Steps 1 and 2 at the Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

I like to introduce our guest speaker for the month of March

and that would be Kerry see from Harrison New Jersey and she will be speaking tonight on her story in steps one and two

hi I am Karen and I'm calling

my sobriety dated September sixth nineteen ninety four and my home group is the week that was in that column I always get that away it's kind of a habit of speaking my homework requirements

this is weird you know

one I don't speak a lot I took a year off from speaking because I got a little too involved in my ego like alcoholics like video especially me and I needed to get quiet and I did so so this is like I I've gone on maybe two speaking commitments in the past year three or three this is my fourth so I'm it was really interesting is I've no idea what's going to come out of my mouth

which is good because I'm not allowed on or at least not controlling and I really don't know what my

with my current experience with the steps are because

I haven't really thought about it I just been doing them I used to think all the time about like how I'm going to execute the steps like I was a battle plan against my ego in my will and I was just thinking to myself more

and today I live them and and but what what I like about speaking is that I get to it up here that I get to really reflect on what you know what's really been going on or how do I really do this and sharing it with pharmacies or

carrying the message is when I really get in a good look at what I'm doing in my life I think that's why it's the foundation stone of a fellowship you know writing inventory in doing that yeah it clears me up but it's about talking about my life that I get a good look at what I'm who I am and how I fit in it you know so you know it talking about my first death in my stories kind interesting his name was never do that even when I go on a speaking commitment because most of the time when I walk into a speaker meeting I want to get as much information about alcoholism in the program into that twenty minutes that I have to talk to most of time I talk in relationship to the first step about craving mental obsession and we talk a lot about my story and it's all because it's not really that long

I guess already eighteen and I started drinking at nine you know like I've actually as of September knock wood

I will be sober as long as I drank

god willing which isn't to become a really cool experience I hope you know maybe my caramel bounce out there

so we started beginning because I have an hour and I will fill it

and

I am I was born in Irish Catholic family I'm bill arms that baby I was born my mother was I believe she was forty she said she was thirty nine but I do the math I think she was forty and my dad was forty two so I was unexpected

very

I was a mid life crisis of sorts my dad was very proud of that you know they had got my mom pregnant at forty I guess it was a validation of his manhood

although they complain today because you know I'm twenty six and I have two kids and they babysit all the time they're like you know what do you do you know when you'll be less dependent upon me and I'm like Hey you know you're the one who decided to have a kid at forty I can help you sixty seven now and

I think you're still dealing with the consequences of having young adults for children not my fault so I

okay so back to the story so

I am

I

I still actually I was born into a household full of teenagers and my old it might

the second to youngest sibling was ten when I was born so

more Irish so we have that whole like alcoholism gene you know if you want to call it that and I don't really know I don't know much about genetic so although I don't really know where I call him again there's a lot of theories on it I don't really know I just know I have it at home I don't think I was born broke and that's something I clear it really right away when I talk about alcoholism I don't believe that god doesn't anybody I don't think anybody's really broke my belief I think it's just a perception of broking that breaks my

because deep down underneath all of this there is a divine being that lives within my soul what is my soul lives within me and that is not broken just the names in the places in the face

identities that I put on top of that confuses me so I don't look at it as broken anymore look at is the meat that sometimes my my ego my self perception is amazing I get lost because sometimes I go right to the cheese

yeah I'm I'm sorry I'm studying to be a religion school it comes out

anyway so I don't think I was born broken but I was broke I was born into a very disorganised household I am

there are four people in my family who for children who have a problem with substances I cannot say whether an alcoholic or not because they do not state or local public so I choose not to I can say that they have struggled with substances in their lives there's one sibling my oldest sister who does not have an alcohol problem she gets tired after a glass of wine which I do not understand

but you know she has her own you know psychosis you know that whole Allen on thing living with alcoholic you drive you crazy

so

Lee I was born into a house with a lot of alcoholics and

I don't believe that my family situation made me an alcoholic I do not believe that my parents failure to do anything made me an alcoholic I don't think it had much to do with my character

