Steps 10, 11 and 12 at the Glasshouse Group in Fort Worth, TX

I said that when I come back up here yeah

I think I'm going to paranoid you know

Allen's back here

sorry

two of your account number

we talk about sex last week in which to do this he

yeah my name is John all right now I am out on

the bus come in or the backs of the people on the bus

no no dreamers and rarely

okay I yeah I'm glad to be here and this as I was thinking we were not those seats I was at a conference

the Manitoba

Canada there's just a couple years ago

and they were really fanatical about that because people would save sees there in this hotel never limited seating and and they just really got irate about that and the whole trip was bizarre to me because I

this is true though he gone international one of it is just because I flew into into Canada

and I'm going through the

persons are you know and

guy says that what you don't you can't so I'm going to convention

what kind of image Alcoholics Anonymous convention

okay Sir do you need to go over to the gal have a trip back

sign over your first time I've ever had that happen

she's looking on my staff and she said that when you're in Canada going to a convention

what kind of convention

how costumes convention

and she says

you're better rested

what does that mean the I mean does she mean like arrested arrested

I just arrested

for me that means like felony arrest

okay that's what that means to me

and I never had been found felony arrest arrested

so I said no

and she said well we'll find

thanks to this last rule

this room surrounded by and I sit in on the computer and all of a sudden the computers are spitting out paper

so she called her bosses and they look at the paper they look up at me and looked at the paper

this is a well it came back positive

no I haven't taken a breath but to actually going up because

she spent you have to and she called him F. B. I. files

really she's a yes you have a D. W. Y. in nineteen seventy nine

another one in nineteen eighty one

special yeah I said that that's why I'm here

you can get that those D. W. eyes and going to outlast mom's convention you can see the relationship there and she said that well why did you lie to me

I said why didn't you arrested twice

and I said well that's just drunk stuff

you know twenty years ago was a misdemeanor

you know you pay to a fifty dollar and and that was it and she said well we take it very seriously Canada and your undesirable

really she is yes you can come in

this is where I got this you got to go back

I said okay she's you can post a two hundred dollar

fine

and I said I'm not gonna do that she's only got to go back just then a guy comes another another customer that comes in a scissor John already in here and I said yeah there's some guys wait for out front and I said I can't commit

she says he's an undesirable

and this she says you think they'll post the fine and I said I don't know I'm not gonna just go

and so she goes out pretty soon they all come marching back and then I got two hundred Canadian dollars I guess it's like a hundred

thirty dollars American or some like that and they said they're posting the fine they said there's two thousand people get really pissed off when I'm taking

so they posted the fine and and then I apologize to the guys I said I'm sorry about that they they

there's a nice allows me couple hundred extra Bucks you guys from the state

I spoke at that conference

Saturday night this is your lan I. poems stories this newcomer lot of hope you know come in work dispatch this over twenty years and then you have all nation call you undesirable

what do you do for an international but it is it is and it's and what they've done is they've upgraded the law in Canada make the W. line is a felony offense and you can't get in the country about paying this two hundred dollar bill and and international I was having dinner with

hello one of the trustees

couple three weeks ago in at a conference and last summer they do about their color where that he said there are a

I guess there's gonna pay the fine he's a world where that in Canada won't budge on it so if you go up there don't tell me to go with the AAA

you know it's time to go see some friends and

tell me why you know

I've been back since then apple times to conferences and asked what he got some friends and they arrested him in a restaurant so I don't bother with that here's a girl this will have grown in twenty years

when they told me I had to guy falls for nearly all right I didn't have to correct them

I said no I've got four

that's a lot of growth

you know so far lately yeah

we've covered that I don't know how to do this we got to the first week we talked about the first step

and

how are you know a passel rock on lives and manageable the second week we talk about the solution to that problem step one identifies the problem step is the solution to the problem step three is Turner won't lie for the solution we found in step two and then we start clean up our side of the street four five then we change in six seven and eight please provide a change of six or seven and then we gotta exercise that change because you know a few changes if you exercise that change we do that through making millions into a man's means to change

if your man something you change your mind the document you change the document

and

sort change our behavior it makes no sense to make amends and keep the behavior the way Alaska so I I out of our my inventory came this list of a means for step base that I had I met my sponsor my list of the man's I'm gonna make and

he looked at me trying to turn it over he said you know this is John he said

whenever you start thinking your life is manageable

first half step one which should pull the system look at because that's how well you manage your life

usually true when I manage my life in a whole bunch of Manston

you know when I'm not on god's in control arm and got run my life I don't have any means to make

