Steps 4-9 at the Road to Recovery convention

everybody please welcome dog is gonna do steps for tonight and welcome back

good afternoon everyone my name is Doug row and I am grateful alcoholic

grateful

grateful to be an alcoholic and I'm grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and the reason I say that

it's just here take the newcomers

I

I don't know it does

made me mad men when I heard it you know

first time

first time I heard somebody say

I'm a grateful alcoholic not I'm a figure out you know that figure out I I you say something and I figure out what you mean and

and I I

the first time that I heard somebody say I am a grateful alcoholic

I started working on it because it that I know that they don't mean I'm grateful to be an alcoholic that's two dump

this guy is an alcoholic is it because

he

the ease an alcoholic who is incidentally grateful that he got his driver's license back

he's an alcoholic who is

happens to be grateful that he didn't lose his job

this guy is an alcoholic who is grateful that he got to keep his family of course that makes sense the guys are alcoholic who is incidentally grateful he got his driver's license back so we could drive to stupid grateful job and support is grateful damn family and because he couldn't possibly mean that he's grateful to be an alcoholic Zach I'm just so delighted to have this disease what's the only way I can arrest it is just not to ever swallow another drop of alcohol

thank you no okay I figured that out so that what I did was I missed the next ten minutes of everything that was said so that's why I want to clear this up when I see him a great thought to look I mean I'm grateful to be an alcoholic at for a number of reasons one ev I wasn't alcoholic I couldn't be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I love the Alcoholics Anonymous the place I wasn't going to fit the only place I ever fit in my life only place I've ever felt in my life I didn't even fit my own family they

I shared I shared one time at a meet my mother went with me one time and it to a meeting where I was speaking around her house local meeting there and and I said that I didn't come from a from a dysfunctional family is I know a lot of alcoholics do and my mother said to me on the way home

you shouldn't tell those people that you didn't come from a dysfunctional family

and I said you think it was dysfunctional she said was okay after you left

so Clancy's right it's a disease of perception and

cool

I I want and and also

I'm grateful to be an alcoholic because my life at sixteen years and three months sober I believe is better than it would have been had I not been an alcoholic I mean if I had stayed out if I'd been an alcoholic who didn't get sober I may not be alive now of course I'd be grateful for that but I believe that my life today is better

being an alcoholic having been an alcoholic having been a drug having having heard everybody who ever cared about me thrown away everything of value that I had coming in here missing teeth walking with a limp control and just not having anything worth having

and I thought my life was over when it came to Alcoholics Anonymous I believe today that my life is better because I'm an alcoholic then it would have been if I wasn't an alcoholic you could have told me that when I was new and and is another reason I mean if I'm not an alcoholic what the hell is wrong with me you know I have this some may right and

and I believe that

I believe that because of the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous they were here to talk about today

my life is better than it would have been and and I I

I certainly would not have taken the steps I don't want to take the steps when I when I got sober I tried to avoid him for a little while and and

because it didn't seem necessary seem like a lot of work that really didn't apply to me and fact I look at the steps my first meeting I saw the steps even though I was sort of offended by all the talk of god in power greater than yourself and spirituality I was kind of impressed with that the gist of the thing and I thought I knew some people who could really benefit from that from those steps

and and I understand that the

the this convention this gathering is called Sparano stiffness is that right yeah I say right is I I'm I'm trying to I'm trying to get some

some of that I'm trying to pick up Icelandic phrases you know so I can go home and impress people at

Anna

I learned I learned to say talk fitter mig you know I for a thank you for the meal and and that's about all yeah and I sort out me one well I thought he taught me when at the other night I thought he was saying

I'm going home I live close to here which was I bought a small house I am not so I'm trying you're above the smallest I bought the smallest and what he was saying was I bought a small house

not far from here and it's a

so but I'm still gonna use that when I go home because no one in my home will know

I'll I'll look at both the smallest

this is a man that Doug has a gift for languages doesn't eight

but but I understand that sport almost if not is a means step convention this is a step convention this is what whether I pronounce it correctly or not this is a step convention and and I'm so glad to be a part of a step convention I'm I'm not actually thrilled about

conducting a workshop on four through nine these are work steps and I I'm gonna tell my sponsor when I go home that I conducted this workshop and he'll laugh for some time I feel that for quite a while

as my sponsor a client H. is well known for conducting step workshops and he's really quite good at it

