Jack M. from Kansas City, MO at the 11th Live & Let live Roundup in Kansas City, MO

this is the

my name is Jack and I'm an alcoholic

when I came to New York City

on my first meeting

I had no idea that there was going to start on a life of not drinking

it was twenty years old at the time

and I was having a lot of trouble with my drinking

I heard that I was having trouble and

called me up and asked me if I would want to go to a meeting

this is about a few days before thank

new year's

so greedy girl and

on the way in New York City my parents had moved along by then

on the way and I dress six back to the meeting

little was I to know that that was the western

whatever you think is going to happen when you wake up in the morning don't count on

it was probably the last thing that I thought that I was going to be introduced where a lot of that was going through

make me whole

the first time ever spoken where I need

for an hour

I can't imagine anyone having any you know that much in one hour

the last time I spoke to two times ago the first thing people want to know is after they found out how long hours over was

one know how old are

that was so I'm forty three and I have to wear glasses now

it just does I'm getting old

I have all these nice things but basically throughout

the next hour I'd like to talk about being a success

and what and what each one of us

what

so just try to remember that as I talk about my story and about some of the things

because one of the one of the things that I never expected was to be

I never had any goals in line with that

I was going through life

that's what I want a lot and if I get it I will be a success

I don't know if that's good or bad

the way of life

what made that comes in a whole lot of different ways

I didn't expect him to be in the way that it happened

a little bit about my story

it took for someone who grew up in New York City news

you grow

three four five

the first recollections I have of being in an Irish bar

all the plays football during twenty semi pro

I remember

I remember

right right on the street corner

right

well it was a lot of violence

I didn't turn out to be very violent person

I try to avoid

I think a lot of it was close by watching my mother

it was an honor whatever

I'm older

not untypical of family my mother was a friend

and that side

okay

I heard me singing I don't know I just know that for some reason there's a duality about me where

many cases I'm ruled by

the Irish

lifestyle

I love

there's this German look inside of me that wants to work

sixteen hours a day and

I didn't know about that

but I I grew up in a household where education was a premium

well we had no money we grew up in the projects

we go

we we went to some of the best schools in New York City

the schools in New York City where in our neighborhood

I had a quality education

I went to a Catholic school in

in the ninth grade because I think for a few reasons I think my father wants me to keep me away from women

you are

he was a believer in in in the classical education

require

we're

and so four years I went to

cool Brooklyn and

it was very nice very romantic

on Thursday morning

the women away from me and and and when I turned fifteen a sophomore

I drank

during the graveyard

during the course of the year strong love

and from there on I realized why everyone in my family

it was quite evident

it was

going through life without having to deal with the

so one of the things that I found an alcohol

was it was a pleasure and not what I saw every time I

I saw it I saw people living in

the loneliness of growing up and then later on realizing that it wasn't just the loneliness of growing up it was the loneliness of being a human being

because I think one of the things that separates us from animals and lower forms

the fact that we are conscious of all lonely

we are the only

only only living on the back

we have to go through life alone

I like the fact that we grab onto friends lovers

parents children

and boy

every waking moment we are alone

the the only answer was alcohol

that was my solution

through the long

the guide to

I had everything on the surface that you might

right thank

one

I had lots of friends I was

well I was a star on

the best team in the tennis team the baseball

I had all of them

but those didn't seem to do anything for

what what what what was missing inside

bill good recurring

for fifteen to twenty

what I found in the last year was

I would

you know most people think about paying the rent

about doing

my first idea with the paycheck was well how much can I drink with

and this is this is what I thought about having to pay put myself through college

my parents wanted me to have an education but they didn't have the money so they said well you've got to go to college but we can't give you any money

