The Arizona State Convention for Young People in Alcoholics Anonymous, ASCYPAA, in Flagstaff, AZ

introducing Paul F. in Phoenix Arizona

well this sure I'm a recovered alcoholic

yeah

okay this this conference rocks

well

it is it is a privilege and an honor to be here and also I have to be crazy to be here night stand in front of

the biggest group of

people are probably the most arrogant

judgmental critical people on the planet come up here and talk to you about god

I don't agree to do that

you know what I like to do before I get started

if you'll bear with me let's have all the worker bees stand up

all the worker bees at this conference stand up

to the new people I would like to welcome you to the greatest organization on the planet

I love I love those subreddit countdowns this that you kick in it is such a celebration for each and everyone of us

you know

in my twenty years of writing does not belong to me belong to this program

my sobriety does not keep me sober

I will certainly share with you

well I was told when I came into these rooms

and that is

if you will take this book and you will follow the recipe in this book I can guarantee you you will never ever have to drink and use again

ever

and you don't ever have to live the way religion before

that's what they told me when I came into these rooms

now I'd like to sit back here and tell you that when I first came in my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that it was a bundle of joy to be here with you people

and that was not the case

I went to my first meeting when I was nineteen years old

and everybody in the meeting was at least thirty

and that's old

when you're nineteen that's really all

there are a lot of people there were forty and fifty in that room

never ever said in that meeting thinking oh man I've ended up in a

the end of the road no more fun I looked around all these people who were sold I thought man if I was that let's stop drinking too

these sorry people you know never said in that meeting looking around the room thinking and listen to the people talking and thinking man I sure am glad they're here listen to that guy over there man he needs this program that look my god I listen to that guy over there Jeez he needs help I'm really sorry

if you have to come here

no what happened for me was for the next twelve years

I bounce in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous

and I could not stay sober

and

I was confused and I didn't understand why I couldn't stay sober and I saw people around me things over no I am not in that twelve years

I did fellowship

I know a lot about fellowship within Alcoholics Anonymous

but I didn't know anything about the program you see in that twelve years

I was what my first mother referred to as being severely intelligent

and when he said that to me it sounded like a compliment but it did not feel like one

I came into this program they can I was smarter than every single person in the room and I could do less than you and get more out of the program then you

as a result I couldn't stay sober and I almost died several times

now there were a couple of minor things that I overlooked

in the program about collecting on this

couple of minor details that

I fail to see were really that important you know things like doing the steps

read in the book getting a sponsor

learning how to pray and meditate learning how to do evening review learning how to be a service to my fellow man

I didn't do those things and as a result I did not stay sober

when I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous August twenty six nineteen eighty one

my biggest fear the biggest fear I had is that it would not work for me

he simply would not work because I would go to meetings and I would see people things over

and I thought that there was something fundamentally wrong with me deep within me

with new people frighten me because you people talk about things that I knew nothing about

he took you know you you you talked about honestly I don't know anything but honestly

he talked about love I don't know anything about that

to me love was a horizontal lacked

and sometimes it was vertical

I mean that's what I thought love was that I didn't know you know when I came into these rooms it is not that my language was bad it's just that that's all I knew

I don't know anything else no

so I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous that did not come back here because I want to get sober

that's not why I came back I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous because I wasn't paying

and because I had gone out and I committed a crime and I was facing twenty five years in penitentiary

so that's pretty good motivation for me to get back here

and that's what I did basically what happened was when I had a blackout I saw the three police officers

look up in the county jail

twenty three stitches over my left I almost lost my left eye a couple of broken ribs could hardly walk I thought man that was a bad car wreck that was in

no that's not what happened

Fenix PD doesn't doesn't take kindly to assaulting their officers that you simply don't

and that's what brought me back here

and as soon as I stand up here tonight and and and look across the

Russ's room full of people I'm just I I'm I'm feeling so blessed

and and and my my heart just feel so full right now can you imagine what this camp would be like if we were drinking

