Steps 3, 4 and 5 at the Carry This Message Group in West Orange, NY

I'd like to now introduce our guest speaker for the month of October speaking on steps three four and five

Peter from Brooklyn

so

hi everybody appeared on an alcoholic

and great to be alive and so right a meeting and it must be something on my name she laughs every time she says my name

I'm gonna get to a desert there's a connection with that I don't know I was getting dressed tonight I'm saying well maybe she were shortened time the weather was kinda lousy so I wore what I wore when I walked in three guys gave me the best phone call the only impression is the

one guy asked me if I'm in the cast of the sopranos

except for Chris Froome said don't you look lovely tonight

so taking my cigars back after the meeting

let's all go home change will start all over again

I'm grateful to be alive and sober and at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and once again thank you Michael for asking down here tonight to share with this group and really I am grateful for what you guys doing here week after week after week one of my big book tells me to our creative fellowship you Craven after many many

battles you know how business meetings are are trying to get hammered out a policy if you say you love everybody now cooks and I'm sure I've been to enough business meetings yet but there's a few group members Bob and Lisa from free spirit here tonight and we've been trying to get something going out my group and friend of mine how would she says you one man with a book on the retirement and go follow your quiet voice and so what we started at my home group and this is not a plug for my home group this is just to show some gratitude we started an open speaker meeting where speakers come in and do the meeting on this story and what it was like after giving themselves to this simple program and Howard was there last night of last week and we had a really great turn out and we had another German wall last night and it was standing room only and it's it's a message just putting out there my hope is that someone who's looking for a solution will find it as free spirit and I'm just so grateful to be a part of my home group again I'm excited about my home group again someone I I suffer from back pain and someone was saying they read an article where lower back pain has to do with this in a rage and I says you know I've been a member of my group for fourteen years what do you expect

I can

but I'm excited about being a part of my home group again and it's it's really good thank the good lord create this fellowship you crave once again my big book didn't lie to me

since I came to a close and honest I don't know why but I've been moved to seek the fellowship by Craig I chase this message all over from here in Jersey to queens to haul them wherever I may go up state I was taken I would go on my own I take because trains are about to do to find this message to be in the solution and visit our sort of spots an awful synonymous but I I I I've been seeking the fellowship by Craig and I'm so very grateful that something has happened within my home group

I don't know why but

that's what I was moved to do and what I have found out is I need to have an experience new experiences all the time the experience I had when I got here may not be sufficient now to keep reading enter recovered place I need to continue to seek new experiences what I've also found out is you know my belief in god and have an experience we gotta sometimes to different neighborhoods

I was told early on the longest distance in a world from my head to my heart it's kind of like well I but you know I believe in god but Mike and I have an experience with him and I've been able to do that

I've been able to do that I continue to grow in understanding and effectiveness and I have seen very recently the importance of staying current in this work seeking new experiences we continue to grow this is been really got me excited all over again about what I'm trying to do the work of god has allowed me to do a day at a time I got here in nineteen eighty eight got separated me from uncle June twenty third nineteen eighty eight and I stand here tonight is recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous say no longer suffer from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body I've been set free because of the information I've had experience with in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous from some very wonderful teachers that would put in my life put in my path I shared last week that anytime I picked friends

they usually were as bad as me or worse

you know and the ones who I tell worse to me I felt better than until I hit their level Eunice's I'm in trouble again and I go look for new new new friends to hang out with and it was just repeated over and over again I walked in here June twenty third nineteen eighty eight broken and levels at the hands of alcoholism and here I was begging for a drink before I got here and I show up and I'm begging for a solution and how that happened I don't know I have to say it was gone

and then I kept seeking this information I was living in Minnesota for a while I would go to a lot of meetings of people that told me that I was suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience with Congress I tried many other ways to recover never worked until I was presented with the messaging big book Alcoholics Anonymous I'm like a very willing student because apple beat me to price place of reasonableness a very willing student I follow directions

and you know what I found out now I mean the machine is

a very very point I don't want to minimize them what I found out is I'm not to worship this methodology it's about what kind of experience to my having with the information in this book I've been to many meetings where I've seen people recite this book forwards and backwards I mean get into the steps to a point where I mean I was at a conference one time and I looked at a friend I says I don't know I need to calculus degree to recover

where is the spirit of this

I've been to many places where I've heard people say just put the plug in the jug and I'm saying but I was taken out of the chalk dissing working

