Steps 10, 11 and 12 at the Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

like now to introduce our guest speaker of the month of March

and this evening QB speaking on steps ten eleven twelve

and right now I like to have accuracy comparison New Jersey come up

I am here in Oklahoma

who's going to take a moment and can graduate to celebrate awesome you know I have no eight years feels like just come to the end of my own first eight year

at ten eleven and twelve

reliance independence

like if you you know by their word association when it comes to ten eleven twelve it's reliant and dependent

upon god you know in you know in doing the steps in my spiritual path I realized that I rely and depend on depended on so many other things other than god and I made so many people in so many institutions and

so many fears my higher power

that when I recognize that my life was based on

I don't lie and the lie was that people were outside things or external things could make me happier you know kill my pain or you know in light me in the least

when I when I realized that that was all yes

you know I I had to depend on something that was

greater than that you know in in

the doctor the doctor's opinion it said that human things failed us you know a lot of problems pile up and become astonishingly difficult to solve you know and that doctors aware it was entirely right he wasn't just talking about alcohol what he was talking about is the spirituality of the alcoholic is that the human things that we use our I used in order to

in order to stifle the pain

to control

to avoid to do everything I wasn't supposed to be doing when they failed me my life became my pot problems piled up in life became a stunning they became a dungeon difficult to stop and

when I'm thinking about ten eleven and twelve you know

the night that we I started to write me correctly because I talked about this last week I said that at that prayer and meditation begins when you start to clean up the wreckage of your past you know the channels to god we're not very clear the four step but I started to do

the the mechanics so that I could get used to them I remember the first time I was introduced to something called the Oxford group meditation and basically it was referred to in the big book it's like reset quietly asked for guidance and direction and and you write it down you know and then you look at it and the stuff that he's he he is

and the stuff that doesn't you're not sure about talk your sponsor you know and and the stuff that seems like pretty spiritual you know you'd like which is free you know love those sort of things you do

you know so when I was first introduced to that I remember being terrified because I was told like listed if it doesn't work and you get nothing then you're blocked off from god and you need to do more inventory and I just finished inventory I just I was in the middle of inventory I think I would have done with them in inventory and I was working out of your inventory I'm like oh no all I have to go back to something I missed you know I don't want to do that because like inventory you know that it was the funniest thing to do

I remember being so scared that nothing happened nothing happened

and you know and I shared about my own my own

weird relationship with god you know and my desire to have a barn burning spiritual awakening order in order to prove that I was good enough to have a barn burning spiritual awakening and I've always been kind of weird you know so when I when I approach ten eleven and twelve

I don't talk about mechanics again and it's because you can re drumbeat booking you should and sponsorship is key I mean I couldn't move I couldn't be doing what I'm doing today if I wasn't sponsored I don't go through the steps sitting in a meeting I go through the steps at at someone's kitchen table I thank my sponsors can be over my house tomorrow afternoon going through the steps with me that for me is how the steps work one on one I learned a lot meetings I learned a lot and workshops but you know what I'm always sitting next to my sponsor my spiritual eyes are saying Hey we got to do that you know that god comes to me on a personal level you know it's always been that way so when I when I'm talking about ten eleven and twelve it's a difficult personal thing is very vulnerable is that the one you're talking about my four step and the things that I've done because trust me people you know

or heard about it okay you know so it's a lot easier to talk about my character defects it's a lot easier to talk about my fears and resentments and blah blah blah my lack of depends upon god to actually talk about the nitty gritty what my relationship with god looks like without mechanics is difficult in itself I'm at a loss for words

