The Men with Men's Group Open AA Conference in Reykjavik, Iceland

wow

there's a big crowd

my name's John Kelly I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic

in my sobriety date is September fourth nineteen ninety nine and for that I'm grateful

and just in case you are here this morning I'm gonna start out just like I always do I don't walk around saying that I'm grateful because I got stuff

god wants to see me in action

so what better way to show the god of my understanding

my gratitude and to get off my rear end in taking this message not my message this message to my brothers and sisters who are dying just like ours that's how I show got my gratitude

and that's a pretty good deal for me

I want to thank the people involved in for inviting us

specially little me

is it I mean how many times am I gonna get to come Dyson you know he and maybe never and when this opportunity came up I was you know my friends back in Dallas like dude you're going nicely

this is very very cool and and I and I appreciate the offer not in everybody's been so so nice to me

my shirt sleeves are a little too long so

this jacket may not last very long but

Chris Raymer tell me buddy just pray and do what you do best

and

what I do best is is I hope

that I can that my story you can identify

you know

in yeah I just wanna have a little C. show a hand here how many are you

men and women have like more than five or six of riding dates

all right I mean do you know how we got more than ten

all right hi more than twenty among

I went to my first AA meeting in nineteen eighty eight

in Dallas it was a good was a good treatments I went to a treatment center right had a swimming pool

basketball court it was co ed it was men and women you know all the ladies still had all their teeth

he was awesome man

and I thought this is just the ticket to get my parents off my behind

and get my little girlfriend back

I don't understand one thing what it meant to be an alcoholic I just knew that my dad was an alcoholic and his dad was an alcoholic and everybody on the Kelly side of the family is an alcoholic and here I am doing the same thing

I didn't realize anything about this illness I didn't understand anything about it all I want to do is get the heat off

but you know the funny thing I'm gonna digress a little bit but before I even took a drink

I was suffering from that condition I don't know maybe you were maybe you have the same experience before I ever took you know I've been going to school and I had I was the first of five kids Kerry was just the last five years I was the first I call myself the test kit you know below me there's two sets of twins you know and and and they all looked up to me you know I made great grades I played every athletic sport I had to skateboard ramps in my backyard I did everything

but it never was good enough for me

you know I go to school and I have a little report to do or where I come in a little bit later I get up to go to the restroom and I come back and I could just feel you looking at me

I had this little voice in my head your job your friggin loser

yeah

that was my life we moved around a lot of when I was a kid and then my mom just said you know what you're just a little shocked

you know you're self conscious

but I had that judging my head you know that I just didn't quite measure up I had all the right clothes

you know I had anywhere when Nike's first came out I had nineties you know and in my grandmother's like Hey you got some of those nights

I had everything a kid could ask for my parents didn't beat me I wasn't abused

I was told that I was great and I had it all going on but inside

it just wasn't working I didn't fit in I didn't see it with my friends I didn't fit in with my brothers and sisters they had a little different barn they're twins

you know

actually if I can find these people I mean I've actually told people just kind of in jazz you know where what happened to your twin you know he already died of birth you

and I'm sorry I didn't mean

I was a tennis camp in Florida we moved in we moved to Miami when I was like fourteen fifteen years old and I go to this high dollar tennis camp I was ranked in the state and

after two weeks most of the people went back to wherever they're from but a few of us stayed on

and it was me and another boy about my age and three girls who are like eighteen

and on Saturday the people at the camp took us into the town and we went to the mall into the moving we got back in the girls decided you know they'd want some beer

now I never got drunk before but I stepped right up to the plate

me and whatever his name was will go get the beer

and so we had to run like three miles as you know it's a little convenience store we got a case of beer a case of Budweiser popped on the counter and the guy looked at is like are you friggin nuts

your kids I'm not sick and I had to explain to a dude we got like three hot chicks back at the tennis

work with me body work with

hold out the cash she said meet me out back we scored a case of beer we ran back to this place we put it on ice you know

we did our little dinner and everything we came back to our room in the beers all cold and we start to drink

and just like it says in bill's story I had arrived you know

that little voice in my head that said I was a freak and loser was nowhere to be found all the sudden I was hit slick and cool and knows me

they wanted me

and I can't drink and it worked I love that affect

the last thing I remember that night was that I was drinking a beer and I saw a pair of boobies and that was it

pattern was set

I woke up the next day feeling like crap my mouth is all dry you know I guess the guys the tennis can guys they got wind of it and they ran us to death

you know how is hating life but I love that night it worked it registered it clicked up here

