The Northern Lights Recovery Group in Wasilla, AK

good evening my name is Rana and I'm an alcoholic

I was then used to be able to quiet people down when I introduce myself because most people can't pronounce my name

I did a pretty good job

so yeah I said I'm an alcoholic

first of all in front of my soonest omitting

when I was twelve I don't spend too much time on my drinking story because it's too long and too many places and too many people but

the first eight years of my drinking

what kind of

well I guess I was young but if you A. it isn't

does the first time I had a drink

something dramatically changed I don't believe that I was born in alcoholic and and if I had never had

sip of alcohol I'd probably would never did not become an alcoholic from the moment I had my first drink I did I was definitely an alcoholic and that's All I Want to do

so I spent much of my teens trying to

get boobs and get rid of this

drinking recalling or whatever it was

a day time of fifteen hours I would say I was a full blown alcoholic where I would start drinking and I wouldn't I I never knew when it would stop sometimes it was a just tonight and sometimes it was a weekend or something was it you know I think my first week staying drug was when I was six years old

I started running away I'm not running away from home but I started leaving because you know someone else is much better than about where I was and

at first I was fifteen

I went to a boarding school well you know I wish and that's kind of part of my story I was kicked out of school

hello to our another school boarding school that's I was also kicked out of

and that's kind of my story goes that way I went to a different town because it was hero then when I lived when I was seventeen and

they fired me from the job I was working in the kicking out of the town so I decided to go to another country and went to Denmark and

which is cool there well actually they didn't find out of the school but they keep no damage was done

so by the time I was twenty

my future was so bright

I couldn't keep a job

I couldn't keep a place to live

I didn't know how to lead I just you know all I had was a lot of that

a lot of people that

didn't care too much about me and and he was just miserable

I didn't think I had a drinking problem but I had some kind of anger problem I just seem to go together drinking and and and getting angry so

chucked it and I said that time Juno may or something of eighty two I was ten years old I started working in in a in a restaurant is a fine dining restaurant and we didn't have a little bit different system back home and a lot of European countries actually want to work in a fine dining restaurant you have to go through a transition

so I signed up for that

and just to think of putting on the on the bow tie and wedding would succeed of something happens

L. and walking around with all that fine wine and liquor store and all that stuff and and then you know I actually had been a commercial fisherman most of most of my life until then

and this is the communication is totally different

on a fishing boat and a fine fine dining restaurants and it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't so much a problem with regulated to customers but my coworkers they didn't like the way I was

and I like this new life I like to tie into like the stuff and so and I knew that I would you know I would drink a way out of this and I would I would

you know

find my way out of a job and so I decide to stop drinking when I was first my first attempt someone in the summer of nineteen eighty two I've been listening to a first a meeting on December sixth nineteen eighty two

so and this started my second phase of my drinking the drinking while he may

which lasted for about twelve years

every time I came in I stayed for a year or more than those two and a half

I was introduced to the fellowship all because none of us it wasn't until nineteen ninety four and I was able to stick to the program oncology numbers and those two are completely different thanks they go out together but they're two separate things

I did everything I was told to do when I came into a

a lot of things I was told to do these didn't have anything to do with being a college you know

take a walk and think about your feelings or

you know just talk about it whatever it is she did a lot of different things I just didn't make any sense but I did them both and and one thing that I always did when it came to a was hello I want to look sharp and I want to have a job and I had to have a car that I would go to another job and whatever and always waited for that recognition that somebody would talk about up to me and say Hey you okay you're going to be sober and I was kind of you know that was the thing and then I can relax and

but every time I got drunk I was you know but the tribe in a a guess is stark stock rating sober

one of the times I remember I was working in a restaurant

the raiders we had only owned on the boost body from the house and then sold it and opened a bottle of rum it was nine o'clock ten o'clock whatever hours later I had drank the whole bottle it's a fifth around

so before you have the time

and it didn't make any difference

and I didn't think about it you know in two months later

end up with a gallon of blood can out some out on the town and when I was down the shoulders of that that's when I finally relaxed and this tells me that the condition I was in

video it kind of the insanity comes to mind

I had no idea

I knew

I know short notice that if I just figured out how to drink I would be okay

and those who figured out that if I just

if I had the right job you know

right girlfriend

I don't know it's just I was so certain that it was the scene that would make it okay

can I change that

and the drinking was you know I never believed that the drinking was really problems through I forget which could figure out how to do that