I'm very grateful for Mrs that was presented to me what people told me I need to have an experience this book is only experiences book I will experience my god of my understanding this was great news to me who suffered from alcoholism when I got here in June nineteen eighty eight are you listen to some of the information and this may work for some I'm not here to tell me when you're doing it right or wrong that's that's not my thing

but I I was following some of the Russian and that was don't drink and go to meetings I was completely out of my mind I was running around in Alcoholics Anonymous untreated

suffering from this illness and behaving in ways that you know I think about it now I cringe and going to meetings to raise my hand I'm saying I'm so over this long I had a good day excited pick up a drink and I just Tom thirty people before I got there that's not the way to live that will that will catch up to me and get me drunk because apple's a subtle fall it'll lay in wait the lay in wait and that's exactly who's doing because December twenty second nineteen eighty eight what happened to me was the hot dog the Christmas holidays were were about to happen and I'm living in Minnesota and the girl I was having this kind of relationship with told me I shouldn't want to have this relationship with me anymore I was running around and treated on the pitch

in here without my own solution was horrific and what I want to do more deals in the world to pick up a drink again because I knew that was gonna take me to a place of peace and comfort I hope

and little by slowly I was blocking out that incomprehensible demoralization I was waiting

being here is separate from Marvel doesn't mean I'm a mute the alcohol a special amount put out in their experience and I showed up with this man's house and I shared with him my dramas a life and he asked me where was what got in the twelve steps and I assume when you start the steps he says when you start throwing up you only need to start me on this this question of alcoholism

but I and I shared this I I believe I should this last week how as much as he disturb me and some of these wonderful people in Minnesota to start me I knew they were giving me a truth because they were very sure about they were doing and all I have to see with my own eyes how they were living their life

you know they would take me to the diner after the meeting and shoot the breeze at the time that they didn't shoot the breeze in here

they talked about their boss in their problems at home there they talked about a solution here we talked about a problem and a solution here and I saw how these people live outside of this hour that we need and that convinced me more than anything

but these people on a different footing get their roots grass new soil

and that convinced me nice I want what they have to offer I will do anything to get in I was a willing student and I'm really I don't give the slip service might might all calls and took me to being locked up too many times of being homeless too long living in the street you know sleeping in hallways doing horrific things now that's my story and it's the worst story the whole world because I lived it but you don't have to go to that level your story wherever it may be park Avenue park benches that were still in the whole world because it's your story but that's where my illness took me to I stand here tonight very grateful that it took me to that place I'll probably never survive it if god forbid I I was to go back out again god forbid I probably never survive it but here tonight I'm grateful because it put me in a place of fourteen years later I'm still willing ten night as I speak willing to go to any lengths to continue to stay recovered and seek new experiences what I have found out here is this

we recover

we have a sponsor hopefully that sponsor has a sponsor we start to work with people we go to meetings were asked to speak the wife lets us back in the bedroom you know we get jobs I noticed one woman come around to get manicures and hairdos and guys get new sneakers that seems to be the thing

you know it you know right away what's going on with that stuff you know and things start to get like nice things start to get comfortable manageable and when I found out here is things start to get manageable I need to be careful that I'm not afraid to comfort ability of if that makes any sense because a book warns us about resting on our laurels were headed for trouble if we do everything starts to get manageable and dealing this tells me well you can relax a little bit now you don't have to continue to seek you can kind of kick back and say when I went through the steps you know what tell the prospects make sure your home right inventory tonight while you're watching like episodes of Seinfeld or something and you're not writing

and we can be we become a prey to comfort ability I experienced some of that

what's waiting for me he's a wrestling discontented driven by fear kind of feeling page fifty two and I'm experiencing page fifty two I'm walking right into a suddenly and then I get drunk and say okay how did this happen

how did this happen

so I'm really grateful that I'm I'm in this place of willing to see this information

my first a tells me

about the allergy the phenomena craving that whenever I drank alcohol the alcohol the craving was always intensified never satisfied in part part of my own manage ability was not even knowing when I was going to pick up there's a story in a book out a cloud on the horizon I've had many days but it wasn't didn't appear to be a cloud on the horizon I got drunk there were many days when my wife for news at a time and I had to drink then I reached a place where no matter what was going on my body screen for alcohol

