H the 14th annual PS Convention in Palm Springs, CA

would you like to

I am Bob space he

addicts

I hate Bobby

I would trust guys over forty that want to be called Bobby Billy I mean you know

you know it's like

me and grow up

plus hearing sensitivity relationships it's going bad you can leave your cell phone on if you want

one

in this exact day is Deborah fourteenth birthday

I wish my does my through the

well I got a I can only stand in certain positions here

how's that

all right

now I don't get the senior

all right one of my rules of my own personal life his sobriety is I try awfully hard not to have conversations with people who are in the room you know

I was in so many times when it's time over the years that

I worry I don't know if anybody else worries

but I worry

and

thank you really isn't good for me

it it generally means so I can never remember thinking that something bad was going to happen to me

so in my sobriety I celebrated my thirty ninth year last month

that's what the miracle of miracles against over eight

yeah never goes away

three years years years recovering anxiety was my drug of choice

because I can create anxiety all by myself so I didn't need you you know

all I had is gone almost around here

twenty five seconds there to be completely insane

I can do it with the males

without opening the envelope

only use an envelope from the IRS and I go swimming completely bizarre

hide it somewhere so I can't I don't have to open it leave it there three days worry about it what about it this call is to me in the middle of the night from under the desk Spiro I own it instead of the fact I'm not going to federal prison is a refund check for three dollars and forty five cents

which means for three dollars and forty five cents or just completely wiped out three days of my life

recent experiences of sort of taught me firsthand

in a rather glaring way

there's nothing to worry about

absolutely nothing to worry about

and

this is a good group I like just two questions image here you know some of us who have been in institutions where they only gave us tablespoon seat where there's some of us who passed out on the eighteenth green at the Arnold Palmer barrister cells and comes over

this is a nice mix of folks here

for the last two weeks last year and my daughter with me searching

over Christmas and new year's grand time just a great time with your big new year's eve ball buyer down man's work like a million Bucks and it was a great orchestra and dinner and dance and

you know black high kind of things sort of

you can see I quite didn't probably go for the black tie but I came close

I can close

and

after that new year's thing three two days later January third I took a wrong

background here that said to their home in palm springs and dropped her off

then turn around and head back to LA

I come around a curve on the sixty or ten I can't figure out which I haven't really want to read the police report yet

some young girls have a flat tire in the fast lane

she is turned off her engine and put our emergencies right

I come around a curve about sixty five sixty miles an hour in there in front of me is a parked car

there were no skid marks and you have a chance to hit my brakes

total two hours cut me out of car

I was happy and have jammed under the dash

paramedics bouncing me on his knee tell me everything's gonna be okay I'm a street kid I will not repeat what I told him what I thought about it you know abortion

is everything was not OK and I've never been in that much pain in my entire life

thanks be to god I kept passing out but I kept coming to Italy in opportune moments

I can do when the yank me out from underneath the dash and put me on the board

and and the changes

god I'm one of the street kids used to run dope I mean I've I can show you a few bottles and nice cars and **** you know that stuff

let me tell you this turning anything very doing good on a movie or X.

our

can I speak with you know I don't know from where I speak

all my lives were broken my one long was class my knee was ripped up my head and really taken a hit my left hip was fractured all the way up to and including soccer

I don't know what else was wrong three other things were on minor ships

M. landman back of termina Gambill's can't talk can't breathe can't anything I want something for the pain can't give me everything because they say I got a need you know

like I am for the doctors which is not a philosophy I was very thrilled with

so they're in there in this paramedic ambulances sirens screaming

I understand you are still seeking to

any side Erro head

and I'm laying back nexus paramedic and I'm going nuts absolutely not

I don't want to hear god damn Erro head I want to hear seniors yeah I want to hear you say you know what I'm

here

now

next time I came to they're making the incision to set this to run along to resell S.

