Hector E. from Los Angeles, CA telling his story at the Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

hello everybody my name is Hector and I am an alcoholic

finally I made it to New Jersey have so happy thank you yeah I want to thank Jersey Mike Nichols in Jersey Mike for inviting me to speak here it's always a pleasure you know to participate I mean about a comic's anonymous and also Cathy for being such a lovely host I'm going to stay with them tonight

I'm not going to tell you my story remember whatever I said from the podium is just my experience in my opinion and fortune they happen to be very opinionated and I may be wrong but I'm never in doubt

hi I mean it's over twenty four years

and my home group is Robinson originals on Sunday mornings I noticed that at the very beginning my father was an Arab my mother was an Italian that was born in Argentina

I do think is funny I think I can my Japanese

they were poor the way literate the violence they dressed badly and they smelled even worse

she will poor poor connection to you know do a port in this country's middle class around the world I wouldn't have you know floors dirt floors would have running water we don't have no heat and and my parents were very very violent but I you know the more violent until I came to AA here they give you all these problems you know

one of my its policies after told him my story all Hector you will not be used child really

he my mother used to change me to a sewing machine it was nothing bad realist doesn't you know she was an equal opportunity change you know she changed my kid sister underdog enough to disagree with you it's no big deal just at their counter Thailand maybe daydream about masturbation you're twelve years old when you going to do

what she used to do the really really scare me improbably mark to me for the rest of my life with the what I would do something mysterious is that Hector

I'm not going to chase after you we had to consciously

so when I was sound asleep a one o'clock at night she wouldn't cover me and beat me at what is sure to be so what

so

from there until I left home when I was eighteen I really always slipped totally covered because I do know is coming my father was a little more violent you will get in life for a gun and we all will run through the streets because he was gonna kill us you know and I'm not telling you this because it has anything to do with my alcoholism I'm telling you to do this because I'm going to tell you how I dealt with it after I got sober

how I heal of these two relationships because that's what we do in a

I I always knew

I was going to be OK I was coming to America I knew it was coming to Americans I was eight years old I used to keep magazines American magazines and day dream some day I'm going to be with them

it had a little room in the back of that room it was like a a it because the chicken coop you know in the back and I fixed it and I have only American magazines in my dreams in that little room I didn't belong to them

I was different

and I save myself because when I was twelve I get out of the house and became an athlete

and I would drop the books and go to the gym

when I was eighteen I left the house when I was twenty four I came to America oh by the way I came here legally okay southern don't get any funny ideas you don't if you don't like my pitch you gonna send me back to Argentina and I'm an American citizen you're screwed that is it

and of all the places in the world is little hick boy from Argentina where do I go New York

New York

and I just I remember you know I will always remember my first night I arrived late the might it was like eleven o'clock and this cheap little hotel and I went out of my hand Park Avenue and I look at all these huge buildings built of glad built you know with glass and steel and I just couldn't believe it the man could do that remember I come from a little town in Argentina village almost so this was enormous and I was in I fell in love with American I'm still love with America you know been a citizen now for thirty five years

I got into advertising and I worked real hard and within

eighteen months work in advertising I went to Europe I saved enough money to go to Europe that's incredible imagine Tina in nineteen sixty one only the million is to go to Europe and I visit all the museums and all the churches and I saw all the most beautiful art in the world and I don't know where that comes from

because there wasn't a single painting my entire house

they always loved art and beauty

because my house was filthy and messy so always wanted to be surrounded by beauty and order when I came back from European L.

I was always an isolator you know it's just like I felt that was different and I said I wanted to socialize and they told me in order to socialize I have to go to a bar

in America would go to a bar to socialize you know imagine Tina's filled and they didn't do that now they do it they copy everything we do here and the so I prepare my go to the bar I never been to a bar my entire life you know and I always want

