Steps 10, 11 and 12 at the Carry This Message Group in West Orange, NY

the month of October speaking on steps ten eleven and twelve Peter M. from Brooklyn

talking to make

hi everybody my name is Peter I'm an alcoholic

how you doing

she's

very very reliable so ready meeting and

once again thank the group and Mike four wrote this kind invitation of having me down here to pass the four weeks

this is certainly going to be one of the bright spots of my life this is been an absolute joy and I really have all of you guys to thank for that for making this easy for me

from bracing what I had to say and bracing me when I walked in the door and

I've always shared this whenever I walk into a room of AA and AAA meetings I'm treated with nothing less than dignity love and respect and you guys have shown that week after week I've been coming here and that's one of the great things about awful synonymous I've gone to meetings in many many places and always have been welcomed

windows so I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart made this really a joy for me

we're supposed to talk I'm supposed to talk about ten eleven or twelve tonight and I just want to share a a a quick nine step one man's story before I get into a talk we talk about ten eleven twelve

sometimes I share how god has a sense of humor but are you going through this work the second time trying to stay current tie I have realized the value of being current where am I now what am I doing now with new experiences in my seeking a my having it's been I've have found vital to me being a recovered alcoholic

but idea was going through this work in woman's name came up on this list that I needed to go see and it was one of those names on a list that you just now I'm not going to go all out I'm not going to do justice I shouldn't do this in a lot of should not too and not listening to the quiet voice to go do this and so I speak to my sponsors you really need to go to take care of this

and so I sit in premeditation because I have no clue where this woman is and I get the idea look through some old phone books and but the third phone book I went through I find her phone number and I make a call to her I took a shot no one answered second phone call she answered and she knew I was right away I don't know if that was good or bad

but I explained to her what I was making this phone call

and this was right after by the way was in sunset park Brooklyn I just finished giving a talk and I made this phone call and so I shared why was make it why I was making this approach and and the homes I was clear on and I had S. is anything you need to tell me and what can I do to make this right and she's asked me

if she if I can give her some money and I asked her how much she would need and she told me and so I agreed to meet with her

so I just leave a meeting I'm going to make an approach to clean up the wreckage of my past all good so far and she tells me where she lives in was a part of sheepshead bay Brooklyn that I was sort of familiar with the turn out to be a sort of spot and I asked if she would meet me downstairs because I don't want to go into the home or anything and she agreed and she was downstairs and she's standing outside with the people so I says what did I do you know

anyway I pull up and I make a prayer and I I turned to my god and I asking for some strength and direction again and I get out of the car and once again I kind of reiterate why was there and sadly she didn't look too healthy and in a very delicate way I suggested places she can go to to get some help how truly sorry I was for the damage I had caused

and I gave her the money she requested I wish to well I got back in my car on my way to my car I kind of felt like I hear this expression what like drop the rock a lot of that pulled up was

kind of off my shoulders I felt lighter and a lot more clients and free and that I did the right thing and I took care of business wreckage of my pass another piece put away

and I got my car and I thank god again and I started to drive away and

I noticed the police pulled out of the projects and followed me and I don't think much about it I made sure I had my seatbelt on and that was it being a good citizen rights throughout right across my shoulder

you know what I'm talking about right so

and so I I come up to the light and I make a left and they make a left to and I come up to the next light make a right and they made a right and the lights went on

and I'm saying okay I don't want any red lights and I'm clean and sober so what's the deal anyway they got out of the car and he says what are you doing here and I

give us your license or registration sorry so my address which you stand island and bases you live in Staten Island and you hear voices officer here's the deal

I thought I was going to go to jail ISIS he's what are you doing here nice's okay what do I do telling the truth as officer I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I just finished speaking at a meeting in sunset park Brooklyn he says hold

you live in St island in sunset park Brooklyn and I use sheepshead bay I says yeah he's what are you doing it ice is part of what I do how I live it is clean up wreckage of my past I'm here to clean up some business I damage someone a long time ago I'm really trying to do the right thing that's why I'm here I'm on my way home

he said get out of the car

so now I'm saying I'm I know I'm I'm getting pension I'm going to jail and I had my medallion as I get out my medallion happened to fall out of my shirt and I says look

