Steps 10 through 12 at the Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

speaking on the

eleven twelve and thirteen I really nothing

I'm sorry the end of the semester how we're not going to do that and his name into the towers

yeah

can you hear me in the back

good

hi my name is Howard I'm an alcoholic

I'm grateful to be here and grateful to be sober

hi my home group is the Monday night into action big book meeting and Berkeley heights New Jersey

I heard this little story that I want to share with you

about this guy probably alcoholics

who made his living by breakaway breaking and entering homes

and one day broken up and he was in his cops

and they didn't have a sentence pocket

I needed a drink and he was feeling terrible

I'm so bad at the house I was walking around a new neighborhood and started the case houses along the way

and he finally found a house that he felt he could break into

without any consequences

I went to the back of his house and he had a knack of entering a house without doing too much damage and he did so

and it took a little flashlight out and you start looking around the area

and he came into one room

that had a cabinet that looks familiar to him and within this cabinet there was a safe

and he gets down on his knees

he wasn't crying now he gets down on his knees and he had a little flashlight in his mouth and he was trying to trick that combination

and his little voice that says Jesus is watching you

I think it takes a look for a second message that I had that can't be because back to that combination in the starts to play with it a little bit more

and his employees say Jesus is looking at you

then he says wow I'm really here in this and he stands up and he looks about the room

and he sees this new warning for

and this is walking towards the bird

birds sang Jesus is gonna get you over and he says to himself the heck with that little voice and as he's walking back he sees this huge German shepherd

and this German shepherd has his bangs precluding saliva is drifting and his that little voice say second Jesus

just like myself

I've heard warnings all over the place I never ever pay he never paid heed I just want to say it's been a joy yeah

the last four weeks

sharing some of my experience strength and hope and I'm I'm very grateful that I have this opportunity because this the first time that I've been in a setting like this

and I just hope that the people who have been attending this meeting can get some whole other somebody who was as hopeless desire was

I can have an about face and awakening and hopefully be useful

so I hope that you do get some hope from that

when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous I heard people say that they were bankrupt

basically mentally and spiritually and although I could identify with some of that I really couldn't comprehend what they meant

I know that I was bankrupt mentally because I felt like my brain was fried like an egg in a pan I mean I used to

C. like docks in front of me and there was no such thing I mean I was really pretty far gone I believe

I'm physically I was also in a very debilitated state I was on the way I wish you on this I mean I was really sick man

but the spiritual thing I never really could comprehend that to me a spiritual person was the Dalai Lama or somebody who was wearing a habit something like that I could never comprehend the human being being spiritual unless they were devoted to god usually by religion

but I said you know I can I guess that I'm spiritually bankrupt also so now the thing is how do I get out of chapter eleven that was my thing how do I change this

well as it began to think

in step one I admit it for the first time that I was powerless over alcohol

I was smitten by this insane urge to drink

I'll calls an obsession

and once I ingested the alcohol I triggered something inside of me that was very different from the experience of ninety percent of the people on the face of this earth

once I ingested that alcohol a craving and soon an insatiable desire for more alcohol and I couldn't stop

I also have this thing called the spiritual malady and which I was effectively blocked off from god it's like a man who was that

I could not hear god's power god's love god's way of life I was officially removed from that

but

because of my powerlessness I finally found out what my problem was I saw the need for the power greater than ourselves as my solution

so what I did

yes I came to believe that if you guys are getting well by believing this process by believing in the power greater than yourself and I can identify with your experiences then if it could work for you possibly it could work for me I tell me that's what believing is upfront information it's the possibility yes this can work for me based on that belief

I had really

only one alternative

I don't want to go back

the horrific life that I lead the insanity of alcohol

so I did accept spiritual help

and I made my decision and step three

I like god direct my thinking thank you for beautiful couple of sentences that he's my direct that he's the father and his child he's the principal lamentation

