An AA/AFG conference called "Women, God and the Frio"in Concan, TX

hi Ellen militiamen alcoholic and a drug addict and in Allentown and it can go on and on and

hi I'd say double winner triple winner also recovered believe me I mean it is literally the game it is is very wide as far as all the things that

it worked out for me I guess but the cool thing is is I'm recovered from all those things and power goddess come in my life and and change me from inside out for the woman I used to be

I was sitting here last night as we began the songs and kind of look here and there you go and okay what am I doing here I don't know anyone

and we're staying in and out

and so later that night they were having the the candlelight meeting and something told me just to stick just to stay don't go back and lay down I was tired but I wanted to stay and

it almost brings tears in my eyes I don't know why the guy had asked god okay got it there's a reason I'm supposed to be here this weekend show me what I need to do and so table this table right here full of women that I didn't know

and

within an hour we we all knew different faces different cities but it was the exact same story and how cold it was just talking about the power of god

what total strangers I no longer strangers in fact I'd like to the cabin and Becky was using a little night light and almost asleep and I said Hey the meeting was awesome there's a bunch of sick women here just like me

I felt at home with all the sick woman

it's really an honor to be here and and to speak they have it down as an ally on speaker and I'd like to back and I said

I don't have the best experience in the world of the alum inside of me it's a huge part of my story alcoholics have been throughout my life but actually working the program participant at a recently awful so however don't offend anyone with them alcohol and drugs part of the story and then we'll get to the Allentown miracle that's happened recently if that's okay recently from San Antonio was

one raise there and came from a good home private school for ten years missionary's daughter I mean I was the perfect little angel and at about fourteen I just started feeling just not okay inside something was off one of the outside looking in kind of things I was going to be part of the colder than not and nothing was changed in that until I found out the hall

and the easing however that the book talks about was absolutely instant it was like this is cool and the life of the party guys like me more you know I can finally talk to the girls that wouldn't talk to me and and I got the liquid courage that I needed and I seventeen I'm a full blown blackout alcoholic and one night after a six month relationship had ended with this boy I was so devastated it was love from six months high school that kind of love but I was devastated and the only solution I need to fix the way I felt inside was to get wasted and I did and in a blackout hit a telephone pole at forty five miles an hour

three months later I leave the hospital head to toe injury scarred head to toe

just torn to pieces from alcohol and then demand and instead of looking at this and going oh man god you saved my life thank you I turn from my wicked ways I said screw you how could you let me live like this because see I was so ugly inside that I'd use my looks for so long because at least you'll look at me you may not like the once you get to know me but I'm gonna use this all I can and it's taken that for me and that's what I thought and so I don't anger towards god that that was deep

and began to turn and go the opposite direction instead of not drinking anymore and realizing my error there

I I started getting deeper into it and got back to high school my senior year and that was just all I was going to do now is like I couldn't stand the way I look the the the spirituality that the book talks about was just eating me alive inside I hated the person that I was the only thing I can do to quit thinking about the person that I was was to get wasted and now the judge began in high school but the drinking was the main deal and

I left high school in southwest Texas and they they drink a little bit there they were my kind of people so I took it a step further and I joined a sorority hi I live in a sorority house and they need to drink a lot but the interesting thing in retrospect as I remember looking at these girls you know would be going out somewhere and here I am taking shots and check in the years just to get right to go out and these other girls are just eating dinner and I'm upstairs just gotten gotta get right inside before I can even walk out the door and every single time it never failed even though I set out to act like a lady how something happened and I found out later what happened was is phenomenal craving that kicks off that I can't stop I can't control the amount I take in the books as we watch others take these drinks with impunity and that's what I would do night after night just watch these girls have two beers get a little giddy and have fun why am I the one dance on the table doing things I don't remember waking up the next morning and they are going god Alicia I'm gonna let you know really what what did I do and and this went on and on as my disease progressed and it blew me away when my defective on my right and my evil why am I doing this to myself I had no clue about the disease at this point I ended up dropping out of school as you can do anymore the book talks about how we are intelligent in every respect I'm paraphrasing here except for the effect alcohol has on as I was and dean's list three point six seven my last semester that serious drinking and and it was amazing to me that I can do so much and yet rock hall was concerned I I was a failure and

after I dropped out of college I just started getting into a little bit of cocaine and it was the same thing we get a small amount before before people are gonna play some cards and here I am feigning for more and these people are gonna collision we gotta go to work tomorrow now come on I'm just gonna do it it's only one with either at seven six hours of Lincoln CD covers looking at the table absolutely insane

and again couldn't figure out why my different than these people

and

I have a an ex husband and as as he entered the picture

it was a sight Karen was sharing about her love that she ran into last night in mind I just got out of the penitentiary for five years straight for alcohol and drug charges