I'm now on

step away from bagging and

ice is officer I'm I'm really here he says you company drugs exes I don't do drugs I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous over for over fourteen years and this is and again I told him why I was there and where I just came from and he asked me to roll up my sleeves he lifted up my pant legs he he basically rolled me and the other cop started to take apart my call basically so I tell them what a little bit of arrogance to be quite honest with you you can take the tires off you can do everything I see is I don't do that stuff anyway the good part was they were playing good cop bad cop

one cop radioed to Amanda turned a corner and that's when I really thought I was gonna get handcuffed and and gone for the night nice there goes my job and what's my family going to think and I went to the call of Marcus's bore you really set any lance this it

yeah but when I told mark the story he just laughed at me but when they radioed and I I really thought that was the call for me to get arrested and what I did was like I do with all my affairs is I just turned away or turned in and and talk to my guidance is whatever's going to happen I I am in you okay here you know I was here and I know I was here the other cop was taken apart my car in this big cop who was there for me so I will talk to you and he says I was trying to explain the night stepped to the many holy sites

and I I had told them ice's listen is a meeting call the marine park group Saturday three o'clock I sometimes go that is a sheepshead bay group is the garrison beach group that's the only reason why you gonna see me down this neighborhood in fact I've sponsored many guys on the job

I'm pleading here and so he pulls me sinuses is this that a man staying

I says yeah you can

thank you

and

so he's yeah a few guys on the job did it to me just sit here US state tying don't say anything

the other guy comes around he said I want to see an even a day wrapped up pretty much and I went to shake their hands and they reluctantly shook mine and I went about my business got my car now prior to that my wife said to me so I told I was going to do she says can you stop it only be pizza famous place for pizza not too far from there George pizza and

so after this is over I'm driving home I pick up my cell phone which is I found out I should be doing that either but and I called my wife and I said listen I'm really not move for pizza tonight

I am in the mood to throw up right now

and that was one of my any lunch stories on on making amends and it's one of those that you know I get to share and I can laugh about it but while that was happening I wasn't too sure what was happening to me that night and so I'm grateful

that worked out okay

since it's been over it truly is another piece of my life put back in its place and I'm not wearing my past little by slowly I've been able to get free and Freda

of my past

not walk around and and have to worry about who I'm going to walk into who I'm going to see on the street one is the phone going to ring you know I get free of my past

when the free I get of my past the more can be present here are you my life for the most part is not full of yesterday's and later on this for the most part I'm here present now because if she can come and experience in seeking my god and doing what I'm supposed to be doing a data time and it's been proven to me many times many many times the guys always doing for me what I can do for myself because based on my track record and what I'm capable of doing there is no way would make the phone call to this woman to clean up some things out we were a little delicate to talk about

but that's what god allow me to do

to give her her respect and so I can get free to do this this is some of the great things that have happened to me among many others going to work this time I'll say this to someone who's new and maybe just starting this work may be responsible you go home and read the book or maybe just writing out one one of the steps maybe just entering house cleaning with inventory and I know for me it looks like one or I can go through with it how many of them to do it I can't be like these other people and I'm new and I'm just starting out you have just stepped on to a road of freedom

a book talks about tapping unsuspected into resource what you do is have made contact with the god of your understanding in a maybe a group of drunks right now but what's to come it will really be many bright spots in your life if you knew when you got the white knuckle sobriety what you just started to do some work with the sponsor who is awake not walking honestly thinking they're awake is not delusional but doing some work you have just stepped onto a road to freedom

I know when I was sitting there and I would hear people talk about this I'd see it but you don't understand what it's like for me I do

I I gonna read something out of because I was afraid I was gonna forget it from pass it on but bill talks about it be that every new the weight into this cave

because he was an alcoholic like bill and was able to grab him by the hand and walk him out confidently while other people the non alcoholics have to watch

that's what we do here

so if you with the sponsor and if you're not you ought to get one who's awake

you've just stepped onto a road to freedom rather than a road I we share when I pick up a drink that was pay right to help

this is great stuff you've you don't know it maybe don't ask you maybe haven't experienced yet what you will experience you got it's happening now and you look back six months from now and say my god those days was so precious when I was counting days and my sponsors tell me go home and write a home and read very very precious moments don't overlook I wish I can just tell you what it's gonna look like but I don't that's god's job

the whole group is the free spirit group we meet Monday Wednesday and Thursday so and we just started new meeting and open up the book speaker meeting and we have some people here who were kind enough to come down and speak and I'm excited about my home group as to what's going on there we are little by slowly thanks to the speakers in some group members putting out a solution for those who can have it god gave me sober date of June twenty third nineteen eighty eight and