I really am I going to think about this is like how the hell you talk about

you know without it without hiding behind the book

you know

when I at when I wake up in the morning when I woke up this morning

the first thing I did is I I mean I was just conscious of the fact that I was a week

you know

my my prayer meditation is changed much over the years I actually at one time and there was no very reason boasted to having not missed one day of meditation in three years add up my sponsor politely suggested that I not Medicaid for one day just for the hell of it

because

here that you don't have to but you know how many how long you've been you've been meditating you need a break you're going to invest in it it was really funny so my premeditation has evolved over the over the years of working the steps

for a long time I was afraid that if if I didn't dot my eyes and crossed my keys when it came to prayer meditation that I would be

without great

and that's not my experience today

it's been my experience that guided me hard terms with those he can't

you know and I live a life that is centered around the fact that god is restoring the sanity

the god is living and working within me they got involved in my relationships the most I'll let him

that god is doing for me but I cannot do for myself

and how that manifests is different each day

you know that used to be every day I'd wake up and I turn to page eighty two of eighty forty six R. sixty two the other thing that's when I met with my well I tend to read sixteen fifty two the morning thirty other sixteen fifty two and eighty four eighty six

or basically that's what I would do in the morning I would set out of my book and I would read that you know and to those pages fella my big book they did they're missing in every one of my big books because I every morning I would wake up and do that and

after three years of doing that like I wasn't even looking at the book anymore so I'm like why am I calling out this book like what what is it with this book at me and god so I had to put the book away

and

it's an amazing thank you know like a used to be when I talk about ten eleven twelve I read your book get down on your knees Thursday prayer different

you know it's different today I do do after group medication I do pad and pencil I do watch you know when I think about the ten step the tent that this probably next to six or seven step the most important step in my life

because it's yeah I can get we got a morning and I could take it a review of what I've done at night but it does in between hours that are the problem

and I

and that's where a line from the pendant comes in

it's not about the mechanics for me so much anymore although I had to learn how to do them in order to get in touch with god had a clear that channel

and now the channel has what I look at it plaque you know I really do look at the steps is being like a one huge you're going to go plastic

it really is

you know the channel my channel my shockers whatever you wanna call the my arteries to god were blocked by plaque you know that's what it's called you know not cholesterol called plaque I take biology

the point is that those channels were blocked they were blocked by fear resentment self will selfishness dishonesty those things

and I discuss clear those away one through nine begin to clear that stuff away you know and really learning how to be disciplined with ten and eleven what was really important to me I'm where I'm at today is of much more flexible plate and I'd kind of uncomfortable to talk about in the media because I wouldn't want anybody to think that it's not going to do per medication because I do it but it's different today

there are some days when I just sit quiet and every and there are some days when I pull out my big book and my right and there are some days when I hit quite read my book right now do yoga you know is involved because

you know bill said that a failure to deepen

and in larger spiritual life will bring back to drink and that's been my experience

and I began to depend upon god

to bring me the information that god the power greater than myself was willing to bring wanted me to have you know I used to look at people

to tell me what what to believe

where to look where to go read my big book for me please chew it up and tell me what to do because I don't want responsibility for my own recovery

and I've grown to a place with ten eleven and twelve what I've become

between me and the power my highest power which lives with inside of me which is what I believe we've already discussed that in my opinion I could say if I want to believe it if you want

my highest power which dwells within me

for clarifying that

what

hi power that lives within me guides and directs me and

and and I see things today and things are attracted to me and I'm attracted to them in order to deepen my experience and when I learn anything I bring it within and I asked god

whether or not this is what I need to know using it yeah I evaluate user just guard and for me it used to be that if somebody said to me it was a lot what you believed about me with who I want

you know and somewhere between one and twelve that dropped away and it became someplace there is a secret safe place between me and god and the steps help to build that and I have that within today I do have that sanctuary but I never had before that safe place within me rhino like it's like whatever happened even however my emotions not dictate who I am

they don't even dictate my spiritual life I can have a thousand emotions in a thousand thought to still have that little place within me that it's clean

and it is safe

and I can experience that today and I experienced that three ten eleven and twelve

through conscious contact with my higher power

you know I said that are some of the greatest things that I've learned about the steps in the program and god were you carrying a message other alcoholics that it's like when I'm sitting at home and I'm trying to figure out what the heck is my big book and what it really means I usually don't get anything because it's an intellectual exercise