I always want to be I'm very anal I like to do things very properly you know and one of the things I didn't like and I still don't like is my accent you know I I didn't know I had an action until I took this lady to register the music hall I remember was a picture with rock Hudson in Chino Lebih jika

and I said to this young lady said boy Gina hi speak Occitan

and she says oh no no it's very lovely just like yours

do I have an accent yes in this adorable I could have killed her you know what I mean I went home and bought a tape recorder the next day and I listen to myself kakak kakak

hi someone like free to Bundy though you know what I mean

now I sound like my parents my parents will foreigners they had accidents I detested them because they were so different you know I wouldn't be caught dead with my parents and parents in the streets in Argentina you know so now I'm going to go to a bar I'm going to socialize I got into my three piece suit from Brooks brothers oh yes I forgot to tell you

my first dream when I came here

you know it was to be a wasp

I wanted to be a white

it can we make this a little higher

I wanted to be a wash you know but in those days ninety six you want to have a big black Afro you know and a black mustache coming down to here in no matter how well I dressed always looked like a Mexican yep you know what I mean I just didn't make it you know

but I wanted to sound properly so I'm going to go have a drink in the American bar so I practice in the mirror right I got into my three piece suit from Brooks brothers I look in the mirror go like this

you will meet with you please you know and I practice for like an hour how to order a drink you know we ski I wanted to be sophisticated

some of the older guys remember wreck have rex Harrison my I wanted to be rex Harrison that's it so I walk into this bar

he was so strange it was full of Mormons you know I mean you know they look like Mormons all this guy was told blonde crew cuts in dark suits and dark ties I thought it was a Mormon bar I do know Mormons don't drink you know what I mean we see the only American send you an option to you know where the Mormon missionaries used to come to a little town in Argentina little village to try to change us from I'm happy little Catholics to our happy little Mormons

and they all look the same Dr Seuss dot tying crew cut so I said this must be a Mormon more

you know in the bartender came over this tall blonde man insists blue English to watch just like Spanish to you when you don't know it sounds like gibberish right but I was the passage

he

and he looked at me because blue message again

now in hindsight I realized he was asking me what kind of whiskey on the rocks which soda I don't understand I kept saying please he was he got pissed

so he grabbed his bottle

would it be I've never seen one of those bottles in a little shot glass

but they're missing the shot glass I don't know what a shot glasses thank you pour this pissed like substance

inside the school class and he put the little glass in front of me

in a look at the little glass what is the game is such a little class and I looked around all the Mormons a tall grasses

maybe he's trying to punish me because I'm not a Mormon you know what I mean I don't know well maybe give a little less because I'm short I don't know

but I try to act macho right it picked up the glass and I swallow the whole thing in one take it was awful

he came out of my years my nose might allow most died

and this morning that was standing next to me who looked like to add Gregory Peck in to kill a mockingbird he said in Spanish for kindle parade about pool but he but he wanted so I could believe it easy to pronounce spent good money to provide what could only be completed and rum and coke

I loved it I'm addicted to sugar I'm really I'm really addicted to sugar and I loved it and from then on I drank everything would coke is Scotch and coke

vodka and coke

finally I graduated my drink of choice okay sangre em coke

don't knock it before you try it you don't know

you see anything that was sweet I love anything that had a number alone any drink them I just love to know and I began drinking a lot

and I didn't drink because I like drinking I drank because I feel like anything about myself

you see I don't like anything I remember once I read the lord of the BG he was a genius he said the perfectly proportioned man is seven times ten times the size of his help

so I mention this this is extra large okay according to that I'm supposed to be seven feet two inches tall

every time I looked in the mirror says little **** was huge head he was bigger than the have you got for remember

she my nose looks like a bell pepper right

and I do think is funny idea

I had a nose job

I'm the only person I know who looks exactly the same before and after

I went home my mother didn't realize I had a nose job I'm still pissed so that's why I drank because I didn't like anything about myself and what I drank I was tall I was good looking I spoke perfect English I was I was I was allowed **** that's where I was and I got beat up a lot then thrown out of places you know

and I began drinking a lot and really fast because I was told was isolated I read a book once called loneliness the fear of love you don't have to read it that's it

you know because you know if you get to know me you're not going to lie to me so I keep your distance

and I have my first suicide attempt

and I don't remember why don't ask me why I am very sensitive probably the doorman to say good morning to me and I'm going to kill myself I'll teach him a lesson you know and I am I took about forty pills

and it was phenomenal

I still remember the feeling it was like a horizontal line that really really was like this a horizontal line coming down it was so peaceful

it was so wonderful I don't have it all I don't have to conquer New York

so peaceful of course it was I was dying

but the phone ran

I mean my death bed I'm nosy

so I picked up the phone it was my friend Rudy and release realize you know within the minute what I have done he said heck if you don't call me from the hospital and dream in five minutes I call the cops click he hung up all my god I want to be dead but I don't want the cops to my house

how one balancing you know so I floated to Bellevue

it's only a few blocks away from where I was and they pump my stomach and maybe she shrinks and I began seeing shrinks and they were all very good shrinks they couldn't help me because I never told the truth and I keep drinking some more and