I didn't drink again for quite a while but when I started drinking again and my later years in high school senior in high school that feeling came back

and when I would have my little fake ID in going to the clubs and I was too shy to ask her out to dance or whatever I knew if I drink a few drinks sh the old magic would come back you know and I was good at drinking I'm not like so many knuckle heads I didn't get in trouble when I first started drinking

I during good and I drink a lot and I didn't get into trouble I didn't slur my words if anybody was driving I was driving

no

it didn't matter I was bullet proof I could not be touched this was the man this is a boost gave me the keys to the universe

it worked

and I stuck with it

so despite the prejudice in the mornings of my people when they told me you know you're growing up to be just like the Kellys

you need to chill out

why on earth would I chill out

are you nuts do you asked Sampson to cut his hair you know

but pretty soon

drinking became the priority I mean everywhere I went I had lose everything I did had booths if I was going to your new year's eve party I was getting well organized at my house

you know if I went to the grocery store I was having drinks

I was hiding you know in the beginning you know I do you see me at work or at school or whatever how much you drink arm and I had like fifteen shots of tequila and all those you know I'm bragging about it but over the years I start to hide it hi star line about it

I just had a couple

you know I I I smell like a bottle you know you know booze is just pouring out of my body you know I just had a couple

strong stuff you know

over time those injuries started to pile up you know those girlfriends go away all these friends that I have held near and dear to my heart I kind of ran them off

just like when they went I think and it says in the story the the remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row you know they called me on my stuff and I told to get lost

I don't need you

here I am I'm going off to college I'm gonna go to law school I'm gonna become a partner my lawyer my uncle's farm and I'm gonna be retired by the time I'm forty and things are kick **** and if you don't like what I do believe

I was like an actor

because it was hurting inside that you were leaving but I couldn't stop drinking

I had a great opportunity to work for hard rock cafe started as a waiter became head waiter became bartender head bartender got into management became corporate management and I was gonna start coming to places like Reykjavik open up restaurants train managers do all this stuff right I had it going on I was the last manager hired by the founder of hard rock cafe

I had a girlfriend I had a girlfriend on the side I had good clothes I had a calm I salute you know what I'm saying I had everything not a cloud on the horizon

except I couldn't stop drinking

I mean I was on

I had so many calls to my manager's office you know I was like on double secret probation

don't screw up

I had every reason to stop

but I couldn't stop

and I own a Saturday night after my shift our Saturday I went a buddy of mine came to the work and we decided to go to another place and have a few beers wine down I had a presentation to do again for in front of the whole staff with the big cheese guys you know on Sunday morning before we opened

I had every intention of going to the restaurant and having a couple of drinks and going home and get a good night's sleep so I could make this presentation

well I had that first one of my little brain says a move that was good give me another one

and next thing you know we're doing shots next thing you know we're at a titty bar next thing you know we're knocking on somebody's door at school and some outside issues and I'm drinking the whole time

if I remember correctly I drag my **** back to my house at six in the morning and I had to be there at seven and I was in no shape to make a presentation

by god the fierce determination to win came back and I came in there and they called me to the carpet and they were gonna they were trying to offer me just offer me another shot of sobriety and I gave them my keys and I said I don't need you

I cashed in my stock and I'm an open up my own restaurant I'll show you

I will prove to you that I am somebody I don't need you

and in about a month later

when I was about to sign on the dotted line from my own restaurant

I took a day or so prior to that important engagement I took a drink of sambuca and I drank the bottle that was in my freezer I had the liquor store bring me two more I went on a two day Bender didn't sign the papers a week later I was importer Rico and stayed for two years and spent all the money