seasons this campus this campus fortunate isn't

Wedbush it yeah

and I believe the things to thank those over to I don't doubt that

so what happened to me was that I came back to AA

and none

I didn't really do anything differently

what happened was

something different happened to me

the first thing that happened to me was

you need my father picked me out

I didn't pick him out

he was a it was a guy from New Jersey who used to break legs were living

when he came out to me and said I'm going to be your fault

I said oooh okay

and he was very good about six for any weed about two sixty

so when he would come up to me and say I'm going to go to a meeting

I didn't argue

the reason I went to meetings that beginning is not because I want to go to meetings because I was scared of scared he's gonna kick my ****

tell you the truth that and the fact that I was facing twenty five years in penitentiary

and this is what this man did for me

this man gave me the dignity of finding out

for myself if I really belong in this fellowship

you see I need to find out if I was a real alcoholic

because until I find out that I'm a real alcoholic I'm not going to have what I call the first up experience

and that first experience means I need to get in touch with the hopelessness the futility the despair the anxiety the fear the panic that I had when I was drinking

because if I don't have that experience I have no desire to find a power greater than me

see what I discovered in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous that there are only two things that are going to treat my alcoholic

only to

a whole lot of blues or a whole lot of gun

that's it and I came in here and I had an itch

the big book talks about refers to it as being irritable restless and discontented and that was me one when I when I first got sober I was restless irritable and discontent I need to get out of the high data can you take his his medicine away from him he's got a hell of an itch you need to be scrapped right now

and that's what my father did for me what he did was he start taking me through this book

he gave me the dignity of finding out

did you begin the meeting identified myself as they recovered

alcoholic I am not a recovering alcoholic I'm recovered what that means I mean I'm not suffering anymore I'm very

all this talk about this

they talk about being recovered from the hopeless since hopeless state of mind and body the whole state of mind his mental obsession that the authors talk about local state of bodies of phenomena creating she is a result of having a sponsor who had what I refer to as big books of writing he took me through this book he pointed out to me he said there's a recipe in this book he said if you will follow this recipe I can guarantee the authors guarantees others guarantee that I'll never drink again and there's no reason why each and everyone of us in this room don't ever drink again there's no reason for

it's like a cookie recipe

I have a cookie recipe and and I think this or no raising cooking given the run of play here check this cookout man he's a that's a good cookie

yeah I have a recipe yes they sure

he goes all in Mexico usually comes back and says Hey that could get in place right

that's it will do you follow that recipe well sort of

you know there is there is a stop and I don't really think need to be put in there you know I put a little more maybe put a little more sugar than your recipe calls for because I want to kick out of that you know

it's not gonna turn out the same and that has been my experience in these rooms and that's what that's what they did for me

it was absolutely essential for me to have a personal shopping experience yeah there's only one thing that separates me from the non alcoholic you guys like this jacket I'm wearing

yeah it looks good doesn't

I'm taking off

so what he did is he took me through those brought

to find out of those real outgoing you know separate me from the real often the not only only one thing all the phenomena of trading doctor Phil court is very clear about this where he says that the phenomena creating never occurs in the average temperature maker

never occurs doctors still growth is very clear he talks about the phenomena creating is being a physical condition not a mental condition the physical condition of craving in other words what happens in my head it's called mental fashion others are very clear about that

after I put the uncle of my body I experience a phenomena craving that's how I Norman alcoholic

first time I was asked that question do you experience when I'm craving I said no I just wanted more

that's what it really is you know and then in the doctors don't worth goes on to talk about

having an allergy to alcohol an abnormal reaction I remember the yeah do I have an abnormal reaction well I think I'm allergic to alcohol

because when I drank

I broke out I broke out and help those in orange coveralls

I mean I did crazy stupid insane **** remember the very very first the very first time I drank I drank like an alcoholic I drink for the reason of the resentment because I wasn't allowed to do what I wanted to do when I want to do it I was confined to my house