I want to sitting with a sponsor a and we pray and we read the book together these amazing insight come to me I'm sure you know you gotta figure him out before me but I'm slow you know so I'll be like well I was talking about oh my god you know you know so all of these things like

all the all the steps are interdependent like I couldn't sponsor if I wasn't I wasn't directly connected to god if I didn't have the power if I wasn't connected to the channel between me and god within me and I were not cleared there's no way that I can carry the message that could be carrying carries messaging that wouldn't help anybody

you know I couldn't work with sponsors I don't have wisdom I mean I don't have great knowledge in twenty six years old I mean I sponsor women more like fifty and they come to me and I'm like alright and I sit quiet for a couple minutes someone very god of war going on here

what we need now

is that these women are coming to me from my wealth of knowledge in my limited time on this earth they're coming to me because for whatever reason not for the reason through the steps the channels within me have been unblocked or less black and like to think of it okay let's get real here Westlock and sell

I can be a vessel

for them and that to me is what the twelve that is really about and the

it is hard to articulate and hard to put it all together

you know

what works best for you at six and seven and all everything else is just to share some experiences and insights that I've gotten and I think that that's why I'm going to go about this because I can't wrap my mind around it and there's no way I can articulate it I could just tell you that I'm not who I used to be and I didn't believe in god

I hate god I was at war with god I wasn't a gnostic there was an atheist I was pissed off

they could not hold god responsible for everything bad thing that ever happened to me never occurred to me that I had free will

he you know that hopefully will think yeah

so

when I when I begin to develop this relationship with god and the things began to happen to me

it was surprising for me and I I had to throw away what I believe god what

you know when I walked into the room as I look at god is a big old parents you know but let's face it you know I'm a parent I have my kids believe that my parent you know that god is like me they're in trouble you know parents are human and limited and I wanted to reduce guide to human lives it limited conception because

I needed to be able to understand god and that's a futile kind of thing and so I couldn't get a relationship with god reducing guide to being human you understand and putting a human attributes on what god what

it was very difficult for me because you know

I couldn't I couldn't believe in a god that was petty you know the guy that I believed in when I came in today wasn't a god I wanted to have it was the guy that I was gonna be willing to turn my will my life over to the care of

you know that god was committed because I was demented you know and I believed on some level the god was like me

you know I was suspicious of him

so

when I went through the steps and each one of the steps if you notice there's a bunch of problems

or I like to call the result

you know one after the second step it says that you know god will draw closer to you

you know and that all you need to do is be you know be willing you know and that god will disclose is up to you and at the Thursday but said that you know that you'll be reborn

you know that the kings had been bugging you will begin to slip away you know and that you'll be less selfish and you'll realize that you know you're not being such mock anymore you know and then the fish that there's a ton of problems you know when it says that the feeling of the printer the feeling that the drink problem you know yes the drink problem or the

the obsession will begin to be removed

and then no the nines does a bunch of ton of promises and everybody knows them and they can discuss the best promises of all

insist that Aussie fighting everything or anyone

it is it'll be placed in a position where trial anything protected

you know and I experience god in increments

my spiritual awakening my dependence upon god came in increments it came with each one of those steps and it wasn't necessarily the first time I went through the steps that I experienced this thing because I thought you guys know the past two weeks I've explained that I'm done

and I'll go through this does my mechanics and not learn the real meaning of the whole thing you know I missed that

so

when I am

each time I hit one of those things and I internalized what the staff was really about or began to internalize what does that really matter I would experience those promises and I would get like this the shot of god

you know and when the book talks about the educational variety special experience that's what they're talking about

you know everybody thinks if we can't screw up a lot and I learn from

I think what they're talking about is getting got in increments of going through the steps that it through learning and experiencing god that you begin to depend upon it and that's how it works for me

you know it was about experiencing god experiencing spiritual awakening I could intellectual life and I had to be there for it

and that brings me to that my you know my favorite topic when it comes to ten eleven and twelve which is being present in the moment

you know

again

you know

being connected to god is something that you can only truly experience is not something you can explain it's not something you can force and I tried many times to to you know