I made that decision and once I made that decision

I'm a regular thing happened

I started to feel a little bit better

my book says I feel new power flow in

I just a minute I'm powerless over alcohol and yet I'm making the decision and I'm feeling real power hello and

and it reminds me I'd be sick in the morning and I have this pain pong match in my head take a drink you can't take a drink it's killing you take a drink you can't take a drink take the drink you can't take it during

apple calls it a clear mental phenomenon I love those words that still uses an amazing thing happened once I decided to take the drink

I wasn't sick as I was before I decided to take the drink so just by making that decision two one five I began to feel a little bit better

making that decision to let god direct my thinking I began to feel a little bit

I got enough power within me or I could begin to look at what my real problem is

myself

instead for

I began to look at my thinking

and then I realized that my thinking is my problem not the world and its people

not the alcohol but it's my thinking because it's my banking they gave my body permission to pick up the drinking

it's my thinking that creates my actions that got me into all kinds of trouble

I never ever realized that before because I was so busy looking at what you did to me

that I couldn't see that it was my actions that created that to begin with

so I began to see that on my problem and I share this information

with another human being and god it was easy to share it with god because I couldn't get the feedback

but that was insufficient

that was lacking humility so I share that with another human being and it was a little relief with that because there's an implication that account sharing it with another human being that I'm a human being also and for many many years I don't believe I was a human thing I always thought I was less than primarily because that's what people told me I was not a very pleasant man I can assure you that

if the sharing this information with another human being I began to see my true

I began to see the exact nature of my wrongs the wrongs the things I've done incorrectly what block me off from god

but you know just knowing that it's not sufficient because just by knowing that even if I read those wrongs they're going to come back again because I'm not removing the exact nature of the wrong the rule the thinking that created the wrong to begin with

I think I want to say that it was my defective thinking that created the actions that put me in a position to be resentful to be fearful to harm people

when I began to say it was my thinking

I became willing to have god remove these things that became objectionable to me I no longer wanted to be that person

and step seven humbly on my knees I ask god to remove these character defects holding nothing back

now the first time in this

as I share

obviously I said the seven step prayer and I thought that was it

and very shortly thereafter I got into legal trouble because god did not remove my shoplifting like I thought it was going

at the same time that I ask god to remove I have to remember that these are the steps that I took not god and I believe that god is doing all right without step seven the last time I found out so I have to do my part

and my car is that as I escalate to removal and only he has the power to do that

with all the power I get from god and all the will I have I have to try to practice the offices of the defect but I asked god to renewal for example if I has gone to remove my selfishness then I have to ask god for the strength and use all the power I have to be unselfish

the fire's gone to remove my dishonesty the little strength god gives me on nor will I have I have to be honest and I said again to do this with all those things that I found objectionable on my fourth column all those defects of character very slowly over a period of time I begin to change my stock in trade up again to change my thinking

the old ideas will cast to one side and a new set of conceptions of motors began to dominate my thinking I want my thinking changes my action changes or my actions changes my life changes so essentially I have been reborn

now if I could just stay there

that would be okay

the cost so far two one two one three I begin to get right with god begin to get right with god and I begin to get right the spiritual dimention

four five six and seven I begin to get right with my thinking in the metal that mention now that would be wonderful if I could just stay there and have to go no further because the next two steps a very very humbling

however

if I don't get right with the world and its people

resentment is going to come back that's going to block me off from god the Senate is going to return I'm going to get restless irritable and discontent and for me when I get to that state I can get a sense of bees and comfort that comes at once

so it's very important for me to make a list of those people that I enjoyed which I took off for the first column of my inventories