I really think I can remember being scared since I was five I can remember I can remember wanting to be a princess when I was a little girl like I thought I had that thing like I wanted to be the best I wanted to be special and there and I also was convinced I was adopted I had to get out because I could not be one of the people I believe that that that I was that I was adopted and that there was just like a family that was wealthy and attractive and normal and they were looking for me and that they were gonna come find me I would I would not want to these crazy Irish people

that wasn't true unfortunately I am biologically related to my family

but the point was that I I had that grandiosity ahead and insecurity not had that need to be special for for as long as I can remember

I don't know why it's there but I know I had it so I grew up in the household and I don't

I want you know a lot of things happened to me in my life all things have to a lot of drugs and when I tell my story I I touch on some of the more more painful and some of the more funny things because I believe today I believe that when I talk about alcoholism and I'm talking about myself in my experience and how I got here I think come here at eighteen and I walk into the rooms the first time at thirteen because I was okay

and I've been working here because

because for any other reason than I was I was really desperately in trouble and I had no idea what to do

and I didn't get that way

I got that we pretty quickly and it makes sense when I talk about a little bit about my life to understand how desperate I got or how why I got as desperate as I was when I came in I don't think that I would have grabbed onto the program the way that I did if I wasn't as screwed up as I was when I was eighteen

but so I grew up in this very disorganised household with a lot of drugs and a lot of physical abuse a lot of neglect and not a lot of stuff going on in my house and it wasn't my parents fault you know and I and I don't say that as a whitewash a lot of people get appears I don't think it's my parents fault but they because our parents my parents are babysitting my children and we have a beautiful relationship I have had it I have not yelled at my mother in three years

I trust me anybody who knew me way back when

I could not speak to my mother without screaming I hated her guts I cleaned up everything that happened in my life so when I say that I don't think it was my parents fault I really believe in my heart that it was not my parents fault but they had a lot on their plate they had

my brother John was addicted to heroin my sister my sister friend he was an alcoholic and my brother Jimmy was an alcoholic and I was a little kid and not there's only so much that you can handle it as a human being and I don't think that they realize that there were things that they were not seeing that was going on in my life

and because of that I spent a lot of times hitting a lot of time hating myself and blaming them

and did as might you know as my alcoholism and that's my disease progressed

I spent a lot of time trying to die

because I believe that if my parents didn't protect me that they didn't love me therefore I wasn't worth living

no I will talk about when I get the four seventy take all the one of the things I discovered about belief system but just one of them

so

just a lot of stuff went down and not and I was a really I got to be a very scared and confused little girl and I remember having a nervous breakdown right I didn't know it was nervous breakdown but I would cry every day until I have personally did I couldn't feel my hands in my face

and I would just cry I didn't even really know why and years of therapy some steps and I know exactly why I was crying but then I just was confused and I found out that if I lied that I would feel less alone and I thought that's where part of where I made the equation people people people Love Me people except me equals Adam okay you know and I made a lot of equations I created a whole kind of algebra cold carries algebra in in my life and I'm in in in my disease in in in in our my sickness and

and I made that connection you know I found out that if I lied by pretending to be somebody else that I would feel less alone

so I did that and I'll tell you I spent ten years doing that

and I

and you never feel more alone when you're lying I don't know about you you know one of my favorite one of my favorite spiritual teachers Marianne Williamson used to say you know you talk about how how you know we put up this this wall with this this match saying you know like we like we like we all do whatever you want me to be deep down inside knowing that we're not that answers you find that out you're gonna leave

you know and so I had this terrifying fear of abandonment because I knew that I wasn't the person I was pretending to be at nine years old I knew that

but I also didn't know how to get people Love Me without being what they wanted me to be

you know and and the pain in the end when they did find out the rejection and the feelings of worthlessness and and the fear

you know and that was nine and that's pretty much when I found out about it cool

I don't drink because I liked it or I like the taste of it I should say I drank because it was a solution I didn't know what the solution then yeah I had made and I make a lot of because I'd make a lot of equations in my life that I had no idea that I had made I know that I saw I saw my brothers and sisters drinking and they were cool my brother Jimmy thought it was Jim Morrison for a little while he's like it was really cool and my brother John you mean here he was my idol he was the coolest guy in the world and I would do anything for and my sister Franny what she kind of lived in a room after she stopped drinking but when she came out she was pretty cool too

