The Texas Roundup in San Antonio, TX

really I

because I didn't know I was going to be able to learn more

it is more about modern life a little bit older not really riser

yeah

one of those things I think people

really work

very early on that I would

twenty

when I realize that every time I drank

well I got

about

you know you're

I had blacked out

I grew up in a very small

my mother's family farms are

it's got

anyway

I don't ever remember my father getting

tells me when they were running around

but I don't remember that

good morning hello

that's on my life

and

I think

I need a growing level in my bag

yeah

this is my

the last thing was going to go to

and I always felt I just had to get out of there

right

I was

we took responsibility for what was happening it wasn't very

my father was

and that you have not

and

he prays for our

and then if you

hi it was about

a carnival

it was

and we live very well the only problem is that most people

and that it has like other friends of mine and they have a right

islands in the middle of the night

and then I

but my mother's family you know

every everything right yeah you were terrible run

and if you didn't do it you got it cracked open

I don't know how much my mother and I

there was a company around and everything running

and I

and I guess I was a little

I remember getting drunk

my grandparents farm and the primary

where they came because

although my grandfather

anybody out but

the log cabin and

and

well it was everything that was wrong everything was being done

I don't know really what I

I did perform the

yeah we're

right now my mother was always saying when when things are going right

like your father

you know she pushed me

and you know I could never figure it out

right

comedian and so there was a lot of money

there are like a lot of comedians

people don't

you know they do our thing

and so right now the number really spoke to me and

and I just found out last year's

even though he was in the house rejected in a band

I grew up in and I really did think I thought he was making my mother

he also did something absolutely verboten

and they will be in the color of our house for my grand

and so all the windows are blacked out you know it was just like what

yeah we were never supposed to tell anybody where my father was when he was down there in the

we have very respectable neighborhoods

yeah my mother

everything and

I heard there was a there was a little

in our

that was

unfortunately the

we're in the middle and I don't know why they call it

all of the Anglo Saxons

lived up on the hill and so we lived up

now the price

everybody

their money and none of the

without money but you know everybody inside

and when we get

my mother I don't know why we don't have

when I was about

no matter what

using the

everything

well we don't have the

I remember having a very bad depression and I must've been about seventeen sixteen seventeen

very upset with me

because only right

we don't have

thanks so

although I had been acting from the

smile on my face I knew I wouldn't have any of these things and I know I

there was a computer later on it was

I grew up I was a frightened

and yet I knew I had to do everything because nobody in our family

I got it all right but

I was not able to grow a little

and we're doing and I was too young to get a job when I graduate

I took a course in heart

even before I was over the war World War two was coming out and I wanted

I just want to get away

I always like going outside I knew I knew I guess yeah but I really didn't want

and you know

right down the line are going to grand

a couple of belief to beat me up when I heard the word

you know I think

I always go on the way home instead of walk on the sidewalk in front of everybody and I can

all right

I really did

I never took

right

there are we really we had and we have to do the

I don't know what we

my father my mother didn't want to go to

there wasn't a brand

yeah it was really

and we are never going

it was I don't know whether I'll go

part of the

so there really wasn't that much drinking going on

absolutely

my grandfather was a mean

I was afraid of him and I was also

nearly

I didn't get very much affection and I remember really wanting

yeah

my mother when I was doing everything right really brought up by

right right right

and am I going to get

and we pay

but you know there was a afternoon

the afternoon

you know my

from the young

because my father and mother didn't get spending money

and everything and I

the one thing I

I had to work and I work all right now

everything that I really

and I

please everybody everybody happy and many times it didn't work and I really

but I did get a job

people at the border and immediately you know it was working around the clock because they were getting ready sorry ladies already in the

and they were sending in extra

and then you know I want to be real not

because I didn't want anybody to know that I was really

well

like that so I went down

I think then I'd be lying

England

you know it's not going to be a because I could get in

it was a frightening experience for me because in the first

I never heard English

we're going to whack me over the head

the funny thing is I got to Boston from

I mean when the

it was an office

I didn't see

and I want to go because

you are

you know what I really learned how to drink

and everybody was drinking I was right I was very young

yeah and and I love it I really doubt

I'm not like somebody I was still trying to masquerade

I guess I I got engaged a couple

before the invasion of the announced I would have the nerve

the funny thing is

working for my

he asked me to go out and grab

I should have known something happened because of this

when I was young and

and

I thank the gradual

well the sexual things he was saying to me you are the gathering you are making me you know I really believe and