I'm here tonight is a recovered alcoholic and that's great news to me when I heard that I was one who suffer from untreated alcoholism that I didn't have to suffer from the obsession and compulsion that the spiritual malady could be overcome I can get free

because for me when I put down a drink I I should about this a few weeks ago I I I so but June twenty third nineteen eighty eight December twenty second nineteen eighty I was completely out of my mind

no stop work

showing up at meetings white knuckle sobriety angry wrestling discontented and driven by FIA FIA still call me and I was separated from alcohol

thank god put a teacher in my life and I start to experience some things little by slowly and I start to wake up a little bit I was brought to my home group the free spirit group and I prayed for teachers we put my life to sponsor

and he was

why would god denying me that why would god deny Newport why would god deny any one of us to get someone to bring us to him

so if you don't have a spot to say my god who do I who do I S. Ascot first

we'll put that man a woman in your life I can tell you that because I have experienced that twice in my life

great teachers have been put in my life sponsors besides the other members in local synonymous little by slowly got kept showing up are you I always said if I had to pick on my own friends or response I get someone is sick is me or worse that's been my track record

we turn to our heavenly father sick please show me where to go what to do S. a right direction he provides again why wouldn't he

I have a loving and caring gonna show you do also if you don't know it yet you will find that out

I'm I'm shown just loving care by this god many many times not only in the charities that go on outside of Alcoholics Anonymous but sometimes the people in on a ride to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous of books is that helping others is the foundation stone of our recovery

meeting breaks up watching drunk standing with a drunk in a parking lot for now inviting a junk into the house giving up their little circle you know socializing with pledges to go spend time with the drug on the phone or in person maybe after this meeting you see someone in a parking lot half hour an hour and inviting that person to go read the book and help

that's why I see god's love all the time in a

it's great thanks great offense will come to pass when me and you and that's one of them working with others

we talked about what we went through our first up we talked about the obsession talk when the allergy to spirituality which qualifies me for real to be real alcoholic getting into car crashes and I got into a few almost fatal ones doesn't qualify me for a coke synonymous you know going to rehab making three of four five rehabs may not qualify me to be real alcoholic the move back a court

and I had to go away to get the heat off but my first few rehabs

obsession compulsion the phenomena craving a doctor's opinion breaks down so much better than I can ever share with you a spiritual malady that's what makes me a real alcoholic about type in this class

the phenomena craving it always intensifies never satisfied when I'm drinking toasting separate me from the hard drinkers in the social drinkers you know

my brothers drink sometimes they get fired up really good but they show up for like the next day I have no clue what I'm gonna wind up when I pick up a drink and that's the truth

thank god for bid when I was out there I do know when I was going to pick up it just suddenly showed up and sounded good to me so let's go

and at the end I have to drink for I would become violently ill I would get really sick at the end and I still couldn't stop

my second stop was the solution to this that a god of my understanding was gonna reach told me to sanity wholeness of mind was no longer find a lot of thought of a drink was removed photos no compulsion because the spirit was awakened and I had to make a decision to get to that solution and that would step three was about my spots was in lifesaving business but the killing business you can tell me have a good third step before we move on to four feet in tell me things like well you got a lot of stuff going on your life and also to enforce that you know particular together that will put pen to paper

he did tell me things like that after my third step decision he showed me next and we move through our columns

and really by god's grace because I have to pray to god to write the sports that I finish that and sent out more sponsoring five and I got some instructions for six and seven

and my list was from my fourth step and there was some names that were added to it now another thing you know you get your list

there may be more to come

sure things are revealed to us when the supposed to be revealed to us to me and then as we go along we stuck together get a wake us okay here's some more

and then we go out and do that stuff it's about consequent enough direction my past because that stuff will come back and bite me it'll kill me and how to kill me to take me away from here and I'll pick up a drink

a book talks about resentment I think the use of words fatal resentments of fatal not only to me that we know that

what about the people who are suffering along while we're in a place of resentment when I'm driven by fear how many people do I step on to like it free of that fear

