Steps 3 through 9 at the Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

this I guess speaker per month and the Howard G. from July

thanks

can you hear me yeah

my name is Howard I'm an alcoholic

and certainly in my case

what I K. this is by the grace of a loving god

and by the power that I found is the result of the program in a book Alcoholics Anonymous

I'm not a support I get from the members of our wonderful fellowship

by the service that god has blessed me to participate in

I've been separated from alcohol since July ninth nineteen eighty three and I'm very very grateful for that

and if you know me well I was drinking and be grateful to

that is without a doubt

I'm delighted to be here I heard this little story

about this couple who are very much in love

and they want to visit the priest

and they walked into the priest's office and the priest saw how happy they were they had smiles on their faces

and they said father were very much in love

I would like you to marry us

and the priest says well I can see that you're in love and I can see a very happy but unfortunately I will not be able to marry you for the entire period of lent

and all of a sudden the smiles on their faces were removed and there was sadness

and the priest thought for a second term salfen said I really hate to disappoint this young couple and they had a thought he says I'll tell you what my children he says I will be able to marry you

but you have to make a sacrifice and they should bother anything please tell me what

and the pre store for a second and he said you have to refrain from physical intimacy for the entire period of line length and they said no problem we can do that not a problem whatsoever

and the priests marry them and they were very very happy couple weeks later

the priest is walking in town and she's a young man across the street and they wave to each other and out of respect the young man comes over and says hello to the priest and he had that smile on his face

and the father said to the young man how is everything he said fine father which is very much in love and he said well what about the sacrifice

and the young man looked at the priests and all of a sudden his face became very serious his father I'm sorry we didn't make it

so the priest said well tell me about it

and this is for the one day

I was with my wife and she was one one of these mini skirts

and she dropped the canopies

and she when she went down to pick up the keys the sacrifice was out the window

and the priest looked at him and said you know they will put you out of the church for that

and the young man says I thought so they put us under the supermarket

last week

last week I strive to speak a little bit about step three four and five

in order for me to come to a place

where I even considered

turning my will and my life over to the care of god I had to have evidence that I could no longer do this myself

I know how it works there the Freeport and ideas

that I'm alcoholic and could not manage my own life

and I can conclude yeah I am alcoholic I realized that before I drink I have the obsession

that overpowering desire to drink in spite of the fact that I know I can drink and one saying just the alcohol I have this other component but only ten percent of the people in the United States or the world perhaps have and that's that craving that physical factor that one sign in just the boost I just can't stop

that probably no human power could relieve my alcoholism and I had to think about that a little bit and I've gone to doctors psychiatrist psychologist I had my family that tried to help me friends who tried to help me and I was beyond you might help

and the third person ideas that guy could would if he was sought

and if I would have looked at that third statement

without going through the previous chapter

I would have never believed that god would help me

because I grew up in an environment where god we use as a threat

how would if you do this god is going to punish you or if you don't do that god is going to punish you so I had this idea that god was out to get me and then when my father passed away one of the first things I thought about it he really got me this time

so I believe in god but I believe he was out to hurt me and my life reflected that because it was easier for me to blame god for my travails and take responsibility for my actions

but I found out in the previous chapter

that I can do a few simple things and I could begin to have a relationship with god because that's what I need to have I need to have a relationship with god

I needed to

I believe that there was such a thing as a god

and all my life even though I believe god was a negative for us if somebody would sneeze I say god bless you and I meant that in the good spirit and if somebody said you coming there I would say god willing

now I don't know if I did this by habit or what I thought about it but none the less I would do it

and also the latest side prejudice ladies side by D. is about god that punishing judgmental gave me the concept that I had a god lay that aside

I come up with the conception of god however inadequate and I was able to do that and the conception that I came up with all the things that I would want in a parent or a best friend and become willing to believe and my new found construction

hi my book it shows me I'm in fact I'm going on my way

to this relationship with god and the beginnings

of removing the spiritual malady from my life

because once I believe that god will do something for me that I'm unable to do for myself and I make that decision and three to let god do that for me

