Steps 10, 11 and 12 at the Road to Recovery convention

hello welcome and I thought

hi my name's our own alcoholic

hi everybody it is an honor and a privilege to be here I want to

one thing MC

I love this guy I do I don't understand a word he says but it's beautiful I want to be she come to California and come to our meetings and just start them all

correct

hi guys I sponsor would say probably what is he saying I said with Amanda you don't understand when they're talking in English right doesn't matter

so

I want to thank the people that I've met here so far everyone of them I wanna think thank you for coming to the airport getting isn't taking such good care of us making all sorts of arrangements for us and so are for for bringing us into her home and feeding us and taking care of us and L. and contact just Thor so many people that we've met they've just been so kind and

I think that that's the highest compliment that I can pay anyone is that they are kind it's a strange crazy world you know Anna the short supply of kindness it's just a very touching bang this is been kind of an overwhelming day for me I've been there since I've been here I've slept about you know forty minutes in the last four days

and it seems like I'm I'm physically exhausted but I'm also emotionally overwhelmed at the same time

I've been not very very active and committed an Alcoholics Anonymous from the day that I got here because for me it was very simply live or die there was nothing else left to do in my case it was actually was just arguing I didn't do out there would stay dead I actually did die at one point I did not stay dead however I've been uncooperative for most of my life

but to so I've been very very active and even brace this program to the best of my ability for quite awhile now and to come here it's been I've been holding back tears on back just as I I as I because of course I'm a man I shouldn't cry publicly

though I seem too often these days to be in your company to be in

this this

country and to be with you people

in to see this passion for Alcoholics Anonymous do you see this deceit so alive he is

I have nothing character I have questions

it's just a

it's unknown thank you will be needing more these probably and it's just been overwhelmingly wonderful soulful experience such as muscle

so at ten eleven and twelve I mean just kind of to like pull it all together step one is what's the problem lack of powers my dilemma if that is my problem is my solution step two thank you a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity sounds of mine believe me the obsession to drink the thing that keeps me from being comfortable solar I had been comfortable in my life and I have been sober in my life but I had never been both at the same time to bring these together seems to be an unreasonable goal it seemed unreasonable to me that if I could just not go back into the madness this would be a deal and I would tag but the idea to be to walk near the Freeman to be comfortable so over I mean I suffer from an allergy the body in the possession of the mine I kicked and I come to a I and I think like most alcoholics I'm better now I'm I no longer in the throes of a physical phenomenon of craving yet the greater aspect of my diseases instill the full effect the obsession of the mind that in the book it says the persistence of this illusion is astonishing many of us pursuant to the gates of insanity and death I am a gay guy I go right to the gates I've been in mental institutions I've been tagged I've had a toe tag on bad boy

and if I can for me it's not about stopping drinking and using it how do I stay stopped the only way I can stay stop and allow the process to recovery become the process of my life is if I can get comfortable so over the only way to be comfortable servers to be relieved of the obsessive nature of my mind the persistence of this idea that I can drink like a normal man this idea this insane notion that suggests to me that I can have a couple drinks in the face of sixteen years of insanity I can have a couple of drinks so this solution is as remarkable hopeful thing for me in step two step three I simply make a decision to do something about this information

forty nine forty five is me six and seven is god make nine issue there's no one else to play with right I do the work I clean my side of the street first I look at me it's an interesting thing that if I want to if I were if I choose this as a path this process of recovery but used to walk this path before me I engage in this journey with the understanding that there is no it's not about the destination is not about the destination it is about the journey is about the path that I walked that process being a person is all about immediate gratification I want to get high and now how much would you like how much do you have

now I have it all now

right to be in this process is a startling new way of life hi right

I have to find a way to relieve myself of this mental state which is the purpose of the steps promises that too that I can be restored to sandy first I must look at where I am if I call somebody up and say I want to get to the alon club I'm lost and I want to get to the eleven o'clock what's the first thing they will ask me

where are you now

they cannot tell me how to get from where I am to there until we first determine where I am right now that's what the staff to deal with first first where are you now step four and five where am I now what is the current nature of the way I engage in the world what is it with these resentments the sexual behavior these fears these these the presence of these defects of character that run my life I am a self centered frightened man in in the twelve and twelve in step seven second last page it says I love doing that right there that will thing and given a particular page very rarely make

