The Way Out Group, Staten Island, NY

and with that I'll give you more cage of dollars

we're doing this business on several vehicles are stored on the promo

yes

it

so that

that works

seeing everybody on Mark Hughes and I'm an alcoholic

and

my whole group is the clean air group in the Dallas Texas and

I have been sober since October the nineteenth of nineteen eighty two

the celebrated twenty years for which I am incredibly grateful

in hindsight

and there's very little to do with that

very little to do with

absolutely nothing to do with what happened in the morning of October nineteenth in nineteen eighty two sometimes in hindsight

very little to do with not taking a drink for a little bit over twenty years

a little bit about what it was like every time I go another year without drinking I have a tendency to look back and reflect on the meaning in the relationship that I had with alcohol

call your first step if you will

hi my actions clearly indicated

at least the last ten years I drank I drank for twenty years that alcohol was first and foremost in my life

absolutely the single most important thing in my life

that our call came ahead of everybody in this team the head of everything

so the bill Wilson uses words that I didn't like

but I had to look at the truth is that in that he is that he was my master and I served it

I don't know how you all drinks but

for there comes a day if you don't get second of that

I don't know how you'll ever gets over

I am not in denial about that relationship with alcohol

I'm not in denial about what the big book says that I was a tornado roared through the lives of other people here and

there are a lot of reasons for that relationship with alcohol I didn't take a drink till I was sixteen years old and I really needed to taking a drink before that

my dad died alcoholism and eighty six my mother died of untreated Allen on this one I was

yeah there's any elements here but you can die of untreated Alan on is I watch my mother to do that

is so you know I I was raised research for boys in the Houston family

well I tell you they're they're all pretty crazy

my oldest brother

is now calling it in the drug addict the brother below me is about alcoholic

the youngest brother if it hasn't drank in probably six years

published most in twelve join today that's a vast improvement over when he drank selves

you know there was a lot of alcoholism and in our family I don't believe it's a coincidence for Houston Morris turned into drugs

when I say there is a reason why I should have drinks or

so I don't know why like so terrified me but it did this and

I think I think as some of the reasons I didn't drink prior to age sixteen was that I I watch my dad since I didn't want to be like him and

but from the very first time I I took a drink the effect produced by alcohol I experienced

in my experience that right up to the last week of the last five or six years

I would use the term that alcohol stop working the reason I say that is because that incredible affected it produced you know the magic said nothing else ever did for me where I could be comfortable in my own skin and I could be fearless they can operate in the world

that stopped happening my last five six seven years of drinking

that was one of the worst days of my life the first time that ever happened to me but I am grateful to god for alcohol I really am

then again I know I I I don't know all the reasons why I was so terrified allies and why I was so uncomfortable with myself but I just know that I was and I know when I took that drink when I was sixteen but that went away

if that's the only thing in your license ever make that go away you're going to go back to get into I was not a situation drinker from the first time I picked up the drink until my last drink I was a daily drinker the only time that I did not drink was when I was physically separated from alcohol in some fashion for example

when I was drafted with the military much to my surprise I couldn't pick up a drink for about three weeks in

to this day I remember the taste of that Budweiser after going three weeks without drinking

you know you get through high school and and you get to go on to college and

it took me six years to get through college and that's because of our coalition I got drafted and sent to Vietnam because my uncle is the reason is back then SO zero by ager when that's going on I was studying to be a teacher and teacher gives got deferments but because I like to party more like going to class I can drag it out and funded they said you know you had about six years I think this is about long enough you don't seem to be anxious to graduate we're not going to give you the deferment instead we're going to draft your so they sent me to Vietnam for thirteen and a half months

came back from Vietnam finished up got married

and I understand that line about bill Wilson warring awfully roared off to California in nineteen seventy two with the bulls wagon hundred fifty dollars this young bride beside me and

here's what she had he had a terrified I was horrible in the city of San Francisco

who who who for whatever reason suffer from massively low self esteem was terrified of life

and with you got a job

when the major insurance companies and in my job was to adjust claims in the city of San Francisco

lived in Oakland California at a vehicle parked right in the beach for a hundred twenty five a month I mean I had arrived

they gave me a check book I could write checks up to fifteen thousand dollars

and I think I was being paid seven or month and a company car and Terry in nineteen nineteen seventy two that's pretty good with and

streaking upon exciting exhilarating parts of my life I grew up there we got the napa valley wine tasting and not develop cities for white one time I had a real nice when collections matter of fact but that's my breaking progress that nice Cabernet Sauvignon changed to boost farm stuff like that some

we were there about a year and then like like the Lawson says I fancy myself a leader if they were taking care of me I can't help each other so you know we quickly through another job we went up to Eugene Oregon and

