Gratitude Conference

hi my name is alcoholic

make a note

we worked on it a little easier for

this week I've been working on this letter

I'm not too concerned with what I have

sometimes when I'm going to wear is more important

the more I worry about that the more guys take care of other things

and whether something like god grant me the letter the things that cannot

and the wellness

and

this morning out of the blue

we all came into my hands

from home and I had enough money to buy that sweater

but I said I don't want to because it's not going to change anything about me

this moment

I decided instead to close my eyes

what

it was a gift from

several years ago he bought a

you couldn't wear it in public

so he knew I could and a large part of my story is is the right thing the people have brought into my life

all the wealth of things in my own mind has created for me

you know I've become open who of the kindness of others

all of that I want so much of my story is quite ordinary

I think one of the things that people the people are saying about me is that I don't

without a certain amount of suffering in your life people aren't wrong

but I refuse to take on anymore in order to drive me out of myself

but I come from a whole family

no as I recognize it yet today

from a five

people were back on

I have a brother and two sisters my father traveled a great deal in in my youth across

finally in Nova Scotia

repressing the marker I don't really know where

then you might know my dad he was the manager

thank you everybody

one of the

one of the threads of my

some of the people with whatever I have to tell people what my father did for a living separated me from them that they would

there are usual car

because most of the other families there there were

background

and only

younger years even at that last year I was adopted or

and I was wrong even though

I'm almost

all that I didn't think I belong because the longer the planet I found it almost impossible to integrate myself with people around me the other

you recall I cried all

the writing on the back how you got along with people to get what you want to

it never worked and nobody can do the reverse me either I would never

you have the

hi Michael with like that my parents loved me the the well maybe they didn't try

give me the opportunity all right

I never felt obligated to tell my parents

let me

on my own dream following

I'm very grateful

I walked through high school

I did a bit of college

at a very young age I knew that I was a little queer boy

one of my earliest memories of a man was found it was going to hold a

four five

and we're at ground and they were guys older guys taking showers

you can go in there and help them more

something about that

bodies in the call I knew I wanted but I didn't know if that is what

when I was old enough to realize that they also realize what are called

very good everybody

one of our

it offers because I didn't know how to deal with the didn't know what to do with it you know

he was getting

some of my good friends and they are called

all in the morning

flooring and it was all as I look back now

I myself wasn't

there was another one of the ways that I would

could never never

although the very early age I started writing and painting and doing everything I

they didn't know how to I couldn't figure out a way of communicating people are wanting to

you can communicate with them and you know what I

what happened you know so I didn't and I'm grateful that I didn't get

you know I did have a

whatever wellness

a lot of it comes back

completely

my only after a bad year college when my my drinking started online there's a blackout thank

even before I started drinking I

Frank you know you

the you don't remember what you did

and when I qualify yeah if I could remember what they did the night before I did not have a good time

thank you

they started out like once a month every month and quickly built up to one week I'm

I could never drink enough but one time I was drinking a lot for a lot of

when I started I I was I went from my personality things are going

and even with my

somebody who was

the look like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde hi I was not a nice person

probably not as bad as I think I watch which is the part I think of our disease many years

that's right the way we work you know that that I know I went to my

the other thing that came into my life very early age with you and I will live my life as a constant

you know the first thing the first thing that goes on in the morning after I got my

for heating

right now

the whole life without it is like a life without this program of recovery and the third or fourth thing

in my life

over the last

seventeen years

three hundred

some of you may know I'm I will work and live theater and the director and

it was about

the music and one of the characters the best about

and in his

Dr okay I don't think it matters what it is

operator the one thing in life

and for many years the one thing at all times

and I think that's why it's so important to me

I'm in my early twenties I got a job with players on the

talking with them for about two years my thinking escalated

latest related by the end of my drinking I was someone who wanted to wake up

I was also someone who is

all the money that would be probably has gotten good reviews

have a very good

recently warning

the poll you know somebody who had all of those things like help me will make me feel whole and complete and happy and I want to

I would often wake up quite disappointed that I was looking back on it now I realize that it was because those things are designed to do what we call their design do you know it's nice to have those things those things

whatever that whole days here those things are designed you know the accurate

they don't have a record of my drinking I was doing anything I could call it except not drink and even those times when I would call for a couple of weeks

thinking it was the next

in

I started making all my dreams one

I would have like a huge gallery and I would depending what if I was having one of the things that we find out what I called wealth grew drivers would be would be more than five

going to the store and I would take it up with all stay the same

is that I would just make me stronger and stronger but I would have something somewhere in my apartment

