Gratitude Conference

hi everybody I am grateful member of our

instead of doing the program five years five and a half now

like many people who

programming is a god

I'm a great team

given me a totally different perspective on how to look at life

all of the other things that I learned in school and and anywhere else

I qualify for Allentown because there are different reasons the main one is

walking home on my father when I was a small child

all my

adolescence is a very heavy drinker and

there were a lot of

things on his part

when he was drunk anything can go when he was sober he was in a rage very much a control freak and also when he was older sometimes you can be absolutely wonderful all this range of

you know things that he told me I was

when myself

because these were in my development

my mother is not

but the question would be the Allen on

a control freak I'm very self right

when he wasn't happy with react this way

the last thing I was always experiencing a lot of anger a lot of fear a lot of sadness all at the most extreme that those emotions

you know my head I'm the oldest of four children I have a brother and two sisters and there would be a lot of rival

you know this could come from the fact that there was a lot of people around or economical to some people and not others

or

in addition to growing up with all of that

business being

growing up in small towns

welcome one moment talking a thousand Sarnia and another

so all the

he's innocent feelings

it is also dealing with these feelings that I was going

I always knew I was different from other boys by the way people are talking to me in reacting

do that and all this nonsense

and when

when I did my teenage years and was starting to have feelings I was totally confused

when I first heard about homosexuality on

it was good

now on the one hand there was all the homophobia that I would

because of the negative reaction to it but the good side was that I knew it at least exist and that there are other people like me

I could look forward to life when I would get out of

and into a city where apparently all this

going on

so

I guess there was a lot of interest during my teen years

another way that I qualify for Allen on

my father I think sometimes a problem drinker or heavy drinker from what I know what the definition of a clinical alcoholic I'm not exactly sure where he is

but on both sides of my family there were a lot

I think it's a little hard on calls and one three uncles died of their alcoholism one has been sober for about fifteen years and I don't know

he might I'm what they call the dry ground

one other uncle died in an accident and

is currently

at the doctor's

another drops you will be dead within the past year has nearly died twice

I think maybe just come through

after a live

right now

so during that period of my seniors a lot of relatives who did die and I was very happy as a child so I couldn't relate

that was when I was a teenager

and I

I started to believe that I was raised in a very seriously and I'm calling on

I can't speak for everybody

often when I read about their experiences and heard about their experiences get into things

very well so this was all the Catholic religion

we know what they say about homosexuality so I had a lot of inner conflict going on in the

crazy

the university of Waterloo where I took computer programming

and it was I guess probably because I thought this was where I was going to get all his life I don't know I somehow you know I am

growing up in the seventies

character Mary Richards

City Lights books are great

when I got the campus I heard all these stories and a lot of fun

not being that much I was disappointed in a lot of weight

maybe because like there was a lot of wild heterosexual life

it was very difficult to find people just like also in my work is another my heart was written to bury myself in my work also to mention although I've never been

in the cold

after having experience with that kind of addiction and food was one of the many factor it was the first one that I got involved in

with the reaction to the family life and handling things like fear and anger and going to school and all the stress I felt there I'd really you know I learned a lot of food and

between the ages of six and twelve I thought I was quite overweight and because of all the reactions from other kids who are hardly call about that kind of thing and some adults as well

it was a vicious circle because then I would be very emotionally upset about it each

going and going and going but by the time I got all

proportional to the height

still there are moderated a bit

so in university

it was very difficult in the relationship with my parents and seeing how bad it was now this is I think the late seventies

and I felt kind of out of it because I was a little boy

I had my first work terms and there were a lot of disappointment

and I thought oh I get into math and accounting program it's going to be really interesting

and I'll have this

I was put in a corner where I had nothing to do with the crown corporation and the

corporations get away with hiring somebody not having to do anything

anyway I had some realizations about myself and I was

you know what I might have I really started to feel encouraged

in theater and acting and this would later be confirmed from

card readers on the rate may and it turned out in the field was

correct insight about myself

so

when I went back to school on the second term with all the disappointment in the depression I just couldn't handle the workload and I was

and everybody else around me dropping out of the program and getting into something else it is necessarily something that I could find more fulfilling because