I he's only been my sponsor since November and I've been sober for sixteen years in my first five years of sobriety I went through the steps one through twelve three times Anna so I had some

some experience there and and during the time between

five and sixteen I took other people through the steps and now so I sort of like I I sort of like if I hired on as a guide through Africa though I've never been there and

yeah that's that's not exactly true but that's the way Clint would put it at

step four

before I go and I really want to thank the committee for asking me here the people the I'm so impressed we all are with the the eight people in Iceland that

it's fresh yeah and and there's don't don't misunderstand there's a lot of excited and exciting people in a in the United States and and around the world but to see the level of excitement and interest in and as Karen mentioned earlier to see if the room full first steps that you generally don't see that at conventions in the states people show up for the main speakers and and they'll go out and socialize during the step studies if there are steps that he's at and that and that's okay that's Alcoholics Anonymous too but it's exciting six sighting to come here and see so many people who are who are interested who were are hungry for this thing hungry for this thing is really

and and so I'm delighted to be a part of it and I and I want to thank all the people CQ is pick this up but when we arrived in in is is sort of a instrumented a lot of the the things that we've been able to do here and and of course so who emailed me and and and has been took us to our house for dinner and cook for us and she is she's a spotlight you know she's she's a a light house of this thing she you look at her and it makes you happy to see her happiness I that's that's the kind of faces that I like to see in in Alcoholics Anonymous you know and yesterday and floor took us on a on a trip around the golden circle in and get to see all these all this great part of of your country and and of course alley and and I mean I I I should've started naming names because I'm gonna leave out important names

who I should have thanked Anna but I'm just so grateful to be a part of this now step four

step four

is the one where people it's the bogging down it's it's where people because maybe they've done step one maybe they've done step two I don't know we know over I know when I did it step two I could not have done it was it was done for me it was done for me as a result of saying god if you're there please help me god took me to a place where step two was done for me and I could notice it that's the only way I could have done it other people come in here there's only eight I won't go into a long thing about step two there's only two premises one is that I'm insane and one that there's a power greater than myself I couldn't exist I don't have any trouble with the insane part it was just I didn't recognize any power greater than myself and and and that's necessary to get the step three you're not going to turn you will in your life over to something you don't understand in fact you can't understand it was told to me I I said to a man how can I

how can I turn my life over to something I don't even understand it he said Doug is when these old timers you know it's like comfortable all the time he said

Doug you don't have to understand the infinite it's not a requirement of step three and you don't have to understand the incident well that's a relief and

so when I got to step I did step three with my sponsor

my sponsor was a year and a half sober when I came here

and I didn't know until we finish step three and I said okay I'm gonna do my inventory now and my sponsor Jim said

I can help you with that

I haven't done an inventory he had been a year and a half so but he hadn't done it but he he's the one who told me if you can't read it page if you can't read chapter read a page of you can't read it page read a paragraph read that book every day he took me on panels to prison he got me to meetings men's meetings in mixed meetings and speaker meetings and spoke study meetings he was a good sponsor but he hadn't done the steps and you couldn't take me through the steps and and he said and he told me they didn't try to take me where you couldn't go and he said to me

you're gonna have to find somebody else to do the steps with if you want to get another sponsor I'm okay with that don't worry about me and I I had decided not to get another sponsor I like Jim as a sponsor but I want other people for help and there was a guy in my home group of San Fernando in Los Angeles area

who is twenty years sober here's a great big Irish guy named Stan Mahoney's dead now this I guess it's okay to break anonymity after they die you know

unless they didn't want to but you know they were an alcoholic it too bad your decks so

but Stan

Stan was a great big guy he's a tough guy he was a hero motorcycles he was a machinist it was a special effects guy for films and any work at universal pictures in any he did intricate machine machining and I I respected everything I knew about stand and he was twenty years sober and I went to when I set up my sponsor hasn't done the steps and I need to do an inventory can you will you help me with that he's absolutely gave me his phone number and so I read the book