the contorted static the steps in order to

force

you know that feeling or that experience and that's not something that you can do I can remember I remember thinking like you know I want to have a spiritual awakening how I know if I had it with me how do I know if my spirits awake I'm never going to people like I don't know can I have one I think I have Mike with you know and there he and I and everybody was just kind of like you know Karen it's not something that you could just have it just something you know and I was like what does that mean that's a real that's one of the things I don't get you know and and and that's been my experience that it happens you know I can say something I can say

without a doubt that my spirit has been awakened and that was something I couldn't say five years ago that wasn't something I could say three three years ago I always had that doubt like what if it's not because I didn't really trust my experience and it was something that you know

I talked about last week about trusting my experience and that

you know not

actually was unless we are sharing the meetings are

I love that I live in a really profound and no one hears it naked

I am I was sharing in a meeting and that's what it was during a meeting on Monday and I I was talking about

I was talking about the twelve step and I was saying that

I was saying that I I had a hard time

monitoring for a long time because I was I was looking for a formula and I was trying to impart a formula and I didn't share my experience I shared what I thought

because I didn't trust my experience

I had it matured spiritually enough to do that

and that's something that

that reliance upon it it reminds independence upon a higher power of an extended period of time it's given me

his faith and trust in my experience and who I am

you know we talk about apple and we know that our calls are dishonest in the most thing the most the biggest the person that we're most dishonest which is ourselves

you know and then the doctor's opinion it says that we we can't differentiate you from the fall

and for a long time I lived under the suspicion that I still was like that

and I've come to realize that there's there's something within me and I called god that helps me to differentiate between the four

I can hit with something I'm not taking any medication NASA quietly within the like how accurate is that really

and be honest I get an answer and I used to answer myself it was never good

and now they're somebody else answering me which is always nice within me and it because of the way okay but seriously there is something within me that can answer that and sometimes it comes when I put pen to paper and time to sometimes it comes when I sit quietly many have any of you guys ever just talk to somebody with about a problem and you answered your own question

that's called god

hi thank god we can speak and one night early on a recovery used to be that I had to do that all the time because I couldn't get quite enough within hearing

on over time

it had been I had to put put pen to paper because that was the only way I can quiet enough to hear it

and now I can sit quietly and breathe and I can be quiet enough to hear it

you know so

premeditation you know is

it did not teach and develop grow and personal and I used to look at everybody else and like they have a better relationship with god and I guess they're more spiritual in their spirits more wicked like if that's possible I didn't think about that moment I had a percentage I'm in the creation let me break this down to some sort of spiritual man

you know and I feel like you know they have they they're more spiritually weak to me you know they have something I can figure that out and the thing is is that it's not about that anymore you know it's such a personal thing for each one of us

and

and if you take my experience and you create a law about it

then you'll be doing yourself a disservice

the only thing that we can do a human being is defined what we truly believe

you know my four step was all about me internalize what you believe

and creating a whole doctrine about that you know and and in living in how to live in a twelve is about finding out what I really believe

and trusting that and realizing that there's a place in me that is not broken a defective I believe that it was the biggest fear of my life that I would thank you for reading and therefore useless

and I'm living in an R. line to depends upon a higher power I found that that was not true

that carry the carry the real character not the mom not the why not this daughter the sisters whatever but they carry that lives within the true caring that has no face no real name is not broke

you know and I began to learn that I'm not who I'm not who I think I am

I'm not I'm not who I am not my body I'm not my mind

I'm not any of the other conditions I placed on myself that there's something within me that is totally pure

and that filigree and that is who I am

and I met her for it because it's not really our

and

when I when I met that place when I met that thing within me when I met that person