because I would become finally ill if I didn't

I got the mental obsession and his spiritual malady talk about a book talks about conceding to my animal cell phone I had done that on the street when I was living in hallways and going off into rehab after rehab I conceded

and that's a spiritual thing I think when that happens when we hit that placed deep down here when no one has to point fingers at us and tell us Hey you have a problem we know it that's a spiritual thing that was my experience

and that was part of my first step and I I came in here and I got some information sought to have an experienced this information and I was brought to the edge of a cliff one might say

and what do I do now and they gave me step two which for me has been my solution to this whole thing was going to be a place that was going to get to work out of my understanding was gonna restore me Peter merrily to sanity which meant I was gonna give all given a whole not new mind by this experience with the spirit and awakening of the spirit my mind was no longer going to pump me with let's go drink

regardless of the consequences the day before I was going to be brought to that place and food for me at the beginning it was G. O. D. group of drunk scrolling direction I would come in here and feel power and safety in these numbers and that was good enough

my own conception of Monaghan how inadequate was sufficient my book tells me that

my book tells me where how and why to find this higher power the chastity gnostics and with it just set me up to turn this whole thing it is loving and caring god this great reality deep down within that I was praying to it was kind of thinking out there but I would pray

I didn't know that was there before my heart took its first B. O. B. that wanted beats its last B. to Pete's here forever

I just had to get access to and I was blocked

by climbing the worship of other things you name it somewhere I was separated from this whole I think it was like when I was about fourteen but I'm not sure but somewhere I got separated I picked up a drink and all bets were off

what book tells me why

and how does it was the latest side project please cite old ideas because coming here some of my conceptions of gods one very nice ones

kind of thought he was out there when my mom was taken from me when I was fourteen there was something that went on that well where are you god my mom would take down the Catholic my mom would take me to church she taught me how to pray say my prayers at night give me good good rules good information to live and then she dies at the hands of this thing called uncles and I kick back in I think somewhere my minuses well what's this about I don't know about you guys and I think our separate ways and my book is tell me just we beg you

they back us well I would do is lay aside prejudice and you know what you know how that happened not anything on my own they serve all I'm gonna commit to AA only slight prejudice to seek an experience with this power

what happened to me was this I suffer from alcoholism I was dying when I got here and I was willing to go to any lengths one of those questions my sponsor aunts asked me when we started this was are you want to go to wants to recover well sure it was based on my my my experience if you will having a first step getting this

and so I saw my solution was into and we show up I showed up to step three

and I'm going to share this started happened to me in my seventeen god willing less we have

I get there by way of a dying of alcoholism

and you know what we want got enough in the circumstances makers willing we will we will seek this power at all costs and I was laying in his rehab was a Sunday night and I remember there was a doctor on call that made his rounds and I'm screaming my body screaming in pain I'm going through all kinds of which rose alcoholism alcohol and some other things I was taking and you know that only the physical pain but what was going on in here was I did it again look what I did to my family I'm unemployable I haven't had a job in so long look at my life it just came screaming back to me and I was in this rehab clinic but it was just it was killing me I was being I was in a vise grip in which is squeezing with no mercy as I want to die would bill says he wants to jump through his window session I can totally identify with that who was screaming so much so just to get out of this and we just jumped through the window I was two floors up I don't know what I would've done by

but I want you know it's just I want to go through window the pain was horrific on the physical tortures experience and was another thing altogether

I remember pleading are to these nurses on duty please get the doctor here I need medication I need something because I'm not getting I'm not getting through this night I know me and I'm not getting through this and I'm gonna do something really back to myself

get a doctor and they told me the doctor made his rounds and we're going to have to get in touch with him and it may be some time wanted to go back to your room relaxing I was at my wit's end and

I remember

laying on this bed and kind of like rolled up into a ball and rocking and I couldn't stop the tears of you know I was missing my family and this physical pain and induce desperation I remember getting off the bed and hitting my knees like a bag described in the hallway to get to save my life that same guy member backing father please help me it's as simple as I can make my press just help me because it was coming down on me from all angles and you know exactly I'm talking about when you've been