it says so I'm not here for a self centered fear is the chief activator of all my defects of character you're I'm afraid I'm not going to get something I want I'm gonna lose something that I have in this store is this fear stirs up all of this attempting to control and manipulate and manage the world around me so that I can then be on sex bring some level of peace course missing the point completely that the piece that I need I must find myself is not out there it's in here and that's why this is an inside job this journey that we do we go within and it begins in the accents that's informed five I look at me where am I now having established that and the obvious these defects of character having developed begun relation honest relationship itself and then look to god in six and seven to remove these defects of character because god I I started moving because I will remove the wrong things I mean I'm particularly enjoying this defect of character you may have this

I mean like this we'll talk talking a week maybe we'll swept now I mean in the mouth eight nine my relationship with you first plant up here who got into the game and then out into the world and begin to clean up the nature of my relationship with you very very sorry your money back in the house right nice and simple nice and simple Allen and having done that then it as as Doug talked about the promises are at this point only these remarkable things seem to happen and that those promises that was a very interesting part of the process for me because as I read through these promises

as I'm deciding whether or not this is in fact

going to work for someone is damaged as I am I had a therapist tell me prior to getting sober that she couldn't help me because I was damaged beyond repair

I did not find that particularly therapeutic

one of the promises was you will not regret the past no wish to shut the door upon it and I said stop right there

that can't happen for someone like me if you have lived a life that I have lived if you have done the things that I have done you would know that I will always regret my past I will always wish to shut the door upon certain aspects of my past that's not and you know what this anything you got here this approach is sounds good best things come across my path so far and I'd love to do this but let's just take that promise and taken off the table is I'll take the deal without it you keep that promise and I'll take what's left because I don't want to get to that point in this process knowing that can't happen for someone like me

I don't want to get there have that not happen resent you also significantly for that form for leading me to believe that something like that can happen to a person like me and and have that resentment fester within me and then I'm gonna go out and die so let's just take it off the table now so that I don't have to face that later on and they said of course did what they usually did which was they said thank you for sharing all now let's let's just move on

nor me completely

and I'm I'm here to say that that it has in fact come true for me I do not regret my past nor do I wish to shut the door upon it and that is beyond my wildest dreams I'll talk more about that tonight but the in ten having completed a nine step first nine steps intended says that

continue to take personal inventory one wrong promptly admitted

it was at this point I real I realized well apparently I'm not done with

everything that's come before the fact that I cleaned it up the fact that I've looked at the fact that taking these actions has created a change in my life it is it is done it is changed me I'm beginning to function differently than I did before I'm beginning to see it coming and change my behavior and not create more information for the fourth step necessarily it's slowing down but the fact is I really only just scratched the surface

I scratch the surface there are worlds within worlds here this thing goes as deep as you want to go with it and I scratch the surface and what channel in the twelve suggests to me is please continue

please continue do not stop continue to grow continue to change the way you know you know when they when they want from me here you know I mean good lord right I mean I'm one of those guys that the financial limits now with the plan implement I had when I got here I thought to myself I've got to get married soon begin having children so that I can then pass the remainder of my dead on to them when I die because there's

this is going to become a generational thing paying off my debt it was just some insanely huge

and I did just as Doug suggested we don't know I began writing little Jackson having conversations making amends and little checks going out and then we got paid off you know that ten Bucks off that got popped on that one and that one and then it just started to really move you know in his eye states over oddly enough I became surprisingly employable and jobs got better and better I was making more money paying off more debt and when confronted with huge debt

when confronted with seemingly hopeless odds right

I went to my sponsor and I said

right now I'm willing but this can't be done there's no way I can successfully complete this I it it blocks me from even beginning and he asked me one simple question he said how free do you want to be

how free do you want to pay and I said I want the big buzz here man I want to be free he said then begin to begin again the path the journey began become the person who pays his debts as opposed to the person who figures out a way not to who makes it about them or that or this or the other thanks just become the person who pays his debts if you want a million dollars and you've got two dollars in your pocket and you give one dollar to that individual to sack now I only owe you a string of nines

that is true isn't it in the action of addressing has taken place I don't think the universe particular distinguishes between ten cents or ten thousand dollars you are what you pay you get take the action of engaging in the process and you take the action of engaging in the process you are in the process and you do agree that you can commit to that is that agree that freedom comes that was my experience ten system I continue to take personal inventory one wrong probably met the assumption there is that I will be wrong