I'm going to have certain things that come to life

it is perhaps the first time ever

that I began to be somewhat right sized

and realizing that god is and I'm very limited I never ever knew that

because when things go your way when you feel empowered you don't think that god is of any use of consequence

so bearing in mind that I conceded to my innermost self

those three curtain and ideas my book says I'm at step three

and step three is a decision to turn my will which is my thinking

and that's a good thing

because all action at the conscious level is preceded by four

so therefore what I think I do

and I look back on my life and I so my life was a mess and I realized it was my thinking that created the actions that put me into that mess

so I'm making a decision to turn that thinking

over to the care and direction of my new conception of god

that loving unconditional non judgmental

all powerful all knowledgeable loving creator

and I did that I made that decision

and my book says as a result of making that decision

they have a new employer

and I had to think for a moment

it was a very appropriate terminology because I had a drinking career

I might change can Correa alcoholic drinking career lasted nineteen years

being that I have a new employer I have a new career

hi my books as being more powerful monsoon ploy will provide what I needed

if I kept close to him

and how do I do that if god wills it within and I'm convinced that it does I have to remove those things that separate me from god

and perform his work well

well what is that me well I think there were two things first of all put nothing else before me and god and help my fellow man I think that's a good place to begin

I know all sorts of wonderful results out of doing that

there is nothing at all in my experience that's negative about making that decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of god

the only thing that changed your Houston may is if I don't

and I said the third step press

with my sponsor and we know

when I said the third step Pratt and I voice this decision

without reservation

because I have to abandon myself about a week ago

not just the alcohol

and as I continued in this process I began to see what the other wing was

I made this decision

my book says that unless I take further action

after making my decision step three could have little permanent effect and that makes sense to me because the decision simply means to make up my mind to do something I decided to come here tonight does that mean I was here now

it means I made up my mind to come here

in order to their fruition

I had to take action on that court

and the action was to get in my car and drive here and then I got results the result was I carried out the decision

and the same thing with step three I am making a decision

to turn my thinking and my actions over to the care of god so I need to take some action to carry out that decision

my book says that I need to take an inventory at once I need to find the things within that are blocking me from god

little was but a symptom

so now I have to get them to courses and conditions if god wills inside of me and I'm convinced that god does that I don't have far to look

what I have to find out is what is suppressing the sunlight in the spirit

what is creating that spiritual malady

why is my life on manageable so why am I having problem with personal relationships why am I afraid of misery and depression why do I feel useless

why and I'm sober

I need to find this out

I don't know anybody that's done a four step drunk I'm sure they're all

so when you do a force when I did a four step I was sober and I was having these problems I can't blame the alcohol any longer

the alcohol is not an issue once it's out of my system

so I look at myself and my book says when the spiritual malady is overcome

I straighten out mentally and physically

I had a problem with that the cost to me I straightened out I believe physically before anything else because I gained weight I was malnutrition when I went into rehab I gain weight I was feeling better physically

but I don't think they mean just how I feel inside I believe that physical dimension is my relationship to anything of the material of physical nature and part of that

that's how I feel inside part of that is how I treat other people

how I treat my possessions

or anything that is material

and I took a long time in my books is when the spiritual reality is overcome I began to address that when I made that decision to let god direct my thinking

the book says there were three manifestations of self

resentment fear and home stuff on this I needed to look at that and I inventory that

prior to the instructions for each of these three inventories and says I have to write this down this is not something I do orally I mean the inventory now this is not something I do Orley this is something that I do with pen and paper and it does make sense because by definition and inventories a written list of items

in one few opposition it doesn't mean a life story

when a business take inventory they don't write the history

they write down what's on the shelf what's selling

they're going to keep what's not selling they're going to get rid of

I need to find out what is not showing in my stock

and I need to find a way to get rid of that

and that's what this process was about for me

and I listed my resentments

top to bottom the call is what part of self is affected and then I found out the most revealing thing that I've ever seen in my life

it's regarding what these people did to me

I look for I was in for I never did that in my life do you know why if I needed to look at me then I might have to change if I looked at you I don't have to take responsibility but I never got well changing anybody and believe me I made a career that

I think the ten step long before I came into a

I continue to take personal inventory and promptly admitted when you were wrong

I took a look at these things

I took a look at my thinking

and I saw that it was my thinking

that creates the actions that put me in a position to harm people

to be fearful and to be resentful I'm gonna repeat that

it was my thinking

that created the actions that put me in the position

the blocked god from my life

people are blocking me from god you can tell me whatever you want to tell

it's what I do with that that determines whether it's going to be injurious or whether I'm gonna let it go another thing I found out

is that it's not so much letting go of things it's why am I holding on to these things because I don't hold on to anything I don't use

as a sick individual who was suffering

these things that blocked me or from god or at one point in my life survival skills for example I resented the whole world I didn't have to look at myself I create everything kept me doing those things that that that kept me sick and prevented me from doing things that would get me better

