Joe H. from Santa Monica, CA speaking the Spiritual Awakenings Group in Bernardsville, NJ

my name is Joe Harkin I'm a recovered alcoholic

and I'm not the kind of guy you could tell do go as long as you want

I'm

I wear a jacket I did work okay

it's good to be here

happy holidays

my home group I was very I I I was very touched when Chris we're sharing them he's one of those guys you meet or that I need from time to time and there's a

an instant connection

because you know you

you both you both are members of

and X. have experience not only the spirit of the fellowship

this describes a wonderfully in our book that probably everybody in this room is felt

maybe sometimes in your first meeting

where you share with people with a common problem

once in a while here in their share with people with a common solution

but the book also describes another fellowship within our fellowship and that's the fellowship of the spirit rather than just the spirit of the fellowship and you know way back then they said that here and here and here in there once in awhile you will meet people who've had vital spiritual experiences and I don't think that number has changed much but you seem to be very fortunate in this group in this room to have that that you share with other people and hopefully point them toward

and he's one of those guys that when I get to meet them there's just this instant connection we know

just from looking at each other

that we have

joined in more than just this this wonderful spirit in our fellowship but

something much deeper that we try to share with people that goes anywhere

that's not limited to the room

it's not limited to when you're sitting with your sponsor that's not limited to so when you're sitting with someone you're working with but that goes everywhere everywhere you go I also relate to

being amazed at watching from a simple request

amazing things happening he told me a little bit about

how the head of this church and asked him to come here based on what he saw on somebody else

you know I always think that it started for me was step one

and I always seem to forget that it started it started for me from the twelve step in somebody else's heart

somebody else who cared about being there on a Friday night and I don't think it was definitely not his home group and it might not have been a place he really wanted to be on a Friday night but maybe that Friday night's

and he was never there in the other Friday night while I was there in that treatment center

it was in the basement of the place it was a big room it was a it was an outside a meeting that met there on Friday nights and the rest of the time I was there in treatment I never saw him on a Friday night so maybe that was one of those nights where he got a strange idea that comes from nowhere that he was supposed to go down to that place and he might have come there not even knowing he might have wanted to be home with his wonderful wife

but he came anyway because you start to trust something that goes on inside of you beyond desire want

or even what's logical

and if you were to tell me that when I was new I would have said what else is there but logic and reason and what I've learned

and thank god there's more than one I ever knew

thank god there's something more than trusting this mind and thank god this mind can be changed and that that's promised to me

if you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous welcome

I was I say recovered because I understand what alcoholism is and I'm not suffering from it tonight but please don't think that means secured it is a promise

from our founders

a false modesty that I don't suffer from that they didn't either for only one reason not because I have brought myself to recover St I say that for the new person for only one reason Alcoholics Anonymous works

and I'm promised that on the first page of the first edition and the first forward of the first book ever printed and none of those people had more than four years

I think our founder got sober thirty five the book came out in thirty nine and on their first page not only did they say that this was the story of how more than one hundred men and women had recovered from alcoholism okay maybe they exaggerated on the number that's not unique for an alcoholic you know

you know

if the fish was this big it was really that big by the time I tell all that but

in their first four were they told us something that has been lost

that I believe is our responsibility to remind people that the main purpose of this book is to show other alcoholics precisely how you can recover

my friend Frank one of my heroes he always says if someone says they're recovering it probably means they're not

and I think sometimes suffering from false modesty can hurt the new person

for me to stand here tonight and say that I'm twenty that I'm well into my twenty first year and and I live with an unmanageable life and that I'm powerless and then I can justify all kinds of things because I'm a powerless alcoholic with an unmanageable life would not be anything attractive for somebody sitting here knew something came between me and alcohol

more than twenty years ago August seventeenth nineteen eighty two and that whatever it is has been there ever since

and I do not live with an unmanageable life

if I do some stupid thing it's not because I'm not a holic anymore

you know it's because I'm blocked or I'm being selfish

responsible or not turning to the power that's been there for over twenty years

and if the problem is that you're powerless over alcohol and you're tired of living an unmanageable life we have a we have a recovery process that will not only

get you in touch with something that's come between you and alcohol

but I'll give you a life that you can begin to manage along certain lines all that you want you'll be given and I don't want to use words that aren't in our book but in some places these would be like heresy