I think you know when I think about that certain around nineteen seventy four book talks about demoralization and then begin to look at my behavior yes and I think this is an important part also Leah what brings about a surrender but

I was raised with some good values raised in Norwegian farming community I knew the difference between right and wrong

I knew in that marriage that woman that I that I need to be true that marriage and yet I would drink and I would commit adultery I like to call it what it is a pleasure to think floating around when you're married now it's called the fair I like to just call it what it is it's I was committing adultery

and what I did in the midst of doing that was that I violated my conscious and I had to drink to cover that up and I didn't want to do any this isn't about our call was finalised in a life in the notes to me at that time and I have no choice about any of this with any of my behaviors and things

and

moved out to Portland Oregon nineteen seventy five I came home one day and ended that marriage and and the reason is that marriage really is in nine sizes I could no longer live with myself and you know I always dreamed that one because she was a good one

so strange story about the enemy minister her many years ago and

about six months ago I got a phone call from her and she she is in her early forties and she

call me because she said I think I'm an alcoholic and she has no call

and she the seller Georgian as yet for your sobriety just means stuff happens from there

so I left her and moved up to Seattle Washington and some of its salesman so the drinking had not ruined my career along those lines but

it was getting close I live in Seattle two years and then from the sale I went up to Alaska

for if you're an alcoholic Alaska is a place to be and

bars close only for two hours at that time three am to five PM

the only time that was a problem is in the summer it's daylight twenty four hours a day so when you come out and you can count on board three and still they like you want to do drinking to excess

mark their culture looking Charlie's amazing place you check it on the front door and we just finished the last cruise nation and that was the beginning of the end for me and the reason is because of a phenomenon called gravy I was drinking and combined with other mind altering chemicals which you're remain nameless

ask quantities

in a place that can show up for work play couldn't closing deals in a close call on banks

new research showing up reeking of alcohol and stress to you that your boss and one day a man who loved me dearly had to come up and fire me enough

so from there I wonder migrating back to Colorado in down

here I am at that time I guess thirty three four years old living at my parent's home

no connection at all the fact that alcohol might be the cause of some of this in the

join unemployment and just the beginning of the year and you know not being able to look at myself in the nursing what's happened you know by the way when I'm a junior in high school this wasn't in the game plan when this happened to me

in that self loneliness or so taken in you gotta drink to treat all that and then you're just in the cycle twenty four seven and

polygynous cycle for two years and

the gal the bar

Friday night I think about a month later we got married and that was may nineteenth two

in the beginning the end and in the end of that thing for me I've gone to

she had a job of course at that time to see I couldn't work so I do have some of the support we so we're in a woman that was a fair trade off on there you you take care of me

and it was pretty obvious to her that she thought I had a problem with alcohol and she was happy to see this need P.

in the C. P. resilience

she was in recovery that's why she just

fifteen minutes into that she said you're an alcoholic she said you're one of the six five seniors in the agent's retrieval service get out here I can't help you and sorry thank you and a few drinks behind that one and

that's really what it was like a you know along the way

Okarche

what people the motional security everyone where we cared about me

we'll see I didn't see that have been sold for quite awhile you know you're going to make a list of people that I've talked about this before this group was the first wife is one to seventy straight about that robbing people of emotional security

parents friends

wives children

where every night

they they they don't know if you're gonna come over now come home

and are they going to get a phone call and I get a phone call you know I would have seen

when the senior care homes

for

just horrible

one of the ways that they had to make a lot of it since I got sober is is I let people know where I live and my phone number and I called one of my missions to mine mail friends when I got sober was work we've please let me just go you do okay

so I got a couple several friends over the years I got long time friends nineteen fifty nine we have four year history with people they love me in spite of myself was there they said I worry about you of course

over the years they're going to keep my address known pencils that are being moved around a lot I guess I still do that sometimes but got

so any rate fast for what happened to what happened was I guess twelve step by a Bible told your Vangelis and then my wife invited over first hand I still have that Bible I stole it from that guy

