The topic of

I am an alcoholic

and it's grateful I'm really grateful to be introduced as opposed to being explained okay

I'm also grateful that I woke up on this side of the grass this morning I didn't come to work on I'm glad to be here I want to thank everybody for their the message of recovery that I heard from from the truly grateful I feel grateful listening and being a part of this program

now the good part of what I have to say this morning pertains to this gentleman on my left over here if I if I knew better I would have got the dock hopes we get all that and synchronize

I'm the only one wearing a horse blanket I guess

I heard sandy B. speak

on a couple of occasions I don't remember where

I don't remember when

but I remember what he said hi that's pretty good for me because I have a hard time remembering my name

okay if you're gonna be thoroughly thoroughly enjoyed with his message of recovery I give you my good friends said the big

well good morning everybody my name's sandy beach and I'm an alcoholic

been a great weekend I've enjoyed being here and I thank the committee for inviting me back I forget when I was at this round up before about that pleasure to be here

let's see I got sober on December seventh nineteen sixty four

and I've had the same sponsor

since that data now I don't know if that's a record but that's a long time to

for two guys to stay alive you know

I've been very lucky to have this guy in my life end up your new you want to make sure to get a sponsor it's like getting a guide

because they A. is the world's largest lost and found department

and if there's anything that describes us when we're new is were lost man got a clue and so it's not like the guides you know bill wrote about this somewhere it's not like the guides are totally enlightened and have a clear vision of the entire future it's just that the half blind are leading the totally blind

in somehow we're following the next person up there and and it all seems to turn out the way it's supposed to

so I feel really great about that and I decided this morning not to tell my story

I hear it so much that I'm just going to talk to those of you that may be new I'm just going to share

how this spirituality was put inside of me and how it came about

I am an alcoholic in case you are new I did drink excessively and ended up in the marine corps and in the not ward and had to do you teach them compulsions to malnutrition

and miraculously got sent to a and then got my sponsor and life is just just been entirely different life

and I think the beginning of

spirituality

for me occurred probably when I had about two months or three months

and my sponsors that well

we got the not drinking and going to meetings and we got all that going along but let's let's just in and we're going to talk a little bit about some other things I said right okay he said no let me see that let me see if I understand this

do you pray a lot not to know no I'm not I'm not into that at all no pray and don't like that

well do you think about god a lot no no I don't think about god I stopped doing that a long time ago

well Dave do you do a lot of spiritual reading no no not into spiritual reading not not not into that at all

what about meditation dudes have you tried that no no don't like that I don't even like the name don't even like yeah

I don't even like the idea about that

he said well it's the how's it going

so that's

what spirituality is all about

how's it going

and that's what

A. N. sobriety gets us to look at is how is it going

you know like totally honest which could you get totally honest with yourself and say how is it going

and you get honest is not going very good

it's really bad

and of course that's the beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous that did the the emphasis is not on trying to convince us of the existence of god that's for religions to do

what aid does his convinces of the need for god

and once we acknowledge that the doors start to open

and so I

start thinking about how bad things really were that I was uncomfortable in my own skin

that I had used alcohol to fix the problem that I had and so alcohol was not the problem it was the solution

and now the solution have been taken away from me so now it's going to be permanently uncomfortable

you know what I mean I mean going to meetings and not drinking made me feel a little bit better

but it wasn't making the dramatic change that I had seen and people around me and so I was attracted to whatever had happened to some of these other people

and of all the places that

that we find answers they come in some of the most unlikely spots

and I'm just looking back and I would say that the prayer St Francis in the twelve and twelve under the eleven step was just an eye opener when my sponsor explained it to me so if you're new I'm just going to focus on the first line in that and see if you're

evaluation of it was the same as mine was when I first heard it because that purchase starts out with lord make me a channel by peace

so what do you picture when you see that and I'll tell you what I pictured I pictured here I am I'm a just a rack full of anxiety all these things and here's this vision that I have make me a channel of that piece of this channel opens up from some of the here and all this piece flows into me and I feel wonderful

and my sponsor well that's close but you have it exactly backwards you have it exactly backwards that's not what happens at all

this you see you are living in the self centered intellectual perspective and that's exactly how it looks but nothing in the spiritual world

it's conforms to the intellectual world and that's not how it is at all and I'm going on my god this is getting complicated I just don't understand this we're talking about is a little channel and now he's got me often do

and something or other

this is a look at the rest of the prayers his who it is I want to be a channel of your peace so that

