Steps 6, 7, 8 and 9 at the Carry This Message group

right now like to introduce our guest speaker for the month of August speaking on that five six six seven eight and nine hi Dennis from

my name is Dennis Robbins and I'm an alcoholic

glad to be back here again this week

sorry we had a problem with the bathrooms because I get a chance to use it

so my start tearing up in Astoria screens between my legs that means I have to go to the bathroom

the good thing about the good

the good thing about it is that I've always been pretty much like a camel I can hold it you know and

I try to hold it as best as I can

so we

you know

yeah I am what might the note I really enjoyed listening to him and

I want him to know that I identify with them

you know Kathy pretty much much more to tell me the same thing I I was

one day I came in I yeah I was playing this Sunday but my wife she would get well fast enough

you know what was the matter with her

sente said you know I've talked to your wife and then widow

I have observed the

and

you're going to eighty B. like your wife

I said well that's awful nice was positively you know but basically he's absolutely right she's a good stable

person in my life and I needed somebody stable because ours unstable for many many years and I can be unstable and sobriety

you know yeah get a much time you have here you know they can be those days when we just get locked up in self and

and self creates problems in in I know because I had that happens to me sometimes you know the greatest thing that I can I can say today is that

looking back from the day I die here up into this moment

my whole life was in chaos every day was the winning side

I was angry onlooker angry at everybody

now just once in awhile

you know so that's that's tremendous improvement I mean you know when you look at it from the standpoint of of where I was to where I am today

so when they get angry every once in awhile solidify long as I don't drink along with that a let that resentment and anger take me take me back out there but I have to my experience in a I've learned that those things that do come back which is self

and I said it before and I'll say it again self induced drama

that's exactly what it is

that when I bring it back the old person comes back

he personally go with anxiety chaos confusion comes right back

and I have to

talk to another alcoholic I got his somebody would have to ask god to remove it

and the

craziest thing or maybe not the funniest thing but he doesn't remove it when I want to

he removes it

when he's ready

you know

I guess I'm glad to be back up again and I don't know if I can go now one four steps but I got to make I don't believe a ram but I'm gonna

try to cover it the wait was taught to me and how I was taught to be restored at a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous

you know it's that one the we've met with powerless

what I had to find out I had to get that power

I learned about the disease concept in the doctor's opinion

why I changed the way I did add a physical allergy

is a compulsion mineralization

I had come to believe that that power grid we could resolve this and yet as I did that as I begin to clear up I began to see the rooms people get so

and then they had to make that decision term I will my life of the to give guidance on the still

and that decision would be followed by action

take a look at me and then step for making this searching fearless moral inventory

in a twelve and twelve A. talked about those basic instincts that we have been down what I found is that all those instincts were income inclusion collision with other people's instincts and I hope people

you don't want to things I can remember when I was drinking nobody ever talked about inventories on nobody ever talked about looking at yourself do you know

but you know I've been sick I've been hacked the schools and and and been to training in corporate training it but nobody ever said taking a retort of yourself until I came out

any step five you know it talks about

walking through that part you know share with

ourselves and to guide ourselves another human being the exact nature of our wrongs or defects

those things about is that we found out is that for you know the whole thing from the time I was coming up as I look back in retrospect what things about me treated me the way I

what was it what was the cause me to be what I was

you know the alarming thing is I don't think anything was wrong with me except that I drank

that that that's what you don't frighten me because all my life I'm out there

I'm living in delusional thought

totally delusion Intel I come in here and do do do this do this incredible book here and do a great sponsor

who always told me looking just as I'm about what this over maybe

forty five days maybe sixty days and I was complaining that I was a I was a chronic complainer

you know and

my sponsor told me set my never again he said

he said the problem starts and ends with you

that I went right over my head

right above my head because I told I said no you don't understand

and he said he was that person who would say nothing give Justin a look at you and let you read read go go through which you had to go through

because now I understand what he meant by the problem's going into it you

that's four steps and share that with him and his staff

I come to find out it all starts with me nobody can make me feel

you know I was a chronic blame I don't know if anybody identifies with that but the chronic blade you know it was and when I found out to the eagle

will do things to address itself

I went was wrong

the thing is the key away from itself

and that's pretty much the way I want my whole life not just drinking that was when I was born yeah I was waiting for the from from the time I can stop restarted thinkin I want what I want when I want and you know all this is I don't know what his base probably is because I was afraid that something was going to happen I wanted to accept it and that's just the way it was but instead of five to admit these things to my sponsor

