River City Roundup in Sacramento, CA

everybody I'm Judy

it's so nice to see so many faces out there of people that I've known and known for a long time the program

and

it's a real pleasure to be here I'd like to start out by saying that nothing gives me more pleasure than to be an Allen on having the attention of a room full of alcoholic

we need

and that is the subject of my talk tonight by the way but I would like to strap

by by thinking the committee for the privilege of being of service you know it's a miracle to me how I've been I have fourteen years of the program and it's just a miracle to me how year after year after year people do service and people do conferences and they and they do service for conferences even when they don't feel like doing service

and it's just it's a miracle of the program that we can have a river city roundup and that that their service gives me the opportunity to be of service and gives you the opportunity to be of service by showing up

so thank you all

and I'd also like to say

more that way okay

I'd also like to offer it gratitude to my sponsor doesn't happen to be here tonight but who is here in spirit I always like to mention too because I never called

one

even though I don't call her I always know that she's my sponsor and when I get into trouble I always think about her

I always imagine what she's going to

tonight I'm going to talk a little bit about my I'm gonna tell you sort of my one of my

six and seven stories so that's kind of the frame for tonight but but I'll just for those who don't know me and haven't heard my story sixty five times I'll just

right briefly hi I wasn't raised in an alcoholic family neither my mom or my dad

drank except smartly socially whatever but there was alcoholism all around me my uncle died of alcoholism his wife my aunt was just a black belt codependent and she as she died never getting into Allen on recovery which is

which is sad actually and her son has I think thirty three years in the program and he's in my life he's about ten eleven twelve years older than I am but he was my favorite cousin for some reason growing up go figure and and it's a thrill for me to have him back in my life and there were a lot of work you're just one of women

mothers and my friends wrote

and that didn't seem to know they just didn't seem to be much of anything for them to do it

sort of drink and

but but I had no idea that you know I needed a program and I I married an adult child

and we were we were very happily married for about nineteen years and then I came out of denial and some of the woman and let him from New Hampshire to California

and that's how I got in the program so if it wasn't for the alcoholics in my life today I would I would never have found Alan

and

you know I had this huge change in my life you know I live very straight like cancer and we lived in the country we had a dog and

you know we're very active in the Quaker community so we were just surrounded by the loving circle of Quakers and I'm

you know and then I just came home one day and told my husband I love this woman

it was it was kind of a shocker

especially for a greater community that was kind of a shock for them and so I came out here and you know everything was different like overnight I went from from living in this great your community and having all these families and kids to suddenly being enacted universe huge children and you know all these gay people and all these gay trunks and

and we drove across country in the middle of the semester you know we got in on Thursday night and took me to Robbins a lot us for express you know on Thursday night

but that was on that J. street and then I finally went to Friday night meeting so that was my first exposure to

Friday night north hall meeting

well you know and that was that was our smoking meetings and in those days you know and and I just remember walking and going

well if you don't

they're not even listening you know

getting up and walking in and out running around and not paying attention you know how come they're not taking notes

I mean I really didn't get

three months a good friend

the program team we're going after talking and he said to me says well Gee you know have you been

yeah and I said well

no

you know

he said well you're living with an alcoholic

she was

you know I went to this like hysterical laughter he just threw back at

after last

I got the kind that night and I was just furious that dean should suggest that I should go to now I mean just because I happen to be living with an alcoholic

in recovery and I've had in the car on the way home you know just because he thinks he is above the

and I got home and I got this and you know it's really quiet we're just flying down the lights are turned out and all of a sudden this huge saw just as you know out of my mouth and I started crying and she looked

yeah I just realized that I chose you and you're an alcoholic

and it was that awareness that

to an Allen I'm program so I really thank

all the alcoholics in this room after getting me to recovery

specially specially team

you know it's just been one long interesting trip since then

yeah

fourteen years

the story in brief so what I'm gonna talk about tonight you're my character defects which I'm sure those of you that know me well this will come as no surprise

the people I work with no these character defects about me and this is that I am basically

very self seeking and self centered person I used to think that Alan on you know we're really giving