and I don't know how to make amends

his soul besting retailers Tochter sponsoring me gettin Iowa huge demand to my wife

we get divorced have custody case at two children customers will spend this child support and then run we got divorced man I'm living in Seattle she calls

to tell me that she was getting married

and I said we've only been divorced two months

she had been living in Seattle a year and a half

you know I'm getting married and I said okay so I'm sending this as you are to get just the opposite of me

yeah they always do that all my wives meri after some is just the opposite

I guess if I know what they don't want you know

she resists professional body builder you know I know these guys can't play

so

image now supports and that often and later moved to Reno Reno on child support gets on the fifth at one on the sixth he call she did he call me six

and one where the child support last

and so I told what to do with that child support

the only difference that I could talk to me like they had to catch my head

so I got big resentment I just quit paying child support

you know I pay child support for three and a half years

I know this huge meant

and I tell you last week I moved to Dallas and work my sponsorship Newman Tory and we'll get this and Manelis going on and I don't know how to make that in the end I'm scared to death because it's against the law not paid child support they they lock you up

and I also have not talked to my children for three and a half years because nothing chance but I'm not gonna call them call them get seen during you time out here right now R. Dallas so I hadn't talked to my children have sent a letter had no communication with my children are my ex wife for three years

and had all of my sponsors said well I said you go home tonight you pray you write a letter

you don't just go show up on the doorstep

they're doing fine the way they are but you ran a letter you prank I'll tell you what to write

and you become one of them

do whatever she wants you to do that about that back pain

so I'm home I prayed that wrote this letter in the letter I admitted I was an alcoholic I've never done that before

and also this call record heard that a lot of my time is that the significant other the alcoholic will blame themselves a lot for the guys drinking for a set of you know he

not your fault you make me not a holic you couldn't stop that nothing could have done what I've changed it

and I regret that I'm an alcoholic and

can I tell you this money

and I don't have it

don't have any money at all I'm making four Bucks an hour but yeah I want to pay a little bit so much for pay my child support now and then whatever you want to do all day if you want me to wait and get like

you know five hundred thousand dollars at a time together send that off we keep track of time we catch up our

if you want me to

to just double the payments when I cam that would be harder to track out

or you might want to suggest one thing he ended up having to do as he

he said maybe I extend the payment for three and half years and the other eighteen

Hey tell their you know twenty one and a half

and I thought well maybe I'll do that so I included that option tour

and then I said but whatever you wanna do all do not close out letter said if there's anything I can do to make your life easier all you have to do is ask

that's scary thing to say

because you know she could write back and say listen what we want you to want to sign these papers so that they can adopt the kids because we never want to see you would be

yeah that'll make our life easier once you're out of here forever and that's what she wanted to add I was willing to do whatever she wanted to do

and I sent a letter off effect like I got through round about midnight and I'll put a stamp on it went down the mailbox and drop in the numbers because a friend would have the courage to step on a when I change my mind would melt

so I mailed it off and then then you get

you know time between when you mail out when you hear back from

seems like a month really about a week

I got a letter back from about a week ten days that a letter back open it up and it was a great letter

she said how glad she was to hear from me

they know where I was I was pretty safe so I sent that letter

because they know where I was last they heard us in Reno

now I'm in the house

once you know that let me know where you are not sure if could deliver that letter you know

in order

so she's alive here from about here okay and and she threw out

some information about the kids you said that you can do one thing make a life changing right the kids because they ask match all the time

we later agreed on how I ended up paying three and a half years longer than that Amanda her in we pay that off

and the

I wrote the kids

because I also had a terrible terrible a man to make I mean I guess they were six and

there are no one got divorced my daughter was six my boy was eight

only got over to seven seven five actually we got divorced

and I had heard from them in three years

better for me in three years and so I how then the bigamy

and I had to write them a letter

I did the same thing I wrote the letter and the letter I was very general explained that I've been sick I love them sorry I haven't written yet but I've been sick and unable to

that's true statement

and I said but I I'm doing much better now

and I I will promise you kids all right she every

few weeks

and and was first thing in touch with her writing back and forth and I send them a letter every couple weeks and then Christmas came and went in off the channel support I asked for permission to call the kids

the show back you should that be fine will be a Christmas Eve Christmas day UConn which every time you had even called Justin right letters back and forth she was sending me school staff we started reception a relationship through the mail