program wasn't doing the easy to drop health analysis

get out later on

I guess I could see some of the same old is in my family my father

he was absolutely paranoid way because like rock these courses that employers wouldn't hire

and I try to convince them but I will pick this up how are they going to know that I grew up in courses well I mean he was in his station almost pretty well supporting him

so are you I guess it was either

and I didn't have any kind of support system at the time and I didn't really have any other direction to go

so I

in the program

organised water

the major to computer science sorry I just feel their desire for me

now I can look back and see that that was I guess one of the

right are you rebel against your parents and you do what you want

would later come back and I'll get to that later in my story progresses

now during this time at university I did have worked in the city that's where ideas come out of the closet

now are you

I I think because of what I was exposed to an L. in other words the family car using the reunions and I guess I was always around people that have this belief that you could only have a really good time when you really try

and in the small town this is a lot of

hello well

I think because of what I saw happening relative I resisted very hard again

coming out because I knew I had the emotional drive that I could be that way and I guess it was wrong well because of the uncle sample and I'm grateful that my parents were Frank about what was happening with so when I came out it was strictly up to the bar and I got into the park this is around the late seventies and early eighties

and this tell me another compulsive side of myself

you know it's not really an Allen on Kermit many people in Allentown or reading about it we'll talk about all the different things are now for me are you know like I never had any

experience with anyone else

but the hearing was extremely strong especially for the age that I was and

if you're going for love and for that the physical need as well

so are you on

among the people pretty quickly in bars now I I knew I had a boundary I didn't really want to go all the way with

doing that quickly but I worked hard to get people to take me to their home

there were a lot of manipulation on both parts and in one case I was

all

but then on the way like I say this was after we had become kind of close

strong yearning I found out later he had also been assaulted in many ways through in his

we we were together for about two months and it was a very intense love relationship

we had very strong feelings

your friend ideals about facts I was holding back and I guess all I might be able to say that he was

you know of course that was not part of the language back then in the late seventies early eighties when the sexual revolution

strong and I started to feel very lonely about that because of where I was within

the the aids crisis the army at

I think everybody was like it was

we involved in it and I I felt left out again because my standards in life

right now I would eventually find ways of compromise like once we got

courtesy

I'm not that worked for me for a while

and it is a great you know I was thinking it was good but I could see there was an emotional pattern that was somewhat destructive

constantly going out to bars

we have to somebody down

I would be going out and

I didn't really have any I think it was the need to be like

after the game because I was so devastated by being rejected

and

you know just in the surroundings constantly of the loud music that darkness looking at

and everybody just standing around looking at each other I know that

the overtime

somebody gave me a

you know you've heard of the inner child I know I have that but I also had an inner field where I think you like me you really like

it didn't matter whether I like them because of that and I was not supposed to happen

the thing is about other people in my life

and

so

I think throughout the years

and it

at one time I did something that was very

in nineteen eighty four and it was almost suicidal and I I think it was the start of the hearing and

somebody and I know that

I've been through and I you know I always use with this possibility now six years later I was the only year that I did something on stage in nineteen ninety

it's a very long experience I decided to go and take the test I did not have any support system at all I would never go looking I would find one but it turned out okay I wasn't

but

but later on I worked within another wealth program starts to get a hold of this

I'm doing very well in the program were keeping away from losing

I just finally in very simple ways that I can relate nice man

you know I talked to them without having to like them into better making wedding plans are

like the program is one day at a time and easy

our power plants need to be with somebody that'll come

enjoy whatever I am today and remains

now getting back to the university years and all the work I did eventually graduate

in computer degree

then I went to

John bel

and that was as a computer programmer now

right

whether things were I mean there's a lot of

the characteristics

part of the program are part of the the whole program outcomes

they're also very radical right wingers are you

I used to think conservatively myself

today I have this crazy notion that I might start another program called adult children survivors of parents who are enthusiastic supporters of Mike Harris

because the acronym

but anyway I

sometimes I get a little too intense about my politics

I

in on a lot of

with this job

it's a lot

and I was reacting with a lot of

some somewhat not feeling very grown up

I I didn't get a lot of help throughout therapy I got called

okay

there was a start your training

it helps a lot with my hearing

there were there were ways where I found it wasn't really working

and I was looking for a while now when I started my life of course it was very intense again and go

do everything at once well this feeling

it was when I was getting back things were

I couldn't even enjoy

my first year at Bell Canada I realized you know I thought this was going to be interesting

right but it is working career is really not

I get that right earlier because it was after working at a large corporation where I

