The Saturday evening speaker at the Road to Recovery convention

like I promise I'll tell you a little bit a little joke before we start

since I I wrote down a forty five minute stand up for this evening

I'm just gonna tell a little joke

well since the there are the three of you here these this song the stories about three people they were normally have these three alcoholics

and sitting in a bar in England

one alcoholic from Maryland one from Ireland and one from Scotland

sitting together drinking Guinness is

for some reason or another I don't know just follows the story that's three flights are in there you know flying together having fun they all have the peers of the same time

I think is my looks at his Guinness

you know squeeze out the whole look like me you know I have to have my beer ice cold relentless the first one

but it doesn't really matter

but this must have been his first because he looks at a distance and goes

soft burger may I bought today would you take that away please give me another band that's revolting couldn't didn't didn't even years after

it gets another beer right the Irish guy for religious I'm drunk

six of the bearing goes

the number of all those children born during

brings up the problem

we got stolen is pissed

all she

she

you can curse and you told me that today

well he's here he's back

all you people came here to say I'm

and without further ado

I've been looking for for this for a long time the one and only high tower

my name is Earl and I'm an alcoholic

hi everyone first I want to once again thank those are taken such good care of us on this trip I want to thank Sadie for everything he's done for us it's been a very gracious gracious man Thor solat

Fidesz dance with us saying to us really

and I and all the others Haley I don't know where he is he's around somewhere in there and just all the people that I've met you've all been so kind to us and

it's just really been a magical trap it's been magical

the M. say the master

the best we want to bring into America

you know two or two thousand three just

this start all the meetings just started meeting in Ghana's kick off meeting in Gaza yeah I don't even know what he's talking about and I love it just great energy

and also I want my two cents on those of you in the in the kitchen staff to chef everybody that help I've been to

almost four hundred conferences I am myself writing speaking around the the world and I can say without question that is the finest meal I have ever had

so

I see that my time is up

so

I am an alcoholic guy

I drank

yes I drank I did not start drinking until I was twelve

I held off as long as I possibly could I had been restless irritable and discontent in for some time prior to that

and I didn't have a plan

you know I didn't know that alcohol is the answer for me I didn't know what was the thing that would kill the fear I didn't know that it was the thing that would bring to me the ease and contentment that I sought I didn't know that it would make all things even in right in the world for me I didn't know that I was twelve resign I get shipped off to boarding school when I was twelve

my father came in my room and said

get in the car

the high wind gone the car and there were several family members there and I'll caravan of cars drove off and we drove and drove and drove and drove and drove and we got to this the base of the foothill of this mountain there was a school campus there and I got out of the car and my father got out of the company put a suitcase down next to me nobody else got a car and he shook my hand he said this will make a man idea got in the car and they drove off I was in boarding school now the fact is I was given an opportunity for a wonderful education held me in good stead to this very day the feeling was was that I had just been thrown away by the people who know me best in the world and I didn't know what I had done to be cast out of the family I am

given the choice but I've I've never been one to pay much attention to the facts it's the feelings that I focus on and I've always focused on it hit me in my god

and I called home for three days talking to my mother begging her to come get me I was twelve years old I was five feet tall a hundred and three pounds as my father put it manhood was just around the corner

I was a child and I called home begging my mother to you know come get me bring me home and I could hear my father in the background hang up

she just answering any conflict and after three days it was like something broke inside me and I I thought you know what if you don't want me I want you know when I turn my back on my family pretty much never went back

and I entered into this journey of this New World in this New World was a a think tank for boys they had the I I had that they had done some tests on me and they discover that I had a very high thank you I don't have it anymore so I'm not bragging

along gone and I

this is they scoured the earth to find two hundred and fifty the brightest most disturbed young man they can possibly find and they put us all on this campus was like a lord of the flies in this place it was just crazy and now I was the youngest and the smallest kid in the whole school

and I was walking around campus just kind of you know books on my arm trying not to make eye contact with anybody and tiny found me every high school has a tiny tiny he's you know six four two hundred forty pounds you know please guard on the football team actually tiny found me he walked up I said how you doing punk me slap me in the back of the head send me in my books flying and I had this like out of body experience

where I was watching as I walked up the tiny my head voice in my head was saying don't do this and as I walked right up to tiny and hit him as hard as I could which had no effect on tiny whatsoever and I just stood there looking up at this guy he looked down at me he said you got a lot of guts kidney beat the crap out of me on the spot it hasn't taken the beating I'm thinking this is going pretty good