I think I'm willing to make amends to them

and then to make direct amends businesspeople wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others very very important to me and all of these steps

to have a guidance

the cost step nine is to write the wrong not the relationship I'm not out there to fix my relationship with you or anybody else if that happens as a result of this great

but I have to share with you there were many people to whom I made amends that I didn't want to repair the relationship

follow so that's not the purpose is to right the wrong so I've gone through this process as my book says on page twenty five steps four through nine and there's a successful consummation this process of completion

and the completion is a personality change sufficient to recover as is evidenced by the twelve steps on page eighty three and eighty four if you look at those twelve promises

one eighty three eighty four

you'll see they all have to do with my thinking

not my physical dimension but what my thinking

I know the book says these promises will always materialized if I work for them

through the first nine steps I've been put back into the design for living thank god created for me in the first place because for born as trying to mention the people

now I begin to get right my instincts begin to get restored to true purpose

it's a wonderful wonderful feeling to experience that

it's so wonderful

that I may say so myself

I did a lot of work

you know my book says to rest one hour after the steps that I did that I looked at sixty seven I went out and made these a man's maybe I could take a month off

a lot of work at

something that I learned is that this universal law that nothing ever stays the same

Iran progress Singh or regressing you know I'm going forward or I'm going backwards nothing stays the same my book in its infinite wisdom because I believe the big book is god directed

give me three steps

that allow me to continue this process of four through nine on a daily basis it boggles my mind truly

that this was created in such a fashion

my book says that I have to continue to set right any mistakes I make along the way so there's an implication that I'm gonna make new mistakes how freeing that is I don't have to be perfect my whole life I wanted to be perfectly because I knew I could meet that expectation I did very little

now my book says we have to continue to set right any mistakes what a beautiful promise we've entered the world of the spirit

I've that for the first nine steps in my ten step hi enter the world of the spirit

this is an application that I got to do some more work if I just enter this room there's an application I got to take more action to get over here

it's the same thing in the spiritual realm I entered the world of the spirit my next function my next job

is to grow not maintained as people say come eleven and twelve on but to grow in understanding and effectiveness

now tell you what that means to me

I understand that through these first nine steps and doing my daily spiritual disciplines that I need god more than ever

because there is some sort of temptation here there to say I've come this far now I got it

now I know what to do now

I have a new employer I still need to get my assignments I still need to know the role that he assigns to me on a daily basis

once I understand that I become more effective

why because I stopped doing those things that I did while I was playing god my book says it doesn't work I stopped controlling

I try to stop will be at least minimal and my expectations of people or things I've wasted a lot of time I'm trying to do what I don't have the power to do mainly control other people I wish the self seeking one trying to be kind

I would check on the debt providing I got what I wanted and the minute I felt I couldn't get it any longer bone that was the end of that

what book says on a daily basis that I continue to watch the selfishness dishonesty resentment and fear

and this is what I did in my four step a nation

I know how to do it

we need to crop up

I S. guy that wants to remove them

and I learned how to do that six and seven

I discuss it with someone immediately and I learned how to do that in my fifth step

and if I find anyone I make amends quickly

can I tell you what I used to do

I used to carry

these negative things in my life selfishness dishonesty rejecting it he is self seeking

in consideration I used to carry these all day

this is how I rule my life hi this defective thinking today I no longer have to do that I have a tool that one experience this I stopped

it's almost like I never forget I bought a car in nineteen ninety nine and it's one of the safety car kind of because you know it has a lot of them warnings and there

and if you don't put the gas cap on right

because of animation thing the check engine light comes on

and I got very frightened the new vehicle so I go to the manual and the manual says go to the dealer right away

well I have a check self light in my head

when I experienced selfishness dishonesty resentment and fear the check self light comes on

by manual says to attend step

on the stand

and I do the ten step invariably whenever I'm doing the wrong thing I know it how do you know why I know what because god wills with Indian if god wills within the I know right from wrong

so now I have a tool

when I experience resentment dishonesty selfishness fear

I stopped and I take inventory

and I find out what the problem is

I find that with the character defect is because I'm not going to feel less and less money this character defects come up

I S. guy that wants to remove it

also giving me the strength to practice the opposite of the defect or defects are asking to remove

