Betsy M. from Centreville, MD Sunday Morning Speaker in Göteborg, Sweden

hi

very kind I'm an addict in my name is Betsy

hi I'm a little bit terrified

animal trapped in the head like sort of sense but

you know I got down on my knees in the bathroom before the meeting started and I prayed that god would Kerry me through when I cannot walk through alone and so far he has

I would first of all like to thank god for allowing me to be here I would like to send our **** nana's for allowing me to be here and I would like to thank the convention committee for inviting me it is truly a privilege and an honor to service fellowship to save my life so thank you for that privilege

the conventions team is free to live and I really think that

there couldn't be a more appropriate conventions team

I would like to share with you a little bit about my experience strength and hope

can you hear me

okay

I am from America I was born in Washington DC

I came from an upper middle class family I have two wonderful loving parents who are still merry I have an older brother who is a jerk like most older brothers

and

you know I had a very fortunate childhood I had a pony I had piano lessons I never wanted her for anything really all of my needs were met growing up and

because of my parents loved me and and I'm very blessed for that

when I was fourteen I think that my first driving that was alcohol I was at a party and I drink myself into a black out the very from the very first time I was allowed to do it on my own without without supervision address and so I was in a blackout and I was fourteen years old and I threw myself at this eighteen year old guy who was at the party and I made a complete **** of myself and I ended up sleeping we are at a bar and I ended up sleeping like in a stall and and I look at the next day and I thought it was great

good times

you know and I mean people are making fun of me the next day I had humiliated myself but you know what I thought I thought that I was cool and that

you know I had a you know that please choose so crazy last night you know and I got I got to go with that you know and I thought that was great and

my using that time I even started and basically through high school I didn't use often and I only use alcohol in high school and every time I drank I got myself into a blackout

then like I said I'm fortunate I have let him hear it from an upper middle class family and they sent me to college they sent me I decided to go like six hours away from home so I could be away like from my parents and I went to college in Radford Virginia

and

basically as soon as I got there my life became Harding that's all it was about my first semester of my freshman year my GPA was a one point six which I don't know if with that guy but that if that means anything to you about what it means to me I was sailing out my very first semester out of it because of a tendon because I would get so **** up at night and in the morning I couldn't get up and go to class

I would crawl home drunk five nights a week I would do anything that anybody had any of the parties that I was that I went completely HM for no apparent reason I just I mean for me there's no rhyme or reason to my disease it is I accept that I'm an addict and I don't I didn't you know there's no reason other than the fact that I'm an addict for what it is that I became

you know

I started banging every guy that wanted to have sex with me

I became a complete flat

and I don't have any qualms about telling you that I mean my active addiction and and the reason I don't have any qualms about telling you that it's because thank god thank our path and honestly I'm not that person I don't have to be ashamed of who I was because I know that anymore it's not a reflection on me anymore

I became a complete flight I was failing out of school my life is completely unmanageable and I was in a lot of pain I was in a lot of pain and I was all smiles on the outside and I was you know real happy go lucky on the outside but I hated myself and I hated when I was doing I didn't understand it my life was complete chaos and

my sophomore year of college I drank a fifth of vodka I followed everything in the medicine cabinet my slippers on my right

because I was so tired of feeling the pain that myself in my so I felt black inside I felt like I had this vacuum in my soul where nothing once and I didn't care what I didn't care about other people I couldn't feel love I couldn't feel anything I just felt team and I was so tired that I didn't want to live anymore

I was nineteen years old

and nothing really bad ever happened to me I just wanted to die because I was completely out of control and I hated myself my addiction with taking my ****

so I got my first

visits to my first institution I was committed against my will to a psychiatric hospital in Radford Virginia I was put and I was pissed off about it too

I was pissed off about it they locked me down against my will and they called my **** Perrin can you believe that