I mean I knew one person importer Rico

and I kid you not this is from my friend who was still at the hard rock cafe within a week we're walking through like the plaza de Armas can you hear this J. K. you know these these girls are waving these are my buddies like did you like the frigging mayor

little ladies know my name you know

I know how to find moose

and no matter where I went I was there and I can't drink and I almost died several times importer Rico and I wasn't really doing I mean the outside issues are cheap and they're good but I was my deal was booze and I was drinking too fast today and I couldn't stop

and I tried to stop one time I went cold Turkey and damn near died I went through four or five days of DTE's walking around old San Juan with a butcher knife in my back pains looking for people that weren't there

my sainted mother called to to my friend because she had heard from me a mile and a while and my friend says you know he's going to make it

I finally got her on the phone and

she had to send me the money are she said my friend the money to fly me back

and she said just whatever you do don't drink

needless to say

there was a screw up at the ticket counter and I'm I got bumped to first class and I drink all the way back to Texas

I went to another re have actually got a sponsor who got it you know he had the message

and for the first time in my life I had a little bit of hope and I started going through the work and about sixty or ninety days into it I got a little girl for him

back in taxes they all know our name because Daddy's

the

she was the freedom bomb it everybody wanted Daddy and I got it you know

and we're going to our little meetings and we're doing our little stuff on the side and everything is great I'm driving my mom's car living in my mom's house I'm thirty years old you know

it's so great right

and in a couple weeks before that Christmas Debbie decides you don't want me no more and I'm screwed

and I remember going into a meeting at this place and it was a gratitude meeting

then two days without Daddy I'm like nine months without a drink I don't know how long it's been since I've been having any spiritual contact in these jokers are talking about well Jim Bob's in town and he's my son and he's sober and I'm so happy

and I'm dying in

I sponsor tells me my ego my pride will kill me

all I had to do is raise my hand all I had to do is not just the guy next to me and say Hey buddy I am going to make it

but I didn't do that

I got up and went to the bathroom

wash my face I looked at my watch the liquor stores close at nine in Texas right I looked at my watch who is eight forty seven

holy **** I could make it to the liquor store

I didn't go

I didn't going to like get a little half pint or applying you know like step on it I got the big stinking bottle of vodka

and I went home and just started pouring it down my throat

because I couldn't take it

my saying mama got to come home and see me drunk on Christmas

she got to see me drunk on Christmas the next Christmas

and I couldn't stay sober

I got so many desires of this one place when I pick up a desired ship I mean those **** didn't even clap for me anymore

like shaking their head like did you like bring some years back we're getting low

so I go to this being down treatment center that I carry the message right now and I go there the first time in in

stay there ninety days

got a big book thumper for sponsor and he picks me up on Sundays every every week at the treatment center would go to his house and go through the big book and I got hope again

but I still miss Daddy

and I didn't have any money

I didn't have a car anymore

I'm used to those good things

and I had a really big chip on my shoulder and I tried to hide

and I got to the school halfway house and I got me a job right off the bat

you know let those other poor **** sit on their **** and wine I went and got a job and I caught the bus every day to this job and I started saving money stated taxes paying for me to say it is halfway house I got no bills the laws not after manning been into trouble yet right

and pretty soon my little ego you know it's a funny thing I get sober and I'm about dead right and I get sober I get a job and I get up early in the morning to catch the bus to get to work to work all day long catch the bus get back home I'm hungry I'm tired I take a shower I guess somebody invited it's like eight o'clock and that's too late for me to catch the bus and go to a meeting

pretty soon those cats in my house I didn't really relate to them in the morning like those guys you know

so I had a couple thousand dollars saved up enough I you know I need to get my own place

so on a Sunday during the spring there in the in situ a basketball tournament I get up in the morning get my little backpack catch the bus to the train and I get to the part of town where I want to live

not a cloud on the horizon and I start looking for me a place to live no I you know I was in the restaurant business forever I know everybody on the street that has a restaurant and I stopped in one of those places to have a bite to eat because I'm hungry normal thing for an alcoholic right out looking for work you gotta eat so I stop in I'm looking at the basketball scores somebody who hadn't seen for years brings over a beer and a shot and I drank

without even thinking

drink it

and I proceeded to get well organized

I drank all that I could at that bar and I went to the next bar in the next one and the next one