I was coming down on me from all places Jack's father please help me

what happened to me was I got up into bed and I woke up the next morning

that's all I remember the next day wasn't a great day but it was better than that night that long long dark night

what I have found is when I have gone through stuff I didn't know that well god work last night when I even currently

when I'm going through stuff and I'm turning to this power

somehow I get through and it's not until I'm through and on the other side and I look back and I said you know something you don't think footprints what is one set of footprints you seeing god you left me you look back you realize god had you created with us on the whole time it's when I get on the other side I realize that this loving caring god was walking me through another drummer of my life that I took I can never get through that's what happened to me this we have this happen to me many times in here

I remember that when I showed up to this third step with my sponsor there was some considerations I have to make it trust me you know a books is almost none of us like to soul searching leveling a pry confession shortcomings I almost embrace that because it had to be better than what I left off on

you know looking for another bottle of blackberry brandy to wash the night away in a fight and I was going to get really ill so when I was given this information okay I'm a willing student I'll do it

I show up to the stage that the my sponsor had me take a look as we went through page fifty eight into the next page what was I convinced that I'm gonna call my license manageable will surely

and I'm certainly willing to do anything you know god could one of he was sought sure

no human power to relieve me of my uncles and I don't know too much about that but I was certainly willing to do that I was convinced that my life on self will can hardly be a success my sponsor aspen all had to do was remember how what brought me in here

you know the wrinkles one out of my belly I was able to go to any lengths I remembered what it was like I was very clear to me what my sponsor had me to do is I took took a look at the third step prayer and when he asked me to do was to write out the third step prep work forward and underneath it right out my own touch the pram

interpreters press

I never saw the spread before what is practically mean and I wrote out what this friend meant to me and that became my predator separate became my craft so when I said it it was a prayer for me it wasn't some words on the page it was stressed to me and I'll probably stress it a few times and I have an experience with this info information and not just reading recited

I remember writing out what this premise anyway my sponsor had me hold his hands one day he so you want to continue with this and he held my hands we did a third step pray together

it was something that went on with this that were really I look back on it now was what I was moved by this power to continue to write this what's that

I took a look where my life went on self will could hardly be a success and I was I was shown how just bite but despite it taking a look at my first step experience everything I try to do my life always never ever worked and every time I try to do something that was a drink behind a row before

and so when I showed up here I was willing

I did my church the pram my sponsor didn't give me information I was going to

you need a really good third step

well well let's hold onto this until you get your life together because there's a lot of stuff going on there will do a fourth step he was in the business of killing me he was in the business of saving my life

and after my third step prayer diesel books is next we launched on the course of vigorous action which means right now not later next means now

my book tells me that this that this decision could have permanent effect if I follow the rest of the ructions this decision is not just for now he could have a permanent effect and I was to experience that down the road

sixty three gives me some wonderful promises

that experience many times if I kept close to discard you give me what I need if I performers work well I show I was shown at that was a promise if I did it in a warning if I didn't

what was I doing

I tell new come as you want to work the third step we talk about turning over letting go and letting god well all these wonderful slogans that went out any information that just words for me

you want to work a third step put pen to paper in stock step four

and so that's what I did and I began my four seven I have some experiences with for I I I I think it's important to share with you I was living in this apartment my first apartment and what was in it was twenties futons was my bad that's all I can afford at the time people in AA to carry me they gave me on a TV a black and white TV because I could afford when that broke someone I'll show up on another TV I'm in my doorway had all these a a bumper stickers on the door you know they kept me safe I don't know I had I had of something that represented my higher power above the door I had a coffee pot I had a phone end of my first night in this apartment there was nothing on the windows I had no she's actually the first time it was nothing in the place yes I was in there sober part of this fellowship when I was in paradise

once I start to get like a little bad and and and and but TV and radio this was this was great stuff and I was in this apartment and I'm writing my fourth step and this is what happened to me I should've put willing to go to any lines and I remember starting to write I would say this

I should eat before I write because it's gonna be a long night and so I would eat

and then I would do well

I should eat I got to digest my food so should watch a little bit of TV some eating watching TV then I'm going to go right and maybe I should clean the place up because I'm in a I'm supposed to look good I'm supposed to live good so let me eat watch TV clean the place I never wrote

