"Feeling Good" in San Diego, CA

when you clean

my name is

I am an alcoholic

okay

of course we are going to bring

I always wanted to talk with them

when you come down

tell your story yeah

for the first time last night

so now I'm going to tell you another story

yeah the nickel

a little

a lot of water

smoking

the better

you know anybody

all the things

when I bring it with me

I really think we drink too much

you got a problem you

the only

thank you

everything you can take

you can you can you can

I knew it would be right

thank you

doing my own bathroom

along

I don't have one anymore I don't want

when I was leaning over the

the end of the call morning

you know you just

you know

it was cool and refreshing

fourteen years

really really do

everything

look at these things

I don't want to gamble you know what I mean so it's like I can't wait to do it

later

being a social drinker is

you don't know about it one way or the other

but you know

there would be people

or maybe

someday it might be

when you hear the

one of them I believe is a live

I used to drink

the short rather I would drink or not

during the day you want to bring

grinding you think you're going to die if you don't get it you don't know what's going to happen to it

it's like you know you know you don't

the more you have created

yeah

everything that you will pay any price

thank you

thank you

I mean when I can

over alcohol

when you

we think we

you know I

without warning

he was taking over and with

the end of the year

welcome

I just put my drinking problem and

my

god

you know

I don't know if you know

you

for the star spangled banner

on the television

everything else

one thing is they all my god I've got to get

because

well I mean real reality you can't when you never

everyone

no not

they were the

I want to see how many of these

reporter

I was wondering is getting

yeah I mean like I was convinced beyond a doubt that my mother was an alcoholic

I knew I could bring in years and

because of course I was in denial of everything I want

I read them

at least

I couldn't believe it

you know I was

only when you drink you can

it would be like

you know like the grace of god

they only

getting boring

even more

when your Rinker they don't last long

the kind of thing

things like that

anyway I knew my mother was an alcoholic

but

exactly like my mother

because I was just like my mother and they were doing that he's an alcoholic I'm an alcoholic too even though I don't believe

like the logic thing or whatever

the grace of god I get really hear anything

the end of the year I think the twenty

what was really going on I do not have

the black Lincoln

things that I did I don't believe everything you know

no no no no no no no no no

you know

you

right

if you drink in the morning

the stories about morning

you know the more you heard about that one

you know I was like

and if you could go to my

in my morning

in the morning

and I never did

one more win

you can come in and you don't even have the compulsion to drink

we have to not drink

continue doing

one

you will never have a

if they have a couple of things you wouldn't

you know it was really difficult for me because I have a lot of

I didn't understand

there was

number one is I'm

you know

you know I know why they

right after you know

you know

group

it's not going to

yeah

but I know it was

it wasn't the one

that wonderful feeling of coming home I mean I would

and then my whole life

the black I think the worst

never disappointed

it worked out real well

you can

I don't

I know what

I know what clinical

I know I was clinically depressed my

I went into therapy and learn some things I can do about

otherwise people

yeah I remember her name

the condition of your writing you will you will drink

the universe

I don't know why they would need builder

I remember hearing

the number one killer of alcohol

the motion for everybody walking around on

we're giving you

when you

but it doesn't mean that we don't get we get

register user

then there was

you know what

the angry

I can't remember for the

and

they want to really discounting

somebody says I never

some old timer which is anybody with more crime and you have

how long

don't answer that question

everything is

you're right

you don't even know

the meeting in San Diego and we're

I want to

I'm in the

I would

you

I am not your life or your experience

the person that you want and you

what you're doing and how you can turn

I don't know what you're paying

I mean I could still bring like

it would ruin the better woman

you know

I wanted to one day if only it was just

I mean if you're going to go back

well laid down

you know

which is better than the way it is

and then

but there could be some

I don't know

I really you know I'm really glad I did it my way on this one I have

everything

actually your life

when you ask me what I think you're going to get an opinion remember you getting the opinion of someone else who's good ideas

I think you need hearing now you want to know what I think about you

it was great to be able to find a place to get

right

because it was like why did you know

I would like

getting around

I didn't even know

for a long time

I was not a one and one for the people who thought that I should just

and you know I would

and they weren't happy with me it was a very unhappy idea the whole

just

the woman who was thirty five years old

and

yeah I

how do you feel

thank god

several

right

well I never do it I know you can do anything

and I think we you know we had ours

over women do a baby shower is like

when people go to a funeral I have never

showers the woman

they don't want to you know

we will be going to graduate

eight months later

in the morning

hello

Peter

beautiful

you could feel it

no individual

they got in the way you would never

one of my

I never would have been

the witness

I was with my

in ability to

hello everyone else works right

I've never ever gotten over that have never invited anyone getting abortion again everybody everybody against

