We Are Family in Reno, NV - October 2nd 1994

my name is Lillian and I'm gonna

well my name is lilo and I'm an alcoholic

sue you affected this my god

old man you've been with us on the

for what it's worth so I for one thing you should do anything you'd like to do so

god knows I do

it has been sort of a pleasure communicating with you more

if I'd known you know to Cooper I would've been a lot nicer

actually was very very pleasant people here because Margot has been more than gracious

and Sean call to make sure all right

T. slit it through our life in the last two days and

I did I said flooded yeah

anyway

so

you for you have a comedian I understand is hope good for you

maybe we'll talk about all costs not very interesting I've never been a convention before I fall unknown on person sort of interesting we were starting to talk at the beginning I thought what the hell's the difference

the quote friends you might as well just trying to put in a lot easier

someone else get it taken care of you your whole story would have been different

but then it wouldn't been interesting what is you know I think we need Alan onsen

hello

forget all that okay forget it

my sister's on Ellen on for well I don't know sixteen or seventeen years and

the challenge sometimes being Ron Allen on so I promised her a few years ago that I wouldn't say anything negative about Alan on people from the podium and I try not to really

I know to be quite in fact I attended women's group on

Wednesday evening this just a handful of us

and everybody in there

hi has a reasonable amount of sobriety and

we're all over twenty and we we we've just begun to read a part of our little thing that we do every week the courage to change book which is the on on book because we decided that they have a corner on this release thing and I don't care how long your super I don't care how long you sober I think life is just a series of experiences one after the other and you're going to always have to deal with people places and things and I think you can use anywhere you can get help is gorgeous and

the longer runs over the more I find that if I just make room in my life and ask for help it comes in the most mysterious and strange ways and I found the courage to healing the Allen on book and all this conversation about releasing people and how to do that has been very interesting in the last reasonably short period of time for me and what is that got to do with my surprise it everything

everything I found out years ago and I've confirmed for myself over the years and by the way I'm twenty five years over today

thank

it may not be exactly today I just had to pick the state because you know I don't know what you were like when you got your but today's all ran into each other

like one big night and then one big day now and in the big day part I realized I was on a day after that big night you know drunkenness and I just sort of picked a date for years I thought it was October third and then I find a little card for my brother

indicating how grateful he was that I joined John the holic sonata and

it was dated October first I thought well

to go to days

particularly since I came to a and came to a call it's an honest for just a short period of time

brief temporary couple of weeks maybe months at some place just I just needed to get myself together that's the only reason I came here just for a little short period of time long enough to pull it back together get my health back off to my head would begin to move one more time that alcoholic poisoning would leave

and that I could sleep more comfortably because there's more money I guess altogether clean the place up scene me up clean out the car you know there's a certain list of things I have to do

and as soon as I get all that stuff together than I was going to be right out the doors of the holy synonymous and the only reason that I didn't drink because I was just afraid to dry I knew that I would drink I knew that if I didn't go to this stupid meetings that I absolutely without question would drink

and I didn't drink because I was afraid I will not be in today because I was afraid I would drink I had no option intention in the world stopping forever

now I believe that if you're a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for less than a day

just about forever how you do it shall I do wish it today's time wash I do intend to stay sober for the rest of my life

I'm on the way to doing that I've learned over the years how to do that been shown how to do it and show how to be unafraid to be around off the whole god knows you need that in a city like this

should have seen Marcia and I she's twenty four hours back she's just behind me it should be twenty five years very shortly and we were mad in this casino in the middle of this afternoon

like in a matter of three minutes we were like I don't want to tell you what happened

I can only tell you that if we were drinking it would've been worse than you would have already known about

the only advantage to the lines are surprised he gave us as we can keep these things quiet

remove it just a little low key matter now

used to be madly hysterical in the first few years and you get a little quieter a little quieter little quieter but you do all the same stuff

did you just do it for a shorter period of time

turn it over quicker

you're trying not to have to make the immense issue was talking about as often

I know you understand the stops and steps enough to make to become something of comfort for you and and something that you can do is

with some sort of fees so whenever your back is against the wall and those and you know if I am lucky I can't believe I'm about to say this

but if I am lucky I will always have something that will require me to reach into those steps and to reach into my mind and to reach into my heart and particular to reach into my soul and wonder and ponder about what it's about now what is this new experience what is this about what is the rest of my life about

