Steps 10, 11 & 12 at the Carry This Message group's first annual Fall Retreat in West Orange, NJ

good afternoon ladies and gentlemen Tom Flynn alcoholic

we're going to start the session again with the serenity prayer thanks they issued a joint replacement

god

his strategy to accept the things I cannot change

courage to change things a chance

and it was from the other difference they'll give you Dave

that

I'm Dave does have an alcoholic I dating for Thursday at ten I had somebody just asked me if I would expand upon I commented sort by time and I've alluded to it is that often not being hard on ourselves as a as a form of ego

and now the one I kind of got me on this and I any and it

I kind of remember the conversation the first time it came up and at the time I was in I was in college and and he is an example of

of an exam with me and he said

did you ever take

take an exam and and you get a you get a you know ninety two or ninety three or something on it you're really mad that you didn't do better

and I said yes I said that you know that happens to me a lot you know that that I'll I'll I'll do lo a work and I and I kind of beat myself up because I didn't get the last part of that one question that I really knew the answer to at night and I would had a ninety eight

any any said that you know

usually he said as if if you're like most classy set a class averages probably somewhere around seventy five minutes to get it done it's usually about right seventy five or so

it is very you're telling me this is you're doing ninety plus work and you know that you're pretty far above the average but that's not still good enough

he said now

tell me the name of an average student one of your class a friend Kim meetings about average usually thirty five eighty pretty much in the car worker but he's not not not real real bright but he's a hard worker and he usually does about average work you said Dr

asked him or come up to me and say you got a ninety two an exam what would you say about a book that was really good for tenth

you know

it says to really what you're saying is that

no it's not so much about what you can what someone gets on the van is about what you get on the

wait right yeah it's great it can doesn't get to ninety two and may I get a night going there because I think a little bit better temple to shepherd him there some clearly wrong there

I can project that thinking and out off and on

guy I sponsor somebody that I know going through a rough time at the demolition that impatiently to on and I've got a couple years of sobriety and they're having problems you know at work where they're not showing up on time or they're they're you know between employer out of a little bit time or take a vacation I really don't deserve

you know and and I sit there and listen to augment well you know don't be so hard on yourself you know stop doing it and

you know to stop doing it and try to make up some of the time and I'll leave it at that

but you let me scan an hour or two off

and I do I do I I you know if I make it up I'm still sort of beat myself up over the fact that I did it all

I'm not better

so I don't know if that helps any I don't know how to put it any better than that but I know for me that often because throughout my life I've always I've never wanted to be average

I always hated being average and I am quite truthfully if there's things that I do average I quit them if I can't be above average in some I don't want to do it

you know

and I sort of been the way

you know I've been traded that's either I mean that's the bottom line as well you could just not one time and I work we're talking a little bit early today and and at breakfast this morning and I said they're not I was telling him how I've kind of come to realize here recently I'm the kind of ordinary guy

and that way I certainly did not want to start off even in sobriety it be an ordinary guy I'm kind of an ordinary guy I've got you know a couple kids and you know I look at the guys that I work with and you know what our lives with an awful lot like you know there were all doing the same thing we're always working in the same Blazin pretty damn ordinary you know

and that's okay because I believe that in time you know I'm not the one he goes will play big enough but in time I have seen progress there where where little more okay to be to be average or just be one of the crowd even outbox nominee

okay just to be in the photo on the bus yeah or in the van

well we all came up in advance so that the coming of the like I was you know flashback good through from a treatment centers of the

they're on the ten step and and intense that were to continue to take personal inventory and when not if you're wrong

the probably admitted

I love in the big book you know there's there's there's I think about three pages committed to the tensed up and there's some really powerful powerful promises in there and one of my want to read you would

absolutely

absolutely floored me my signature on it and you know

for me that the ten step you know I guess someone and ask a question earlier about you continue for her not on a regular basis or do you just do cat and and you know I personally don't see a whole lot of difference because when I when I read the ten step there's a paragraph in here