you know then after going home and doing it the proposed factor Paul's

it says that we says that prayer

thank god they would get to know you better thank god that we know you better know we walked our trees

because all that crap

all that stuff that I never knew but is now go

is now going at that point they'll brings this now at that point if I really haven't had stolen anything from five that all the keys in the visor dot all the I's and crossed all the keys and got everything out

then I'm ready I'm ready to step six

being in tally ready they have got remove all these defects the character that I

now you know I have a problem

I'm never entirely ready

you know this this sometimes when it to be honest with you

those defects detected I really want god to take away right away all those defects that caused me to pick between

resentment anger

you know things that can really churning hit me so insane and crazy that I think the only solution is to pick a jury

those are things I really want got it right away

which you know one of things that I I got to really look at is the sudden the defects of character subtle ones you know like in the

you know and jealousy you know and

you know those things those things about me that thank you sneak through the back door you know I mean they they just they just come right through the back door and they got me and I'm acting out because you know they give you an example

I was

osoba because of a few years and

I've been to the steps because I got right into service right away my spots took me right to dispatch and got me activate service immediately

and

you know said I woke up one day you know how we wake up you know we wake up and only see what we want to see

and then I started looking around the city to me I'm sober

I will not get promoted

remember how come what may I do remotely

I swear to make you know there's something wrong here not now right away

jealousy started kicking in because I saw a guy come into my data center stay there for a few months and building are promoted with wrestling it was like it was that was like with the warehousing promotions in my center and

L. Y. can come into your promoter of sickness in

what they have you know I'm a college graduate you know

so when you know and and and they have you know how come and I got caught

I got caught up in that with the most possible any said well

you know you you have a real short memory don't you

and I said yeah and he said well

you know if you just remember because a couple years ago about the fire you but

the about the fine

it was only to grace

that your job was safe

because you wouldn't know that the help was S. forty

and here you are

complaining

I usually have to have a job which is what you know F. as an alcoholic okay

you know what I want to see is what I want to see when I wanna see it and you're supposed to be doing it for me now because don't you know who I am

well this got hold of me like you would never believe and

my response is very very quietly and suggestively said

it'll happen when it's supposed to happen

not before and not after that it will happen is supposed to happen in the

of course you know me I'm

you don't know what he's talking about

you know down he was absolutely right that everything happens

the way supposed to happen

when it's supposed to happen and that's the way I view it and it took me a long time in eighty get home and accounts

to me a long time

you know we look at those things and

with the coming tally ray they have got a little these defects of character well when I'm in pain I want to go

all right guy come and get it right now stuck here you know what I mean and he just doesn't do it right there for me

it doesn't look like that for me that's me thus the staff in the full little bit you know what I mean but what I do know is that

if I ask him in step seven and the seven step career is my creative now when that you that you have

yeah I mean I would imagine on both the good and the bad the bridge is not removed from me every single defect of character

that prevents my use of this to you and to my fellow elves grant me strength is not going to do your bidding

now I see it earnestly

the day right after I say that I get back in the way again

yeah yeah you see I'm on the beach really see I'm not going to tell you that I can gather like that because I don't

you know now one of the things that I do know is that

god has removed

but when he remove something there's a vacuum left

now if I put me back in the back you then the problem is right still there

but if I allow my change in my behavior to take place

you know if it I haven't I haven't been you know

I'm not

yeah like I can memorize everything because I can't

if I've been there if I've been dishonest

well then

I need to be honest

if I'd been frightened by something that I need to do the opposite of being frightened I need to summon courage

if I wasn't considered to somebody

and I know today when I'm right when I'm wrong I can't drive myself I know the truth today

I have to be considered if I replace bad with bad then bad is going to continue to happen

it is a guy heard Albion California lost once he kind of said you know you can't think your way into right live in

you have to live your way into right thank

if my thinking the screwed up

then I'm gonna exclude

in my thinking is right

they're not if I'm living right them I think it's going to be right

yeah that makes sense we follow terminate it took me a long time to get a lot of these concepts me a long time but you know I haven't some days and some days I just don't get it and that's why I need you

that's where I need you at twenty guys I sponsor that's why I need my sponsor that's when the people when I called him to tell me your offer Denters

and I I've I've learned today it is alright for me to be or you know go back to my guy right here in the city of Afrin it also will was nine years ago she was I'm not supposed to feel this way let me tell you about me

oh god I was delusional a full on time you know and

I remember

stay in the big book with my sponsor damn them memorized to overthrow

I read every a legend to hands on you name it I read and then I started reading books that the actual group rate the sermon on the mount

