depend upon god and I thought to myself civil

you know how much supposed to get that you know and what they said was that while I can't tell you how to get a relationship with god

because if I tell you how I did it you won't get your own

you'll have mine

so when we when we start to clean house we start with the idea this is another time talk about it said begin begin where we are

you know I start with the concept of god that is tangible to me something that I can understand you know in in in in bill's story talks about choosing your own conception of god and then in the third step is his god as we understood him or more clear more usually mean more honestly for me for me is that god doesn't don't understand him

but I'm

I don't think I change I told you I'd read the big book right

I did I read the big book

and I don't say you choose your own conception with dot because of god because I figured if I spent all this time thinking about what I think god is exactly what Thomas talking about putting on a box if I spent all this time thinking about what I think god is I'm not bothered to have an experience with god

thinking about god so when I say is just to have a relationship with god

and that means we got experiment is that I can't take someone else's relationship with god I have to have my own experience with god and then begin where I am they take a leap of faith leave it faces this is that I do with all these other people are doing which is right for steps to further steps to make amends you know we've been relying on the pence upon god wake up in the morning get compliments a quiet time and work with other people if I do these things they don't get the results that they have

no at first I was way too broken or thought it was way too broken for that to happen for me and it kind of happened without me knowing it because I just said well okay

if I don't do this stuff I'm gonna die an alcoholic does anyway

and my life really sucks there's nothing that can be more painful than waking up feeling like I feel in the morning so I mean what's right a four step really gonna do me at this point I mean if it doesn't work straight I'm gonna drink anyway because I'm miserable

so I wrote a four step but not because I thought it was going to work because I figured with Helen do everything else you know I tried everything else in the world to read everything you know self help book I could find you know I've been changed sponsors when I change underwear I mean come on nothing else is working I should just try something you know and so it wasn't it wasn't like I did I went into the steps thinking you know great you know this is gonna be wonderful I went in thinking

hello

but something happened

and that's something happened because I was just willing to try to have the experience myself you know I love it that some of these guys that I have I have the utmost respect for and it's a Dave says low all the time says you know don't let don't let me read your big book for you

you know and the idea is this is don't let what I'm saying about the steps

be sufficient

you need to have your own experience I needed to have my own experience and if I can just listen to speaker takes I mean I hear some great speakers man I can just parrot what they say you know I don't sound really good but I wouldn't be having the experience that they're having to used to be I would look at people and say I want to look how they look I want to be cool and now it's like I want to have with a half

and even more recently is I would have what I have for a long time I used to look at other people well he's way more spiritual than me I think I should do his kind of premeditation I should try his four step it's like you know maybe he's forced to work better for me and now I'm getting to a point in my life in a point my sobriety were I really like the spiritual life that I live doesn't mean I don't want to improve it but it means that I'm not looking at somebody else's experience with god thinking theirs is better I'm thinking I love my experience I have a great experience to let's hang out

you know and I got that by cleaning house

because

what I had was a lot of illusions and delusions about who I was and where my place and things work because I was either a piece of crap or I was the greatest thing in the face of the earth in Houston now you people were down you know and on

and I had I didn't have something which is called humility and I thought humility was humiliation

and that's not what humility is

what humility is knowing exactly who I am and that's something I didn't know for a really long time you know who I was was who you thought I was

and in this is that the top to bottom how were an actor we we have to face that we give to the world and that if we fail to do these you know to take these steps if we fail to us to write a mentor if we fail to what she truly truly shares another human being the exact nature of our wrongs that will be forever living with a face that we showed the world in the face that we hide from other people and the people who know me well and the people who who I sponsor know that there's no fee usually there's no two faces to carry

I am what you see

you know it you'll see me in my house and with my kids and I'm the same way as I am in a meeting the same way I am everywhere because I because I've gotten to a point in my life because I've done this work because of clean house enough that I'm

