The CARD center, 2004 new years speaker meeting

can you hear me now yeah

all right ladies and gentlemen it's extreme pleasure mine senators young lady that

meant a lot to me when I first got sober because she really showed me how it how it works we also on those days when a lot of the same meetings and you know how that works but she was a big influence on me are the first time I was in a meeting and she and the lady who the gentleman who later became her husband walked in the meeting I

I think they were doing a newsletter then I said who the heck are they and they tell me what's there on Christmas as well

you know she seems like she's you know knows what she's doing how long she been sobered I think they said three or four years my school

all

you know not only wow was for a long time to be sober but people that young it just blew me away anyway please help me welcome Tricia C.

what

ten fifteen I don't know okay

well I am nervous tonight which is real surprise you know because I'm not always so nervous but that's probably a good sign I'll just be really honest okay I hope okay honest what's true I'm really glad I know I'm an alcoholic today that's the bottom line I'm really glad I know that I did not call it today I have a family of alcoholics my grandfather was it a really severe alcoholic

and he actually got sober for about ten years and in Orland and

here are my back to drinking any shot himself

so I that was one of my first experiences with alcoholics and what they do when they're done my aunt

I'm sorry I

she actually took pills and drank and died and her young daughter found her dead and that's how that alcoholic dealt with it

and I had another aunt who also took pills and alcohol and killed herself and just does this September my father who is a chronic alcoholic who never ever wanted to be sober died of chronic alcoholism and I saw it on the death certificate and I have to tell yet that did something to me to actually see it on a death certificate this is a deadly disease and he never wanted to be sober

and he never tried to be so over

and he died of cirrhosis of the liver and he never really had a happy day in his life and he never really had pleasure of being with his children and he never really had any sincerity and knowing another human being

in peace he didn't know any peace and he died that way and that was his choice

that it has a band of my experience with alcoholics

finding out at a young age and I was an alcoholic really wasn't just guess what I'm an alcoholic for me I I started yeah

drinking because it it made it it made me feel like I could do so much I could have courage I could meet people I can get to know people I thought I was getting close to people it may be so attractive to people and maybe it did it in the very beginning I'm not sure maybe it did but in our in that time period I was hopeful drinking I was hopeful I thought my blackouts were gonna be wonderful I thought I would drink to a blackout and wake up and be a famous actress

you know wake up with some gorgeous man who just loves me all over the place and I was the queen you know I thought I really truly hopeful drinking I thought I was going to wake up and be in heaven because I knew I didn't know how to get there on my own so I thought the drinking was gonna get me there and that hopeful drinking which turned to Jekyll and Hyde drinking

progressed into where I was just

Mr hot

and I was very

our

happy with the places that alcohol was actually taking me I was not waking up with Prince Charming I was not waking up famous for anything that someone would be proud to be famous am

I found myself

so lonely and so desperate

and that drinking turned to hope less drinking

hopelessly drinking just to drink just to get there just to get to where I could get to my rage and I could take it out on the world

and I hated you all hated everyone I didn't think I hated myself I thought if the rest of the world is drink like me the world to be a great place you know

so I did fight I was ninety eight pounds

there's a lot of fighting bottle throwing at people's heads

I like to pick fights with great big guys

in bars that I wasn't legal in

I usually had someone come and break it out for me which was really lucky you think about it

that didn't lead to any good relationships people didn't love me all over and it didn't give me any peace and they didn't give me a feeling like I was gonna ever go anywhere in my life but down

the desperate drinking that I was doing and all the lonely feelings deep inside of me we're so consuming

that in the end of my drinking I didn't care anymore about you or me and the people that I once cared about didn't matter at all

and I found myself and station eighteen and Washoe Medical Center for all of you don't know that's the not ward

and I met there a psychiatrist who told me his story and he was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I said well thank you for sharing I think you really want to sleep with me but I have to go back to school now and she got so I'm going to go home but he get it left me with one piece of advice he said okay try not drinking just try that you're desperate you're suicidal you're not happy you know trying not drinking

and at the age of twenty I said okay I'll give that a shot although I didn't believe that that was going to solve my problem when it

but I didn't walk away from their drive away from their back to Chico and I try not to drink and I went to a party and that they had a keg of beer and you know I had one

but that's not drinking right you know that was my thinking at that time that that's not really drinking because you know I wasn't drunk wasn't blacked out it wasn't dancing on tables that wasn't running around naked done anything I wasn't really drinking and

that progress so quickly into burning school books in blackouts and dancing around yeah it progressed so quickly and

the thought of

not drinking was not a part of my life drinking was my solution

but when he planted that in my mind that there might be another way just to try not drinking

I went back to station eighteen I started attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and I read what they call the blue book the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous which is the program to me I didn't believe all of you I thought you were all sneaking out drinking in your Cup of coffee right here and I do not believe that you are really just not drinking and smiling and laughing and having a good time because I hated you well anyway and then to believe that what you were saying mentioning you know just didn't mean anything to me but what meant something to me was that big book

and I read that big book into me that is the program I look at the nine step and I said aha

that's where I can change and when I reach that step I know that I will have changed in my life as I really put an honest effort forward to work steps

and that's when I started becoming active in the program and getting a sponsor and he joined everything you know I yeah right off the bat was doing all the activities all the dances every thought painting signs I was emptying ashtrays back then and

and we would stand at the door as a newcomer and we would shake everybody's hand and say welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous even if you are an old timer

we're not to copy as a group and I didn't like you all but I was there by god

I was there

and what I know today is those steps have changed me they have changed the inside of me where I can be a caring human being today I can sit and listen to my son talk and I can hear what he is saying to me

I can hear the people who have pain inside them but they're actually just raging but there are so much in pain I can hear them and I can care about them today

and this is a big change for this alcoholic I can really have compassion for another human being

and the promises are coming true for me today

I can say that I've had millions of things happen to me physically my body has started to break down like I can't believe I've had a lot of health problems over the years and I can say that that's not a good reason for me to drink today

I've had a lot of people die in my life and that's not a reason for me to drink today

I can say that it's a reason for me to stay sober and stay caring it's a reason for me to be calm the person that I never thought I wanted to be the person that I never thought I could be

and the person that I really am

and it matters to me and you matter to me and that's a huge change I can thing you know for my father who never had that in his life that's the reason for me to stay sober now that's the reason for me to stay sober

my dog died December fourth my dog has been with me she was sixteen years old

and you know my father died in September but this dog he used to come to meetings with me she wrote in my truck and she came with me and she was she was probably the first thing in this world that I ever really loved

with my whole heart and she died and

I can say I can grieve over her I can feel this compassion I can love her and I can say wow she had a great life we had a great sober life together and I thank god for that dog

and she's still with me

do you still with all of you

yes he came to our meetings

and

we now have to be to the boys in our family

and all the wonderful things that you can have in your life you know I'm not a famous actress I didn't get all the things I wanted in this life

I didn't get to be a grandiose life that I thought I deserved or they thought I wanted but what I've got is worth so much more than that I'm an empathetic

caring human being right

I thank Alcoholics Anonymous for that and I think all of you for being here

what