then I'm going to screw up I am a flawed man I stand before you a FAPE horribly flawed man right who is on a process was growing and healing in changing and doing the best that he can along the way that's who I am that is who I am I'm not I mean there you know we are not saints the point is we are willing to grow along spiritual lines demonstrating a willingness to grow along spiritual life I'm terrified of flying

not

bothered by it not mildly disturbed not uncomfortable with it terrified

I am terrified flyer plane leaves the ground and I believe them my first thought is

this is wrong

that's wrong

I don't think god planned on

little metal cylinders with Jack strapped to them just to leaning across the skies all together with a bunch of people who don't seem to understand because there are fine

as you can see flight sitting next Amanda fights an interesting experience it's

by the time we land I will have you terrified you won't understand what's actually going on here and I do that why on earth would I do that

I get to demonstrate on a regular basis that I'm willing to go to any lengths because a lot of Alcoholics Anonymous and all of the gifts have been given to me as a result of this so I get off planes shaky but humbled by the experience that that this is what god has chosen for me I'm not you know some people like that it doesn't it doesn't appear that gets out here he's happy so comfortable it's great I love it I'm one of the ones that doesn't like this I have never like this I do it all the time but I don't it's not my idea of a good time hi

I I never said a word not a hard on for the first two and a half years I was here

I didn't say where did not share I did not do any of that I had a sponsor of direction I had commitments are cleaned up meetings but I did not share not hearken honest because I was afraid if I told you who I was you would die on send me away because you look like reasonable people and that's what reasonable people would do you got

how wrong I was yet again

and the only reason I did yours and my sponsor directed me to do so and

it's turned into this somehow it's very strange to me every time I get up are laughing because every time I get up is another friend says same thing is if you listen to the tapes of me when I get up the first thing you hear is

and usually because they put my hand on my face like out of this album

wasn't my idea

can I must continue to take personal inventory and when wrong promptly admitted I am going to screw up I am going to I have every defect of character right now standing before you I have every defect of character I had when I got here

here's the difference in the beginning I was at the mercy of them

I did not know how long they would last or how how deep I would dive into the defect if I woke up and was slow awful feeling slothful lazy

I didn't want to go to work I didn't go to work

yeah I was like I don't know what's gonna happen because of this early I'm gonna be in on today I am

nothing to say about this it is we didn't charge you know wake up in the morning lustful all

god only knows what's gonna happen now

now I mean experience those same things but I am no longer at the mercy of them as a result of the steps I have tools that I can use to address this I do not stand the defect as long as I don't go each day sometimes it's just a blink of an eye says the flickering it's just a breath and then it's gone other times it'll get a hold of me for a little while and then all you know become aware of it because because consciousness expands as you come here as you as you participate in this you take these actions in your tank and I become aware of it and I can stop myself and make direct amends right I can stop myself in and apologize I can correct the behavior I can stop in the middle of a sentence and go you know what that was trap I'm gonna start over again now right people in a go go normal people are a little troubled by that

how many personalities are there in front of

when I can move forward I can move forward how free do I want to be do I wish to be restored to sanity soundness of mind relieved at the obsession to drink and use so that I can be comfortable so over and walk the earth the Freeman this is what I want can I find a way to bring passion to my life because when I got here I was a hopeless man was dying I was soulless I was dark and I was alone how can I come back and re engage the human race a god have some acceptance of self and move through this like how can I have that ten eleven and twelve allow me to continue in this process eleven

I seek god

I don't sit at home waiting for god to call

show yourself to me and then I will believe

a bad game

badland

right I see god help through prayer and meditation what do I pray for knowledge of his will for me in the power to carry that out

that's me

I prefer knowledge of god's will for me the power to carry that out I figure anything else minimizes that

that that's what I need to pray for yeah I find it interesting you know I'm not one of these that believes that god

here's my prayers

I'm pretty sure that god is not some anthropomorphic being up in the sky and went early hits his knees and begins to pray god says give me a lot of mineral spring I got to get this

this is usually rather fascinating all I mean I

I don't think that's happening

I thank the I don't pray so that god will hear my prayers I pray so that I will hear them

so that I will be domino's my prayers before I say them god knows the prayer I will say tomorrow before I was born god

that's the guy's not in my image okay C.

