Steps 10, 11 and 12 at the Glasshouse Group in Fort Worth, TX

last night

my name's John R. and I'm an alcoholic

we gotta get through it and

you have sex the staff

yeah I was thinking the

you know we don't well just special dice special people I met a guy was tantamount side expressed my own group this last week I'm sitting there

and I got there early before the meeting and I was having a Cup of coffee water actually just wait for the meeting to start he comes and sits down and you're just in south and it hurt me to the steps last year at Preston I never seen that before I start to tell me stuff I didn't never I never knew

he example wrote a book

in the eighteen hundreds he wrote the book but it was called William Wilson's story

not bill W. as William Wilson starring and it was just amazing and he he just had all this great insight that I send everyday so yeah this isn't a few highlights some some got the original manuscript on computer

if you highlight the for every balance the first

constant before the value print it spell stuff and

the secret cold in

and the book

and

and hi I was just flabbergasted

now he can't stay sober but

my god he's got this thing down Pat you know

and time to do it done on me and all that but the books as a selfish self centeredness that we lose the root of our problems and and what that does that's selfish self centeredness is that distorts I have a distorted perception of reality and when everything is wrapped up in you and you're seeing everything through self centered as everything is distorted it just it just is distorted

nothing is going to be the way you think it is I mean nothing is the way you think it is it's always different

yeah and then I went and people can't correct you when your kids are distorted this can mean by jaguar by jaguar thousand people to say unless these custom fortune to keep on the road

well not for me it won't

just just as that of the rules don't apply to us you know when you look at everything through distorted I'm never forget me because people always tell you the truth I tell you what they are you know and that's that's like that old that old

story about that the

turtle and the scorpion

you know what I mean at the river and scrapping once across the river

and the pros going classes start Scott this is can I get around your back

curses no he's your Scorpio sting me

and that's what he says why would I do that I steal the

no make sense for the title so you get a

scrubbing it sounds bad to get halfway across the river scorpion stings around my head

I can't believe you did that

why would you do that how could you do that this comes as a you know what I was going to pick me up

and people always tell us the reality but we did what we're looking at this with distorted perception you know I never get mad I took this class is growing on a date with on an excel of scorpions

as I like bright shiny scorpion

the it's done a little bit that Baghdad is worth it you know

on this date and within the state and at at the end of the day for a first date and take her to drop her off and she says I have I have something to confess to Mrs she's yeah this is what

this is a well

hi after the guy got you tonight

you know my mind set

I don't blame you

she told me what she does you know and then I have later when she stands me up batch

if you do that to me

standing up like that she told me that I got this just because I'm so selfish self searching and that to me

they don't do that to me yeah and then when she got back in the matter she was launched she told me what she does that's the way she doesn't you know answer and so if you post corporate you're gonna get stuff

you just you just are and and that's the problem is is that it's very gradual and when you get this despite what you're so selfish self centered everything is distorted you have no way

I feel that's why sponsorship becomes very very important

because see they're not looking at your situation with dispatch distorted perception of selfish self centered so I can see the situation awareness you know you can't see when you're climbing a mountain you can't see the mountain you climb

could you stand on

and my life I can't see what's going on in my own life

you know so I sponsor

it was not in my life I can see my mountain thanks to your mountain but I'm not planning your mountain I can't see my owner I need a sponsor that and it's very fragile

you know it's very that that Keenum and analysts jackpots I get in a very gradual

yes I sized way you the way you boil a frog

ninety one front

you get if you get a pot of boiling water you drop a frog in the water it's it's reflexive for fast jumps out of water

and you can't modify that way they expect this gallery

what you gotta do if you wanna bullfrogs

you get your big pot of cool water

and you put on the on the stove and you put a frog in

well that's cool

fraud thanks

squandering

when you turn the heat up

Gisele hot

Francisco in here

it's not that bad

swimming he's used those from around turn the heat up wrong more

all right well I think that that

pretty soon you crank Dennis but not fox cooking yeah you know

and that's what happens in every situation in my life

yeah I want to have my drinking was as bad the very at the very first drunk I had as it was at the end

hello

yeah but it's not that way

starts off very good okay

relationships are that way that's why abusive to women get involved in abusive situations