I have my second suicide attempt I threw myself in front of the bus

by the way when I came to a head you think my life was unmanageable people throw themselves in front the buses all the time

and

and I couldn't believe it why it was someone happy and you know I don't know why I am so happy and because I had achieved the American dream I had the Brooks brothers suits to Bloomingdale's furniture you know I had a beautiful apartment the beautiful again the view of mine happened I don't know why you tell me why when I came here

he told me that I was looking for my to be a solution to a spiritual problem

can you tell me nothing nothing that I can see with my eyes can fix my insides nothing

I have a girlfriend boyfriend how is the money all those things are wonderful the job and it doesn't really solve my in a problem

it's a spiritual problem and it needs a spiritual solution I didn't know that I thought if I had all the things I have seen the American magazines I was going to be happy

and I knew I was going to be happy this will make me happy if all these things in that make me happy I'm going to become an actor

and what I am famous everybody's going to Love Me and I was going to be the greatest actor in the world

I was gonna do Richard the third in London better than all the VA

that's kind of difficult when you can't speak English you know

so I yeah

and I became an actor you know and I got this commercial if I see myself in the commotion going to be OK to commercial three commission Hector cut cut cut cut cut cut any idiot can do commercials even Joe name with us commercials no no you have to do theater heck to fear

Angad said okay list mark I'll show you and I got into this play at the public theater before Joe Papp and we won all

it was so phenomenal the success that took us to Broadway and we won all the awards on Broadway and I still was a piece of garbage I still felt like a piece of garbage

and one day I came to about two o'clock in the afternoon

and I had a moment of clarity I realized what my problem was my problem it's New York

this is

I'm friendly hall style city you know horrible people had to move to a more friendly caring nurturing place so I moved to Hollywood

and you know if you're an isolator you know you're going to New York you go down the elevator opened the door as ten thousand people they're all ready to mind you but that they're right in LA to get market you need a car

everything you think three miles away I got more isolated

and

and I kept in the ride that was in the seventies you know and I was a Latino actor with this mustache in the black hair and I did a lot of bad guys I guess started many shows you know and I was always killing people molesting women selling children's smuggling dope you know I always end up in jail always get killed I've been handcuffed on TV more times of the Menendez brothers you know what I mean

I was really all was killed and I thought if I get a Mercedes you know was going to get it to be okay and I bought a Mercedes got actually god actually stole my Mustang in a motor Mercedes and I used to mark the message in front of the building one of the big windows to look at myself in the in the in the in the window looking ahead he has a Mercedes

and I might get drunk go down to the the garage and shine my mysteries in my pajamas to maybe talk to my people my Mercedes in Spanish I can leave a message deductible need look at

I need

my life was not a manageable you know

and it doesn't fix it

so finally I got this spark you know and

and a movie of the week call one to the Sundance woman which is the sequel to Butch Cassidy Katherine Ross was that the the lead and I'm going to play a good guy I'm going to be punch of EDS right hand man I am going to save the girl I could read it I got the part I go home and the the the director called please Hector who forgot to ask you a question can you ride a horse

can I ride a horse I'm a god to from Argentina I was born on a horse

I live

so we'll get to too strong with all the interior is never going to do next two years well gonna ride around the jail and save Katherine Ross right now

if if you write properly this is the horse this issue

it's not

when the put on top of that stupid animal this is what IT

the director they think it was funny he had a heart attack why did you

ask your all gone he went on and on and then made me practice they put me on top of this stupid animal I hate horses

for four hours

I couldn't get off the horse when I got off I connected my legs to get I walk like this and on top of that my **** was a huge blister

I couldn't sit

so I went to the store but supports integrity and coca Cola

and I drank half a gallon so great was some coca Cola the next day I show up on the set of this used to be sure