I don't have to hide anymore

because it really doesn't matter what you think I mean sometimes it matters included pisses me off when people like me but in the end in the end when I put my head on the pillow I don't take you with me

and that's something I couldn't say just a couple years ago

and I got that through experience you know I used to look at these women and they were like they were so confident you know and they will walk up to the podium where they'd be talking to the response he's and they be so cool and I know the answers and you listen to them and they turn to the page of the book and it was just their fingers

that's what I want

you know what I wanted it

like I didn't want to do the work

in order to get their like I figured one forced out there should be enough

and it's been my experience that it is it's a serious process and I get I've gained confidence in my experience

because that's all I have to share with people is my experience and I've gained confidence and I've trusted it

and that's how I've gotten to a point where

we're cleaning house isn't such a scary thing anymore I remember

I don't know if maybe my third fourth step

Adam this is when I started working with my sponsor cats and

I had spent some time

I don this steps and I've been working I've been doing workshops out of my house and I kind of became like I either became like a little bit books celebrity and my little neighborhood or like I'm the most hated woman on the face of the earth depending who you talk to

and so like I had a little group of women that are sponsoring and I had a little bit of a reputation for being evil are nice Adam

so I started working with my sponsor Cassie might want to cancel this some

I want you to start the beginning

I don't care how many force if you were in I don't care what you know

I'm gonna start on the first page of the doctor's opinion we're going to go through the steps to restart all over that means go back and make all those demands that you made in the first place

because

because

I have to have a new experience with the work

because what I did yesterday for my sobriety does not guarantee me today or tomorrow

and then I have to do each day I have to put in the effort each day

the effort that I had put in when I first started to do the work or when you know and and what I've learned about myself as I go through the work as I grow as a clean houses I see myself as I grow in understanding and effectiveness I have to put that aside each time I start over the first step and I do this I do this often I start over at the first step

once a year

and I sort of wanna ask myself do you really think you're an alcoholic

and I look at all the areas in a much better still in manageable and there's this thing and I was at a workshop and I think it was think of something more Houston was doing anything he said I want you to write these five questions the first page of your big book and I and I every book I have actually had to rewrite them today because they can get smeared

what I'm and everything look I have a right these five questions and when I have women that I that I've been through the work more than once

I have to write these five questions I'm gonna read them to you

do I want to do is asked of me and am I willing

my willing to go to any lengths even though I might not know what that is

why do I want to do this work

what areas of your life are you being dishonest about with yourself and others

and last question my favorite is Gracia fission or I. D. do I need conscious contact

she is my belief that is the grace of god that got me into the program about the grace of god that kept me sober long enough that I could do the will of god

I do the will of god by cleaning house and aligning my will was caught and I I want my world was god by using this for absolute

and sponsors and a network and people in my life and by being accountable to other people I do something with steel on steel and actually I actually and this is so cool my Steelers seal has a distinction for being one of the longest running Steelers deals in the state of New Jersey yeah

seriously all these guys started doing stealin stealin the same time we did not like the girls are doing still I'm still

you're not as hardcore is us

right

they're stealing seals are where are they

and are still has been going on for a couple years and that's what I'm talking about is a commitment a commitment to cleaning up to staying current with god and myself and others and see the thing is is this

and that my nature I'm a selfish self centered dishonest person and

and if I don't

you know I love this but my favorite chapter in this whole book is weak gnostics

and I feel that if if if an alcoholic doesn't get a good working knowledge of the week gnostics and the rest of the book is crap

because it means nothing you know everybody says the first step is a step that you have to do that is the most important step the fact is I knew I was a freaking alcoholic when I was drinking

and I knew that my life was unmanageable when I was five you know no Holly in knowing that my life is a manageable has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I'm gonna work the steps

the thing that has to do with whether or not to work the steps is whether or not I believe or I'm willing to believe the steps might work for me

the whole thing about god is like what I thought god was before work the steps and who I know

god is today and I know and thought

who I know god is today is a completely different thing for a long time I thought I was sort of like an ATM debit card in the country get some out

you know what kind of there when I needed him

and today I believe that god is within me and I believe you know I S. sponsors of the time they're like I can't I don't know if I can believe it is like I don't like god god doesn't do nice easy doesn't do what I want I have a hard life blahblah blahblah blahblah

you know

you know when you were getting rich when you were thirteen

did you die

they don't know

on R. U. OK today most likely you kind of

did you wake up this morning yeah so then why do you think that you didn't go crazy die and what do you think you woke up this morning even though you had these horrible things happen you

I don't know I said could it be possible that guideline to his strength

it wasn't me and that's my belief I mean that's my experience with god is that is like I borrow power from god in order to get through my life

but I'm when I want to talk about real quick in on page one forty for the Englishman book I don't really know what it is the Icelandic big book but it's the first page of weed gnostics last sentence this is the mere code of morals are better fit so what philosophy of life for sufficient overcome alcoholism many of us would ever cover long ago we found the search because of loss of use did not save us no matter how hard how much we try we can wish to be moral we wish to be philosophically comforted in fact we will these things on our mind they needed power wasn't there are human resources as Marshall by the well we're not sufficient they failed utterly lack of power was our dilemma we had to find a power by which we can live and how to be a power greater than ourselves obviously but how about where and how we define this power well that's exactly what this book is about this book is not about not drinking

in fact

a couple pages later put aside the drug problem

about how screwed up you are not

this is the main object is this book is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem not my drinking problem it is nothing about drinking

this is my inability to put into action my moral and philosophical convictions I can know what's right I can know what I'm supposed to do I lack power in manifesting that in my life