and I read the

twelve and twelve

and so what they had to say and I called Stan and I said okay I'm I'm ready to do my four step and he said did you mean your first step

and I said no no I'm I what I'm gonna do I'm done the four step I'm gonna don't do the four step in a cell okay do that income and so well I I need help with it

and because I thought I heard people say they went over to the sponsor's house and did the fourth step Anna and stand said well okay you do your four step and then call me we'll get together with the first step I said not stand I don't know what to do and he said the directions and book any almost hung up a massive wait whoa whoa stand I read the book I read the big book and I read the twelve and twelve and I don't understand how to do it I don't know what to do and he said the directions are in there I should but I need to come over you can walk me through this show me what to do and guide me through it he said Doug I can't do your god damn inventory Fauria

god so I said well

I don't understand it he said the directions in the book you said you did you ever work on an engine okay now he's talking my language yet I'm a motorcycle guy he's a motorcycle guy he's a machinist I've taken engines apart I said yeah and he said I could use a motor manual suggests

and he said okay did you read the motor manual then put up on the shelf and then go take the engine apart

no and he said okay that's what that's what we do here you you open your modem manual it says take a half inch wrench take the carburetor off do you do that then you go back to the book and it says take a Phillips head screwdriver unfastened these fittings

and I was getting the picture okay he said that's what you do your renewal but you do what it says they need to read some more than you do what it says and you'll get to it that's exactly what happened exactly what happened I went through I follow the book in fact I think it's interesting that week I think of stew step four as the first action step the fridge in fact in the twelve and twelve it says this is the first step with this tangible evidence that we did anything and and yet it's it's still in how it works the next chapter after that is called into action it was only building even consider this action you know what but we do it's tough for me and and chapter of us step five is a lot more difficult for some people but step four was real difficult for me I was looking forward to step five and Anna and I opened it in and open the book and it talked about resentments

we put our resentments down a paper where where we were

where we were angry at says we were angry and and being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what defeatism we considered it's common manifestation so evidently the whole problem and it says this in various ways in the big book the whole problem with me you know my ego myself was the problem whatever whatever it however it manifested itself and so I can he says you know we were mentally and physically ill as well as well as spiritually sick and in dealing with resentments we set them on paper so it's supposed to look at our resentments in chapter four things we resent it and I started out I didn't I I saw this this form over here the my first inventory I think we should we all see that we got our first big but we look we're kind of alcoholics are people who look for pictures you know I know and I looked through the book and we see this little form over here I assume it's the same way in in the Icelandic book where this all of a sudden it's it's a chart you know it's not it it's almost the closest thing we have to a picture and we see that in

yeah you know Mister brown you know we paid attention to my wife and that this other woman wanted her husband dead put the house in her name you know and and my wife wants me to do you know all this all these resentments and and I didn't exactly understand that form when I started when I started writing about resentment I wrote I don't really have very many resentments a couple of people that now people I've worked for this guy has to read a little bit better about him you know and then I you know I I actually I do resent my grandmother

I resent my grandmother the Pentecostal minister because every time I wanted some help she told me to pray

okay wow Hey dad just turned it over to god and my mother

god lover I found that in Texas you can say anything about anybody if you follow it with god love them and that

I had my mother and my mother one of the best for me but there were times

she used to she felt sorry because I wasn't eating right you know and so she would cook all these meals and freeze them and they were like balanced meals and put him in a ice chest and bring them to my house in Hollywood fifty miles away from where she lived price some food you know but these in your freezer and then you can microwave in when you're hungry you know it's a mom's job not a mom's job to provide foods or sun can spin the food money on cocaine but

I couldn't explain that to her so I would say thank you and talk for a meeting and I

I did it you know so but but after I got sober I realize she she stood in the way between me and my bottom

I kind of resented that I I would hit bottom a lot sooner so I put her on the list I have a daughter who was born when I was on the road with hair

and her name is star shine she can't help her parents were hippies

hello my daughter I was crazy about my daughter my daughter went to private school when when her mother and I broke up I agreed to take care of her medical expenses and put her and and keep her in private school all all for school career and so I had to I had to get a job and now I couldn't be and I couldn't follow my acting career in people would say how you doing you got going out for any parts no I you know I really have to keep my job because you know stars in school and I you know I have to take care now