I'm living in a resentment how many people do I step on when I'm in that place of resentment usually it's family first people closest to us

and so I was adding names to my list as I went along and made my approach is in nine into as we clean up the past

use me

Holbrooke says something very profound for me it says we've entered the world of the spirit

I've been awakened by this time

enter the world of spirit it doesn't tell me now kick back and rest on your laurels

you did enough work Pete you're done

it says connect with that I was supposed to continue continue to grow in understanding and effectiveness

continue next vigor words like this all book uses all the time so what am I going to do about growing understanding effective this one is out about there's a lot of these awful lot of disciplines that I need for my god in order to stay awake

the protest continue to take personally told only wrong promptly admitted I'll share this in I I don't wanna you know

get on a soapbox here but I've heard very strange were ways to work at work in this times that

I was brought up in this thing to write I do a lot of writing people's tell me sometimes I'm crazy I over right I read the overriding get free not to write and be sick but I've heard many people say well I'm gonna reset when I just turned to gonna go about my life and that's great but we discussing with its as we discussed this with someone

however once we turn to god we discuss it with someone and we see who we can be helpful to

so my thing was if you're not discussing it with someone how do you know god's talking to you you may be delusion on thinking you're listening to god

and then you gonna be sponsoring someone given them your delusional thoughts

the way I was brought up in this is penny coast to coast to paper all the time

if I break a shoe lace and I get free that so be it I turned to god first for everything but what about the thing that's nagging me what am I going to do about that

I've heard people show well I stop often if I'm in the supermarket and I get angry I turned to the personal line and show my inventory with them

I don't think it how did you

how do you represent all call synonymous about life first of all

and how do you dump your date on some poor innocent person

back in the fish separate talks about whether a minister or priest that we share our inventory with someone who may understand what we're doing

and by the time we get I get to step ten ship might be a good enough place with my god but if there's no one to talk to I can wait till later on

and then talk to someone that I'm awake enough that I can live my gun to license don't my sponsor with someone who's going on the stand that's the way I was brought up in and that's what I do I put pen to paper to some questions they asked us to consider you know ten steps and I answer those questions when I write my columns with my inventory

I write when I have an opportunity throughout the day

when I look at step ten I'm really reviewing steps four through nine all right

I have a list I'm discussing with someone I'm looking at my fourth column which you really my defects that are getting in the way in fact if you ideal situation if I was to erase all my fourth column stuff

I probably wouldn't have a second conquer wouldn't be angry with that person

what am I gonna do about that when it does arise it put pen to paper

I have experience is doing a day when I'm working and my job is not to steal from my employer and tell my boss I have to write so you have to excuse me I'm not supposed to be doing that

what about when I'm on lunch and something disturbing me at nine AM do I wait till eleven o'clock at night to write I don't that's what I do

when I have an opportunity I put pen to paper and right after I turned to my god

a father direct my thoughts to his what's going on with me pen to paper and then I'll ring up someone and say his get some time from Tory we'll call it my sponsor and this is what's going on I'll share something I was up I had the opportunity go to Cornell university of all places they send me to Cornell University to interview students I look at what these kids are doing with their lives in in college and I'm I'm blown away by it because I think of where I was at their age I mean does it always feeling intimidated showing up and I really school image interview these kids and is very prominent university can I show up and

and so I'm set on their Tuesday and I'm starting to get a little bit overwhelmed about what's going to take place on Wednesday and I have to meet some of the faculty and here comes fear

the books is feeling to be close with stealing

what am I gonna do about fear I have no reason would feel but I still I'm still putting it on paper and so I turned and I make some prints made some prep time and got some meditation time and I rolled up my inventory and then what I did was I called my sponsor

he called me back and we sat down and we discussed my inventory

one of the words they use in the in the in our book is continue to watch for selfishness dishonesty resentment or fear whenever I put pen to paper I watch me across paper

and I realize that some of the hours I've squandered in resentment or fear will fuel for what

because when I put pen to paper and I see myself going across paper to discuss it with someone doesn't seem so so significant so significant or at least I can get some good feedback on how to move through this

