Maryland State Convention

hi everybody my name's sandy beach and I'm an alcoholic I'll do it

well it's really nice to be back in you know where I got sober and

where all my friends are

and it's a pleasure to be with all of you this morning antic brought back some good memories of Saturday morning live you know it's just about the time right now to start that meeting

at ten o'clock and I don't see any potted mums so

I don't think we can have that particular meeting that there's just so many great stories about that I don't know if any of you were there the day we had the raffle with no tickets

you think it can't be done but it was

all the prices were

handed out to winners and it was quite a quite a morning

and I when I think back on and I'll tell you who got the most out of that was me because it

it just was amazing to me how exciting the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous themselves are you know what I mean to just realize that somehow

back in

nineteen thirty seven somewhere around there

all this wisdom came funneling through bill Wilson on to the pages of the big book and then later on

on to the pages of the twelve and twelve

and

look how many lives have been enriched by those words and by following the guidance that is set forth in their

and every time I would read those sins and so to go over that yeah I would feel that I mean I could just feel the energy

the truth that's contained in there and so

I'm gonna talk a little bit about them this morning I'll talk a little bit about myself but I really

enjoy

sharing some thoughts about our principles and I'm going to save a lot of time for that

I got sober in Pearl Harbor day of nineteen sixty four and I haven't drunk since my first meeting and as I always say I owe it all to not drinking that is the

that's the total package John how you avoid getting drunk is you just never drink

then once you do that then you're left with is getting happy with not drinking and that is what a a is all about I mean I many of us had tried to not drink on our own before we got here and it was so miserable that we called said the heck with this

and in AA that's the the wonder of Alcoholics Anonymous and if you're new I know that may be hard to believe that there's gonna come a day not too far not too far in the distant future when you are gonna feel in your heart that it's Saturday night and you're so happy that you're not drinking

you're so excited you just don't want to go out and celebrate that you're not drinking

we we don't celebrate the old way we just celebrate the fact that I'm not drinking and that's what America list that's what spiritual power is that something that none of us could have done on our own just go boy I'm so happy that I'm not drinking because drinking for me like just probably everybody else in the room

I was

how I survived in this terrible world

drinking was not my problem it was the answer to my problems

my problem was sobriety

every time I was sober it was awful

and it was just awful I was born sober

I went to grammar schools over

with the high school sober

and it was awful

it was just terrible everybody was better than I am I didn't fit in and I was nervous all the time they could didn't know what was going on I was afraid I think there was something missing I knew there was something wrong with me there was something different with me but I had to pretend that none of that was true

so that I could

blended in you know what I mean but I felt like some day I heard a speaker say this that he felt some day a spaceship was gonna come down to go sorry we put you on the wrong planet

we're going to take you to where you belong you were right

all those feelings were right you don't belong here at all

and does so there was the problem there was my problem it was already there

and when alcohol came along it fixed it

it was a miracle I could not believe

the power of alcohol it just change the world that I lived in it made other people change words before I had some drinks they looked intimidating and threatening and hostile and different

after I had a few drinks those very same people

we're friendly I could see it in their eyes

they like to me

maybe they didn't know they like me but I could see it in their eyes I just

I just looked around I said I love this world I love the three drink world that was my favorite world

and yeah I was just comfortable and I felt complete I really felt complete as a human being so alcohol was a tremendous power in my life I used to think of it as the secret of life it held all of the answers all of the power to make me enjoy this world and feel confident of myself and so on down

now the problem of course is that there was some side effects

king and I think alter my drinking years are trying to get rid of those side effects you know the

going to jail

getting in fights and losing your money and losing your car and your family doesn't like you they don't understand that you have come across the solution to life and they don't