I never ever saw this it was impossible for me to see these things in my head

and I had my inventory sheets

and I went to my sponsor

and I shed my footsteps I share all my life story regarding those things that blocked me off from god my resentments my fears my hopes to others for sexual and non sexual

I was at a point

right began to see

these things were so objectionable committee

that I didn't want any longer

I sponsor says to me how it

but I want you to do

yes I want you to go to a quiet place

and I want you to spend an hour

the first half hour what I would like you to do is be still

and the second half hour what I would like you to do is go through the first five proposals

and then self if you have a minute anything you have a reservation or looking notion that someday you'll be able to drink with impunity

do you believe that god is going to do for you what you can do for yourself

have you made a decision to turn everything over finally

have you left anything out of the force that they may come back some day and handing you

have you shared everything in your first step with me

and I did that I spent the first half hour communing with god

and I spent the second half hour

looking at those first five proposals and I ask myself questions have you admitted anything if you work solid so far the steps properly in place have you skimped on anything

because you can't make moral without sand

is there

and when I answered to my satisfaction

I came back with my sponsor

ASP those questions and I said yes I could answer to my satisfaction that everything is solid so far he says Howard remember your building on ahch to which you shall walk a free man at last

you're not going to be dominated

by alcohol any longer

he said the are you willing to get rid of these things

these defects that created this action that created your life you willing to get rid of these things

I said yes he says are you sure

he says yes I said yes he says well then you've completed steps six one highly rated have god remove all these defects of character even though my vocals and things that are objectionable

the light is different words they were objectionable to me he used a different terminology at the exact right spot these things became objectionable to me

it wasn't the people that were objectionable to me from time to time some people still on

it was the thinking the defective spanking that created my life

that was the objectionable Hey

and he said he ready to ask god to bring things from your life

and I said certainly I am

I went out on

and I did the seven step press

I will quiet for some time

and he said to me this is what I would like you to do

he said you know by now

that if god remove something

something has to take its place

he gave me this terminology that was foreign to me at the time this is how would nature pours about can I look at this man let us I didn't know about no vacuum or pouring you know what I'm saying

I said oh yeah

he said if god remove something from you and there's an empty space in your head something has got to fill it in that makes sense and

because I had tried this when I was newly Selva I have tried this process and I did my second six and seven step

hi my sponsor that time says well you've done that's it and three weeks later I got a tap on the shoulder after like shoprite Milburn

and the guy says I saw what you put in your pants

because I looked at something I'm ashamed to say and you know one of my first thoughts was we have to section seven

what's with this program

these are the steps I took

thank god I think god is going alright without sixty seven

this is how it he says this is what I would like you to do

he says I would like you to write a list of the things you find objectionable

I put him on one side of the paper

and I had those five character defects that step for talks about and I have the seven deadly sins

I must have had I don't know about fifteen defects of character

and he said on the other side of the piece of paper

he says I would like you to write down the things that you would like god to replace this with

and I did ironically

it was the opposite of what I didn't want any longer

I think so let's say the seven step Pratt

and he said at the same time he said after we say the prayer what I'd like you to do is I'd like you to ask god to remove the defect and give you the strength to replace it

with the asset do you think you could do that

I said yes

so for the longest time

as part of my morning discipline

god bless after I said my search that prayer and my seven step program I would say something like this dear god

please take away my selfishness and help me to be unselfish

dear god please take away my dishonesty and help me to be honest and I did this with all my character defects

and then after about a week to sell us is how much longer do I have to do this

and he said unto you see some changes in your life

and I never asked him again how long I would have to do this

over a period of years

I developed a series of mental habits

things that I use over and over and over again because they work for me for example somebody would ask me a question and I live did you do this now

are you drinking too much now

did you leave the lights on no

I developed a habit

of coming up with excuses that after a period of time hi board into

like any other habit of physical habits

biting your nails picking your cuticles flipping your hair I lost a while ago

in order for me to break a habit

I have to work against the habit

if I'm going to feed into the habit then I'm going to continue to exhibit whatever it is that that habit manifests itself and

so we should have our he says you gotta stop doing what you want to do

said okay he says when the negative for

or destructive force comes into your thinking do not feed into it

he said there's a little period of time I called a window between the four and the action between the desire and the reality is a little bit of time he says in order for it to become a reality I have to wind action to it

and that made a lot of sense to me

what a negative for

come into my head I would train myself not act on that

and the first thing I would do is I would say dear god

please take this phone

that is going to happen overnight

I have a system change over night

I had a really work at this I think the twelve steps as something about practicing