so I got a job as a bartender

on Long Island railroad

and I worked the bar cars going to

after that all the beautiful people

it was it was it was fun because I could do it either had to do

what does

and

hello

despite the fact that we had everything on the outside going for us

we were we were reading at that time this is nineteen

sixty five sixty six sixty seven I was introduced to

they could launch our own on the road

and I live all the life of the hipster

I thought of myself

as a Brandon being

sitting in the bar drinking away writing

going to be the life

it was very romantic

I was I was going to college

and I was doing sort of okay

you know I was

we get ninety one to master and seventy cemex

I was so radical

my parents during high school had to literally not let me out of the house

six to nine months because my behavior was so wild when they when I do well and they let you know that are immediately when I went to more special classes in back many students in school one one one semester I would be in the right class and the next semester I'd be in class with all that so no one ever

what what I was

I was always hanging around with the wrong element

little did they know that I was the wrong element

I was the one who is always looking to get in trouble because what would you do on Friday night and there was talk about throwing snowballs at cars and stuff and I know you like

you know if you had a car with a light bulb

what

but

and that's what we

you know I wasn't

but I was

no one ever called

knowing

so

my life

when I grew up I was a kid who always

I was the kid who was always work permit from the Clarence is going to get into trouble

and then one day out of the blue

I tried to stop drinking

I was trying to jump through a plate glass window

I have been told that I was going to be walking out of college

things were really going down

restricting every night in the dorm

I tried to stop

and the final work what happened I was in a bar and you can open the warranty why would you want to

when

you know you're gonna drink

you know it's inevitable you look at your family your look at your life is just no way you can stop so you might as well drink you might as well realize

your life is going to be one of you know you're going to die by the age of twenty five what are you going to get married a couple kids speak to watch the

the life of your father

and I accepted all of that

I made a decision in that bar that night that's what was gonna happen

if I got about twenty five that would be okay

if I lived the life of my father that would you know I was resigned to killing myself

and I just remember the despair that came over me at that moment

well

you're welcome you for your

so I don't think

you can start over

without having to come to that point

because it takes something back great

so look at

you know what am I doing wrong

it was at that moment that I didn't think there was any hope for this

my ankle

he was

she was in her early thirties

thank you so

and the year before

I had blacked out new years with her and her brother

I knew I had a problem

thank

he just started to call me up so I went I went to this meeting and

it was it was about three hundred people in the meeting

people talk about alcohol

and the guy comes up to me and so you must be in the choir

this is anonymous

you know you look like one

hi my name

five minutes before the end of the meeting

the one eighty eight party

in the

one was on the west side

everybody non alcoholic wine

it wasn't very good at

you know why would you want to

yeah I never I never drunk one

remember my opening wasn't the best so I've never had things like waters or more to readers or

any of those fancy drinks

the closest I got to martini was great

thanks

I met a guy that night second party was on the west side

what kind of people

middle class

and

to me and started talking to me and asked me if I had a couple with drinking and I said I

but I didn't understand you know I

I have heard people talking about being an alcoholic and I didn't know what I'll call it meant

and he said do you think you're in a call concerning them or not

I just know that I drink a lot

can you look me in the eye and he said well I'm an alcoholic and I've been sober for five years

in my life is great

if you think you have a problem

maybe it's time you stopped drinking for a while do you

more

that's how we're going to

that night we stayed up all night

I went home the next day what about

what this man has

somewhere in the next two or three days

I just made the decision

I didn't really think I was an alcoholic I didn't know I was I guess the most

the one emotion that I can remember at that time was that I was very confused about who I was

