The 11th annual Live & Let Live Conference in Kansas City, MO

good morning I am there and I am an alcoholic

that's true those of you that don't know me for those of you that you

records show that I was able to battle with great

but what I'm here for

and I'm here to tell you about myself

the only thing I can do

any sort of reliability

I will start by telling you that I work after sitting there last night working the speaker I figured I'd better or something

it worked

things to do and I

I'm

I guess I'm supposed to do is tell you what what it was like what happened with us right now and there's a lot of information in there and I

you

I come from a lower middle class family

moved away in a hurry

my family background was one out of sort of a moderate amount of the standard abusive behavior

one of my earliest

memories of waking up with my mother standing there waiting to buy

and then after I

how to discover that it was because

post out of the creek

I really

he writes down something

taking offense posted everything so

I learned

that what they told me must have been right and I was given that I was ugly and then I would never amount to anything

over the years found that if you

something about a hundred and eighty seven thousand

don't believe anything right now with absolutely

throughout my entire career of living with my family that was pretty much what things were like

my mother married my stepfather when it was

seven seven before I was

because I was

all of your children do we follow we never get

what I remember just a few years ago telling one of my grade school friends about some of these occurrences in our house

we absolutely didn't believe it at first and I said well why would you not believe

your mother was right

it was the whole thing

Manley has abuse going on everybody's very publicly

private life

those stories where it's not quite so

and it's taken a lot of years

to be able to come to terms with some of that and to realize that a lot of what they told me this wasn't true

as far as my drinking career that was I would never do anything wrong I mean I couldn't because I know every

so I didn't have my

unlike most of the

I went went to a bar that was fairly close to where I live

well they should have put a plan out there for me that was where I mean very first

and I think that would

twenty one thirty three twelve years I

didn't ever wake up in the middle of the night we have a few beers on the back

I used to think that there were reasons for why I drank I drank

you forget

yeah that I would never amount to anything

and I drink so that I wasn't

so that I can pretend that I was a worthwhile person

I used to think that I drank because that was the only way that I knew how to

it was to get drunk and

and so they wouldn't take me to bed

when I finally figured out what we're what I figured out was that I drank

I was addicted to alcohol it was as simple as

I drank because they couldn't agree to

that for me

there's a lot of things that I can tell you about what happened while I was there anything that most of those are pretty irrelevant I was laughing

one of the primary memory

when I was in college I didn't

twenty

I remember walking across campus when there was one dollar and

and I was crying and crying and crying and asking the question why why did I have to be like

but I knew that I would not be able to avoid spending that last

and that's what they were doing

and your name

and that was very typical of me in a very critical of my

whenever I was drinking in fact I was crying so much the government declared

federal wetlands

it was it was getting worse and worse every day every day

I could tell that things are getting worse but I also knew that I couldn't quit

I could tell in different ways like the people that I was hanging around with

I am hung around with a lot of users

they have a couple of drinks and that was there you know nothing more to worry about

and pretty soon they were people who were drunk

and then there were people who work around

and then there were people that I didn't know

in the final round if I was finding new people to people that didn't that I didn't know they didn't know me

and they will put up with me

well

as you can imagine

there came a time when I was with the wrong people at the wrong time

and I ended up getting arrested for the crime of which was real thrilling

and then up in prison

and I did my time there was

very comfortable

grain sort of the way I always knew where my next meal was coming from I always knew I would have and then we can

but at the same time I was scared

and then I started realizing that for me being afraid with the normal state of being I was afraid of everything

being rejected by every human being that ever growing grass

because I was being rejected by myself

I finally had my

believed invalidated in that I was no good one day when I was

really beaten and stabbed and raped by

very large

at the time it was no big deal because they just proved to me that I was

during the day that I got out

when I walked out the door then I got home never drink again I know I know because I can't go

how does that because that's what people expect to hear from me

so for that I couldn't go back

for the first couple hours I didn't

coming home run for me and I will not

I will never get back into it because I'm not going to drink beer I'm gonna drink smart little glass of wine to celebrate my