I woke up in parkland hospital with a felony possession of public intoxication and taken a cop in the chest for trying to get me out of a taxi cab

and I was just out looking for an apartment

I sat in that place all day long waiting for myself to get bonded out and all I'm thinking is god almighty you gotta help me

I'll call Frank I'll get my **** together but please help me get out of here

I know I screwed up I don't want to drink anymore

and that was my prayer and my sincere desire all day long

and into the night

and they started bond balance as they are processing us out and they gave me my little backpack with my wallet my watch and I put my watch on

eight forty seven

and I walked directly out of the jail I ran across the street to the liquor store

I might as well have gone in and said you know what I just got a felony possession charge of public intoxication a cop in the chest can I get another bottle that should please

that really works for me yesterday

my alcoholic life became the only normal when I couldn't get a place to live I had to live in your house for my brother's house my brother ended up having to call the cops and we won nine I got to go spend another night in jail I ended up with a treatment center another time in on a Friday night they called us into it we're down have a smoke break the call separated all right gentlemen got around we got group got a a meeting and I'm just thinking

I've heard I've been A. A. for ten freaking years I've heard everything you got to offer

there's a little crusty old eighty year old guy gets up there and he blew my mind

he broke down the big book

this is an art form

and it made sense one of his proteges is there and I asked this guy to be my sponsor

we started going to the work I got that hope again

and I'm not a buddy of mine we were poor so identical it's amazing you know it's like my my brother that I didn't have you know same thing living with mama was screwed up everything in our lives you know just

terror and destruction you know my family had their all time lows because of me you know same with his family right we got the same sponsor

and like Myers and like cliff told us we were in there he goes buddy when you get out of this place you got two choices if you're the real deal

you got to I mean I'm always biggest saying you know life is all about options but when you're the real deal and you're beating up like I was it's down to two

I'm either gonna go back out and drink myself to death

or except tell

and that's what they told me

and we got out of that treatment center

and I stuck it out

for about sixty days the end of ninety eight

and I just had to get Debbie back and I just

and I had to get my stuff back

self pity kicks my **** I had no solution yet

I wasn't willing to do what you did I wasn't willing to do what these guys did it was all about me was all about me getting my car back was all about me pretty soon it became to have too much current for me to drive all across Dallas

to go to this meeting on Friday nine AM to make you know what I'm saying

how to make one more run at

and I hung on for dear life

for about another thirty days

and I picked up the first drink

and I went downhill quick

the beginning of ninety nine thousand five hospital emergency rooms

in a like a four week period

all drinking nothing else

in massive quantities

I'm taking a water bottle and pour the water bottle out filling it full a hundred proof vodka so I can nurse myself as I'm trying to go through the the the the rigmarole of this county hospital so the state could pay for me to get a liberal

I'm I've read on the bed drinking vodka out of the water bottle

needless to say those doctors were over my ****

they were done with me

I never had to go pee and I said you know I guess I got to go to the bathroom he's like well you're not standing up I got to go P. brother

he just walked off he came back and he brought me one of those little balls you know

several underside and P.

the role of my side there's like this black family you know

I roll over and I'm like what the what if I got a loose you know

yes and I don't know maybe if it's just cold weather or what it was are all over my little Packers like you know it's like Mr turtle you know

and this is all black ladies looking at me like on him it's true about those white boys

I don't know why I told you this

just just promise me I get like if you're female tonight after the media we're talking those are looking

come on in and have a little decency

so I got my little Librem and I could I went to my little friend's house and I and I tried desperately to Tate taper off and I couldn't do that and I'll go get another desire chip and I shake it out for a day and the madness was upon me and I have to go get more blues

and somehow I managed to save up a little money and got my own place a little hole

but I got it

and I was famous for calling in sick on Mondays I work for an alcoholic boss so I mean it was kind of normal but I called in sick on a Monday because I'll kind of overshot the mark on Saturday and Sunday you know called in sick on Monday I couldn't make it through Monday I had to get a little vodka

overshot the mark had to call in sick on Tuesday and finally like you nobody I need you and I'm like you nobody else you