my timing is always stocked

and then I quietly slipped into a coma for three weeks

friends came to see me

arsenal is what our eyes wide open groomers you know

the brain waves were doing well

a friend of mine's wife told me last couple nights ago that when I was in this column my face was just a massive hearing

and

that one one of three friends of mine would come

they would spend most of the day and they would put a hand here on my chest so I wouldn't know there was someone there and she said the minute hand would hit my chest

I would relax the space would relax this year it would go away

after I am in this column and I'm laying there and I mean what is what is better to miss school on the judges I wanna strips

but and some of the related to what was actually happening only in a bizarre way

one of my biggest advocates was my ex wife this is unique I've been married seven times and she's the only one I talked to

and while the others didn't end to well

learn to grow to know

but this is the mother of her daughter

she marched in the hospital condition she had power of attorney over my health issues tell what you know want to see that what's needed to be done got done what they need to be done didn't get done nobody was calling you know stuff and

I am eternally grateful to her for her company in an industry she's very formidable to deal with

he's extremely beautiful white hair down but looks like an Indian is an artist in and not and so

he's a handful when she wants to make a point

this call

and I'm laying in soft your

Clinger

and I'm always says

this may be

and I'm in complete peace

complete at one point they brought in my daughter and my family to say goodbye because the brain waves and taken a dump and everybody figured I was dying

and I thought well you know if this is it and I was very peaceful I thought it's OK

it's perfectly okay

I had a really good life

you know I was over thirty nine guiding your side or really I want to know if that's the moment thank you com I don't know I have no idea

I wrote and produced television for about thirty years so my opening line when I came out of my column was change the **** channel last issued SRO

I'd like to clean it up for you but that's what I said when I came out of the calls

my next line was house Mrs bush

I will never cry again I don't even like animals thank god one of my friends were sense humor were sitting next to the battling Randy's dishes downstairs in the car waiting

well I'm moving from this hospital

to another hospital I'm still better than you know all that he millions durable stuffed in a diaper and yes yes and pain

they're so bad so quickly as to give me my my my morphine shots in my neck I never thought of that you're not really pissed me off

I think I have more things a lot of years I never thought of taking it in the neck you know

it's an immediate hit let me say this I have a second

and if those numbers over you know

but anyway

this

what is it now is your chance

this article was all right

because I had one friend one particular friend who came

five to six days a week at ten in the morning and sat in my room with me until ten o'clock at night

we didn't talk about anything spiritual women talk about A. or twelve stamps or work steps or we just watch TV and watch basketball and talk about TV and

but I was in a you know one of your callers are Simpson room you know

and so I was never lonely

I was never lonely he was always there for me it was a couple nurses in the hospital where he actually would have done specifically harm to it on the market got up out of the bag

I was in a lot of depression and then they got me up and put me in a wheelchair and I will add up like a Christmas tree

I had wheels under me man well

things are gonna change

I can get around on my own **** you you know I've asked you for anything anymore and I've never been good at asking for help

and they got me on a Walker you know bouncing them down the hall Walker

and I could put no weight at all on the side of my body none so I have two physical therapist one on one side and the other on the other side with their floor under my support which is really awkward I can't explain it to you and then you know bouncing down the hall on this Walker which was really exhausting

there is something out here women's women talk about for years years and I never got it you know I mean you know they say well I'm overweight I mean just double or I've just turned forty and you become invisible or fifty you become you just invisible and I will listen to Roman thing

you know I mean I couldn't get all of it I I just could not get all of it it didn't didn't register

and Jim can you give me one day is my first day out of the hospital on a Walker to go to a mall and go to lenscrafters and get glasses fixed as to why the ones on the record and like this you know on my face

and I'm going this long this Walker

the password you know I've been stuck with having to go along

C. A. R. ten good looking women your own little smile I appreciate the movie I just think it's a great same beauty

although smiling knows it all may be all but one will smile back this is a little weird knowledge ment of each other and that's all you're going