I would hit penned put pen to paper and then I would say well my spots doesn't need to know this and that wasn't that important and this is what happened to me I start to get sick quick

she already the road was narrow what I've experienced in ten eleven twelve the road has narrowed

and in this discipline is a whole lot of freedom I didn't know it and I just knew I was getting sick it was happening quick and I share this dilemma with my sponsor not clean up the language a little bit but he reminded me about going to any lengths that I had no power to be searching feel some more

I had power to do a lot of other things

but not to be rigorously honest with this work

it did yeah I could do it on my own and so what I have to do is hit my knees and asked my heavenly father for the power to be searching for some morals the right to write this work to get right with him to get free and I wrote a prayer across the top of the page and you know what I started to write I did my first column it talks about resentment fear and section Tory institutions and principles you know water nor I can't go through with it and got moving right through it

and I wrote my first column in which all these names I'm understanding what my mom and my dad and my kid brothers and then I was coming across names I'm writing names name after name and I remember calling my sponsor and saying I have names on this list that make no sense

you know some amazing came because I I I got an idea why am I angry with this person

you know point of fearful with this person but some names showed up and I had no idea why am I sponsor gave me great information he says do not deny the spirit god's in charge your life not you just continue writing and so I would continue to write there were people on might I'm in this first column that I didn't even know their name I would write a description of the person they want they to me I'm not supposed to be arrogant to say well I don't know their names are not going on a list I made a description of put it put it down

com two was gonna show up and tell me why why I was angry with them and that was in god's time not my time as I was writing and I finished his first column I got all these names and I remember the first name on my list was my mom

and the other thing that came to me was how can I resent with my mom she's not even alive she suffered at the hands of uncles and I felt like this disloyal ungrateful son and I got well the pollution motion I went to call my sponsor and he was telling me that if I prayed and went to this power and follow directions first off my four step is perfect in spirit

the other thing he told me that going through the stuff was not supposed to be a cake walk county was gonna disturb me on some things if you if your fourth step I have found is a cake walk maybe not really doing it

I'm not writing this wonderful little autobiography about me and I'm not writing I'm not listing all the good things I did you hear that sometimes will make sure you list all your your assets those things will not get me drunk

god knows the time I helped a little lady across the street

dining getting me drunk unless I start running around telling everybody that the good deeds I could

then if we're in a different different place but it's about listing these things that were blocking me to my books is I had to face for the very first time face hold a mirror up to me and not you and be rid of

that's an order that's some work vision few talks about patience willingness in labor laborers work and that's what some of this required and it was on god's power is able to do this so I remember speaking with my sponsor and I and I rode out the stuff having to do with my mom and I wrote I wrote about my dad and I went through my entire life

my footstep wasn't until my went back to my first drink my book is really clear we went back through all life's and we listed

people institutions principles

mmhm wrangler and why so when when I went as far back as I can remember I cannot believe what came to me and I hit my second column and those people that I weren't too sure about stuff showed up

and it may seem trivial trivial if I share with you but it was there none the less it was a reason why it was there

MMI moves into my third column and it talks about some areas of my life person relationships self esteem

Mike my current sponsor told me when I'm listing self esteem I'm fighting for my life at that point this is what my self worth is on the line here

my security my ambition my pocketbook my sex relations all the stuff was listed this was thorough work that god moved me to do but instructions in this book come to this fourth column

suddenly you know

rubber hits the road here I mean did the first three columns required some work but when you talk about face and be rid of this is Ron facing me for the first time I'm seeing all the manifestations of self see doctors state that there's the promise I talked about which says they're gonna provide us what we need if we kept close to him and perform this work well is a piece that says less and less I became interested in my little plans and designs and more more than what I can contribute to life the reason why that's happening because self was starting to die that's one of the promises it's about that the cell for successful living and that's what I saw me self in the fourth column and all the manifestations of it my book talks about driven by a hundred forms a few self pity self seeking and on and on and on self across the board

I read something recently and I'm going to do an injustice to a but I I try to do the best with this

he talks about how this all right and self

and are you is what you see here wrapped around the spirit

this great reality this distance god spirit that each one of us have

self the best way to put it is the trouble maker

and when he shows up and how I don't know but he does and self is the one that wants things on his terms in his time and none of it's good for me

and that's what I had to be rid of that was some of the stuff that was going to block me from this from this power

because when I found out is that this spirit those

I've used the term that I've got six spiritually what I meant without by what my life was sick what I have found that is the spirit if it is god does not get sick what happens to me is I become block from it and I get sick

and this is the stuff from column for that was keeping me dead spiritually dead and living for the next round and I have to be free of that at all costs