because I was absolutely terrified of this guy but he had said you got a lot of guts my violence had masked the fear he didn't know I was afraid so it was a a victory of sorts for me I went back to my little dorm room waiting for the sit around waiting for the bleeding to stop

and word spread across this campus like wildfire watch out for this little high terra kid he's a maniac he attacked tiny

then I got this reputation that has absolutely nothing to do with who I am I'm a frightened child right now I'm a you know a wild man so the cool guy started to come around every you know that click right and I am I'm sitting in my room and this getting Matt sticks his head in the doorway and he says that Hey you wanna smoke a joint

and I looked at him I said

no yes I do

and I didn't have any idea what he was talking about

and it really didn't matter what I heard was you want to hook up with us yes it was yeah I'm alone in the universe right yeah yeah he could have said listen we're gonna go kill the Spanish teacher do you wanna come

yeah I'm with you go

if so we swung by Steve's room and Steve had a Tupperware container full of cheap red wine wrapped in tin foil I mean no grapes involved red wine she fortified stuff right we were behind the dorm a twelve year old to thirteen year olds children and he fired up the joint I. T. ticket hidden I just did what he didn't have burned my lungs in my throat maaf pass that along at knots on my head you know I'm dizzy in the wind cameras that will will try this young took a poll on long poem on the wind and we can just burn my stomach and what the vapors were coming up you know I mean I hand them this awesome thing and this sucks I mean just like a few days ago was living with my family was happy everything was nice right boom right I got a large people trying to kill me I got not some I had a mentor about my family my lungs are burning I'm standing over these two total strangers my stomach hurts I hate my life the way this is going I'm gonna be dead by Friday

it's just a hireling down and I'm miserable miserable

I don't stare at these two guys right and they're teenagers Ron I'm only twelve is that a big deal and I mean they're lording it over me and and it happened just

that thing that makes me bodily different from my fellows occurred and suddenly this warm feeling just kind of came up over me and for the first time in my little twelve years I was comfortable standing around with Stan and doing what I was doing with the people I was doing it with everything was okay and I didn't know is that the pot is the wine is it the fact that I'm standing here with my two very close personal friends Matt

is on view and that they're my boys now all right and I don't care what caused it all I know is my experience that first night was I can feel better than I've ever felt before in my life I can feel empowered I can feel the fear just slide off on me I can be comfortable talking to these guys I did my family doesn't want me school room I don't want them

kind of got a problem with me bring it timeless go again see what happens I'm feeling it now and

I'm okay I'm just I'm okay I'm okay and nobody died that night nobody went to prison that night nobody went to the mental institution that night no blood was drawn all those things are gonna happen but that was not my experience at that moment my experience was feel better than you ever felt before in your life and nothing bad happens I'm in I'm in I gotta find it were man Stever hanging out tomorrow I go back to my room get some sleep get up get my little books shake it off back to school no harm no foul it was a humble beginning from Miller pipeline and I'm off to the races and I made a commitment I need to do is as often as I possibly can which turned into every six every day for the next sixteen years no matter what

many good reasons came a long way away I should stop drinking and using many good reasons I never touch the brakes because I didn't know how to I mean it it would became like my breathing so early in my life thirteen was pills and one is I took a pill was the guys walked up to me and said was like a couple of pills and I said well bill yes I would I would like a couple of bills

and he gave them to me in twenty minutes later I'm laying on the floor and I'm very happy there

I feel very good down there

that same feeling is coming over me drinking in the pot in the pill and everything else the same I'm on the floor and this is All I Want to know was what you'd call at

institutional into an already strong onto an all second class they'll all that stuff and fourteen was psychedelics and the only reason I took a psychedelic as I was on a ten hour pass from boarding school with the with Debbie

yeah

having them he was a bad girl

and I have respect for Debbie to this day Debbie was a bad girl and an older woman she was fifteen and a half

and Debbie I was very an errand with Debbie and Debbie said that would you like to drop some acid and I said well yes I would

once again I have no idea what's going on so Debbie Spencer has a lipstick to

and spends it happened a little bit on the and I just took it popped in my mouth and swallowed it she said did you take the whole thing