I cannot do this scene my **** is a huge blister

Hector we don't give a ****

you see behind you it's two hundred extras we cannot hire them tomorrow we have to do it today

so what they do it is to put some wet towels on that thing when you're collecting the saddle and the Marlboro guys you know the Wranglers put me on top of it the soul and balancing I'm paying this heavy duty match abandoned or right boneless across the chest big guns a mustache the hat sitting on wet towels you know what I mean

now we're going to save Katherine Ross so the give me the gun this is Hector don't cocked the gun and to give galloping and should only in the air because forget to disclose a ball your eyes out remember that good looking guy who plays Russian roulette and kill himself with a blank if a dangerous

I have a hangover

I look behind me

two hundred Mexican some horses if I fall I'm dead

so the way they do it is that six of us principles lined up

the Rangers hold the horses and big action just let the horses in the ASEAN we take off so the guys there I'm going to cheat I'm going to cut the gun you know what I mean at least I'll get one shot out and I hold it like this right then the hose goes

bom

oh my god I shook the ring during the S.

he think it was funny you know what I mean so we do the take well going to do a retake now he's holding the horse like this

I'm an alcoholic but I'm not stupid I cocked the gun again

I'm not going to hit that man again he's going to kill me I put it next to my leg and the horse goes yeah

bone

my gosh I shop my Clank

my costumes in flames

I don't care I have to say the bill I'm an alcoholic right at the start galloping the frames of coming up you know what I mean by the end of the ticket was like a torch and topple horse

so we got to the end of the take

they go bananas I don't feel nothing I have a hangover right I have a hole about this big my cap but I don't feel nothing they threw me on the floor the blanket to put the fire out

the rush me to the hospital

and I have to be in the hospital for a month because they have to perform to operations want to remove their infection because he got infected into his skin graft

when I was in the hospital my agent and send it flowers in your I'm very sensitive

you know send me flowers I kill myself I'll teach you a lesson

so I called my friend I I Reno to bring me the pills so by the way I never took pills well only once I just had only thirty forty person because I want to kill myself all the time only took one pill once I was in the gym and this guy gave me a black beauty

all you guys are really junkies

he said to me if you take one of these you're going to have so much energy Hector

I took it I couldn't stop cleaning my apartment

I clean my entire apartment one day twice I was dusting the ceilings you know what I mean I was planning my life you know writing writing the only thing I can close my mouth I was like this

never again Jesus Christ and the

no I asked I read to bring the pills and I took about forty of them and that was my last and best who cited him

one in eight people laugh when I understood it was to my friend the minds of

we are the holidays with that all the time

and I was in coma for three days in intensive care unit

my heart stopped twice they had to revive me twice

I basically was dead for three days you know

and

yeah the revive me twice

and I have everything I had a new Mercedes you know I had the most beautiful what drove you ever seen at a gorgeous apartment I had enough money in the bank

to live a whole year without working you know M.

the only thing I didn't how was Hector

I would just an empty shell

nothing inside one of you describe me when I came here

you know you said I was a huge ball of fear covered with little human skin

I was me

the books he quite feel with the thief because rob says wow lives

you know remember that in the fourth step that I think a little flash cut cut column fear fear fear fear fear is overwhelming quality of all alcoholics anyway my string sent me here

you are not the holiday to go to a and I've been sober you know twenty four years and I fell in love with a I collated the mafia of love

new Commish once you come to a few meetings you can get out

we are everywhere and you come is

especially when you're coming out of the seven eleven a one o'clock at night little brown bag

somebody's going to say Hey we haven't seen you have me out why you'll

they do that long day

anyway you come and stay with us nobody wants to anyway

it's either this or one flew over the cuckoo's nest monastery with us let us love you until you learn how to love yourself I'm gonna speak another fifteen minutes and we'll talk a little bit about the steps of my program I like to make people laugh

because we're supposed to be happy joyous and free and while we laugh is a communion in now of the spirit

well god is present

and he's being heard

anyway

I want the steps you know with my first sponsor in the

and I did my a man's and everything but I didn't understand above steps until I have like fourteen years sobriety

when people say you know

the steps in order to achieve sobriety yes the end result of the steps sobriety before me just for me the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous has spiritual tools to develop a conscious contact with god

and if I do that the obsession will be removed they don't notice the were recovery is not mentioned twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous the worst so Brady is not mentioned in the twelve steps not even the name of our disease alcoholism