Israel has to begin with and then it ain't that bad

you know

the sooner by the water wondering you collect you can't get out then then you're just cooked

and now says that's with the my sponsor can see I'm swimming around in a and the water

as well can I gather what

my my my mind said what he thought that

you

not that I know what the situation is if it's work if it's money

if it's relationships whatever the situation is I don't know how to handle that stuff and that's one time when

when

your sponsor

say he's right

she's right I never called me back sponsor not do some because I don't like

yeah I don't like mental nothing

yeah

I like to boil

sponsored by allied away but

that I have I have told not not do some because I could see either one water that one is going to get hot get out of there you know they got to get out of there

exactly why is anything

yeah so my sponsor now we get this thing cranked up really loud

whatever he tells me something he's right

he's right

and so I I don't have to justify are you listening you're right this is this is that simple and and I whatever I find myself just to find my action

that action is wrong

what is that actions wrong see I was subconsciously build a defense watch okay for me to do something

if you ask me why so why are you doing and I'll explain it to you

what's okay for me to do that yeah but if you have if it's the right thing to do he said why do that I don't have an explanation wonder

as well as Iran I mean I

I want to

you can I will I will build a defense that's wrong I will build a defense why it's okay for me to do that

you know so now

responses whenever one of that justification or rationalization my sponsor simple explanation is John why do you find it necessary to justify yourself

whenever he says that I know I'm I'm doing something wrong

you know because rationalization I can rationalize anything we do that I got a very good friend he's older than me

it's like sixty

and the

I ran into him a few years ago

and I have seen for a while he's telling me he says he is the one who got divorced that same

and he said man I met this gal she's great

this is how much you mean she is so neat she is without a doubt

the most beautiful intelligent mature twenty year old everyone

yeah

he said she really is I've learned so much from her

that you have

he said and you know what okay John he's not telling the truth

if it if you counted the days

days sober she's by men's folder on than me

not a one off consecutive days

okay because she didn't drink casually you know hearing their but they're only for one or two days at a time we should come back to the program and so she's got a lot more than three months old

yes

I can rationalize that stuff out why it's okay for me to do that

all day long you know

but your sponsor C.

and I think that's what it looks about rationalization rationalization is the process we go through

to make the socially unacceptable socially acceptable

is this not a form of insanity

and whereas rationalize something to justify why it's okay for me to do that my sponsors as as answers you know why do you find this or just for yourself

you need to explain anything to anybody the right thing to do

not enough

that's one area where where when you start talking your sponsors team in reviewing your actions for the day and putting that in perspective and step level because for the first time you step up I get to sit down with me and I

and just have time together every day

in in quiet prayer meditation and I know how to pray meditate you know what put that medication is that puts all those things in perspective

of what I do what I do today has all the finance when I'm just mean god and you know I guess that I can talk my sponsor about it

you get all that distorted perceptions staff work down because I'm whatever the situation is I'm gonna look as can be distorted

cause I'm looking through my own eyes

and my eyes are so wrapped up in me and I myself or self centeredness that it'll that it'll be distorted I had no idea how to meditate yeah I thought I was gonna pray meditate by the way you see where that Guice's if you will give him a billion dollars this is true it will give me a billion dollars to start

he can solve the world's problems

your meditation

because he's gonna hire some professional meditators

and they will just get he said if you get one tenth of one percent

meditating on the same thing it'll fix everything

hello from billion dollars

I know that

really well but anyway and I had not met Medicare has going through my mind if he's going to come to me that we're gonna just be mind boggling and have a

I don't know how to meditate I go to the step speaker means these guests and the talk about how they would pray meditate

and I think it's five o'clock in the morning do that stuff

in

I mean if you get pregnant you get five o'clock in the morning meditech and I know I could get five hundred minutes I thought it okay can you get a five o'clock is to go to bed early yeah so I'm going home from a night