I really see for three nine and in the ten steps so you know I'm I'm not here to take issue with how you'd like to do it

but I also talked in in the second step about

lack of sanity insanity and then a ten step is is is where we get sanity back and this is this is an amazing promise to me and when I look back in hindsight I still can't believe it that is true in my case and and it says here and we've seen flooding anything or anyone for even alcohol before by this time sandy will have returned we will seldom be interested in liquor if tempted tempted we recall from it as if it was a hot flames we react Steinle in normally and we will find that this is happen automatically

do you remember it was like to sleep with

minimalist like to have that mental battles early only maybe once I started doing the steps of this month and I don't know exactly when it left

but I could not mine the same drink drink drink drink any people coming up with all these excuses and schemes and I had had thank god god please let this stop

you know because I know it's my disease I knew I I recognize you know and I remember

first time went through the steps I done nine best my ability and Tom and I were going over ten and I and I told him I was really scared to death because that had happened

that I didn't feel like I was there yet where if I was tempted

be like that

okay yes story

about that when I do it it's not a very

flattering story of where I was at a time but

I was at a bar

and not because I was a little lonely

the single at the time

I would not dare third available I can promise you that

and curve in Israel that I going to high school with and and I'm glad I had always had a crush on its growing she which is just you know beautiful and I've gotten a chance to go out with her once drinking and I don't know what I did in the black out that night but the bottom line is that he very quickly got away from me after that night and

time time you know server all of that on there not quite a year maybe and I stopped by this my club it didn't try to see what's going on there and I'm

I stand there talking with one of my old friends and kind of scope and going out and and and here to go

and that she'd heard that you started I'm doing really good and you know that I believe

yeah slow down my drinking and and and you know she's so proud of me that did what he's done is that you know this beautiful blonde walked up to me and handed me you know just understand there she walked up and she puts in my hand

and ice cold well I

and I don't even great I kind of I kind of move and I'm like that I just like it was a hot lane you know

and it it kind of cool your friends I mean not only what is helpful but it was a beautiful woman with alcohol

talk about a double edged sword you know

I thought the disease of cunning baffling and powerful using her to get

what if it if it if it occurred to me you know

later on as I got home and I sort of appreciate the significance of that moment not that I'm saying that we should tempt fate

you know later on in and

in the book we we we find out that we can go to those places provided we have good reason to be there I'm not sure picking up women would return or not

but I but I there is there are times and

but to me that is an amazing promise to me that is one of the most amazing things about the ten step is is having that sanity returns and it seems to come effortlessly a really comes as a result of the one the first nine step

and that's been my experience

the other thing I like it here I will pull in something from twelve involved because I I really do you like it and I and I find it plays out a lot in my life you know in taking continuing to take my inventory is a spiritual axiom did you know whenever I'm disturbed

nobody no matter what the because the problem is

really with me with this

you know so again going back to the you know there is no justifiable resentment there is no justifiable anger just a dubious luxury of normal people so

you know so no matter what happens in my life

no matter what you know I went through a little career situation recently where when people said they did what

you know I don't work out okay and I can honestly say sort of I was kind of like okay

I have wanted to discuss and if your employer have if you've stayed there a lot of men they were gonna come you could use a man with your talents and we're no longer one of

it was all because I was looking at another job and part of this other job was the the little the government jobs little bit investigation that had to happen and included seeing my employer to make sure there wasn't any help in the closet and although I try to be very diplomatic and up front about it they were pretty check that I was looking for looking at the possibility of getting a job in a frankly told me that I would not have a job there much longer don't work out but the point is that