I can go out and bring understanding and bring love and bring comfort and bring peace so that I can go out and take care of all of the people that I may run into

A. said the channel comes from inside you out

that's what you had the energy completely reversed you thought you needed something

you don't need anything at all you already have it all inside and it's been locked in there through your character defects it's been blocked and that's why we have these steps to open that channel

so all this can come out and you can allow this infinite supply of peace and love that's already inside of you to get out and you're gonna find the greatest joy in the world of just spreading this

and I remember going well it doesn't feel like that

it feels like there's nothing inside to me it feels like I'm empty and a fight ever

open this up and let whatever little was in there I had the picture that I was like a balloon and you were going to and then I was going to go

and just be flat

and so it took a leap of faith to understand this is what he was talking about

and the

for me the most amazing place to find all of this information in our big book I I've always this is my favorite chapter

the chapter to the gnostic I think it's the most spiritual chapter in our big book and I remember my sponsor gave me my big book I had no intention of reading it I already knew what my problems were I knew what the answers were I'd known her all my life so I didn't need to be bothered with

you know details but I. D. he was dead serious about this book

and so I knew I had wanted to make him convinced that I had read it and I remember taking it home and they can push in the pages to make him look like they were born and I got

magic markers and just spread it around you know little things and put the coffee Cup and made coffee stains in the workplace

let a cigarette burn out on the page you know and it just looks like this book had been just devoured

and while I was skimming through I saw this chapter the gnostic and I didn't read it but some of us know what's in stuff without reading and I know that there maybe some of you

you just go yeah that's the chapter to us think gnostics and that's where we stay sober and then all the rest of the people read the rest of that stuff

and the steps and all that so when I get with that I'll be getting that chapter and I'll be learning how it gnostic stay sober when I read that chapter and the course it was quite a bit later when I actually got serious about all this and

got into that chapter and if you're new I can tell you what the chapter says in three words it says change your mind that's what the chapter says

if you're in NYC nonstick become a former agnostic that is what it says in there

and it really helps I mean this is this is why a is so practical in terms of spiritual things because starts out and this is where I get my definition of the disease of alcoholism I read the chapter the gnostic

and says that I don't have it down exactly which is something like in the very beginning if when you drink you have little control over the amount you drink it if when you try to stop you can't do it for any extended period of time you may be an alcoholic well everybody fit yeah okay I got it that's me I can't think little amount little control over the amount I drink

and then it goes on to say if that be the case you may be suffering from a disease that only a spiritual experience will conquer

now there are too many medical journals that would show it that way

you know what I mean like back in the appendix of all the diseases on the planet are those that only a spiritual experience will conquer

know what I mean

don't go to the doctor on this one

this disease is not going to be one that we're gonna be working on because only a spiritual experience will conquer this

but that's what we have so what a disease that is no medicine nothing just a spiritual experience

and so if you're like me you go

well I don't believe in spiritual experiences and then my spot to go to next

this only works for somebody who's willing to believe in spiritual experiences oh well the only way I could get there is to change my mind and that's really what's going on in other words I came in with all these old ideas

about me in the world and all this stuff and none of it involves having a spiritual experience and suddenly I have a disease that only a spiritual experience will conquer and I'm up against it I'm really up against it mentally and then the chapter goes on to say

to be doomed an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not easy alternatives to face now if you don't think that's a funny line

think about that line

to die an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not easy alternatives to face twice that's so funny because when we're new it's like we're a run a crucial and they bring us up and they go we got two doors you have to choose one

you ready

die an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis

man

that's it

there's no door three

just coast along like I've been doing them

you almost feel like sneaking out and getting on the phone call not the doctors listen doc friend of mine's curious about this how bad is an alcoholic

because I already know what living on a spiritual basis have never done it but man when I imagine it

you know because what do I know so I got to imagine what would living on a spiritual basis B. like

so what do I have what are my role models and I think the biggest role model I have is Mother Teresa you know I mean how you can't get beyond that

and I'm gone that's wonderful for her

you know what I mean but I'm going

I'm gonna give all my stuff away and I'm just going to be over

in some little poverty place just taking care of people who wrote you know it's almost like what about bowling