I never understood what the record means it's someone else the visual short people have to decide that I can debate abortion

right

for the

now

not anybody else

in short we have to be able to make choices

you know

we can do that

I think that the one most wonderful things about

we come here

I don't

in the

act like a lady the one

everybody knows

the only

thank you a lot of

be quiet during the meeting

we go

and then if anybody actually believe

when you come

and they get a lot of they come out from under the bridge for the call

and

and the purpose of the meeting is for the alcoholic

sometimes

you know

during a meeting with

interesting that

they have like

the line around the

in the middle between

hello

you know what the

you know in the middle of the night

they've run out of people

everyone

over the call

I want

like maybe you're quite an alcoholic drinking alcoholic will get when there's like nobody did anything about the quiet we believe and then they will deal with them after the meeting

the media continue in an orderly fashion

there's not a lot of

the space over people will expect

I have a line coming

they would rather

we don't deal with that we

you were able

adult children of alcoholics I don't like

I don't like

do you know

you know

I don't look like

Mr green

I just

thank you

we get it we get

we don't need everybody to like it was one that we

like you don't have to conform to whatever you imagine

you are

you really don't

if you were you are

but the internal human being that you are pretend to be someone

you can feel something you don't

because I believe in our own way I really do

when I was getting news from one

eight hundred people together and quit wearing

I did get

communicated what was going on

the meeting on

you would think they feel like they

you know I

please try

the people who I think really

you can

you know

because somebody

you're probably not ready to quit

where they don't even know where you don't

I'm leaving town tomorrow

or

I'm not sure everyone in the room is ready to restore

you know

here in New

do you think anything to

in the wings

please please don't

thank

thank you

your name anyway

great

radio and

well you know they keep watch my language

I don't

I think everybody you know but it would have killed me

all my life

the real

real real

revealed through a crowd on the side of

why am

in the mind I was going to read the book

thank you I thought you know they were granted to me because they were

the only level you know

I think people were drawn

why

really

it was like it was like reading regarding volunteering I wouldn't be here

if I had everything

I would it would like to be alive or dead I would not be here you have to have

your record

people won't work

it was just really

read all seven books on

women and women

eighteen

obviously you only know how to do

in the

more more

I'm not the only one we really don't know too much about going forward you know

the tower with

what we get there I believe in those

we don't

when I think about myself and my

in a loving god

foundation underneath

to accept this information and go forward I mean everything in my office and I can remember in the beginning of

you know when you are your parents

six months later

big

are you

according to

you want to talk about

because I couldn't take the pain anymore

Instagram would give you the ability

colonel relationship but I lived in my life because it's the only way I

but people for whom I would never

on Wednesday the rules change by tomorrow

the card everything

two three

I remember reading a book

the help with which recommended to me by someone

right

read the

nineteen

many many needed women

because

the only way I need to really

I needed to understand

if you are reading because I read over my life

I

the little genius

it was a moment sorry she was at the dinner table with her family and

the father

or whatever and she returned the volley independent

and her father told her to leave the table and go to the room

he went into the room and the money came into the room and

now you really

here

put yourself together

we just want to be accepted

now

what you

here return

read this book in public

two things and you know that

big deal a lot of people

going on in my life

thank god for meetings

American then you had your meeting

and we're not

the meeting with a baseball bat

actually beaten him to the ground

in the next week

because everything was going on

yeah

and we couldn't figure out what was going on for weeks in a row

we went to the meeting

right

I did with my

we talked everything

with important

and I would call to find out what I was doing right

read it here in America

I always managed to keep his name out

really

keep you from being reminded everyday

I would say that just before my father moved back to New Mexico they have your street

and you move with all the company left you're going to find out what you've done you ever been raised with far from our crystalline antiques and knowing you could never

you might break something everything was more important than you were you were never allowed to make a mistake

that group

I would do it again

they want like you're talking about doing that now I'll never do it

you know yourself as long

I could no longer pretend to be something that I thought they wanted

I had to accept the fact part of accepting me was telling them who I was and taken the chances and I would really like

but there was finally an understanding of what was going on I understood the dynamics it's like

if it hadn't been that it would have been something else I mean my dad was attacking me for being an alcoholic

he wouldn't even say anything to me like I lay in bed every single night wonder what I ever did with a daughter like

I cried myself to sleep every night I hope you're happy and that you've gotten what you wanted because you're ruining the last year I mean

over and over and over again everything I had with him before I got cancer

I was calling him again running another day in my life and

the bill

reporter

so my god thank you

yeah forty five of them played one year for one point five three years

keeping body and soul together

you know

this time it was like well maybe he's right maybe I won't be able to

it was like well of course I can support myself I've been supporting myself for years