I have moved along in the program I have come to see myself much more

see this character defect in the glowing color give me just a few examples of how the sex because this is not like something it's not like I do something self centered really big once a month

you know it's not like that it's like I'm just basically self centered every minute of every day

and

so this is kind of how it works I'll describe it so the other day at the office

one of my coworkers came in her name and she just she taken this vacation Elaine she was wearing this beautiful sweater

and it was you know sort of grounding to run her reports of

and it was white leather patch working across the front of the super I mean it was stunning and and she sort of worn around in about noon she just she just won't nobody says anything about how beautiful the square is and I said well I didn't know I really noticed how beautiful it looked on you and I was going to say something but then I thought well why don't

and

sounds just like something you would

she

shepherd one of your sisters or somebody was with their

N. or something and this rain waiting around for other people to sort of help her with her fans and after a while she turned in the spring you know you're gonna have to carry your own bag around and start calling you

you know

a few other little examples like that in meetings I don't know if this happens to you guys I have a job

and yet really and

in meetings as a matter of fact I get so impatient and meeting

I like have to say prayers in the middle of a meeting so that I can do to myself

my

you know my basic attitude the meeting is it's all about me and I wish that they would

and get it over with quicker you know doing smarter or whatever you know and I'm just basically impatient because I want things to move along it might be because everyone knows that my speed the only speed that really matters

the

which is which is about me and

I like to have the more like

and I buy a lot of and

I actually have more books than we have room

so I have a tendency to five people to try and I leave them on table because

you know when there's no real case where you can put on the table

but this

leading things around happens to really irritate my car

so we have this

that we play

call me on the table

yeah

how I can leave the book on the table for she asked me to move

and

the other night

my name is

and and

she was we were and we were being actually quite light hearted about it which is progress

you know I haven't actually need but it's a game and be lighthearted

to get into a fight about it yes recovery you know in our relationship

so she was asking me about how long the book on the table and colder

they would be moved the next night

but that Intel I could actually within the next I would engage in and the basic behavior now

when you take the books that are on the table and you

here which is so you

actually

basically

you know this is the base for now but I'm going to leave them tomorrow night but I'm going to do it after I get on the treadmill

and it was like

you know I know you're going

but she actually she started crying

because by admitting her my invasive behavior and by exhibiting myself which is you know I I know this is important you actually

first because that's more important to me you know it just brought up a lot of hopelessness that she happens to have around this behavior

I was just devastated you know that that she felt that I had created

so then I had to go make it and then you know about the game so it just goes to show that even these little games that we play alcoholics in Allentown you know their games but there's

and they're all these feelings underneath

in our hearts

that that causes to grow

that was that was a really and then you know we have to make it a minute I have to really look at the cell center

you know and and how deeply rooted it is in me and what and how I can change

and of course that gets me

two one

step six because really it's not at all about me changing is that really

about

the god of our understanding

changing

so how did this happen to me

hi however made progress

you know I can't really remember I sat down in preparation for this

really remember exactly how it happened

well

mmhm

I doubt

the fact is that if we're lucky enough to have friends

I'll be in a relationship then we know that we're really lucky to have a partner that calls are

and it really is very

I've been through an evolution

response and reaction to her ability

originally

in the first few years of my program you know when she would call my attention to my character defects my immediate response was to say

it's not about my

this is about your I would whenever I would

I would say you know it's really about you

finding fault with my ex it's about you being too critical

and and for years really I was obsessed with the fact that she had a character defect about being really critical

and it was more about her than it was about me

and actually that went on for a long time my feeling you know the way I handled

opportunities for growth and I'm actually if you after after the meeting I'm sure she tell you that it's still going on

I'm making some progress yeah

this phase that I kind of go through around this is what I call the grudging acceptance

things where she brings to my attention like around the books you know the book

and

and I will finally

maybe the next day maybe a half hour later maybe two days later you know you are right I'm sorry

I don't know how it is for other Allen you know saying I'm sorry like really really really hard

and saying yeah you're right

really hard

so I think that's the first phase is kind of where I say like

there is

you know there is again that

you know

it is

you know

see it again and yeah yeah

you know it's it's some it's hard to go through those phases but it's

it really does help because what happens when I finally get to that place where I say oh there it is again when she brings that character defect to my attention again

after time after time it weighs on me and finally I got to this place with the weight of my own self centeredness was just

driving me crazy I I've been in enough rooms Alcoholics Anonymous where I know you you talk about you know we talk about being sick and tired of being sick and tired and that kind of

where I finally done with a lot of the self centered just began to feel like some sort of a jail I couldn't get out of stock

all the time I get

and and I don't actually remember you know I don't remember going

thank god on my knees or balance a guide or anything and saying you know please take this