I think the the emotional confusion

was the predominant feeling that I had at that time

like an outsider everywhere I want

right I never belonged to a group

the thing that I could join with

I liked individual sports more

I didn't belong to any club

people ask me to join a why would I want to join

and then they said it was going to say

and I didn't have any money

someone gave me a big book

now having trouble understanding the idea of what's going to happen in the later

I went to a meeting once in the Bronx and I was with someone else after the meeting they said well what did they

because

we sometimes mine collections are

on the stand I'm going to try to be more specific what I say but

bear with me my upbringing

sometimes get in the way

welcome

one of the things I wanted to talk about was being different

and how I felt when I first came in

how to separate ourselves

personally

when I was twenty years old and I think the nearest person in age from me was

somewhere between twelve and fifteen years

and so

I looked around you know

I think that's going to distinguish me from everyone else

yes every you know they told me to identify

he told me that

all workers in our core doesn't have anything to do with gender or race

so why don't I just go to meetings and relax and maybe I was an alcoholic

and if I didn't want

what what they have to go out

and I thought that was pretty

no real

they didn't fit in with

you know how to handle you know the ladies

who were

bargain over usually come up

so look

just so lucky

I'm looking for one of your

yeah there

even if I wasn't drinking I wanted to be somewhere other than

the life of me I couldn't understand social

you know I could go to a meeting together

why you would want to go there and

these people who had nothing in common with me other than the fact that they drank too much at one

but their wives and their husbands

I kept myself while I was in the

but I knew I was there I was certain I was certain bands and these were the only people that knew what I was going

and I was going through the sharing

and you know after after about three weeks

we remember

normal people when they stopped drinking don't go through the shared

I was an alcoholic

things like

the fact that I could identify what most what the people said at the meeting

when you think these

when someone is shaking hands

right

but you have to have a meeting at two weeks in the program and its old soccer

we cannot give you W. wise I've been in jail I'm going

for two hundred thirty pounds

he goes on

that I know that he was just

and that was my sponsor

but what he what he recognized that I was looking for an hour he wasn't gonna let me get away

after the meeting he walked up to me and he told me that

his his name was called

they're not to listen to these little **** anyway

about my story about my program

make reference to a one I have a real difficult time with

a lot of the jargon

and in the course of the time that I was introduced

there weren't very many halfway houses

there weren't very many like psychoanalysis

institutions

the closest thing they had was the VA hospital

and when you went to the door

and so

a lot of the garden today of codependency

our very own

and I have to apologize over the course

very very much about those kind of things

I was brought up in this program I believe a few things one of it is you just don't drink

the other thing is if you go to meetings

the other thing is that you read the big man

that's where

that's right

for a long time I didn't understand

a lot of what was going on in there

and I got very angry

because I found people going to these

psychologists like

I am bringing back some of that your going into the meeting and bring back a lot of the concept

I didn't understand it and I got very few

two I've had to struggle with

today I understand that there's a lot of wasted space over and gets over and it's not necessarily the way that I

for a long time I had a lot of difficult

we're understanding how other people got sober in the present

so you'll have to bear with me because the message that I have

is is more like the the crotchety old timer who are

I don't

in the back of the club

please consider reading drinking

but

realize when people ask me how did I get over

during the wake up in the morning and I just

sponsor of one service over the next seven months I was living on the east side of New York and apartment

I called them up and I was given you know the sob story of my daily

having a thing going on and on

well you have been successful

there's not much you can do that

there's really not much the guy was right

you know you can sing the blues all day you can talk about your troubles

was that I had

six

and if you think you're

this is a question of

you got a leg up

the way I look at the cost of the program at such a young age I don't know I had never told me what to do

they call me I would

the curse of the generation

yes

you know they break the promises here before the meeting

well I was over fifteen years but we I mean unless the rather

but I never knew there was any promises

well I only wanted was to be sold

I never wanted anything more than that

everything that I've gotten from a it's been great

go through life not expecting anything

now when I hear the promises right I wonder whether or not it's a good thing to spend so much time although it is a lot of hope

when you're in despair

cracked is most of the things that I never thought I would have when I got on they were surprised