I had beat the girl before him quite a quite a bit I had no job no money no car and he was online

and I love him insane to Lisa was going to turn this man from his wicked ways and he was going to come into my life and I I made a decision based on self like the book talks about the later placed in a position to be hurt

but I I thought it was eleven within you know within six months of physical abuse begins and I'm how can how can you do this to me he loves me he didn't Love Me is extremely sick and the cocaine and just increased and increased and

I find later that I'm I'm looking back on my god what a staggering of staying for five years and anyone who's been in a sort of relationships you know I can't explain the mental control that this person had but it was insane over me and them when the truth I had to come to his he could get the doubts and I was willing to stay there and put myself through that as long as the alcohol and cocaine would continue to flow and that that shows you how much I felt about myself I didn't I didn't I wasn't worth anything in my eyes

and

in the middle of our relationship he got put back in the penitentiary go figure your own for all they don't like you don't okay I don't understand but back in the penitentiary and I was determined at this point to to stop drinking and doing drugs

and I have an alcoholic mother at this time and I've I find now that this is one out of the story begins I never even thought about that in the past that they've been in my life forever and I've learned to cope and deal and manipulating control from a very early age my mother we had become my drinking buddy it at about sixteen or seventeen all the parties were my house and these I was to tell the ladies here we have these tequila fights you know just wasted on the keel and pulling each other's hair just insanity I had a stepfather god bless him he was in the program and he tried to get between us is about AA Rovere on I mean that was my first even hearing about a a was for my stepfather and my mother I just want you to have it he was a loser and that little did I know what a loser I was so when my ex husband is from back in the penitentiary I'm you know staying away from my mother I'm staying away from all the bad people because that's the reason I'm drinking and I decided to get into church because I've known about god my whole life it kind of enforcing my friend in the sense and the fact is that this man has such a control over me the hearings in the penitentiary in Beeville and I'm sitting at home shaking waiting for his call because if I'm not home he's gonna kick my **** and it's like wait a minute now I scratch my head later and think he was in the veil I was in San Antonio he could let me but at the time it was it was just amazing what it what a shell of a woman I become and for a year and a half I stay dry at going to church and out of fear of this man

and then we'll talk about how we build up

again paraphrasing we build up an outlook for our families and with everything on the outside looks great it would tear it down with the senseless series of springs and that's what I did it while he was in the penitentiary let's step back when he was a very county jail I thought what would change our lives if I married him so while he was in his own shoot at bear county jail I made it to the second floor posing as a intern missionary and we had a ten minute ceremony it was beautiful I

I mean

amazing we haven't gotten the case in six months because he's been locked up and we get to kiss on our wedding day and it was just a beautiful thing and for some reason my family didn't see it that way

I just I just didn't understand I was heartbroken when they didn't grab me and say we're so proud of you

so we're married now and and that's going to change everything you won't have anymore will quit doing cocaine because it was it was ruining our lives and that was my my plan and and you haven't had never been a good Allen I never told anybody about what a monster this guy was the make of a new excuse every time there's a new bruise or knew something or why we don't have money for this it had nothing to do with him because I want I want them to think he's an angel and again I look back on yeah I'd I've been doing this now I'm crap skis make the salad on staff

sometimes trying to change people in Macon who I want them to be and then lying about who they're not and I think it's out of the penitentiary and he's on an electronic monitor so we're going to stay sober we can't leave the fast how fast seven it's got to work

within a couple of lines within a couple of months or just kind of looking at each other crawling out of our skin because I realize now that the drinking any alcohol or drinking in the drugs were not my problem when you have it out of my body I'm current I'm dying inside because that's what I was using to fix the black hole in there and I don't even have that and I'm totally untreated in any form and going crazy and I remember looking at him and saying how about a glass of champagne to celebrate you getting out of prison for drug and alcohol charges we will it that doesn't sound right but to me it was perfectly sane and that last turn in bottles not bottle turns into the domain dropping the stuff off of the house and within that year and a half on my own I've been moved up to team leader of administration of a dermatology office in San Antonio and talented and and medical billing and claims I learned the skill and and I've done really well and

it got torn down quickly and

it turned me on to to crack cocaine which I I call the seven double proof because it's it's a panic I mean it's like an evil force that I don't know who I became on the staff and

as the time for stated the abuse got worse I'm living out of my bathroom now just smoking dope can't function anymore doing lines of what we've got left to make it to work to meet with Medicare representatives to go talk about billing staff making an excuse about how I ran into the freakin refrigerator again god I'm such a klutz because of the bruises on my face and life was not going well and tried leaving numerous times but but for some reason the hold was there and I couldn't leave so after about two years I'm doing that