I don't really remember doing if I must've done something

because something

in my life yeah the only thing I can remember is enough enough slash and then one moment I must

you know I can't take this anymore free me from the bondage of self you know I just I I must have said something because you know grace doesn't come into our lives we

you know that's just the truth and and great that's really what it is

I need in this particular area of my life and

you know it's a word that we talk about you know maybe people think it's a weird word

you know it's kind of religious or something for me grace is the word that I use for when god does something

for me that I can't do for myself

right

and and so great kind of put it in for me and

and that some things are really really shifted in my life and I want to share some of that with you and of course that means I have to talk about

in addition to the book from the cable game there's be going to the ATM

and

and this is because I'm chronically short of cash and I'm always waiting until the last minute and having to go to the ATM and I usually like to do this right when we're getting ready to leave to go someplace else you know so it's an area that we have to add on the front end of where we're going

self centered and you know it I've got to go to the ATM and we just have to somehow it is

do your schedule our schedule whatever so

and now I know you're not gonna be surprised to hear this but she's a little resentful about

going to the ATM

and

yeah

you know I mean I don't want to go to my bank so I don't have to pay the extra

and it's basically because I had this image of myself that you know I am not a person who waste money

yeah this is I mean I'm a person who's broke all I like to go to my bank on your time

really really well no issues

you know we should be going yeah

we were having the ATM game recently then I don't know maybe

one month ago and then in the middle of the ATM conversation

I thought

now I know you all have the

where you know you're on the treadmill and then for some reason

god sends you a new spot you know it's not like you have

and you

so I had a new style and this is what is so important

about this

that means that I have that I'm not the kind of person that pays an extra fifty of somebody else once

and you thought right

what is so important that you

you know that's a really shocking for me because

no prior to that time just about everything that I thought about myself like vitally important

you know it was which is really strange I'm not always a very active person I don't spend a lot of time you know contemplating my own death but they thought

new train of thought was well yeah like you could be dead tomorrow

you know and no one would ever know or care about this image of you that your person that doesn't like the only person

you and you would be

really the whole thing about this image of who I am and

you know in the kind of respect for me and I thought well why

I mean I literally had that thought you know what kind of like well just an image I have of myself and I could be dead tomorrow no one would care anyway about the same anyway they might even

so why don't I hold onto it

that moment in time I

you know

really easy

yeah sure and I said well sure we don't have to go to my

but whatever it was I just gave it up

yeah

gave it

and that is a miracle

really

that new thought what

really

I mean are you see your role

here's another example this is

during

very funny

I decided that I had

and like most

yeah

and you know read about it in that consumers report

talk to my sister in law about the kind that she had about her personal trainer recommended and and then I had I had a little windfall I had a little extra jobs money

I came straight from this job and I went straight

and that I wanted in close you know I was so excited manner money off you know so excited about this treadmill I'm sure you know slapped down the credit card

and

you know I'll take it

right down to will call

and I was by myself that was

tell you something right away

you know eagerly standing at will call and this is this is about the strict about my image of myself

my image of myself

yeah starter

you know I am I am just saying I love to start things and I'm really expecting that you will help me finish them

now if you like

you know I can use

for living with someone else and the African

follow up on things

you for many many years

so I will call you know I'm not going

I

your mother

on the floor

in this thing and it's like six I don't know it sits on a wooden pallet

you know I thought to myself I really don't know the card but I was too embarrassed to tell the guy to turn around and take it back so we'll call you know

so I don't know really in my in my group he said well let's try so by golly you know we we push this jam this thing on the street right in the back and

but anyway so I was me and I was really excited and finally this is the Reno

I'm like so excited

so I get to the house you know and I

have a look at the car and I looked at the front door

and

about midnight so I kind of roll over the bed and I say you know

and that was that until the next morning so as you're planning on spending most of the day relaxing

but I needed her to you know deal with my treadmill

and he says you know cheating

your

and you know she was just having fun you know

she's

she's absolutely right I do have to deal with the stress this is my treadmill this is my deal I was enthusiastic about it and I looked and I said you know I don't think I quite

so

I went

actually you know she said she was she was a little bit helps you said you know you might be able to read

somewhere

actually we did she did help me read it I I did go to rent the dolling and she went with me actually

probably calling home and then I went off and found the neighbor caddy corner to

speaking can help

because we just couldn't

where to start whenever we can

the card

a very long story even longer

they did actually because it never occurred to me that you actually put it together

