Steps 3, 4 and 5 at the Carry This Message group

three four five

and unlike other collective bargaining

my name is Dennis Robbins and I'm an alcoholic

and no worries alright to get my name out

times I wish my wife got into

because he called me all kind of names in a lot of Dennis

again I wanna

thank you Lou fant me out here and

I just get a play here my expressed hope

I think what it does it helps me to remember

what it was like to me you know and I think you know if anybody

do the steps

we try to do that this can be a special group of Alcoholics Anonymous

and like I said I believe that's the best movement across nine

the service group

press Brady dated September twenty seven nineteen eighty four

and to the grace of a loving god and I can only say it that way

that I'm here by grace

I'm here to the advent of program

and here because a power greater than me that use of organized they had mercy

the yeah that that help when I was a self induced to help

last week we talked about that one can you talk about the imbalance

what I found out in a doctor's opinion

I found out about my disease at a manifestation of analogy

the physical compulsion the number of sessions

I knew I was powerless identified in bill's story the solution

worn out

and we've noticed

analysts do you know what a great sponsor who stepped me through and showed me why I was powerless

what I did was I like power

what I never knew is that I couldn't stop myself

tell us in the morning when I came to an existing one anymore

the seven Grateful Dead albums what was left with me at that moment was landed in step two

the company we can't include a power grid also can restore sanity and down

kind of a step of

open mindedness the

gnostics my whole

hi power Baghdad change Jack was told to get rid of all of my own ideas about and

we'll have to do is for the new idea must want to form a new idea about god and I did because for whatever that Powell was

to lift me up a hill and I was

to the take away the obsession to drink

and all the things that I had done up until that point

this guy had to love me

so I created a loving

let me you know and so I came I came to when I came to believe

no the parkway to myself could compound greatness because he still has a standing

you know does it two steps at its just acceptance steps and those are things that I just accepted the discounts that I just accept it you know that I wasn't drunk

I couldn't pick up the first during

and then I came to believe because of that event that happened to me and I really believe that I thoroughly had stepped to

when I can distinguish the lie that goes off in my brain when

here for his drink is okay that's a lie

that's a lot if it's not if I don't feel like going to a meeting today thanks a lot

those are the last ones to Mrs if you drink if you drink every day

and

how does this policy within that they miss it because I would be so much like him because I believe

he not only live the C. corporation the steps in his life and I want to be just like him and what he did in effect was guided me through the door

so we get to the third step

right after chapter five it says

we are convinced at this point west at step three

convinced of the past two tenants that have come to accept in your reading of the steps to see if you have got to this point to look away

well at that point I did because my spot to help me out a lot

in all my life to look outside myself again hi guys I had this picture of him with the No Hey Lois you know when the lightning and splashes on it what I found that the the ratings out of me

but what it was that there was so much garbage piled up in me

over the years that that guy can never come through

you know so when he talks in that in that in that in that in that step about

Hana self will

very well

I've been totally absorbed with me all my life you know I

I want what I want when I want it from the time I first began to think

you know I always do what I wanted to do when I want and if it didn't happen my way right away I lashed out

because what I learned in the twelve and twelve about the basic instincts

the basic instinct that make up so much positive you know there's a lot of things you know in you

that you need to see

thirty seven twelve tell me what it doesn't describe the socialist my ability to get along with people

the security incident money jobs the the things that that that I would feel the feel secure with and dissected thank

you know and that's always been

of course you know so you know basically you know it says the knowledge is that self will ran right

and that's what it did in my life

I don't care about anybody when I was drinking

who's being left on that not not in the house and it was not getting paid like to get out

all I was concerned about was what I could get

what I found out that

my reaction to people who is always based on self

you know and how

you know

it was seen as a whenever you is this something to me I would react negatively I can never react positively always reacted negatively because I thought

who are the things that much more to me don't you

you backed out what you think

you know and one of the things that you know what I found out is that if my thinking was this is being disturbed over these years

then

my actions have been disturbed you know but the strange thing is that I never knew that