I lost the job nothing in the house that would plug in coming upon the toaster if they take the toaster wedding ring on many times and brought back and don brought back holes in the walls bong stands on the floor I mean my beautiful outlook that I'd gotten this beautiful town home in San Antonio and I decorated it from garden ridge pottery and everything's gone leaving a the catches away everything I had

and the book talks about pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization

and the girls that I sponsor know that those words

they make me cry because only we know where we've been

only one of the things we've done in our disease and

thank god for grace and mercy that I don't get what I deserve for what I've done

but by the time this part of my life ended I had a knife to my wrist because I couldn't quit drinking can quit smoking crack couldn't get away from this man and I would rather die than continue and of course I'm I'm too chicken to do it and ended up running my mother instead and and telling her okay this is what he's been doing this is what we're doing I didn't say crack and then want to freak out too bad as a cocaine then she then she think I was just snorting it socially

and so

and so I tell you that what's going on my stepfather rushes and they haul me off in the middle of the night to treatment in centerpoint

and

my struggle before I left I just wanna one more beer before I went because it was like screw you all I'm not going anywhere and I end up I mean that the adrenaline and the strength that I had to have one stupid friggin beer I wrestle my stepfather pretty stocky little Hispanic man and I had that in the back of the head he had as well but I mean in sandy looks as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

that is me to the core and I'm a sweet innocent little girl

I do these things but that's what I've become and I was at home after treatment I don't have any clothes they don't give me anything it wasn't close out of my mother's salvation army bag in the trunk of her car that's what they took me to treatment with an

I get there and it's at the hospital when I was I was thinking is different resort kind of thing that seen on movies and stuff and it was not and I had to deal with hospitals from being in the hospital for being there so long with my car accident in like the smell couldn't stand it needs and so I'm pissed when I get there and my stepfather just kind of leaves me and

the insanity that was going on in my mind I'd there was my roommate was this poor lady that's been coming out for years and years and Stanikzai and then just the benzo withdrawal is just shaking she was a rather large woman of course I'm thirty pounds underweight crack night big time bruise emaciated **** clothes from going out the night before I look great and that this poor lady I I have to tell the story because it's Jasen prop could probably relate that she give me a night out of hers because I didn't bring anything and it's this Christmas flannel plaid with eyelet lace

and I hold my arms out and it hits the floor because I'm just you know sunken and even even cheeseburger probably in a week and that's it and that I've got the skunk slippers on it came from my mom's trump

you're getting the visual

I'm on the detox meds so I'm starting to slow down just a little bit and I'm walking up and down that hall thinking I look hot

self delusion and

I'm self delusion

looking for a date

my next victim because here I just left my ex husband points not even twenty four hours I gotta find something else now I don't have any doping alcohol I need a man I need something and so I got dressed in my guess my slippers and I went to hunt I wonder if I did

nineteen year old kid I took him hostage it was like you will Love Me

show me a little attention and you know how it goes I always love understands me and we'd stay up nights talking and I was gonna be sober forever this is great

romances don't work don't know if you've heard but it wasn't really loud it was the documents or something

so I follow him you know because I'm gonna take care of him now and he needs me because of my my skills that I'm learning

and it's safe so I follow him to to Kerrville because that's the ticket then Antonio was the problem I need to move up there and so I I do that and and I live in a slow halfway house with three other women will one of them is taken lord have all day long by the end of the night she's zone out one of them is drunk and the other one I couldn't understand anyway I don't know what she was on so this was my safe house that I got out of treatment I want to

so the treatment center which you didn't give me this this book didn't give me the solution they they didn't even open it except for three stories in the back of the book and it's like yeah I didn't know anything about the twelve steps can even tell you what they were but I got to this halfway house and I open this book and I turn the page is it eighty six ninety seven and has all the great nine step promises if your painstaking about this phase of your fellow man I'm going all this look at all this crap is going to happen to me as I write it beautifully on the calligraphy in this beautiful stationery and I put it on the wall and I sit and I wait for them to have been