I had this

I'm not gonna spend too much time on my drinking story it's you know I end up

I moved from Norway after I did so before yet another time unless it's an eighty seven may second nineteen eighty seven and I started drinking may second nineteen eighty seven

I stayed drunk Laura for four years and stop drinking in ninety one

back to a

and it went to stopping and then I remember waking up and it was like the first thing I sensed was whenever I was like yeah it's time to do something

and and there was yeah I guess physical reason I was talking to I was pretty heavy and you know and

not feeling good whatever

hello and really tired and everything which I had a good job of well paying job and and I was keeping it and of course I had the perfect balance she was just she was just making all working you know and she was paying the bills and she was keeping a track of me is making sure that I came home and she was making excuses for me and this is the perfect world you know

then I wouldn't have lasted long without her help

so

June twenty four nineteen ninety one stop drinking and estates over two and a half years and in the meantime I start the process of coming over to the states in the ninety three September actually in September eleven this is strange February zero initially we moved to to the to the states

and I'm a this this thing over not having any medical defense against the questioning I know the feeling I know how that feels then I started happening then September October of ninety three I see started moved to a different venue was gonna drink and I knew I couldn't do nothing about it I have no difference

and always what I did with her was I I started telling her I started convincing her I started telling him the idea that now she

finally here in the states you know it's a different country you know and and I've been sober for two and a half years is going to be told if

this time I can handle it

and to prove it went to this place called the spot and and la Hoya California and I had

M. I. close the place and I had a shot of him being

nothing happened

three days later I was in the bar it was working in the restaurant cross the street I was in the bar

and I've been able to have flowers in the box that was twenty

twenty three

and that's what it was you know put it in the next few months every time I came to work at eleven thirty AM and stayed with two and a half hours and I had twenty twenty five weeks

and

I drink every day I got up in the morning and I went across the street and had a

bottle of wine and a couple of connection and I went to work and I started drinking at work and I drank into the night and then when I was still working and I

Jennifer started drinking significa sixteenth I I met a woman in the bar and and a vehicle with her and I never came back to my life again sh hi this fantasy of how how how much perfect drinking I was gonna be in it was going to be me and the talks Udo's

two women in each side

and drinking champagne you know and it's just now is the picture perfect fantasy of of how it's going to be when I figure this thing out

so my last drink

she I was close I almost made

when I woke up June twenty fourth nineteen ninety four

so she went to see a

and I called my new

to be ex wife

she's she's on the other side of the phone actually woke up in my ex wives

sell this the two women were there they touch it was there

the champagne was probably some of it's in the system but

it wasn't exactly the way I imagined

so that I am

and I always you know city because I was twenty when I came in and

a lot of people said you know you need to be on

and I I believe that for you for the next five years I believe that I was too young to stop drinking

and I realize that's thirty two that I wasn't

if

so the one that I wanted to live with us she said I packed the stuff and I don't want you back unless you stop drinking and when I didn't really reverse she didn't

so I told I wouldn't drink so I could come back home

and I didn't want to stop drinking I had no desire not none whatsoever

for the next five or six weeks every day I promise myself I'll drink tomorrow

please I just knew that you know I couldn't stay sober No Way

and it's a tricky deal because tomorrow never comes you know because it's today and I can bring him on I thought last like I say five six five six weeks then it's like

going to do and I can go back today but I know I know that it doesn't work

so

thank you know it's a place to hang out right

you know you want to cheap coffee and

some conversation it's a place to hang out I'd done that so many times

people

saws securities

and it

and

for the longest time you know that's just basically what it is during those hours of doing things I've been taught to do in a he's kind of

talk about the mess in my head

here just take as much time as I could from the meeting and just talk about that mess and listen to other people talk about the same mess

and hopefully you know come out of the meeting

he quickly depressed as it came in a little a little bit less depressed

hopefully everybody

more depressed

then somewhere along the line a guy in a meeting catches my attention

he talked differently and just walk differently and just had something

and I wondered what he had had asked somebody was going to meetings and he told me his plans meetings

hi I am

California and that's not going to

and I don't know about you

I was

Eddie intelligence

when I stopped drinking

probably

one of the smartest people as to what to walk this earth

and I have a great understanding of very complicated

formulations things suggestions and philosophies and stuff

just about a new everything

and strangely enough I didn't impress these guys in the men's meeting

and I was actually in one of these meetings I was actually told to sit down set up I've heard a lot of people say that but you know I know the feeling this