I don't need you

and I hung up the phone actually through my phone and I hit my knees and I just started crying and I'm like god you gotta let me die

I can't go on like this

I can't live with movies I can't live without booze I'm screwed

so I went to the liquor store I bought as many of those big plastic bottles of lockers I could Terry and I got back to my house ripped off the tops and started drinking

and I did that from the end of June of ninety nine to September the first

I didn't eat

maybe some Raman noodles I drink vodka

and I had a bunch over the counter sleeping pills and I was popping those in drinking as much back as I could drink

and on Friday September the first I think that's the date I came to and I see the vodka everywhere

and I'm still alive

I started crying again but this time

something said you know

I don't want to die drunk

like I call this guy Matthew my sponsor and I hadn't heard from you nine months you know

and like you know I don't know how I dialed his number that's a good idea because I don't I couldn't tell you his number to save my life today

and he's got the same number but I doubt that number

and like Matthew and he's like Hey how you doing

I want to go to homeward bound to carry the message

right you know it's like

but I told him he says what do I he goes do I needed to get to detox and I'm like you know I can go to another detox

screw this I got to do this on my own

and I had called you know people in my family to get god you know I got brothers I went to seminary they got it you know they got they got a solution to all their problems one of my brothers is over in the next town finishing up his master's degree and I call them in

you know these people had every right not to pick up the free and phone

they had every right to let me do what I need to do my mom even told me my mom who always bailed me out told me at some point in ninety eight buddy I love yeah you're My Baby I grew up with you but if you got a drink yourself to death you got to do it without us click

I think Alan got a hold of

but I call my brother Joel

he came and got me

and

I don't know what exactly what he felt we talked about it since then but I can't ever imagine what he must have felt looking at his Big Brother

the one that he looked up to all these years

and he took me back to his house

he had a head like a guest house the back house behind his house he pretty much locked me in it

he would check on me make sure I wouldn't convulsing and **** course I didn't sleep I should get out I'm hearing the voices I got the bugs crawling over me it sucked my body was screaming for a drink

that was on a Friday on Saturday I could barely walk

yeah hi young that walks Hey how you doing

right

this

if I try to eat some fruit or something as soon as I hit my stomach it came right back up with a little bit of blood and everything else

I'm walking back to the back house my body is screaming for vodka and I knew I had like twenty twenty two dollars in my bank account and I knew there was a liquor store right across the street if I could get across the street without him seeing me and I thought you know I'm making a break for it

you know walking like this

right this

and I get to the fans because he can't see me you know from there I get to the fans and it's like ten feet high it is like

so I just finished shaking it out

over that weekend while my phone was turned off this boss who I it horribly abused call me left me a message and said Hey a project just came in and I have to have you I hate your guts then your Jack **** but I need you for two weeks

the owners are out of town I need you for two weeks to work on this project and soon as it's over you're done I don't want to hear from you again call me if you can do this you know

so the day after Labor Day holiday

my first fairly semi normal day

I go to work and it was hard work and I'm talking to the sponsor Matthew and he's like buddy you're gonna make it to the meeting and I'm going to make it to the meeting you got to go to the meeting

all right I'm gonna go I'm gonna go

in the obsession was on me

I needed a drink

and as I'm getting ready to leave the phone rings it's my boss he tells me Hey you got a phone call and it's Matthew

this is where you're going SO I'm done working I'm gonna go home and take a shower and dirty and stinky

and he's like don't go home

stay there go drive around get to the meeting early I don't care what you do don't go home

and he goes my wife about to have a baby so I may not make it at the meeting if I'm not there you talk to cliff and I was like gosh it

he's means

thanks I need some love

yes I need somebody to Pat me on the bus tell me it's going to be all right you know

and I didn't go home and I went to that group and I walk in and guess who I saw class

he walked up to me because he knew I was coming

and he gave me a hug and I said I need to talk to you he looked at me you know how I can get your grandpa he wears glasses when he means business kinda looks over the top his glasses

and he looked at me like John Kelly what the hell can I do for you

you know I'm still walking pretty quick and I'm like snot coming out of my nose I'm trying on the rack you know I stink arm dirty I am on the wholesome is get out