I had a practice this and then he says when you will and not to do the thing he wanted to you gotta be willing to do those things that you don't want to do like tell the truth when you don't want to tell the truth

like be considerate of other people's feelings when you don't want to be considerate of other people's feelings like act on courage when you would rather use it as an excuse

and he says if you continue to do this

you don't do what you wanna do and begin to do those things that you don't want to do before long you're going to make changes he said you're going to change your stock in trade

the analogy that our book is

all the ideas these negative ideas

I'm gonna be cash to one side

and this new set of motives

okay going to begin to dominate your thinking

and you're gonna change your stock in trade

and you're going to become a different person

there's not much information

on step six and seven

the book Alcoholics Anonymous

friend of mine says six and seven unlike the pick and shovel steps he says when you go into the hardware store to buy a pick or shovel you don't get a set of directions what you prepared for back breaking work

the first five steps

put me in a position to become willing to change the course I saw the destructiveness of my life

sixteen seventeen may are really changing steps

any time I don't do what I want to do

and I begin to do those things that I really don't want to do

that creates change because if I continue to do those things that I did

I'm going to continue to get when I got

and I know what I've got I don't want what I got so I gotta be doing something else

this is a wise man

who said to profound things at least in may

the first thing

is that

six S. for daily living requires die

in order for me to live someplace new I gotta die someplace in order for me to live in honestly I have to die and disarm the system

in order for me to live

find selfish I have to die in selfishness

I that made a lot of sense to me

I was very wise man also said

that they are transformed

change by the renewing of their minds by the spiritual changing of their thinking

and I said while

this stuff was written thousands of years ago and it makes sense for me today in order for me to change I have to change my thinking

but if I could change my thinking on my own I would have never been put in this situation it's like when you burn your hand a couple of times you careful around hot things

when you walk in my particular case I continue to live and I always felt terrible about line but it was the lesser of two evils

I felt guilty but it was better than taking responsibility

I have to be willing to change that

and there's only one thing

that made me willing

and that's the pain and humiliation and degradation of a life for myself well

I began to practice the steps

on a daily basis I began to see that I responded to people differently rather than re active and

and also people started to make comments about me that were positive

and for illegal maniac with an inferiority complex when somebody starts to compliment me that's a wonderful wonderful thing

so I got positive reinforcement

not only from the fellowship with friends outside of this fellowship and family

this was a wonderful growth opportunity for me to do

and I'm very very blessed that I had direction on how to do it I think that is enough a holic

I'm one of the most but plus people in the world

because of my alcoholism

I came into a fellowship

I was in this fellowship

you presented me with the program

I when I apply these principles up until this point into my life

I changed

I know many people with spiritual maladies I'm one of nine children C. chain I came from a dysfunctional neighborhood

and I learned most of my information on the street corner

I'm one of nine children

and as far as I know

I'm the only alcoholic but my other siblings are resentful

they're fearful and they continue to harm each other

my mother used to say you put two ends against the middle and they're good at that one against the other now when you spiritually saying you don't do those sort of things I need people an alcoholic and because they're not a holic they don't seek a spiritual remedy because what they know is or may think they know they don't know anything else

I'm because of my condition

optics issue catapulted

not that doesn't say we easily

it uses the word watch

catapult

I mean

these are incredible words when you think about

I'm grateful I'm an alcoholic I'm grateful that I had this condition

which required help

what I've said is that there are many people who have this condition who was sick

and what makes me even sadder is that many of them are in off our ship

passel really saddens me

I think that's a tragedy

but with groups like this and other groups that are springing about maybe we can carry the message and therefore people will have an awakening sufficient to recover