I was mad do you or do you think you are you know because I thought I was a danger to myself

you know

at any rate

my parents came down and they were you know they wanted to know you know this that and the other and and one of the things that happened prior to the actual suicide attempt that I think it's important to talk about is I had this I I knew in advance that I was in trouble and I tried going to counseling that's one of the things that I try doing was going to counseling and in order to be able to go to therapy my I had to let my parents know that I want to go to counseling so I was on their health insurance in order for the health insurance to pay for that the counseling I had to tell my parents and I wanted to go and I was at home and I was on Christmas break this is before the suicide account I was trying to explain my parents were very upset with me about my grades and my behavior and what the hell is going on and and what's become of you and and my mom

had me trapped in my kitchen she was up in my face and she was yelling at me and she's like this far from my face and she wants to know what was the matter she wants to know what was wrong with me what I need help what was going on with me

and I looked right at my mom and she had me attract you know she was screaming she wants to know what my problem was and I was right out and I said I was right are you happy now

and it was a lie

it never happened I've never been late

but you know what I completely devastated my mom and I shut her off and she got out of my face

and I went to counseling which is what I wanted

yeah yeah that's the kind of person that I was

my mom was very devastated by that by law that she thought that I had encouraged that never happened and as a matter of fact that race Y. was very convenient for me because it gave me a really good explanations for my behavior for being completely for miss U. S. we're getting **** up all the time in for failing out of school and so I this is I told that lie to anybody that would listen I told that lady my counselors I told that my friends whoever has justified my behavior I believe that the time you know

it was easier than looking at the fact that maybe I had a problem

so after the suicide attempt I got shipped home from school my parents came down and got me and they patched me up and it took me home and they sent me to counseling

a new counselor this time back at home living with my parents I was out of school and

and she said to me when I was going to discounts or we were you know talking about everything that happened she said to me do you think you might have a problem with alcohol

and I looked at her and I said no

and she's she's

you might wanna just for me for my sake I would like it if you would go to somebody's needing

and twelve step meeting at that point time I only knew one person in my life had ever gone to any meeting girl named Jack Jessica she was in my high school and she was clean and I **** anonymous in high school she's the only person I ever had it once a meeting so I gave her a call and ask her if she would take me to some of these meetings because I you know had somebody that wanted me to check him out and I went to a couple meetings when I went to a dance dollar **** strange

you know everybody was like hugging everybody and if

V. as moron wrap your

you know dancing and I it's like I mean I sat in a chair I didn't get out of my chair I didn't dance I certainly would like

yeah okay you know I thought it was really great for you all but I definitely did not belong here

and

that's what I decided and I decided that my problem with not addiction my problem with depression

and that when I treated the depression everything would be just fine thank you very much so

I guess it was like a counseling and I went back to school and I changed drugs insulin

change that my drive and my life became more manageable I could get high every day and get eight and not fail out and by changing my substance of choice I need the outside more manageable but inside was not more manageable

inside the ceiling stayed the same and the pain stay the same

my senior year of college I met a guy at a party that we were having at my house and I'm not I'm

and he was talking all this crazy **** about his dad grandfather and all this other kind of stuff and I thought oh my god you are such a freak and so he moved in with me about three weeks later

and

and the one thing that I knew about him was that he was a heroin addict and that was one drive that I have not been able to get my hands on it too and that point because I was like a covert kind I was I was kind of slick about you know my drug of choice and I would make the connections and then just use whatever whatever was available not at that point time has not been available to me but it was definitely interesting to me so

I missed him in and he was

five years older than me he was not going to school he was working construction there's nothing wrong with that but he had like two masters degrees he was very smart and he is addiction with taking his back

and and he needed me to very badly he needed name

and

I love him so you know and I say that in a joking way but you know at the time he he he was he was the answer he was everything I'd ever been looking for he made me whole because he wiped me

he was me and he validated everything that I felt and everything about me because he was walking addiction

and I could look at him and I could be okay with who I was and he loved me for exactly who and what I want because I with him but I couldn't see it