African fifteen cups of coffee

and I try to go to bed you know and I'm just glad I'm sitting in a prison is midnight one o'clock five o'clock for action I said that I couldn't sometimes the money mine is doing the steps he's at five o'clock I said how do you how do you get up at five o'clock to premeditate

he said well he said he simply said let's do is go home tonight and go to bed

from the set your alarm for five o'clock

no one alarm goes off get up

and I said try to do that then I don't because I can't get to sleep and I am he's not don't worry about going to sleep

what about getting

you'll never does what he does go home second one was a five o'clock get up and go in case of what I do is is as I shower shave get dressed

and then I go in and have a good rest to me got

and then I go in at night hi am I pray get my book out

and I read some out of the book whether miss some of the reasons I was interested in what and any praise invites got into that the time had to get a clear is mine

and he says you do that and then go to work and he says do that every day don't look at no match during the day

stay up you should do that twenty days in a row and you'll get a better problem

I grace I went home and I was excited to get up for a minute take a sit down for five o'clock stood up to one when I went to sleep got five o'clock

shower and got dressed got the book out sat in a chair read some of the book parade about a god in the next hour clear my mind

thank god come and help me

got me back to bed

there have been a figure that deal out

it might not be as pretty arrogant of me to tell god when we're going to talk

and that's how self centered I am I think god how can you win you know so I have one more my job is is to set time aside one when god can't dock we want to get together and send the best place for me to do that to my Carl

use of meta knight now I do spend some time in the morning along maintaining that for a long time and no time as long as in my car inside I never listen to music music meant to screw me up I mean

I want to drink when I listen I mean

so I'd I'd never listen to the radio and I was just

I spent time with me and got in the car

and have some great meditation I had to think of something I just couldn't clear my mind had to think of something

yeah and the best thing for me that's the purpose of that eleven step is to increase our conscious contact with god south of premeditation increase our conscious contact with god so what I did because I looked at the situation or what the situation is and that's how I got merry how I met my wife how I

why would I do in Dallas

and I would take it back I started looking at S. okay how to get down some side work it back what brought me to Dallas

and

someone's got about ten years

the final why are we are you know what I found I started I started heading for Dallas ten years right

yeah did not come in

that is all set up ten years before I got to have two sisters that are twins are identical they are peas in a pod they look like talk like act like they both went to college graduate in physical education both teach school one was teaching in Utah along with teaching a little town called ladder Preston added up there then they get together in the summer and

some breaking their goal waitress table so they did a lot of times

they just had identical still to this day right in the car they cannot see each other I mean it I mean they had their hair cuts the same everything is not see each other for two years and they run their hair is the same yeah just make and sell but this whole she met a guy at their ranch start date S. richer maybe they were gonna get married just destroyed

the sister in Utah and now her running buddies get married she have a boyfriend when you date anybody

you should get married

it was a big ranch up there had motorcycles and horses and all kinds of snowmobiles boat at lake on that thing

perfect stuff of Peter and and so there are excited about them better sister in Utah which is devastating the day after the wedding she left and went to New York for the summer and engine she left and went to New York

and cry and I'm sitting there the day after she is crying because her sister she's happy for her sister but she just lost her

running

here

while she was gone my dad got a phone call from the FBI

what happened is the issue that sister you tell us taken is continuing education course at the university and she was taken self defense and get her

publications and

they can't teach the class was an FBI agent

he said this is years ago he said thirty years ago

and he said that

vehicle equal rights we're just getting big back then then we have like seventeen female agents at that time in the F. B. I. they had six she was the seventh female agent they hire

and now he's yeah the justice department because we have to have as many female agents as knowledge

yes I said just content via private van and FBI agents she's never thought about it

light and they interviewed and they they said well you got three qualifications after