I began to realize that all of my actions and everything that I've ever done in my life

doesn't make me who I am

because I really believe that I believe that my actions

made me who I want

and that

there's a place that exists beyond the material realm

and that is tangible

and I don't have to do anything to get there but

three

that to me is what the ten episode

because I can't watch and

I can't step back I can't be divorced from my selfishness self centeredness dishonesty or fear for five minutes if I don't find that place

because that's progress comes from

because you know with this I I'm a big proponent of the fact that I'm powerless over my resentment in my fears and my selfishness my dishonesty my self centeredness I'm powerless over those things lack of powers my dilemma

the fact is I was looking for power in the wrong darn place

I never never once thought that I was worthy enough to find it within

and I have

so

once I touch that place and that power

to be able to go through my day without getting so without

no without catching all my gears

I can do that today

I mean it's amazing all I'll do my nightly review and I'll get back into like

you know what we got here you know how much smoke a lot but the point is is that I don't carry people with me anymore it used to be that I would carry everybody I came in contact with me today the girl it cut me in line when he gave me a dirty look out that when this when this one that one everybody in the world I carry with you carry you with me

and I don't have that weight anymore

and being aware and being present in the moment

the truth is that right now is the only thing that really exists

you know when we when I talk about making Amanda said that you know that

I said that it's about going back and setting things right not necessarily for that person but to that I can let go of that so I could be more present were on that

yeah because the fact is is that when you can go back and recommend yeah you're saying you're so are you going to set it right you can't really take it back

visit that's pretty much impossible because it doesn't exist anymore

at thirty faded off into infinity the only thing that I have is where I'm at right now

and if I don't carry those people from my past with me I'm a lot more present

there's a lot more of me here

so

what what at you know I said that you know I talked about eleven before talked about ten because the fact is is that yeah I I did check in with god and I have to ask for god's will for me and I can't do that or I can't be present in the moment if I don't do that and I can't do I can't I can't do that if I'm not present in the moment they both really work together

you know and when I'm talking about ten that's what I'm talking about I'm talking about watching

listening

and being present

and a lot of times I just have to chat all day long like that not now

but later

that doesn't exist and I have to say this to myself like I have an internal dialog between you know my higher self and

me and a lot of times it's like art that's not happening that's not existing you need to get present take a breath where are you where your feet okay and I can walk you know and this is something I have to think all that you know and it doesn't at one time it's gotten to a place where I don't have to do that all the time it used to be I would literally go through all that right right think about tomorrow it's not happening the president be present you know where your feet breathe you know god didn't figure out I mean that was something that I had to discipline myself into something I had to do all the time and now it's become very natural to me and that's why weren't getting up here I'm at a loss for words we're talking about ten because I'm doing it

it's here

you know and it's hard to describe it's something that you have to develop and again it's about just being present and about not bringing

the external thing

everywhere you go

you know

and in that you know I found that

they've been very effective in carrying the message because of that

because

because I it you know coming up here is difficult you know and

speaking in general is difficult it's never my favorite thing to do other made a left and then I hate to kind of my time out afterwards saying how ships in his at this level and I feel like that was then this is now you know

but the point is is that there's something attractive about somebody who

who is in a quiet

and I found that when I used to beat my book and I would talk to steps and I got to do this or you're going to die you know yeah I got to pharmacies how you worked with women

I spot I'm much more attractive to other women and sponsorship

today

yeah

because

because you heard that you guys can do whatever you want

but that's not mine not yours

the point is is a much more

he taught me

I'm much more attracted to women women today in sponsorship spiritually because I don't have to be my book

you know very early on in recovery I was taught that I should be the best version of the big book on a big

you know and I thought that meant carrying a book everywhere I went you know physically

and to me today about being the best version of the big book today for me is about being present in the moment caring loving god with me everywhere I go

it is you're never truly divorce for me I just fail to recognize the fact that do their

and if I can bring that wherever I go that I'm carrying a message of hope to anybody

you know something amazing happened to me last semester in school

I have a professor who was a or is

the drug and alcohol counselor

and I don't know what it was evening with professors a month to get a couple of my essays you must be picked up on something apparently detailing because everywhere you know we have our own language you know and I and he asked me to help another student

now this man never heard me talk about the steps he had no idea what kind of life I lead but because of who I am and what I carried into that classroom he knew

that I could help somebody

that's what I'm talking about

that's the twelve step work that's real

yeah because I can teach you the big book and you can learn the lingo then you can learn how to write inventory you can learn all that stuff

but when I teach you how to live

when I show you what the big book connection looks like with the steps in action look like