I don't know how old I was thirteen fourteen years old I was allowed to go anywhere my parents were alcoholic and they had an excellent alcohol supply

and that one in the kitchen and I only had one drink only one

now that Drake was a big tumblr about this big

then I went into their cabinet and I poured a little Bourbon little wine little vermouth little Jan little vodka and I shook that's not your own and I drank it all down in one sitting and I got good fit

now yes what I did the next day I went in I did the same ****

that is called an abnormal reaction

the thing I love about this book is he gives me the the dignity of finding out if I belong in this room how much would you wind putting emphasis on that because until I find out who I am I will not know where to go

hi Walter guy who's over almost ten years in these rooms he was not an alcoholic

his addiction to another thousand small cocaine that non addictive substance you know

it would have been for him as he went to treatment and they told me well since you're an addict or alcoholic usually just go day

and the guy was miserable you know I was miserable because his sobriety was based on a lie

was based on a lie

he had the itch we couldn't scratch it he was herbal resolution discontented and I seen that time and time again in these rooms

you are the only one that can determine that however the authors in this book give me an outline to follow to determine if I belong here to find out if I really an alcoholic I'm a real are not like I'm now gonna get they talk about on page twenty one

who's lost all control

I am the alcoholic who has lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not drink

I'm never going to meetings and hear people saying I choose not to drink today

okay let's let's check that out for a second

now if I can choose an outbreak one of my doing today

if I have the power to do that

know what I heard too was don't drink go to meetings

what

no wait a minute I come to you I weighed a hundred and thirty pounds and this is after put a little bit of weight not not looking good okay and I come in here I got no power and then bouncing in and out aid for twelve years I can't stay sober so don't tell me to not drinking go to meetings because if I had the power would have already done it I don't have that power now some of you may have had this experience maybe you haven't but I would go to the needs of your stuff like that and I thought that's not novel that sounds really cool so the next meeting I go to

I'd look around make sure nobody was in that meeting that within the one before

and that Rick and I would pair it what was that

and I thought I was speaking the truth when I discovered as a result the going through the steps in this book that that is not the truth

I am no more physicals over today than I was in the first if the right

I am no closer to god today the twenty years writing that it was my first taste of writing because I cannot get closer to god because my book tells me that the fundamental idea of god can be found deep inside of every man woman and child

inside

still got it inside here how can I get closer to it

it's impossible

do I have a deeper understanding of god today yes

in my work physically it's over now that was then no

I'm no more physically it's over now it was the very first day I walked into AA three C.

he took me through this book and I start getting if you had me take state is in the in the book and turn them into questions

in in ask me like it says on page twenty four thirty four am I willing to consider that I have lost the power to choose whether I will drink or will not will not drink now

if I had the power to drink or do not drink why didn't exercise the power before

because I don't have it

I simply didn't have I'm not

the alcoholic they can come into these rooms

it's placed over on my own it is impossible

so through the work in this book what I discovered was that in that twelve years that I was bouncing out eighty eight I had it backwards I had a program totally backwards I thought you guys were going to show me how not to drink

that's not what this program is about there's anybody new in here Alcoholics Anonymous is not about not drinking

doesn't say that in the book on the contrary the authors encourages to to go out and try some control drinking

there's only one mention in the book in within the percentages were pages worth mention

we're absences mention and doctors don't worth makes mention where he says that total absence is the best approach

yeah I thought I could come in here you're gonna show me how not to drink now you were going to give you the power you were

and then I was gonna find a higher power and then I was gonna say so

hi Natalie backwards you see if that one was about not drinking we could use one word to describe step one you know what I would say it would say quit

our stock

it doesn't say that this is admitted I have no power

I have no power the second half of step one tells me that I need a new manager

I can't manage my life if I was doing such a good job of my life only doing your neighbor you people

at I'm telling you what the what the right now I still can't manage my life

I still have no power see see step one guarantees me one thing it guarantees we I am going to drink

step one is not about hope it's about hopelessness and until I have the experience of hopelessness I have no desire to find a policy and then with no desperation has no desire for mercy

the zero is absolutely essential for him to drive that in my fat head that I had no power he pointed out to me is there anything that you can do to keep you sober no there is absolutely nothing I can do to get myself already nothing your topic it really gets me in meetings what are you doing today to keep yourself over

really

there's only one there's only one right answer to that question nothing

I don't have any power I cannot keep me sober it is impossible so until I have the first up experience I cannot move on to step two is impossible if I don't have the desperation of a drowning man