for the rest of the afternoon

coming home party

somebody rather

another one rather few cases

thank you

and cried and cried and got lots of attention

it was because I was

installment from having been in prison

for me when I was

but it wasn't from being in

it wasn't too long after that that I get my first several

I went into a treatment center for valuation

and this is what I was told

you have a lot of problems the drinking is definitely not one of them

get better than that not on your life

I left the center on the

I was there for

the end of the driveway

on the way home

ground

as you can imagine I did some sort of way the court might

so I would go from one job to another job because they all figured out that I was an alcoholic

I don't know that I was because I was

because I have the flu

thank

or

or to

he goes on and on

he got a job

it was yet another jab

and I told my boss that I was an alcoholic and that he had to make sure that on every day I

because I was going to go that route and he

the previous

you're never late

I work at seven thirty in the morning

eight o'clock at night so I didn't have to worry about being late

it is

one of those well

in a blackout one

I don't remember leaving what I remember is going into town to run some errands it was right before Christmas

the next thing I knew I was getting out of the van it is that I didn't know

how I got here I'm not sure I think I hit

absolutely not okay

only we the people

the recording of a car

but apparently that's when I got back to

I started retracing my steps found out

lesbian friend of mine

borrow my car to take her to the hospital

yeah

I gave her the title sign didn't

I don't need it anymore

give nothing to nobody

that was not something that I'm very comfortable talking about okay I will it was a lot of

I'm one of those people who knew that I was

when I was there I had my first number one everything

okay he was an older man here they

he was also my best friend we also share the same last name

he was everything that I wanted to be

when we were in high school he was voted the best looking going to school

he was great he was waiting for me everything that I wanted to be that I knew I wanted

and I spent years

my

like what

he

we broke up when I was twenty one

and

may twenty first birthday

by the time I was twenty one years in a week

and I drink a little thing

some of the people didn't yet realize how ugly I want

and I was going out of

and the manager the bargain incredibly because I can't

you want

well

I mean I

twenty

really quite

you are looking

all of these are able to grab almost any man I want

I've been doing

the home

five three one

and it became one of those things where I can play well he wanted me

now

and they all wanted me for an hour

but it didn't take long for them to realize

great to be around for more than an hour

it didn't take too long before that one

maybe

for the

working

but then I made

for certain clothes

the way some of these men would take me home in the

and I worked very hard getting only the ones that would be to the point where we got neither has the owners one of the particular part number

allow them one night

change in going from this feeling with nothing

and do anything they wanted

and they

they prove that I deserve

and that I deserve to be treated

I would rather

as I would the right

time in my life I was absolutely right and these men were proving

that I was absolutely no good

really I lied

we don't you know like if you were if I were to rate all man I don't want to go with somebody that was in a

with the fire

and I got to the point where one would do

anyone with

one

well that will never leave my mind was that

I woke up one morning

I didn't know that I

home with me and I rolled over

green man

unbelievably over

and there was not one where his body that wasn't covered

to me he was very very

repulsive and I would never ever day yes

but then after I screamed I realize how bad

and at that point

I want to do is figure out a way

and he was

and wouldn't leave

well it is about a week or two weeks after that that being under the weather

three one Lincoln

a lot of the black out in the middle of the night

because your old one and I was very

that was in the

right

that was low thank

but it apparently wasn't as low as I can go because I didn't

and then I went to another treatment

another one and another one until I had

five different treatment centers

well

it never work

because I and I don't know why it didn't work because I went for almost every reason and everybody

I was not ready to quit

when I finally did

well I guess they're going to

and I discovered that it would work very very well I could do things like go to the meeting in like thirty five dollars for

what I do that every week thank you

three times a week I can go in and act like that

I mean they have a little problem

not when needed

and of course the money to get drunk again

there were

but when I

what happened was I had been going to meetings

claiming

because I was not

hello this

but I did not

I went to the

I told everybody how to stay sober

I mean they were it was great everything I seem to be magical for the

I one woman when they were sitting in a meeting between because

the work is

when you look at a girl

he remembered that

do you remember about five years later that was one of the things

over with hearing

well

I'm glad I was able to help

what time is going

really at this point despising myself because I go out on the court and go back in and collecting