didn't go to meetings I didn't get a sponsor I only went to the men's halfway house meeting because they had me in there

and what do you know it didn't work I'm not getting sober I'm not getting any internal condition treated I'm miserable I'm pissed here I am now in Kerrville Texas my mother brought up a trash bag full of clothes and that's all I have now to show for twenty five years of my existence my ex husband from close and said give it to her and I wanted to cut ties with him and run and so that's all I have and I'm miserable I'm going to this is what the right is about this sucks I don't want

and you know relapse begins way before that first drink in my mind just started kicking and that that's my long obsession would not stop because I needed something to treat

what was going on and I remember looking in the mirror the day I was going to relapse and I had it all planned I was going to drive San Antonio so no one in town with now because Carmel's quite a big recovery doubt it sucks to drink there because it's like oh where I had to go to van der and go buy beer I'm not kidding I would do that and so I look in the mirror and I saw a girl you can drink just don't smoke dope that was your problem I've got scars on my face when alcohol did to me at seventeen and I didn't even think that cunning baffling and powerful this disease in blows me away and of course that not I'm doing no you know I mean if they go hand in hand it never worked I tried it that experiment over and over again if I just drink wine coolers I wanted okay no books every single time I would go back so

okay exit the treatment before he leaves because that he drank what do you know we both got loaded with a strange idea and enters my now husband by the way I divorced Satan my ex husband I don't know why he was back in the penitentiary one back again I thought they'd be a good time to serve him with papers so I divorced him and just in the time that I'm legally divorced enters my husband now and he was in relapse and I was in relapse he lived in the men's halfway house see it paid off to go to those meetings

and trying to bring laughter been trying to get sober since he was eighteen and his drug of choice was alcohol and crack cocaine so it was love it was beautiful we are you know what a deal he could take me to the hood with him didn't have to lie where he was going to go with it was like okay let's go and M. vest began at a four month binge that the book talks about it gets worse never better and and that was definitely my experience

you know here my family's health and been re left in me and I and that

they thought that they were going to be different now and so not only did I did I disappoint that by the way they hired me at that treatment center I went through because I was such a model patient I was going to stay sober forever so they hired me to do the medical billing out there after a month of working there I relapse and the phone calls start coming all my grandmother died again I can't come and you know all the excuses that we use are the car broke down I didn't want you don't even have a Carly said we'll somebody's car the insanity began and here I am having contact with patients are going to Lisa how do you do it how do you stay sober and here I am reading about all grinding my teeth from being up all weekend is like it's great yeah come tried and it was just his double life the book talks about it we were an actor we don't want you to know what's really going on and that's what I was doing I had all my lies in place and after four months so I couldn't do it anymore

and ended up shooting up for the first time or something I was never gonna do needles or for me that was I was a crack heads I wasn't a junkie

that's the next never they got checked off my list and I literally had a list of numbers I was never going to do these things and guys it's done

at I was blown away that in twenty six years of live and you can do all the things you swear you're never going to do and

I couldn't do it anymore and I couldn't live like this anymore and

I remember Shane my husband I holding each other that last night after three day deal and and go and we can't do this come on we gotta get some help and I had no clue what was about to happen to me in this program I don't even know what it offers but I knew I didn't want I had anymore and I remember laying in that bed after being out for three days and just look at the ceiling going god if you're even still there

I need your help

because this time around I had all the material stuff I hadn't lost any of that this time like before but what happened was the books as I was beat into a state of reasonableness

and that meant I had suffered just enough to where I was willing to surrender and say okay I don't care what you want me to do I'm doing it and that next night got to see a meeting

and walked in the room and hear these people talk and like they've been through some of the stuff I've been but of course I'm so unique you know no one's gone as low as I have I'm so cool and yet they're talking about these miracles it taking place and and I I couldn't believe it these women that have obviously you know been through the ringer and yet there's the respected in their community today and and have jobs what a concept you know and and I can tell the truth things that I wasn't able to do

and this woman comes up to me Debbie my sponsor here comes up to me at the end of the meeting and she goes here you need a sponsor here's my number kind of same thing Karen was talking about having her I guess god knew that we were a little stubborn and probably will wait a little longer and that began my journey and

the part of my Alan's story really picks up here a lot though because shine and I tried to get sober at the same time after two months of me being sober he relapsed