I had a choice I could go back to the meetings

I hope that I would just stay equally depressed

so I did go to these meetings I had something I wanted

and I debated at night and I did go back and I did try to do with the way I know Neil fox

and then I got coming slowly

I think the term is desperation

you know which is the best place I've ever been he added if you haven't been there yet you know I hope so you know hope Jordan and you make it there

so I started

it's going up to what you know what you know what they had and and

it's a strange thing to

there was no way of knowing for me to

get a word in a meeting notice I was not going to be playing that I couldn't raise my hand because the world some of the meetings you know those days were cherry picked there was folk

and they don't give me

they didn't know how much great many great things I had to say

and something happened in in one of these meetings that were true mass meeting that I actually was going to a lot and and the one of us fairly big hundred twenty hundred thirty guys hello is probably sixty seventy half who was former fitness center

what a strange thing happened one of these meetings

suddenly my head was quiet

because I wasn't anticipating

having to

let you know from inside you because I knew the restaurant calling

and that was amazing there was a spiritual experience you know the first time probably ever in my life my head was quite

there were a lot of different things in here a lot of different actions from a lot of different guys I sure hope you know it would be a great great

thanks hello deal with it just one thing from one person would be enough for an alcoholic to get it

but most cases that's not the case

but in my case

definitely not

one of the one of the gentlemen he

I tried to talk to he can he just looked at me like I was you know I don't know why he did what he just did one talk G. six

turn away instead of talking to somebody else

one of the walked up to me I think this is close to nine months

he will talk to me and I told you earlier I always waited for that the pool in a and and and and I can I I noticed that he was looking at me and I was expecting that you know

he was going to be it and he was going to be the one that said you know yeah you made it in a you can see sober

and finally he **** up to me in the eyes as his time might

what time do you get to get drunk again

I just walked away

I would choose this you know that that I'd been for these months and had done nothing had he planned to be tended to know everything and you know

and just played it cool or whatever it was I was trying to do and he just

he knew what was up

because I did the only thing about going with this thank god she was resent

there is so helpful Allen's of Brady

I started paying attention I I I had made few attempts I think it was two guys that I asked to be most boys and we just didn't work out in the night what's this gentleman and I said no problem and and and funny thing about that guy was a he never had time

I even calling here from Alaska I can study coming up shift fashion and so I could see that the regular phone calls in the last long this phone call was like five minutes I never talk to one of five minutes

and and then you send it by heart and they were you know you you know what to do call me anytime it's in the book you know and that's basically what it was you know it and what he told me there in the beginning was

what is all about step three she need to take a look at those first three stature let me know when you're ready

S. H. hill I always knew what to do and I couldn't I couldn't study you know

I just couldn't stop asking for help when you buy something starts happening you know and and I think the biggest deal

she there's one thing that we definitely do not know when we get in here and that's

this idea might be wrong

it's this idea of surrender

I heard people talk about

thirty two the long time to figure out I had no clue I have no clue what that was all about

and there are few things that I had a hard time saying I'm definitely

and she

when I came in today this time around I didn't want to stop drinking and and I did not believe in god

and the proof that you know that doesn't matter

it doesn't really matter

but I have this theory and and I tested regularly that

all the people in a a that continue

that chi

but happy joyous and free

they've all reached the same point file desperation is kind of the road but we all reach that same point reading I don't hopelessness

he cried out

to god that we don't want to deal with

all we want to deal with it so whatever the case may be and say help me

and and everybody seems like everybody else has gone through that same moment

I did happen to me even though I didn't want to be gotten a didn't want to be there got

I had to I had no place left to go

I tried everything else

and I tried to figure it all out

and I tried to do it fix it make something

strange thing happened

she and of course you know not wanting to believe believe in god I do not believe in miracles either so

so

when this thing happens that the obsession is removed

a miracle in my mind because it never left

and some other changes that happened after that Hillen moment and ask god for help