I simply ask Debbie I did it was a very small thing I mean is this horse caps on and not very

the system allows three hits a white lightning

needless to say the next two days were very interesting

very interesting you one point we were in I I kind of came out of that asset blackout I mean a market and she's with me and we're pretending we're married

and I looked and I said

do we have any children

she looked at me and said yes to

and I said then Rooney these diapers right here

kind of faded back out and that's all I remember about that

with this day markets are difficult for me hi

I go into markets if you ever notice I don't know but here in America they blocked off all the exits you go in through a turnstile and the only way out through a checker sent somebody to check you out you're trapped in there in the lighting in the little rose and everything's just you know nice and neat and tidy in the neon lighting it can get a little smoky in there

and a lot of decisions have to be made in the market now do I want the cream corn the regular corn the corn on the cob somewhere over there screw it I'll come back later have you ever seen the car you're right we're in the market you just rolling down the aisle you see a car just there was nobody with the abandoned cart I understand that guy that guy just went too far is that I'll be back later this

hi mark is that anyway I'm a beginning spot fifteen I started shooting drugs the only reason I did that was because I was on a boat marina dog did marina del Rey California and

another girl Cammy lovely girl what got to me with a syringe in her hand so we like me to stick this in your body and I said why yes I would camp and she did and it was a very good shot it was one of those ones where you just go

and on the way down I'm thinking

if that didn't kill me I'm doing it again

right

yeah I'm talking about drugs and identify as an alcoholic and I have to explain

I'm a child of the sixties

and we were there the heavy snow really happy I we were carving out our own identity we were not going to drink ourselves to death the way our parents were doing we were going to kill ourselves in a whole new way we were carving out our identity so we were very very focused on the drugs but the fact of the matter is for me and you have to understand any knowledge your real information I have about my life is in retrospect having done inventory work having really thought back on it was some kind of honesty and look in the truth for me was

my drug of choice was when you got

I mean it's all antiviral medication to me thank you enough for what you've got in my body to kill the fear and that's what this is all about for me it's the fear killer is the thing that makes it possible for me to breed like other people breed to see the world like I think other people see it to walk out into the world and interact with other human beings that's what it does for me takes that gnawing anxiety that fear that lived inside me all my days it takes it away and it's vital to my ability to function at all I like I prefer going down

I like alcohol heroin barbiturates these are a few of my favorite things I like that direction but if you don't have any of those can't get out let's go up

I can't remember I mean I'll take a big bag of cocaine please okay can I get a good night's just sitting around checking my balls not doing anything else just sit

there's another one

yes very good I I like that nothing going on but if I can't up is fine I'm happy to go on window patrol I'm happy to drive the freeways decoding license plates in the psychotic state sure that's up or down is fine

doesn't really matter because my most important thing for me is I have to get out of right here right now because right here right now I'm self centered and I'm afraid right here right now I'm never measured up I'm comparing my insides to your outside and I'm losing every time I can't find my way into the world when I'm right here so I gotta get out and now I got it

alcoholism alcohol was the drug that was always on the table

the other drugs would come and go but alcohol she had to be there for me it had to be

I'm so tired I just feel like I was going to faint

not a problem if I faint Carl can finish the story

he knows it that's the way we are if I just go over there just dragging me off to the side and

we keep going

with alcohol

drugs would come and go alcohol was the only thing that was always on the table and there's a reason for that in my opinion alcohol is reliable

drugs are completely unreliable completely unreliable there's no quality control going on out there

you don't know what you're going to get it you don't know what it is how good it is until you get in your body you will get a fifth of Jack Daniels you will get a quarter good Jan you know what you got here this is the reliable stuff so no matter what else was going on the bottle was there you do so much cocaine you can get her mouth open anymore

Hey

it's seven thirty in the party just started you've completely overshot the mark one more time

right doesn't matter suck a little gender your teeth loose near right up in going to the party

no not here when you get to that cool quiet use harden lungs working place don't worry about it Jack Daniels will get you there Jack you can rely on so for me always from the beginning whatever else was happening alcohol is the thing that was on the table that had to be if that was there I was going to be okay alcohol was there I'm okay and I just launched in the last sixteen years old I got to I dropped at a boarding school

high school my father came back into my life and said you've obviously got insanely committed my first mental institution I was in a they put me in for three months of observation in the year of rehabilitation and you're taking three cups peeled and shuffling around the unit you know I mean and they went yeah act that they start signing up for shock treatment all this and you get

very well behaved and talking about the shock treatment and I

I felt that that what I should do is is a skate

I should escape from the mental institutions I made my plan and I've been having all my meals of this woman and killed a killed it was not very entertaining

and all you had to do to flip killed out was just look at her and said Gilbert how you doing kills

she would go

so every meal was like dinner and a show you know I mean you have a little mailing keep clicking away on she's been around the room so when I was trying to escape