this one name one thing just mentioned nine times check it out that word is god

alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful but this one Matt two or three one capital that has all the power

and then they name it that one is gone may you find him now

and that's what I believe the twelve steps are really special tools for me to become a one with this end willing power estimate been there inside of me

because my son ship my relationship with god has no beginning and no end

it is eternal and that's what I believe but I had a problem with god become I come from a Catholic background in my god was not a loving god my god was a punishing god my god looked like Charlton Heston thank you behave like Leona Helmsley

she had no he had no patience for the little people

and I found this description that I would read you know I should know by heart but I'm seeing I don't remember nothing

and it is by Jill goldsmith I read a lot of his books he was a spiritual giant

the great myth the physician and he said and this applies only to meet how to you regardless of how high my constant got is it is wrong

because it is still a concept eventually have to lose so concepts and reach the consciousness like conscious contact the consciousness that god hears and then leave the subject alone because with the mine I'm never going to know what got it and the big books is the same thing on page forty six even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define comprehend that power which we call god H. forty six M.

then the books just base fifty three we had to fearlessly faced a proposition that god is everything or else he is nothing guy either is or he isn't what was our choice to be

and also the god the book tells me where to find god because I thought he was floating somewhere you know in the cloud the book tells me you know he says we faced fifty five we found a great reality deep down within us in the last analysis it is only fair that he may be found it was still with us and that's why I believe that god is

how can I define a spiritual entity that takes care of six billion people at the same time

what a great feel lotions and great spiritual and religious authorities have not been able to do it for two thousand years

but I believe that god is

somebody said a temple a synagogue or church is the house of god in a meeting this guy's workshop

and I love that

and I came to believe just for me to remember this is for me not for you

the goddess incomplete without us

because he lost through us

he needs a Hounslow hugging out kissing our smiling that's why god says if you believe in me I am

where god's secret weapon and that's what I believe

I also believe that god loved me so much that he created me in his own image and likeness

and whatever I am god is always that's what we said was that our father right our father

if he's our father we are his children gosh DNA is inside of all of us and that's what I believe

and as I said you know people say that

the steps are tools to achieve sobriety yes the end result survivors to meet to me just tools to achieve that conscious contact with god

in

I hated that this thing and I'm on page thirty to twelve and twelve the fact was we really had not clean house so that the grace of god could interested expelled the obsession therefore we remain self deceived and showing people were incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity all the facts what I have to receive enough for god's grace in what is god's grace the book doesn't say twelve and twelve doesn't say how to read other other books and take some courses in this simplistic version of god's grace is god's grace is an unmerited gift

that's it I made a little more complicated by seeing god's grace cannot be earned or do you Sir

that's grace is not happening in the future that's racist operating me right this second

that's great ensigns of my entire life Goss graves is god in me

and that's what I believe

and I believe the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous I spiritual tools to plans to me inside so god can use me

you see the first step is to have a problem the second step but need a solution the first from first up since that's allusion is god I had to turn my wheel in my life to god and how do I do what is my well you taught me my will as my folks

somebody said many years ago as a man thinketh so here's four things

look around you everything you're wearing this church that wall this table everything is started with a fault

so I had to be careful what I think but they because they will manifest in my life an emotional level or physical level what is my life you taught me my life is my actions

a man or a woman the judge by what he wears what he drive how much money he makes a man or a woman judged by his actions Emerson said your actions speak so loudly I cannot hear what you say

that said

how do I turn my will my life over to the care of god and what does that mean means putting god first

means I have to live a life based on spiritual principle and what a special principal ID no

its principal spiritual principle is

let me see if I remember I know hope is visible undeniable truth

it's spiritual principles and that the baby double in all spiritual principle absolute love versus pitcher principal forgiveness prosperity peace

so now I have to close this with god can use me because that's all I am a channel through which god can shine I owe myself from nothing the book says

so what is the plans you have to do four one five all this character defect

I had to do that then I go still going to six and seven

I see five forgot anything that humbly ask god to remove this character defects and I know when I did the steps I have the character defects in the spiritual part principal opposite to it so when I ask god to remove this character defects I have a goal set for me

that's what has to be replaced with a my rate to receive god's grace will not really see what I was drinking I did harm to all of those people out there form five best relationship with myself eight and minus my relationship with the universe