really turned me off

in Arlington the ghost like blast

Acinetobacter department of our

and I end up in bed with

what the hell is I didn't I didn't understand

yeah

I'm going to

I didnt lines and say

really

I thought it was I thought

and the only later I realised acting

hello connect a little

it was in thank you ma'am or Sir and and I really like the other thing is I found that I

what I will and I are right and I was more into me as it was getting more

the end of World War

in the end right I did go to see by the way I got one of the three I love being at I did not like

it

the the didn't have doors on them and I was unable to use during the day I would have to wait

in there I don't know what was going on in the night away

but I don't want anybody to see my body and I didn't see anybody else body and

well I

right

the movie actor and singer and I started working part time for him another moonlighting

I also

some of the other

one night I went out with them drinking when they gave us by the way and are they going to gave our I had

and

one night I got

and

these people were invited to go

they were already

I'm sure

are you ready to do anything and I and I enjoyed doing anything wrong and I didn't have very many integrations and I work this out

it was about two or three o'clock in the morning and I'm sitting in the kitchen of the house

and then having your hearing

with our group

I walked in and we all over

and I really

hello

and I spent two weeks there and nobody knew where I was

well

supposedly the

now

maybe you are looking at it that way but you know I really do not

not really I was

it is

go for it and

some of the people got

well actually taking

and we're all guilty and I was supposed to be here I was given six months

right

back in nineteen forty

okay and then your

well

and

so they removed me from the Charleston

I renamed

I was not able to leave that place because you know most people they were described

right

being a

hello

okay and they were

and it was

and then I have to go to trial

they've got somebody who's got my my name's Clark

when he asked me to stand up and I didn't

no evidence

back in

yeah

in

I said I hadn't been drunk I never would

while I was in

I've taken it

the guy

in

and we were really question the driver

and believe me

one nine

not going to drink anymore and

and today I got

I can't

I knew that I really have a problem

the only thing I knew is that I

and I went back that little town in Connecticut and I can only have a long day and I went off to New York

and I went to work

singer and actor

you know

really not a place to go when you don't want to drink

and

every night

a big party

and on the

I can

it was all right I didn't have to get up go to work until one o'clock

and it was kind of you know it really got another one of those things right lingering guilt

and in case anybody doesn't know what

it doesn't

and my family was

I came to the ridiculous and I accept

right

I

and then I start acting like my mother when I I really

I really thought you know

and I knew it was going

and I

that's the only time I

all right at three

and you know I

right come Friday night and I have the weekend

I

because when I wasn't drinking

they call me a New England

so people argue I was not

being I could work and I can work around

and I became very

in fact I ended up working

all right

and

thank you for your

right away I was brought up I was

I did

but I learned about

before I got the offer ends up on my work and when I got home I

yeah

I

you

all kinds of

and everything else that makes

and

you're a long term help

R. Washington DC and

right around three

at some point

the

finally drinking weekends or

right

and

I I was a real functional

we're not like

you know we're not

when I didn't get to work I would realize that bad that I would be saying dear god get me through this I'll never take another drink are there got me tomorrow when I come in and

right

I

I I I do I do

right I joined in New York and I got a horseback riding

but I don't know what I mean

I guess I work so hard

but it was only when I was drinking I really

but it helped me realize

it was I was I didn't go anywhere I never went

thank you for calling because I really didn't know how to act

while we're at any place without losing I looked it over in the corner the other thing that I