you can only

I pray so that I can hear these words that I turn my will and my life over this power greater than myself and I hear my own voice speak these words I hear myself being framed up into it framing my mind my consciousness my heart my soul so that I might go forward and do good works rather than Arles works that I might find a way to get myself out of the way so that I can be of maximum service to god and my fellows because I don't have anyone else to play with and I have in my life I had renounced god a long time ago on this very righteous in the anger that brought that about I had renounced any connection to other human beings and felt very very justified and I can see explain to you here's the facts folks this is what happened and most people in the face of that would say going to allow anyone to feel they just back off me there was really no debating it with me because I've lived in extreme life

and what that left me was right in the long

early completely alone when I open myself to my heart up to god to prefer knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out I position myself in the universe in a completely different way and who needs to be aware of that conscious of that on a daily basis is me who needs to be reminded of that daily is may there are steps in the book and how to begin the day and end the day they're my sponsor I went to my sponsor the late great on Matt and I will say his name repeatedly while I'm here and try half the time that I do I love that man for the rest of my life he was alcoholics anonymous to me he was god's messenger to Maine he was the one that that save me

and I got

a remarkable man and I I was I was going to meetings three or four nights a week in a place called the house street much less Angelus and right behind the podium in the a meeting is a painting it's about three feet by four feet it's a large painting of the serenity prayer god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference and I've been I've been going to meetings there are three and four nights a week for over two years and I suddenly spotted that paying

I had a little self involved in the beginning

I can see here

and

I called on the median I said Donald found a great prayer shortness where I have been able to find

you're gonna love this one it's the shortest where I found I mean this you know I mean it's nice it's it's very good a lot going on in there is it what is it I said I believe that all the serenity prayer and he said now

my sponsors telling me not to pray this prayer is this what I hear from you he does yes that's what you're hearing the reason I'm saying this to you is you're right there's way too much going on in there you're gonna screw that up completely

he had a point god grant me the courage to I don't know one thousand

and he said you want to give you prayers here's a press I got to press for you here's what you do I'm not ready I'm going this is very big

Sproston prayers from my sponsor

hi how cool is that okay little cards made eleven laminated right this is my mantra you got this number

spiritual now ma'am

my prayers tonight and he said all right when you wake up in the morning you crazy **** wakes up your eyes open up when you're in the bad you're already going in several voices are already talking to you which is how I usually will go up you know I mean it was a wake up in the morning I just went and had to move around Europe we've been on for some time

we got a few things we like to go over with you first of all your words reasons yet there's no point in Alabama

not so when you wake up in your eyes open up and you got all the covers and you know that thing and you like this for I want you to go I'm going to open up your clenched fists because I usually will come just

wake up open your hands

palms up and say whatever

you're starting to love them too and you

yeah and I thought we got it done and become a certificate whatever whatever whatever

whenever he goes okay when you get to bed at night which is getting a bad rap to cover some of the crazy **** I had right which palms up like this and say enough

and whenever whenever

three days later it's like nine AM I had my our sleep and I'm getting at this point

right and I and I Donald it's like nine MM number three hours and call upon don Madden Terry answered the phone that you would could possibly mistake that this was the right

not all Madden and I said Donald what is

I'm doomed

I said it's nine AM and I can't I can't going ASAP I can't do it I'm done I'm clicked on Friday I can't do this anymore I have no way of making it to tonight it's over I Serret around Iraq I can help with that good does your at the only gonna make it those are and we take a deep breath

he said now say enough is enough because I'm taking a deep breath

taking us save whatever

I just pause and I said

you can do that

you can just arbitrarily just stop a day and start another one it's look at the car Donald

okay so is it Wednesday now Tuesday the third

he's going to settle down and you can stop a day anytime you need to and begin again we're not beholden to the clock times an abstract concept that really exist anyway just don't know what what does never mind given that

can I ask about that later yeah later in about twenty years you can ask about that

just stick to simple simple simple it's nice for flowery it's nice for ornate that's all for us I'm I believe it's for me it must be simple ultimately the end of the day this must be a simple program not easy but simple it must be simple it is a magnificent bank to pick up the book and just rip it apart get into the words get into that the staff read the white part you know don't read read lots of the white party wrestle with all of this I love that I think it's terrific the end of the day it must be simple because you don't grab the new guy and say okay I'm gonna get in the concept of god knows nothing about twelve hours and closing all right first first we'll get into the Jesuit expression god will go into the Benedictine monk right