I understand why alcohol comes ahead of everything

and I did I knew I came ahead of everything because without it I was back to where I was with all these problems and feeling uncomfortable so anytime somebody would say to me

you ought to just not drink I would say what you all said Hey you don't understand what you're saying and when you say to me don't drink

that's like me saying to you

all you have

cough a lot mmhm you have asthma don't breathe

you'll be fine

you know I mean to me drinking was breathing I mean that was how I survive so for someone to say don't drink that just took me back and left me totally unarmed unprotected

no power to get along in the world I was back just me

and it was overpowering and intimidating and so I never thought of not drinking I just thought of drinking different lead their drink different stuff

and as the years went on I got out of college I got in the marine corps became a fighter pilot now find these planes and got married had six kids got promoted to first lieutenant got promoted to captain and then I never got promoted again there was a

those bars I got but at that point in time if you were to look at this little track record you would go look at this guy he's just moving right along looks like well I wish I was him will you ever really gotten screwed on that way

Lou

it's real dangerous they want to be somebody else I'll tell you that system

but you know just like a lot of us that look good on the outside but on the inside it was just getting ready to totally collapse and it came a time when

I was shaking so much I was so filled with anxiety on the inside alcohol could hardly touch it anymore because now is having the physical withdrawal part of the disease and so alcohol was causing problems you know physical ones for me as I tried to drink more and I tried to hide it and I tried the lion and it was just a desperate situation

I went to see the doctors about him and withdrawal symptoms and airplanes which was very scary I would lose vision in sweat and shaken you know it's also not just didn't trust the pilot of the plane I was in which was me you know

I remember saying to myself I said you know this already is a very dangerous game

but you're raising the odds about twenty to one here

I can't see

I have an anxiety attack I mean that's not even supposed to be in the equation

and so I went to the doctors want and they were very upset

they examine me down in Pensacola what could cause this guy to have this loss of vision and heart palpitations and sweating in there I was the perfect alcoholic

shaking sweating smelling of alcohol and this was back in the dark ages before we had any alcohol programs or anything like that no there was no such thing as alcoholism as a diagnosis in the military

and so at the end of two weeks of studying me they came they left the top to the psychiatrist and they determined that it was a childhood fear of flying

manifested itself and that's how I I was written up the paperwork

he never should have been allowed to fly these last twelve years you know

and after three months the marine corps

gave me a new assignment you know here I was I was a washed up pilot and just in terrible shape so I was made an air traffic controller

now you know I shop a holic you're amazing because that's a very hard school and I made it through and sometimes make it through air traffic control school now I'm in charge of a little unit where overseas and

I can still remember I went over to Japan and go into this air traffic control unit in the woods new Japan and there was a

gunnery sergeant Musa senior non commissioned officer in the unit any so he just took one look when I walked in and he just said welcome captain here's a desperate everything's cool come down here anytime you want but don't go under the radar

he did not want me flying the plane into a mountain you know

so I just tried to show up at work for that year and that was my last year drinking and so that wasn't flying anymore

I drank a lot more

when I was flying I would try to not drink from midnight to six in the morning

and now it's kind of around the clock just maintenance vodka grain alcohol type sipping you know just this little bits going in there trying to stop the shakes and the nightmares and all the freaking out and I lost a lot of weight and I didn't want to be around anybody and I had malnutrition and just

a terrible situation and I was sent back to Quantico to go to a career school you know to become a general or something and

that was a a nightmare down there I'd started the hallucinations and the paranoia I would drive in the gate at Quantico and I'd look up where the school was in it wouldn't be there

when asked the sanctuary's junior school it's it's right up there capillary was yesterday and I

you know not go up there and I did it was just like it was real spooky and I go in I wouldn't remember where what class I was in where I sat when people get me that you know god guides the you're at this table okay aren't you know much less be able to focus on any of the material that was being presented

and then the major event was unlocking the combination lock on my locker

that was that we could have done a whole TV show on drug

me and my combination live

you know I mean I'd have to stuff written down because I couldn't remember it and they wouldn't work and then I knew that they were changing the numbers on

the drive me crazy because they knew you know there was this plot going on and got it was really scary

and I ended up having a seizure in that class

and just about bit my tongue in half and then I was sent up the Bethesda Naval Hospital

see what caused the compulsion

I was there about three days and they're studying me and always study into hard don't know what he's doing down there and I went into the DTC

and just freaked out and they put me in a straight jacket and lock me up in the network for six months you know just whom you're crazy you're in there