I never knew that when I was drinking I thought it was normal I didn't know was abnormal until I came out of coconut

because the drink I found out that not only was I seven do a lot of pain are used as a sponsor how do I get out of space

he says you gotta turn you on your back over here guys from the studio I have to make that decision and that decision is based on

the following steps

four five six seven eight nine

you know and

you know when it talks about the act you want to be controlled and then identify

I would everything just the way I wanted

it wasn't I reacted negatively

yeah why

you know Austin's room

that little boy

what what he wanted when he wanted if I can get to where we want it I lashed out of people and when you let people hurt people another thing to you know when

if you don't like somebody

did you really don't like you to

you know it is it is to find you in may you know and the arrogance the behavior the way you talk to him you know you might think they don't like you but they if you like the mid there should only human this is the way you present this

so in the third step

I made that decision to follow through in the action

program and

you know I really love that pre

god I give myself the the bill would meet with me is that I will

leave me the bonuses

you know the whole thing is I've always been stuck with me

that's the reason why I can never see things clearly I can only see in the way I want to see I can never see it the right way

for

the way it should be C. always had my own perception thanks and

and after that it says you can take that career with you

yeah why some spiritual advise what to bring about myself on my knees

yeah the bill would be do these that we made a bond sell them I better do that I will I can't do god's will self will and god's rule don't match I have to align myself with god's will

otherwise I'm in delusional thinking all the time because I'm thinking about me

and he is sick

you know and

the the passport

thank you so that I can

the of some help the door that I could

the problems you demonstrate to the problems that occur in my life that I can get through so that others may see

you know that I can't I can't leave myself a cell

I have this got to do it self care remove self

but god can remove so if I find self five find nothing in the that's that's one of

just as we launch on the vigorous housecleaning step four we made it there was a certain moral they retire

and what that is a fact finding back facing

about me that that's all it is

can I have a lot of people I'm scared to step for me you know I don't know I I guess for me I have to say and I appreciated so much that when god lifted the expression he did something else with me he took some kind of fight out of me

because all my life off with everything

but for some reason or another I never for the program

you know I want to be so much like my sponsor when he said alright let's the stock rating was down for there was just no hesitation on my part

you know if this is going to make me better

you know if this is going to do that then I just wanna get well see I'm sick I haven't had a drink now but I'm still crazy

so I want I want to get better and you know what he did was

tell me get a pen and paper

they make me comes in illustrations reading the big book of Alcoholics naps and I can really go through the whole industries by but I want to discuss

some

there is somewhere in there which says to me says if I

take care of the spiritual

the mental and physical will take care of itself

he pointed out to me if I take you to spiritual mental physical will take care of itself and

you know and it was one of the first things that they they ask you to write down his resentments and down when I found out in the big book the resentments on and our number one fan

no they they manifest from from all kind of disease at me from the stems all kind is delusional self centeredness everything stems from resentments and now

you know one of things I I only ship parliament was that which you know I had a

very very very deep resentment against my my stepfather

very very deep

I was about nine years old

and I came home from school

my mother was at work

and he had made dinner

and

my sister was sitting at my sister was sitting on the side now sitting here

and

I can't remember what it was but it didn't taste

you know so so I don't see anything you know but my sister kind of made it a spus much more you know the face like

this is bad

you know so I looked at it

and I did the same thing

well next thing I know I got shat radical side did I saw stars

and I remember getting up and saying to him for when I get on the ball on the kitchen

you know and I was just so I was so angry I couldn't see straight

and

over the years you know even before I really got into alcoholism even when I got into drinking

I had a love hate relationship with

because I never talked to nobody so what I do is I buried it deep down inside in my sub conscious

and every so often

it would it would jump back

you know it it would be about reaction especially with him and if I wasn't if I was at my mother's house I would get as I got older of course there was no more B. you know I mean it was just normal and then I hate to say this that we had a physical confrontation I was about nineteen years old

and

have a great day

but

I remember coming back from San Francisco and we stop stop the Saint Louis and he was out there at some airports basically work for the government my mother was there and then when I was leaving

he said something to me and and and and on the way came from the anger

and my mother said

whatever that is in you is very very deep

you better take care of it one day

and I told I can be around

and then there were times when I would come to forgive myself and forgive and I would go back around but I get the rumblings rumblings within

so it was a it was a great great things so when it came time to put down he was number one

number one on the list and

nobody tells you that was three five

I put his name right up there and what was the cause of course was when it happened

at the dinner table and

is there a common says what part of me was affected by it was my security affected by

don't threaten to some degree

Musselshell yet I didn't get along with him that well my section though he never he never affected my sex life

and then the last column it talks about the underlying thing what what was my part in it

for many many many many years

I only saw what I wanted to see

the actor got a smirk

you know not only did I forget the smirk but I forgot that he did the best he could do at the time that he did he did it

and you know for many many years act and you know when I was able to do that when I was able to do that the force that that part of the course I listed my my ex wife on this did social security and national security but R. S. yeah