I became willing to do whatever I had to do

I have I think I've lost the number I I had the big book a nice landing from nineteen eighty four

probably bought it in nineteen eighty four

so it's been with me

many times I looked up but you know chapter five how it works you know it's like I I've never read the manual anyway but you know if you can read the manual you probably wanna figure out how it works

and so I read that many times and this time around I figured out maybe I need to stop it before the back of the ship I mean that's a better idea

and I've got my I have a

when I started reading the book this time around I had a pocket edition

he went with me everywhere I went you know and

and I started reading the marker and and it's been interesting because I can see what I was reading the you know the first time around and there's three things that I marked

and the first thing is in and in the sixth chapter that's when I started reading

because interaction everybody's talking about action action action you know either read that chapter you know

the clue must be there

for god's sake it

but what they got in that chapter thank god this prayer can you believe it they have to stop the maverick

so I marked that you know because I was going to point it out to somebody

thank

and now I'm reading the book back with so I I go to chapter five

hello this is a prayer their true Sharma you know

why doesn't have to always you know get that stuff mixed together

Sir Martin and then I'm reading you know non reading books actually so I get to chapter four and and you know if any of you read chapter four if you're anything like me

it's gonna have a problem affect

but it didn't have any effect in the beginning until I start reading I don't know if I can find it

to take a book because I could find it I I right away but it says something about

yes we would be able to read the whole thing

instead of regarding ourselves as intelligence agents spearheads of god's advancing creation we are not sticks and atheists choose to believe that human intelligence was the last word the outside of the omega the beginning and end of all rather reign of us wasn't it we have a leader who have traveled this dubious path thank you to lay aside prejudice

no problem there I have no prejudice what so ever I don't care what color sexual preference whatever it is

not me

but there's a comma then goes on

he even against organized religion

yeah

but you have to do is to

at this point I was convinced

so what I did I started in the beginning

and is another remarkable books

and of course I guess it helped because I was convinced

I was walking around with a lot of guys that

I believe that

I believe they had been but they told me that they have been and I believe they were told they were I believe that it was genuine and I believe that they they had their lives at that you know and it was no doubt about it it was just being around it was good Helen and they have something I want so I believe that and I know that he knows that all the men that I gained a trust you know trust enough to be willing to let go of whatever I had to let go of

to be able to do what I had to do

and it's an interesting

little book

and I don't know C.

Moustakas guy gets a lot of guys go through the night you know I was a loner I just I I never I don't know if you ever started a new job you know did you ever ask directions no you know as a key area do you know how to do it sure and then I spend the day just sweating figuring out how to do it you know and I can ask anybody

and of course in a I'm going to do the same thing

but in this case I have this phone so that you know that I'm done I'm trying to ask him and he always tells me you know you know what to do it's in the books and book

and I have no idea but for me it's it's finally done on me maybe that's what he was suggesting

or or maybe maybe a

what was said he just didn't have time to get what I what I think it was suggesting at least what it would effect it was having on the west side whatever it is wherever it is I have no idea what it is in the book for you I couldn't tell you to read it you know even against organized religion and I would make a difference for you but I had a profound impact on me tweeting that so it's in the book but I don't know what page I don't know which line he says in the book for anybody

federated carried

so

I was raised in Houston

religion

she stayed in church is not separated I sent

and then I had a it was a passion it was a passion

my hate towards Christian religion

it was it was suddenly preventing me to

two one

blasphemy was a hobby

so I like to do the same thing with a there are certain things we don't talk about playing

but that's my experience

I'm not sure how far reaching okay I have to say this

being able to first time to sit down and tell my deepest darkest secrets to somebody

have a laugh at me

duck doubles for freedom

when I was doing that for stats and getting the same directions and getting tired of it you know what to do with him but

I finally figured out a few things

and

one of them was

that is probably a good idea if you want to understand the staff working on is the need to stop following

and but the talk about insists that is you know

I admit to god for socializing being the exact nature of much of my run

so I really realize that that's what I was looking for

yeah and

and I started looking for it

and and something strange happened I realized that

that I had all this she I thought it was because they talk about the social path

which was called a psychopath unless changed

not a sociopath and I thought it was a sociopath

I thought you said I did you know I just didn't see what was the right thing

and I didn't know I thought you know that's a sociopathic I realize finally that

I was not I always knew and I have always known the difference between right and wrong

she's the fear was preventing me from doing what is right and for me that was you know I was one of the things I discovered in writing the first step and I was amazed

and the exact nature of my runs it it somehow when I start seeing that my defects

everything following becomes much easier because now I realize that people are pissed off at me because of what I was doing and by defects causing all this behavior