and

you know after I got a little bit sober and I've been there a couple of months then I knew I didn't really relate to all these other people who were in there

number three there were two other alcoholics and those people that were you know the manic depressive and schizophrenics and suicides and all that they really felt that we were imposters

we did not have a legitimate mental illness

they just said all you guys have to do is stop drinking

and I thought to myself no wonder they're locked up in here that

I think that's the answer to my problem

I know a lot of problems

and back in the nineteen sixty four

read fanning from Bethesda who's passed away maybe some year old timers remember read he had two other guys talked to heads the cadres that but this the Naval Hospital in to have an a a meeting

and so it's probably in

early November of sixty four corpsman came into the networks at all drunks pollen right face over to the elevator

and there I am in a meeting and I really liked it I thought those they told their stories and they were so happy and I just went up afterwards that did

give me a card or something I said if I ever run into a guy with a drinking problem

I am sending them right here you know

no I didn't have this problem

there came a time when I was an outpatient and then I went all the way down to Quantico and then drive back up every morning but I'll be home on the weekends and all that and that and I

end up having a beer on one weekend and coming back and they told me if I ever drank again that throw me on the marine corps and I thought they meant if I ever got drunk again that's a big difference there the throw me out and the next weekend I started drinking vodka and I smuggled it back in I headed out in the car

and I knew the psychiatrists were looking at me funny because all the paranoia came back then just slipping away on vodka

and so on the weekend of Pearl Harbor day December seventh nineteen sixty four I was home absolutely freaking out I mean seeing things and all this and I came up with the plan of joining a

the outside a a over the weekend and then when I got caught

which I knew was gonna happen I would blame on my problems on a I would say well you tell me to join a a I did look what happened

well I didn't factor in my sponsor into my plan

and when I made the phone call this big guy came over bill

T. who is still much sponsor he lives down south of Fredericksburg now

and he just came into my life and took over it was just like you know my name's bill this the twelve step call I talked you listened sent out

okay here's what we're going to do and I got my family and tell me about him and they all they didn't like me anyway and so they

it's terrible husbands a terrible father we all hate and we're afraid of amis you won't give us any money drunk all the time he's been locked up these awful

and I said now who's were you gonna take theirs are mine

they've got a lot of resentments and there's the you know

but then he took their word and

and we were up to a meeting and he just informed me would be going to meeting every night for ever don't even think about

some endpoint on this thing

and

we did thank god we went there he was over my house every night and we just don't drink

and I knew it hurt me if I did so it was a lot of fear of sponsor in the early days and pretty soon you know if it's over one year than sober couple years and then came time to

get promoted and I didn't get promoted then came time to get promoted the second year they get promoted and that means you get thrown out

so I had two years sobriety and bounced out of marine corps

and I had a big resentment I was I remember thinking well that what's this god stuff you know turn your life over that that is not the here's a guy eight of eight of us six kids my wife and I and I'm out and I got no money

that's what you get for going to a meeting every day Larry should heard me resenting this stuff

and so I'm up in Arlington we got a house up there and I'm trying to get jobs selling stuff that I don't know what and you know I

has been fighter pilot air traffic controller can do in Arlington

so I'm getting a real estate licenses stockbroker's license selling copiers I'm gonna write something and you know and I'm making no money and we're selling stuff in

and I remember just sitting around with this resentment you know go to a meeting every night for two years and you get thrown out of the marine corps and that was

I'm never bring it up at a meeting one time I never bring topics up in meetings I think I did it three times you know we're the leader says anybody got a topic and then there's that period of silence and then the main leader comes out well I got my hand up

yes well I like the topic to be getting thrown out of the marine corps

if you go to a meeting every night for two years

what about that

and the leader you know was gracious and instead of saying what he should have said he just said well we'll see we'll see what we get some thoughts on that and going around

some little wise guy over here so get through all the records from any prayer man that's what you got it

really

the next guy said thrown on the marine corps and double up on your baby's got a lot of time anyway

what you gotta do

you know some other Jr gets his hand up all thrown out in Rinker you got a sponsor a lot of people get new people I work with a man stop thinking about yourself