this rather grand

defy anybody got too close

many

if the

I would find a way to say

you know I really don't think you want me to

I have a

and they said well that's the problem

the

and your career

some people would say

and again

yeah

I also have another thing if anybody got any

why would you get in

when I was drinking but I couldn't

in other words

the only thing I was

at one

it was very

I'm trying to drink when I went

because

by this time my mother had been separated my father had remarried

you know

and

and

our family holidays and everything else

she was around during

I guess

the round of drinks and and you know the only thing is

there

you know it's really great

I think when I went home

and yet everyone

somewhere along the line are your drink

and then I would get drunk and then everybody

yelling at

I thank god

thank

connect with

I

I tried to stay away from them

right now

some of mine and we were very

yeah

no he became like

you start drinking water to drink

and so he learned very good friend for me anymore

I like them better

and

I've heard in the New York

hi

I tried to go back

my mother by the current living alone and

my responsibilities

on the New York

all right

I really did hate

and

I did a hard

I had a good job there and yet my mother came to live with me and I had

right

and

and and I no longer I mean I think right

hi

I mean

I always

and everything we do

it was

when I would get really drunk I would

we have an

no I don't want to

I mean it was

the company

Washington

in Boston

I thank you

and here I am in the city were

god only knows anymore to get arrested again

I

I decided I would go to

I think that was in nineteen

I tell my story is not a conventional story

I did go to

and that

I walked around the building several times before I

we're looking

everything but you know I don't really know

I really

I thought well I'll give

three weeks

the links and I'm so

well

maybe if I go to these meetings and I can drink on Friday night everyone

I did

I think you know this is really the way you work

you know it's all right

if you

you know you've got to make

all right well I'm trying to make

where

I told her when they

I don't know whether I was drinking and

yeah we're

I think after having people

so

and then

I started learning the money you know because they were asking from running everything and everybody tells you that I haven't been around long enough

thank god I got

really

right

one of the guys tell the company

yeah

I keep getting in learning everything about another guy that I

and there have been a drying out place and

the governor when the state there

I got into an argument

downstairs

they were

I'm getting crazy thanks so

right and

and

and I will Graham and for the first

my mother was yelling at me about taking me a plastic in her glass

and then take it

well

you can you know you gotta live your own life

while winning a needing every night

really I

I

there was no problem I did not get out my work

thank god a lot of meetings and I

certainly

I

Dr and I washing

for

and in ten years I did not want

and when I

I

I didn't realize I didn't like

a year after I think we're getting

reorganization going on

these people are the mainstream and they didn't do things the way we are doing in the new York and

right

and

and it was a very difficult job and I was getting beat up by a lot of people

and next thing I need you to bring it about a year

thank you in

right now I don't know whether it's going to

I want

and I think if I had

I think we can

I think if I sing I would die that night but I didn't and you know

I couldn't stop shaking

because I didn't know what was happening but I was having a nervous breakdown

when I went into the office

and I don't know

something radically wrong and I didn't know what it was

I didn't even have a doctor there

by the next morning

all right in

and it's very strange because Rockwell

and I'm running

every day we send out a limousine and the others in

democratic group

and

many people are there for alcoholism and either

or what I was I had not been drinking

the data first

right you go out there

you so called friends

banking and driving

I was getting better and I need to take a turn for the worst

thank you

still in the early going on and I really

ten days

the company is

going on

and they were very good

tell me one thing you're

I'm very good at where he is and we do have something to

when you get here because a lot

thank you I

and seven days to work on that I was here

I

but I did not

I was going to

three

I need to go to Europe

a year after the

pretty good

everybody there was drinking when doing the Greek dancers

but I can't do anything like

I took a drink of booze

and it did

and I agree

during

and all I could think about

Astor granite

I was not going to go back to the

and I'm doing okay so

I got a little by little

Friday night

more

more

I can I can no longer drink for very

right

probably saying

losing my job

I would say

drinking on Friday

I

yeah because you know my

I lost my job

right I'm constantly thinking of

I'm afraid

in a situation in Washington and something else because

they have about four different police forces in Washington and they were taking pictures of people coming out again R. as in you know with the Eisenhower administration and they're having a

okay

I can't explain it to you I mean you know you want to

and you feel guilty and everything else I tried to establish relationships with girls and this time it wasn't working

right there were guys in the morning but I didn't I didn't see a

thanks things are getting worse and worse I asked the company transferring back New York

my dad and I were on

he's got if you sent me back to New York all star

stop trying

well I

every good intention

but

when I got back to New York I couldn't

and I could not get back to

meeting

I just couldn't

tell somebody that you know

over the years but I when I

so many people are doing

yeah I would do the same

you know where to go you know what to do I didn't want to go

yeah

number one the safety

the big long

six years and

I was so embarrassed

having

happened to me that I just making it so by this time I didn't know how to become a periodically you know I could go a year without a drink and then you know everything would start up and I

start drinking and

and then I can go to a gay bar or something and

when I come back and go through all the remorse and shakes and everything else but the funny thing is in

I can't get

and

stand by

work

hi this time I was almost every week

the only place in Connecticut and working

there

other never

yeah can she just want to say too much thank you

I have a couple of drinks and then she goes to bed and then I

in my room and

this is my life and it was a very

and I really you know by this time

this is great this was a mistake my job was just great going up to that place and working as an escape I

I had to do something and

by this time

the city to New Jersey because I have since over there and there was a growing group in New Jersey