I didn't want to go a lot of money

I was

a little less than two years

when I got drafted in the army

that number is going on

I couldn't imagine going into the army and stains over

you know

there was no meetings in the army

but you know the deal is there

talk about

well people nowadays talk about fellowship is like a social

you know the social club and they go down to the meeting

and the fellowship so

it was the intimacy between two alcoholics

I never wanted to hang around with other people believe

you wouldn't want to

they just warm up you know

our people thirty five

it will only

and I think I look

so it was to teach me how to live out the world

you know it wasn't teach me how to live in a

grant

we try out things within a and we learn how to act

by acting with

you know we developed friendships we learn how to

we learned how to crawl right

learn how to lay out

we learn how to be friends with the nanny but eventually we have to go out in the world

and we have to get a job and we have to interact with those people and we can't have temper tantrums at work

get rid of a miracle

three

people out there don't

people here but they can't help you in your

so

I can't remember when I had

your friends with two years ago

an officer over twenty two years

hi people I went to meetings with her I didn't have a lot of bad

because I missed an awful lot

in this part of our story

it's not so great

I got isolated

program

I couldn't handle being

I was able to handle being different early because I wanted to stay sober so bear

they're not doing anything I believe in god

I believe

do you believe in god because someone said to me

if you believe in god

and I do believe in god so I said well I guess I'm going to stay sober enough so that you

during the time I was in the army

you know

the ones that I went to

this thing was so was probably one of the most difficult things that I had space I've always been very spiritual

and I grew up on

lots of

fourteen

but I never could understand why anyone would believe

and are you still

even the

hi I believe very strongly

in a higher power

one thing that's great about this program is in Norman said are hard to believe

and no one said I had to do it their way

and I'm grateful for the fact that I can be different

and that I could have one program and I can be so good today and not have someone told me that my programs I don't believe in the

and I've never heard anyone

so for anyone who's new

and who looks at the twelve steps and sees all the references to hire armed guards please

do not be discouraged

because when I came in

the first thing that I thought it was

I'm not going to get through all of them are going to get through the insanity

all of my life

and still try to believe in this car

whatever it takes place over

doing so on the

a person

that's the other side of

very very practical program

on the one hand it gives you a call

which is of course optical what you're going through life and the other fifty to some very tangible things about how to stay away from occurring on the

one day at a time

what a concert and then to learn that the rest of the staff and the rest of your life the live one day at a time they were

and the fact is

confidence but not in one day's time gave me try out other things one day at

yes

the fact that I even wrote this out is a miracle because I don't I live in

I very rarely ever think about tomorrow

make sure that I take care of things thanks mark thank

and when I come to

you better be doing what you're supposed to be doing today

and if you do those things tomorrow will take care of it so you don't have to worry

can you go to use the army's third so

you can do

I want to terminate there wasn't any meeting so I went to Germany didn't understand a word they

many or upon a new they had an accident

transaction

New York City you don't draw

so but a lot of

they gave me a license to put me in a truck

and they said okay

the concern

do you drive just get in

show me with yours because I ground around

one of the interviews if you got a big truck you can draw respect

so I drove

in New York road route one

because that's the way you

this

this girl

hello I still have not taken a driving lesson

I want to talk

anyway we talk about six

and

we talk about my program and one of them is

one day at a time the other one is simple

we all heard that seems to apply for many

it also smart I can't I can't pick my way through this program

I think the more intellectual you are the harder it is they sold

because you were meeting and somebody says you know I paid sixty

I could never have any pages

but I do know that if I stay sober one day at a time to keep it simple

so

you have a little thing that is stick with the one

they told me not to hang around people with five years of more surprised

so I looked around the room

and that's the people I'm around

I was in a fun

Eric it's over

so I did everything that I could do the

I didn't have friends I didn't hang around I didn't I wouldn't have a problem I didn't go to those kind of people I want people who have already

and through something

or something similar

what my response one day and I had a problem he said I don't know anything about that but I know somebody who has