I'm like I don't want to drink

we had a few minutes before the meeting starts any took me into another room and we sat down and he proceeded to blow my mind on this deal

he didn't Pat me on the button tell me was going to be okay

he disturbs me about this illness

he didn't tell me I was an alcoholic he let me draw my own conclusions

in the way he does it I'm gonna send order some and and some CD so though the way he does it is just frigging genius it's perfect there's not a wasted word

and I knew my truth

and I'm sobbing he looked at me and he says are you the real alcoholic for for yeah I'm real alcoholic

he's like buddy you're asked

you ain't gonna make it

the catcher

he said I'm gonna be your sponsor Matthews good beginning to make a brother you got one shot

I'm gonna tell you want to call me and you're going to call me at that time

I'm gonna tell you where I'm speaking you're going to be there

you're gonna do what I say which is right out of this big book and you will recover

he said look at these people out there

they have an answer to their problems yeah

he said look at me do you believe me and I said hell yeah I believe you he says what do you have to lose

with the desperation of a drowning man it says right

he said he wanted me to read some material out of the book and I was going to meet with him in two days right through so that's going to the meeting he goes when you get home tonight I want you to have your knees and I want you to say to whatever power you got out there thank you

thank you for a shot

and I was doing fine you're needing to one of the ladies who I knew from the past came and she hugged me and I lost it

and I lost it big time you know

but I got home

and I had a different outlook

you know page forty six of my big book says as we found out as soon as we're able to lay aside prejudice express even a willingness to believe in a power greater than ourselves here's the promise we commenced to get results

I got home and I hit my knees

and I told the guy who I thought abandoned me I told him thank you

I had no lurking ocean

I don't know how it's gonna work out

I didn't have anything

and I commenced to get results I knew that night I do not have to die drugs

he told me to call him at eight in the morning and I called the main the morning he says well you're off to a good start you can follow directions

I guess I'm speaking to someone so night so and so group tonight you be there bring your big Bucks

I showed up

he didn't even talk to me

yes he did at the end of the meeting as if I was reading and I said yes Sir and he said be at our meeting call me tomorrow I call the next day

he said on the way to the meeting tonight I need to go to the salvation army and I need to I'm gonna give you three guys names you know Manny moe and Jack whatever they were you know pick these three guys out get into the meeting and get him back

see you there click

he did ask me if I fit into my little busy schedule you know

it is a do you have time if you could do this now he said do this and I did that if you told me to go jump in the water naked I would have done that I didn't want to drink

the day after that I met at his house we went through that information again we went to the doctor's opinion we went over the middle of the session

we went over the spiritual malady

I had a little bit of hope

and we got to the third step is you ready to do it I said hell yeah I'll do anything

and he gave me a big book the winters little living room you know the room where nobody goes on is like all the furniture's need everything we got on our knees and he said

the open the book to page sixty three and he says I'm gonna say a prayer make sure god with this and we're gonna do with R. stet prayer not every Thursday prior done before was rented out the book right

so we got our knees without our heads put our arms around each other and he says a prayer and I have no idea what he said because in my head I'm praying my **** off

finally he shakes means like I need to hear what you're saying to god

and I said god I've tried this since nineteen eighty eight and I'm scared

I don't want to die drunk

please give me the willingness to do whatever I gotta do to get what's in here

amen he said stand up

I stood up because I thought I screwed up you know

and he looked at me over the top of his glasses again and he gave me a hug because you just did the third step prayer

we went back to his office and he gave me instructions for my four step

he made sure everything was clear and I said yes Sir he goes great you got one week call me when you're done