I discuss it with someone immediately

and I must confess there were times when there was nobody to discuss support so I have a good conversation with god

and I make amends quickly five hundred and one

this whole process takes ten minutes twelve minutes fifteen minutes

and I don't have to carry this around all day long then I resolutely turned my thoughts to someone I can help department self I can't help anybody

and again the wisdom love and tolerance of others it's my local

when I came into a

I was very good at taking no steps off the wall and practicing them in my life the way I saw fit

and what I got was an off the wall program

hi my life reflected that the course with twenty once in a I was off the wall

see the problem with taking the steps off the wall and using them in my life is that I didn't look for the instructions and instructions are in the book

something else that I heard that also confuse me about step ten is that I do it at night before I go to sleep

well I don't get into much trouble at night anymore before I go to sleep

so I don't need to be doing a ten step plan usually

I need a date time walking around staff not a bad parents that

my difficulty happens when I interact with other human beings that's one ninety this step

if I can find somebody at nine o'clock in the morning and I don't like what they say or do and I start to be played at

at eleven o'clock you don't look at me the right way and I still have that feeling from nine o'clock in the morning and that one double reset you follow what I mean about one o'clock I'm looking for a drink

I don't have to do this anymore

I have my tool I have my ten step tool I take it out in the tool box and I use it

and when I began to use this on a daily basis my book promises may

that alcohol will be removed from my life

it'll be removed from my life on a daily basis

Saturday

all the time

unbelievable step two

I came to believe that god can restore me to sanity I've done some work and sanity will have returned and as the result of sanity being returned to see the truth about alcohol I would call for me

as a what a high flying instead of put my hand in and saying maybe we'll burn me to different often now I recoil from alcohol as for my high point

this step also promises made they'll be placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected I think about the the the the commercial the insurance commercial you're in good hands with Allstate

I'm in good hands with the almighty summation feeling to be safe and protected to walk anywhere I want to walk and not have to look behind me any longer who's there who's that who's going to get even with me

I don't have to do that anymore

the problem has been removed it does not exist for me any longer provide

as a condition I keep a spiritual connection

why wouldn't I want to why did I drink alcoholic leaf in nineteen years because I wanted to be a horse's rear end

because I wanted to go to AA absolutely not

I drank because of work

why would I remove myself from society from a substance unless it was doing something for me

then I began to do things to me and I still drank as if he was doing something for me Dr so close says at a certain point I cannot differentiate the true from the false

smart man like me close to the truth about a liquid

on the legal

that has been removed from my life

today

and I'm very very grateful for that

it's like god came into my head

I took out that obsession to drink but

one guarded that there's an empty space in my head

how to be filled with something

and it was filled with the obsession to stay sober

I need to stay sober at any expense

including people someone who one might love

this is a beautiful experience for me this this concept

and again

it's easy to let up on this program and rest on my laurels now what are my laurels

what I've done up until this point

to get to this point

yesterday's premeditation yesterday's meeting yesterday's twelve step work

those are my world

I want to begin to think about it that makes sense because yesterday's alcohol never got me drunk today

so it stands to reason that yesterday's spiritual work for yesterday's meetings I'm not going to keep me so I got to tell you what I get a kick out of and again I only speak for myself I get a kick out of people saying I got to go to three meetings because I'm blown away and I got to get the meetings in the bank

yeah yeah yeah I understand I mean there are people that really believe that they could bankrupt them meetings

what what alcohol

I don't know how it's gonna work for meetings

my book says as a result it and step

I get my world back

imagine that

because now it's the proper use of well

I bring the vision of god's will and to all of my activities

so instead of ten I get my world back in step three I made a decision to turn my world my life over to the care of a gun I've done some things between three and ten and I got my world back I got my thinking back because now it's the proper use of my thinking

this is Ben

the kind of step that on a daily basis remains me of anxiety the mission of stress and keeps me fit

but that's not all

all things

as far as I know

a born with five senses

and which I gather most of the information that I can relate it in my lifetime

in my particular case for dinner in my head that's not a good place on the

but you know I was thinking how my eyes deceive me

I mean I shave my head and I look in the mirror and it seems very small the national stuff or anything but once I touch it I can feel it so my eyes deceive me