I wasn't drinking

during my we

everything I couldn't face those people I'm

because I had a secret

and they didn't know what was

well I claim that I had one of the world's finest plane and ground

because it works

I knew that because of my mom's saying all the right things nobody would believe

I knew it

what I did was I went to a meeting

because I tried to tell them that I was using

they were

so I went home and on the way home and

that

right one

quickly as I could and I called up this woman that I knew would

all right you bet on your

people in this room

well the two of them came over to my house and we had to discuss

shares of living

here's what they said to me

tell me

no you're not

and they were right

I've never wanted to have a drink

I'm not sure exactly why they were right

and her live in the way I

I did manage

I don't know for sure what was going on with me again I mean I would

a couple years

but I remember the first anniversary of my

this is so easy

and yet I remember walking down the street

here's the

because I wasn't getting

I got a lot of attention when I was growing all negative but I got a lot of it

and that night I went to

right

these people do

I wish that they cared about me even though I was drunk cared about me and I do not

they told me that I was

yeah

but they only have a few of them during the first few years what I learned how to do

I did learn

I didn't learn how to put

I didn't learn how to

keeping secret

but eventually I did start learning those things

because the one thing I learned was that if I

all right

thinking back to all the behaviors that happen

four times I was intrigued

I left it was easier

no I have

I couldn't tell anybody about the abuse

I'm usually happens around people

I knew that they were just so many things I couldn't tell well after the first years

over

calling people little by little what happened to me what I have lived through

the card is the only one that I wasn't the only kid in the world

what the only one who's called Graham would never amount to anything

by the time I would

five years I started thinking maybe

maybe I was starting

well that was

back to school

went to school to learn how to be a computer programmer

but I didn't know that I really thought I want to do that so I went to this school and three quarters of the way through it I discovered now I don't want to do this ever as an application

but I

that's when I graduate

over the next

never use

I was out of that school maybe a month went back to school I went

like all good little

does anybody in her honor

and along the whole route I was good

it was a little hard to conduct this balancing act

do it I'm only here one day gone out milking cows and

I didn't smell too bad on these days and I didn't and that was on the

it went very very well I got out of school and immediately

one of the more

everything was going great

and I decided to move to California

I talked to a friend of mine out there

and

and about

three weeks after I was there

once I got out there I started job hunting but I

I couldn't move very well

because I didn't feel well

LOL

I couldn't live

and then I was having all these other problems

and I was out there about three months when

now I'm going

and all I could think of at the time of

but the doctor told me I would only live about

thank you after you don't know me very well

over about six years and I learned how to be a little bit

right like

I mean

a lot of people don't understand when they called on this but I will tell you the same thing everybody else getting a second best thing to ever happen to me in my life

I love

but not for the reasons you might think I'll tell you I love it

prior to it I had lost my

most of my friends because I drank my way through

yeah

yeah I was very happy

when I get

I have not been evaluated things like which is worth more diamonds

which is worth more than your car

and I started realizing that all the things in the world in the

but my family meant a lot to me and I needed

well my friend man

as much as they have become my family

gotten a lot of

right now we're getting slapped in the face with

in reality being that we are human beings we are mortal we can't do a damn thing about the weekend

something about our present and our future

being in a I had learned all these things like I am

well over alcohol

my life has become unmanageable it was

but then I turn around and re write

came to my aid thank

I am not

I am powerless over the fact that our

why can I give the internal lot of good direction

but I've learned

mmhm the aid program

it works well

I learned without any shadow of a doubt what living life one day at a time

not just doing it learn what it means

I'm down to seventy eight

my friends

and I've got something good from everyone of them

I can't get down long enough to realize how important my life is and how important the lives of many