so

so essentially I made I made another question that if I drank enough I was bad I was cool

so I have like this this kind of tug of war within me about being a bad girl or a good girl and that most women can understand that I wanted to I wanted to be good and be accepted and I wanted to be like a little girl I wanted to praise but I also knew that if I tried and I failed then I'd be nothing

and that if I rebelled then if I was rejecting you

I didn't need you

you know and

and so I did that too and that was all around the same time I picked up a drink so

as and it will you know I think it's over eighteen so like this is a pretty short story I'm still talking about nine because there's not much left because a lot of the same stuff

but so

I deep down inside I begin to believe that I was crazy

you know I knew I was crazy and I

and I did things that were crazy I still like no reason I go to Woolworths man I had to go make those demands they were terrible I shouldn't much freedom and I never had to make because I got to going to CVS and save thirty dollars for you know thirty dollars worth of merchandise from you you know ten years ago you want to back

the freeing but now that I don't shop in there and it's like they know I did what I was told that people you know clicking maniac keep an eye on her now that

it was really Frank but I just I stole I lied I acted out and I and I started drinking and I can remember it like actually my first glass of wine was given to me on thanksgiving my parents gave it to me and I loved it I remember feeling really adult because it was like in the class it was like this awesome class and like I don't I never knew I had left after that

you know kind of like that is

but it was like really cool looking I felt very lucky you know I remember holding it like after something like that I don't know

and it wasn't though but I do remember holding it like I'm cool

I'm not sure if you have been for a little bit K.

so what I can the first time I drank on my own was like when I was nine and I just remember the good Amerada

stuff like that around the house I mean my parents are not alcoholics

we did poor things I mean the poor you know

if they had known they getting together was going to create for alcohol you know for alcohol and drug dependent children at at at I don't know if they would have done so but

they got together tonight in the naive ness and they're pretty normal people I'm sure they could benefit from therapy but for all intensive purposes they don't have

the same kind of compulsive problems that I have but I'd

you know they they had they they were pretty normal people or consider on so there's ample around the house it was drinking but it wasn't the same kind of taking my parents interact with my brothers and sisters bank so again it when I talk about this I'm I'm saying that I didn't he I saw normal drinkers and I saw alcoholics and I was drawn to the alcoholic type drink

you know I'm not one these people you know who said well I you know I never knew you could just have to I think you know my mother we get drunk like you know at a wedding and she laughed and talk really loud you know I would get to a specified I would throw up and I would steal or break something or

you know I I mean I got a police escort to re have I mean I was not one of those

I was not one of those drugs that just talked a little loud I mean I talk loud I was very I I did see the other thing I learned I was very loud and very very folder I mean like I learned that if I curse my talk like a truck driver and

and if I was like boisterous that people would pay attention you know and and that was something I craved so

I did that and and and I did that with the drinking like I you know what common I I go to go to school and I have like my bottle of Snapple filled with you know Jack Daniels and I stay in you know and I just thought I was the coolest thing in the world you know and if you roll out about it stupid I think it caught all the time because I feel like you know like I'm Trish you know and then I get caught him to rehab or

find out of whatever like I wasn't a smart alcoholic he just would not I don't think people get sober young are smart alcoholics the minute those people who last a long time for smart alcoholics you know who can like

you know like the the people who swing off the bottle I didn't do that I smash the furniture I wanted to be Jim Morrison at one point I use my I don't you know

so that the kind of drunk I was so

I I got into middle school and and the facade of being a good girl kind of slipped away I felt that pull you know like in the end the playground I was like a bad bro make her spend the classroom I was a good little girl and when I was in seventh grade the

this is not in a good girl passed fell away because I I went from like this little elementary school and a group of Bloomfield to like this huge junior high school and or every you know every seventh and eighth grader from the whole town went there and I I didn't have a place

I was skinny and that and they would that they were like this was Bloomfield in the late eighties so we're talking big hair spandex