I could react if you waited a situation

no one I could of got my my lawyer wife to figure out how we're gonna still because they really can't do that the state of Maryland legally secondly I could have just sort of smiled and nodded at okay well I'm sorry you feel that way and I went about trying to be the best employee I can be for the remainder of my time there not really how I handled it with god's help in your health and it all worked out and I got the other job with a big deal but it's kind of a reminder to me of how things happen in life I can react

that way to go or you know somebody you know that they don't like my tie and I want to burn the house down you know which is the other reaction that I have even in sobriety from time to time when I'm not in good condition you know

that's fine for me that often with with my one year old who doesn't like to sleep

that I'm often sleep deprived and running when a couple hours to sleep in a very busy life and I find myself very irritable here recently what I've learned as I've learned to surgery okay you know

tired go to bed you know you know when I can and so for me I you know it again is it kind of hokey stuff but I I I use it because I can't be true you know the whole thing hungry angry lonely tired I mean as always I feel balance itself because

but there's something that I can honestly say from experience that you know Hey if I've got those things in my life I'm having a hard time usually being close to god

and often I find my reaction to life is not what I would like it to be you know there are times when I tell my wife look it's not you

I am just really curable and grumpy right now you know so if I come off that way it's just not you and I usually know I can usually identify pretty quickly and you know and then try to do what what you know what's appropriate you know if it's if I'm tired go to sleep you know go to bed at eight o'clock I was you know if I'm not feeling well physically you know go to the doctor you know take care of myself best I can in those areas and and if they're students or something if if it goes beyond that that is taking inventory let's see what I'm I'm not doing that I was doing before for the most part I can I can I can honestly say in the last twelve years I've I've heard people talk about going sort of through two periods where they they they become detached from out off and on and I can honestly say that it for the most part that really hasn't happened with me there's been times when I felt like I'm less present in a but I continue to do the mechanics until

until god and until the gratitude and until everything comes back

there's been times when I've been when I've been angry at at at people in a a personality to have threatened to to to to distance me from alcohol but but you're good sponsorship in prayer and and and through you know take an inventory able to look at my partner's thing you know what two years of sobriety I'll tell you one story about a situation like that

after about two years I started dating a girl that wasn't quite there per year and

and she she got drunk not long after that

and you know and I got it I got a chance to be on the other hand I was released I really was trying to please reference number and that you know a lot of we get bothered with with new people and I'm a stay from my experience I don't care if anybody off or not it's really not about the new person that we heard it's really about the person is trying to practice principal didn't destroy the hell out of that because the person bringing up that live by principles a lot of new people don't have a lot of for the lunar light so there's a double a sure why we don't get involved a new people it's not always about the ninety nine is that the people they're trying to live by principles

just my experience and and you know I got taken for a little bit of a ride and I signed up for the Santa did but she wound up he wound up with a guy that I knew when it

yeah that'll put a little bit stand in your shorts as

god it's been my friend and now bogged down as of now sleeping with my girlfriend

I prayed for her I pray for her to get drunk

because I welcome during all my little my little social scene on my you know my friend an alcoholic and non we were hanging

and so she was right in front of you the member my hunger

I had to take my inventory and

and if my god to help me with that

and and I prayed for a lot and after about nine months and cheating is wrong headed nerve not to get drunk

she does she did to me

and

after about nine months train and you know one day I just wouldn't matter anymore one day at a solar for their for who she was she said

and I saw my pardon is that I'd picked up

and the reason that I think you're working with because how she looked up because there she was I knew right away

and I continue to stay with the national

and what I could get

my side of myself which

and and shortly after I tried to make a mentor for my part

for myself

she got trapped in an interview

and you know so it just goes to show that even though in some situation now if I were to tell that story without the Appleton contacts just a friend of mine you know girlfriend going to trouble and she sleeps with a guided my friend David save for

you've got a perfect right to be lived

I mean what kind of friend you know that you know

Cenovus anonymous we don't get that luxury our inventory inventory is on

and I have to continue to take and I'm

you know says when it comes to ten you know it and it doesn't say if we're wrong within one run that means that we're going to be wrong