I can make it without any help from your

is that you work through

well you know

in everything you've ever done for me and the fact is

anyway

I might not look quite good and maybe you can bail me out on my list I don't know

I know the answer those things but I know I don't have to sit here for the rest of my life

trying to be

you're only ten thousand dollars off the bill for the gave me a **** car

what

is that how you buy one is there any way you

really want to listen to my dad looked like you were having a really good day when I called you know you're

I said you know maybe you think it would be better for you if I

do what you want and I could not

if you don't want to call

well maybe we'd be better off

I mean things are running off their phone and it was like a

but it was a real letting go I really don't kid yourself

and they'll give you some

what you what you want because you know all I ever really wanted was

all I really want to

a look

or whatever I was doing it

I want five minutes of the week you know that would have been fine

because they didn't get it

I understand you have to learn

I understand you have to believe

I understand you have to

you've got to give it you got to give it away to keep and all those things we learned

and they couldn't do that but you know

because in my life because somebody treated them like sixty years ago

cannot be my

only one American has the right

the right choice for myself was to withdraw from it was a very good choice

when my father died yeah well

mostly I was just about the money

because I wanted the money

that money

and with a good job I figured well I'll get that money you know

we waited for him and fourteen but I could get warning

and my brother

he always liked better than women you will

yes but nothing for her

Peter

she was a lesbian

and refused to stop you refuse protection wasn't

you know you can come but don't bring him for those children who aren't

get a grip

they don't like you they don't like

my mother used to say things to me you're welcome to come back and be with us at any time until you have children

we raise we don't want to

and I couldn't get you know I'm ten years from Renee going

yes

we

we won't you know warning

the thing I love most about Alcoholics Anonymous is I've been able to be on level

I've been able to be on the running here and staying

I've been able to be all those things on the same day

like the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous we're just not all on the same day

you know you get to be there for somebody else because you know god then god willing another week you're gonna need them to be there for you

we don't

like totally giving themselves we are responsible however

to be here for each other it doesn't have to always be my turn to be there

there is somebody else who can be there I don't know if I'm not

or or

the person in the meeting that they bring everything right you know or whatever it is that we think we get into these eagle creek

but I can't be responsible responsible or something like

it was like oh my god you probably need to do that a lot of hours every week

sounds like

thank god for

notice when you quit and it sounds like

going over and over

working as hard and after Maureen and

he is the responsible means ability to respond

we're gonna make it something horrible awful so that when I finally learned that I'm doing it I can get a gold star

like in a in the only place you can get a standing ovation for doing what you should have been doing all along you know

thirty days call me when you've got three years

talk about your driver's license

we will we don't want three days we don't even try to

we know how hard it is to even entertain the thought of wanting to

overcome with incredible prior to stop drinking I didn't have

I don't I don't I don't know

yeah I guess

I don't think about it anymore but

what I have is

a real memory of why I

because I heard somebody say something in a

allow me

it seemed like a nice place

it's really easy to go to a when you're going for someone else

I mean you just heard I didn't during the day I went to my first meeting because I felt sorry for those of you who couldn't

I knew

India

I didn't need to because I

I never did drugs I never used needles

nobody ever offered me what

I will do anything at least once

but anyway I didn't do illegal drugs

I just took prescriptions I didn't care whose name was on the

what you were taking

whatever the story you

actually

working with the network

I'm not going to be my first day meeting but smelling better in that meeting was whatever it takes to make you stand I know what's the one thing that I do believe that what you said was very important for this

I don't believe there's a line in the world I'm waiting to meet that person was afraid to die

and you're crying in alcoholic with a threat of death I don't think so I remember my mother

he was about eight years over a year three months over what you got to throw the last

a couple of years were real bad

and there are

cramps in your legs all the time electrolyte levels you can bring

you can take drugs for anything because our liver was shot and died he said the doctor told me if I drank again I did not tell me it was gonna take so long

I don't want

we don't care if

how many of us will underline in a car wreck

blades of glory right but nobody thinks well it's going to kill me

it'll take five years every game going the hospital eighteen or twenty

maybe I'll be awake for we don't think about that

we do think dying so what

to me it sounded like a reward

like I've finally done enough I can leave

he'll call recess I'm out of here

I remember I sat on my couch

right after I get into my

and I thought to myself I really

thirty five god damn years

every day is he lied

thank you

hit the charts with is that all there is

you can call

it was that was the only one

and even in the ultimate road it was

but why bother because that's who will be a disappointment

and there was nothing in me you know I know alcoholic woman you know she attempted to commit suicide by

your life can laser

I didn't want to get in and you know

and I didn't want to really have reached the point

we had a lot of pain obviously

a lot of pain in my life and I definitely felt that it was a lot of pain when I called