I did manage to graduate from college and we moved in together in Richmond Virginia which is where he that's for and the very first night that we moved in together I went straight shooting down

and within three weeks I was using every day

and everything that I had gotten from my very nice upper middle class upbringing I promptly dispose stuff

I properly disposed all of the jewelry that my mother had given me throughout my life I just those ruby princess ring that my father had bought from my grandmother in Vietnam but she gave me when I graduated from college I times

the vacuum cleaner I ponder the answering machine I would beg for money I would stand outside and look pretty to I'm pretty cute and I will go to walk up to a gas station or excuse me I'm really sorry but I'm running out of gas and I I I need to get home could you spare a dollar and people would give me five

and I would probably put the five dollars in my pocket and go ask somebody else for more money until I had shot money

I one of the things that I like to do is lawn and garden shopping in your lawn and garden

for anybody that's confused by that I will drive around at night and see a lawn mowers and weed Wacker and chain saws out of people sheds in out of their yard in the city

and

and then we cellum

I

deteriorated very very fast I

though if the worst pointed that run I was four I probably a good forty pounds thinner than I am right now forty to fifty pounds lighter than I am right now and really long here I had died a jet black because this man that I was so in love with

it's wonderful man

was wanted by the police and

so we were on the run one of the things that we did things got really bad like it's really a manageable I couldn't hold a job I tried working I would like to go get a job I could get a job I just couldn't keep a job and I would like to be at work and I might last a day or two on the job and and the obsession and compulsion to use would be so strong that it just didn't work and I be thinking about who's doing what out there and literally at I would leave my job as a walk off the every job that I got because the session is involved in was so strong that it couldn't wait to work with over I couldn't wait to work with ever to get high

and I mean that's just how it was for me I couldn't manage working my my whole life was waving means to get more was all about Hassel all about getting more

and

so my life is a complete **** hole I I lost all the material stuff that I've managed to game basically I was living in this house with this guy we had two dogs and a house was was there was nothing in there so it was dirty it was really really dirty into dot here on the floor it was disgusting we I mean it was trash pizza boxes food it was it was nasty it was very very near where I live because cleaning wasn't a priority for me

and

we decided that you know we looked at what was going on and how I manage lever walks in life and we decided that we had three choices we could run we could get claim or we can tell ourselves and we discuss all free options very reasonably with each other

what what is it that we should do

getting clean was not something that I believe it was possible

killing myself with something that I can always do later so we decided to run

and we bought fifty pound bag of dog food for the dog let me cut it open we left in the living room he left the back door open we still have containers full of water because in some respects some worked way that was taking care of the dog and then we like got in the car and we decided that we were going to go to Canada

we're going to make a break for it I don't know what the **** I thought I was running from I. twenty for myself when I was taking me with me

and

so we were going we were going to Canada

and we went north and we stopped I don't you know Philadelphia New York an important places like that where there's lots of drugs in the project and my office is interesting adventures thing we just got a copy for us and this week he was in the car we do the windshield washer for those of you who are not familiar with the with the with the word and in New York the guy will stand on the corner and wash your windows and then want money from you we got one of these guys to buy drugs for us in the city and we taken out of the car was pulling down on him and kicking out of the car and took off with with the drug he wanted some of the drugs that works at the deal that we had made and he threw himself on the car trying to stop us because he wanted some drugs we pulled a gun on him and then he was yelling that he wanted to squeeze you back

so I talked to squeegee out of the window and I got let go of the car we can continued on our merry way

you know I mean that's that's that's what it was that

we got about seventy miles south of Maine which is which is very nor in America and it was cold

and we decided that

maybe Canada wasn't a good idea maybe it would be too cold up there

let's go to Mexico

so we turn the car around and we went back to New York and back to Philadelphia and important places like that

and I ended up in North Carolina

and

I was very dirty and I mean that like hi gene was not important to me I already told you I was about this big around my head dyed my hair jet black because I was in talks NATO