when was the smile the ten women

not one of them some

because of the Walker

nope that's a truce meaner a sympathy visit tonight you suck whoever you

I will never solve so horrible in my life

as that is

an invisible

you're not there you don't know

there's other people around other things around there are more important

I'm glad experiences because now I understand and and I mean to the point I want to see anybody in a wheelchair or a Walker to make eye contact with them and it knowledge of

just just a knowledge I know you're there hi you know I don't have to get into a long drawn out conversations you don't have to have to be a big deal any time hi that's all it takes

as much as I hate hostility came to me

one day

and they said we're going to move you

to another hospital

now in an absolute panic attacks complete total full blown panic attacks I don't want to be moved I couldn't stand change anymore I didn't want to meet new people I didn't want to different room I didn't want to do for TV I didn't want to different beds I didn't want to be taken further away from home because I was in Seattle which is close to home when you're ready to meet a promoter and I didn't want to go on I think he gave me some medicine and that didn't work and gave me a shot I was just gone I mean I was I'm bipolar anyway and I really was off the other organs completely in outer space

social order comes in the room

and says to me

hello John this is coming to look at your records

I'm just going to

you know talk to you about

Cascarino was also wants to know if she knows you from program

hi just relax

okay

yes god talking to me

hi I've perfectly loud and clear

she knows me from the program

I'm supposed to be going

so I'll go there

so I went there

and

when I got there I was on my eight set of orthopedic surgeons

and with all my scream internally and yelling about arrowhead hospital

without exception

and I mean this

without exception every one of the surgeons

said the guy did my hips

and there are

was a genius

I wasn't exactly the hospital I was supposed to be in

under the surgeon's hands I was supposed to be under I just finding stuff that you might hit three weeks ago I haven't looked at it and it was Manny's got teams in their angles I guess nobody ever thought of but their work and you know what I mean so I was

so

I had the right surgeon

I know that her she's on the program was moving medias are are still and it was cool let me say it man the nurses were great the doctors were great all the physical therapists were young and they wanted to be this call therapist that's why they were there they weren't there because they were doing it as a part time job while I become a nuclear scientist they were there because they want to be a physical therapist and they were great and they were the first ones ever ask me anything and I said what's your goal

and I said I'm going to leave here on a cane

good bye now is I I mean we knew I wasn't going to have to spend my life in a wheelchair but we thought I was going to have to spend on a Walker

Hey look at me before that we're going to work with me and said you stick with us

you do what we tell you to do

he will be here on campus

I thought all right

you know I mean this is this is kind of like a scene where you know my my

my parents my parents did the best job they could but it's but it's criminally punishable in a court of law you know

so they're responsible riders now but I'm ones responsible to fix it you know I mean that's basically how that little number works the my mother was a child better she would present today if you did to me in nineteen ninety what you did to me in nineteen thirty seven

so it's like

if I do what they say you know you give it to me your personal responsibility you know that's what the nine steps it's always been about to me making amends personal responsibility and my members were terrible and I haven't heard no response or with me on a couple of them because there were some very bad issues I had to do was I had to deal with a couple people that we're going to be partially crippled for the rest of their lives because of me and what went down and

that way and they were glad I found a leader it was not you know one of them says the amendments

what is my sponsored invites consoles with for fifteen years and in the same

we took care of me when I needed it the most

so I started doing what they tell me and I'm getting stronger and I'm in the gym and working out with the weights

finally I got the two things I want more than anything else in the world which is a can of diet coke Regar

is beautiful patio in this hospital I mean really really truly a beautiful patio with trees and flowers

which found that ran all the time it was the warriors and I would go out there all the time after my physical therapy instead the wheelchair and drink diet cokes and smokes cigars and read a book and what will my mind was the hospital was full and sometimes they said after three four hours and not see another person

he just stays inside

you know I could never understand this I'm sitting in my chair one of those days

and I have always been one

who is never

done enough spiritually

now I want you to know I've gone through a series of time why have gotten up at four o'clock in the morning and meditated for hours until eight AM yes I have been to returns to Asaram's two are you know just the whole thing