I have a lot of gray an accounting degree here three years executive experience I would consider school teachers as executive action again

two years come back and see me twenty three years she forgot about it little rock about about it

and when she got back my dad gave her the message from this FBI agent so she called him on the phone he said I've been reviewing your file and she spent three years and I want to finish the interview with you so should I interviewed at the physical the past the physical they hire she got a letter that Nixon was president

I can't tell you how long will that last and then because your letter from Nixon's like joining the military you know you get it you get a three year hitch and so she

went to Quantico and graduated this year first assignment when you're F. B. I. agent is usually some place like you know North Korea something

but she got her first sign to Dallas Texas

and it will shock the new age would be assigned to douse insurer Santam Dallas Texas and she moved fast as soon as that happened man now this is not a really jealous

she's not the guys longer rancher she's making he's a farmer okay

they're not a ranchers and farmers yeah this crummy dirt farm up here

my sister down there packing again chasing bank robbers

yeah but

all that happened ten years before I got here

okay

and she's the sister the seminar that the common the phone by me to come to Dallas that's why I'm in Dallas is because of that and what happened after I got down this me my whole life came together got my sponsor and we take this four step in some supposed to be in Dallas

I know was being downsized at ten years before I got here swimming hole if it were a bit different and then

if if my sister had they got married

J. never come to that John the FBI shouldn't shouldn't left left you to

if you had a boyfriend they shouldn't get married first are you had a voice even up prospect cannot

she went along because it is very important since moving here she met

three four kids now for kids and then and then it's all worked out for a perfect you know

but anyway been different back then she would come down and what would I be

you know I'm supposed to be in the house no question in mind that not all happened ten years right and they don't know that

they they think that they just think it was stuff that happened and I came down because my sister there Godwin boundary line

no question memory because many different whole life changes

the whole exchange and I'm not in Dallas now find my sponsor that would take steps he's busting my sponsor

still sponsored

you

what I think happens

is

as I give myself some think about have have spiritual myopia

I'm near sighted spiritual

I have no idea house what happens there is going to affect me ten years from now

until I look back ten years later

he's a son of a gun

but how that works

amazing shampoo thoroughly convinced as I've gone through almost in in that meditation bad as ever help

I figured that out when a friend of mine I'm in I'm in step study

in

this is I was like twenty years sober and these guys are gonna step study email had ten years or more and I'm in there with all these guys and their gods to me and I think

side with the step study and they're in there and have a great step study and

I was real hot one day because I had given the guys this one guy in the group some money he ripped me off for a little bit of money and I know you were supposed to give up but I gave it to a longer term supposed to give up but I don't back then I don't have enough money alone

forgiven useful hang up and I was really hot I'm telling this my group study about the scattered remains this money and Ralph

that means Ralph

rouse said Johnny said women forget finishing that I mean I should question

would you trade would you sell me your experience of going broke and living outdoors living in your car sleeping in a car when a hundred thirty five pounds walking those casinos and and find the nickels dimes and quarters and selling your blood would you sell me that experience for a million dollars

he said when you sell me all your pain he went through for that

would you sell me that for two million dollars

I said No Way

he said you gotta be real self centered **** I've ever made

so when you talk about around he said think about John you will sell me your pain

and all the trouble you had you'll sell me then for two million dollars

but you on the right hand of his

for a couple hundred Bucks

you're robbing him of the same opportunity you have

by giving them money

SO that's a selfish thing I've ever heard in my life

you will allow him to have the same experience living in your car

I'm glad I did just talking

how can I say that was banned

going to jail get a pop Warner John spend time in jail was back

what is the best thing that ever happened because it got me here I'm not willing to sell that stuff for ten million dollars

you know I'm willing to bet you would sell your story either

for any amount of money

it got to catch your yard today

I'm not gonna sell one time I've been in jail

yeah one of my best meditations was in jail

I'm not living in that house just moved out of a

my car into that house and I'm living in that house that Humphries let me live and I get a call from a guy that I know in AA down