I am wrong frequently right you know I I don't do this thing well I like calm because I do it regular and I gotta live life and I screw up and screw up less than I used to and I don't screw up quite as bad but I got there and I screw up but what you are giving me is the ability to take a look and find out where I screwed up no make amends if I need it most the time you know workers on it goes on between my ears you know in times of **** up happens really in my in my mind that's sort of where the ten step seems to you know the battle for for for for my willing god willing my soul is really fought mostly between my ears nowadays

image of the character defects

don't really wind up getting out hurting people the way they used to it's usually more my thought

and so it seems like when it comes to the ten step off in the inventory is more about what goes on between my ears and in terms of in terms of trying to set right any wrongs if there are any are any wrongs that committed to others and then turning back at the prayer because really when when I'm taking my amatory again I'm identifying a character defect in my life I still have to come back to step six and say god has to help me with the

as of myself and by myself I cannot change me

you know so it it puts me back a couple steps and the second thing okay god you know here I am again doing the same **** over again yes that's going on between my ears it's not out there you know in front of everybody else but I know it

I know the way I'm thinking as well thank you please help me

yeah and there are lots of things to still go

you know greet

I think you know we talk about the seven deadly sins and how they affect the character defect that again that's on that as well as well but we talked about our basic instincts gone gone awry degree I still have a problem with wanting more materially

and what can happen is I can find myself getting upset I was explaining to a

US policy of mine how I you know I read recently I you know I needed a big chunk of money I did so I could think about moving into a different neighborhood and I turned

any any any kind of laughed at me now he's gonna tell you that an example of how I could still get you grew up you know and you know and then you know the other my other big one is is is to be honest with you I mean it still goes on between my ears even up and takes a moment for years I see a good looking woman in my entire

no I don't want to be that way you know there's my wife's a very attractive woman I had to ask fortunate to have

I don't know what it is about my basic instinct they have one more in certain areas

yeah I want more than my fair share day to get things going out you know I guess thank god I'm not out there taking the action but I'm not also not under the illusion that by letting it go too long between my ears the action will follow

just like thinking about a drink I think about you all I'm gonna take a drink

I think it's too much attention on it they're making money I'm gonna get the money is probably going to kill me I think it's too much on other women I'm gonna find one is going to run my marriage my life

the other thing to still come up in my life and I'm trying to share with you honestly some of the battles are still dormant might between my ears and I think god self

so that's not going to be on ten counts for you

for you for sure thank you

this is a

yeah

there you go

you'll do a mall

ages helped a lot with last

there's a

thirty five more years many

I tell you what what happens I remember I read it in a public market ran into an old girlfriend I used to

lush around where

as she was she was a nice woman I thank the wrong she was a nice one thank you humorous it was nice talking to you she was just a real woman woman you know she was in the whole school he was the whole thing has

slash Florida mortgages tell you some good you look good yes it does yes you want to go out for drinks repeaters hush and I don't

you're doing this stuff anymore and no are they not

she should be sure

that's a look around the house getting older houses are my age what I need is inspiration perspiration

she said to make sure

I remember when I could inspire you

he told the truth

sure you gotta be careful what's this what's where she's she understood what she

the woman was

U. S. as we look out for for things that are you know our developers out

well I go to all these questions in a row we're at G. mail you must be a special talented center

hello obviously common ordinary center you know I think imaginative

you know I got to watch out for four days shares we'll be looking out for us

J.

selfishness dishonesty resentment and fear that shows like stuff I looked out for the four step done

well akashic chefs and I still gonna watch out D. A.