in the last guys that go to the twelve and twelve in the lambs them find the person Francis and just keep repeating it

see I was looking for a guy to say thrown out of the marine corps a talented man like you

how about being vice president of my corporation

now that would be a good solid advice

in health but what do I get

I just you know I feel like just changing groups

when I heard there

do you know about eight years later I'm going through a divorce it was the second time that I raise my hand at a meeting because it was so painful

so on their

then I got to talk to you

please leave me another god all my kids

wasn't the same people

well I'll tell you what happened here comes the hand can divert serenity prayer man

you can divorce you gotta double up on your main

you get the fourth you get to work with new people I with new people stop thinking about yourself

there

where St Francis was made for people going through the

and the last time was about five years after that

having a few financial problems and I'm talking to a bankruptcy lawyer I said that with all the sobriety you should not be going through bankruptcy once I said let's have a topic

long term sobriety and bankruptcy

you all know what happened see through the premium every time your background

double up on your meetings you got to double up if you're bankrupt you work with new people you work with new people because you're going to get spiritually bankrupt

N. as we all know the person Francis is tailor made for

so what did we get out of all this we got out the fact that in Alcoholics Anonymous we have one solution for all problems

the problems are relevant you know like Clancy has his Yamaha machines agents column and he puts the phone over there and the gun and then then I walked in the door

you wait twenty minutes and then you go okay here's the plan

serenity prayer double up on your meeting

so how in the world

how in the world could there be one solution for all problems that sounds like a pretty wild but not

well the last group of people that ought to be doubting one solution for all problems are alcoholics

this if I recall that was our model before we got here

I never remember having a problem where I said all right here's one I will not be drinking over

because drinking what's the solution for all problems didn't matter what the problem was the answer was going to go get a drink and think it over

I got to have a drink man I gotta have it didn't matter what it was flat tire getting fired going to jail

whatever it was you go out in the kitchen you get the glass you get the bottle

Gordon and you I don't know what the answer is now but I will shortly

only about the third drink there was the promises of bucket we will intuitively know how to handle situations

you just lower right in I don't know where that information came from but it just I know what any doubt anymore which is

because alcohol made me completely got me in touch with the creative side and I could think up it would overcome the fear that was blocking my ability to think and so there was one solution for all problems and I think that's what we have in here

is this incredible

power of working these twelve steps and I remember some of the struggles that I hand if there's new people here I'm just going to share some of the

hurdles that I had to go over and maybe you're trying to go over the same ones

and of course the first one was surrendering totally

and that this was a

easier for me than I realized because I was an out patient from the network when my sponsor got a hold of me and he kept pointing to my wrist bands anytime I would say well I think I think I

I don't think I'm really totally powerless and it goes

that

we don't want to hear from you you know what I mean

you see what this is you you're totally surrender you have as our chapter the gnostic suggested you have what we have then you may be suffering from a malady the only answer

for which the only answer is a spiritual change the only answer is a spiritual change number one you know understand it brought up Catholic the punishing god's guilt purgatory that stuff made me sick I quit I don't want anything to do with that so I'm I really don't want to get involved with that part of the program said that there is no other part of the program that's it that's the whole program

and I said well let's talk about you know I'm going to be coming to believe in a god and turn my life over just that the whole thought of that I mean it's just it's just too complicated

and I I just don't think I need to do that and so he said to me well

let's just ask a couple questions do you have god in your life every day now I said not no I don't he said how's it going

you know and it was gone bad and he knew it and also

then he said now you've been to the meetings around Manassas in falls church and

down in Mount Vernon group Wellington group in it although that's where we traveled from Quantico easy use all those people they are involving a higher power in their lives I think they look like they're doing and I had to get on this is that it looks like pretty happy they look like they're doing well

this is a let's not talk about theory let's talk about results your plants sucks

it may sound good all your words may sound wonderful but it stinks when we look at the results of your plan for a living and we tried to sell it put into a book would have to keep you up to cover