New Jersey car well

you know

I think if I get any group right

and so if I had any

very scary

in the next room I made it

to go to the car okay yeah it was like going to a a for the first time I went

again this time with different

and I am going to go in that are going to talk about homophobia I didn't realize how homophobic you can certainly can be if they're homosexual but I was one of those

but I did go into that group and

people were very nice to me background and I was uncomfortable and I didn't want anybody to see me go into that place they see me coming out but you know that you made a decision that I was going to go back to that group

and I did I went back to the flooring on four different occasions

sudden I start to feel comfortable and

and I was sitting there one night and I

and I felt myself going on someplace and some kind of agreement and

and you know I guess it was sort of a spiritual awakening but

I discovered that everything everything that I'd consider my very

right now my my work ability taking care of my family being there for them

doing things for other people pleasing people

I'm sorry singer Martha Stewart and

in that meeting that night you know

these are not my very user my character defects because the biggest tax I

I should be taking care of myself and I should be doing things for myself and that this program is the answer and that I am gay I have to accept being gay and

it doesn't make any difference what

he is you know yeah I'm I'm I'm kind of living it alone anyway so what difference does it make I might as well be so

highs will be with these people who would really you know for the first time I let somebody come up

they were having some social events and I got into committees and I started handling all these fans and

it was there that time

I was looking for

that's because I never expected and

world anybody whatever news and I work for anybody else

certainly not on the sexual

not only for him yeah

one of the

this isn't Christmas parties I was

investible is with this other guy

he refers to the kid who is this

he was he was just he was just a shot

has been a very quiet and

and very good looking guy and

we just started talking and saying you yes within a few hours

well

we we did put on big sis for two hundred and fifty people

and this got me I find this really became a yearly thing for me but

but it wasn't very long before I

in a Russian is crying and and you know I can

because you know I'm not going around with them

stone here I didn't really think I had a heart I couldn't even

eating I just want

and I really didn't feel anything

everything I threw my intellect

I I didn't have warm feelings for anybody and I didn't know anybody

but you know I'm sure you know

this thing was beaten

and are starting to get warm in the western

he loves those

this is

and so

this guy asked me to come to a party at his house and

it's just

over there but when I went over and

one hundred and

sponsor

it will be for

I

we're going to find

no I was having for the first time I find specializing some other kind of life

and

you know maybe it's all right to have a

boy or something like that

really you know I mean what

well I was

I mean I have no intention of driving at night and I had

I love you

this guy

no no no right now you know this is the way you don't get to

this intimacy thing

before you comment he says you know I think hi I have to be crazy

you know

when we were at work we were sitting on the line and this

anyway some

and it turned my life around really

we started going

yeah

a lot of great wonderful feelings about people right I started becoming very precarious and

going into this

all right we went dancing and

you know switching along from the complete having doing especially at my expense

and you never give up

nothing special going on

I mean

things happen to me

since I haven't had a drink

so to stop

stop waiting on my family hands and for me I even really started

announcer ship with some I I have more

price

people with people my own age

you know it's not it's also wonderful finally find yourself

to be stealing

you're not alone with this

just prior to

this

and they would offer several of those who

twenty five years

you got to be fifty five

there we were I don't know if there was some twenty five years and that they would give us a package of some kind early retirement and I took another emotional appeal because I didn't know anything

I had

but with the help of my friend

I could turn into a kind of a social being and

my whole life turned around

there have been many many difficult things my brother died

he has an accident rate problems currently problems I couldn't work for months and everything but I didn't drink

cancer

he was here and really very close to me and nothing happened my mother died on it

many

you know

never since that night

and I don't really have

I had a desire to drink every single day of my life

and I had never thought about taking another drink since that night years ago

even though I used to go for years or more without a drink

you know there is a desire was always it was always present

and

I'm going to finish up I didn't really think I would be able to try it more often

in December

this past year

I was having cancer

it was kind of shocked really

I know what these guys are days via I'm sure

with the support

so which which has helped me to understand why so many terrible relationships

I've done very well I really have

yeah in January eventually

and you know I'm still here I've never once

and that's not really for me I really don't

I don't care if I never see it again

I

you know normally here problems Hey and then most people I think I'm one of those people emotionally and mentally incapable of understanding the truth I don't know

I don't know if I know that but I know so much about the changes I need this moment and

now we can make the program I think almost anybody can

and many others I really enjoy having around

he

Jennifer and

we're just marvelous and I really like being in Texas I

sometimes

rather than you know I guess I'm where I'm supposed to be right

and I think I'm a close