you will be given will power that you can begin to properly use

you will be given a sixth sense beyond the five that you're used to being dominated by

and those are all promises in the big book they will even tell you that sanity will return

but the problem with alcohol will be removed

and that you will be given the greatest to maintain the Fitchburg her condition I see that as a gift you know if I could see if I could you know all the way from the third step till today there's questions that just bring me to the reality of how my mind is there's a great third step question when you're looking at

running life on self Wheeler playing god and the question is if you would have had a little bit more to do with your own creation would you have done a little better job

and in that giggle you'll find how your mind thinks it could have done better than god almighty right

and you know today

you know if I could self will my spiritual growth you all would be coming to visit me at an ashram in India rather than me coming to visit you right

you know I would have trans the sad thing is I would transcended alcoholism and I would be a bachelor no use to anybody anymore but if you know what alcoholism is

a physical craving and a mental obsession rooted in the spiritual malady that I had full blown before I ever took a drink every description of untreated alcoholism the spiritual malady the young manager ability whatever you wanna call it fits me before I ever took it during

now I believe alcohol has something to do with that because alcohol works not because alcohol didn't work

one of the greatest first step questions I've ever heard asked when you have somebody who has maybe a lot of different stuff

you know drugs alcohol whatever is asked them to start to look at what treated it

what treated this birch amount what took away the manifestations of page fifty two what straighten you out what gave you the power to bring even if it was false even if it didn't last that long all of us got something from whatever it is and the sad thing is most alcoholics will say that that drug whether it's alcohol or whatever was their drug of choice

I believe if you find something that finally treats it and you know what I mean when I say it it probably became your drug of no choice

right

my drug of choice was yours I was either going to take it from here I wasn't right

I also had some choice over some other drugs but alcohol was my drug they treated it and that I soon had no choice over

and I have to say to you that if there is such a thing as a spiritual condition if there is such a thing as being in the Fitchburg her condition I believe in if it's spiritual condition there's about as much choice to drink as there was to not drink

and I believe that's also a promise and a book that you will be put in a position of neutrality

you haven't even swarmed all sworn off

this new attitude about alcohol and just come right

and if you look at every description in our book of somebody who went out behind the insanity every one of them had the thought that maybe now today I have a choice

so if you're sitting here tonight with the however much time and you think you have a choice about grace

you might ask yourself whether it's a gift or an accomplishment if it's something you've pulled off

then maybe today you have a choice if it's something that's been given to you as a free undeserved thank god it's undeserved

gift

you might see that you have about as much choice to drink as you did to not drink and that's enough it's spiritual condition now do I believe I could slip from there do I believe

yes I do do I believe I'm cured now do I believe I can drink alcohol no

do I believe even though I found out I'm not a drug addict and I could use drugs and not end up back on alcohol no

I heard a story once that sums up a lot about my life and I'll tell you the story and then I'll tell you a little bit about what it was like when I was like even that is misinterpreted sometimes from a book it doesn't say that I should tell you in a general way what it was like what happened and what it's like now because that just leaves the new man one more time saying well what is it

and you can tell your story from a lot of different perspectives you can tell him what it was like with your emotions and telling entire story in through your sobriety focused on nothing but how you feel

and boy that's a sad way to live

missing dimensions of yourself and god

that whatever it is that is within us I could tell you my story from a point of view of money and if that's your focus from then it's probably going to be your focus now but I'll tell you this I've never had enough money to fix the spiritual Melanie

my grandsons are called me one scary brown from Indianapolis and he's one of these guys will call and tell a story and then just hang up

any calls is it hi this is Gary he's like us very very simple your individual he's like a farmer he lives in Indianapolis Indiana and sells fertilizer

he said this is Gerry I want to call and tell you a story about a friend of mine so I automatically think he's talking about somebody else and he said yes a friend of mine named Charlie and every week Charlie nine buy lottery tickets

and Charlene I went last week to buy some lottery tickets in Charlie said he wouldn't buying lottery tickets anymore and Gary asked him why he is in Charlie says well I realize that the only reason I wanted to win the lottery was I could have enough money so I wouldn't have to trust god anymore see if

it's one of those delayed where they have like delayed action Prozac now delayed action this is like one of those delayed action stories were like a week later goes

it's like a delayed right cross it takes about a week to hear

you know he was talking about me that's me that's me you know the story I can tell you about my life is this is the story

my life was like a lake

and I'm about halfway across that lake

and it's getting really really hard to swim

because you know all I didn't really notice the time but I was swimming with a twenty pound anvil

and I'm going down I'm going to hunt for one of the last times and I would my head would pop up a little bit

and I saw the shore on one side and there's these psychiatrists sitting in their chairs with the pipe in there go to units so far