a lot of what I hear I put my own

section two and it's not actually what was said

so that the sees me as well

I have the ability to this program to develop what are vocals provide a sixth sense

the ability to access god's power god's love god's way of life

a book says that determine side every man woman and child is the fundamental idea of god

so that means god wells inside of me wherever I go goggles you don't leave me I maybe you can

but he doesn't believe may

so I have this power within me to access anytime I want so I have all the knowledge all the power all the love that I need to get to any given situation in my life the only question is am I willing to work with them

that's the question

my book is misstep that consists of three spiritual disciplines

which if I applied on a daily basis okay which was once a spiritually bankrupt individual and enable me to access god's power god's love god's way of life

it's an incredible thing bill does this on two pages in the book Alcoholics Anonymous

I had to press coming into a

what I learned as a child now I lay me down to sleep most of us are familiar with that one I don't want to pray about if I die before I wake I don't wanna you know I I I was I was a dead man walking for a lot of years

and the other one some of you may identify with this the award please get me out of this crap

this time I mean and I have been doing it again I'm never doing

what I would do it again

there's a there's a scripture that I love it says something like this when you come and pray to me I will hear you

when you search for me you will find me if you seek me with all your heart if you seek me with all your heart

F. to how it works let me see if I could I would if he was sought

and we're talking about step two

step eleven starts out with sort through prayer and meditation to improve not can maintain

but to improve our conscious contact with god I'm still seeking god in the eleven step

thank god will be there if I seek him with all my heart

praying only for knowledge of his will for us as well and the power to carry that out

my book tells me what I need to do before I retire at night

constructively reveal my day see that's what I do that's the inventory I do at night it's my eleven staff

my ten step by do all day long I continue to watch I think about years ago I don't know if they still haven't I remember Manhattan we used to have these watch these watchmen and I used to walk around and I used to have a flashlight in the key and they have to turn something I don't even know what it was but I would see them turning it I was too drunk dance and you know I I see them turning it out I guess that was their way of showing whoever it is they work for that they were doing they were watching that's what I have to do I have to continue to watch for these things that separate me that eclipse god's will for my life god's power from my life

through sept eleven

at nine

I constructively reveal my day now

that was a breath of fresh air because I don't know if your experience was like mine but I would lay down at night sober no we sell but and I would think about the things I did doing it and I said well for you all right you someone someone with myself apart

thanks destructively reviewing my day

my book system I'm trying to see the truth because once I see the truth I know where I stand and once I know where I stand I will go on and ask them to remove give me the strength of the place

do I own apology

while apology to anybody

is this something that I need to say to somebody

if there is I need to do that

was I kind and loving toward all

a full show that every day

what could I have done better

hi my thinking on myself four times

for my thinking what I could do for the people

these questions there were seven of them

that I have to ask myself

and I do that

and my book warns me that if I fall short not to drift in morbid reflection don't beat myself up because that would diminish my usefulness

Argus

that's my job today is to get myself to be a maximum service and if I beat myself up I can't be fit

so it tells me what to do at night

I'm doing whatever it is that's negative to god and ask what corrective measures and necessary

and I lay my head on the pillow

and I sleep

there are very few nights during the course of the year that I'm going to sleep almost at once after I do this work

what to do in the morning

it says when I awake on the way to the office in my car

Baghdad on awakening on awakening what is the name on awaken

I look at the twenty four hours ahead

and now

I asked god to direct my thinking

that's what I do

I have a feeling of quiet time with god quiet communion with god and I'm pretty good today I'm walking out the chatter

thank god I'm a I'm I'm able to do that

and I get right with god

and I asking for the spring

the inspiration and intuitive idea five facing decision

I put people in the morning

some people had a hard time with

some people who aren't feeling well

some people who are sick

and self

makes me feel good to do that nobody knows that but I know that

and I conclude my period

of meditation with a prayer

that I be showing off for the day what my next step is the big

I could be given the strength to work through any difficulty I might encounter

when I woke up in the morning when I was drinking the first thing I need to do is curse cocked allowing you to wake up

and I was the kind of guy

in my bedroom I hated daylight because I know how to live with me for ten to twelve fourteen hours I used to have ten for on the windows

and on top of the tinfoil hat towel and on top of the tower had a Phoenician blinds and on top of the Venetian blind had a great