but it's never been enough

because I've never felt like I said the right throws a right time

I never saw that I'm driving up the coast I see the ocean it's beautiful when I got to get somewhere so I keep driving so if I was really spiritual I would have kept driving I was stopped and I would have gotten out and I would have sat in the center of my car and I would drink in the beauty of god's oceans and let it just fill me up you know I was really a good true spiritual person and I mean I have done that

stop to myself

thirty some years of recovery it's a been a continuous part of my spiritual programs

never never never and

I'm in a wheelchair in the patio

with my cigar

this was a Cuban somebody brought me was particularly nice

breaking the law

having my diet coke

knowing that I was hearing

and knowing that I was going to leave on a cane because I'd already tried it and I knew I was going to be able to do it

and I thought to myself

in this entire time

I have sent to prayers

that movie maybe at the outside were ten seconds long

I have meditated ones

maybe

for five seconds

and yet here I sit

I am alive

I'm supposed to be dead

I am hearing

I hit the ceiling

I'm on a cane

and I got it it came over me like a warm blanket the first thing I thought of was to prepare for instance

and I thought of a great

I am alive by the grace of god

and I had nothing to do with

nothing

it had nothing to do with saying the right prayer meditating for the right time going to the right ash rains nothing

Regis was beaten into submission

and by grace I'll probably get rid of the keen around Christmas

nothing to do

so now that I guess that

that's the real power of god

I didn't think you're all in the hospital

I want to go there

you know I didn't think castle Colinas I don't want to go to jail

hearing all the spin

that happens happened directly as a result of a loving person

that's it I've got nothing to do with it well there's a case I wonder how I am worried about

ever

however what I worry about well I have had a few problems in the past

lows matrimony

I've been there seven times

that's a very expensive happen when

well I haven't brought my

you know what I'm a product of the fifties nobody lives together in the fifties nobody lives together in the fifties you got married you know so I bring that mentality with me into relationships with women as crazy as I am like you know I'm a battered child by women so he has to say I have an immense amount of covering towards women are you staff I work through it you know most of maverick

and as we have a lot of women and a lot of covert anger towards men

hello

you have a large ballroom with two thousand people in

and I could spot her

and we would run for each other

like there was no

because we both knew the same thing

when the angels covert it comes out sexually

tell your you know things last year out of the wall of people's heads Boston preacher killed in an automobile hoods getting higher returns and all under the guise of making love

I love you hold still a minute I'll get your head out of the wall

I'm also task oriented

thanks which means basically I have no value as a human being and I'm not doing something

okay sensibles

if I'm not doing something there's no reason for me to be here I have no value and nobody's gotta know that anybody now

so so once there is redress for my house I don't know that my look and say well there's no mail

because refrigerator door say well you know what I'll go to the store and get some now now so far this is this is the opinion mental health

I have identified a problem

and I have identified a solution to the problem

so I'm okay

now we can handle

I look at my watch and set out to do that but for

I don't want to be backed by four I don't have any place to go till six

but I'm I'm gonna have any value as a human being I'll be back by four

I have not put myself in a position to doing sixty five in a thirty five

my car in the fire zone if the market

one would have to

your last line we are in some human beings with their checkbook out forty items

I'm going to battle over in the parking so I'm completely because of I don't get home by four

this is

I'm done

things to myself there's nobody else saying come home afford Arlene

let me alone me myself and my dog you know and I'm not really mad I was my own supermarket mills yeah

rest check out lines

to kill some

you know just just completely crazy

so the only way in my sobriety is ever been possible for me to make a deep spiritual surrenders is I must be physically stopped

I'm serious

now we we got okay I got it the car accident I don't know I don't know the lesson is but I've got that I was physically stop you know