what will you don't threaten vinyl a little Polish at Yahoo I see

not likely

OKC still crop up S. was lying well he says you got you **** grabs a takeover of weeds as a guard

there should be little care because I graduate next week

we continue to weed

that's all I can change it to

can you do that Sir yeah

doing

Senate

what's more no well it's like you can't serve charge that's a step yes really

it's okay to have the sauce they no longer motivated drive me into the action he

what happens only killed we deducted all that **** did you

yeah it

I'm hopeful to ram this is a

I'm a crack at it either

nor do I deny

I love speech by

sure his

don't upstage

give yourself what

do you think that you have stricter conscience thank god I didn't know your subscription okay

guy says very

this is leading to a big enough to affect us

one research where you get the idea you could affect collagen based rock band

the Mississippi River

three six you get the power to ignore tell her she's a creative person to complete construction shine

the actions of their child

thirty six you're more sensitive recounts that

do

you sent me yeah she

now here someone else's delusion so we'll talk about your theology of sin is

in order for you to commit this shouldn't soleil three things happened should you like it that way it's going to be a serious matter

there must be sufficient reflection and it's gonna be full consent of the will I don't know the joke in the last twenty years or drinking everyday sufficient reflection anything

that's why

if you were your drug is now a full percent wills not involved so what do you what is recast you may have the worst intentions of the world but as a certified center you fail

so when you step in front of your god he's dead next to mine say look I plead not guilty by reason of temporary insanity

they go to tests done sanity will return

that said you do

then you share it with another alcoholic

should that your adventures to life will become a milestone not a millstone around your neck

I wish you could measure how Florida Rockbridge integration guide college and not much

that's what it's about

this repairman should carry this message honestly don't call about that don't cover dance

hello okay

I would love to tell you I would have to you could you do this when I was drinking I can tell you like it

but since I got sober I can only tell you how I see it may or may not be that way

and I'm not stuck with that if I should she have poorly this week I don't have a poor vision for the whole week I will guarantee you like keep going what I'm doing now I see it next week will change

nothing in this state

thank

only got

everything is a disaster

everything

children John

careers

help body

happy

this is a socialist the coming go mostly go

we cannot stay

so if you would have a love affair first have a love affair with god

yeah your order the firm foundation for love

since this is your cement your last

wish to British dissipating this level

is that what you felt you won't be able

you have proper perspective one

that's rich family

Prof respect

nothing gets blown out of proportion

it's nothing can be seen

the delivery

shop to prayer meditation right

if you're sneaking reminders billions of people in the guards the site is not going to hear me it'll just basically get in the short line it's a very short time you know what it is is to thank you like anybody here

yeah

you get a short line and tell god

oh god I've come to life I'm reading today it's called internet service or the service

and then on the show before while

I got should people that hold the light for me so I walk along this path I didn't

I just wanna thank you for

let me know what you want we used to

photo was overturned military

Dave Tom spent thinking about that'll high school girlfriend you know

the strict about for a couple days and he's running short

S. meditation

we let

because of her idea of meditation show work we watch too much TV she some I would give the candles on abortion such outside trappings yeah that's warm daily stuff

they're selling something

creation of so many

your life

Schering so

check it out flushed down the toilet that's your business not mine my mind my own business

where should they make much

that's right George will show the search engines take care of

how do you learn to meditate

hello if you thought about making money hello you thought about a career

hello if you thought about education when you go to six

we meditate or life

with able to teach

wish to change the subject matter when I meditate upon

you already know how to minister

it's what I meditate

should I meditate on what god has done for me there is a good way to start

I had a long day

that was my final solution to the pain of living

I am obviously not dead yet

the closure to the once politically thank you

I drive fast cemetery and I feel like a no show

real soon

I am a no show at the cemetery

got a ready yet so I think I better not get ready for graduating

Israel's

that's right thank

what he's done for me what I crave

I don't pray to remind god of anything that I want or need

why

while I prayed to a god who is instantly more forms you may try to tell him something

it doesn't make a lot of sense

he already has established you know the agency knows before you install the new

tragic it's not

what do you prefer twenty three to remind me who is the source of light low our direction good judgment enjoy

to remind me who is distortion not money propping your prestige not knowledge or anything else