I owe you have reaching that was not me was not me my mother didn't let me wear hair spray or make up you know I had to like put it my backpacking you dressed in in the girls bathroom my parents were really strict

I couldn't keep my you know and I can keep my hair can anything so it's like I was like a total outcast you know and and I I at that point was like a I just was like I'm not trying anymore and that's the story of of my alcoholism I stop trying

and I and I reveled in on and being defiant and then breaking the rules and not and shocking people and being rude and not hurting people and not caring

at my mother couple years ago when the move that when the movie girl interrupted came out my mother said to me she was like a you know you should watch that movie because it's your story

and she didn't tell me which one of the girls I was

you know whether I was Winona Ryder or Angelina Jolie

and today I think I was a little bit of both you know I was that depressed suicidal girl and then I would I've actually between being extraordinarily anti social and violent drinking or suicidal in my room and drinking you know it yeah I I I I you know eventually between those two things but essentially I was extraordinarily self destructive

so as things progress let's just say I didn't do real well in middle school or or it's great I get by had to go to summer school for algebra I went to summer school for out of a like every year

you know I'm actually passing college out over this year and I'm amazed I'm like oh my god I have a brief hold

he still rushed out to try to look at

you think you can add

hi

I didn't think I could

but anyway so I struggled academically and I wasn't sure I was pretty pretty intelligent I was in the academically talented students and when I got into middle school and when I left I was not I'd gone from like A. one to B. two you know that's how they they they they did this thing called tracking and and in Bloomfield and so

I have my my my grades slipped significantly in anybody knows what a brown hat groundhog the great hog I am today I wanted even hello you know I am about my great you'll realize that that was a really bad thing like I'm somebody who will

who do extra credit to get you know to get a ninety two rather than the eighty nine I got one eighty nine in college thus far okay I'm like really anal retentive about my grades and studying so for me to let my great goal like that and to to just give up academically was a humongous things because I had a big identity and being intelligent being feeling superior and knowing more than everybody else I still do sometimes but I'm

the point is is that that

right I do all the time

that that that that that area

I gave up on entirely and that was something that

I think that for me was really the beginning to the beginning of a downward spiral because I got into high school and I never went to class

I don't remember ever doing homework

I don't remember showing up for the first two periods of school I should offer his because I like and I would debate with my history teacher and mostly what I did was I either drank or I hit at home

like I was one of those kids who would ship who would show up to school go in the front door and go out the back like and I would just walk out like no one noticed I just sneak out by the bedroom door you know and I would just leave and I will go home and I would go back under the blanket with my bottle in my car to

you know and and that characterize my high school career most of the time except for when I was in school and then I get to spend it for doing something violent

so

I was really really unmanageable and my parents sent me to therapy and so I started complaining about how what horrible parents they work you know and I really want my service to be on my side I was really angry he he didn't necessarily agree that it was all their fault she said something about me having a borderline personality but okay

but I think it was just I think it was just because my parents convinced or not but I went to therapy and I you know and I would I would I do I had to shoot a quick stay in a hospital in

you know and I I mine the last couple years my drinking was really characterized between south from the psych ward flight deck I went from one high school to another I could not I couldn't I couldn't behave

I couldn't stay there I would get panic attacks I have to go home and I have to get on the couch with a bottle and when I was in school I was with my friends doing what I do best hiding in the girls room with a bottle of

we're going to Dunkin donuts and you know meeting up and getting some you know going to liquor store on so

I couldn't handle being in public like I just could not straight

and I couldn't handle I would always have I don't have like different groups of friends like I had a friend for each personality I think a lot of personality when I read people I was like oh my god the mobile personality my story you know because I really did I had a lot of different personalities and I had different groups reach personality and and I could maintain any route any extended relationships with any one person because I had no idea how to be a friend I had no idea how to have a relationship

so I would I have a group of friends and I would wear them out and I go to our next group of friends and I beat I reinvent myself each time I was like Madonna you know every time I had a new group of friends I was an entirely new person

you know and

I fail my ninth grade year I thank my sister's house after after I got driven to carriers that in the intake office

and my parents I convinced the intake people

time that that I didn't need to go to rehab that I was okay and that it was just a drug dealer boyfriend that I was dating patterns and that was the problem

so I thought that I was gonna get away with living the way I continue to live but instead my mother ship me off to Pennsylvania to live with my sister who is the middle of getting divorced and have four kids

which you did live in the woods so it's a lot harder to get in trouble but I managed