I yelled out to him for help and they said well

it'll be a long tedious painful process but we're going to find out what's wrong with you and you're gonna be able to cope with it and deal with it you won't have to do you won't have to swim there anymore

and my uncle got heavier

and I came up another time and I looked over on the side of the shore and there's people with the

the center

funny signs on the trees and

I've been to many of those places and they said you come on it's only thirty thousand dollars a month and most will will get you a big book in when you leave we're gonna give you your relapse prevention program and you're going to be able to prevent your next relapse

my uncle got heavier

and I looked over another time when my head came up on one side of the on the lake and there was these

guys with briefcases three piece suits and ties and I yelled the one he said well

we hear you but we're going to go down and we got to go down to the state capitol we're gonna make it against the law for you to swing in there and you will be able to do that anymore I handle got heavier finally I looked on the last side of the lake and there's some men with pro tractors and rulers and paper and I yelled wanted me came the shore he said you hold on we're gonna get it we're gonna build a bridge over there will pull you out

but we got to go get a permit from the state I am a got heavier

and when I couldn't see anywhere else

when I looked on all sides of the shore this little cove appeared there was these people

use me they were having a picnic

they had funny signs on the trees

first things first keep it simple

think think think

and I yelled one of many came to the shore and he called me my name

he said demi dropped the anvil

and I said but it's been in the family for years he said that's okay

drop the anvil

they told me how to put one hand in front of the other kick my feet and get to shore and they wrapped me in a blanket and they love me ever since

and I believe if I keep doing what I'm doing I don't ever have to swim back out there and pick up that anvil again and that's what my life was like the details the details sometimes separate separate us the miracle in the truth of it I think brings us together

first time many of you myself included the first time I read bill story

totally fell out of it I don't fit I've never been married I'm not a stockbroker and I've never been to war

how my gonna identify and somebody gave me one simple simple tool

and all of a sudden I was relating to three force that I've seen women do this exercise and mark more that they can relate to than I did because all they said to me was put aside the differences whether it's in a meeting or reading a story or listening to another member put aside the differences and look for the similarities and look at how he felt

and look at how he thought and look at how he drank

and my god all of a sudden given the right question I'm identifying

you know where my drinking took me is not important

because I went to ten treatment centers doesn't make me any more alcoholic than you

I've known men and women who never went to treatment just as alcoholic as aria

that's not what makes me alcoholic

where my drinking took me a lot of hard drinkers and I've known hard drinkers who've been to treatment a lot more than I have they're just people that can start when they want stop when they want get a little help our book even says that a hard drinker might need medical attention you might find it hard alcohol might kill him way before his time and sometimes we miss the real alcoholics when we're looking at drama

or where they're drinking took them and we also hurt people when we look at those things because hard drinkers can have a much worse drunk longer than you do or I do

but all they needed was a sufficiently strong reason and they can stop

I grew up in battle creek Michigan

by the time I was twelve years old battle creek was a little small for me for my ego

and because I had had a spiritual awakening

not as a result of the steps but as a result of what treats it for me

before I took my first drink I was a withdrawn quiet lonely out of place kid that was just spoiled

given everything I ever wanted my grandfather was vice president post cereal my dad I never knew my grandfather when I was born my dad was sixty

and by the time I was ten he was seventy years old and I was convinced that's why was alcohol when I came to you

you know we hear a lot about our in California I haven't heard it out here a lot but you hear a lot of I'm sure you have heard about the yes

you know I haven't done that yet I haven't done that yet I didn't have a lot of you gets when I got here but there's something else that goes on and it can't be just in my mind I'm no longer unique