and so we wrote I would call them every other week

I sent a letter one we can call next week similarly common actually

and August

for the following August from Christmas to August

we've made plans to go after C. and

so we've got to rent a car pulled up and in the drive when the kids came running out of the house and jumped on me there was no there wasn't one minute of adjustment people learn and you know trying to reacquaint themselves with each other and nothing like it been gone for the weekend an awkward about it all because we've been writing letters back and forth for a year

we haven't gotten them since Christmas every other week and I just want the whole relationship with my children and my ex has just been

reestablishment and perfect okay I have my correct size my

you are here

I can't get back

I like I like her her husband

he is a really nice guy

they've been out here because my son lives in Arlington now and he's twenty six single

good looking kid he's twenty eight

you're twenty six or twenty eight

these mature twenty six I guess

he's a great kid and that whole thing's been reestablished and just worked out perfectly because I did what they I had become willing to do whatever they want me to do I took nothing for granted

not that I had the right to see my kids

I forfeited that right yeah when I disappeared out of her life through the half years ended B. and was given back to me

because I had made those miss my campaigns and I paid that that that transporter you know we have a beautiful relationship today

this beautiful they've been out here to see my son on a recently been an intern with them and and and

it's just wonderful

that I have they can want to exactly told me to do and have them in my kids and I have a wonderful relationship fact they yeah

there are two things about that making those meetings because I think that that means with the with the families become the toughest

if you've got it follow through on what you say

if I would have written that letter and pay the child support for a few months and then quit

nothing changed

nothing changed I'm still not paying the transport factors more damage created by doing that once you start those a man's

and you quit

are you promised me you know you you commit to them that you're gonna

you're gonna do this or do that and you don't do it

give me the man's

nothing changed yeah and so that's why we pray in six to seven for change take place when we exercise that changed the step nine

the show that has taken place there are no longer lasting person that couldn't keep our work

I couldn't do what we said we're gonna do

we're gonna do that and and and I had to

wait a minute all my family and I had my dad wrote a journal

and in that journal he started when he was twenty one years old

and not just young man surrenders truly will portray the real short stories and he will just random thoughts that he had

the big sick

what by turning the sixty

Hannah

he went had a

had a printed up and gave all of his kids a copy of the colors black book

kept it in a big black book

and I got my copy of the nineteen seventy six

and I will drink

yeah I travel around although I drink and I I don't have my book just got lost

his soul every time I see my folks it's not adverse over here copy the black bloc

Seattle March in Las Vegas for its in Reno cabinet anyway one of six western states I have no idea where I live you know and I'm gonna tell my lost my book

and

after I made those a means to my wife

and I'd call the kids at Christmas time the following February which was

Valentine's day Valentine's eleven my office from

and it was big she made a bunch of fudge and bunch of goodies and I'm excited I'm opened up at the office and at the bottom of this

this Valentine's

is my copy of the book

and there's a letter from my dad paperclip on top of it

yeah dear John

we have no way of black book was for years

and what I have my my ex wife

she had

and he said if you got sober we asked her if you could have your copy of the book

yeah she said son of a **** is never going to get

the only thing he's got this decent pass on those kids and I'm gonna make sure they get it because he'll lose

and that no one's gonna book shouldn't pass on my kids

well

he said when we went up there to see her

last week

see the great grandkids what they're done

four we left she said wait just a minute sure enough her bedroom she came out she gave me the book

she said here I think John needs this

he probably gives kids

I got my book back

and I had the opportunity to pass on my kids

when just a few years prior to that No Way

she need to give that back to me

not responsible for the issue right

you know

but the whole thing has been restored in the point where she's giving back stuff right you know she's been clean energy and

because I did exactly child told me to do

exactly

they lied to me to go since high school graduation

I said you can just graduations ya come up in the ceiling stay with us I said I probably won't

yeah my folks live about forty miles away so I flew in and

went by to see the kids and we visit and I'm gonna go to graduation Friday I'm in on Thursday and she says to me before I'm leaving to go down a fox she said listen she said

to rely on me she really

she says

we've got a family video tape

where I've taken a spliced in all the dance lessons in a little league baseball and that and the bicycle races and all that other stuff they've given their kids pop Warner football I've I've got all those things put on one family Cape family camp house already do that but we have nothing on my family came from you so what I want you to do I want you to record something on a videotape that you remember about the kids

and then I'm gonna included in our family take

I said I'll have a great so I left and right now my focus and then I start thinking

my first group was the day

my daughter was born

I don't remember one event

that happened to my kids when they were little grown up

I was there for five six years

I don't remember one birthday

I don't remember one Christmas

I don't remember any any anything we did as a family

I don't remember

when I going to do I'm not gonna say about us I don't remember any of that stuff so I go up there on Friday to see the kids would go there she says we need to make the video yet every time I go up there says one if I made this video and I haven't