Laurie I mean I I have a long list I'm just going to talk about then and now

I found out that what I had seen is my perception of him was wrong all these years

all these years

you know

maybe that was the way his father reacted to him when he did something wrong

I mean he didn't kill me

you know but

I wanted to be the way I wanted to be for forty years

I do wanna see it any other way

but you know when you come to this program when you get to the truth B.

you can't help but see it it is laid out in the fall the way it is suggested in the book you see the way it really

it also

when it came time for the ace that Lizzie was right on it because I don't

over the years at home my arrogance no I'm not doing it

you know I said some choice words to to that was safe in the podium that weren't really too nice

and of course that confrontation I have when I when I was nineteen years old that totally regret today

because I'm sober now because now I know when I was drinking I was

because I still had delusions thank you I still thought the well one of the things

I was the victim

in fact there really wasn't

I started the whole thing my sister really start

but

but the whole thing is I don't have to do what she did

and I wasn't doing it because she was doing it not afford fourteen days

but I'd have to react that way you know and

so I found that due to the fourth step

you know that that that reason so

could someone immediate self

it also tells them we got to put these things down on paper because I need to look at my fears

we had to make a list of my fears and

well he's a witch in the machine

I was I was born in independence and I was I was going to be the star in my family the stock

my mother was very bright bothers break down

they sent me to the best schools dressed me the best

and

I was in special classes for the gifted people early in

but then something happened

I couldn't concentrate anymore

in my grades began to drop

now in analytical subjects like math and geography thank I was very good when it came to reading comprehension my mind would wander

my mind just went off I actually read the book and

both of the I'm thinking about Sutton's last year yesterday or on the academic teachers in the questions to call me and I said oh my god I don't know what she's talking about because I would be I would be lost you know and now a lot of times as a little boy

my my mother my grandmother used to shout at me

you know because I'd be standing at talking to women

I'm not even there you know that talking to me and I'm I'm hearing them but I'm not really here I you know and then they would shout many get my attention

then I would try to pick up on what they were talking about so I have a tendency for my mind to drift so

I had a fear of expectations

you know I couldn't own up to the expectations that they accept me I was going to be the top engineers scientists at the Lloyd Allen a date many who knew me right to the top

and

I always felt like I couldn't open up could have had that view we can see about you know

when I when I went to square with the struggle when I went to college I really struggled through strong

because of that concentration I don't know where it came from Matt hedges all send him out of nowhere maybe I was born with it just never knew it

so I had a fear of not living up to expectations and I had the listing

and of course

and what part of me did it affect would put a substantive

it affected my security my social

MSX

I even had the same problem even on the job I always felt I didn't measure up I know although I would although I was born up you'll get good jobs managers in

I would always give it to you

you know if you were on my team you get on that number the power managing under the current management I really don't know so I want you to do it

yeah I had I really know and I've probably been a micro manager

but because I didn't so I can I can take my week to thirty eight and a half years at the phone company

damn good yeah

now do the tremendous potential

but that's the way it was I also had this thing about

if I didn't know anyone in

I don't know of anybody you know if I don't know I don't really want you know I don't want to learn that because you know what to watch and

you could hear some of

that's what they sell these are fears I had and what I found out through that

was that

those were almost self induced please

there's only one

I have made myself believe that I couldn't do anything else and yet still manages to to some degree to some degree

you know and

you know so that's one of his mother there was no apparent experts to unite yeah but if

yes

I had a fear of going over bridges

I don't quite get that

I don't understand it you know now I was always told to work its way through fear

so even though I would start on the bridge and get the tenure in Phelan I just pressed the gas even more interesting but on the whole you know and even though it comes occasionally I'm able to handle it today but that's this is something that's within you know enough