and and

I didn't shower because to me when I was down there

I couldn't stay and I couldn't stand being in the shower I couldn't standing close up I couldn't stand the water on my skin and when I was high I didn't give a ****

so I didn't date might be or black because it was it was when we were in North Carolina it was warm it was hot summer and I my usual garb with here cut off shorts and a bathing suit top or something really nasty at times I was black and blue from shoulder to rest I was black and blue from shoulder to rest and I I I don't even have any idea what I'm also looks like it must have been really awful but I I thought I was I thought I was ready for the runway yeah I thought I looked good good

but I believe that too and when I first thing I thought that I was really good because I was with the stick around and I thought that that was you know and it looks great but I I talk to people since then and it's my understanding that I was very frightening

our second very frightening and I can accept and believe that today

so

I've got very tired here in North Carolina and we would saying that her account was turned on and we would drive to the city of Richmond Virginia from North Carolina and hopping and go back to North Carolina and it was this weird popped up as our behavior I've been in a hotel and I have been using for three days straight I hadn't slept or eaten for three days and and we had driven into Richmond in the morning and I

we had I had managed to get the dealer to find me it is that I don't know if the terminology means anything to you but I had gotten this guy to a dance maybe some drugs on the promise that I would give him some merchandise later on in the day when I see when I could steal it and because I was very good at stealing that's how I like I

I think so it is a mess but

and

I was really really set us apart not running out of my nose and I will and I wanted to die hurt really bad and I didn't have any water in the car and so I got it I was in the city it was really dirty and rainy but I got water out of the puddle in the city streets to go back myself because I was sick and I couldn't wait two minutes it will take to get to McDonald's to get a damn class for water that's how sick I was

and that's the last thing I remember was shooting up and then the next thing I know waking up an indoors and apparently what happened was I had deed and I was locked in the car and the fire department had to come and break out the brick smashed the window pulled me out of the car and when they opened the car door three set three syringes fell on the ground and I was in the car and I was dying

and they pulled me out and they they brought me back and

and I was so sick it took me to shock trauma

hospital and they kept me down for the day and then let me go that afternoon and I was so sick that when I left that hospital I was looking up in the hospital parking lot I can't high again and hospital parking lot let me let me go

and that was my disease that's that's what activation would like for me

I

Hey merry that guy that I told you about I merry and in our when we were in North Carolina has what we were discussing these process that night after my overdose metric shop from I was really really tired and I made the decision at all right we tried running and it wasn't working

and we were talking about our options again here nine we tried running and it wasn't handing out so good

he was he his I. D. with killing ourselves he thought that that was the solution that we tell ourselves that that that that would be great with time like a Romeo and Juliet kind of a same

I told him that that let's try getting clean first

and and then if that doesn't work then we can tell ourselves if we tell ourselves now we can't try to getting clean option

and so he he agreed to that but it wasn't really what he wanted to do

and I called my Perrin and they were aware of what was going on they will scared out of their minds they knew that I was missing they knew that I was strung out on drugs and that was about it

and my parents came down and they got me

and they took me to my first detox which is Easton Memorial Hospital in Easton Maryland

and

I remember being in a detox and remember was probably like this morning that I was there waking up in the morning and this is something that I take for granted today waking up in the morning

and feeling okay

I don't know how many of you can relate to that but in my activation when I woke up in the morning I wanted to die and I felt like **** and I had

yeah what's not coming out of my nose and

the morning time I heeded the **** morning and the god damn bird

you know

and I like my fifth day of the C. pack waking up and like feeling decent like a human being was really amazing I've at I don't it had been years since I thought like that and

so

I went to detox and I went to a rehab and

and I call that girl Jessica that had taken me this meeting all that time ago and I asked her if she could help me get system meeting and she said that she didn't go to meetings anymore but that she knew somebody who did and she gave me her phone number and I called that woman her name is Sheila and she didn't know me

from anybody she was in our products and nine of us number and I called her up and I told her that I was today I detox and I was in trouble and I need to get to some meetings and she gave me a whole list of phone numbers and I had to call people and ask them if they could help me get to meeting the third person I called was a woman