I wanna getting suspended within the first couple months of being in school because I threatened to kill a teacher I didn't realize that they could get for that year's like

I really don't know

but I mean I just principal over card not like I'm going to do it

but had he not been yet I mean thank you you know those people in the in in the Boondocks you know they just pick that up so curiously so like I think the first two months of school that I'd gotten suspended for threatening to kill a teacher

I was thinking I was on medication because they decided I was depressed because I started prescribing something called Mel real when anybody knows that that's kind of like Ritalin

you're really wondering what that

you know when you're going around that stuff essentially though within the first within the first five months of living in Pennsylvania my aunt died and my aunt was

in the whole chaos of my childhood my aunt was the only person who really talk to me

she was the only one who took care of me the only one who spent any significant amount of time with me and he did that because she knew that my brothers and sisters were having problems and he knew that I needed somebody and she happened to be that person for me and I she had a stroke

in November of that year so I got thrown out of my parents have shipped away to Pennsylvania and the one person I love in the world died

and I screwed up in school ready because you know Kerry could not be here because I got there and I think I'm gonna hit I'm gonna reinvent myself this time I can be a pretty good little girl

that lasted a week I shake my head and I just from there from there it just went down

and I love shocking that that that the what I thought were the roots in Pennsylvania bye bye but by my coolness from New Jersey not because I was from metropolitan area and I was cool with bad in

stupid so my aunt died and I spent the next year trying to die myself I tend to do is I nine times I was I had my stomach pumped him four times sometimes my sister found out and sometimes you just I would wake up in the morning so hold on the line

should take more next time

I I just really spend that you're trying to

I felt like anything any reason why I had to live with don

and I frankly though because I was very depressed and less anti social than usual actually passed with with honors at your school and it's mostly most of it was because I lived in the woods literally there was no public transportation there are no sidewalks I was in the woods I could not get out of the house okay and the and I got to school so I had to go my sister you know after twenty five absences that year he said you know you gotta go to school so just by virtue showing up maybe repeating the year I don't know I managed to pass that that you're and do really well and I got accepted to a private school

but I was extraordinarily depressed too so I don't still drinking and I I went to that school I lasted three months and got thrown out and I want and I spent

this is the funny part I got caught up in December I started September I spent

from the middle of October

two the week before no thanks give it was right after thanksgiving in fair oaks so I was really only in school

I don't know how long would that make a month

yeah most of the time I would spend a fair oaks and I managed to get thrown out I wasn't even there so my parents had sent you know obviously me coming to another rehab an adolescent ward in fair oaks and I didn't pay attention I didn't really do anything but people from are the program again that we're bringing meetings in there and I kind of they were young and they were cool and I kinda like them but I wasn't really was willing to stop doing what I was doing

so I am

I filed it away and when I came out of fair oaks I decided that I was going to go I was gonna stop stop drinking and I was consecutively so I started going to meetings I'm not I wouldn't go to a a because I didn't like you a people because you're old

and I'm my cousin was in a a and I don't have to see him I don't you know this whole thing like I thought they were like when a meeting in the town of Louisville are ordered the state of New Jersey like I don't want to go where my cousin went you know because my my cousins got about fifteen years of sobriety to couldn't have fifteen years of sobriety and

eventually he did save my life to bring me to my first day of my first real a meeting so

but anyway I was going to go there because I don't want to see him so I I went to another fellowship and

I didn't get honest I didn't get a sponsor I didn't do anything what I did do is when they make an announcement the very beginning the meeting they say that if you have any drugs or alcohol you should leave it outside the door and so I would wait five minutes after the announcement go have a cigarette kick around the bushes look and see if anybody actually did that

so basically what I want to be doing I was finding people in that fellowship to relax with