I mean does it have to be that intense does it

you know I can't get to spiritual and I keep all my stuff away

so I've got to control it I mean this is the mind trying to come in here talk about half measures you know what I mean yeah I'd like to get half spiritual on

and it turns out that there's no half help available there's no middle ground

you can't get a little bit sober you can get a little bit spiritual until that's what makes it such a monumental program and so I'm sitting here looking at this stuff you know like

hello

and then we start talking about what the bottom really is like if you went back to drinking and then I go to meetings and I hear people who were willing to go beyond the not ward in the

end and get sick beyond where I dreamed of ever getting and as I started realizing this was the only

alternative that if I continued drinking that was gonna happen to me that was the most spiritual thing I could be doing and if you knew that's what you want to focus on is that will get you in to the open mind that is so necessary it's nobody's gonna jump up with the proof of the existence of anything

but if you understand the hopelessness of your situation and the reality that you're powerless over alcohol

we might embrace this alternative so it's almost like we become spiritual by default

you know what I mean I wasn't planning on this

I would have never chosen any of this I'm not that kind of guy who's interested in any of this stuff I just had a deal which is like the mafia made me an offer I couldn't refuse you know what I mean it was like

he gets Burchill Guido comes by

and so

this almost sounds you know like wow what a strange way of getting people interested in spiritual principles

but let's face it that's how we all got interested whether we admit it or not

it was because the reality of our own

nature was explained to us and it was explained that our problem was lack of power

and so

I

wrestled with this and when I wrestled with was

not wanting to

lose total control over my life I wanted to become a little spiritual but keep some bad stuff just to have fun with you know what I'm talking about so

when I look at you know we started into the seven deadly sins and we gotta get rid of all of those and I'm going yeah yeah okay pride yet get rid of that I don't want pride or anything to do with pride

and then I kept going no the but I'm proud of this and and I always found exceptions and I remember there was a meeting up in what that was an old group I mean this group I've been around for a lot of years and they had and if you remember the old group that used to have like about fifty character defects listed on the big board and somebody and hand painted a mall

and lo and behold on that board there was a pride it was false pride

and got a memory that is it that's it false pride that that's bad but some pride like my pride would be all right

in a strain I was in the marine corps at the time and pride I mean I tell you I want to go on for years just on the word pride

trying to justify it and intercourse like it says it's not by accident that heads the list because it ends up justifying all the rest of them and I'm gonna have some pride

and so as I examine this like year after year I would come up with well it certainly must be all right to be proud that my son is a good little league player I'm so proud of him out there

but when I got honest I'll tell you what that word meant

it meant I want everyone to know that I'm the father of the kid that just hit that home run

and he never would hit the home run had I not been the father

how you see you giving him a lot of the credit for that home run when it really belongs more

here you see what I'm saying

it was the pride always came back to me and as I moved along a little further I suddenly realized that I had the wrong word for what I was trying to express in the correct word was grateful I'm so grateful that that boy has all that talent which he got not from me but from god

so if anybody wants to applaud that home run give got a big hand because that's where the critical so the question of inventory and going in

so pride was a hard one to even make a beginning on greed I when I first got into a fight I did not hear anything about the steps I didn't want to hear anything about meetings I just wanted a loan