I had to make amends to all those people

am I ready to receive god's grace yes

notice that the promises they're coming after nine step the bill Wilson who wrote the big book on the twelve and twelve noon we were out the whole mix and asked how the heart works we were going to screw up on a daily basis so he gives us a daily tool to clean the channel so that god can use me we'll be right with the book says to be a maximum used to god and boast about

I'm not used to god if I'm full of resentment anger envy jealousy

so I had to be clans so we do ten what happens after ten how do I improve my relationship with god prayer and meditation

are the two most important vehicles to have that conscious contracted got god

this is a funny definition of my friend Harvey my group has a prayer meditation I'm going to tell you he says when you talk to god as cold air when god talks back to you as qualities a friend yeah

I think his

okay

yes I have to talk to god and what is prayer prayer is not begging deal making

suffocating prayer

it's just I talked to got to align myself with the will of god

that's all there's no deal making with god and the most important the most important step Dick polity impress faith

yeah without faith is useless

pray believing that they give to us already given because remember it's the father great joy to give you the kingdom

so playing knowing that the gift disarray given and then I do prayer I mean meditation what is meditation I go within to shut out you know the world of conditions or circumstances because that's not the reality that's not really my life my life is inside of me this is not Hector which is seen this is the physical manifestation but the real Hector's inside

if that's god's grace that's my spirit and that's really I'm touched

that's I'm sure we'll

and that's regardless and that's what the steps are for to get in touch with the divinity which is inside of all of us and then I shut up and go within

to listen to this still mostly small voice

and this is funny the first eleven steps in that bin meditations silence and why is that I believe just for me silence is the language of god

be still and know that I am god he doesn't say run around talking your cell phone in his hand which meant in driving and know that I am god

B. Steele Hector H. B. still Hector and what do I do after eleven we do service the books three times faith without works is dead

I can sound like Mother Teresa from the podium if item fulfill my three commitments you know in my home group I don't have a program

you see things are given to me to use them that given to me to keep

I don't keep nothing and if I don't give it away the flow stops

the gore flow comes on the think French often where is slow

if I keep it stops here if I keep giving them more I give the more I shall receive so that's step twelve I'm takes five more minutes and tell you what happened my mom and dad

will make the second part shorter I'll talk less about with him said France so

I have three years of sobriety and I felt very uncomfortable and I you know why

and I did inventory and I realized I still hated my parents

and the books this resentment is the number one killer

and he doesn't exempt parents

in L.

and I did inventory

and you know I realize we have double standards in AA if a newcomer walks through that door I just got out of jail I killed two people that's why I was in jail and rob five banks would we say well

you want as you want coffee and cookies late at all we'll take you out to dinner

forgiveness right now with that parents they have to be perfect are we perfect I don't know about you I'm not even in sobriety I'm not I had to make a lot of momentum sobriety and when I went to do my eighth and ninth I do want justice I want those people to forgive me because if I was to get justice for all the garbage I did you don't want to be standing next to me when I get it

so I had to write inventory and I realize he is my mother chain me and beat me up a few times

there was only fifteen percent twenty percent of the question and that it was wrong

I'm not condoning child abuse but she was an exuberant passion from Italy

she never went to school some of us can get at home we had the privilege of going to school we learned something in school she didn't

and I realize that began thinking yes she beat me up she checked me a few times but you know she was illiterate but she put me through twelve years of school

she she I might we had no heat to warm up the brick on the stove rapid with an old rag warm up the bed and put on my feet

when I was five years old wouldn't have a Christmas tree she took a broom stick some wire it's a great paper made at those Christmas tree fall into branches five branch six branches she went out with a Christmas for with Porter and book for Christmas ball on the point

bagasse what I had my Christmas tree every year she Michael Tolliver and make some more ornaments

she was doing the best she could with the knowledge she has

when I had told you sold you have to buy a kid a bicycle is a confinement as comfortable now we're talking fifty years ago okay and she bought me the best bicycle in town imported from Italy not even the rich kids in the neighborhood didn't have a bicycle like that she worked always had two jobs there's no welfare in Argentina she got up every day of the year I five o'clock in the morning and she worked until eleven o'clock at night but I have my bicycle