Darcy and she took me to meeting every day for the ten days in between detox and rehab and I started meeting people in our **** alignment

and I'm so grateful confuse you saved my life

I started going on and on with meetings and I met this girl and her name was Wendy and she was while she was very obnoxious yeah big now my name is Wendy she's very fast and and she had a dirty mouth to and I don't know about you but I'm drawn to people like that you know what I mean the more noxious you are you're right up my alley I I I kind of like people that are that are

a little on the wild side you know I'm very drawn to that and she was very wild and she was and she was committed to her recovery

in her life when all that she didn't have a lot of great material stuff

but that the M. she was not product not a hundred percent and I need him I sponsor

now

the week and then I got out of rehab remember that guy the one that was the one that I loved that made me complete I got pregnant so we can I got out yeah because you know happens only first clean

so

and he was still he was walking to the cell and it was all about me and how much the last name how we could do all these wonderful things together I I I don't I don't even know all the time and I spent planning things with him that never ever happens I mean we would sit down

issue land making plans that never happens and one of the great things about the cover is like to make a plan and it can happen

yeah but

so this guy I was back living at home with my parents now without my husband he was still living in Richmond and now I was pregnant and I was bankrupt and broke and I had nothing materialistic Lee speaking and

and what ended up happening and I was going to meetings and I was just trying to learn about narcotics anonymous and they told me that I needed to let go of the guy

that I need to change people places and things because he was saying clean

and I couldn't do it

he I decided that he was my everything and then I would rather be with him

sandy clean

and so I use

and I will get like thirty days claim and then I would go on like a weekend bench and then I've got like sixty days clean and then I would use and I got so **** tired of picking up a white I can see tag and I was so humiliated that I stopped

and

when my

I was trying to stay sort of clean because of I was pregnant and I thought that that would be sitting although I was still like I said using sporadically and my son was born

and when my son was born I was using every day within two weeks

because he was on the outside and and now there's no I I just I didn't do it

and everything was the same that was before except for this time I was driving my newborn son with me and I will give him like a prop and hustling because it's a lot harder to say no to a woman with an infant but she's asking you for money

and I took my son a shooting gallery and I took my son to all kinds of horrible places

I did not base my son I do not feed my son regularly

and

and

I mean I have been in situations where I've been in the worst project in Washington DC in America and I've I've been flat on the ground with a copy of it with a gun to the back of my head the police trying to strip searching my infant son because they believe that I put the drugs on my son you know and and having and scream at me that they're going to call social services and I can kissed my son goodbye and and I mean just crazy insane sure

and

the whole big miracle happens

a very large miracle happens

I have been in a series of car accident at the end of the road

and after like twenty four hours of using I decided that we went to the hospital to get checked out because I thought maybe the okay to get the baby checked out I'm sorry that he had black in his closing Carsey from accidents that were still there like two days later

we went to the hospital to get checked out I was in the emergency room of the hospital and the phone rang and the nurse told me that with my mom on the phone

now a big long complicated story that you don't really need to know my mom figured out where I want

and she called me she said that she wanted to come and give me a ride home

and I couldn't say no because I want to do Nile I didn't want her to know that something was wrong

like she didn't already know and so I said okay that would be great and I was dirty and I had the baby and the whole time the whole thirty minutes it takes to get my mom to the hospital I was twisting my blue jeans and the only thing I could think about was how it was that I could hide the bloodstains on my blue jeans