I just needed I just need like two thousand dollars you know what I mean I saw that as the answer to everything I had all that whatever I was worrying me I just you know if I had two thousand dollars

with that so I just chose to read just the idea of not wanting to take care of myself because there was so much lacking inside of me I felt this lacking

because I was not interested in spirituality I was not going to understand that I could be filled from the inside out I saw that I had to get things from out there and so I just went right through the whole thing envy of course I mean you know everybody look at car he's got and I got this piece of crap and I can't even afford a battery for it I can won't be driving it till next Wednesday when I get paid and you member all the things that are going on

and then lost a member going last I want to get totally rid a lost

they have you all to think about that like one hundred percent gone

what does that worry you at all

my the only one I mean is that

zero like zero lust right zero

I don't think we want that I think what we want you to have bill writes in the twelve until we just don't want it to be enough so that we're raping people but

they got to have some of that energy going to another with no concept of what we're talking about in that sexuality area

gluttony I'm too skinny so I could skip that one that was one of the ones I could just go by

but

press the nascent being lazy I'd love to just not do anything but when I retired it took me one minute to get adjusted to it it just

I'm so glad

did not even say the word work anymore I love just I think I'll take another nap

this is just a natural so

what I'm saying is I just found as I went through anything that you presented to me I qualified and moved it down I certainly don't want to get rid of all of anything but I want to become better than I am you know not to say anybody right the the

I don't want to become a Saint I just want to be thought of as a Saint

I don't want to be honest I want to have a reputation for being honest

people will deal with me and business and I can take care of them as appropriate

you know what I mean I'll be honest most of the time but man if we're not making our quota

we gotta get in there

so this is this this is the spiritual dilemma if you're new you're probably gone man the sounds difficult well it is it's very difficult it constantly involves changing our mind changing what we set up for ourselves as an ideal because these ideals are very limited and

I it's a struggle that's just going on the non

now I was thinking about

how this all got started and I was like to give credit to

Dr young

and if you all remember the

A. age origins it really started when Rowland hazard the millionaire from Rhode Island

alcoholic he ended up probably gonna lose the family business which had been there forever

and tried everything the United States had to offer and somebody finally came up with the idea that Carl young and Switzerland was the last chance for this young man

to possibly save his life and he went over there it's been a year

seeing Dr young at the end of the year

Dr young said I've done everything skews me that I can for you

you understand the situation if you keep on drinking on an up in a sanitarium for life and I understand that I understand that so I think I've made all the changes I can your personality good luck we'll see you later and rolling left and got as far as Paris where someone asking the wrong question they said would you like a drink he said yes I'd love a drink in

and he's drunk again and he came back to Dr young after some drinking and again in total despair instead

look what happened to me

and this is where Dr young

it's just said the most humble thing I can imagine for the world's greatest psychiatrist

talking with this millionaire

and he said to him

there's nothing I can do for you

and whenever I see that I think about the end of readings in chapter five

when it said no human power could have relieved our alcoholism and certainly Dr young's symbolized the enemy of human power that was available at that time and here was the absolute zenith of what could be done by mankind and it looked this alcoholic straight me I and said there's nothing I can do for you

it it was the ultimate first step

do you understand powerless now Roque with and

and it hit him like a ton of bricks that home my god it's over for me and Dr young said now I have heard of some cases like yours where people have gone and sought and its spiritual experience and they have recovered so I would suggest to you that you go out and look for some sort of a spiritual experience

and Roland did any found the Oxford movement thanks Dan

one second

and he found the Oxford movement and got sober because it had all the principles that we've got a a was to adopt

and of course

it wasn't long after that then the second character that got the message the bill levy Thatcher came got drunk one last time up in Manchester Vermont and they finally

we're sick of them in the town he had already driven his car into a farmhouse and a few member the story in the big book and

I asked the lady for a Cup of coffee when the when the car reached the kitchen kitchen

and then he went out was going to paint his house you know this family disowned him and gave him the summer home and he's like all S. alcoholic he said oh my god I've got to do something constructive going to paint my house huge house he wasn't painting ladders and