I I didn't this something's come on I get it I'm here for a reason I I got all I understand all of it I just don't happen to know the moment and what it is

okay well you're probably supposed to write that book you know the book

I say no

no I don't know that look I don't know I have no idea you know keep speaking and being a rebel and and just making people so mad they change colors by doing nothing more than sharing my experience strength and hope and telling my truth

I tell you my choosing you go home and you know

and opinions I mean is it a startling share some opinions that are I mean

the guy was going to be taking a four or three o'clock in the morning going to kill me and on my drive home I've noticed over the car one analyst things now I don't believe that

right now I'm

thank you

I have been physically stop by being physically injured as I became a writer

a very successful television writer again I was thrown out of high school was integrated and I do mean asked not to return to Los Angeles in the school system

I can't spell the next caller

mailing list with the greatest of these

I wasn't put into this this is a little more god here

I know Plano's sobriety to never know what anybody did for a living

I never asked because I knew I would use it

I needed of Mike was the plumber and so was a banker and my team's goal both wanted to go for coffee after the meeting

my exclude yeah

although my own plumbing but I never know when I'm going to need so the bankers

well known people good

and I'll be alive I broke my back comes with accident work what happened is I I'm I'm

my little story

I don't know I mean it really as bad in Denver Colorado to young people's convention we had our car broke down this guy came to take us in the and the three of us guys and three girls that is out with his incredibly gorgeous home in cherry hills

no no was a secret here

I think what some people found that I couldn't find out I am a complex is a good man one of those who read the book with a black light okay

working in the secret invisible

I'm convinced I was

that it was there that there was something I wasn't finding

so you know N. as in this guy's house or sitting around the kitchen table I'm four years older I will come out on you a number five and we're gonna die caster I don't have a car just prior to that I've been working in a car wash for a Buck and a quarter an hour I had started a dollar thirty five I just

I stay within the slogan you know washing

and you gotta remember that I was really

I mean I don't even like saying about it now but I was not a

a good human being you know I was a very lonely men the awful lot of people any image is important when when you're when you are insane and you are in fact that and I broke out in a rash from the detergents

I certainly manly enough

so I had to be moved off to the drive off in

well now I got to take like a quarter hits from people

you have no idea

you have no idea what take your coworkers have meant to me

how much it warms my heart

digested I'm okay and I'm making pretty good money and I'm working at this place I'm back in Colorado or in this guy's house is gorgeous house sitting around those big oak table and he looks at me he says and now here's the guy has never had a bad day and he's like he's

one of these it passed out on the eighteenth green at the end of their Country Club and that's over you know

I can't go out and talk about drugs

no warning geysers does Charlie snowshoes in Denver Colorado want to know about

you know unless he's got a kid locked in the closet or something that's out of control I said why

well I am I'm good at it myself is that I'm a I'm a three time loser from the city to California I was important twice and Baltimore once

he said I came here to Denver two days over hours to days over

four years passed over those whose drives to the server

my point is why we're working behind the counter in the clubhouse downtown servants who has a scheduled let us

and I'm sitting there

and I'm thinking

I have found the guy

who's going to tell me the secret

we have a lot in common you know I

I know it's not his money

I know it's not a money issue in Oregon this skid row clubhouse

so I said to myself would you mind explaining all this to me

well it means that we take third step every morning

I last saw you guys there I cried

I was almost five years older for the first time I heard the third step

maybe this isn't a terrible what our lives over the care of god

how

I always miss

I will turn over everything but relationships morning appointments

yeah I was born here so the bank will bring him in the car wash so only I could even get anybody to go to coffee with me to talk about the third step you know I look

the next date in a fluke accident my phone is one of the alternatives isn't crushed to learn a breeze and my back if you need emergency hospital and my back is is is pretty bad because I was the kind of person who came out from behind and they said well you cannot stand for long periods of time again you can't lift heavy things and yeah yeah yeah watch out is cubicle emergency room and left me alone there in my head which is always been supportive of me throughout my entire

news news

okay last night you surrender to god one of one of broken back let's do it again maybe we can wind up in a wheelchair

the first time in my life I had this thought was white you know what

S. L. breaking my back is a good deal

although I know

I have no idea Sir he said I would do is put in front of me to do is show up

still there

the star legend vocal rehab

god will green has

I didn't write down they didn't like blue they kept giving me aptitude test I kept coming up different stuff you know