Emmet fox good series and then I will go to my son's house I was he may give me a book on yoga

given a book on sand and I read the Bible all the way through from from

from genesis genesis two X. if that doesn't revel in genesis to revelations in a new chapter from Baptist rally I studied

now what I was going to do is I was going to human knowledge I was gonna bring all this power it

and then I was going to walk around like going to see I was going to be

why it is not

then maybe I have all right come around my his

and this is what I thought yeah I thought I could educate myself

into this this thing here and what what I found out is that that was good knowledge

was there really is a gift

it's a gift

now if it wasn't a gift the ninety three north

do not turn on the switch which

but let me give you another prime example of serenity

now if god came to me right now said to me he said look

I'm going to give you serenity but I will give you a little meter

and now you can too when it

anywhere you want now you really have enough but here's a dial that you can tune it

as to how you like it

well

I'll probably break it down

I wouldn't eat it if it's already is good here

let me see how much better it is to buy movie three quarters of the distance and it and if if I get there I'm not Spanish but I'm moving all the way around and I will break the now you see that's that's the kind of person I

as credible camper salmon you know when I'm when I'm prideful I need to look for humility

you know when I'm last fall I need to I need to go see if I can help somebody

the company in a in a chapter one and in return on six new coming when it when I'm being overwhelmed by lust and sex I need to go work with some back get my mind off the deck and stuff you know and

when a patient a different patient and tolerant I need to find out I need to replace those things I'm asking god to take away by action

back

because he'll take it away if I ask him I know he will I'm a big believer in prayer my god I I'm his result

I gave him my number here is up I know I know it works

what he will do for me what I can do for myself

you know and if I'm willing to replace that negative behavior with positive he would add negative thought with a positive action

I can generally find my way out of that morass of it at

mud hole that I'm in a lot quicker

I recently

this

what lasts eight months ago

maybe a little longer about a year ago

I got moved from one department to another

I was I was

a systems engineer I got moved from

maintaining about two and a whole new group

and what happened was

my my my my direct them

director used to entitle me to work from home two days a week

and

he's a say what only come in if you need to

I don't know what my god like work on this job done ninety

because I will have to I'll have to go to New York every day I can work from home on my computer I mean it was just I couldn't believe I was that way for three years

I he's a man you should pray every day because you got it may I never see anybody is good you know everything you know and I had a good

for me

that whenever there's a problem I have to run a new package is going to come with the doing the best they would get all street now I had it made

in December two thousand

I was transferred to another director

and he was like a micro manager

now I went from an empowering managing director and to let you do what you want to do all the numbers are right long as everything was good

he didn't have you to show up just long as bait he didn't hear anything and I made it so that no calls went to him

no calls with them I told me I please go director call me scream at me but don't call him

because I don't want to blow it is we think I got hit

so I go to a new I go to a new director

isn't that you use the same guy

but

he was a micro manager

so right away he says okay because you have a responsibility there's no more working from home well right away

right away also but also for seventeen years

right away is the reason

we don't you know it doesn't really work

if you don't you don't not I was trying to grab the other the company long and it went all these things are coming up in the company longer than him I know more than you know who is the thing he's talking to

all this and and let me tell you something about having an honest

hello on that at

much

I used to I you know I you know I'm very active and I called him I do prison worker to prison breaks on Fridays and Tuesdays that go to detox is a very active in this program

the only time I had a symbol of peace when I was working in an alcoholic

but as soon as I walk out of this situation and it would hit me right away because

he wasn't doing well when I want him to do

and you know the bottom line is

that

that grab me so much better that it started making me sick

you know because I was so caught up in self

I am not satisfied me that I really went out of my mind right here innate

because he wasn't doing what I want him to do and you know what he was just as good as ours

you know because then he would get me converse because early in the morning and late at night and there will be problems he would call me from Pennsylvania are you going up there to check it no other man hours is stolen and my wife would say mean you that not many drive you crazy and now he was in drive me crazy I was tracked me crazy