I mean my perspective and I went over very well

probably because of that or at least

bakeries

so when I realized it wasn't for me I certainly like the money they gave I mean there it was great I got this idea build a nest or eventually I would take a sabbatical and I did well with

what are in these acts race

doing really well I didn't really have a problem firstly I also have great experiences traveling

very cosmopolitan it is I was going to

that was extremely fulfilling sometimes I think back on those experiences and I don't get because I'm not quite happy that I did

when the when the happiness in the corporate life

I certainly

and I was involved with other personal growth and I think it was or calling on and there was one teacher with that method acting

that is something that really helped me because it was hard work I you know I wanted to do it and really get filled in on the art side effects but with all these adults Charles

everything in your closet and I could really grab on to that and that's the whole point of the inner

and he said that there are many some names of some of the more famous

people do not

because of money because of personal growth and you keep the focus on doing it just for personal growth you will at least be satisfied because then you'll get something there's no guarantee that the money comes along great but if not

gross I decided let me stay with me just

in whatever area of life

I'm quite happy I did

now when I think of financial goal where I could have I

realize I'm not emotionally ready

what my parents do

not later on right

to be emotionally prepared for it so there I was staying in the job that I hated by now corporate culture

currently everywhere was going not

I was being very workaholic and working a lot of hours

I think being constantly being afraid of boxes but then also being very resentful of the whole thing

one time my

project

this is a lot to me because I was always good at working our website with your work that's what I do well well I was really devastated what is happening

I had

in a one on one with all the

robin green Kerr and number twenty questions and I answered yes more than

but at the time I was doing kind of a state of denial about my father being

you know a lot of people are not

the family disease now that I was playing out

but when nothing else seems to be working check out the gallery and go to one of their introductory

anything

hi

and

there is something that you seem to really

right now there were no drinkers in my life then I was sort of the acting out work

probably the result of having grown up in

but

I like that and the analytical side and wanted to make

ranking thing have to do with my personality characteristics another voice probably

go to the new building

there was something there that made me realize this is the place for me there was something I was having people there this is a great idea don't show up in our people who have been with someone for a long time

are actively drinking problem

and although I never made any attempt on my life I think I left with

so that was an inspiration to keep going back and I love the leading meetings are you know where they were I interrupted

negatively that is and and know that nobody's going to gossip about

it was interesting too because another so called Allentown characteristic is trying to

analyzing other problems and when people start to speak

diagnose the problem and want to jump in and tell him what to do but then I realized that's not in the real

and I was glad that

in time I would see it's nice not to have to be responsible because I think I was driven by the need for this belief that I was responsible for other people's feelings and making them feel better and all so a lot in the in the program I think one of the first time was when I went back to my family I would say my role of being

or you know people are taking sides and arguments

and I would notice when they would see I wasn't playing my heart

calm down

and that's one of the ways that I wanna work

you focus on yourself and

the way other people around you and you will also invite

right healthier

in late ninety one the work situation with

I knew my own work

and now I was working for a work imagine everyone around us workaholics

and this is in the field of computers to where I know it is quite common

in the field

I am

I want

now I know there are stories from

where they talk about the bottoming out somebody really hold them off and show them what it was and for me because of the working situation in your in box

somebody told me

and because I was constantly just around the

he called I couldn't think of any other way because that's the way they are within the organization the only thing about the way so I was grateful to have this person from the outside world

I was shocked when I have to do something it's gone far enough now and I knew that yes yes they

it was big enough that I could take this article

I

okay I'm going to do it and

seven things I have to do and I

quite rapidly

the rest of

nineteen ninety eight already set up the meeting with the boss

there was little book one

wonder what

and it was something about we all deserve dignity in life and we have to do the things we have to do is take back our dignity even if it means stepping on people's toes or whatever and I can't remember exactly what it

one of those weird coincidence where exactly what I set out to do that

thank god

about being more

the line very hard fought back when I have been meeting with the boss

I put it on a personal level

health Canada after speaking about

talking from human to human

you know even after her exam you know you might want to think

he

herself it was nice to have what was really interesting I have my health and my life and my spirituality which is going to help

everything is thinking about it like everybody there was wrapped up in this rat race where you know that all houses and cars