I'm reading the mill it's great

but

but then they knew that I was that I started this thing and I had to finish it and I did take the dollar back to the right place you know myself and I didn't get

thank you for helping and and that's actually new thinking yes that's great

in my life having having

you know there's some

there's this piece of Alana literature that I hate

which is just

the first time I heard it I just

and

about you know dressing up nice and being nice and has all the

but the one that I really

it goes something like this is just for today

I will do something nice for somebody and not get caught

this was really a new thought for me and a very pleasant for me

I think you know

my idea about doing something nice for people it's kind of like banking

something nice and it's a credit

right

so you build up your

credit

your credit you know anyone in favor

you say well I did this for you

when you use a credit or use credit

what you know to offset

when you you know you you you can like

I don't remember when anyone for you you know so the idea so far in my life you know

something or something is very important to be noticed

you had to be knowledge because you can go in the bank

no

really so

I swear this is great by working my life the other day for no reason whatsoever like about two months ago or so

no happened recently I had another new

this new thought was well

one

oil

every now and then

you know one

it's very confusing for me

because for many years I you know there was no line between codependency and spoiling

there just wasn't a lot so

so I made this decision that I was going to try this I was actually gonna practices

crack just boiling her and and not

that's what I was doing

and that was just very news news buy for me so you know I now I'm telling you know hopefully it walk on the

so here are some of the things that I've been doing you know I've been getting up first in the morning and I've been making her coffee and bring her coffee and

and also while I'm waiting for the

get I actually tried you know changing the dog's water

which is something that she used to do all the time

and then I've been trying

giving your spontaneous massages you know like

and and we weren't getting a response I really try to focus on the fact that I'm doing it the way I think she might like

I would like to do

you know

the other day I actually offered to go home you know I actually go to the grocery store on my way home without her asking

so this is new for me and actually you know it hasn't been that bad it's actually been pretty pretty much fun I really enjoyed it it's been kinda like this little secret that I can with myself

well her without letting her know and you know this I never would have done this without without the program without race never yeah what happened I would never have left commander

and it is very confusing you know Alan on and and I did try that right now and I did try to contemplate what's the difference between between being nice and thoughtful just someone and doing things for them the way I used to do it you know before I was in recovery what's the difference because sometimes it can feel really confused

and I'm

and this is what I want to leave you with

I think the difference is an inherent

you know what's my intention and what I'm doing you know am I

am I doing this thing

being self centered you know is it about my feelings about what I think is right this is about my way you know back to the spot you know it's about giving this massage away

you know

the way the way I know the right way to get a massage so I'm gonna give it to the right way you know as opposed to

can I intuitively figure out what it is that you want need and can I offer that to you you know

it's about it's about me seeing her

and thinking about her

not me seeing me and thinking about me

it's all about intention

and

and

and all this time you know

I thought it was

I thought it was about

actually all this time I thought it was about me defending myself against her

but it is you know it's never been about her it's always only been

about me and about the prison of my own self centeredness

today

with the grace of the god of my understanding

I have I do have these moments right I know it's because in the program of Allen on I have become safe

and I have become secure

with who I am

so you know I have become safe and I have become secure with me

and because of that you know I have now today and because of god's grace I have found it easily to see her to truly see her and just seeing what I can do for her out of life not counting down thing you know getting more credit from the bank

I still I still buy too many books

I don't think that's going to change

and I I still leave them lying around

no I don't think that's going to change either

just for today

just for today

I can put them away

before she asked me to

and that is a new freedom

that is

being free from the prison of self centeredness and that is the promise

of this program

and that's what keeps me coming back to be of service thank you