the cold

and the guy called me up and I met him at a horn in hard

you have to make your life a class

thirty one as the Marlins

right

this is why you got me on the cruise

tell me

on the

it was funny is that my father twelve step my youngest

right now it's over

twenty three and a half years

my father

Amy

thirteen years ago

I have a another

younger brother who's

his twenty second anniversary

I've got another brother

who just celebrated for years

yeah

and I have another brother

he's in jail now but he's got six months

he's only thirty five thirty six he's still working on

but

it's funny how you get sober you know it directly it was my fault

and I never thought that guy

I had a lot of

and in Alaska for many years

one of the things that this program is giving me we talk about promises

this program has given me my father

we finally visited me here in the great northwest I've been living here

three because it comes down to my house

and he and my brother

I'm on a cross country car

even the house put his arm around me

this is what you get you don't

this is a man who I didn't speak to for a year and I lived in the same

all of his friends

probably is one of the most important things that have happened in a

are more important than the fact that I've been successful in business

there are kind of good light

I love for me and my love for him restored

there's just no words to

to describe

how how good that is

because I got up in a meeting when I was four years

I was in the village and

this time he had a dalliance

because you had a

the state I I I got up and I said I

and I don't know what we were told it was impossible for me to

you haven't walked in my shoes

and then another guy got up and says

this call

that was the first time not even verbalize to

but it takes quite

being in a in saying I'm an alcoholic

to begin to accept the hate and then somehow it over

interesting how similar problems are resolved

similar processes it just took a long time for their on the go away

ten years

one more now you know I can call up and talk to

despite the fact I still don't agree with ninety five percent of

that doesn't mean anything you know I still there the things that we do agree on the importance

so it's kind of nice and we talked about what it's a success

six

one little bit about the process of doing so

you know five to ten years I was in there getting going to meetings and I started meeting

I remember coming back from the army

I went up to bring him to New York with his role industrial town in upstate New York

Hey guys I went to a meeting on the crisis high on

welcome yes my father's no and I said no I I got sober

I was returning from the army this is only

we've got a young people's group

there are twenty five

all right

the meeting and I'm looking around for the young people

zero thirty five

if I stayed sober for five years the court up

that was seventy two seventy three yeah I was in the

our server three three I'm going Francisco this summer the young people's international

and this was nineteen seventy three and I was so

my girlfriend in the back of the Volkswagen with the two men I was going cross country and I said I'll meet you there

so I show up

the card again I'm looking for the young people

they weren't there

with thirty one

until today

the best

one of the things I was told there wasn't much for socializing

and that was social

everyone was friendly and

and I'm asking myself what does this have to do with

you know that they will work on that

I was trying to keep it simple so

you can read our story was

a chance to see bill Wilson

he was released every year in New York

and I was sober six months seven months

some of my answers but will

this is an anonymous program you know we

well we don't we don't get into the nitty

you're going to regret it one day you're going to regret

I don't know if I regret it and I'm sure it was a good shark and everything but

it was very critical about the way I feel

okay there really wasn't anyone

then I had to look up to

that's not the way the program works

the person with one day sobriety was just as important as the person with twenty years

and that

to look at somebody and get all cargo

it was not my way of saying

I still think that

people with sobriety you have a lot more to say than I do

I certainly relate more to them than other people with over twenty years

some of the ten years I started to isolate North

and I think a lot of people in a

it was a matter of

thirty

I would walk into a meeting

and everyone would look at

figure out who I was

and then they would elect elect one person to walk over to me and say you knew

and then I would say no I'm new to this group but I've been in a while if you were going back to those friends and then they would come and talk

and I don't know if anyone has so we're going through the

but after awhile it gets old

then there was different because service I was young

but I've seen that happen to people for other reasons on the video

I've been through our town meetings in New York where if you were in the right so you want to talk

you know and I can go on and on I'm sure we'll go ahead of our experiences with that claim number

being different to me is a badge of honor

because I think the fact is that I don't want to be like everybody else I want to be like

and then there is this a great role in our society to be like everybody else and the fact is

who wants to be like everybody else

I want to be like me

I don't want to live a safe flight

I don't want to live a life where

everything's taken care of I want to live on the edge