no it's do this do that do this what I know about Alcoholics Anonymous will never keep me sober ever what I do well it's a program of action I must take these actions of action of premeditation I prefer knowledge of god's will for me the power to carry that out why do I meditate to quiet the mind so that when the answers come I can hear them

because the answers don't got no dice stop calling me on the phone

here's to

not not methamphetamine not cocaine yet awesome god or he'll just send messages to the radio

when you drive on the freeways decode license plate so you'll know what channel to turn to to get the automatic message regards of

that's all stopped right but the interest come in the form of a thought a feeling and intuition as I pray as I meditate as a quiet my mind meditation I had a great discussion with but we

three ranked the same your name and they are just at the right we talked about meditation last night at dinner we had a fight we had a meal we had meditation doc it was a well rounded evening

and if I was really no big deal Mike them where I come from if there's no blood on the ceiling it was fine it didn't help at all

he went to a we talked about premeditation in and he's not even a simple meditations music two for the body to be still might be quiet with this understanding it is not the nature of the body to be still

bodies designed for movement it is not the nature of mine to be quiet so when I meditate and I sit and I asked the body to be still on the line to be quiet my body in my mind resisted that at every possible turn I see you can do what you can do a meditation counting from one to four breathing one react to breathing three read out for and then just go back and start and that sounds very very simple monotonous doesn't it would be it would be monotonous if you got the one through for several times in a row but no one does

not honestly depending okay long terms over spiritual guy good good good this is gonna get you gonna be excellent all right

one my back hurts a little bit

okay let's try that again

okay

one woman is very attractive

one my leg hurts now she's

and you think I'm terrible at meditation right now you're not no you're not because it's you're looking at the wrong way it's not about staying still and staying quiet it's about having the willingness to recognize and acknowledge without judgment what the mind does and what the body does and then to just come back

it isn't this

it's this

it's in this center it's this we come back to the center we don't present from

we come back to the center that's what it is so I just acknowledge own being lustful again come back I'm self centered up come back the the hindrances I'm self doubt just got you know and not self doubt bad self doubt

last

screw that it's just it just is what it is how on common for a human man to have doubt or fear or lust or envy or greed how unusual

to just see it is that it's very rare in not judge so much judgment I have one new year's resolution every year less judgment more tolerance less judgment more times because I say ours is a culture love and tolerance more for the rest of the world is locked up what's all that's all I love it love and that's a beautiful thing for us it's love and tolerance I mean I think they knew they were talking to

we're gonna have to get tolerance right up there with love because I am by nature intolerant I'm intolerant of myself and others it's the nature of being self centered freight it how can I not be try to meditate in the get out of the judgment of the parts of my mind you should just see them for what they are and come back and come back and come back and you find what happens is you continue in this seemingly meaningless process is a bit an internal change begins to calm and you become too with the book suggests rely upon intuition

and rely upon intuition not to listen to lessen the self doubt and to know that there is a consciousness beyond mine and if I can get myself out of the way I can tap into it and I can direct my life in accordance with that which I think is much more than I concept of god's will than mine right twelve how am I going to

I kind of wanted

K. twelve can I just say that okay I was there I was gonna back inspect

twelve having had a spiritual awakening as the result of working steps the result organised if that was the whole point to be restored to sandy sounds of mine to be relieved of the obsession to drink and use the walk near the Freeman having accomplished that having having had that experience is direct result of working the steps taking these actions that were outlined before me I can now practice these principles are found any steps and carry the message to the oncologist also offers I can practice these principles and hear the message third side of a triangle I'm getting my stuff later but I can be of service how can I help how can I help not because I'm a good guy because I want this over

what motivates you I I mean I love it when people explore the motivation to change you know

and we're in a ready you know my in my

all right my friend properly here in event and I missed the discussion group that I should be involved in the next eleven months of right

finished twelfth right now you can't even wish to give away one of the great brain twisters Ave

right I'm

B. service down and said to me I will give you everything that I have I will show you how to live a completely fundamentally different life the only thing that I will ask you use when you catch this bus which I'll talk about later when you catch the bus you must now land give away the guy walk in that door because there's a new wave of insanity washing up on this beach every day

and you must take your check your turning this human chain of recovery you must take your turn and I said okay I will and I've been honoring that promise to him every day since the day he died and I will hopefully god willing I believe he is I will be honoring that promise turnout as long as I live

it's the grace in life it is you think you car buys get sober give it to somebody else and watch those dead eyes light up across from you

