The 10th Chesapeake & Potomac Regional NA Convention

tractive

beautiful

wonderful people

you're my brother sister addicts

and

I owe my recovery

and my life to the fellowship of narcotics anonymous

that's why I'm I'm grateful enough to keep giving it away

even when it's not convenient

even when it's not easy

even when it's not simple

because

my life is at stake

the funny thing about giving it away

first they tell us that we can't keep what we have unless we give it away so you see a lot of people in the parking lots after meetings

say in

let me talk to

in

getting the newcomers giving them their phone numbers but not really knowing what to say

and

that's because we have an ulterior motive

we want these newcomers to help us stay clean and help us keep what we have

gradually though

we start doing it because we care

and then gradually we start doing it out of love

because we love narcotics anonymous and because we love the newcomer and because it's such a gas to share

there's few things more wonderful than having a message to give away

but you were there was a lot of people who didn't want to see my face in my use in days they didn't tell me keep coming back they told me keep going away

in

but by some miracle I've gotten to come up here to Ocean City

I came here from Miami where it's about eighty two in the day and seventy two at night right now

but I wanted to come to a beach resort where I couldn't go swimming and I couldn't go to the beach and I could wear bathing suits

I wanted to have that experience and I've succeeded

so

and I've I've been to this two two conventions in this region before I went to the east coast ninety one in College Park

very nice convention and I went to Libya ninety Ford Baltimore where they had me speaking I keep it simple

which

I'll try to do again tonight if I possibly can

I know a lot of you come from DC

more than a lot

I always love what John Kennedy said about

about DC

all Washington the city of southern efficiency and northern charm

you're welcome

okay

just last night I was taking the shuttle bus from the hotel over here

and I I sat by the bench and there was this guy who sat down on the bench

torn pants

and a plastic bag with a twelve pack in his in his lap

protective gear

and I didn't know what

why I was late for the speaker and I I didn't get a wake up call

but apparently at first it was to talk to this guy

for no apparent reason asked me where I was going and I told them I was coming here to the convention center to hear speaker

and

he thought that was a gas

I told them all about narcotics anonymous and he said oh I I tried the program for four years once

and that didn't work for me and now I'm taking the bus because they took away my car D. W. I.

and I told you know when driving becomes more important to than drinking they'll give you back your car

he said yeah you know maybe I'll come and see you tomorrow night

if you're here welcome

the war is over

when I got here

I was ready to hurry up here to hear the evening speaker last night and

there was a guy at the by the program desk we had about forty is clean he seemed to be talking to

so I spent a little time with him

in a little time turned into forty five minutes

I almost didn't hear them the speaker but about the tape but you wanna know something

sometimes it's more important to give a message that the here one

sometimes it's more important to give somebody else what they need rather than think that I know what I need

sometimes god sets up the timing just right

so that I'm there

and all I have to do is sit up and show up

and he showed me what to do

this is the sixth time I've had a chance to speak at a convention and it's it's a lot of fun

and people wonder if I get nervous yeah sure a little bit I know the guys here with me

just like us you're with you

so I don't have to be afraid as long as we follow this way

you know the rest and I bring notes because you know I I learned a long time ago that without notice I can get side tracked very easily because I got Dan branch

like like many addicts I know

I can talk about storm

and I can get way off to the left field

and it's not because I didn't mean well and it's not because I didn't mean to finish up where I intended it's just that I got a story

we all got stories

my favorite story for about five years there was about the flat tire every week that had me late for work

I had the same flat tire easily twenty times

and it's too bad nobody would call me on my stuff then but

you know

I've been told

that liberty is more fun than gravity and we have to lighten up

we have to enjoy our recovery

we have to laugh in fact one of the assignments I give my spot sees is that they need to enjoy stand up comedy at least three times a week

and cable in person whatever

they have to laugh

you know why because it breaks up crystallization

we get so stuck

eventually if we get stuck without either crier we got a laugh

but you know laughter is a lot more fun than tears so I opt for laughter

and I was told that I should offer you the obligatory addict jokes

that I sometimes are for the first one is what's the difference between an addict an alcoholic

some of you know this double steal your wallet but the attic will help you look for for half hour

how many addicts does it take to change a light bulb

no it to want to come up with the ten Bucks and the other promise to be right back with a light bulb

there's another completely different version how many existing to change a light bulb the answer is what do you mean change

and the last one is do you know what many addicts used for contraception these days their personality

then there's the addict who says to god

god what's a million years to you god says a second

the man says god wants a million dollars to you

god says a penny

man says god can I have a penny god says sure in a second

it's it's funny

in my reading that I I do a lot of reading and

watching the culture

and I tune into the internet I meet addicts all the time electronically which is really cool I've been on prodigy for three years I have electronic home group on prodigy and now in the news net called out recovery NA on the internet