I was drive me crazy based on it based on the knowledge that he had

he wasn't doing what I want him to do for me

and here is the is the grave I'm not not a step not yet but

what I did retire in April I had to go to him for the

the the what when you leave you gotta go to exit interview and that you know you benefits and all that and we set up in Tolkien okay that way was a gentleman

he was a real gentleman

you know and then I knew Dennis with almost twenty years

he was like me you know and it was it was a real gentleman academic services you know there's something wrong with me because there was nothing wrong with him

he just wasn't doing what I want him to do and all I want you to know is that

that could happen to me anytime

that in itself get back in and I only see things from the way I want to see it that's the way it's supposed to be C. you know it tells us in the biggest of whopping if he if he's not possible as a result many

he's paying me or the companies pay me to do it

you know but it's that self inflicted that self will

it's that bad that basic nature that I have that just read bills against people who don't do it the way I want to do it

you know and I don't I did was make myself sick he didn't make me sick I made myself sick thank god somewhere along the line

we were not at all but it's not pretty but it's got

page five fifty one a brave him constantly

but it wasn't his problem it was not

thank god I'm able to see that today able to see that today you know so

god doesn't god takes takes away but we have to replace it

the positive action positive being here

we live in right now thinking will become right again

you know self well like I read the big book and as you heard on joints Allstate self will connect yourself will

only when they can queue itself will this guy

and I have to avail myself to women if I'm in a way with that anger in a moment away with that resentment if I'm in a way which

don't you know who I am

it really is not going to come until I give that up

and sometimes I like to hold on to it because it makes me feel good I don't know if you identify with that but sometimes I think that you know it is for me it's something that you used to have years and years ago so it's kind of like a familiar feeling but when he kissed her too bad I want to go on right away

and it doesn't work like that should be all the time

it comes and goes when I take the positive action thank god does remove it in his time when he wants to he will enable me to see the the truth of the matter when I write myself with

the

is that they

I made a list of all of course we are high on the cable to make amends the mall

and I got home and a lot of people

majority of my got off my resentment list

a lot of my get off my sexual behavior list

I don't remember ever getting any them off my my fearless I don't believe anybody harm me made me fear due to that degree

but we make a list of all people person with heart became willing to make amends to the mall and you don't want to things that I found not only in step step eight

but instead of six you know if I was unable to

to someone

that from god to be in tally reading

I can ask him to help me to be willing to be ready

I really believe that just to pray for willingness is a is a great thing if

I can't do it at all just Askin willingness

you know how may be willing to be willing to be willing to let go of whatever it is sometimes I have to be honest with you I'm not capable

but as long as I get the willingness

the following actions will bring what we'll start to begin to happen you know I'll begin to to work my way out of that you know and

really thank the steps on

so like I say mothers mothers who is very very long and

I had I didn't have any problem with anybody on my list

I was on it

my father was on

irises on

hi my former landlord

he was a lot of people it was a long list of a lot of people that harm and you know when you have to step you can look back and you know what you've done if you when you get this W. you know the truth about you Hey you know you know you can't believe that you sell you know one of things I do want to things that I'm very thankful that response it was straight up who flat out tell you this is what you do here's how you do it

and that's it if you want to get what she wanted things that I would do is I want to get well

I want to get better

you know like I told you the admin obsession was taken from me to the grace of a guy that comes on the stand he

but I was left with Dennis I was left with a sickness and I just want to get what there's a lot of pain when I got the right guy to block it only thing I would ask my spices what's next and then what step two when we do a three in what would this do for that I just want to get better

so when it came to doing the steps I didn't hesitate

you know and he told me just what to do with stepping

and you know all that step elite really is me to make this an old person at home and like I said I got that off my resentment list that got off my sexual behavior list a lot of people a lot of people

that's that doesn't mean that I have to do it right now

this step only means that I have to be willing to do it

when the occasion fix itself and I can tell you now

for me and I can't talk to anybody else he

that every amends in the nights that made direct amends such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others it's been my experience

that I didn't have to go out and look for people to make amends

eight I can't describe it

but it just seems like the right situation always presented itself for me

now because

you know those demands when we first come in I'll call him out of this you know we first you know get sober

right away we want to tell anybody

we're sorry

and I was I did the same things over right to my own father owns open now and you know they looked at me and I can I can look and that's what they did they look