I was shown with ten step inventories this is one of the tools I was given

sometimes I'm going to attend a party for family functions

and I got few kicking up ready and I'm I'm I'm out there I'm not in the moment I'm out there when it used to happen very often I would get to the place if you would stop running the show I say inappropriate things talking to just be quiet be quiet when I'm supposed to be talking and I really be in the shell and not have the freedom to pack into the mainstream then I was told well want you take a look after making some print one you take a look at what's going on with you on paper before you get to this place

I would go to a family function so will local Joe's gonna get drunk again and I know he's going to ruin the party I'm gonna place resentment with his kind of even get there yet

do I show up in a place of resentment and then try to pack into the mainstream I could never pull it off and so what some of the things I do is put pen to paper before I get to a place I'm able to get free during my day when I'm putting pen to paper another experience I've had is it says about you see where we can be helpful in our ten step

I really Tory on a personal reason was resentful at and find mice found myself being helpful to them asking how I can be helpful

because I was able to get free of whatever was plaguing me about that person I started my my current job about two years ago and it was a gentleman on the job was giving me what I thought was a very difficult time from my first day

and I sought to become intimidated by him I would seem like I start to stutter ivy league graduate and I never went to college he knows the business really well and I was the new kid on the block and you know what I was able to do

turn to god right inventory and ask him how I can be helpful

I was able to walk shoulder to shoulder with this guy with a little bit of dignity well he and I were up at Cornell the past couple of days and I have a working relationship with this guy compared to a place of being in total fear whenever he would show up no longer intimidated by I'm certainly not arrogant about it but I'm able to stand shoulder to shoulder with someone

I see what's plaguing me self shows up over and over and over again my mind gets attached to things like I'm less than I'm better than my mind gets attached to pry my mind gets attached to ego the voice of stock going on in my head you know chatter of a thousand voices each one housing having its own agenda pulling me in eighteen different directions

and you know what they are doing magnets the magnets for me to hear things that are not good for me so I can get attached to and then believe them they become part of my belief system and I can't even get out of bed in the morning when that happens it happens that fast

inventory has erased a lot of action turning to god has raised a lot of that that's how free do you want to get

what do I walk around the block you know the wage that that had to be ripped out so I can stand what

with my god with nothing between us is dying to get back in there and blocked me once again our goals are subtle fall

if I wrestle me look my lotion headed for trouble a book is really clear about that very strong warnings

so I've heard people say well

sitting with a guy the other ninety so I don't write that off and I turn it over boy do I have a problem with that saying I turn it over I don't really write unless something's really bothering me my question was well how do you know if you're getting free

are you convincing yourself you don't need to write the is the illness convincing you you don't need to write how do you know when you're in the illness or not if I'm not sitting down say listen I need to talk about some inventory with you

the book tells me every day is a day must carry a vision of god's will to all my activities

if I am blocked I'm gonna have a really hard time doing that you know why because I'm full of self

I need to be rid of self rid of self in order to be part of the packing to make sure in order to be free if I'm not writing in the Tory my experiences been and I'm not trying to my god if I'm not discussing it with someone now if not if I'm not trying to be helpful to others I'm blocked

and how helpful can I be to someone if I am blocked inventory is one of the ways I stay free

step ten talks about being restored to sanity which is a great promise because step ten were at six sorry has been returned in step two to talk about being restored to sanity we make a decision three take some action four through nine step ten tells me salaries been restored

I'm no longer and this I share from my own experience obsessing on alcohol I've been able to go through some choice real choice and Alcoholics Anonymous right in here and out there

not once in my mind say let's celebrate pick up a drink about this you know you've arrived

I've gone through some things out really what Perot won't worry pleasant at all and not once in my mind say we need to escape and get away let's go drink because this place don't work

some of the things that I'm able to get some courage to overcome from a loving god and staying clear on on what I'm doing I'll share with you