I used killed is my diversion

so I got flipped kill them the exit signs are there the doors over there ma'am a little table I've been shopping around and they're taking my three cups of pills a day had made a fast moving many many days right but I'm gonna make one now now I'm already and I get chilly flipping out that one is really ready to go

and I'm home now that's all I got just arms are working the whole thing I just look at what you hear from the nurses station over the loudspeaker and when you got a minute you wanna grammarly's making a break for the door

and in there and see what's going on or about Aug getting being unaware

three kills got got to get out before they get the thorazine Anya yes thorazine just you got slow and stopped that said there is no movement makes it back in the not house back to the room with no doorknob

finally talked my way out of that not house the second time I got committed I did escape escape on the first day I was in the intake process my mother was there and ran her hands and I was crazy and they were checking me and I just hear that when I took off thank you

and

I'm going to this place in the whistles are going off in the bells are going off and I'm running through my kit this storm out in the backyard and run across this lawn towards a twelve foot ivy covered chain link fence and able theme song playing in my head you know and then and then and then

this guy chasing me and I am not at this point in my life I'm sixteen seventeen years old I'm an alcoholic drug addict I'm a high school dropout I mean any moment hopefully escaped mental patient this is like my resume this is what I have to say for myself and I figure if I make that France I don't have any problems because it's Los Angeles I make that France I'm high in twenty minutes

right and that's all that matters to me because see I'm different than I do I'm different than the normal man I drink in use no matter what

given a good reason I don't stop that's the difference between me and the problem drinker problem drinker gets a good reason to stop problem drinker goes before the judge one more time for drunk driving charge and the judge said you know what I'm sick you

I see you one more time you're gonna do a year in county jail no conversation he's going to do in your county jail we'll talk when you get out problem drinker hears that and says

I don't want to go to jail for year makes a decision to actually stop drinking and driving and can follow through on that decision stops drinking and driving me I start when I was going to be like in jail because I'm going I know I'm going now I can't make that I can make the decision I can decide what's it I'm not drinking and driving anymore but I cannot follow through on that I'll be drunk and behind the wheel that afternoon because it's who I am I drink can use no matter what a little saying in my neck of the woods they tell newcomers just don't drink or use no matter what

what's the exact

and I respectfully disagree with that

if I could do that if I could just not drink or use no matter what I would not be a member of a

there would be no reason to come to you I said I wouldn't have the experience of coming to Iceland I wouldn't read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous I would not want those steps we go anywhere near the force that I would not take a phone call at three AM in the morning from from a terrified newcomer who decided three AM is a good time to call me to talk about it

I wouldn't do that because I'd be home just not drinking or using the matter what I could do that but I'm the opposite I drink in use no matter what

all the signs come in I can't do it I remember a guy I have a sixteen and a half years only looked at me said you know you're an alcoholic

I wouldn't what's your point

if that's what you call this fine if this is what you call an alcoholic fine and I'm an alcoholic that doesn't change anything for me but whatever label you want on this but this is what I must do this is how I read this is how I function this is how I live you want to comment on Pollock knock yourself out I'm an alcoholic but this is how I live

got a not at the skate that not house hit the streets spent three years on the street doing what people like me do distaste to stay drunk on a daily basis

I thought it was me and Jack Kerouac man on the road it's going to be from poetic and dramatic and romantic and all that and it was none of those things it was hard corn it was nasty but you do what you gotta do to stay loaded