I'm not that was fun

they were even more screwed up than my friend my other friend you know kids finding people in the fellowship to relax with the boy I felt really superior and they were way more messed up than me but

but so that's that was my first introduction to the twelve step program other than my brothers and sisters and I have to say that did come into a my I my brothers now sober over ten years and rationed over ten years and my sister came to a a for brief period of time he thinks he's not called so the point is that I came in contact with a I knew people who went to a I mean people who went to the fellowship my brother got sober in a I just

I don't know why but I just wasn't going to go there I didn't want I didn't want to have to do with my family and that's true and I thought that if I went to a I wouldn't have to run into their friends those people my cousin my brother my sister whatever and I wouldn't have to deal with that and I don't want to so I had another fellowship and I just got high

and

it wasn't until

I got a police escort to carrier

that I have made a serious attempt to get sober essentially I'd run away I was sixteen seventeen

and

I I I you know I've gotten thrown out of a nice little Catholic school and end up back in a public school that throwing out the first place my sister and I had the distinction of being the two girls you too the only girls have been thrown out of local high school up until that point I wish I had a lot of fires

don't ask I

but anyway I and I wind up getting I want a running away coming home and I want him to steal because I was a very very very big my poor family I thought they owed me something so I took it

so I am

I ran away came home to steal my mother was waiting for me because she was no dummy

she had been around the block a few times with my brothers and sisters and she went to L. nine Q. Martin that he went to therapy and she was not going to do the same make the same mistakes that you made before which I did at that time because I was like Hey you know they got away with a hell of a lot I don't get away with nothing ship me off to hospitals in

let me you know John getting away with it why don't

then it is time to my my brother wasn't over and he was on heroin and so that my mother had her hands full big time and and she'd waited home for me to

you can find me and make me go to rehab and I looked at her and I'm like screw you and I walked off with my friends I hung up the park and I waited to see what I thought was her car leaving the house and it didn't because she was no dummy and so I am

want to go breaking my heart my parents house

and

she called the cops on me and I had a big fight with about six or seven up local police officers I want them to help them kick them screams like a crazy woman and they brought me to the police station and from there they drove me to carrier they waited till I was brought up to the locked ward before they left they literally escorted me with the aid of from carrier into the adolescent ward then they let me

so I and I I had at that point in time I knew that my life is a manageable I knew that I was going to die

but I really wasn't willing to stop doing a lot of the things I was doing I just one of the consequences

so I did go run after about a year and I lied and I stole and I manipulated and

I have used I thought yeah I thought that had meds were different than alcohol I had a conflict

prescription drugs and alcohol are different I mean AA I could take you know

more of my medication and that's okay because I'm not drinking I don't really understand that whole principle abstinence from everything so I spent I spent a year in a in young people's meeting lying crying not getting sober but lot but thinking that I was over because I wasn't drinking

and I wasn't taking illegal drugs

like there's a distinction

so I wonder getting involved with somebody I want to thirteen well I don't really care to step in because I was over but

what do you like three days back and I'm like he dumb and he's mine

so I I saw him and I was seventeen when I met him and I was eighteen when we got together and I trying to say and I don't want her to about getting together with him because this whole thing of like I'll get you sober sort of thing doesn't work stop taking my medication you know like as I ran with my parents house and I'm seventeen and I moved in with a guy that I was manipulating from a

the state his house while out while I was

hi my parents I quit school I am not quite equipped school I just stopped going

and I

and I ran I looked on mother's day actually because I was that sick I hate my mother that much that I left on mother's day I had no idea that she spent an entire week crying because of

she lost her baby daughter mothers day with a biker a big twenty eight year old biker

okay

I did motorcycle and he was a big hairy tattooed my poor mother

so I was living with him in if you're letting him until I found my next victim which I did and I went to live with him

and we relaxed and it was that was the bottom for me because I all the Nile that I was an alcoholic was stripped away right then and there

and for a long time okay well I'm a drug addict and alcoholic I'm young I'm potential alcoholic I'm not like you people I hadn't had alcohol in my system and out well over a year and when I realized I drink and I did it R. four five hundred two kilo half a pack his email because of course I had to try that

an entire bottle of cool breeze and that was the beginning

I call every guy is what I used to take in high school is being Dr