I have met dozens of addicts from all around the world and it's really cool it's like a meeting in cyberspace

and we get to contact each other and shore up each other's recovery an offer each other suggestions like just like happens in my home group

there's this fellow Joe be from the United Kingdom who's posted a lot

and he said something really why is the other day he said in a way

is not whether we get what we want that matters it's how we deal with what we get

right I like them

it's an awful lot like a saying I've heard around these rooms here which is success is having what you want

happiness is wanting what you have

right

another added told me

that he uses this prayer

he he has this post at his bathroom that's right dear David thanks very much for your offer but just for today I will not need your help at running the universe love god

and there's another guy in my home group on recon prodigy who said his name is Ryan are wonderful man lives in Alabama he said it is my personal observation the most common difference between those that get this program and those that don't is the willingness to follow directions think about this when you begin to decide that this floor that doesn't apply to you

yeah I I used to hear people say take what you want to leave the rest that may apply to some of the suggestions but I don't think it applies to the steps

I can't afford to take what I want to leave the rest this is a package deal

there was also something I came across by here included so I guess he was an ancient philosopher he said those who are awake all live in the same world those who are asleep live in their own worlds

over two thousand years ago when he talked about us and about you but as a using addict I was asleep living in my own little world

now that I'm awake to the prospect of recovery

and the idea of spirituality I live in a world populated by all of you

we're in it together

in an attic right here this convention said to me today

the truth will set you free but first it'll piss you off

Albert Einstein said

the difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits

Ted Turner said if I only had a little humility I'd be perfect

elleni bruises and last one every day people are straying away from the church and going back to god

do you know my story isn't that much different from yours it's a little different I mean the details are different but the essence the same I used until I couldn't standardizing

I used until by some mystery that I can't figure out my eyes were opened and I was finally willing to say

I'll do anything

I just want to feel this way anymore

that wasn't the end of myself will it wasn't the end of my addictive thinking it certainly wasn't the end of my addiction which is still alive and well but it's under wraps

see I'm still an addict

and that means that like it or not I still have to practice principles all my affairs non addicts they can do what they like

but if I want my disease of addiction not to torment me

there's certain things I have to do

I was born in Canada in Montreal back in nineteen fifty when I was twelve years old and sixty two we moved to Florida

and all through my childhood I was picked on by the bullies and laughed at by the class never felt like I belonged I always felt like I'd been deposited here from Mars

in a lot of my fellow addicts also feel somewhat extraterrestrial

sometimes well into clean time I might add

but

you know I was always looking for something I didn't know what I was certainly interested in god that seem to be a solution

in fact I was the chairman of the religious committee in my youth group

a group of Jewish family everybody thought I was gonna be a rabbi nobody thought I was gonna grow up to be an addict

amazingly enough I've met a lot of people with very similar stories

you know we have deep spiritual instincts friend of mine in Miami and Karen says we're special people

see we're not damaged terrible people who we think we are we are really very special

we have a deep sensitivity

we have a deep desire for ecstasy and for realization

we want to be close to god and we thought the drugs were solution that's what I thought

I thought if I can get high enough policy done little couple times it works but I couldn't stay there

and I mean I used from nineteen seventy to nineteen eighty five

fifteen years

there's a few addicts I know

who got religion after they got clean and they talk about hello I don't have to talk about hell I've been there

not interested in hell

the top was at a certain point early in my recovery the drugs work just like they did for you

if they never worked we wouldn't kept using them

I've even heard Adik say thank god for the drugs they get me from committing suicide

for many of us this was true

the ease the pain when nothing else would

that's why in any we have no opinion about drugs

an outside issue

we do have an opinion about addiction

I used to dig deeply

I kept trying and trying to get back that high I get trying to escape trying to run away

never work just didn't work work the first time

but I kept trying to recapture that first time

that was my insanity

and of course I met friends

for the first time I had friends

what do you have how much do you have you had those friends

well the bottom came in the fall of eighty four the following eighty four I was in all contents in trouble

in several times I was fired from my job and had the lights turned out the phone turned off

in the of course I had a couple of tickets that I didn't pay because why pay money for tickets or for food or for other commodities when there's still drugs

so I was driving on a suspended license and one point at the very end I even got arrested for driving on a suspended license

I was never busted for dove amazingly enough from beginning to end even for all the chances I took