I

I was just being honest about how I felt that there you know

I

yeah yeah I wonder

insiders

that is an important just to get me G. D. seven four zero eight let me bachelors in psychology and I could become a social worker

Jack is there

if you read them

is that I am a homicidal some psychopath with inability to function in a in a world that contains a printer in the world god whatever was innocent because you really need to confuse people what our reaction to that world with extreme violence

and I said I had never heard of that is it true that causes the social

and you're missing the point I don't want people

I keep growing every month and I'm going home and I keep going I'm going home when I was a TV guide there's an ad that says would you like to be a writer

Envestnet always

this voice

and I'll tell you something about staying or voices in minutes

he says to me let's try that

my head of course immediately says

never mind what it says

in his trash me completely yeah you can't spell you can dance

so I went through my my counselor this ad and soon the last or journal star will tear

because yeah my whole Jackie she couldn't spell she knew I didn't know you know my sentences were ending in dangling something or others are

it was a joke you know

but died out with the van Nuys office of vocational rehabilitation because I was a black mark I've been on the road six months and they had been able to do anything with me this guy she said we don't pay for correspondence courses he's got a paper basket weaving for me you know he kind of got me to have all these rolls out of his office right this is what happened of course sending home

so when I got my blessings that I tried to write a short story it was terrible I put in a way that try to write it said I was reading my books in the series thanks a million you're familiar with and I thought well I haven't read anything but I've certainly log long hours of bright colors and so I've tried to write a bonanza

it was really bad well I mean what I did was good but I tried writing it with dialects for the Chinese cook and stuff and it was

it was really bad

in my books and it said right about something you should not only widespread media information which you should write about a subject you're familiar with

and I thought well crime

yeah

I don't have a plan that's not right at all times so as to who I thought was the best reasons Ironsides because he was like smart yeah okay this is cool

Morgan will hide in the store is Ryan sizes but no one will move in tomorrow I'll be doing the two oxidation and doing the traditions Jim Miller

when Grassley often home for about six months now Montel part right

learn about

so I'm trying to write a story for television is it really is that's what I do I work for TV

okay

I said if you want to do when we're done I will you know give you some pointers

all those people as criminals

they provided it you know I have to do anything that is your

what I want I make use of their what they're bringing to me

is where my free will comes in

I can either allow god to do the power in my life and let this Eskimo bring into my life what they have been put there to bring into my life all I can ball moss I always have that option

sorry

the tumor reading yours about twelve things you didn't like I imagine six oh my didn't change the other six would have been fine I was just writers you know choice

he set up I would like to have a good type this up for you

and I said yeah actually I would I don't think universal knows it did is spelled B. D.

I've got a good program types up my stuff for me I said that's great I'd like to see the money go to somebody in a

so does it does I've been put through those that are completely insane trying to figure out how I'm going to get this to a studio or an agent or iron sized island buzzer you guys soon when I'm in the state I mean I hold my breath a lot and moves fast I injured myself continually you know because I try and do things too quick and I saw the screwdriver to Mike Tomlin lives

Magnus while I'm thinking about how I'm going to solve this problem

that's what I'm telling myself

well that was then I just finished reading your story this is really good she said you don't have a lot of work and I said why are you so why was why was

good news social producer would you like me to the story and for you

I guess I could have said no you know

but I did yes

that was in its early years of writing for me

good years

Eskimos I had been physically stopped

I mean you don't have to break bones just just put me in bed for four days sitters and dog and I will surrender you know it's like little thing there's no pain in chains absolutely none no pain in chains