Robert

you know towards the end of my drinking I drank sitting on the floor because I had a coordination problem

everything I needed with it within my reach my telephone on my stereo you know seven or eight or ten albums I thought I would want to listen to that

everything that I wouldn't have to I I found a bucket that was part of my day when I started vomiting I wouldn't have

well over it would be there I can

I thought I was so lucky

I started having hallucinations language

hallucinations when I was lying in bed I was sitting on the edge of the bed or moving out there

I would have auditory hallucinations are with your music coming through the walls

I would hear people across the street parking about me

I wish your telephone ringing

I was having visual hallucinations

south of the corner of my art I

and I had emotional

waiters or waitresses who was behind bars obviously one

you

yeah a little lot last loss of contact with any kind of reality

they are happening

so

I was in

I didn't connect any of the things in my life any of the problems like problems I was having

they were all people places and things that was that was because I was living in a little

little town in these calls I was so I'm happy to

I had no community I have nobody people at work increasing to work at it

you know all of that it was

I never saw and

the connection between my drinking and my

vomiting

going back

you might as well

during one of my last

the drinking I I had a copy of the body politic started to find out about the gay community

thank

there was a crowd on the back of it with the phone numbers for different organizing and coincidentally one of those organizations a member of the program and

talking to him on the phone and I was breaking up

working out there something in

you realize that I was

we

more information about the program and I look

the government told her I think I

not only to say that I was an alcoholic or could be

home even though I was getting something coming up

it was very odd whatever whatever

around that was when I moved here I got in touch with him he

you know I didn't come here looking for what I have today in the way I have

I certainly didn't come to my first year of recovery looking for recovery I didn't come in looking for recovery I can because this is a place

well look

what else was there for me between the hours of seven AM anyway on a Friday night

before I went too far

you know so I went to meeting

and I went and I went to going to the newcomer

it's simple

after about a year old meetings I like

the jobs that I've had for about

after twenty years that you've operated with the way things were done

it'll be a

you know I got the

today you know and I think that was my first experience around

and my experience as a result

in my experience being that all of those things that I

exactly those things that would do it for me

is that what we do it for me would be to render whatever with

and that's what the answer

and I think would be

so I I haven't heard a page now

senior might be longer I I could lose

but I'm not

yeah

if you call me now and then

I almost implicitly what the will of my higher power

and all of that I have discovered and hearing here sometimes directing my own life sometimes but witnessing and other people

you know god is making race yeah I don't want to go

no I'm not going to have a

you go through what you went through

and I'm not going to be great

all of those things

yeah

the journey of my recovery is

probably more impressed me more than the process of making it you know if there's anything unusual about my about me becoming a problem I don't have any of the classic markers of being an alcoholic

it it's not in my family or my grandparents

you know it was it was it was gonna be dropping that into my life

sometimes the

anything in the way I did during those formative years of my life I might

I don't think I could have emotionally

the call

some of the conflict

going up in a small town all other

going on you know I would

I probably would've but hadn't been drinking I would have

LA rather ironic way alcohol

your life

it was like being in the program maybe five years before I can honestly say that I am an alcoholic

I would

people wouldn't

things that need to be L. I. F. because languages with my

we know how to say the right things at the right time the people at the right distance from me are sometimes in the kind of

I don't know if I'm grateful for that or not the way it was you know about the five year plan yeah

the project lifted recently that I was able to be in other people's lives things that were in my life that I didn't recognize that in there and the Nile and alienate

that I had thought I was able to direct in my life

it wasn't until I get your point that I realized that this program is my

you know for a long time recovery was something that I was doing in my real life

this is what I'll be doing now

tell us your call

this project

you know this is my life and that it is the the not only is the bedrock

things that part of the twelve and twelve

so not only the bottom line but the top line

nothing I do or would want to do is more important in the healing my recovery

and nothing I do or I want to do

right of my recovery

I would much rather

to be at my meeting

the afternoon

in line with anyone

in fact

wartime crimes like that

in a professional way but in a more away who needs

this is what I need where I know many things

fallen into my life that that would never happen or if they did I wouldn't be able to