and

I have

I I I the my heart just died the day he realized this year I was like this is gonna be great we're going to be on the same path we're gonna go the same meetings we can sponsor couples I mean I had this great plan and apparently it wasn't what was supposed to happen and I do the the good things like balls and crying for like I was going to die when he had to move out and and

you know look form everywhere in call places if they knew where it was I think it stays over for a couple months at a time but then the inevitable to always happen and down

a couple of times kicked him out instead boundaries you know and then now I'm not even using him to fix stuff is wrong with me anymore it's like okay come back and I I remember just doing that to him over and over again and and probably getting in god's ways numerous times by cushioning the fall you know an environment not letting consequences have to happen because here you can always come running back to me and them

it was insane but the good thing was at least on the A. eight C. A. side I was doing pretty good on that side I didn't want you to see just how sick I was on the other side them as I get that very quiet didn't even want to think about and people started telling me early on probably Becky I just blotted out that idea down on right off the bat of you know come with us and it was just allowed to many programs that I can't even get this one straight

and my journey with the twelve steps in a in CA and began and I was real clear on step one and because I knew there were times that I do I drink ended up even when I didn't want to but I didn't tears before even have it in my body and I knew that that meant that something was wrong and I find it layers because I don't have the power of choice but I'm I'm different like that that that even though I don't want to be doing this I'm gonna do it anyway even though I swore to my family members even though I was died in a car accident even though even though even though I can't just use the quick given sufficient reason

and then explain the allergy to me that that's why you can't control it you're wired differently and it made so much sense and it freed me from thinking I was just a mental defect and and just maladjusted to life like the book talks about and

what are the steps to I had an amazing thing happened in step two because I always believe there was a god but the god I was raised with

at fourteen burned my Cindy Lauper and gogo tapes because they were satanic

so if you did like the go go's he sure wasn't going to let me live I was gonna burn as well because I was I was doing things wrong and so I had to come up with a whole new concept of god because I've known about him this whole time and I had kept me sober so I had to try to find a different concept and and that's what we we set out to do because it it hadn't worked with me in the old one so I started picking things like obviously he needs to show grace and mercy Hey seven conditional love he's gotta have a sense of humor because I'm whacked and it's just on and on all the positive things that I could think of and and what do you know that's that's what my god has been the whole time obviously I wouldn't be here but for some reason my belief system changed over different things throughout the years that it's you're going to hell for doing that does Marty there you know so I had to change that concept and one that can clear there was such a help that okay maybe there's something out there that can help me with this deal my first third step prayer just not falling and crying because my will have gotten a penniless suicidal Hollis demoralized and so to do something to turn my wheel over to higher power it had to be better than what I had and I had drawn a line that day just on I'm crossing over I want to be this person anymore I couldn't stand the person I've become

and

I'm writing inventories and

look at the truth in black and white ad and just who I was and what I've done to others and

this this resentment inventory as like this is gonna be great I've got tons of resentment she knows my sponsored Intel it wasn't happening column for where you look at your mistakes and I'm I remember one of freedom now I had with the one towards my ex husband Satan in order to get him confused my husband now so that one was saying and and I remember riding on the step down column too and it just flowing all the stuff that he's done to me because there is a huge huge amount of stuff life changing things that I truly was a victim of hahaha see it flashing my victim sign all right all these things down the line this is great now what we do and then okay here you're gonna write what it affected and of course it affected all the areas of my life and coping now it would do so here you can write your mistakes

my mistakes he hit me hello and and then I just wasn't willing and as I started to see what this was about to do is like all great I would have to let this one go and

it's pretty tricky and they got me to do that

but I was blown away at how much I thought it was my mistake that I first of all I had signed up for this I have made this decision that placed me in this position I knew he was like this and I signed up for it for my own selfish reasons I knew the game I would play to get him to hit me because you have to come back and tell me you Love Me and that was a game that I play with them and so I put myself in that position and on and on and on and on and I was blown away the freedom of this resentment because I used to pray for bad things to happen to this man I hated this man and the book tells us that these resentments blockers from the sunlight of the spirit and I was willing to get rid of this one even though I felt I deserved to hang on to that I was willing to get rid of it because I don't want to drink or do drugs anymore and I wanted freedom and I'm sure when the day came that I made amends to him over the phone he was like okay so does this mean we're getting back together

no no no no just wanted to clean up my side of the street I want to take your things that you bye bye and