I'm screwed

because I'm not gonna have any desire to seek a power greater than me so basically this is what my father did for me

he took me through the steps really quick

well that's a quick I mean less than sixty days he had me through all twelve steps and by my in that period of time

I've already done a fourth

I was actively making my nice that the man's I was doing daily prayer and meditation I was doing a daily tensed up which is not an evening reviewing or talk about that a little bit it's not confusion about that in these rooms I was doing an evening review which is the part of the eleventh

and they cut me loose

he said the work with mothers

now what happened to me as a result of that first step experience what desperately I mean desperately needing to find some power to keep me sober as a result the going through this through those steps I had a spiritual experience what does that do for me is they push the Ingleside far enough so that I can experience the grace of god twenty eight access to that power that's what keeps me sober

as a result of that he cut me loose it okay now go work with other alcoholic

and I would go to meetings and people were saying things to me I mean you know I do most

this guy Kelly loses to go work with other alcoholic then do what take him through the steps

see I was confused the program fellowship were not the same

the program is a twelve step contained in this book this is not the program this fellowship this is cool stuff man I need to do it okay I need to be really clear it's not the program

and I would go to meetings and people would start slamming it starts saying things like you can't be sponsored be able enough over long enough

where does it say that in our book

where does it say that can you

get get deal bill Wilson

I mean man I mean

no Wilson didn't know what he was doing doing nothing scientific I mean you know about him going seeing doctor Bob he couldn't find his **** in the dark on the cheese you know

he with his wife was a mess he was over six months all he knew was that he sensed that he had to talk to another alcoholic so what do you do you hooked up with this but Dr okay

that's what it was about Dr okay we don't have anymore time well now that get really funny but anyway

your tablet but Dr what does he do he doesn't talk about the drama of his drinking

he does not talk about the drama of the drinking nobody talked about he talked about his inner experience

he talked about his inner experience of hopelessness anxiety fear

the spare panic

wanting to stop drinking but he couldn't

that's what he talked about that's the reason why that when when I go out and speak I do not talk about the drama my drinking I'm gonna tell you why because in that twelve years I was over that's over that twelve years of bouncing out eight you know what I heard Michael Ochs

now check this out I'm new I'm in the back of the room and I'm here some guy talking about the penitentiary I'm here some guy talk about how many cars wrecked how many marriages he's had

how many bankruptcies at I'm sitting back and thinking I've never been to prison

I've never wrecked the car

I've never been married I don't belong

your drug logged if they created since they do not create relatedness

I can sit here tonight and share with you my inner experience

the the drama is unimportant that's what copies for the copy before the meeting after the meeting

that's what we you know talk about that stuff but not in the meeting

because that's what I heard in that twelve years when I came back some guy grabbed me we didn't talk about the drama is drinking he talked about his inner experience he talked about in the Jekyll doctor Jekyll Mr Hyde I never felt like I fit in anywhere

I remember having a fantasy about that one day I thought a spaceship was going to show up invoice is going to come out and say you can come home now

I didn't feel like I belong and when I found out all I belong there I was a good dancer when I drank

or so I thought

I was good with the ladies or so I thought until they talk to me the next day

I'm gonna try to get the short of it is a short as I possibly can because I know all of you are anxious to get to that thirteen step dance but you know

you know that you know I'm not going down Thursday at thirty that's what they are you know come on

you know what this is when yes was around before turning to ask upon all those years because yes for those of you that are you yes

you can joins icicles dances too and I was never there looking for you know miss right I was looking for miss right now you know

you know you know on that note now that I think about it I remind me of the experience I had with my sponsor

and this is one of the very few times in my sponsor asked me to do something that was in the book and he said I don't want you do not have a relationship in your first year

no my mind heard eighty said anything

that is singular right that's what all that means I can have three four five nothing everything was going well until one night I walked into the meeting the three of them within the corner talking to each other