it's a live walk through

to be aware of and to recognize I live alone

in that one of the things

you can prioritize how many different things but one thing that has a really profound influence on the direction of my recovery is

which gave me the

thank you bye

yeah because I don't I don't buy

they don't let the people I care for the

I'm very wrong

it is very intimate with that awful I don't put up with

and it's going to learning for myself as well as

my expectations of other people that I was able to acquire

right now all of the problems the interaction that I brought with me as a child and then as an adult I was able to do that

the call

great

I learned what I often call the limits of love

are you black almost all part of the solution love conquers everything

when I entered into a relationship with another alcoholic and my love for that person didn't conquer your yell or do anything

I thought there was nothing wrong with me

wrong with him

your change

you lose your will power and

I discovered that all love does your

and you make me comfortable with my

it doesn't do anything for you

I still have my

there's nothing wrong with my ability to lock your car

yeah mother Karen markers

your

at one time I thought it was like

that number

the only person I know who work in other people's lives

it was very tough getting out you're losing a lot of everything

because I so much want to believe that if there's still time when I look at what you know there are times when I would have refused to allow that I may have to return to their brain through that little thing that talking around the corner

the end of the two or three things in my life

thank you mark

the limit of what love can do

I was in the middle of my

very my recovery

several of

credible he says there are my relationship with them are the ones that work are very intense they're emotional they're you know

I do hello

good

well

one of the things about

the most rewarding is that I can see those things that work in my recovery working

is that my recovery is not so it's not so unusual so

but those things that work on the work

if they do work for other people

my relationship with my equally in that he is with me when necessary

and a lot of kind of laughing about our lives and and in the way we

South Park

in our lives the

and it was important for me to have a

the card long enough my dear I don't want to do it

here

right there's a lot of that I think the program is giving you the ability

you know when I

well promises

having a lot of things in my life

terrifies me you know we will including a lot to do with

like all the

here you you do something

why didn't

today I do

to do it I willing to do it

is that I didn't learn I I learned that by making

by phone okay I'll be there at six thirty in our pocket and

the meeting and when we were talking I will

great day it's not that I would get the meeting hi there I was there I couldn't

you can get away with it

and if the doctor

our responsibility

the card is going

during a business meeting

meeting me how to listen to what people have

how not to take things personally

if somebody didn't think we needed at our meeting what

because we need you know and I

get over my

well I learn if I was going to make suggestions of things to do that I've got to be willing to do it

you know I think this would make our meeting so much better than I better stay a member of that group long enough

two months later because nobody's doing it that way and not to take those things

you know it is this is the way life happens you know it

I don't in any way now the way

well it looks pretty hard too hard for me yeah I don't think of anything in my life like

this is the way life in a way

they are

and this is what you know and I do the grace of god very comfortable with the way things are not like them

but I

and in our lives today there's so many things we do not like

one of the things about

name

one of the founders of my recovery

and I'm one of those people who

there her

and

you need when when it first started happening

the buying or not quite that friends of friends of mine and then close there and watching how it with a lot of people's lives that began to get quite angry that nobody

but what I wanted was for me knowing that I want somebody else

I wouldn't have to do anything I wouldn't have to

watch going on

right after yeah within the

here are three or four years

quite often and

what happens with other people while I was on hold for several people

it remembering that

this past week

early because there's a couple of them were very involved in what we have today

you know and that reading the little introduction and you're talking about radical thinking years ago which I was

and

and I don't know anything else that I can

are you worried

one of the organized

he denies that he

the first time I met him look like

the bad drag queen with a really horrible rain

the

get things done and the thing that made me laugh and

he didn't mess around with people who did the first graduates enter the start of the second one half

three years ago

it was it was it was a little heartbreaking

another member who I want to know where

well who is that here call my

you know my my

who is the

it was also one of the first people I met maybe

programs work from my home

and who also is grateful that I never going

he left town before I even started there you go

he was one of the many Catholic coming back because he had a he had a power of liking him and the willingness to be who you are

they gave me I was there when I got to know him towards the end of his life I discovered that I also gave him that we were meeting each other

in the wake up with

you are alive

the willingness

right

I think they were very I don't think I could have experienced the death of your friend without