I reached the point where I

and myself from everything a loving caring sweet thing in my life I had every great relationship even the one I was in we were just down for check out

we know

got rid of everybody with demands on me I have removed myself myself from every single thing in my life that I thought could want anything for me that I was going to be enough for

and I didn't feel that anymore

what I found was

really nothing to worry

nature itself of course a vacuum there is no such thing as nothing the emptiness of feeling nothing inside of me it was as though my entire being or being caved in on itself it was the most painful desperate lonely feeling I've ever had in my life but there was no pain attached

edible detachment like what are you watching the Davison black and white what you're doing thank you for your

do anything about it you want

and it was as though I were watching myself on the internet

and what I heard in their first meeting with

a woman said to me and everybody else was there with the newcomers meeting if you want to know the reason why you were born

we have that answer for you

if you want to know what the purpose in your life

we know we have

if you want to know

why we were here

what the purposes for your life or you have to do is not take wondering for one day

no regrets

and you will find out the reason why you were born

the bard rogue like me would not ever admitted that I give a **** about any

I really do would never have admitted in a thousand years but I never asked myself why was I born but the truth is I couldn't figure out what I was

I could not figure out what useful purpose record every

I felt like I was worthless and useless

I would no longer had any value for anyone

I certainly don't know valuing myself the only venue I ever had invited myself about me

and that would usually what they thought of me at the time based on what I thought they wanted me to be

you know it's like tell me what you want

and then I could never figure out why they never understood what I was or what I wanted from them I never told I never thought I had a right to one

I never knew that I had a right to

to be accepted for who are

think about having the right story bye

you know

I don't even have that right

I can have

standing

conditional love and I can recognize

and I can recognize that it doesn't always come from where I wanted to come over expecting but it's always there

the man that I love very much

you want that I don't need everybody to Love Me

I just wanted to people to accept me for who I am

eleven

and I'll be okay and he said I got my one or two that I know you've got your

when I really knew what he was talking about

those people had always been there for me and not everybody everybody this is going to love me my well being is not conditional upon that it would be nice I reserve the right to reject you of course

I want you

what I found out is

it really worked through the planning room

I only only only a conference

intelligent literate people to call the

white structure

yeah

you understand that they explained in the beginning of the fire marshal you know we don't want to be told what

hiring stories

he's nine years old playing the committee they didn't do it

I thought maybe after I talked I see if I can bring the right down

when I found out is that gun salute I do not have to

finally in a relationship for once for the only time in my entire life which I can never be rejected no matter what I do

god let me

have a

why did you ask to be born

the class

you were created

without any malice aforethought or you're part

he warned of the sorry

he's coming

coming around here we are and I believe that the act of creation as an act of love

and if god made me very happy

you can't help

here in the future like

not as you would have

everyone everything you really

no you maybe you're not in

you don't have the power

god may be perfect

you know perfect looks like

exactly the same way

god loves us

one hundred

exactly the same amount

we love you more than

impossible he could not log me more than

even though I do not understand if you're not wet my pants right now

I don't have anything in writing you do a lot of people because I talked on the thing I get calls from recovering

good

don't go to meetings I have no merit

what I can do is I can not limit

you know with increasing strain as I grow older

when I get the call now

it's like the thing for you

even with their legs with

I

you know

he doesn't need them there for someone else

the problem

today

it is unconditional it's always available all we have to

we need to improve our culture

with not gone will notice

watching

you know what you're doing

you just would like to know if you would like to be noticed by you it is a requirement

we can god cannot decide against

I could do more with only are not only one you know we can open it or close it ourselves but he doesn't get a

trying to see that it is so simple

it is the only thing that changed is when I believe in god

god our laughter

it's quite rampant either

or it is

I don't believe in

you believe in it real good chance I am not going to walk

story building

but the gravity is going to be the same further I believe in gravity or not

where you want to meditate on when you know many of us believe they got only

we believe

well that's the one I'm going to find

thank

they give me two or three more

and maybe

to work that way for your future limited

the other thing I

but one thing is created on your own understanding

the word limitations

god the government you are

think of the universe

thank you

so I did what I did was the first couple years I was

read a box

and everything that I've been trying to work

we we do we you know

thank you great

make a new job right now or maybe the one I have been going to have more money in

creative visualization anyway so

welcome to do what you want to raise or whatever and no way to get fired

and we're you know

the court itself okay look for a job well you still have one the concept is

in my life

I don't know that I operate well under pressure when I'm under pressure my operate under it so much good

he was the only time that we are not feeling

your place something between us a higher power

readers are in select or whatever yeah Charles Manson

anyway here's his love just as much

the difference is that I know what it

if that were to

the peer

and we could feel the thought of every one of those

each one of us would receive exactly