and then look at the results of a H. so he had me going on just your way is terrible this way is getting results so why don't you change your mind and so I started getting an open mind he wasn't talking about religion he was just talking about very practical thinking that life without a higher power was terrible and then I got into what is this higher power I was this date it's it Muhammad or is that a Catholic Christ or is it a Protestant Christ or is it Buddha I saw somebody read one of those Tibetan monk books the other day is that what it is I mean I need to know who I'm turning my life over to remember this great intellectual stuff what a waste of time what a waste of time but it was serious back then

and he said well look in your case why don't you turn your life over to whatever we'll take it

you we won't worry about what it is or anything like that

you see it isn't so much what happens on the other end that's important it's the important thing is to get you out of the way we gotta get you out of the equation you just turn it over

and I'm just gonna tell you you know but I'm slowly my resistance is weakening with this humor in this talking about results and not theory and all of that in it became

an amazing adventure

he said that my job was to record in my mind the results that I got from following these instructions

go to meeting all the time and see if you see any changes

a lot of times if you see any changes try these steps do an inventory

share with someone else do that do these things and then just see if in fact there are changes taking place in your life and you know when you're a skeptic in the beginning you attribute the changes to coincidences

all this what happened anyway

you know what I mean when you really don't want to believe in any of this stuff but after awhile it gets over powering

it just gets so that even as skeptical you might be it's hard to tell yourself that this is just a coincidence that I'm feeling better on the inside then I'm actually I'm not going to tell my sponsor but I'm glad I'm not drinkin this Saturday night you know I don't want him to find out

he might say I told you so

but I knew that something was starting to happen

and that's something that's happening

was my definition of a higher power

so if you were to ask me who my higher power is I would say it is the force that has because of working the steps have brought all this change into my life so that I feel happy from the inside out so that I see other people as loving people and I'm comfortable in this crowd of

human beings and I see the purpose in life and I see that there is a point to being alive and that things make sense I've been taken to a new vantage point where when I look out it's very full wonderful view as Chuck sees book a new pair of glasses that's what I've been given as a result of doing these steps and some power has caused all this to happen because there's no other explanation there just isn't so that's my definition of my higher power is just all these things must be due to something and that something is what I call my higher power

so these steps

are a remarkable plan

for each of us to use in our lives to replace the old plan that we had and it's from you know the struggle is getting rid of old ideas and I think sobriety for as long as I've been sober thirty three years and I'm still finding

some ideas that I thought up when I was ten that I'd like I haven't let go of yet because I thought it up you know I mean there's pride of authorship in all your ideas that you thought up even if they're dumb yeah I know they don't but their mind man their mind you know it's like that would be my theme song if I was still drinking I did it my way

then do an H. away I did it my way yeah I'm not children I'm in jail but

it was me that did it man I think it may help get in here

I went to the bottom of my own

you know and there was that

that pride of authorship in a terrible plan

and so if I were to try and summarize what do I think

sobriety as well I think the twelve steps are all about it may surprise you

that what I think

the point of the whole twelve steps is to remain undisturbed that's what I think the point of the whole twelve steps are Nick that's out of the ten step in the twelve and twelve

I really think that's the whole point

that if I put my focus as the tenth step suggests member the axiom in the toes if something disturbs us no matter what the because there's something wrong with us I remember the first time I heard that

wait a minute

the guy cuts me off I almost lose my life I get this Durbin is something wrong with me

please explain

you know what I mean and it was real simple yet it's not wrong with you what's wrong with you is your disturb

you're full of anger and resentment I know but the guy did

so this little axiom is not bad news it's good news because what it's saying is yeah we know that somebody did that but we can get on this third go right back to being serene without having him change anything we don't even have to involve him

we have the power in here

if you will set your goal to just get on disturb

because undisturbed to me means

there are no

character defects blocking the channel between me and my higher power

and when the channel between me and my higher power's open there's no such thing as a problem

it just simply can't exist

because god is more powerful than alcohol

and yet when we used to drink I can remember I have all these problems are going to a pharmacy you know some of the one two three and all of a sudden I don't have any problems anymore I was so happy god just full of serenity and they say what about that guy you're so mad at work on

we had a bad day he came in here now by Amit drink to a man we feel like this you can let everybody be wrong it doesn't matter