I would have I would have run

I would bring my

that I I would have known that myself

you know that there are more people

we are ready

you know it's not any easier

I have a greater

not as much anger thing you

we'll have a have a great

and also because I can't do anything

another thing is very close to my recovery is meeting

even after the third time I guess or maybe we can make them a priority I don't know

thank you

well I'm

yeah there might

I don't know where I would be

I go to meetings when I look around I think

look at my watch

you know I I I feel nothing I I'm getting nothing

what I'm getting is my subconscious being willing to be there I'm getting another another affirmation

if you are viewing experience the magic in the program is being where you don't want to be looking

on here and that will keep me well

and when you're doing it without knowing what it

home group

thank you

I've got my downtown group hi one of the

the group has a working group in the east and

well in a group of one of the things that is no longer and there are there are other

well

on my own in the wilderness right now

in a recount they

the things that happen in my life in the last few weeks

sometimes it's easier for me to understand how the program works

hawking about what happened to me and how I

and I don't know what that is I don't know what it covers but I know the program is allowed me to be there

the call was very emotionally

a difficult difficult for the people who are in it not really difficult because of the tax

it's hard enough because one of the

after two weeks of the round the side of the call

and

it took me like two seconds despite what you

would you like to try this you all have any kind of any kind

I knew who exactly the Colin who what I did not do was go to the guy who is leading

and

any number

I did I did that okay if this is your thing then we can go on without

and I let him go without

as in one of the steps you need to run from the situation R. recriminations

because the discover card even in ways that are much

you know and all of the cast none of the

a situation that happened

doing anything that would be all are trying to

would only make things worse they would not make

you know you've been trying to convince them not to do it without it

and I don't know if this is a defect or not but I I didn't have I think I have too much pride

that I don't have to take people to work with me

if they want to that they will get their name because they are not going to do the job I want

you know and so willing eager and cooperative and

good because of that

great thank you everybody

to go through that and I think one of the reasons they were able to do it because I was

and I was willing to look for a loose

going forward in the direction that we all wanted to go forward

the day after he told me he was leaving another member of the cast you know I don't

right

so what I did with tell me the five minutes before curtain

so one product I went like

and I laid out if you think that happened

I don good ratings the second guys now

I'm thinking maybe this is what I

hi

and the

that I

you agreed with what I

would like

you know and and I did it

none of the other cast

because they were the right one it was announced that another we would have to close

and that we would expect consequence but I didn't want you know I did the

I did work with the ethical and

I didn't put a gun

I think we also note

one

that wraps either

I was able to walk through the

I didn't have to

I didn't have any idea

I didn't do any of those things that I might have done that would normally I didn't

have the right

you know I go someplace you have like a

is that what the restaurants around you know the past accomplishment

you know a lot of

get me through the

right but you know

what do you know if I can have a dear friend

I can walk with the same kind of what I call talent

one of the things that also help you with this when I talk about these things back to work I want to talk about having walked

you know it knowing that I will thank

things in my life in a way make golf more compact

for myself and others and I naturally

and that comes from here and only here

the program it has been arrested in my life I came here somebody who needed that didn't even know why you know I sort of walked out of a hole in the in the in the fog

you're looking at all these guys coming back looking like one of those compounds that never really happened

I came here a

with with

all my friends

and we're going to put the car in the parking lot

good riddance thank god nothing

I have experience in being given all of the things in my life that I would get

as an alcoholic

how being at the right party drinking with the right people the right

things we have to

you know that my dear well power would make these things happen my magnificent

you know it is like being here

by being willing to be here I have a

normal life today I think one of the reasons that I walk through what I do is because my life isn't one that

well my life is one thing that many I know the last time I had in my life the more I get

you know being the more things I have in my life more

with all of them and I don't care about

I generally end up with a little

there is

well if I can remember it

on page one hundred the only number I can call

and it goes something to the effect that then as you walk the journey you will be amazed

your life

are quite often enough

he will always be better than nothing

or your I could never afford this kind of a life

I don't think I could have ever hearing

the kind of love that I

and the living sometimes way out Hollis damage

but I do experience

that

people who are having a hard time or having a good time

on cloud nine

coming back

but you've got a thing out here

it gets better if you're not here I don't deny the people outside of the program these laws

but they won't let this program bring to them

and I'm so grateful that I thanks for