I hate it daylight

I used to curse god for allowing me to wake up

today the first thing I do as I say he's got thank you for allowing me to wake up and giving me a beautiful night sleep because she always does

I pray for the strength to see who

about the drink and that's on a list of a couple of other things

throughout the day and please put somebody in my life who was suffering from my dis ease

because I know what it's like to be at this means

I say that every day

I came back from palm kernel Florida

in may of eighty five and I had this information

but it took

two more years

and then some before I apply to my life because even listed with this information I was like a three or four step you know what I mean I did I was powerless I can't believe I made a decision and I was helping the world especially females I was good like that

then I had a crisis in nineteen eighty seven

where I'm sober now for years what I wanted to go out and buy a gun and soft about the

I woke up in the morning like three in the morning three thirty in the morning I'm lucky that experiences headaches between you temples that that is just indescribable

and this was in October and I would say the beginning in November I don't remember when but at some point between October and November

I picked up the big book one morning at three in the morning

I look to what to do one awakening

and I did that

never forget this and I went back to sleep

and I remember what time all car classes wow that's pretty good

and that night I took the book out

before I went to bed and I did that and I went to sleep

the next morning I woke up and I slept a little longer and I did the same thing

and I've been doing it every day from nineteen eighty seven thank god until the present with the exception of two days and I share that with you

in nineteen ninety three

I had a sinus infection

I went to the doctor and they gave me an antibiotic which I was allergic to and I had a reaction

I went back to this doctor and he gave me a shot of cortisone which really tore up my stomach and I was itching because I had a ranch

I said I wanted to go to the pharmacy and get them to grow and I went to the pharmacy and I got the Benadryl and I took as prescribed I forget one or two every six hours

and then after that six hours it took another one or two and I couldn't wait for the next six hours ago by and I tell you I take it I think the compulsive individual I once he came in for a package and what I did was I emptied out all the pills into a file so I would have to hassle with the foil

you know what I mean

in the days of doing this I was insane I was in and I don't know what it was and I wanted to drink I wanted to drink

just so happened that I call my friend Martin god god bless him wherever he is

and I told him what happened

I said tell me what's going on with you

and I told them to stop taking the Benadryl

so I stopped taking the Benadryl

and within three or four hours it was amazing

but you know what I got from them

the most important thing in my life today this is not not drinking

it's my relationship with god you don't realize it because you don't have it it's like I don't know if you've ever experienced cutting a single you can't use it

you never realize how important one finger recently you can't use it

one percent I never realized how important god was until I was disconnected

he gave me a whole different perspective of my relationship with god

my book also tells me what to do when I face in decision

seven seventy myself up in labor over

bring the guard relax and take it easy the right answer will come

and after awhile be surprised the answers that I get

maybe call here call this one do that follow what I'm saying

but I get the answer it reminds me I hope this which includes a set of keys

and the drives you crazy

and you go in the same pocket six times you know which day

to pick up that you pick up the sofa cushion forty you know you go on the you know and you know it's there and then finally out of frustration say the heck with this Steve guy please take this from what happened fifteen minutes one

the lead right to them in this thing if it works with something as simplistic as keys

they could work with anything the firm will when the workers but I have to be careful because still being an experience with this I may pay for it all absurd ways I'm I think I'm getting god's will when it didn't sell for convoluted is god's work

very very important that I share with somebody who is along the same path bill says in the twelve and twelve was very dangerous to go alone in spiritual matters