the pharmacist shortage

not many what do you pray for to participate in that stuff

there's a good reason

British

it does not change things for changes make

we have a disease of perception and prayer changes how I see things

I'm just a preferred solution yes right right question as your issue here I don't speak Korean citrus is grown in cable core

nineteen year old what is he coming along here thirteen year readings for gtech tattoos guitar over his shoulder one flip flop shoes J. son looks like he wants to show users no classified box over one of

what we're saying this perception

that's all it is

changes your perception

if I need

pray and meditate I will freak always focused on what god has given me and we'll have a joyful hearts what sometimes I get out of that habit and I start thinking about me and my sister found me what always happens I'm thinking about what words are drastically removed from me or excessively removed from reading and what ideas in delta pad and all that other crap

then I get

I believe that I can look at the press

so if you don't think you're up to

where are you don't pick up the meditation you don't want to try it you better get used to being depressed

because that's the result

but there is an alternative

meditation we already discussed you know has got to take just a matter of changing the subject material

encouraging knowledge who is the source of life when I was a source of life I wanted to engage

now that god is the source of life I wish to continue with

it is that simple

what he wanted to we just increase our conscious contact with god what three four

I pray for me yeah

got you charge when I got to pray for me

it's like taking

like a yellow paint and paint flowers

yeah sure

gosh

powershares Athletico powers and she

three people it was just all the steps that every time we want to do something with their life

we prayed again for the power to carry it out

after we've been informed

six dollars information itself is not sufficient

after we've been informed

sought to prayer meditation to increase conscious contact with god as we are praying holding I've got increased conscious project right look for knowledge as well for me yeah I got how would you guys will

they were the quarter and the power to carry that

our wish

the knowledge by itself is not

that's just

we should be using thanks Tom

step eleven talk about premeditation and

can I ask I like the big book because

mixing kind of simple

you know and and it says on here this

it would be easy for us to be vague about the matter for a meditation

yes we believe we can make some definite valuable suggestions and and what that follows with is is really and evening in the morning

ritual that they recommend and this may sound familiar and we just talked about this a minute when we retire night we construct of your day were we resentful selfish dishonest or freight wow we just heard that a minute ago it in like in the tents yeah so in a way you know a reflection in the evening

can be an inventory process of our day and again we have to look out for those the same thing

I regret that

very dishonest

are we selfish worry free

Hey what did we do right during the day but what could we have done better

is there anything we need to straighten them

in the morning they talk about

asking for directions again this time said not a

not not issuing orders to god for the day you know god I would like this today I'm going to do this this and this and this and that and you know please help me get it done yeah no

show me what you would have me do today

read he said he has a forward eleven separate show me the way it

that's what I like to keep throughout the day and and during the day you know if we feel like rob practice gravitated

you know we feel like

I feel like we're afraid we see resentment pop up yeah ask god to help us a month yeah try to you know that again kind of corny but you know repeat one half off and I was talk about starting your day over boys sometimes I know what that's like

yeah I I start off the day and man you know the

especially if I rush in the morning and I don't take kind of brainless to determine you know Russian of working in a traffic jam and you know going to be late I got this going on the lease that meeting well

at first we did hang

when it comes to prayer meditation the the twelve and twelve offers up a prayer one of my favorite

the very same France and others I want to read it because in a lot of staff as well as well they they talk about sort of using this prayer as

as a basis for meditation and I found a very valuable but I I just love affair and

described as the kind of person I want to be one day the kind of instrument of god that I'd like to try to get closer to

this is lord make me a channel that he

there where there is hatred let me bring up

the where there is wrong

I may bring the spirit of forgiveness

there where there is discord I mean bring harmony to where they're they're I mean speak to

the weather is down and may bring say that where there is there I mean bring over

there where there are shadows I may bring light where there's that many bring joy

lord

that I may seek rather to comfort and to be comforted to understand then to be understood

hello and to be loved

courted by self forgetting that one finds it is five for giving that one is forgiven

and it by dying of one awakens that turn a life I'm