it was it was occurring process though and and and then the fear inventories I wrote remember I read arachnophobia on the page and called every back is that okay I'm done I'm scared of spiders and she said Ono I think you missed the point is that right got help you see the truth on the top of the page private and coming back and guys I had eight pages front and back full of fears everything in my life was such a fair I was afraid to walk out the freaking door I was afraid to show you I really was I was going to continue wearing these masks and changing who I was to fit just a chameleon wherever I'm going to be so that you will like me

again my Alan Stubbs is inviting getting ready to bloom as soon as I'm ready to walk in the doors

and it was a real friend deal because the book tells us that it we're on a different basis now if you're trusting god now is man fears gotta go see the guys everything he's nothing and and that was a cool experience and the sex inventory that the stuff that I didn't want anybody to ever know about and I remember going to the fist that we get to the end and we're right in the second round is shaky because this was the stuff that only me and god knew about in here you're telling me you want me to tell you I don't even know you you can be a blabber mouth is giving the paper I don't know but I was willing again to go to any lengths and sizes fill these beings and thank god at the end of it she goes off that's nothing look into this and

and it just blew me away with it I was not alone I was not the only deviant demoralize person out there there was a few of us out there and then at the end because the books as we eliminate every dog training in the past and I remember we got done with it and she says okay is that it is there anything else and that one secret that I was going to the grave just with thinking and I'm sure I can do my fingers like this one nope that's it

body language screaming yes pull it out of me because I was going to tell anyone

but again I remembered who I was before I got to the program and I didn't want to be that person anymore if there was a chance this would keep me in this disease I wasn't willing to do it and so I said okay I think there is and I told her and again because they will use her to show me that I'm not a bad person because that happened to me because I did that the third there are reasons that the whatever it might be but just for him and the book says your evil of the world we hire a lot of person he said he is in my hand all this blockage all this junk was gone and what it called a L. and then I'm gonna get to go make amends for the stuff that I saw on fourth column this program was incredible and as I'm doing such great work on the A. N. Allen sorry C. A. side over here and Alan on world

I am sick I am insane

she was talking about these this wrinkle marks on the forehead and and the she's the one that told me this joke but they're not really wrinkle marks its for me looking at the blinds watching for him to come home because I'm still laughing okay

they're not going to end up looking out the window I'm looking for him because for some reason I felt that if I stand at the window his call would come on faster and ours I would sit there crying falling sick to my stomach migraine headaches and biting my fingernails

falling apart and yet I'll go to a meeting I'll tell you god do everything he's nothing you know and I'm I'm working this great program on this side and this side I'm dying I still unwilling still when reading and channels in and out of my life for numerous times and

and

as I'm continuing getting stronger it's like I'm not as I'm god coming into my life more because of the program I'm not okay with some of the behavior I'm doing this other side like the manipulation and the games I'm playing with Chang is the god consciousness that it began and sadly it's just not OK to be doing this and and yet I continue to do it

when I finish the steps and I I get to that twelve seven man guys this is where the light came on for me this is where my car accident the abuse all the things I've been through made sense why did I have to go through these things god because I asked him numerous nice and tears in my self pity pot why me the reason was because I was gonna sit across the table from another dying out a holic and crack addict and I was gonna carry this message of hope to her and her light was going to come on and I now have the power to do something I have the power to help others

and my sanity my past my story was going to be used to change a life

Hey guys I can't tell you

finally finding out after all these years

while this pain had to happen

god had a plan and because I got so way off the page there was a lot more consequences that I had to suffer but that was my own actions

but he got me to the place where I was recovered from this disease the obsession to drink or did I was absolutely gone and I was very I can walk into it and

place to pay for my gas and not free get the beer I'll just thought oh my god oh my god what do I do I can't move that would be misery if that's what this thing was about and that's what I thought that I would have to fight this obsession for ever that was so not true

and so now I get to carry this to other women and it became my passion it became the void filler that that I've always been looking for and my first year sobriety I would try to sponsor people that weren't even drink it I mean it was like do you want me to come to this meeting you want to do this one I was so on fire for what this gift was that I've been given and you know some states over and some didn't and then we always save but we say it's over you know and I were the first bill I sponsored that relapse I being so important to get so personal that I was so powerful it was my fault you know that that I hadn't heard the messenger and for me and all this and the truth was I stayed sober in the book says that nothing is gonna ensure immunity for me drinking or doing drugs and helping another person and if I'm helping someone else with their problems and their staff you know what I'm not thinking about mine anymore and why we're continuing to pile up with Fallon side over here