I resented star a little bit because she stood in the way of my acting career

all right I knew I shouldn't but that you know I was trying to be honest here and then you know I really

I I have friends who had three kids they lived at home they live with their mom somewhere he lived at home and and my friends went out for parts they got things they held down a job too and they would get a job where they could go out for parts and they got their careers going that but it's hard you know it's real good to in their career so it's great to have an excuse I gotta keep my daughter in school you know so at least I could do is give up my acting career to which is kind of hard anyway and you know and so I started to realize these things but the biggest resentment I had this with this one little gentleman I was I wrote a musical comedy I wrote all the music I wrote the script and I got some people together who I knew some musical people and we put together this production of a a low budget production we got producers and we got money people in to look at this thing and we recorded all the music all all fourteen songs and we had it all on tape and I got a lot of somebody picked up the option they had it under option for a year and a half and look like the show was going to go to Broadway and then they kind of fell apart in the option people didn't say they don't want to hold the option money they let it go and so I only show again and so and somebody came to me and who who is associated with Davy Jones from the monkeys and said I think this would be a good show for David Jones at can I can I borrow the music and take it and and and try to pitch it as a show so I said sure I gave them all these three reel to reel tapes that I had inside here yeah great Davy Jones would be terrific and then I took it and it long story short which is too late he

he lost the tapes he lost the recorded music this was years before I got sober but when I did

when I actually did my fist up

it came up when I did my other no resentments and I really resent people very much with this guy

this guy lost my music you know

mana and stamina said the now I don't know anything about the music business but

is that the way it's usually done is somebody wants to hear the music can you give him the only recorded data copies you have

okay you don't understand I am

this guy was a professional

he was associated with Davy Jones okay if you can't trust him with the only copies away but you shouldn't you make another copy okay I'm not talking about my copies talking about I want to get you know and I and it became really clear what my part in it is an end of that given that more in the in the fifth step but so I wrote down my resentments and I wrote down in you know

in the resentments I really didn't have a lot of resentments that weren't resolved when I got sober but you know they were I resented the government for taxing me okay everybody has that problem you know get over it

thanks I actually quit paying taxes for a while and I found out that's not good

and they have time they have all the time in the world

when I got sober I I owed a hundred and sixty eight thousand dollars in back taxes now when I got sober but by the time I was about four years sober and and the interest and penalties had acquired and accumulated and

and I said you know can can we do a a compromise on this and pay a part of what it's worth is it now you're young

and we'll be here

so

in these resentment in this resentment last

it says

referring to our list again it goes back to the list of resentments that we had it says referring to our list again putting our minds putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done us we resolutely look for our own mistakes

where had we been selfish dishonest self seeking and frightened frightened

and and I

to me this is something that

okay we have we have resentments fears and sexual relations are the three categories in in inventory and I have to say that in in my case in the case of a lot of people that I've worked with iota men's I hurt people

I injured people that I had no resentment against

I had no fear of and I never had sex with nope twenty people that I did have sex with were injured as well but that was just as a some position that we were trying that night you know I was

the

okay I didn't translate well also

you know it but but all these these things where had we been selfish dishonest self seeking and frightened and another part in the next page regarding our sex conduct it said where had we been selfish dishonest inconsiderate where had we allowed our ego to stand in the way of us being good citizens of us being good friends of us being good relatives good fathers good children good parents good spouses wear head wear had I allowed my ego and I think that's what I needed to look at in in here and these and now

these three categories just maybe heresy would be in some in some areas of California to say that the big book as it's laid out

resentment fear and sex didn't cover everything I needed to have in my inventory that certainly covered a lot you know I I thought my sex inventory was going to be huge because I'd been many you know little rock star for a few years and and I had also been a cocaine dealer for a few years and consequently because of those two positions I have had a lot of sex and

I I told that to stand when I did my fifth step you know I did this and I did that and and and and he said well I know you just seem like a red blooded American boy to me you just had a couple of good jobs in so you know I mean he he made it simple and and