Russia is again I think about ten square feet painted and then sat down there Meyer of the work that he had done that sort of got a little

beach chair and sat out in front and sort of imagine all the rest of the house painted in on having a few drinks and some birds came by and crap on the paint

and it just infuriated Emmy win and we got a couple shot guns and sat out there waiting for birds to come by

you know and the people of the neighborhood or daughter wore was starting in there it's just a heavy over there blasting away in

so he gets up in front of the judge

and the judge said I'm going to have to do something with you and he said well maybe I could call somebody and role in Hansard was up in Manchester doing some Oxford work and the judge released Debbie who they had known each other in his personal recognizance then each wished him up to the Oxford group

and not too many months later every thought about bill Wilson and went and said to him bill I found something it ought to come and check it out and bill checked it out and the rest is history so

many years later bill realized that he had never close the loop with Dr young

and so he wrote him a letter and said you may not realize this but you saw a patient name Rowland hazard and this is what happened as a result of what you told him

that you could do nothing that he should seek this spiritual answer

and he did and now we have found a a and we consider that you are one of the founding energies of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous we're very grateful and wrote a letter shortly before Dr young died and Dr young got to right back in the grapevine you'll see this exchange of letters every so often between bill and Dr young and basically documented case I've often wondered what happened to Mr Hazzard back at them when he came to see me probably in the late twenties early thirties he said it wasn't safe for a psychiatrist like me to professionally talk about god

because the rest of the psychiatrist would laugh at me and grinned but young was very spiritual you read any of this stuff with the symbols and all of the thank you very much into spirituality and

god being the center of everything but he said I couldn't really say that back then now I could talk more freely about and then

I that's what I wanted for Roland because I knew that this is what was his answer as I've since looked at a lot of alcoholics and I have concluded that one of the things alcoholics have is an inordinate longing for god

now think about that as the disease of alcoholism that the real problem must alcoholics have and we don't know who it is that we miss got a lot

only we don't know that's what our problem is we know that we're just constantly restless irritable and discontent and we use our elected we look at it we go ice you're not going to see that it's we're missing god that god is missing in our lives it's just that money must be it we gotta find something to relieve this freaking thing that always nagging me it was always there something was missing I just don't feel right like other people and so I'm struggling in the material world to fix that underlying problem and nothing would fix it until I found alcohol and alcohol is the closest thing to spirituality that I think you can get

it is almost identical to spiritual experiences suddenly a power greater than ourselves fixes us from the inside out nothing out there changes nothing you don't get any money no the world doesn't change nothing except we live in a different world

where a peace with ourselves we really have found an answer unfortunately vodka is not a loving higher power

and

does not have our best interests at heart but it was it shows how we were struggling with the problem we could never put our finger on and no matter what we did to try and relieve this problem it wouldn't go away you talk to a ace who came in and became incredibly successful financially

and ask them did that fix that underlying problem that you had this had no I was thinking to commit suicide on my yacht

I was thinking to commit suicide on my yacht getting incredible physical shape become workout addicts that that that them you know and then you just stand there in front of the mirror just going

it ain't gone it's

on the health food diet skin on whatever it is get the perfect relationship he couldn't be better but then when you're alone you're just going

god I still have it whatever it is it's just not fixed I need to fix something

and that's when we get to the last part of that thing in chapter five and this is the part that I think that last sentence of whatever talk about that no human power could have relieved our alcoholism and then the next line

god couldn't would appear sought now if your new update guarantee you this is what you just heard me say

the guy couldn't would

that's what you just heard me say

you didn't really sink in if he were sought

that little porches that it was almost like a god couldn't would thank you god I'm here

I'm in the program and just going to meetings and I'm not drinking this time in god's hands why is it great

and then nothing seems to happen and so maybe we got to focus in on a word that right in there and it's called seeking

which is exactly what Dr young told Rolling Hansard

go seek a spiritual solution to your problem and he did and he found it

and so

I don't know where I came up with this but this is in my mind the evolution of seeking as I've experienced that in my life and the first time I ever remember speaking was in grammar school hide and seek okay somebody hide you know they were the first time you played that you so what's the game hide and seek okay so one guy heights and then what do I do you seek what's that you find them okay you know how hard you look just like I know well I mean you were totally focused you're just like