I'm behind on everything there is

I am I everything

everything

and there's no bus like that

nobody's like that watching somebody come back from the dead so I am a service I am a service out of self service more god I just south more guard out of sophomore got get out of the way get me out of the way if I spend most of my time getting me out of the way I get much more done in life strange things the strange things that well first thing was time getting out of the way what about Iraq now what the hell what you

it presents itself I mean we were having a discussion the other dancing I I had lived I read a quote for some woman who sang to feel useless it's so silly because there is so much to be done

there is so much to be done and the interesting thing about this for me is is it in terms of the steps what company understanding the realization comes as a result of me god you intend on having a twelve continuing the process that I began here to scratch the surface to wrestle with these concepts to clog deeper what happens is is everything flips

everything flips and suddenly I am confronted the fact I had a completely **** backwards I've had it wrong I come to you and I do the steps and any time a member acknowledged I work on this and I do this in my motivates me as I am desperately alone and afraid I've been alone for so long I don't even know I was a loan to like been here for a couple years that I did I had nothing to compare it to I was just alone and isolated in dark

and I suddenly I'm calling my sponsor up and saying I was upset and I called him up and said Donna something is going wrong and he said what is it and I said I love you

and I was serious I swarm out in Mexico in nineteen seventy four I would never ever let another human being again as long as I live and I would never ever tell you who I was originally gonna let me this is our all you like and don't like it's got nothing to do with me I'm out I'm out and I think so you come in the market I'm dating you when you call up next exam yet my response is actually

where do I send a gift I'm here

right you stay in my life you don't stay in my life you live your doctor you don't because I'm too damaged to broken to unavailable for loving and being loved I can't do that and all of a sudden I work this thing because I'm gonna die drunk and as a result of doing these things in this life I discovered that I love this man the hell's going on in here I was upset B. be aware newcomer

I actually heard a guy went to the podium to say if you know when you have marked the steps run for your life

I went

not only did she said right there

isn't

when I talking about

it's backwards man I thought if I came here and I loved you then you would Love Me

if I was honest with you then you would love me this would be my reward this was what I saw

was this I will love you so that you will Love Me and I could because apparently it's gonna happen anyway I gotta I gotta have something to say about this right I'm honestly getting the odds of me if I'm if I'm respectful of you toward you you will be respectful to me

and I was completely wrong that is not my experience something much more remarkable happened has because I had become I was honest with you I became a more honest man not an honest man it marks

nine I move in the direction of honest

as I was loving to you what happened was I was becoming a loving man I was respectful to you I was becoming a respectful manner I was no longer demanding respect I was giving it I was no longer demanding in requesting to control and manipulate you so that you would Love Me I was just loving him and that the like I said it's in here it's not out here I was after the big house on the hill in the cars and the women in the drugs in the notoriety and all that stuff and I got all of it and I was dying on the hill was dying on the hill I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and I found myself in a one room apartment driving a little nineteen sixty eight votes wagon that you had to park on a hill seven year old and healing pox started rolling in I was and I would go to meetings and meetings on flat ground and we just leave the Volkswagen running outside

I was the only guy in a the new you got two gallons two hours to the gallon and it's not just run out there the people come out and nobody still I mean it was worth a dollar

yeah and that's how I got here destroyed and it was not in the happiness that I experienced in those first three years of of my involvement without autonomous has it is with me today

because I learned the car is never gonna make me happy I will not know true happiness from an automobile or even even a pretty woman

or a kind woman I will not know happiness over there I will not the money right now do I seek money property and prestige sure I'm alive it's what we do here we play so I played the game and I have a lot of fun and I do all of that stuff but what I have to remember always is that it doesn't come first it can never come first these things will not make me happy what makes me happy is the inside work the inside job do I have a relationship with a power greater than myself do I have moments in my life where guys like my breath yes I have those moments right and they sustain me