have the power to let everybody be wrong

and to not be the victim of everybody else out there you were a real live and let live and so this whole concept of setting a goal of spiritual goal of trying to remain undisturbed and whenever we get disturb stop and take the spiritual actions to become undisturbed go say the serenity prayer

as the problem process doing honest analysis of what happened if it turns out that someone else did something wrong we forgive them yes go ahead they probably had a bad day where they had a fight with their husband or fight with their wives or maybe they have money problems

and they're off the hook and I'm back where I was just coast along with my higher power

and what a strange concept always take responsibility for becoming undisturbed myself I'm not going to insist the somebody else get involved in this well that apologize then I'd let him go okay well it's gonna be ten years before they apologize

so you're going to stay resentful for ten years you're damn right I am man I don't

I don't let people off the hook you know I'm not

and there's a word the bill uses in our literature that covers the situations and if you go back and look in your big book you'll see it there more often than you realize he'll talk about a decision like that I'm going to stay resentful for ten years

and that the the sentence I recall is he says we were especially stupid in that area

because when you really look at that

to not let someone off the hook for ten years so you can stay resentful for ten years is really stupid

because this program is designed for us to achieve god's will to be happy joyous and free

and in my opinion it isn't

for this is just my own opinion it isn't that god's will or my higher power's a wheel is that I'm going to get this job and I gotta meet this woman and I'm gonna have this financial success and then I'm going to be happy joyous and free

what I think makes me happy joyous and free is being near to my higher power

and then there's other things may or may not happen but the source of being happy joyous and free is conscious contact it really is that inner awareness that I am already taken care of

then I already have access to everything that I need and then the outer world I'll give you an example that that I think has been helpful to me is everybody likes to talk about their resume

and there's the materialistic way of looking at a resume and then there's a spiritual way of looking at a resume

and so if you think about your resume what is a traditional resume it's putting everything on there that meat makes me look good

you know what I mean I will be I'm even join the PTA and I went to this school and I got this degree and I had this job being very good at working with people and selling or whatever it is for five years and I also studied all this I have hobbies of gardening and racquetball and helping little kids and I and I put it all down and when you look at this one I mean when I take it out and show it to the world it's a big pile of information about how much I'm worth

you know when you see this resume you gotta pay me about eighty grand man this is this is powerful stuff here so it's my resume is what I'm entitled to out in the world that's the traditional way of looking at a resume right up handed in they read it they go yeah we need this guy but look at that resume

now if we were to take the same thing and run through the steps

and then take a look at it

it would look like this well this piece of paper

is a list of all

of the talents that god gave me that enables me to be useful out in his world

I can contribute by doing this and helping people have better financial condition I can contribute by doing this I contribute by doing that and none of this is due to my

anything these were all given to be by by higher power it's our god given talents that enable me to be useful what a difference in looking at ourselves and the world when we go in word

to watch take a spiritual perspective on ourselves in the reason that it can happen here in the program is

without a higher power we need to resume to go out and have all our needs met

you know what I'm saying I need the job so I get the money because if I have the money I'll finally be happy

and I need the job so I get self respecting people's talk to me nice and then I feel better because people are telling me that I'm a good person

or something in society you know I finally got a position I am the vice president charge of this and when I have the vice president written on my chest here then I feel like I am somebody

but if we work the steps and we get close to a higher power our higher power tells us that we're somebody

we don't need approval from anywhere else on the planet

we have an inner stamp of approval

we have this big thing stamp right on our forehead child of god

I can't go any higher than that

what about vice president no that's way down below child

what about a big yacht millionaire way below child of god you can't get any higher than this this is the ultimate approval so as they say the program is like an inside job

if you're new you're going to go I don't think so

I don't think I'll be getting a stamp on the forehead from a higher power I can just hear two new guys after me when you talk about rubber stamps and there's a

yeah

child of god I'm getting out of here for the tattoo that I

this is certainly sounds far fetched

the idea

of having our needs met from the inside and haven't ate an awareness that everything is well from the inside out but that's exactly what the program is that's what conscious contact spiritual awakening all these jackpots that we get at the end of the steps really are