I remember going through some of the institutions that I have to write down and yeah I had I had major problems with the medical community should have saved my mom had major problems with the religious community patient of save my mom

institutions

I had I had things that attached to my fourth step that I can not believe was putting being put on paper yet there what's

my idea is did not work to god I did did in a lot of stuff was my ideas and when I had to do was be separated from the stuff

I would choose worker recently some current work and I shared last week how I was

here of ten eleven and twelve forever

and I gotta be honest with you I was I I was in a

what I would say that end up in a good place

what's certain certain things start to happen to me like I was starting to experience some areas of agnosticism in my life I was starting to rely on me rather than god because little by slowly I sought to put god in a box which means I mean self which means I'm in fear and I'm running my own life my stock to manage my own life and I'm in trouble again I suppose it may be as small as it may be at that moment I'm running the show and I'm headed for trouble and I start to experience someone comfortable and I went to this work again and particles whose work again was my sponsor had me say this thing called a lay aside press now I shared with him my problems with this prayer because as a group that told that would tell me if you go to the book you gotta do lay aside premises where just print book

well it's a little piece in one piece as well so was on a book that shows have made a prayer and I had a lot of contempt prior to investigation about this press

and I refused to even deal with it that's why I was with the spread

and I and I spoke to my my my current sponsor about my dilemma with this city F. I given this big explanation you know he did he left over the phone

and he he shared with me what the weather **** from and what it's about and all I was doing was just setting aside laying aside my old ideas my old attachments

my attachments became my god at one point

we talked about the book talks about being rocketed into a fourth dimension and he told me how my life was dominated by three obsessions compulsions and emotions that stuff was taking me to page fifty two and he showed me how I'm starting to kind of lean in that direction what do you want to do

and how to get free and he shared with me what this prayer was about at all I was doing see I was on the impression that I was telling god this what you gave me for last fourteen years is not good enough so I need something new and I feel really arrogant and ungrateful about that

so he tells me so the words god is judging you

you know you talk to sponsor you're prepared to give all the right answers because you want to be a star pupil and then he just talks to you and the truth comes out and you catch yourself and that's what happened to me

and I said yes

I'm judging my god so you just limited god didn't use what he told me and I realized this was a this was a tough pill to swallow because I'm saying fourteen years in a I should not be doing this and I was doing it I was limiting my got my the power of my god right now it's simple statement and all I had to do was understand that no matter what I do Mike I was gonna Love Me unconditionally like any parent who loves his child when a kid makes a mistake we don't banishment to devil's island for Christ's sake you know we teach men we hold on

my god was gonna Love Me regardless

and all I had to do

I was given a great analogy I have all these books on the shelf and I get new books but I want to read I just push the other books aside to make room for new ones was that simple I was laying aside some old ideas and eventually letting go of some old attachments that I was were worshipping for new experience to continue to grow in understanding and effectiveness this was vital and again once again I was gonna experience of death the self

successful living daily die

are ya was given his work our current footsteps I always thought you go to work again I gotta start from day one is normally look currently where you are right now

right now

and my sponsor share with me it's it's not that your life is in the toilet but there's certain things going on that we can address and I was given this area did the seventeen different areas I went through

and in those each each of those areas were were broken down into into other departments if you will compartments and I was listing all of this stuff

I once again I had to pray to my god for allowing me to do this and I wrote and as I'm writing some things I knew financial finances are in order

I have legit reasons for but they still learn in order to some other areas of my life that were just a little uncomfortable with and what

stuff

when I was five and six years old when I was eight and ten years old and I got on the phone and I asked him I said what's this about keep writing

it's supposed to show up just keep writing and so I wrote and I got done with this stuff just to speed up a little bit something was given to me again I have contempt to investigation multiple fish that multiple sharing options well you know when the book does it say that and he gave me some information and I sat down with Mike actually and I was scared to death going to his house like the first time I did a few stuff I was scared to death is not going to lotus stuff but I made a prayer and I was going to go in once and I showed up we talked a bit my reveal some of the stuff