we leave them on Monday Sunday

the kids come in and stay with

I will pick them up she said he made the tape

I can't tell

I can't tell I don't I don't know what to say

there's a surprising actually

I think she should get the kids out of the room she said get out of the room

later done along

she's not sure what's what's the matter

Contreras member

remember anything

she thought maybe she jumped up should wait a minute

she went back and then she came out with like five big

full

journals you know photo albums

you don't have any pictures of the kids will via because when I got divorced my lan I just ran out what happened to him I had no pictures of the kids when they were little or anything

shed five big photo albums of pictures when the kids when I was there and the kids were wrong

and she said the

tell you what she said take these albums with you tonight and look through there maybe when you see a picture of a remind you of something if you can talk about on that tape because we want to have you included on that tape for the kids

and then she said and by the way she said I know a lot of those pictures she said I've got every negative

the files

is Alan on

well organized she said

take as many of those pictures you want because I make I get the negative I make duplicates

so I went home and I went through that I found some southern member I made the video did she give me her camera now I made a video tape and and it was an upgrade I took a bunch of pictures

in getting back to our

now that includes

you

this from a woman that wasn't gonna give me nothing

they call me a son of a **** just a few years prior to that

and now she's giving me pictures include me in that paper kids

and on our way here all that stuff including those pictures which I never I now go

take a picture of my kids around the house here

it has been restored that's that's been true in every area of my life

because I did whatever you told me to do

I did

you know I've made me I've made all the financial means our MasterCard visa and all those people wanted been ten years since they've heard from me and I'll

hi since Iran's bank letters I sent two letters I mean they never the second time they respond in there so we can't find any record

we don't know who you are

and

so then I'm fine for a mortgage

we plan for a mortgage or buying a house

and they without a whole bunch of forms and then the gal says now is there any other day

the chairman told me about

and I said there any other payments you have which I am aware so I'm very much I supported products this one pager support

she's always been divorced yeah she will need a copy or North Korea

why she was possibly accompanied with great

and I said

I don't think I have

I think I've watched

I said I can give you her number she can call her and get her son affidavit down that I am paying child support

should know we need the divorce decree

sure what worry divorces in Utah she will write him

where I'm get a copy of the check for you then we chat

so I went home and pulled out my divorce decree

because see in it of course to pre she divorced me

for excessive consumption of alcohol

HM there was also I noticed signs bank that wasn't secured

that I had a son the son of not thinking the money

and now

and there are scripts as I was also responsible for that and secure data designs bank

this is an open up a can works

so I call my sponsor out of ten dollars what

so I call I call the more easily back I said that is

she's my ex wife sent me a copy of that I have in a couple days

he never got back into

so I'm I'm I talked I talked to four guys with long term sobriety town about this thing about what happened with these these the divorce decree and they all said Colin withdraw the application

and then go apply somewhere else

and don't come back

yeah one was an attorney

they had like fifteen years so pricey just withdraw the application and go somewhere else north county been divorced

and I was down to the point right now I can do that or I can

what I can do I'm real good at cutting and pasting

that's at the very bottom of the divorce decree

okay I don't make a Xerox copy that last page cut that part out put it back together make another Xerox copy and it looked perfect

I'm excited for this thing

so I the lady's gonna pick it up the next day my sponsor gets back into town

he says because he says I I got like five messages from you what's going on

well as I told about this deal on

N. I. C. supporting indigenous well I've done it

he said what I said I feel about my cutting and pasting

long

this is how long have you been sober

it's over for half years

he's a four and a half years

yeah

he said you're willing to risk

four and a half years of sobriety

for a god damn house

it's incredible to

you're going to risk your sobriety for the house

because you're not being honest

so what I'm gonna do he said given the degree let them decide what to do that's not your place

they won all the facts given all the facts and they can make the decision based on the facts

so I gave her the gift they're the real the divorce decree and

next day she causes she says you've been approved

what you're not you don't must watch said the minister had your pasty

he says

do you know where your name

you know he's he's only alerted the bar

he's a you know or not for you and your mom is neat

your mama never taught you how to do that

how to take a document now for like that

I said no she never she never tell me

this is you learn in the bar

he said Iraq

she can get away from the whole thinking

you know because that's what I do stuff when I'm drinking

you know whatever I need to read a book and manage the situation to get the results that I want so I just gave the decree that prove me