and the lives of my family

yeah I learned a lot

I learned what it means when we talk about easy does it

there's been a lot of things in my life that I desperately desperately wanted

but I never did because I first of all it wasn't

I never had enough faith in my abilities okay well I can do that

I can do anything I want

for years and years and years

every spring and every call

because I believe

through because of a number of reasons the only

what are they doing about myself a couple of

when I got here the other day

but I because I choose to do

analysts microgram

it was making me happy

if I don't make myself and do it I

for me I can't do anything for anybody else

it is not only more

I learned early because of my life

in my life

incredibly light

even when you know one of those days where

everything in my life was going wrong get my windshield after the next yesterday I got around just down the street not far

thank god I wasn't wearing any jewelry and he didn't

thank you yeah he got what he wanted and I got scared thank you

I didn't but it wouldn't have been any surprise

but

not like these

and even on your days off

I don't

why bother

in December yeah not to be

server to be normal what I mean yeah is that normal is okay

a lot of my friends not accepting normality and that's normal is not mean perfect

normal does not mean I have a **** eating grin on my face twenty four hours a day because I am so happy

I'm not always but I am only normal

I am absolutely always normal

there's been an incredible amount of

in my life

from

these days I am so busy at the time which is wonderful

because I know that I can do the job that I have to do

I know that I have enough intelligence

do the things I need

to make me happy into the body and soul together

I am very very things that I need to be successful

one of the things over something over five thousand

because I couldn't stay sober for five seconds before

with my businesses

I didn't want to spend my time with things that are important to me I have a three and a half year old grandson

here's a little story about him and this is one of the proudest days of my life was on my birthday last year it was two and a half of the time we were in a restaurant and this would stand up and start spending

in this restaurant people are looking at him and he turns around he goes

right

I sat there with tears running down my face and on this whole audience applauding

well that does

and he's not the only one

and I learned a lot of that for you

I learned from this trial

things about me that I

I didn't even know were possible I learned that I can be a big person I can be

I didn't know that even after

here's a severity

and be the adults if I

I learned that I can be positively stubborn

and I am very stubborn hopefully in a positive way

I'm stubborn enough that I'm the last four occasions when they told me I was

probably die within a couple of weeks

you know me better than that

go around

I still

there's there's a lot of things that I've learned to understand absolutely

I work this program I will start over absolutely

I've learned

the expression live and let live has another part

and then you can let

it's very easy for me to somebody else it's very hard for me to let someone else give me on an emotional or personal level and I'm learning that it's okay for me to be a giving person

for me to let someone give

the price

but it didn't

I know

exactly what is meant by easy does it

it myself over doing lots of

there is absolutely no similarity between my life now in my life

thirteen years

I don't feel like the same person

even though I know I have the same body I don't

part of me has changed and it will

the way it is now

grow

but I don't go back to the

I want way back when I said that I would not want to there was one time for two seconds and I wanted to have a drink

I was on my way home from a friend of mine

and I heard all these lies about I heard that he died from cirrhosis of the liver

news

I heard that he had died from a heart attack

I heard several other causes of death after the

never because you see that we are

after all that we don't get that part you know that

well I still do

but

while I was driving down the freeway I want

a lot of ground to make it all go away

and then I learned

wait a minute that's not even an option anymore

I have different options for any kind of feelings emotion problem whatever that I'm going through then one

it doesn't have to be one

whereas before it was the only one

and I think as a result of all that I can honestly say now that I'm

okay

I don't run around grinning all the time but I don't hurt

usually I do occasionally and

and I'm grateful for every one of those feelings

because without some of the sadness without some of the

always enjoy

there are a lot of

I'm not sure most people have seen the movie name at one time or another where she says to her friend

the line

life is a banquet and most poor fools are starving to death

look at it this way I may be getting in the house and this is

and that's that's all I can say about things over

other than to say that if I can do it anybody can do

because I'm just like everybody else I wasn't drunk I stopped drinking

that's really about all I have