I believe this goes on in my mind it probably goes on in most alcoholic mines and my little thing that we don't hear a lot about it was the if only's and you make your little a phony story and if only Daddy hadn't been that old when I was born and if only I hadn't gone to that school in Webster Massachusetts when I was twelve thirteen twelve thirteen years old if only I hadn't hung out with those guys

you know and you I heard Robert here your little if only stories when I got here

and sometimes you said you were alcoholic because you were abused or molested or black or poor

but I had to have my own little if only store

and of course mine was different than a lot of peoples and I would think things like well my dad was an alcoholic but maybe if he would have been I would learn my lesson and I wouldn't it turned out the way I did and if he wasn't sixty when I was born maybe if he would have been young but see the if only story that we would have made me whole always has to do with stuff out here

you know and then I heard one day an Alcoholics Anonymous somebody told my little if only store

and they turned out just as sick inside

you know and I think if I really look at it have I really discovered that much truth in the last twenty years or have I discovered lie after lie after lie it's like it's like wasting time trying to figure out god's will when most of the time you're finding out what it's not to get closer to what it is you know I can't tell you a lie after lie I can I can tell you about

I can tell you about lies I discovered in this year's inventory

you know I mean

all kinds of stuff mmhm and I was this quiet withdrawn

I look at my sister my sister was the closest in age she's five years older two brothers are off to college already by the time I was young

and my sister would get mad at my dad and yell and scream and say what you wanted and they'd work it out the next day everything would be alright and he'd say the same kind of stuff to me and I would just take it in

I remember my mother screaming at me sometimes saying one should say she would take my side against her husband

time after time after time and it just breaks your heart

we should say wants you to stand up for yourself they were and I and I wanted to be able to say I can't

but I was consumed with the question that is still consuming a lot of people in this room that I think it begins in what we share with them and that question was way before I ever took a drink what's wrong with me what's wrong with me how come she can do it and I can't how come all these people are telling me you have so much potential and I don't you know

you know if somebody would have said to me the needed powers and their lack of powers your dilemma it wouldn't be it would not done any good because a couple years later I found something that gave me power

you listen to a real alcoholic or real addict and and listen to them talk about the first time whatever their deal is that treats it treats the spiritual malady the first time they recognized that it worked they're not going to just describe some wimpy experience because some other people were doing it or look like fun they like to party and they still like to party they're going to describe something similar to a spiritual awakening

you know I felt whole the first time at work

I could dance with those little girls across the gymnasium in the in it in elementary you know and what in school I could say what I want to my dad I felt and if you really look at it and I found this not too long ago my first spiritual awakening when alcohol started to work is very similar to my last purchase my let my first spiritual awakening when alcohol quit working

my last day my last day drunk is very similar to my first day drunk

one feels a little better when you wake up and starts working but isn't it interesting that's like waking up you think it's like the light this really turns out to be the dark and then the one that's uncomfortable you think you're going to die that awakening is really into the light but it feels like the dark

my misconceptions through my life and through my sobriety based on an age old belief that I brought here to Alcoholics Anonymous has damn near killed me drunk and sober in the belief is if it feels good

it's good it's of god and if it feels bad it's bad and it's evil

right and look at the number of times that before you get free whether it's in therapy the steps the first step

alcohol sponsors

look at how uncomfortable it is just before you get free

Gaza call me all the time I'm starting the work on saying this prayer for an open mind and a new experience or a riding inventory and I'm feeling miserable and I say great if you weren't I would be worried

you know you give somebody that prayer and have been the first step for a while and they come over and everything's rosy and they're feeling really great that's time to worry right

guy asked me once in the middle of the fifth step when there was no connection to it I wasn't feeling nothing with it he looked right at me and he said I'm reading some stuff to

he said to me do you care about any of this

and I realized how disconnected I can get from truth trying to avoid anything that makes me uncomfortable

we got people in our program on hills we got people in our program avoiding the truth

getting so good at ten eleven you avoid anything that's going on feeling anything because if it feels bad it's bad so my mice my recovery begins a desperate search for comfort

and your religious dominated by discomfort it's discomfort dragging you around

it took me some time and surprised to see that

but I'll tell you at age twelve when I took a drink I woke up we stole some Chivas regal from my dad's liquor cabinet I like to say I start at the top and slowly worked my way down you know and from that night Chivas regal still one of those one of those liquors that if I even smell it my stomach goes wrong you know just from one night of shelves read