Stan made a lot of things clear to me I I I looked at my fears and you know my fear at that time when I was newly sober with the same

the primary fear was the same fear I have now looking bad I say I don't want to do this workshop

I would much rather call my sponsors a look I'll pay your way to Iceland coming to this workshop because these people need to have a good day a good four through nine workshop and the reason is not because I don't know about the steps

is because I don't want to look bad and looking back

it is my greatest fear it was when I got here it is now and it probably will be tomorrow and that is my greatest fear

Scott Redman pointed out to me he's not dead but I broke his anonymity to and I

pointed out to me that fear is subjective and an ice well yeah I suppose everybody's fate of different things and he said now is the things that we're afraid of right now we both talk about being afraid afraid of looking bad if not look at being cool but if you're walking through a dark alley and three young strong men come up to you

and once your money your fear changes your primary fear becomes what's going to happen to me right now you know so it is subjective but most of the time my greatest fear is just not looking good you know that's why I was kidding last night about not asking questions but the truth is I'd rather not ask questions unless I think asking question will make me look good at

I can't think of a smart enough question so that's my fears were simple and my sex relations were simple and my resentments were simple but say but when I before I got them on paper they seem very complicated very complicated and I and I poured my heart out to this guy stands and I it took about an hour and a half maybe because we sat in a car in the parking lot of the San Fernando group and we got it done and he said to what did you leave out

and I looked down and then I thought now there were some things that I came across later that I realized I had left out and I deal with them later but at the time that was that was the best I was the most I could do it was everything I could remember that I thought I needed to put in my inventory and stand said

well let's

let's pray about it

and I think this is the answer this is the one we're gonna get that got shot and I'm gonna feel joyous and free

instance it to

god we thank you for this fellowship in our sobriety

please help me and dad to stay sober to see your will for us and give us the power to carry out let's go ahead noon meeting what he say you know and and that was it and the fact is I did start to feel happy joyous and free I wasn't the

you know wasn't that much different the and and I and I was very grateful to stand out the fact is a few few days later I was here instantiate Anna and he said something about gay people then I thought that's

Canada cold you know a kind of intolerant sucked in the end and then I started listening to men share became obvious to me that stand Mahoney

get Stanley is a

a racist a sexist and homophobic

I'm not only none of those things I have taken stands I've marched against people who thought that way and I just buried my shoulder this **** and

I went to the old timer of our group woman named Ruth who who is just focused spiritually focused all the time and I said Ruthie

I told her what I did I did my fifth step with Stan and she said oh that's good as I said you know he's a sexist he's a racist he's a homophobic she said yeah we all know that about

I bared my soul to him and she said Doug

don't put people in a on a pedestal don't ever do that there's no room to dance up there and and I I I cherish that thought because Ruth's concern was not with me for baring my soul to another member of Alcoholics Anonymous that's what I should have done and Stan was fun it was a great stand may have been the perfect person to hear it because I respected and when I went to the car with him and and which she was concerned with was Stan would have no room to dance you know and that's what I get concerned with now once a while I do this thing and people think I bring some kind of light to the room I know that I'm not allowed I'm it the best I'll ever be is a window if I'm doing my job I'm a windows I got the window clean in the drapes open and gods alike can come through that's the best I can ever do but people will put you on a pedestal they think you know something sometimes and there's no room to dance up there you know we're all we're all here because we're not all there you know that I mean where she is

in the

when I when I have taken people through fifth steps down as I said I I've gone to the step process

four times in my sobriety Anna

there are

there are people who have had a lot rougher lives than I have and I had I I came from upper middle class family who was not an alcoholic family I I didn't have a bad childhood it was long was like forty two years you know but it wasn't wasn't bad and animals

well I've heard some fifty steps

where people just ruined children grew in children people who were abused mentally and physically and sexually or you just want to cry you want to go home god you should drink you know

and and and I and I ask for guidance in

and there was a guy that that I that I sponsored and took to this process and that was all I could do to keep from bursting out in tears affect thinking of it now so I can do and ice