even though I've gone through the process of making a man's writing designs bank doing all that stuff I was scared to death they're gonna find out what the deal was and not get and I want you to get what I wanted

and so I need the exercise that change

which means I gave that report to curry and all those a means

you know that and then you come one to make I don't work out the way they're supposed to work and they may not all be good

the man all the good they made there may be some price to pay

but you're gonna have to pay

Matthew some jail time

you may have to

Hey on stuff for years to get paid off

but you have to pay

if you want to stay sober and math all the sentinels once you start making those means that's when the promises Mr come through your life because you might want to look at all those financial means said he turned over says you can't make those

that's a good

he said no

it's not that you're not going to make it you're going to pay but it's impossible not as making four Bucks an hour

you know I had thousands and hundreds of thousands of dollars of their

Hey this is no way to pay it off at that rate

so what's your vision of terminals around over to god and god was going to give you the money to pay those off

as long as you're taking the money god gives you pain your man's it'll continue to come in

if you take that money to spend on yourself

your selfish self centered designers can dry up

financial measures resisting coming

it's gonna make you have to worry about having to get the money to make a

that's not the point

the money's gonna be given to you god will give you the money

your job is to take the money and pass on that you've already

taken from

uses the word make next toughest things make Mr family

because Adam is gonna go on forever

and you're gonna pay that you're gonna change any change of behavior do the right thing for a long long time

and it's a wonderful experience and all the problems within three months I mean and great

the yeah I made those demands a mechanism in

and I married living in Dallas got that mortgage things longer at

and

there are some things that happen in sobriety and a warning about

the very beginning they they tell us

in our adventures before and after

we do have some adventure after you get here the

it's going to be a little scary after you get so

and then in October of nineteen eighty

eight

October nineteen eighty eight I've been asked to order Sri force because the tri state conference report Louisiana to Saturday night speaker I I got up Friday morning

beautiful day

hi get ready to go to the conference is frequently drive Shreveport

take the day off

travel over there so I come out of my house in north Dallas like at that mortgage on

and I walked down past the pool and then sponsored one of the garage and I give him my German Carmen leisurely can rival or Shreveport some big shot

yeah why can't go should have to fly over that night she got unfortunately big shot

she gonna come over that night after work file or

so I traveled to Freeport I go over there

in a pick up Friday

I get upstairs to speak Saturday for this beautiful picture of successful sobriety running the top

I got Saturday morning and I'm I'm screwed I'm in more pain than I've ever been in my sobriety I just wanted to die I want to be there I don't talk to anybody I want to die

I don't really want I just kinda want to wake up dead

wake up somebody else I want to be when I am you know I just want to be somewhere else somebody else doing something else I just you know a lot of pain

give a terrible talk

cockle and Shreveport

factor Catholic priest cost quite a bit was speaking over there are some six months later and he said we have a new friend he said many of terrible talking triple

what's wrong about it than I can

so I got back and I called my sponsor Sunday when I got back in town yeah him Monday and I found out that it takes me one day

to screw up my life

any year to accept

but what what the my pain came from October of eighty seven

not not total eighty eight

an eighty seven you remember not told where they had a stock market crash

and the stock market drops seven hundred points which is a that was about thirty percent of the value

in one day

you got five hundred points on Monday two hundred fifty points on Friday so in two days it lost about a third of its value

which would have been like a move last laugh now but I would've been like going from eleven thousand to six

you know

and

pretty devastating I lost all money when this mark I don't have a lot of money in the market you know but I lost a little bit

and if I recall my sponsor

he said my sponsor you know here's what happened here's a lot of what should I do if I had done what he did

because he had a lot of money in the market a lot

and

what he did was nothing

he did nothing and by December and come back with a head or was going to fail

thank you but I didn't do that in common sponsor I had to figure out for myself

I didn't ask anybody what should I do I just figured I got a ticket so I sold them hello stock I had left what what stock was there for a little bit of money

and I start trading stock options

which for those you don't know is a very high risk venture

gambling and

and I perceive or the next year to lose about

creams

and my last night one day

I mean there's a lot of money

a lot of money

on one of the affected area and the money I lost

wasn't mine

what kind of lies okay that

I signed one of those notes at the bank they gave me this money you know and and so I got this man out on who's got so I had this I had this unsecured notes the bank had this many had borrowed I had thousands and thousands of dollars and barred at the bank and secured that I owed on it no

and I was coming to

and I'm in a lot of pain over this and secure I don't have the money I don't have anywhere close to the might pay that off I'm just screwed

and one other thing