you know I don't need many nights to blow something out

that includes women money many many things I don't need much time to blow it out

you know what my heart was touched when Chris talked about being able to have an impact on a rumor some people that I've never met because I know what it's like to have an impact on people that I've never met from a long distance that hurt them terribly hurting

you know and the idea that can be changed around to me the idea that I would even be invited some more from where I come from is amazing

my sponsor told me don't look for the miracles and big bangs and burning bushes you've had enough of those you did enough Ellis do you did enough masculine you did not pay already I don't need any bit I don't need any more big bones what I need is to be able to see the miracle in you and little things you know the first American to blow me away I was invited home for Christmas

and I had not been invited home for many years

you know that's why you got to know a little bit about where people come from

there's a guy in my home group I talk about a lot of names timings from Brighton beach New York got sober under the Brighton beach boardwalk at one time burned a part of that boardwalk down when he was drunk and he lives out of a shopping cart and he'd been a millionaire couple times he can't get home six blocks away to his wife and his kids

and he was given this gift he lives in Santa Monica now and let's say that maybe tonight he got up as a visitor and read something from the book most of you would say what's the big deal you know he's just reading how it works or whatever most well traditions or whatever and what's the big deal you take it for granted but if you knew you would know that high means never been able to read or write and now he gets up at our home group and he reads how it works the other night at our Christmas party

I also had a great feeling in this room because it looks a lot like the room my home group started in fifteen years ago and

twenty four of us had started a workshop in the basement

and fifteen of us finished and we were on a man's and we were wondering what to do and one guy said well why don't we start a meeting focused on where we're at steps ten eleven and twelve

and we started in the basement of that church in little kindergarten chairs right where we belong

I was six years sober I just moved to Los Angeles and

got the stories I could tell you about that group what those people have gone

I like the guys who will bad mouth the group in other parts of Los Angeles and then hit the wall or drink or one of their sponsors they've tried everything with drinks again and the second of our group you know and they walk in and I think to myself yeah mmhm you had a lot to say about this group until you really need to do some in Alcoholics Anonymous and I understand that's me six months sober and you know the best thing I I the best description I've ever heard put of that day

that day that day when you're done with step zero

have any of you ever heard of step zero I think some of you have step zero is that time between

this comes from a group in south central LA I'd love to say that I made it up or my home group made it up but this comes from a group or they're talking about life and death on a daily basis and their meetings are just not close with people sitting there smiling at you they will testify they'll tell you even the heart amen and if they don't like your note

that's what I like about new Yorkers compared to most people from Los Angeles is usually with most new Yorkers there is no question about where they stand up front Jenny one in Los Angeles they'll smile in your face they're cool and laid back and then blow somebody away on the highway for cutting him off and talk behind your back

that's just the way it is it's more character call the west coast the comfortable coast it's all about comfort image fantasy

my god I lived there for ten years in Los Angeles the whole city is founded on creating illusion and fantasy

this group in south central talks about step zero

and step zero is that period of time between your last drink and when you submit yourself to the recovery process in our program and they call it zero because it's round and round and round eliminating all the alternatives you can come up with to get down to the last to die an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis that's why your instep zero

I was in step zero for six months in this program and I had some options to eliminate because I had re written the first step

I thought that little dash in there meant to fill in the blank

and the the the way I want to fill it in was like this yes I admit that I'm powerless over alcohol and drugs and that's why my life has become unmanageable so now that I'm not drinking or using anymore everything should be just hunky dory and I had the alternative of sobriety to eliminate as an alternative just not drinking

thank god I met my great grand sponsor Paul Martin from Chicago who says going to meetings and not drinking does not treat alcoholism as matter of fact it usually

brings it to the surface

and thank god there were people around me in Denver where I got sober I was given this gift the talked about alcoholism and talked about the stuff that I was left with further away from my last drink than I'd ever been the stuff I've been pouring alcohol on for eighteen years

so I took a drink at age twelve and I woke up and they don't know what to do with me about creek Michigan my dad's seventy two and my mom is forty two