I think that that's what it's about

this

the joy of living the experience of living you know I think after you you finally get a hold of a god get get hold of a lot of your experiences come through an enormous amount of joy

state of pain and

the need to be

rendered and surrendered painfully you find out you don't have to have that

if you just step into life it'll do it for you without paying

all sorts of things will happen that's what's happened to me all sorts of things if I'm really lucky all sorts of things will continue to happen to me for the rest of my life the only thing that will not happen to me is that I will not drink I will not drink no matter wash I knew that she was house worked from the very very beginning because that's what they told me that for some reason I knew wish and I believed I don't believe almost anything that anybody tells me and I'm Irish and I go out there to prove the whatever you do tell me is wrong

but I have not had any doubt that's wasn't drives away of course but over a gradual period of time in Alcoholics Anonymous I have come to believe

that I cannot drink and I understand fully the first after the first after the problem about college and on the time and I'll call accident powerless over alcohol I know that I don't style shish I don't wonder about yours I don't joke about shish we're talking bout near beer and all that horse **** that people tend to

I know there's a piece of paper here with the steps somewhere and I'm so tired I might skip one

god for bid all of the Finnish try next year

well I have to remember

so I understand the first step of the programs of course not honest because when I got here that's what they told me

I guess over the hole in the ground in Huntington park California sounds it is exactly as it sounds good on twelve steps into a hole in the ground

and then there were all these old guys you know and they have been sober before god save us over

they were

Applebee's friends of bill and they were definitely friends ability talked like bill Wilson with her friend and he was a new one they were so for a long time they had very little to say and what they said was very meaningful

and when you went there in the condition there were very few treatment centers and certainly very no places for women the last man thing was like not even discussed

and you just went in there and all they cared about was whether or not you stayed sober and that's all you ended up hearing about they did not care about anything else I mean I made a point of trying to tell them a lot of things about me

lesbian data out of that out of the just to start and they didn't care they did not Kerr

and you know over the years I have really found out that the people in Alcoholics Anonymous who really are I don't know in this program rather than all you know that really into it in this program they don't care either I could give a **** really

about almost

all I care about it are you sober do you want to be sober because if you do you're going to make it will work out the rest of it

so maybe I'm tired and maybe if you got me earlier in the evening could have one of those nice fluffy little talks

well I don't think that's gonna happen well I just don't think it's gonna happen

half off already on the near the conversation and

a few other things that I've heard over the last couple of days and I thought oh Jesus you know

and I know that there's a there's a quality of Alcoholics Anonymous here and everywhere I go went to a workshop and we realized it was by mistake because since they were the works as queen of the roads attitude or ego I. thought clear the road well attitude regal let's go to that one I mean forever your whole life you always have and I always have and you want an attitude problem always can learn something about eagle in attitude queen of the road they're talking about driving and trucks and cat rolling over there oh my god this incredible is just incredible I missed the whole queen of the roasting and then I realized Margo's got system here there's a system everything's got a meaning these workshops and I read it more carefully and I went into the relapse one because I'm always curious

Paul dash I'm always interested in why people relapse they relapse because they drank there's why why did you drink why should why you direct I'm more interested in what the hell were you thinking about for six months before you dress for eighteen years before you drank for twenty four years or twenty five years before you drag what is your thinking go hay wire what was the signal that you missed when did you start reading that book what did you not into even care about the twelve o'clock did you ever started reading the book is a good question to are you going to meetings do you call regularly have you been thinking about I don't need to go out and I'd I'd rather watch I don't know Roxanne or whatever name is on T.