I can't explain why it was just wasn't my karma maybe

but

you know

I'm just so glad that life isn't fair

that is until me life isn't fair I'm so lucky life isn't fair

I will never stop going to jail for all this United

C. god gives us a break

we given in the men's process if we need to we can make amends for the things that we've done

well

I had a sufficient bottoms I'm a great believer is vision bottom after using for fifteen years most of the drugs you use I don't have to go into details

my life had hit the bitter end and my parents told me David we're gonna stop helping you unless you get help

so I went to a meeting and said I'm doing it myself

most addicts I know try doing it themselves

but

I heard a message

I went to a meeting call recovery which met at that time at the university of Miami campus

and recovery has very interesting format every week they take a step in the tradition

and the speaker speaks on that and then they break up into little groups and they have a more intimate discussion

and you know

this untouchable

intellectual

who thought he knew it all

side with addicts who I really believe we're staying clean

and had what I wanted

they told me keep coming back they told me I will love you until you love yourself

they told me never mind when using just show up

and they also told me don't leave five minutes before the miracle happens

I was grateful for that message

because I believed it worked for them I wasn't get confident they would work for me

I had to get beat up just a little bit more

and you know I I tell some of this just to show I qualify in California when you speak they see your qualifying at eight o'clock and I said for what

but this is their lingo

there was one time that I was hitting the pipe and I paralyzed my diaphragm

when I was lying on the floor of my bathroom for like three to five minutes trying to get my breath back and I said god please save my life

any did

gradually I guess my brother back

an hour later I was second in the damn pipe again

now

do you enjoy most addicts I know and to me that means I qualify

I qualify for narcotics anonymous because I'd been insane behind drugs

I let myself go crazy as a consequence of my addiction

well I had my ups and downs

and I'm very fortunate that just last week I celebrated eleven years clean

thank you very much

but I'm here to tell you that the real miracle is the first thirty days

and that's why we applaud sold so much more loudly for people with their first thirty days that we do for the old timers picking up medallions

because that's the miracle

a friend of mine told the story about how when he had like sixty days clean

this guy came up to him at the edge of the meeting saying you think this will work you think this stuff works

and he said I should ask me should ask those guys with all those years clean I just got sixty days

and he said really how did you get sixty days

and it was then that it hit him he hadn't had sixty days going in twenty five years

it's finally here in the near Glen happened

with the help of this program he did not use any about any way of life

this program is not just about coming to meetings and not picking up it's about like minded dalliances self society service and god

it's about coming to terms in making peace with all of those four things

it's about making the decision to include all those poor things not just in my prayers but in my teens

C.

society yes I need the society Michael weddings to show me what to do and what not to do

itself I have to be good to myself and sometimes I have to be strict with myself

service I can't live without service I've got to keep giving away

thank god has to be the center of my program whenever he's not that I am and you know what that means

see I'm I've been prodded a lot in my recovery sometimes I haven't had the willingness to change but one thing or another comes up

and it makes me change

I have been in business actually I'm third generation of the former business we're in the taxi business it hasn't been that good lately so don't be too impressed

but yeah

something strange happened a few months ago

back in December I had to buy it I I was riding my bicycle in university of Miami campus and I hit a big pothole

well I hurt my leg I've got a couple of tears of the tendons and ligaments in my knee in my knee

so I was laid up for several weeks and I might still have to have an operation

what scares me about the operation was not so much the cutting it was the drugs

yeah I didn't want to be put under and I do want to be on any narcotics and the doctor gave me something like aspirin which help the pain doesn't make me crazy doesn't stop the bad pain and such the bad thing is that the good thing that warns me

but

what happened is that

fifteen people

I told the story is that how are you well I'm fine for the nearby said

fifteen different people said oh I had the surgery

and I got through it fine

it's as though god put fifteen different people in my life to tell me don't be afraid

gotta be there with you things will turn out fine

last week

seven six of my seven sponsors through an eleven year anniversary party for me

I I didn't really know how to react that was kind of excited

kind of shy about it

it was fun watching my spine sees gold around the lie to me

but

it was beautiful to

I didn't realize that I had done enough to merit such an honor as having a dinner in my honor

and I told each of them

stick around and when you have eleven years we'll have a dinner for you too

at least I can do

so I don't wanna tell a long story my story is that I hit the bottom and I came back with the blessing of the comics anonymous

what really this is about is what we have in common

we have the disease in common

the disease takes part of obsession and compulsion and isolation and confusion

irrational fears you know I believe in good fear

I believe in the fear of the edge of the cliff

it's important for me to be afraid of things worth being afraid of

rational fear has protected my family for the last three million years we don't jump up and and from the tiger and say boo

but irrational fear is the fear of your friends

the fear that other addicts won't like you to tell them the truth

the fear that somehow you can't come to your home group and be honest we can't take your sponsor how you really feel feel as a rational fear