I'll tell you this in therapy here's how we look at things in Alcoholics Anonymous different

in therapy he was always back to what is that your route whatever it is your main thing your oldest reserve your all your biggest issue whatever they want to call it they would always go back to mine and of course it was always toward my father

and in therapy his age when I was born and and as I grew up

cause me a tremendous amount of pain but you know what the realization of his age gives me now on the other side of a man's at his grave it gives me a tremendous amount of hope for my future

because I'd like to be doing what my father was doing when I'm set seventy years old right

you can tell the ratio of new people to the people that have been around for a while with that one right

there's a tremendous amount of hope when you get freedom on the other side of stuff that you hated

hope from getting free of hate

so they didn't know what to do with me god bless him I I wouldn't want to raise me when I was twelve years old if I was my father my god it worked his whole life it was time for him to travel and have some fun

and my mother my god from her background she just didn't know what to do

but that's the sad thing is when their question finally matches your question but you found a solution they start saying what's wrong with you when you finally found something that's right with you

yeah what I mean was something really starts to happen for you you found some power you've got a solution drugs and alcohol or working they start to say what's wrong with you when you finally found something that feels better good right so their question change what's wrong with you

and what can you say what's wrong with you when you finally found something that's wrong that's right with you

and I'd look at him I'd give my old answer that I can't say anymore since I got sober three hardest words for me to say in

I don't know

that's easy to say back then that's hard to say when you're sober

some people say when you ask him it's always an indicator that they might not really be alcoholic when you say what's the three hardest words for an alcoholic to stand along America's safe I love you

boy

a couple drinks I'll tell anybody in the world I love

I can sit between a Republican a Democrat and convince both of them that I love them right in the right bar on the right night

it's hard to say I don't know when you've been around for a while because we're expected to know right and sometimes you just don't boy there's great freedom in that after a period of time in this program I don't know what do you think I would hate when down to do that much for my sponsor would do that he still has a giggle that drives me crazy

he's still a sponsor when I want to call in to talk about when you guys he won't

I hate that I want to call and talk about some of her so I found the solution at an early age they sent me off to private school

I have a great connection to the

to the east coast

night's tenth eleventh grade in Webster mass near the Connecticut border near Putnam Connecticut

and in twelfth grade they found it necessary to throw me out my second week of my senior year because I didn't know I didn't understand just because I had six pounds of marijuana in my room it didn't make sense to me why they would throw me out and they did and this was a school that my parents thought was an upstanding prep school and I guess it was I guess they had some sort of reputation but

in my favor it was a school used by Richard Alpert and Timothy Leary at Harvard as if where they sent one of their chemists to make LSD and he taught chemistry there and made about fifty thousand hits of LSD every every month and there I was in I went from Boone's farm apple wine on weekends with friends in battle creek Michigan to LSD twenty five in a six month period and down in the Boston common that's a bit of a culture shock and a shift in consciousness like like I loved because I desperately needed I desperately needed a solution

alcohol and drugs were not my problem you'll find that out when you look at if they worked or not and you'll find out that when the next when they when they're out of the picture and the problem is still there

thank god for alcohol and drugs thank god for every drop I ever drink

don't hate alcohol it was our friend it brought you to a spiritual awakening brought you to a state of grace thank god for resentment thank god for fear

make friends with your internal enemies so they'll be your enemies make friends with them they don't have any power anymore and you can say thank god Mr resentment you brought me back to god again tonight

thank god Mister fear he brought him back to god again

you brought me closer to you and a lot of the stuff I thought used to block me from god and a lot of the stuff I used to thought brought me closer to god is really the opposite

a lot of the stuff that I used to think blocks me is what brings me closer and a lot of the stuff I used to think brought me closer so what would be some of the things that you think bring it closer to god but it's really taking it further away

self esteem

complications

the greatest way to miss the miracles in your life is to take the credit and turn him into accomplishments you'll miss most of the miracles in your life

and what are the things so what are some of the things that can bring me closer to god that I thought were bad

resentment

fear

alcohol mmhm

another thing that'll keep you from finding god you think is really cool is conception

ideas

words about god

it's a great block to consciousness I am much more interested in consciousness than I and conception anymore because any idea about god isn't

I believe that any idea about god is not god because once you put an idea on it you just put it in a box in the limited we're promised a conscious contact

like in your consciousness not in not in your ideas

and I found the consciousness of the presence of alcohol brought about every promise in our big book except one set of promises that aren't talked about that much you go home tonight if you're new and you have never seen this you go home tonight and put before every one of those nine step promises the ones that say you'll be amazed before you're halfway through men's and put before each of those promises when alcohol was working