Roseanne Roseanne the staff

although she had a lesbian on that program I got to tell you that was a very far I think the woman's pretty you know

I don't know the woman okay I don't know but when did all that stuff starts to happen and that's what I'm interested in I I want to know

what happened so that I can over and over and over again selfishly for myself

remind myself and see in front of my very own on is what they told me was true

that if you stopped going to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous you were going to forget all about J. A. and you're going to forget your in alcoholic and you're going to drink and that's the kind of alcoholic you are long that's what you are your dad kind of alcoholic somehow I got that so now in order to remember it I watch the people I want to hear when this thinking goes off because mine goes off and I want to catch myself right away they told me that the time to go to a meeting was when you don't want to go to a mate that's the most important time to go I have found over all of the years such a consistency you have no idea

I mean one of the great benefits of being sober any length of time is it sure Gordon and marching in anyone's here can tell you so what's your name still in the room

Riley

twenty eight years and can tell you that it is the same day after day year after year moment after moment how to be present how to be here none of that changes how we stay the same we go to meetings we read the big book we keep our house in order we don't go anywhere we don't bring god end of story I could get down right now there's no more what do you do in order to stay sober for the rest of your life one day at a time do not drink most important thing

work on that you probably will make it

so if you like to really make it with some sense of serenity perhaps you get your house in order attend meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and don't go anywhere you can find this god you're going to have to find

don't go anywhere you can't bring your god

gosh the big deal here traded in a bottle of Scotch I did for what god

no it's the reality of that it hit me in my first few months I wouldn't be here

they didn't care at the hole in the ground when I was here or not they just kept saying this is how we did it we stopped drinking and we found god we start drinking and we found on in between all that we read the book we did the twelve and twelve to steps and we went to a meeting period

they didn't care if they scared away by talking about gone in fact now I understand what they did they told you right away that you had to find a god because if you did not make it if you have to go back out there you might as well go back out there know what the hell you're coming back in because if you're lucky you're going to get back

you know they'll refund your misery and all that kind of stuff don't find a door some day some time in your sobriety with or without a god you're going to hit a block wall you're going to hit a wall Geren T.

I don't care whether it's in your first your your your your tent your your twentieth year but you will need to redefine and re discover that god and you're going to need to have a big call

and even then in that dark place when you don't believe that god is there you have not hoping enough space in Alcoholics Anonymous to stay sober and hang in I do not think so that comes back until you come back

and you reached a new plateau and if you're like me it would catapult you into the fourth dimension that they talk about in the book the place of no time no space no limitation a place were finally for the first time in my life what is outside of me does not count do not miss understand I like my money I like my comfort I like playing that slot machine with body today I like all that stuff I like the car I drive I like at all it's comfortable my house is in order I have a lot lack chaos I have all those things I don't intend nor do I feel that in order to be a spiritual person I have to be broke

I also believe that in order to be comfortable and a great number of Alcoholics Anonymous and sober all of these years that a golden chariot it's going to take me to have a

I don't think you have to have money property a prestige just because you've got time

I don't think any of that should count I think you get what you as an individual want

work for Mike don't want whatever your personal thing in

just because run Alcoholics Anonymous just because I drank it just because I stopped drinking doesn't mean that the nature of who I am has changed at all

the only ingredient I have added to this package of me is that I gave up drinking I had of well you miss Boyd in my stomach when I drank I filled it up with alcohol stop working I ended up in Alcoholics Anonymous got a huge void in my stomach that over the years got smaller bigger smaller bigger didn't matter and I filled it up with the spiritual experience of my own understanding that's it everything else that happened in my life was about my life

I used to love to hear the success stories in Alcoholics Anonymous until I met people that didn't have

I met people that didn't have I met people that were sick and I met people that were done and they were also over two and there also was long as me

I you know when we took off all the clothes and took off all the outside things it took off all the stuff that made me feel safe we were just a lie

what do we talk about what do we talk about

I wonder when push comes to shove why are we still all friends

even though we bicker with each other

because underneath it all we're looking for that call walking the same path and we want the same kind of peace well we can't stay here

so the similarity the daughters here which is the alcoholism the alcohol has not changed two people as my friend just said call young call him people looking for golf that's what we're doing here I don't care if you're so over five minutes or fifty dot ten years that's it I know a whole lot of people by the way they don't ever find that got they don't think they needed the group whatever their higher Polish more power to them I don't care as long as they're not drunk in front of me