I've been told we're ego maniacs with an inferiority complex

we get our arrogance and grandiosity low self esteem

terminal uniqueness denial over control

self destructiveness bad attitude

it's a funny thing

when whenever we do the readings we saved more than anything else one thing will defeat us and are recovering people set up relationships with a set of drugs

I've been told that the one thing that will defeat is more than anything is a bad attitude

an attitude of indifference or intolerance toward spiritual principles is a bad attitude

and more than anything else I've got a listen when you're telling me

Trigon

in noble your spirit

I believe that the spiritual solution will work

the program is about simple tools and complex tools the simple tools are like keep coming back

call your sponsor

two ninety and ninety

and don't pick up whatever happens

the complex tools are the steps that the power tools

see I I can't build a house with a screwdriver

I'm gonna need a power saw at least

I can't build a structure of recovery would just keep coming back

I need the steps and traditions to build my house of recovery

that's how it works

there's a principle in every step but you know what there's an insanity and every step to that leads to the principal

the insanity in my first step was about denial

I wouldn't admit nothing

but you know the loan if you ever go to the movie theater they give you a ticket that says it meant one

when I admit who and what I am

the funny thing that's my ticket in

my ticket to recovery is admitting who and what I am and not hiding it anymore from myself

I've been told that

hope is the principal of the second step but it's hopelessness and despair and futility and madness that leads me to need

I didn't know how crazy I was

see I thought that just one more hit and all feel fine

self centeredness is the insanity that leads me to my third step

but I have to have faith I had to know that that god would be there for me when I couldn't be for myself

you know the

the problem with working the third step is that

I never want to make any decisions in fact across the county many times to avoid being a decision across the country wants to avoid making a decision

sometimes deciding not to decide is the decision

I was introduced to these steps probably five years before I actually found recovery

and I had his vision bottom

hello god as we understood him

doesn't mean anything mysterious

and people say how can I understand god we don't have to comprehend god

a guide you can understand as a guide you can use

a guide you can use is one whose shelter from the storm

the god I can understand is a god I can stand under

like an umbrella of grace

that god will give me what I need we'll show me what I have to do

as I move from self centeredness to god centeredness by trusting him with my life and with my will

I find that my life starts to work

and I stop vacillating I stop pretending that I still have a choice to make the choices been made I'm sticking around for the long haul

my insanity in the four step was irrational fear

I was afraid of looking at my life you know back when I

I've been told that an unexamined life is not worth living

well the life the days that I lied because of the steps and these traditions is worth living

my fifth step is about integrity is about putting the pieces back together being honest about who I am

we admitted to god to ourselves into another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

if if that doesn't say we took our four step two or sponsored read into it

says we admitted

the nature of our wrongs later my runs is insanity and self centeredness in every case when I didn't turn to god

when I didn't consider someone else's feelings when I thought I had a handle on everything

that was my insanity that was my wrong

the insanity of the six that for me is resistance

and I've resisted recovery I've resisted spirituality

I resisted

the

the good directions in the good suggestions of other people until I heard enough and I said I'm not resisting any world and then going to try and I'm willing to try it

I have the willingness finally

to give up the struggle

well what is getting entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character

it means

I will stand in the way anymore god

I will refuse to let this process where

I'm going to let you help me

and sometimes that's been shown to me by other addicts by what they've gone through

L. one of the things that sometimes bothers me is that addicts think you can only learn from your own experience

I've got a banking experience and all of you I can learn from your experience

if I'm humble enough if I'm honest enough

my insanity in the service that was arrogance I thought it was a very important adding

thank god we don't have any very important addicts

we just addicts

yeah I love it there's one guy who in interviews themselves as I'm really an addict

or I'm definitely an addict as opposed the rest of us we just faking it

or there was a

fellow who came to my home who said I'm a hard headed addicts and I want to shake him and say each month we're all hard headed addicts

that's why we're here

the software access to let users

the principal humility helps me overcome arrogance

so that I'm not looking down on anybody

one of the best quips I heard about that is that addicts are the only people in the world capable of looking down at others while lying in the gutter

what it really boils down to is what am I afraid of

am I afraid to admit that I'm human

I'm afraid to admit that I'm flawed at main street to admit that I make mistakes

when

yes at first I was terrified

I don't want anybody to know who I was

these steps gradually convinced me that god was on my side

they didn't have to be afraid anymore

to me the prince the the insanity in a stepwise shamelessness an anger and resentment

and I was told to make a list of all the persons I had harmed and became willing to make amends to the mall

which meant I had to become willing to ask somebody else to forgive me

that man admitting I done wrong more than wrong that I done harm

the harm I had done

was primarily the harm of not treating another person

as a beloved child of god

because if I forget that god loves you I'm apt to use you as though you're thing

C.