I think relationships are built on the release of right you know what they'll get you closer to god will get you closer your sponsor

yes I did

the person who made it isn't going to be the love of your life I don't know that I'm not god

your life is none of my business

my job is to carry the message

the message that's contained in this book C. as a result my father taking me through this what I began to discover was that begin discover that I was hearing a lot of misinformation in meetings that is not in the book and this is what I've learned if it's not in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous it is not Alcoholics Anonymous

we're killing people we're losing people were losing a lot of people

because some of the crap on here and in meetings that are not can't contained within the first letter sixty four pages I was watching guys right now there are thirty sixty days over and I'm telling you man they're on fire

what I began to notice in that first sixty days I was over I began to notice that my sobriety look really different than the guys I got sober with and they just you know by their six month they got around to their forced from the London states over the point is my sobriety it really looked different

and I go to meetings it it's really easy to tell who's doing stock work started now it's easy those people on fire they haven't use yes and for life they haven't signed up for life we don't take ourselves too seriously yeah I know I can't take myself seriously you know why because I am the joke

I can't take myself seriously that's not what I call my sponsor up after Todd calling asking him to do this don't come much monster my goodness then they find anyone

are they that desperate

see I need that

I need that

so he took me through the steps

now

when I got to step two and three this is where I ran into some problems I had a I had some difficulty with that because the kid I grew up in a parochial school and I'm surrounded by those nuns Alice convince absolutely convinced that they were the ones the top the **** the art of punishment

so when I would go to meetings and I heard you say god I don't think I heard you say god

that's what my head hurt all right here comes here comes the punishing god here comes and then he pointed out to me where it says in the book that I can choose a god of my understanding to my books real clear my books says that I have the dilemma lack of powers my dilemma and they tell me on page forty five what the purpose of the book it is and that is to find a power greater than myself which will solve my problems so I'm not the smartest kid on the block but they did put this much together okay if the book is about finding a power greater than me that means finding a god of my understanding that the twelve steps are in the book what is the purpose of twelve step thank god

that's what it is see I had it backwards

so until I had that first experience of hopelessness and futility and despair

I was in no position to seek a power greater than me

and they didn't have to be the god of the clergy or the church of my parents could be god of my understanding

and from there I can move on to step three and make that decision now I heard a lot of crazy stuff in the meetings the higher power you know once again I received a lot of misinformation in the meetings

the one of the worst things I could do it myself so remember this fellowship is go to meetings

and pay attention to what I had mentioned to the opinions of people who are given in the meetings

you will learn how not to do a four step listen to the things needing

see what I did in that twelve years I was given opinions and experiences I never had

do you have any experience with something you can help me but if you don't have experience with it you can't help me you see you can take this booking you can select any page anywhere in the book anywhere do it sometime at random take the booking just randomly flip through the pages and stop randomly and read on that page and you'll find one of two things you'll find the author's experience with their powerlessness or their experience with the solution

isn't that beautiful and it's so simple so simple

so I had a hard time with this guy I think and I was here a lot of this information I mean it's a wacky stuff about higher power yeah could be a door knob you know it could be a ghetto blaster or maybe go on those great big rocks in your backyard and I'm not talking about the rock that they talk about cooking in on this by the way

I'm talking about the big go huge rock on the ground okay

and I did a test with that one day

and the test was this I took that rock and I applied it to the twelve steps

can you believe that a rocket restoring sanity

I made a decision to turn my long life both your rock

hello the manager my rock another person myself exact nature my remarks

not through prayer meditation to prove my relationship with my rom

it doesn't why

you know why because it's not in the book

it's not in the book

it's simply had to be a god of my understanding no matter how limited it was see I can't think my way into god I can only do it from my heart

that's the only way that I can do it

I had a couple of difficulties in early sobriety with that I started getting disillusioned in early sobriety because of what I saw happening with people for example a good friend of mine went to a mutual friends house and knocked on his door and my friend Brad opens up the door and my friend Phil said Hey watch this includes brings out

and this is a guy who looked really good on the outside

he looked really good on the outside

so even though I had gone through the steps and I had had a spiritual experience see I was confused because I would go to meetings and I hear people talking about the spiritual waking spiritual waking I had my first experience I had virtually when I'll get mine was mine with mine at you know I've got these that I'm doing what you tell me do ours my where's my spiritual experience I'm not getting it there was no burning books for me and as the old timer pulled me aside and said

do you have a compulsion to drink today one no

that is the spiritual experience the book talks about an entire psyche change

note my thinking changed I have changed nothing in twenty years in these rooms

what has happened for me is that as a result of doing the work as outlined in this book the change has come to me

do you provide me with an environment where change can take place you see if I have the power to change my behavior is already done