he's a he's down the casino drunk thanks Mike

and he's drunk he wants some help so I'm Sunday morning I drive down there because you're picking up on driving back and one of north Virginia taking the house in the twelve step call and I drive by here to cut come the other direction and it has a long list of things that you know whether or

after my so I'm going to jail

he's drunk drinking a beer

Laswell and finish it isn't right for us I don't know but when I look at me like that I go to jail

after that see you we come back turns lights on pulled me over and I

the thing about Jesus some access on the go talk some help from

will you sit down more

Kockums and asked me if my driver's license

and then I get my driver's license he likes it he says

are you

where you're driving on expired license plates

I knew that my sponsor told me I suppose she had been living in in Seattle right been living up in Seattle and I moved to Nevada I've been down a couple years and and there are no stickers on that big

thanks

and

I'm in another state you know you don't need to renew that right away and

let's watch that you're can't get yet again about a tax on there as well yeah I guess you're grabbing your option your reaction

how do you know my license plates expire you another state

and he said well six months ago as a cop in Seattle

the only thing that can happen to stay in the battle is going to know that I drive by

so then he says Mr already said that all right he's a master question have you ever been arrested for a felony

I said no

we saw we tested all recognize that there had ten thousand tabs of LSD the cell phone on me

and he said well

they're not already available either address different speed factory I don't know

he's all around when I check on you find out and I thought well I know who I mean

so let me say if you if you pull my father my table you can do it just fine okay you're gonna find a lot of stuff

I'm worried now about some other year to happen or not someone can you know you cleaned up and you mean it but you know what's gonna pop up on some computer and I said well I said you gonna find a lot of stuff it's just drunk stuff okay I'm an alcoholic and the member Alex one's been sober you're half not twelve step help in this kind of sees very strong can help

I said I'm gonna get you out saying we're not but I want you know if I got a warning I'll take care of that first thing in the morning

he said we'll find out who's back there in this car for a long time

one time finally he comes back and he says that

well I don't have any warrants

I don't think India

is it that you got a lot of stuff

yeah he said your stuff is you got a lot of failure to appear

I said yeah I just got drunk stuff you know nothing last year and a half yeah but it's a real privilege to get a ticket

I've never looked at it that way

but he said that

any issue taken I'm gonna I'm gonna rest you

because I get arrested okay

I mean this is successful twelve dot com okay

I get arrested they come with a copper ticket drunk home

I go to jail

so

I think what happened was this cop was normal force and and Ted Bundy had been from Seattle you know and he thought we got it we have Ted Bundy's running mate right here

they check they check the F. B. I. interpolation everybody you know I'm clean they've got nothing after that standing and but he didn't let that affect you know running so they checked me all out next I spent the night in jail thank goodness you won't make a phone call no

I'm not gonna sponsor our promise you that

the next mega before the judge and she looks at my final she's a rescue for expired license plate

damn thing I've ever seen

so

what was it what was the fine because I it was like a hundred dollar fine this your credit made credit me I can't for the

and

she says except five Bucks or something and I don't have any money you know I someone pay Friday

the associates are well well we'll have to see about that so if you give me much of forms to fill out a

but all these forms of communication I'm going to get out of jail I'm just gonna

check me out and tell us when I get out of jail Sundowners mouse noon Friday afternoon just before midnight read Munch names off I think I'm getting out of jail they wanna get together for that feature and I'm get out of jail so they recognize names like you know I would love to stay in the case okay take off your clothes

K. cal talks

yes I think I'm supposed to get out

I guess what you do miss it already yeah there you go you got a hundred dollar fine you don't have any money so the judge dropped at half price and you don't have it so you gonna do it two dollars a day

yeah here February

she can be kidding me

but it's been two months in this joint for expired license plates yeah I'm not able to lose my job no so now I'm really hot really screwed up so I get I get my clothes aren't they taking in the department of community sell their fifteen of us and that sale you know we got together here don't push up together back my TV up in the corner