I had to remember the god loves me loves you too

and in the process of working in a step I had this list the people at harm

and forgive them in my heart for the harm they've done me

because I knew that would be a barrier before I could really make amends

the real amends I made were not that hard

it took discipline

see it's easy to do the things you want to do it's hard to do the things you don't want to do

and I didn't want to walk up to people say you know I did you wrong

I did you harm

and I'm gonna tell you I'm sorry because I'm sorry doesn't work anymore

see non addicts learn that after the age of nine I'm sorry and I promise are not magic words

but I'm an addict I was still using I'm sorry and I promise when I was thirty five years old as though they were magic words

it's a hard thing to get over

but my insanity then I suppose your responsibility an invasion I was trying to avoid dealing with the issue

the sanity came with discipline with doing the right thing for the right reasons

the insanity of the tens that was perfectionism

an inconsistency

we continue to take personal inventory what what's the difference being that in the moral inventory is not the same thing

my moral inventories inventory my moral decisions

of all the choices I made that may have been a moral or moral

but my ten step is about my personal inventory injury of my person

what kind of person do I want to be

do I want to be the person I always was what do I want to be the person I always dreamed of being

I do a very simple ten step with some of the new sponsor a is I tell them do you do something good for yourself today

do you do something good for somebody else today and if you do something good for your recovery today

if I did those three things I had a good day

in fact I had a wonderful day

if all I did was something good for myself today I had a half **** day

just for today

I can give it away

god is there with me giving me the strength to give it away

I was told it

the principal only eleven steps awareness we seek through prayer and meditation

and we ask god for the power to carried out awareness and power

the powerlessness that I exist experienced in the first step is not a good thing

people say I'm powerless

as though that's a good thing what's a good thing for me to recognize my powerlessness over my addiction because it has affected my life in many ways

but it's not good to stay powerless

this program gives me power

it gives me god's power it gives me the power of conscience and it gives me the power of consciousness

but it isn't automatic I have to work in

the awareness comes by seeking to know god's will

and the power comes from asking the parity carried out

so the power that was taken away from me by giving it up in the first step is given back to me on god's terms in the eleven step

that's what we have to look forward to

the problem in the twelve step is selfishness

all my life it was me me me I I I but enough about me tell me what you think about me

the twelve steps says three things that we had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps

that's like the closest thing we have to we guarantee

if you were the steps sitused lead to the best of your ability you had an awakening of the spirit

this means to me that I'm no longer

thinking like an ego

the eagle like the mind is a good servant but a bad master

so instead of being ego centered if I'm spiritually awake I'm god centered I'm thinking what does god want me to do

and we tried to carry the message to addicts

we carry the message we can't hear the attic

I'm not responsible for what you do with the message

I can't afford to be codependent anymore and carry you say and spoon feed you

but I try to practice these principles in all my affairs which means

no recovery doesn't stop at the door my spots used to have a job he said

that

he said god

I'll trust you with all the other stuff but I'll take care of the important stuff like sex and money

one

it works for a while two we can't stand it anymore

and then we give that up to

one of my spine seizes a romance addict

he doesn't want to just fall in love he wants to be head over heels in love he wants to be falling off the high dive

pledging to see a romantic ecstasy

see the problem is that the disease doesn't sleep

guy used to come to my home Rubin said the disease was up a half hour before me and had coffee mate

unfortunately it started getting up an hour before and because he stopped showing up

it wasn't emphasized how important working is that the steps where

or how we can use the traditions as a way of dealing with reality as well

see the steps keep me from committing suicide in the traditions give me from committing homicide

I had to learn how to deal with people

I had a practice principles like unity and mutual respect and belonging and right desire

and purpose and compassion I won't go into all the traditions now because frankly you need working with your sponsor

and if your sponsor isn't helping you with traditions prod him a little or her

is half of our program

is how it works

I just want to talk about any misconceptions little

people told me that fake it till you make it

I didn't sound right to me

I've been thinking things my whole life

then I found out where that really came from the said act as if you had faith in faith will be given unto you

that made a lot more sense act as if your faith based person act as though god is already working in your life and miracles happen

then there's added to tell me twelve tradition means you can say that your here but you can't say I was here

that's probably a good definition of anonymity but not of the toll tradition