I have no power so

another way of saying it is each one of those steps illustrates the same thing in that is I have imperfections

and I have limitations and I will always have limitations and they need to remember that

I want to tell you about this one does one period that that I went through

because I wasn't sure that god was going to be there for me because I saw people going back out it's online my friend die blown as brands of

I know something's going on my own family and I just you know I was using such despair in these rooms and I wasn't certain that god was going to be there for me so what I what I did is I came up with the with the plan

illegal meetings and talk you know we left each other you know it's it's our plans overlap and

and I had this plan and this this plan was I was going to give give give got one more chance

those were given one more chance

what a grocery store and this is my plan I was gonna take his grocery cart and I was gonna push it up and down the aisles

and if you can give me a sign

I was gonna get a bottle of Jack Daniels knows an address

so I get the car to go round the first corner I come down the aisle and I run into a friend from Alcoholics Anonymous

he says what are you doing

and I said I'm choppy

thank I couldn't afford to let you know I couldn't afford to let you know because I was afraid I was afraid to let you know I was very

I was afraid you would think I was weak so we chat for a second you know and

he went his way I went my way in which my car downtown and think in Lisle god that is really cool I tell you what

god

if you will give me one more

give me one more sign in and I won't drink okay

so then I go down a couple of miles and come round the corner and lo and behold

there's another member of Alcoholics Anonymous

one

he goes that the muses what are you doing

I'm shopping that's what I'm doing I couldn't I couldn't telling

I couldn't afford to get done with that well I want my way he went his way of thinking that is really cool you need to sign

god I tell you what

I am only going to ask for one more please just give me one more and then I'll be convinced that you're going to be there for and you're gonna carry me through this difficult time and I took my cart and push it up and down the aisles and no one showed up

they made all the way over to the liquor department I got my bottle

I'm standing in the checkout line there's only one person in front of me that person just finish and get ready to put the bottle up on the on the on the belt there's a tap on my shoulder

I turned my turned around there was another number another

this is what I learned from that experience and many other experiences that I've had in these rooms

that when I have a spiritual experiences spiritual awakening then it is my responsibility to maintain that fits virtual condition

if I am virtually yet it is impossible for me to drink

god will not let it happen it is impossible for it to happen and I've had that experience time and time again time again see this is what I discovered as a result of having a father who had the books of writing letters to the the recipe in this book the authors have spent

one third of the I'm talking about the first turn sixty four pages

the others is that one third of the book on step one alone

one thirty three is that one third of the action sepsis that's worth nine and then there's been one third on the strict disciplines of ten eleven twelve let's say I go through the steps one time to one inventory finish my man's

and I'm resting on ten eleven twelve I am only utilizing one third of the program

yeah I've been taught to do repeated inventory and to continue to go through the steps again and again and again and again why because there's a key word step twelve that key word is practice practice is defined as something I do repeatedly

so I see that hamburger I had yesterday is it going to sustain me today

that premeditation I did yesterday isn't gonna sustain me today to see I need a new spiritual food on a daily basis see that's my responsibility you know what that basically means

god does not keep me sober

me tell you heard that one in meetings

god give me sober really well let's see he got his wings over all I need is a book of one page one is going to say god gives over have a nice day

I don't have to do anything I get the steps one time and I can rest on my laurels and I can maintain that this group of condition that has not been my experience

nor do I keep me sober but as a result of doing the discipline

in gaining access to that power then I get to stay sober C. mobile guarantees me that I will be given the power to help other people

it also guarantees me that I will receive new power peace happiness and sense of direction that's in step two