he said the

he kind of joked about it and I'm listening to it number and I'm thinking how can you joke about this and I said this is some serious stuff you know yeah I know you know because I was literally and and I said it it's not funny this is a resentment this is worth resenting and and he said yeah I I well and it turns out as we talked about it he thought

that it's seven years old

he had done something to cause this

his father and his father's sister isn't sexually abused him for years and he thought that because it was a sexual thing and some of it actually felt good to him

of course that's sex feels good even if you're being abused and taken advantage of sometimes and he thought that he had done something to cause it and he didn't want to look at his part in it

and I was able not to anything that I know because it was so far out of my experience but just because I have prayed for guidance instead

you didn't cause this

you have some blame in this but it's not anything you cost the only blame you need to address is that you are holding on

to this resentment

and the resentment will block your sunlight at the spirit

that's what you need to work on letting go

you don't need to look at what you did to cause this and I I don't know where that came from I didn't know I knew that

and and I said it to me he realized and and that's what we do around here we tell each other more than we know

yeah and the guests as well you know I I

I wanted to actually spend some time on on six and seven

because I wanted you to understand that there's only a couple of paragraphs and you're on six and seven and they're very very important but I'm I used up a lot of my time

and so I just tell you they're very important

father in Dowling told told bill Wilson

chapter I step six is the step that separates the men from the boys he recognized the significance of step six when I was new I used to joke about step six I would say I wasn't even sober yet and I'd say I'm on step six of girls would say Omar that's impressive and it's M. down four and five yet but I'm ready to let him go you know

yeah we let them defects going also I don't know if you hear this up here I hope you don't people will say there I know people in Los Angeles who will go to great lengths to explain to you the difference between character defects and shortcomings in a sexy because it character defects in in seven eight calls its shortcomings however in the book I like in the book they mix them up the college the college character defects in seven in fact the the seven step prayer

says

M. well systems says

where is that during prayer

home featured sponsor well this good prayer in here about

about us step seven minutes is our my creator I I want that you should have all of me the good and the bad

and and and the good and the bad and then it says take away from me every defect of character the stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows so in the seven step prayer and uses defect of character and in this in this step itself it's a shortcoming there's no difference bill Wilson said there's no different people ask me what's the difference he said I was a new writer I didn't want to use the same word twice in the same you know and and but there are people who go for the words you may have heard some of them speak who will tell you about the words and I and that's why I like to talk about the music the words are very confusing to me but we we have to be ready to let these defects go we identify them in in our fourth step M. and we talk about and discuss and let him go on our first step and and we're ready to have god remove them in the six step into the seven step we humbly ask him to remove them

and they're in the regional Texas said humbly on our knees

ask it didn't if it didn't say this is what we do is a visible you better do and the regional tech set only on your knees ask god to remove are these your shortcomings

and my sponsor points out that we do humbly ask we humbly ask whom he said when you're on your knees you have to be humble

Anna

it's hard to get in a fight this fight we saw last night at one of those guys gotten on the need to fight would've been over you know I

it's hard to say Hey what the hell you think you're doing when you're down on your knees and so it's it's a good way to humble yourself and that's where I start out every day on my knees saying thanks for another day helped me to see your will for me given the power to carry it out then go out and screw something up and that I wanted to I want to talk about the night step I want to talk about my experience with a nine step

because

I I had a a number of experiences of making amends and some where I went to people and said I owe you money I work for the American broadcasting company for seven years I stole from one time I built a box to steal a TV and I built a box with wheels on it I still the would I still the wheels I still the time to build it I saw the television I put in the box locked all up world of my truck and start like it was a toolbox and stole it when I got sober I was sober awhile and I went and went to the company went to the guy who fired me he didn't fire me for that if I am for some of the stuff and I said told what I did and he'd figure it all out he said I figure you owe us about eight hundred fifty dollars and I said okay

Danielle can I make payments and he said here's the deal he should be hard for me to get the money back in the system I could do it

what I like to do I've been hearing some good things about you

if I ever hear of you taking a drink again

I'm gonna go after you through your union and I will make you pay this money back other than that sign this paper that says you owe and I'll put it in my drawer and if you don't ever drink again you don't owe us a dime

so that was the deal so I'd I signed the paper and I thought that was kind of interesting and ally I can't drink