I went to my wife and told I was sober she said that's nice but you're not staying here

that's the way it was with me in the beginning you know

but you know my my sponsor tell me said you know the greatest demands that you can make anybody right now if you knew

is don't drink

he said then you make so many people have you won't believe it the fact that you're not drinking

we'll make a lot of people happy and I I held on to

and I realize why this step in step nine

I realize why the men's process really takes place step nine

because I'm able to see me

I'm able to see my part in every situation

you know when you get to the step it's a step that kind of takes you away from way from remorse

and guilt

because of all that you know and I I was listening to John Charlie and you know it wanted things they say really really struck me

I mean really great it says the first three steps step one two three take your spiritual

four five six and seven take care of the mine

the met

the steps eight nine we take care of physical relationships we write ourselves all three dimensions of this program spiritual mental and physical

the steps eight nine extension nine like I said

I'm gonna take a bus terminals in the hands

because they were very critical in my life and that they had a came about

how situations present themselves and I'd have to go out looking

I was sober a little bit over two years now called synonymous

and my wife's mother call me and

no my wife my ex wife called me she told me that

nephew with past away and I Newman Newman says you lose the baby

and at that point

I was talking to hide in that I talked to a mother and I remember

her mother telling me in a motel I had to get right with with myself and

no because they break that marriage is not very slow Snapple

because I'm able to the steps to take a look at my behavior and see the truth in a real matter

I remember her telling me you almost because my daughter nerves bring

hello great again it never hurt nobody like that ever again

you know she added think I was hurt nobody when I was at the drinking

I don't think I was bothered by you know long as Audrey how could it affect you

well I began to see how it could affect you

you don't know where

maybe worry

you know a lot of things you know I mean you know you know I'm very to use is supposed to be disposed we can check the companionship do you suppose the relationship you dispose the a binding loving god simulation yeah

I don't think there's anything wrong with me being out in the streets

not

you know so I remember mama tell me even though I'd marry somebody else

he says you know you're welcome back into our home

back of the room New York and I like to see you again

how to all our office Alcoholics Anonymous B. into

being up front

expressing my problem in a matter of what I call us

and he ran back to room the gift of wisdom and

that's something when you've done that damage

and yet they see you come please come back up in in in his our adult ocolc snobs and healing guide

they have come to find any heals everything

the present wife and put it to ten years of living hell

and

and then when I came back and she's going to tell me what I don't care about you may you gotta go back after eleven half months

she came back in my life I had not to do it

absolutely nothing to do with I didn't drink I went to meetings after work one of our colleagues

MMI spina said you're not here to get you right back here to get sober welcome back fine if not you just move on

well

I think what he said eleven after she came back

then I began to make amends the half

how I miss street is that

it was wrong of me to never be whole

you know I'm sorry don't get it I have to express the wrong that I've done in the mail

and

you know she didn't say anything

he just looked at me

but my behavior over the years from that point on is the immense because I haven't left the

I have been going out stay days weeks at a time

this food now the house the mortgage is getting paid

so my behavior has changed so the men's process taking place

with my twenty five year old son he was maybe four years old when I was going crazy

and probably many ninety so as mother sitting there crying

and then when I came out because sometimes they say to my sponsor when is he going to get better

well the fact of the matter is

if my father had cheated my mother way I treated his mother I would like me

so much bye said you have to allow him you have to learn to get better but I have made amends to when I told I said you know was wrong of me to leave you not to be the baseball game

even one time he's playing little league ball the ball him and I cracked his iPhone I was in there

the coaches had to

hold them steady intellect that back

I wasn't even there for my boy and I had to take that idiot operations he is he good today is the state mended the socket may that is I. straight now but I was in there

yeah I got a member that

so it's gonna take a long time for him to you maybe you know what today twenty five and today would look pretty good friends

you know it without

with the IRS so about a year and a half an hour because not

and I just bought me a brand new nineteen eighty five cavalier

in the IRS sent me this letter

come down we want to see you

you know so I say well also when I co sent him to go and then I went over to the St brook

I walked in there

and the lady said

you haven't paid any income tax in five years

she started rambling they've gone crazy on the issues that we're going to put a lien against you and you're not going to get I got a brand

I got up and ran out of the police woman scared me half to death

I call my sponsor

and he said one thing to be

he said give it to god

they give the guy a Senate member already go to jail

what he meant was

change your behavior

get honest

so I went down the church one hundred church Avenue one hundred church have right down by the trees and the grass with another Irish bill Lewis and I wanted to go back to to the street

right

in a week so they bear with that I went down to

two out one hundred cherry street I went in there