I said we've done a hell

now mind you the my my fish that was about

I'd say almost three hours

I I I I took the hour

and then went back into this and now we're into almost almost five hours now

and

he said this

another dimention

that

you have to get right with

I said oh

okay he says now we're going to look at the physical dimension he says four through seven we look at the mental dimention

eight nine we're going to look at the physical dimension

my relationship to the world and its people

we need to take a look at that he says I know we've done a lot of work and I know you're clearing away some wreckage

but he said you need to clear away the guilt and remorse and the fear associated with these harms this is remember you decided to abandon yourself

this is all part of the finally

he says we need to write a list

of the people to whom the Hong

and he said we're going to take it from the first column okay four stab

and I twenty eight names on my resentment inventory

I can't remember how many I had on my hero my homes but it was significant

and he said you're gonna take

the name offer that first column that you believe you will want a man to

and I did and I can't remember how many I have but but there was quite a bit it was a yellow tablet the law the legal analyst that was filled

and you know we always said do you think you could do it as well I mean like you gave me a choice like you probably alcohol do you think you could do

so I wanted I wanted to clear away this wreckage because I knew what was blocking me

and I know I want to be blocked any longer so I wrote down my list

and this is what I like to do

as I like to take this list

and I would like you to divide it into four less imagine going to make now waited maybe never

and he said on a level this

I want you to put down

the names of the people who you think you might injure if you made amends for that I mean smiled because he knew

he knows he's done this before

and as a person was done with other people before there are a lot of numbers with people like you don't want to go but you need to go to

anyway I took that list

and I wrote down for less the the the

the full listen I wrote down the names

I

I started off

with my family

and I'll never forget

one and then that I made

was to my sister they were driving to my parents cemetery in cypress hills queens I will or on

not queens Boulevard correct we're on queens Boulevard and I was driving I made the approach to the system

and she looked at me and I was looking ahead of me but I could see out of the stands on the corner of mile high and she says you know mother said a leopard never changes its spots and I don't see any changes in you so don't be making any image to me because he told me he was sorry over and over and over again and I was mortified

I have to tell you that I mean like I didn't know what to say and is a part of the the broken part of me wanted to lash out at this poor girl I know for sure

she would have been correct

so I didn't

so I had a few woman's what people really ripped into

step nine it's a pretty definitive step

may direct the mansa search people wherever possible

except when to do so would injure them or others

so it tells me what kind of man to have to make which is direct face to face

and it tells me I want to make it more of a possible

that whenever

but wherever and it tells me when I can make it except when to do so would injure them or others

so this step is pretty definitive in itself

and what do I need to make a direct the man well

I can call somebody but the chances are you didn't hurt them on the phone

I could write a letter to somebody and the changes I don't hurt them in a letter

the chances are that I hurt the individual face to face some way or maybe spoke about him behind his back for her back that sort of thing

another thing is that if I don't go face to face

I will never know how that person received the email and I will never know

what his reaction might be if I see him again for instance if I write somebody a letter off I speak to somebody on the phone

it's really not doing my utmost and less that's the only way I can do it because they are cross country or something like that

but if I make a face to face I recommend with somebody and I've done my utmost how do you receive it is your business I know that I'm cleaning off my side of the street and I'm much sweeping it on to somebody else aside you follow what I mean I know that I'm doing my utmost I know that I'm not being critical of the individual that I'm going to make the event

I know was important for me to hear because there were some remains that I did have a right right right let us to

to inform my parents

my parents were deceased

my father died when I was fourteen

my mother died when I was twenty six

I treated my father

after he was dead in a fashion

that for many years I was ashamed of

one would gather together

I family Dennis especially this time of year

and the name of my father's name come up

either way I would say something very derogatory or I'd have to leave the room

I was really

angry at him for dying when I was so young

I thought he left me

I used that resentment

yes my father from the age of fourteen to the age of thirty eight that's twenty four years I use that resentment against my father

very much like that woman in the back of the book

I fan and I said I never cheated

as one might it delicate child

it's taken good care of his resentment I don't hold on to anything I don't use

so the question is how to use it they give me excuses for my lack of education lan adequacy my relationship and my alcoholism

that is very important to me that we sent

the following

well my father's name came up I made sure you knew that I was ticked off at him that he had left me and took me talking to me about my lifestyle

that's why transfer blame the purpose of resentment

when I saw it on paper

my four step and **** in my face that

I was free and that it was like a cleansing

and I wrote my father a letter

I didn't get many personal things after my father died

but one of the things that I got bush's pocket pen

and the man always use green ink I still have it it was a green pen with gold cap

and I think Parker spear right you're looking at a little a little

No wasn't too hot and it was like it was like I was like at the end of the end of a narrow beds

all I wanna know what I'm talking

I want my board green ink

and I feel that sucker up with greening

I wrote my father allowed

and I shared with him

what I did with that resentment that I had to have

and there's really no way that I could make that up to the man he's dead and buried god rest his soul but I'm one in nine kids I think I'm the only one that takes care of the cemetery plot inside sales