I'm teaching you something invaluable

I used to send people all the time maybe like you know what does it look like what is a spiritual experience look like what is living spiritually look like and so to me to read the big book and I'm like we need

think about that in there and then I realized that you know bill to talking about a vision of god's will for us and I'm like what are you didn't have to the point that there's some sort of vision going on in that book where is it I could hear you know do this do that you know and I realized that throughout the book bill gave us an idea of what living spiritually looks about looks like

you know

he tells us about you know a calmness Saturn is with god the fact that god has become an integral part of your life reliance independence he talked about not criticizing not judging about being up helped other people fitting yourself to be a maximum service to god your fellows Karen this vision which is what I just said into your daily life

that's what the spiritual life looks like

you know I used to be attracted to people who who had that because we're used to land because I didn't know how to get that

like I knew I had a target but I didn't have to be

and somewhere in just repetitively going through this yeah because I'm dead I got I learned

you know it's like you know maybe the fifth trip around or something you know maybe me that nine four step something like that something clicked you know I'm not I'm not sure if I hear about that I told you about the middle or the awakenings that I've gotten and they didn't come until after my fifth year sobriety

you know before then I was just learning how to walk and breathe man I mean just put one foot in front of the other show up that's like what I could do and something happened like this the switch conflict within me

and you know there are people in this room you know and they know who they are help me get an amazing thing

you know and

I didn't learn

I should sign I didn't internalize all that I learned until I had to list it on my own two feet

you know and I became independent

and you know a a talked about you know what hello today I talked about you know that we can't think for ourselves and our minds at that place to go and you know don't think don't drink go to meetings and that's not my experience

yeah in the beginning yeah I don't think I ever got made maybe the first five years don't they don't are going to meetings but once once the spiritual awakening happens within you once you begin to live in the world the spirit that's no longer the case for me

and to be honest thinking with the thing I was most scared of because that was the thing that got me the most trouble

you know but there's something that there's this amazing thing that I have and it's like this internal guidance system that aren't actually that's a crock that bullet you know you can apply yourself there you better go talk your sponsor you know I have that thing today that tells me that

you know and that's my higher power you know my higher power listen you wouldn't listen me listen everything in every part of this world there's nothing that I believe that god is not a part of including nothing

because in my opinion

nothing is full of something called god

so

when I when I talk about god that's what I'm talking about you know so it's not like and I want to clarify that that it's not like I believe I am my higher power I just think that there's something within me that is a part of god and something within you so if you want to be clear about it I think you're my higher power

not in the way I used to

you know in a whole new way

sponsorship

sponsorship is been one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given I can't believe these women ask me what the what I think of course they're not asking me

arresting the god within but the point is is that I never had friends growing up you know my friends you know but like they would run away after a short period of time because I didn't work and play well with others

I usually like I had you know like I would keep a friend for like a couple weeks couple months I had a couple friends for a couple years but they were really committed like me you know so that is apparently to socio path can get along

so

it was amazing to me that I can sustain a relationship with women or a woman for an extended period of time and I've been graced with being able to sponsor women for years that's something that I couldn't keep a friend for weeks alone sponsor for years

I don't have a distinction and sponsorship that are and there's no line that I have between me and the women I sponsored I used to need to keep that because I was afraid that I wasn't good enough

and it lands somewhere along the spiritual awakening

I don't need to keep them at arm's length anymore and they know as much about me and I know about them there's something amazing I learned you know people will share more if they know that you're screwed up too you know which is

you know and and I hate to trick them telling you I can sit on my kitchen table I start knowing all these horrible things that I did before I know they're telling me everything they did want to tell me the first place

you know and you know and again my my my detachment from my own character defects Mike Walton the things that happen in my past my detachment I should say you know came instead five through ten