I A. R.

what's the status did I understand the limits no no clue

read my life was changed lives out session was removed so I come up to Alaska this is the second time I called the last guy in probably ninety six and I go out to the bank she again women six for a recap season and on the first day of the season this mass my finger

and does intend to sticking out and and and

I have a license I'm a Viking I'm not gonna give up

so I don't and

I'm in pain

I get tendonitis in my left hand and you know and I'm miserable and

and

I start picking at this guy

because I need an outlet

I called losses in H. the only one I remember is probably the nicest one monkey boy

but some that somebody in this whole whole process I I'm in his face

speaking a lot and not too loudly so everybody else can hear

and suddenly dawned on me

he's from a Mexican

certainly does and he doesn't understand a word of English

through my head the senior character defect

because I didn't read this it's out of the suburbs of too much but this time I decide yeah I'm gonna check it out

the first sentence and six staff

this is the staff at seven boys women into okay I got it I got it

so

I found out that day the book they they had some it's much faith in the book that they willing to send it out

and we talk a lot about that

here you have to go to meetings you have to have a sponsor a lot of things you have to do and I don't believe that

I think if you have an opportunity to go to a meeting

why don't you

and if you have an opportunity to work the steps is somebody

do it

but I was unveiling she for about six months when I made maybe three three meetings all ahead which the chairs and chairs in the book and and and I believe that the sentence you don't burn the ideas of consciousness of every man that he can recover regardless anyone call you need to do is to clean house Truscott and I believe that that's the essence of the program and that's what I need to do I need to clean house in the trust god I don't need anything else everything else is a bonus

so June twenty fourth so well you know it's later in ninety four I get introduced to the program because numbers

and I'm so convinced today that you know

there's so much difference between the fellowship and and and and the program

and that that I have a responsibility not only responsibility because I've gotten the life that I never expected I would get

I was what day categorized as a hopeless helpless trickery don't know if you know what a hopeless helpless against but I imagine

I did not believe that anything was going to change

but everything S.

Hey this idea has given me

something so worthwhile I can never paid back and I'm so happy that I can

I can make attention I will and I will continue to do whatever I have to do

Kelly message to do what has to be done in a

I will be available to her anymore anyway

this was possibility I have to do what I have to do

and

and I have to make sure

she it's none of my business for everybody else too yes but I have to make it make sure that the message as I understand it comes across because I know

that's how I got it the demand that shared their experiences they were totally different

and it's our common responsibility make sure the new messages there but we don't get stuck in

in the wrappings in how we do things

that that is making sure that it's about Oct another alcoholic talking to Annika

current alcoholic talking to another alcoholic

what has happened

I started college no forty

how is always on my way to college

but

it's taken me I'm I'm a dear some some months sober

it's taken me all this time to figure out I'm not going to use the word that I was thinking of it that I was really in bad shape

I had no clue I had no clue that I had no social skills I had no clue that it was so full of myself right right that I could not get to choose your text Jessica anyone

I had no clue that that I was in such bad shape that I just didn't know how to live my life I'm still I'm still baffled at the state

I was in

and I didn't have a clue

Hey as as as giving me this opportunity

to make things right

it is always a give me an opportunity to to share this the participating this

and

I always get a Mason I think about a case I spent twelve years in a

when I came this summer and I had had no faith whatsoever this is going to do anything

if you knew a lot sooner

the fellowship

that's a bonus

make sure to get to know people get some phone numbers and call and people

and it's also our responsibility you are here you know that make make sure that people believe the numbers that the day you know that they get the safety net

but also

because this is my experience if you have to go somewhere and you don't have a meeting

it's okay

all you have to do is to trust god

four things I'm gonna

shut up Sir

four things I've heard a lot

it was don't drink

the house has got to help us

for me that's the mantra that's what it's all about

hello thank you for allowing me to do you think you underprivileged for other vital to speak and thanks a lot