I went to a party when I was on nineteen and I met I met a woman named rose merry rose merry and I talk for twenty minutes and went well so we were in love

and we felt it was appropriate to

begin our new life together after that twenty minutes

and I thought well you know there's nothing going on here that looks like the stuff that's going on on TV you know I mean family life how people live you know house two cars you know washer and a dryer this is nothing going on here that looks like it's going to lead to anything like that so maybe we should do something I thought well I'll go to college

and she said well you know you don't have high school diplomas details and I went I found that they were doing a interviews for very good business college in northern California and so I went over to have an interview with these people and and we know what to do you know you're on the street long enough you know what to do walked in and found out that this guy was a musician so I was a musician his favorite color is blue that's unbelievable my favorite color blue

and I just lined right up with this guy in an hour and a half later he said that I would be a fine addition to their campus in the fall I got accepted to base its collar so I went back to my phone and said look I got accepted to business college northern California don't ask yes if you give me your situation I'm out of town my father's in beautiful or Jack and rose merry Perry pile all our belongings and eight pounds a hash in the back of his truck and drove to northern California for higher learning

and she got a straight job and I was going to college and I given your situation from transcription the man went down a little high school to get my high school equivalency nine I'm doing this she gets a straight job I become a drug dealer and I have no qualms about becoming a drug dealer I have no morals I have no ethics I have no sense of family no sense of community I don't know anything about it at all I know is that I'm out there I'm on my own it's up to me and this is what I know about so this is what I'll do so I become a drug I'm studying marketing production distribution and business college

I'm applying it to my business business is booming at a great business this is great right

I turned twenty

I going to get a physical examination a term that I have malignant cancer great so I fly back to LA and they they do major surgery my upper back in the press prepare me to die they prepare my family for me to die and I remember looking at him thinking he guys don't even know who you're talking to because my USM's getting out of control at this point I was starting over does end up in ambulances and hospitals on you know doing it my stomach pumped on that kind of stuff was already completely out of control twenty

and

I came down the the surgery to put in the nuclear medicine program they call in those days and and I'm a long term cancer survivor I beat the cancer and

I never even think about it really it's it's not it's

not relevant to my life you know either you know win the lottery or get dumped and I want so I just kept moving you know when I went back up to school the next thing you know I'm a junior in college I've got early acceptance the USC law school I'm going to go to law school because when I'm living in Vigan gonna need an attorney

yeah

my mother calls me

and says the women with a family in ten years we need to get together as a family we're gonna go on a trip your birthday will go anywhere you want to go let's just we have but we have to do this now put this family back together I said fine so I got my car back down from up north and on my twenty second birthday on my birthday we took off the flag while Hara and on the way there the plane crashed and

my mother my father my little sister all died in the crash and I didn't

and I woke up on this mountain in Mexico and my mother was laying over there my my little sister Kimberly lane over there my my father was over there and I had fractured my skull

broke my back in three places crush the leg in the arm was paralyzed noise down that a lot of internal injuries and I was awake when I could morning I moved my right arm and I couldn't get to any of them to help them and so I

I lay there and watch them all bleed to death right in front of me and I had a chat with god and I said you know what any god it would take a kind gentle loving creature like my little sister can really leave me here may

I have no use for god of this type are announced got

there's no god that I'm interested in and some guys came up and they scavenge the plane rack in the area took whatever they could gather took their money took the money out of my wallet through back on my chest and moved to the rack and took with scavenge and went back down and left me there to die said my love for you either I was out I was out I had the love of god I had no feeling at all except anger towards my fellow man I was completely and utterly alone alone in the world at that point by choice and

excuse me someone

finally some guys came up and they found me and they put me in the back of a flatbed pickup truck with my mother and I took it down on an aid station in Mexico and they they tagged her dad they tag me dead and they said they're smoking cigarettes when for me to die because it looks bad bad and dining finally took me to a hospital hospital las marchas hospital **** him unless more just Mexico

and down they got my ID and then then they notified the federally so that brought the federalist and the federalist Mexican police interrogated me through an interpreter for three and a half days and wouldn't give me anything for pain that they want to know what I was doing back in Mexico which is a another story we don't need to get into here but

they were not glad to see me and finally I just couldn't take it anymore I call an associate of mine in northern California have called the family in Mexico City and they flew in a plane and they got some folks in plastered me up from my neck to my hips and plan a plan smuggle me back out of Mexico and ended up in a hospital in California for a long time and they said