I mean it was zooming because you want to be the one to find the whoever this what you know until they hit over here over here you were thinking about anything else it's just like in

and the next thing I remember getting involved with that was Easter and my mother would hide the Easter baskets for my sister and I ended you say come and we go can we start we start can we start you know like we're going to really

focus on this and go in and I've gotten

you know I'm just

but even there with all that candy that I could hardly wait for if it went more than like thirty minutes the seeking power started diminishing can you give me a hint give me give me give me a warm my warm my warm in my warm

those seeking takes a lot of energy to stay the focus

you know that you know I mean finally I got it

but this is you can get the idea of what it is and then the last example I remember was we had a golden retriever when I was a probably twelve or whatever and had for years and years and he ran away

I don't know if you ever had your favorite dog run away

but I look for that dog really hard and for a long time I mean I look for that though I would go out in the woods in college name two years after he'd been gone I had to go then the ten night I can find him maybe because I missed him so much so there was seeking

now we come in every chapter finances got couldn't what if he were sought now let's discuss some of those seeking that we've done

here's a typical seeking day for us alcohol if you're ready

we start today with the twenty four hour day book on the toilet and

okay

but we're late today we have a very important point mint and god knows I might get a deal out of this so we just have to speed read everything was cool

and it

if anybody asked this on the way out what we just read

I forgot I was I was thinking about this

the end of the day we get down on our knees we go thank you very god a man of my tired well they are cut short here

I'm very very grateful I'm very grateful

well we've out of twenty four hours we had somewhere around sixty three seconds is seeking

so I don't know if that qualifies I don't even know if you could get in the dictionary under speaking with that you know what I mean it's not it's not speaking at all that's Messin around that's what that is that isn't even speaking

and so I think that it's a start looking at that I just went god this is I'm not this is not that huge priority

S. because it doesn't appear to be life or death like the dog was it's it's like I could delay seeking one more day and it really won't make that much difference I could delay really trying to grow

another day and I believe that's why we have tragedies come into our lives everybody who's been sober has had things happen to him

painful painful things awful things

and if you look at it in the big picture

it's just god sitting up there going god I love that wonderful Alice back there I just want her closer to me but I can tell if you think of it get closer that way she is

I guess I'll just have to have

this thing awful happen

it doesn't make sense at the time when I was over two years I went to a meeting every night

I did everything my sponsor told me and I didn't get promoted in the marine corps and I got I'm out I have fourteen years as a regular officer six kids to support go to meeting every night I'm out

and I remember going to meetings and people tend to be at the top of it you know what the topic getting thrown out of the marine corps that's not really a good topic for a a we are right well I don't care I go through

and I heard that stupid advice that you hear in a a with people down and even they don't even listen to your problem they tell you stuff like double up on your meetings work with new people say this for any person to person Francis I want them to say were thrown out of the marine corps oh my god listen I am on this big corporation I'm looking for a top executive with sixty five thousand a year in your own car B. all right now that would be some spiritual health I mean you know this

tell me the status to render the pearl over that's really helpful you know just

by this huge resentment and three months after I was out I

was in a lot of pain and I was just thinking about how unfair this was in part about god and all that and it was a little story in The Washington Post about page five paragraph about that big said marine corps instruction team killed in Denver in plane crash and that was my team and if I had been promoted like all I wanted I would've been on the plane and that would have been it and a member th realizing when I read that that god knew I read it I just been complaining to god like mad and I knew that he knew that I read it because he knows everything

and I felt awkward to say the least

you know what I'm saying

and so I said

what you just told me that was going to happen I wouldn't

but all this stuff

and so here we are she with this with all the chapter the not taken all the day is is trying to overcome my objections

to our ego staying in charge that's all spirituality is and that's all the steps are all the steps are is that it's we have all these obstacles called Kerr to depict their block in this channel and none of the stuff can get out so we have no you can put a lie detector most of have you ever had any contact with god no and we'll be telling the truth it's blocked we can't have any contact we shut it up in the diseased so minute I mean it just sealed it so there were telling the truth when he said I know I don't have any of this at all and so that's what this is we just going to pull all the stuff out of the way so that it the channel can be opened again and it was just gone you want me to believe in this you want me to believe that it's possibly be guided by god you know I'm going to enter my whole life remember you don't have a black

and I remember when I was in twelve years old I join the Boy Scouts anybody ever joined that I only did one year

and we went to the thing and probably after about the tenth meeting the Scott messing it up and he said this is the compass