N. A. N. Y. my mother my father my mother in law from Richmond Virginia my sister in law from Quantico Virginia and I knew it was over

they now and then I wasn't pulling anybody but myself anymore

and my mom my very loving mom who has supported me my whole life

me and she told me

that if you want to dive

if that is up to you

but you give me your son

and

my my

she

told me that when I do it myself with my business but that she wanted the baby

and

that was a very painful painful moment and that was the moment that I made the decision

you know and that was the moment that the miracle happened for me

and

I went to another detox and I went to another rehab and all those people that I had met in our products and honest previously

or so they are in our house in on

and

that one and that really loud obnoxious woman who I had asked to be my sponsor and had never ever used in any sort of sponsorships type fashion one of the amazing things that I that I would like to tell you about is how not contacting Amish showed up for my family because when my parents were going through hell about my activation and they didn't know what to do they were calling my mom had called some people in our products anonymous

and people in narcotics anonymous supported my Perrin

in my active addiction when I couldn't support my Perrin

so

my

when

I went home from the hospital when my parents when everybody showed up and I knew that the ticket was over on my front porch at my parents house was Wendy and rusty and when you with this woman and I was totally defeated and I came home and she looked at me and she said have you had enough

and I looked at her and you know I I don't even really know what I set but but god I hope so at that point in time thank god I hope so you know I hope so I was really scared and I really didn't believe that this could happen for me and

so I'm making a mess

sorry

and

okay that was so much distracting

at any rate

this woman that had I had asked to be my sons or it was still there and I asked her again and she would be my sponsor again and this time

she gave me the first step

I had written on the first reset thank you well I was still at the treatment facility and I was so

willing to do whatever it took I mean I think that's the thing that I remember most about when I first change narcotics anonymous I was so desperate I was so desperate to be clean that if you told me to get up here and pull my shirt off and do a little dance and help me stay clean I would do it

you know that whatever whatever you said to do do because the pain inside was so horrible I hate myself so much and I had destroyed my whole life for

four one because of my addiction my disease with with horrible

you know and the painful part about the disease of addiction is how it works just fine process and what you think about yourself and what you think about life and how you just want a dime if

it's insidious it sent us our

the disease of addiction and

and

so when I first got into recovery I was really willing and I you know went to meetings meetings meetings meetings more meaning my Perrin dad loves allowed me back into their home even though I had robbed him blind in my active addiction but with some very strict rules

and I was allowed to have my son back after fifty seven days so I only ended up losing him for fifty seven days and I'm so grateful

that they got really worked in my life like that

and in recovery I learned how to be a Perrin's

and in recovery I learned how to be a daughter

in recovery I've learned how to be a friend

in recovery I've learned how to be a partner

in recovery I have learned how to show empathy

yes we're talking about I'm the person that was so cold and so dead inside that I couldn't feel anything for anybody else when anything happens you know and today I can feel things for other people I can feel when they're sat and I can feel when they're happy and it's such a miracle because to me life is about the relationships that I have with other people it's not about the material things it's not about like what I achiever with my status or any of that kind of stuff and I'm glad because I don't have much of that

but

it's about the relationships that I'm able to have an unable to have relationships with other people because of because of recovery because of the principles that I've gotten by working the staff

if you're confused about recovery or if you're confused by this top or what the program read the basic pack it in

I just want to be really clear because a lot of times it's real easy to go to meeting and like hang out with recovery people like program talk but that's not what narcotics anonymous is

and you will still want to die in recovery if you don't do something

with the sponsor

preferably

so I have a sponsor now what I want you to be my sponsor again and love her

because I'm sort of difficult but I asked her to be my sponsor and she

love to me and a very special way and the people in our tax it's locked me in a very special way and so really I could learn how to love myself and that's one of the things that

to me the newcomer is the most important person in a meeting because people Love Me

so that I could love you

so that I could let you

people believed in me believe in you I believe in you know and I believe in the newcomer and that's how it works

we help each other

I correct

where is very important and as I said I got down on my knees before the meeting and ask god to Kerr me through when I could not walk to myself

because

hi I think this is cool up here but it's skerry is