I might have a with a left hand might probably be blind in my left eye and I'm I may or may not walk again and never look at him and thinking you have no idea no idea what's happening inside me I was so

crazy and so cold inside and just locked away from the world and I was on maximum doses of demerol around the clock in there and I was in and when I came out of there I came out of there

crazy

completely crazy had pictures in my head I know I could live with I knew I can survive this and I'm gonna go I'm gonna drink and use the one I want to drink and use and I don't get I don't care when any of you think about it it's just with the way I'm going out to let you know how much I hate this life the living of it this world and everything in it I've never been any good at being a part of you I've never been any good at this living of life and and and making friends I just don't know how to do any of this I'm out and I hate the pain in the madness inside me and I'm gonna go drinking used to like die just to show it and I'm gonna show you along the way how I feel about this thing called live in and I came out of that house the line one of my last night and it was for six years and you gotta understand what I'm saying to one S. and one around for six years I think

I I'm one of those guys that had no anchors do you know what I mean I'm one of those lost boys that didn't have an anchor I have no family there on some level inside me I was trying to keep it together for I didn't have a wife I didn't have children I didn't have a career I didn't have hopes or dreams of any kind I didn't have anything that that the to hold me to to you there was nothing holding me to you I was just this crazed alcoholic and I used for another six years for four years

in that six year period I got sober three times and they were for seventy two hours each and I

I get so sick I couldn't drink anymore so I go to this little bootleg sanitary minimal in Hollywood California we going to give my hundred and fifty cash and you give me your wallet your bottle found in your car keys in your gun or whatever else you have going on they take in a strappy to a Gurney in that shoot your full lan I. convulsant so the in convulsive death on him and they just let you rock and you kicked like a dog on that Gurney and I did that three times the third time I did it I reintroduce myself to god because I was dying and I said you know it's me you know and my attitude was you know what man and you own me

you know you get me I'll make you a deal how you get me through this sane and alive and both seem to be up for grabs and I will never ever ever drink or use again as long as I live and I meant that with every fiber of my being every fiber of my being and I got up off of that going and once and I got my car and I want a drink for two more years because I could not stop drinking I could not stop

the end for me

when I stopped drinking I came out of my last blackout was it was just a normal thing for me I

and at that moment and I have what they refer to an Alcoholics Anonymous a moment of clarity and that clarity for me was that I was not connected to another human being on the face of the earth I was my soul

was dying

worse my body was dying but my soul is dying I was so dark in the end alone I've been alone for so long I didn't even know that I was lonely I have nothing to compare it to nothing to compare it to I have both my hands are broken at that point in my life

I was it was the day before my twenty eighth birthday a tune and fifteen pounds and hair out like this the beard like this I was yellow my thyroid was had stopped functioning my heart was small and Mike couldn't touch my kidneys and my liver

the I was psychotic and I don't use that term loosely my

they were deciding whether or not to charge me with attempted murder I I broken seventy four bones I had over six hundred and fifty stitches in me and I was completely alone I just burn my life to the ground there was nothing to look at to say you know well this is going okay so we'll just go with this you know I mean it was just flat lined and I had them on the clarity

and I put my hands are broken I put him up and I just said help me help me and they threw me in an ambulance and they took me to a UCLA emergency and they knew me and they pump my stomach and my stomach pump so many times I can run the two of them in and I can talk to you it was hot you know I don't know the bad day a bad day

yeah sorry sorry to bother you guys

with in depth they just they get a marriage Diane and they took me to another place that can be five days and I got worse because the kick was so real and then they took me by invested another place and they kept me for a seventeen days of detox and then thirty days on a free bet because my life is destroyed I had nowhere to go I had nothing

and I left there and I knew one thing is there if you don't want to die you better go to Alcoholics Anonymous because that

that is the only chance you have

and I have been as the books has beaten into a state of reasonableness and I said okay

and I ended up in the basement of the church through the nose made having I be a blubbering idiot up here so I've got four pounds a

I'm so tired man I don't even know what I'm talking about

media and I want as a friend I was based in the church eight thirty PM Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and I walked in the back of that room in my alcoholism was in full effect I had kids physically but the greater aspect of my disease the obsession of the mind was whirling and I walked in that room like the criminal I was me and I sat in the back row not like this arms folded best tough guy look on my face Mad Dog and everybody looked at me when you want you don't want to come over here you know don't you don't want to come over here because I was terrified none of my tools living with drugs alcohol violence and run I didn't have any of those left they'd all been beaten out of me my alcoholism I have no tools to live and I was like the last one I came today I was so afraid you would walk up to me this is the truth I was so terrified that you would walk up the means and ask me a question I couldn't answer right how you doing