however I have found that the place is worse is that is not enough

that is not enough it's not enough for me so I don't know anybody else a story I don't know why they were here and I don't know whether they use the book in the thing and this I do I use it more now than I have in the last twenty years of my life my surprise so brelo why it's more important to me now

because now I know that's all there is

I've already done the money already done all the rest of it I've already made the life already planted all the flowers I've got the roses and got the picket fence I got the god damn cars I got the houses my god at all

what happened when I was nineteen years old

well I was there something missing in my life

what

what happened I did it all within the guys all college non

and it worked

and then I realized there has to be more

I'm an alcoholic so I want all the routes I don't want a little bit of happiness I want there could possibly possibly be all right I don't want a little bit of love I want it

in every respect I want it all

I'm an alcoholic I had to not about me

just because I don't drink alcohol doesn't mean that I don't drink life

took me years to become

just being here it took me years to get comfortable not Kerr and what the **** you saw

about almost anything I just for

it's going to give that up

sometimes that's such an effective word you know

I get sick of hearing it all the time because it's sort of like ruins it for me but

every now and then you know when you don't use it for a while it's sort of like a really neat thing

I had to be careful now because I'm tired I could go off at any second anything

and it just happened here

Jesus

between the smoke and heat and lack of water I mean I don't know what they do here is to get you all lost it so you have to tell the truth that's what I understand animals

even the alcoholic ones hi now to get some

so it's about life if you want to live stay sober if you want to die drink unfortunately your look like a pretty young crowd to me

you won't die right away

how sad

I think a large part two by number of people I know stayed

because the enterprise when I stayed so I gave it a little bit of thought but she says it's not going to kill me

I still in young man off and after I've been sober just a little while I got healthy enough to move my head again you know see blue sky start to take these deep breaths to go all the way down instead of this throat thing I had when I first got here

the end and then they say they wonder how do how do they know I was new hi

I should get dressed up to go to their god damn hole in the ground meeting so that I wouldn't be like damn

no I was a newcomer

could it be the shaking

and the call because we just you know just sit there and you didn't have to meeting I wouldn't hear a thing because I was just trying to control

I mean I complain about the smoking now because I'm a wimp but I have to tell you I smoke two or three packs at all at the same time

I need to say it doesn't matter what about the smoking and they give you this call C.

I have to stop drinking coffee when I was nine or ten years sober because my stomach was a rotating

I really attribute that dark horse unknown only at the end of drinking hot water so I could stay

killing me and they would make you eat these candy bars and jelly doughnuts you know I'm suspicious of meetings where they don't have don't have

I think they don't understand newcomers anymore here I don't know what your meetings are like in Reno and Sacramento and all these other places you have name tags from but they're actually meetings in California where we serve carrots and celery sticks and cheese and crackers

stuff welcome my giving him two Bucks for every time I go to me for that

trying to solve this tape going to go back to your

Hey I really do think that

people say oh you're so calm in a meeting yeah I'm thinking about the god damn choosing one of the only don't

well I don't know whether it's because when you were a new comer when I got sober in there weren't a lot of treatment centers you need a jelly donut you needed that sugar really really bad you were shaking like a leaf you were perspiring green stuff for Monday

very dangerous workplace and then you need it and they gave you Hershey bars in these drinks with sugar and stuff and then it was unbelievable so amazing there was a trend of hypoglycemic going through a a no wonder no wonder it's amazing we all even like made it physically

you know I've heard off now but I've I've heard and I haven't heard here maybe last night I think people wonder where the people what time are I don't