I'm not getting that crossed the hall into strips albums on drugs and he's running around naked over there

and the I'm going to my bank and I'm just I'm at a matter I mean I'm mad I mad at god I mean what I do John I'm doing god's work I get thrown in jail matinee MMI sponsor parents I mean this is not the way it's supposed to be a year and a half sober

it's just terrible and but only I know how to do is get quiet

your client to pray and talk to god

and find out what's most when I'm supposed to be doing

I'm supposed to find out what nonsense again not you guys when the cat carried out

and I learned how to accept the situation I'm in

and I start training

I got real quiet I got real peaceful

and thank god if you want me to stay here I'll stay here

that cop kept talking in my ears and kept it when you rest content company said Mr are you get learners not enough for you to not drink you can learn to be responsible

can you tell me hypnosis can be responsible

and the

funny on me

he certainly is not me that that my parents didn't put me in jail

agent put me in jail

response you can put me in jail

the cop who arrested me

I didn't put me in jail

you have the power to do that

yes I give it to me

and I've given him the power to arrest me by my lack of responsibility not doing supposed to be a drive in this country

in

I couldn't believe

and I start laughing okay guys that I know I'm here show me to stay here I'm gonna stay here till February ninth twenty notice okay ready let me do all the names list me somebody in here to help

I got up and I wanna watch the guy run around the strips that

and then there five seconds and one of the bars five seconds before Jerry us out all right yeah he threw my thousand set you get now the judge signed the order that you

so I got a job I got a job at four o'clock on Monday and I was excited I ran down the central office right around the corner from the jailer or central office and walked in and Bruce looks says about your job February

Juno

is that drunk your custom called

need

so I borrowed your phone call my sponsor ask me because they pay out of my car

I think I get a ride home he said yes we can buy PICS network drive home and he's not wrong call me call everybody Hey

that's not real funny

well he said he tell me or else I thought you're drinking with

and he said no you weren't drinking but I called and you're fine now and they should not be arrested for experiments that you have not been here so

so it's asking them to get you

under fifty dollars down that's going to come and get you ready and I got halfway there and I thought wait a minute

do

I hate putting in there

I mean don't get me

he's there for a reason

I said

did you know why you had to go to jail I see yeah I had to go look at maybe want to go back

I said I and I you know I haven't

and then I go back since then

he didn't rob me of my pain

here he let me say I'm not safe you get thrown in jail

I may be the last person you want to call

I just might be the last one that he only got one call don't call me

and I think I'm

you know you're there for a reason and you have to go back and find out what it is you know

the best placement of the meditation

prisoners in jail he was in jail

all those medications are going to help me get in touch with my with my back I had to go back and figure out what am I doing here how to get my mind something to think about how to this situation why is the situation where this

and relive that situation and go back something about ten years to figure out this incredible expertise we do that

you know and sometimes have talked my sponsor that

you know get someone else's perspective of what happened in this situation because my situation to be distorted but in meditation

and going back and looking at how that situation is that it doesn't get distorted that distortion is taken out of the picture you find out other people involved in getting me to wherever you are

because guns

he always says

and so I was bad

my deal and moving here to youth and moving here in Dallas and gain merit was incredible experience I got married in Dallas tell you about that

and now go back to the service business in Dallas got my sponsor in Dallas

and the

get divorced in Dallas

yeah that was that was a weird experience because I'm sitting there

there's over nine years eight years

and a lot of pain

and what else you hear in a customer's

one of the great fallacies is somebody always say you know here's Mr well I would rather have

quality sobriety than quantity

right there was a seven never have any quantity

the guy's got a couple three years three years when you making that kind of statement you know yes I'm more impressed now long term sobriety and I first got here no one can provide impresses the hell out of me today because I know those those guys have live sober and live life without drinking

you know for thirty years that's incredible because they've gone through life they've had all the ups and downs they've gone through trials and tribulations hardships and heartbreak and financial problems all that stuff and they didn't drink

credible deal yeah I found out that would have been if you want to divorce in a there's there's just no right way to do

we're going to get worse right this can be very painful and all right way to do it and the group's gonna be split up