J. Davis cited that I needed to god in my life and thank you can arrange that he did he tossed at me

and they took me to a church that night they were having a big revival in

an out of body experience one of those those you were Frank like I did you have this happen where your body's doing things you're not involved with it what is doing

that kind of a deal

they did alter call my body responded to the altar call in ninety

the stay on screen this dialog stop stop what you're doing so we will see the doing it all for call if you got this big evangelists there my body is up and walking around saying stuff like someone will see me I didn't know anybody that

we'll be doing it anyhow I I don't know what they did that night

I think I got slapped around a little house they they get it Tuesday about that stuff and

but I believe this is a part of it and have September twenty eighth nineteen eighty two and I think finally just to get away from me I think what they like you to do is to think during your life over to Jesus and I can't remember

right I pretty well got clear that they were not going to release me until I did whatever it is we need done so I think I told him to do it

when I did that and I believe there's a strong connection between that acts that night and then getting sober on October nineteenth

through a series of events I checked myself into a detox and treatment center October nineteen nineteen to

yeah

first two three years of sobriety were they were tough for me because I was so damaged I had brain damage and I had some liver damage kidney damage the most basic fundamental life skills I had totally forgotten

then again it is this is just how I drink I never forget I was probably I didn't have a car for a couple years

I remember going to open a checking account informed me that I couldn't do that because I have a lot of outstanding checks and and no recall the single one of

when I went to Alaska to make amends I was off a year when I thought I lived there

I felt like I was in the Cheech and Chong will be my first three years so

I go short shopping at a grocery store and I'm going to push the car and look at some level wow look at that agreement only get palaces work they've had that in the store for fifteen years

I've been busy and like I told

I go to a movie you know I am going to movie in years and they'll serve booze and stuff in there

like I would ride the bus and I'd be going on here birds sing and I go

Mandy

it's

it was amazing I wish I'd stayed and stayed longer I didn't somewhere around two three zero two three years I came out of it stinky and man I was dry

and while

it was not a pleasant pictures

see I don't know how to do life without alcohol within about two two and a half years I mean I literally this is exactly how experiences it really felt like I can zoom in out of some kind of a blackout at around two and a half years sober and I'm looking around and married to this woman who quite frankly I didn't even like I realized

and I'm working

god does take care of us when I was about five days that treatment center I went to a meeting this guy came up afterwards and said well what are you doing

when I said Wall worrying means one you want to do you have a job with us and all

gadis Hey Lauren looking for some salesman he said on this and will someone want you swell cameras video and I'm sorry about that he said

your sales I can teach you that lesson well okay I don't have a way to get to work as an office job

so the end of those first two years he wound up hiring for more drugs and within six months we broke every record that company had for sales in the

has a one time thing he said that warning what do you do with those guys he said all they're just happy to be reason enough

if you were driving the van

he would drive the vehicle service and we have a meeting going into work and then we were captured all day long there many dropped us overnight and then pick it up again thank you so many drops off again that's all I did for two years you know it was amazing that I when I when I kind of came when I came out of that thing

the married to this woman in and then along the way I've been promoted to manager I mean I mean this I

I went when I came to run this keep in mind that somewhere between two and a half three years sober I felt I felt like I was in a blackout those first two and a half three years so I guess what I want to tell you if you're fairly new and think you're well you're not

you know you're you're really not

and so when I came out of that blackouts over Blacktown there I don't know what else to say here am I managing the store that does about three million a year or twenty five employees the role and learning how to get here I'm married to this woman I mean I just didn't like her and

wow is credible in in we bought a house I get the stronger dollar look how's the rain you know night I got honey do projects and

I I don't I don't have any tools to do any of this at that time in the course I hadn't done anything with the steps I was incapable of doing anything with the staffs

what it means and I am sure he also has some great things

I never heard any of it yet yet you know if you told me

does your nearest soldiers well

just incredible when I look back and

so finally I think somewhere around three three and a half years

so you know my pal Joe and he started working with don Payne

I thought I was sick but I can't make a judgment about Joe's sector he was getting better

so I thought well okay so I

did would through the steps with don and

that was pretty amazing night here about three and a half four years of some pretty amazing stuff going on my life

go through the steps and making demands and and

that marriage ended that marriage so it didn't work they're doing whatever and I let her know in hindsight