I have a list of my character defenses I am over alcohol more so

I don't care to do things that bring me back to alcohol

so it's been my experience that the reason why I have to clean house is because I am powerless over myself

and I need to find a power greater than myself that will enable me to enable me to me calamity with serenity

you know

so for me you know running a four cent

going out and doing a system right you know getting down on my knees and asking god to remove these character defects you know

one of one of the most profound spiritual experiences for me

was right after I had done something into kind of for service for the long form

yes because it's really mean S. one S. little torture devices

I don't suggest any newcomers doing it because you probably will go crazy you know actually I have one guy that I know did it for it in for his first for stepping it kind of scared him to come here

when I'm is this inventory and basically is the four column inventory but you write out your third column where you were where your self esteem is affected but not so much like how bad this person wants but sort of

it's your theater of the line like the lies you tell yourself about that you know with the seven areas of self like he should be nice to me I deserve it kind of stuff

you know people should like meeting friends art means that kind of stuff and then you take those seven areas and well you right were down each of the seven areas where you were selfish self seeking dishonest in front so your first column ends up looking like well thirty five questions

what I'm gonna point this out so I did this inventory and I cried my way through it I went up to like people and I'm like I think I'm going to drink I'm crazy I don't believe in god I don't trust god I'm such a selfish person I'm still over six years and I don't know my **** from my elbow when I'm going to do

I mean I just kind of left me patted me on the head to keep keep keep writing

inventory

and I did a fist up with five women

it's four five to five stars five lines are one of the five so I did this is different for women and they all had less than a year sober

they all had done one four steps to the more my sponsors

I'm just I'm seven years sober think it's time

and I'm doing a step with two of my sponsors to other women less than a year all on fire with the big book

and they're not they're enjoying this

they're like can I get to stick to carry you know and this is what you know and at this time or you know I'm really heavily involved in this big book meeting and I'm presenting it I'm doing workshops and so like I'm a little bit my feet you know I've done some flyers and some tape so they really wanted to stick it to me they're like

that was given to her and they did and one of the things that you know that I was told before I do this I'm under no circumstances do you defend yourself to sit quiet

and take everything in consideration no give and take no I don't think that's true just sit quite right down with a sign

and ask yourself if it's true later so then I come home and I do my quiet hour now this is like three o'clock in the morning I can fish stepped this step in the whole night I'm like punch drunk and exhausted and like feeling about this

and I I'm going to sit home

I'm going over you know the questions like you know we may mortar without seeing and you know is there anything you left out the questions that you ask yourself after the first step while you're taking a quiet hours you you take the book down from the shelf and you go over the first five proposals and you ask yourself is there anything that you've left out is there anything that you haven't seen or is there an aspect of the twelve steps for the for the first five steps that maybe you don't believe in consideration that you're questionable on sit quietly with that and okay so I did that I mean I I at this point I had done maybe like I don't know how many forces counts four steps so you know the the quite I was kind of becoming kind of boring to me at that point so this spring storms that you know

once you do this my sponsored always told me she said you know her higher power is very polite and he didn't go doesn't go where he's not invited

so I took a look at my four step when I saw the evidence of all these areas of my life like I just was not allowed

you know he just was not going to have control of these things because dammit I wanted him

I thought to myself well you're getting some really good results with that cat

you just have to do a fist step with

five brass

do you

you're doing real good with that

so I thought you know why don't you just make a list of all these areas your life that you just are not having gotten locked

so I did and then when I did as I got down on my knees and I asked god is a god you know I don't want these things anymore

take them to one of the things that I do and it's part of my prayer meditation as part of my spiritual practices I write letters to god because sometimes my words are damn useless

actions speak much louder when I put a pen to paper the most amazing things come out come out

so

often you know when I'm really stuck when I don't have any answers and I can't anybody on the phone I think a piece of paper and a pen and I just start writing

so I have this practice of writing writing letters to god and so I started to write this letter to god asking god to just take these things taken you know and I was sitting there that that that