I have the right

you know the red devils things those fears that these little subtle we use that data you know sometimes dark sometimes economic steps in the dark and then I get a little feeling you don't

you know I mean I never knew

exactly a sponsor you know it and these are things that you know that that had to write down the name take a look at that find out what was causing

would she what would the chief triggers of me that caused me to behave the way the the way the way I did

in the

when I went to my sexual behavior

I made a list of those sexual thing that found that

one event that happened when I was about nine years old I know the girl that my godmother's house

Hey did you do speak to her private parts

and

they recall that sexual abuse in reverse

well I didn't take it is that what it did at that age is covered in my mind

you know so therefore

my outlook towards women

when I was drinking

was one of

to some degree to some degree

I

I would take advantage

I would lie

we get what I wanted

because then my basic nature kicking I want what I want when I want

because a lot of

so I did make a list of the people the harm that down to the resentments food section being

in later on is that the that would have to list them on the amazing race

of those in which I could do it in a nice staff if I couldn't do it and I stepped in I would just change my behavior towards that

because one of the thousands that was we don't hurt anybody we don't cause any body in

separate these things down on paper resolutely in Addis

was just right you know I have no problem I wanted to get well

in order to review the

and I felt better about myself to do it sell a lot better about myself

and

of course any other mental illnesses you know

I got this list

and he said well

just come and talk to me about it

we'll make arrangements and we'll sit and talk

now

one thing I failed to say and I think this is important for me

before I actually did a fist at work last night I remember when we used to go to treatments and appears in the institutions the correction facilities

we would do an edge commented so the in New York which is where these prisons prisons are coming from from upstate New York in Dannemora Sing Sing green even all the other ones and they would be like work released to a sponsor a median every Thursday

and I would go with him every Thursday and I would just sit with him and I will try to watch what he did

and he just wanted me to get into service to kind of take my mind away from my own sanity

and

I remember when we used to go back he lives in the Bronx

M. A. C. drive back across the bridge in which the park the car

and he was sitting there

any say tell me a story

everything

yeah I have a tremendous amount of trust in that man because he cheated his life with me

is John Hancock

he committed a crime six years and then a more

his life was in the

and he told me says you know the thing that we can use secrecy to carry around

any Thomas's dissent and just telling the whole story

and when I did that I can remember sitting next to him and he was very very very very quiet

it's almost like he was going to sleep you know he's meditating really say because he kept his eyes closed

and I can remember talking and get rid of all that garbage the things that I had done

remember things happen between me and I can describe it

you know but it wasn't really a first step because I didn't know the exact nature of the wrongs I have done in each one of those cases but he just wanted me to get rid of the garbage

and I love him every day for the rest of my life with that very same reason because

he helped me

to get that crap

that I noted disease feeds off now later in the day the staff

unable to learn

those things about me that caused me to behave the way I did

it would cause me to do things that what would you think it does thanks I'm able to see the exact nature

but you know it in in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a pre

yeah

we ask god to move out and if once

he removed the

are we asking resolutely where we can put our mind to work with others

is a prayer resentment so no if

we pay for the person who is sick Amazon does that they're sick people

it is a sex

you know one eight things that help me out so much worse be an active in service

you know going to be going to jails every week two or three days a week you know with my sponsor get me out of me

you know this is what it says in the gravel problems section

that that resolutely will help you know help me get out of those stores that train of thought with sexual behavior is not bad Hughes properly

you know and one of the things that on Tuesdays I don't do anything to hurt me back

because all my life especially when I was drinking I was hurting people hurt me hurt me and hurt me

and today I don't want to hurt anybody anymore

you know so now we move one step five

and I got a half an hour to talk about

well

there's something in the book you know I don't want to quote I don't understand opinion give anybody freshens that

absolutely don't

but there's some things that must also point out to me in this step

the movie was

I mean just the

the thing that would not make me hesitate honest

the best reason first

if we skip this vital step

we may not overcome Jimmy

an absolutely had to show me and I would say let's go

you know I just didn't want to go back to that hell when I had the I had a clear vision of where I was

the reason that I kind of cleared up relatively fast today and

you know to a great spots and who who helped me also okay in are going back to the third step back I just want to see just one second