depression somewhere between my seventh and nineteenth year depression started to settle in on me either depression settled into me on me or I just been depressed most of my life from the start to wake up to it

it is slowly begin to take me over and it wasn't fun

it almost took me out of here and

there was suffering that it happened to me at that time and that was that

keep in mind this is in the engine

it was a belief system perpetuated that time fairly strong of the steps will do everything

nothing but the steps right

well I probably need to do a been taking something along with the steps but

didn't because of that belief system because I think this is excited to have this depression is getting worse and worse and worse and so I switched jobs

moves the house went through a bankruptcy

and then get in that place I hope this is consoled her coming up on nine nine half years and

yeah it was it was as dark as I've ever been in I couldn't drink

I didn't drink

I couldn't drink call it what you will graduate you drinking or not drinking I don't care what the circumstances are

and the hopelessness and I if I was reduced to seven apartments and

I actually cried all the time it was not a fun deal now a lot of that quite frankly is a

because some of it is associated with a lot of my life experiences

if I needed to been doing something for which by the way the big book told me to do but I I nort that right because I'm concerned about after all what you think and that would be real weak we need to do that it's funny about it's funny about that today I take the big book in its entirety and

but I completely ignored them and all it almost killed me by the way where it says seek out other good doctors and

so make a long story short this is a series of interventions I wound up in a psychiatric hospital more for sexually news and not house in Houston Texas

I need to be there I couldn't work I couldn't function in society and was when I was in saying that I was in a place of hopelessness beyond anything I could've told you

and sometimes when I look back I I have to surrender in the hospital that to this day stands me in good stead and I'll tell you what this room to look like the surrender look like this

you know god

you know I I drank for twenty years and thirty six from the company and probably forty four then I got ten years over

yeah I don't know about it it just seems like when I'm trying to get involved with any part of my life what it looks like and who's here you don't go well so here's the deal buddy from now on I don't care

I don't care I don't care where I live I don't care what I do I don't care if I'm single I don't hear from merry I do not care because somehow in my carry something happens and I don't do well

and

from that day to this that is the position in which I go through life you know new bill would mean you deal with the issue was and so you know in the future if ya ask me why that move here whatever just assume my answer's gonna be is because that's where god wanted me because I don't care because when I care I get in trouble because when they get in here I want to try and manage my lives in it and what they look like and how they act yeah but you know

it's not a pretty thing when the

I got out of that place in the

we worked the first nine steps four times in the first two years really really start work with the disciplines of the tenth eleven step begin a daily meditation so

well life since it is just took off like a rocket

any for Mister you get asked to do a little speaking in there which by the way I wanted nothing to do with

it is paradoxically you know you and I mean this I mean I wanted nothing to do with it

in some days I'm still aware really just sit back in the room you know and

one day fairly wise man said to me you know once you made a third step decision and you have a gift and you need to share that gift so you better get over it

okay sorry okay I'll do this thing

in R. J. I really started work with our colleagues I started to get Mr workshops and taking people through the steps and the course what happened Nina might have missed something new but

this is just for me

the turning it clear with people

yes it is today I know the things that I it works used in has to do to be at peace in my skin with myself with god would you

I know what I have in that doesn't mean anyone else being asked to do that

so when I share with you what I do is because I have to do it and I like the effect produce

hi we have the right inventory many times on

why can't I be a little bit road guy

I really wish I could have been

I can I try it and they get sick

I wish all I can do is go to meetings and not drink I mean

not the way it works I don't do well

so for me what would really have to happen I just had to stay very active steps and they had to really work with a lot of people

and I literally began its ten year journey pretty intense during on the nose to me of

working with people hundreds of workshops this going into groups in which I can assure you that the my experience with the messy job the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous widget that Peter this year all in in

I suspect we all go through that to somewhere in here you know you have to decide on a share of my experience in my experience with the message of the book of my going to be concerned about what someone thinks about

when I reached a place where I know or care what anybody thought about I go anywhere on the screen and this is what I have to do hi I speak out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous because there was a solution from alcohol was

there's any disclaimer ever get people into this

if I ever seen can't reconcile the big book the north

the other thing I tell people don't ever let anyone read you think before you why I work in the field of chemical dependence and then working in twelve years

five probably personally got a chance to meet and somehow

experience well over fifteen to twenty thousand dollars for holding since drug addicts

this is a deadly deadly illness

I get to experience a picture far beyond the single rooms of eight on telling you they're still dying in droves

so you may have about this if you are like me walking demeaning and see who can get you to get better because it will

that's my experience I buried a lot of people

hello this is a deadly thing you've got I mean if you're real alcoholic you need some power in your life the steps of the messages which we experienced that power