I was a longshoreman for twenty three years and I I lose my job

I have a house I'm trying to maintain normal expenses and trying to be a husband to my to my wife

and I saw my my savings account bleed to death in front of me and there was nothing left and I and I couldn't get work and I was really wondering what's going on

the room sometimes sleepless nights

and my sponsor at the time had me do some financial inventory

I see where I was with my god

and I did lots of inventory and start to get free

what is still my financial situation was getting worse

I turned to god one day after doing a whole bunch of inventory in and getting off the phone my sponsor and I says I I don't even know what you have for me anymore

just save me from me again and it was some different words that I use but that was pretty much what I said save me from me show me what to do I don't know what to do anymore

god putting people in my life and I was sponsoring a people

and I don't know where they came from or how was capable of doing it but I had eight newcomers who never been through this book before coming to my house call me on the phone and I walk these guys through this work

I was out there looking for work in acquiring but to see to get me out of my own way god put these people in my life I was not consume itself I was giving away but I kept running inventory and turn to god discussing with someone the door was being knocked on my phone was ringing the bell doorbell was ringing in the new comes eight people at one time now

maybe some of us some you guys out there that's not a big deal

to work with a few people in one shot was a lot for me

I I got great had a show you

I don't know what was going on at the time I just always giving myself to others what all I can okay like I always do the continuing to write inventory and some of those guys shifted off after a while but coming out on the other side and I was back with a new job I saw once again how when I thought god was not there again walk me through this stuff if I was not clear I can never hear man found in this discipline there's a whole lot of freedom

and before you know I I continue we get into our eleven step someone I heard in Minnesota give a talk on time he said something like

we need to go in turn into our god in order to go out

because if we don't go in we can't go out but if we going too long we better look out and out what he meant what he meant by that was

sometimes we can get into worshipping the methodology of what we're doing

have become so tight with it

and we never let the spirit move we never let the spirit move us why didn't dot com this site across the city so I'm doing it wrong it's about getting right with god and when the spirit moves and getting free

a friend of mine said he was a meditation one time

any sitting in meditation his wife calling from upstairs and she's calling to helping helping with something and she kept calling but he was a meditation and yelled out something like god dammit I'm meditating leave me alone

any told me as soon as he said that he realized what he was doing

you know I heard you say that we could do eleven step ourselves right out of Alcoholics Anonymous we think we're worshipping our god and we following directions are always really are is full of self again I've experienced that

I've gotten so tight on rules and regulations and hats I had to dedicate so much time to premeditation and I don't want to minimize that time is precious I do a lot of print I do a lot of meditation I do a lot of writing but one of my doing after that in my state of obsession like I have to help my wife and she's taken away from my prep time or my helping us

I mean many times okay I get up really early in one sometimes my wife is up really also

if she's walking with a basket of laundry voice who will you your on your on your own because I gotta go right now

that's not what I do that's not what we're supposed to do

the spiritual life is not a theory we have to live it what am I doing

how my helping others

premeditation I've had I've been I really feel blessed to have had some really neat experiences in meditation and there's a whole lot of people that I could thank for that they gave me clear instructions and those clear instructions were

very gentle when it came to meditation a lot of the books I read about meditation don't say you go from point a to point B.

meditation is a very personal thing I have found out there's some guidelines some helpful tools to use with meditation what is it really about my meditation

for me at the very beginning when I sat down and tried to meditate to minutes seem like two hours I was crawling up a wall and all I could hear was make

if I wasn't listening to me I would hear a dog barking in the backyard of the siren going down the block I was all over the place and I says I'm failing

and I learned in doing I'm succeeding

it's in not doing that I'm falling short in doing I succeeded I would start with two minutes of meditation and I would sit there and then I would increase that was just trying to get still a little by slowly I got still

I've been able to do meditation now

a book talks about we've developed a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty

back in how it works instead of ten they talked about developing this manner of living I forget the exact words just becomes at all or is it a way of life it becomes how I live today it isn't like an occasional thing well you know what maybe today I meditate it's what I do is what I move to do

why meditations for the most part come after prayer in the morning and I don't worship might again my methodology to morning I do what god moves me to do

this time as well read three or four books in the morning

and then do my premeditation this time but I don't read anything into my premeditation

currently I'm working on a book called for grievance I'm working with another page I read every morning from something called the upper room

great information for me I would have to take some of those thoughts and practices into meditation and just sit with them

just be I have to do anything just be