I know what kind of

I know what time is it you ask anybody what time in this room and I'll tell you right now the only five or six people they know and they got sober with

you know you get tired when you get older you got lights you don't live here when you get time give me a lot you have busy lives not busy enough not to go anyway but you're going your own little meetings every week to this one and that one the other one very active in Alcoholics Anonymous Marty's very active very active in alcoholics lost in a very low key kind of way I'm anonymous clean up person a meeting is Sunday in the middle of the day have been for twenty years

quiet during our quiet little thing

worry about where we are we're there

no we're the ones in a meeting will say where the hell are the jelly don't

whenever you want to make any changes in Alcoholics Anonymous we will absolutely no

well listen to what you have to say

although the book is by the way for me it's just a foundation you know you read that and you interpret it your own way because over the years if you're lucky enough if you're lucky enough to change the word alcohol just being present every day you can that purple will provide you with more than you could even imagine so give you the freedom to do anything you want

you know and if it then it becomes an issue we're talking bout the twelve concepts well worth reading there's a twelve step twelve traditions the twelve concept today for years I used to think concepts interesting what what they are

well to talk about them it's about how the business of a is conducted

I wish when I was running my company that I had read those concepts I would have done perhaps a better job

and the traditions you got trouble in your relationship look at the traditions wanna make a relationship work understand any kind of relationship I'm not talking about just part I'm talking bout just replacing

look at the traditions

if you may

and you want to make your life for a look at this stuff just so individual so personal so for me

so that I can live with you

so for me so that I don't hurt you

so for me so that I'm safe person for you to be with

because it's on a safe person for you to be with I'm a safe person for me I can only make me say then you're C.

until I'm so if you're not safe I don't hear from sue over three thousand years until I'm comfortable with me you are not safe

I will revert back at any given moment to some little thing that I have

now the only difference is when I revert back periodically now I catch myself and then I go please

all because he's old guy sat there

with more surprised and I even have today

and they said we don't care who you are what you are what you have we don't care who you sleep with we don't care if you sleep

and they didn't Kerr we saw

we only Kerr did you stay sober we're going to tell you how to do that here's how you do it

down pour this Cup of coffee have your cigarette try to listen to that guy S. he's talking try to shut off at least half a dozen of the people in your hat

you won't be able to stop all of them

but you know over a gradual period of time we promise you that one day you won't have anybody out there but yourself and let me tell you that has become a torturous experience I was much better off with the committee up there ham I try doing with U. S. is not much negotiation there I can tell you

the Ted now and the other thing to do is when you're sitting out there for god's sake listen to the similarity

dont listen and look for the difference

over the years with peace I guess

when I'm kind of tired and irritated myself hi to this day I hear myself say

gotta listen to the similarities

because we're identical

we're identical

and I would do that half the meeting shaking you know all newcomers on a we just sort of gravitated toward one another I must've been older the sand I don't know but

it's a bunch of us and then all these people would come right over and they do something that I worry now I worry may not be done you know

they come right up and shake your hand welcome you keep coming back you come back hi all you want to do is get out

thank you coming back yeah sure keep coming and you don't touch me don't come near me would come right off they taught you anyway

now I'm going to a big trip in my brain about how could they dear touch me I'm gonna keep my hands hidden and they don't Kerr I'll touch your shoulders I thought your they'll going to touch you that's what's going to happen

I taught you I guess they keep coming back this really gentle voice three or four years later you've kept coming back and you've been friends and now you're fighting and this is on you **** even like you can begin this is a life this is because for the first year I know that a lot of you when they're going to keep coming back it isn't she wonderful isn't she this in about the second year is like you sure

did you continue to do that after the third year they don't like you anymore

and they have to figure out how you're going to stay when nobody likes you

and then this year you don't like them

J. not liking them and about the test year you figure we're stuck with each other

by the twenty fifth year should you work it out

you too tired

hello

why because you come a long way already

they come a long way together we don't want to end the journey now

and not everybody works it up but you know when push comes to shove

we do

because we understood from training and I had the habit of putting principles before personalities to have knowing the matter who it is an Alcoholics Anonymous is the biggest jerk in life that if that person were in jeopardy of drinking everything in my life would stop to help

and if I was in jeopardy extreme I don't care who it is

they would stop to help me we've put it aside what is that that's selfish

people such as me perhaps you maybe not

put everything aside suddenly stop

maybe it's that we understand dying

maybe it's me understand dying while you're wide awake a lot

maybe the reason I really status because I knew I wouldn't die

maybe the reason I really status because I don't wanna be a woman alcoholic out there