Masbate had a short performance Thursday

get out of the way and stay and wait

don't get out a win get back in the way

state

did you know that

version

of the thirty

he should tell me that all the time especially when I stop bother my family you know I start telling someone to do my wife did not get any better sunny he would say

I've talked to your wife I know your wife very very well you're going to aid in the last year why

the show must

how to humble me

you know what I mean there's another part here then

that my attention is says time after time you come as a strategy to sell certain facts about their lives

trying to avoid something spurs they've turned easy methods almost invariably they got drunk

reserve the rest of the program they wonder why they fell

we think the reason is they never completed their house clean

Nestle and he said to wait till somebody else the whole life story is that when my sponsor when I was discussing those things on my force that

those things were things that I thought about that were affected me that day

but going over the list these were things that had affected me my entire life

so in effect

I was telling him my whole life story

about the situation

you know what's so remarkable is that

I never realized you know just think about it you know

in the school

been out drinking

one of the living hell

but I never ever ever ever was able to take a look at me

I was told

no

I've been told you know better

you should know better

you were raised better

all kind of things you know but nobody ever told me to take a look at me

until I came across an arms in inventory of that window

so share with Sonny and I went in and told those things that you notice things that

I probably would never share with anybody else in my life and a lot of guys I sponsored no summit things share with him but

Mesbah said trusted you know it says that we could pick up a priest a rabbi anybody from religious order

I would never tell my wife

I would never tell my mother you know I wouldn't it's not my intent would be not to hurt my intent is not to hurt me but I don't make anybody uncomfortable

you know must balance it has a strong neck

you know and I believe he could take anything and now he said you just tell me

one thing that fascinates me a lot about that is that what I found is that I didn't realize I was so self seeking

you know using people to better myself you know and I can relate that to my drinking because

I would go to the bar

and I would act like I'm

I'm running for mayor

you know I give people drink give this one a you know in in anything else nice guy

but what I really found out

is doing this so that later whenever they could return the favor to me

everything that I have would be

was based on what you can do better for me

yeah

the S. B. AB was was was a big one I used to be read the ads they see what you can give me the credit because look how much money

grandiose being stuck on my cell number

S. like I said the frightening thing is I don't think there's anything wrong with

they came in a Honda man absorbs over me that I need god to remove this from me I need god to I need to

to align myself so that I can get you guys will so I can get get rid itself consists of fifteen years in a dangerous very very dangerous

sell send it to the extreme now and

what is the solution

there is a solution

you know

I don't want to get into the next step but

instead of six to talk about being internally rated have got removed those defects that

it would be bad

you know one time I thought that that was a

that was a that was a good thing you know that was a good survival thing it was it was it was alright to be they have a tremendous ego and be domineering to be intimidated no he you have put the alcohol then I would be like

well the isolated we met the guy to ourselves into another human being the exact nature of our defects

one

you got it already knows

the new

he knew me better you know they don't know much about

with a minute to myself by putting down on paper by senior

by seeing the root cause of my problem

it to me because my problem my problem is there

now I get what I want

when I won it yeah how

in my negative reaction

and

so I sent them some of

I was able to talk to

I told what I found

and

I should those things what I would never tell nobody

nobody

and I thought that

the fellow that get us is we've become

we we would get near to our creator you know and

I don't know how near I was but I felt a lot better about myself

yeah I can I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore you know I don't have to

you know I don't have that churning inside of those things that

that would just groups of me that just really just really grandma and me in the fact they ran my life they ran my life you know and

you don't have that today

international is it tells us we should go

is it down for about an hour

they meditate

I don't know what it is now was half an hour but I did go and I just sit down

I thought about it

the city was M. and nothing else

it's all gone

this is broke out we looked in the first five proposals transaction date

we thank god

thank god for the coverage

then I'm able to do that

nothing wrong with the steps

the twelve to talk about the movie manual and things in the big book I don't know if that does that the man is no boogeyman affected

I thank god for the fact like I said that I heard so much

I heard it so much I want to get better

so we must proceed with what I do next Sunday

where I'm at now can I go on this one

that's the way it was

and to this day I don't regret one minute after that when the

you know so

about forty minutes but all they would do that on

three four five you know so if anybody has any questions

you know maybe I can help you out I don't know if I don't have the S. I know where to go get it