those paragraphs read gnostics came back into my head I went back to them and I felt this immense feeling of absolute powerlessness over my character defects in myself

realizing that you know that there's no amount of wishing away my selfishness and self centeredness there's no amount of wishing away the resentment and fear that these are things that I lack power over the only way that I can gain access to god is by taking ownership of that powerlessness and the awning being honest with myself about how that powerlessness affects the people around me

you know and I sat there and felt the absolute presence of god with her white light now but there was absolute and total peace and because I had spent two months in excruciating pain writing a horrible inventory felt really good

you know and I left you know and when I woke up in the morning

you know that piece that I felt that day I carry with me till today it's lasted two years I mean it's been interrupted

but it's never been truly gone

you know and for me Zacks what happens when I clean house and it's not something that I do want is something that I do is a continuous process now I hear people they have the arguments and write one for stepped in four steps one sufficient just to really get tensed up now I'm a liar doing online I don't have enough

I'm not one of those people who can just rely on on doing my nightly review for keeping current with god because I'm a lying **** and I'm

there is no way in hell I need a good beaten with a stick now and again

and so I go I go back in once a year for a good beating

but I'm but

it comes to this next point to then you know I have to go out and party clean houses making amends you know and I shared with you a couple of the amends experiences that I've had and I've had many I've gone back to stores that have stolen from a given the money and that was always an interesting thing you know going back and get some poor pimply faced clerk whose name has no idea what the hell I'm talking about and I'm trying to give them money from you know things like shoplifting they don't send me from manager to manager finally just what church please someone okay

you know I mean there's nothing there's nothing more freeing than facing your past now facing it was something somebody or sponsor you know that's kind of easy because you know the sponsor has to love you and if not you can fire

and they can talk bad about her

but there's another thing about the vulnerability of going back to the people that you hurt

and making amends and being honest

has a completely different animal

you know and it's been my experience that I didn't experience I didn't get true humility until I began to do that

you know and how I had to make the same demands more than once yeah

you know because I'm kind of dance and I don't always get it right the first time I told you I had to make miss my mom a couple times finally it worked so my point is I have to be willing to to go back and do these things on them and the I think the hardest ones that I've had to make way to people in recovery especially to people after I began to work the steps you know the does dumb things that you do when you think you're following god's will

the response sees that you hurt when you start trying to figure out how to sponsor you know because there's no I mean there is a sponsorship guide in fact and it's in the big book but you know I don't really pay too much attention okay okay but I'm you know the truth is is that there's no manual for sponsorship other than conscious contact with god

and sometimes you make decisions as a sponsor that that negatively affect other people you have to go back apologize to those people and that's been quite difficult but over the years because I've I've had to do that in order to live

in order to not drink in order not to die because I've had to do that

it's been a lot easier to stand at a podium and tell you how crazy I was or how crazy I am it's been a lot easier to share was a newcomer all the horrible little things

that that I am done or that have been done to me see what I lost through doing my amends process was my attachment to my past

so I could tell you about the violent things that I've done about hitting my mother about stealing about three fighting with cops in doing really bad stuff but using men for a place to stay for being practically a prostitute

for living on the streets and I could tell you about these things you know and

and I can not be ashamed ism because I've gone back and I've amended them to the best of my ability

you don't see the immense process doesn't begin with the first approach I mean doesn't end with the first approach I mean everybody says why what happened I made a mistake I'm sorry

I mean that's not enough and I'll give you a perfect example there is a woman I sponsor and I'm I did a really good job with her no

there is a one

and my character defects in her character defects had a lot of fun

and I'm

I did the best I could

but there are some things that I saw through doing inventory that I had to make amends for and I honestly I you know this woman in my mind of course we all have to listen to she heard me way more than I heard her

yeah yeah yeah

my sponsors and well you know the big boxes we we don't really we put out of the mine are mine what other people did to us we take the bitter taste and we go making amends I said you **** so I went and I made amends to this woman and I own my part it was hard I had to sit on my hands at one point I prayed most of the time because she was kind of waiting for me to come make amends to her so she tell me about all the things that I did the harm she went through in detail

about

little thing I did affected her

and I sat on my hands and I listened quietly and and she said you know come to think of it you know I think I did something to harm you and I'm like

and

I'm thinking I really don't want to have to make amends for **** up the Simmons

our

so I thought to myself I said you know in the nine services that we fit ourselves to be a maximum service to god and others and if I sat here and went through intimate detail how each one of these things that she did to me affected me

what I'm serving god or would I be serving myself I said