I guess they needed it

lands in the hours the balance I just did it differently and

hello

and after I resign or other people resign within six months after that so

credit earning like

another

cover somebody called me up and said of friend of mine is doing this way and I know you like it or would you like to do it

you know this is brought back to all that stuff about the I mentioned earlier so I get to play and it was very hard because there are a lot of

within the group and

all through and so I ended up doing more community theater in auto walk while I was on this article pardon me was great

taking all those over you should be having a regular career in a regular salary a regular job the money was there and I can do these I also took a course in holistic called great

other

they're about so I've done a bit of healing and

well I did a little entrepreneurial project not

when I went home

when it became clear to my parents I wasn't not a temporary thing and I wasn't going to redirect my life

and with my father because I think well

totally afraid that you know my life would be gone

and his control coming up in my

Carl was reacting to it in fact I was very

after I got a letter from them but I wrote back and explained everything and I did I wrote it in a way where he understood it and then I found out that mom holding Michael Allen on then I wrote in another letter of all because I didn't want his interpretation of the thing my mother might be quite rankled him about

let's hear it from my viewpoints and it helped me clear a lot more I feel complete with him so that if you were to die I wouldn't

there are there is some unfinished business but I think because of the dysfunction

it is going to think I have the same kind of experience when I decided to come out my mother

coming down the numbers well I think what brought me along because it showed me how functional the family what are you reacted really badly I guess you know you hear all these wonderful coming out experience was like in a meeting with

you know they they all come through again

the family it wasn't like that and

so first it was my sister's

they didn't give me the support I needed and I dropped back I did get that support email customers who are around

very very much the court and then I decided I would come out

now the evening I heard I thought like I was five years old amazing how much the mother child relationship

are you when I went to bed I had to fight with my will all

we're coming back to the surface things that I thought were gonna wait it was very strong realize how vulnerable I really was

and lectures between her and me written back and forth

the intensity and it was very difficult now I think there were some resolutions made and it can be quite early and I'm glad that I did it but I know there are a lot of cars and

and I think of it being like whether I come out to my father and my brother and not something that I would render to my higher power

but as it is now

the bigger projects

like with three rendering the like the higher power I read a book called

happiness and I was inspired by this office interpretation of three and that is what you're feeling side is your higher power and all that stuff

all their brainwashing

whatever

so

this

I think like I I really

what I want to do a moment I let myself do that and I've let go of a lot of but I realize we're

hold on

and I

I recently completed four and I realized

you know I do hold back

I know there was good reason for it

part of my recovery has been that I had

he's out from I like people who were out very harmful

but to follow up on that I need to also bring in people who are good

on that a little bit

by the way are you wrong

after all one of the theater projects I had an auto lock

one of them actually brought me into your

and I spent two months there and I was going to experiment and see what it was like I I love the city and a lot of things there but I knew it wouldn't be very practical for me down

from what I saw the

people there

it's a very driven quick desire for

I really love their conduct castanet but there were a lot of situations

while like there was one horrible fight that everybody has like in those movies like all about eve

Rodway and are without power New York my god

it's happening I was in a corner

but anyway that

I was completely income I don't know what will happen

are getting a little bit of

here here in TV

yes her monolog

and I'm also procrastinating on there I'm doing something with the rate

but I'm also learning there are a lot of things I love about this

and there are there are things that I can do even if they're not

generating income but I think I still have to come back and realize you know when you need it

I need it right now learn how to help

so there's so much to learn and as I say I love

a unique approach to life

totally different from anything that I ever learned in another program by misleading I don't have to go to

and

I don't know that there's so much more to go on and

simple approach

easy and easy on myself and accepting that it's like this happening this

our current

you still have work to do on that but

very grateful and this is my first credit card it was an honor to be asked me your speakers thank you very much for this