on my way just as the balance of the yes

because I listen to the similarities in Alcoholics Anonymous and if you want to her drop a lot they'll be plenty of them in other meetings I'm not interested in having that conversation all you need to know is I couldn't stay so over twenty five years and hung around on college not unless it was an alcohol

you have to be some sort of maniac

did you know what all you have to do is to be sober

you know you start hitting the double digits and you are like surviving your sobriety

never mind your drunkenness

I wish it all for you I wish you the sandboxes Alcoholics Anonymous is you throw sand on each other and on yourself because you're constantly falling down and you're constantly getting up the life presents you with all the theory is that the joy of life the death of life people will die people will live people were laughing people will cry

if you think for one single second

did you have it all figured out

then you're luckier than I

you're luckier than I

because just when I think I got it all figured

it's safe now

the world is in order

god and I have done

it's not going to change

forget it

if you're anything like me and you go to bed every night get down on your knees you turn your well your life over to god

probably will if you're working eleven step in any kind of way

then when you go to sleep I don't know where you go when you sleep but I found out something really startling

spiritual universe spirit of the universe whatever it is that definition of goddess doesn't really matter

not sleeping

all right thank I'm sleeping spiritual universe is leaving all the lanes are sleeping all those people that have gone on beyond and before me or not sleeping they don't sleep

I just like

and then they steal my brain

why don't they come and pick my brain my heart my soul because I turned it over to just before I went to sleep

when I begin to understand the six step of the protocol if nana I began to realize my god I am cooperating

be careful you might stay sober long enough to start cooperating with Gosse

you I stay sober long enough to find out good guys will enjoy will start to go together

you may find a day even get sober and stay sober long enough to find out that your will and proper use of that will is perfectly acceptable

it is god's will that I did this no it's not

it is your will but you did

it is god's will that you have the experience

and it was god's will let you finish that expiry

your will is a very powerful and profound thing

Marco probably knows we're one of the few species that has this power of choice and will

what a tremendous responsibility it is

I don't know about you I need help with it how do I get that help hi I wanna go sheet that what do I do when I'm asleep I am more than willing to go to be taught in that spiritual fourth dimension that I now have come to believe in compass is all there is

has got the knowledge and the power and the energy of everybody that has gone before me and everybody that will never come often

all of it so we were all connectors it is such a huge vast

I can't even describe something so big

that's where my god and that energy comes from

it's taken me years to go to my Catholic god might this gone and that's gonna do the other golf to find out for me that my Jesus Christ and Jr and all of them were they not grace messengers and channels of information

at everybody that shows that a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in my eyes now is exactly the same as a Jesus Christ because they say things that save my life

where does it all come from

that they're willing to step up in front of a might to Mike so I don't know what

smoke filled room and god and Reno Nevada after they draw

the box in the afternoon

judges you know and say okay I don't know what I'm doing here get here quickly

sorry Mr casino down the street would you please and just get right here

because all I need to know that I'm okay I need to know that I'm an alcoholic and I'm sober tonight and this is how I stay sober and I'm being of service there might be one person out there that needs to know a couple of things one you never have to drink again for the rest of your life two if you're an alcoholic you're part of our call you construct again for the rest of your life if you have a dollars a reservation all may be if somebody steps on my toll if I you know my mother died or whatever the hell problems you may think you have there are nothing to drink over you can't drink if you were dying do you think it will make it better to drink

our conversation with the woman this twenty eight years sober just recently

she is done

don

cancer all sorts

and in a moment of great

just

between the drugs in the depression and all the things that happened

when you're going through that

**** Christ the solution would be to have a drink

suddenly I felt this energy go through my body

I didn't have any feeling for compassion that she was going to die

all I knew said she was an alcoholic just like me and she couldn't drink I said barber you kind of train

it's not going to kill you

if you if I thought for a minute it would kill you it might be a different conversation but it isn't going to kill you

it's going to give you a headache

it's going to make you sick it's going to make you throw up it's going to make you alienate the few people

you're twenty eight years

and you're going to need your head about you because the day will come when you're going to need to talk about how to die

and you want to do something perhaps and you may choose to do something and I will be there to support you but I will never be there to support taking address