I also sell this program

no actually my wife today

this is the best it's ever been hi I guess since I used any stuff about that but I will tell you also

a year from now I could be a lot different so I don't spend a whole bunch of time and that you know I mean really I'm very more money I've ever made in my life CEO of a company doing what I love to do and that's all real needs but three years ago I was unemployed so that all changes I don't pay much attention to them I mean I really don't and because of that might be an attention that gets me in trouble I live in a world of impermanence and I want to catch through this this nice job or a woman or

we I do I discover this no wives

I attached to the moment

anymore

I'm mostly concerned with the impressions wherever I am

I doesn't make much difference to me where a man who would want to do it makes a difference can I present to you know today I had an amazing spiritual experience yeah I spent four hours in the Russian baths I had a spiritual experience

J. why I walked out there and it felt like I had nineteen shots of stores you know serving lacks

see this is what recovery is done I mean are we talking about that bass for list of contacts yeah that was an amazing experience the

thank god I'm a week today I'm a wait and see to come back here and spend some time with people I've grown to love and care about what what a wonderful life like

you know and it comes from the steps

for me this this was a ten eleven or crucial

a little sometimes I look back and and I think the program really is about terminal illness one through nine I think sometimes there's way too much attention given

the action I take really in four three nine one two three considerations are they not I mean think about it

Nestle considerations

no my real alcoholic you know globally to drink is that you have a phone number creative sessions mind spiritual not yes it's not rocket science and stuff

yeah you know well do I need power to do some about that young

you know what I want to make their power everything in my life you know I tell people it's not your call you don't want to I don't care I'm here today as my dancing when you know I'm doing just fine

yeah out of powers yeah okay all did insurance loans you know or you can bet your life and you will then work a little bit you're most looking alike how nifty it is

no one will talk to you and yours up like very

well it goes on to mention that you know well it okay you got to make a decision is

Sir you will live over this power and

here's a reason why you might want to consider doing that

okay then how do you do that well now we got to write words yeah I got it right three of the Tories voted off or do that will see Dino call I guess right interest

for now that you mention that axon

C. write a resume that inventory for column here and join a section in the morning you get after why did you need power these will be rid of that which as you walked

I don't call yes right in between yeah sure that sounds like a fair trade on

please don't read somebody you know

in the hopefully they have enough courage to tell you the truth about what the secret is no longer there falls out there you want to make sure your troubles you know making

and you know what events are you look at a whole bunch of defects you saw as a result of her live your life based on your will call to life like an ingrown hair taken everything personals all about you know

even even of our age we're looking at how many presidents are there for me under the tree

this is possible that the gotten the seven steps you know

make a list of people you ever consider costing people write letters make phone calls cleared up

he made some mistakes and so

you can't defeat eagle eagle takes the best of

okay how long you're sober that's what the book says I made mistakes their name body in this room

they ever ever woke up one day and said you know I got nothing else to do I think I'm gonna go arm someone today

we just don't work that day

you know were were programmed in a certain fashion

today I had a rare thing happened to me I had a member of a a call the other day it makes sense to me you know we don't do that within the fellowship

and I said to him I very much appreciate you doing that but they said you don't have any power to hurt me engine one evening they said because I know you didn't choose to do what is you doing what was that a man's by members of agent near about the assassinate my character most the time they don't even know me I have never met me but

here are is is somebody sharing something that is differs a little from your experience here's some truth that resonates you get little angry about that movie this guy always to me I'm the one that

so you know you you what you make those and then you pay the money back you can make amends list PP Robert Marshall security for me ask what kind of set the books right you know

and the freedom behind all that is just beyond belief Taylor Freeman upstream go anywhere I'm not carrying nothing behind me I get to live in the present moment in my life is really nothing back anymore

less Terakhir when that you know I still fall asleep sometimes I do things here

right I'll wake up to it I take care of it right away clean stuff up and

stellar quality of life I had to do because of this program because what I learned in the big book

which is to go to meetings share with others that's all I got is going to be thinks