The 15th Ohio Roundup

I grew up having to defend

my mom

my sister's

and always having to have

that year oh no

again

another K.

today I thank god

my mom did not believe in birth control

because I am here alive and sober

I took my first drink of alcohol at the age of six

the reason why I started drinking at that age was because it was a prescription it was my medication

I was very

the little girl

and it was prescribed by the doctor

to drink beer before I go to bed so that I could relax and sleep

and also so that I could gain some weight

I love it I love what alcohol did for me alcohol for me what I could not do for myself alcohol gave me the courage

to anywhere and tell you

where to go

even if you didn't know

by the time I started high school I was already keeping my alcohol in my locker

it was my medication

also by that time I also started on a little hill that kind of made me relax

I found out very quickly that if I mix them with the alcohol it made me feel really good hello

and I'm kind of going really fast but you're the one who control this

thank you

by the time I was getting ready to graduate

two days before actually

my mom

told me he wanted me to meet my father and my grandmother wanted me to finally meet my father

by that time I had a great

I was so angry

so the only thing that I knew to do was to get loaded

and I'm gonna show you

so I went I wanted to get even with this man but I didn't even know

and I was introduced to my grandmother she was a beautiful lady with

white hair blue eyes and you know

not

somebody who should have blue eyes

this is a Mexican

hello

and I felt now how the hell could this be you know I mean this woman blue eyes gray hair gray hair and a very white complexion all my life I had been the one who had to be satisfied not seen and not heard because of my skin and the person that I was a basket

so I had a lot of

inferior complex here complex about myself

and then also because

I didn't know what that word meant

but I knew that I liked

a little girl

the guys were fun to play with but the little girl just did something for me

and

so they took me to go meet my grandmother and and not my grandmother took me to another room and said I'd like for you to meet your father

and I was waiting for that now

so he takes me to the other room in the kitchen and I was ready this man walks in I did not even see his face all I saw was his big hand

this is his hand to me and I went

like you think I'm going to shake hands with you you know of course but it's telling that all this was going to my head you know and he just turned around and walked away and that is all I know of this man he's call man with a big hand

so the plan was that he was going to send me to any school I wanted to he was going to pay yeah you're going to pay

so I went to business college and

he started writing checks every week by Wednesday I was out of money at play I need more money and I would get my mom to go shopping with me and by her all the food you need it just so that he could pay

I can't do that over and over again

and he would not even

L. get

well I show you I will take your money

you know I won't take your money

by that time I was really angry and all

from all from Corpus Christi to San Antonio

and this is for I really blossomed because there were people there that were like me

people

that look just like you

they were having fun dancing and party

I stand by women dancing with women and I just knew what I had finally found a place where I belong

and

you know coming from such a little small town

I had no experience I didn't know how to drive I didn't know how to you know get around in the city so I needed somebody

and

doesn't take long for a lesbian to attacks like U. haul

I found somebody but you're

I didn't care all I needed was some experience and I learn I learn pretty fast how to drive a car after I bring the transmission and one of them and

I learned how to get around and it was pretty good and this partner that I had was an alcoholic I mean he really was an alcoholic he drank so much he passed out

I didn't I kept on party

well those rules that relationship lasted for nine years

and I continued

you know having fun going to bars and everything might alcohol

I have not I didn't think there was a problem because I was just having fun and I was

working for the insurance company

and by this time you know my priority was to get loaded

yeah hi

to just have fun

and

you know something I have to wait

something does happen

this is really crazy and I know

hello my higher power speak through me and I never know when he's going to start doing this kind of ****

I need to do it

and you want me to tell you some **** that I don't want to

but I guess I have to

no I didn't want to talk about too much about my childhood too much about what my alcoholism really really it was about

because what I do

I have to let you see the real me

and I don't like that

but

my higher power

my god

is powerful so much powerful than I am so they got

you're in control

the kind of abuse that I came from was not only verbal

or physical

the emotional abuse that I experienced

the

it's pretty severe

for a long time

I women

like they were just a piece of **** they didn't matter I wanted to use them

and that's

exactly what I did

I'm not proud of it

but that's where I come from you know I come from a family of alcoholism

the only thing on you

was

how to drink

how to get high

and how do hi

hi my fears

not let you see me if you wanted somebody to be someone else that's when you look at

I just

like a million

what do you want to be healthy

I got into things like prostitution

I got into Pimpin I got into dealing I got into stealing I got into doing a lot of things

but I'm not proud of but you know what

if I had to

do it all over again to get where I'm at today

I think I would do it again because my higher power has given me today is so much more than that

but I experienced

the tears that I have today are keepers

my god loves me

my god has brought me out of the

it has brought me from places that I wouldn't even want you to go

my higher power

it's such a magnificent power

you know

here's

I spoke to San Antonio Texas

my pharmacy

her name is hope

I was dying of cancer

I heard it

the service is the way to go

service work

she

two weeks later she died

but you know she's

life on life's terms doing service world

till the very end

what kind of a gift

do you think that

my higher power love he

so much he brought me to you the people that I didn't want to be around

no

when I eat

what so tired of living the way I was living the only way out I saw was to kill myself

that's the only way out

I had called my boss I had was late for work one morning and

this was

April twentieth nineteen eighty two

my boss at if you're late one more time

you're fired

I said okay I'll fix my car at lunch time during my lunch hour and I'll be like anymore

my car into the garage and they put the car up while working on it

and it was like fifteen to one

my car was still up there with pieces of

hello parts there on the floor are you going to finish

well no it's gonna take a little longer well so I called my boss and I told her and she said I told you one more time

you're fired

good

I guess the best thing for me to do is just get rid of myself

so I started home walking home he blocks I knew exactly what I was going to do

by the time I was thirty five

I had just celebrated my thirty fifth birthday

like twelve days eleven days before that I had started party celebrating my birthday is April ninth

all the way through April twenty

so I went home

and I started taking this pill

I started feeling like this was it

all of a sudden I felt like my legs were going to give out I felt like Jello everything was just in the fall you know I was just gonna

ready to die

so I had a couple of roommates and I said now I'm going to lay in bed so that they will find me you know just laying there

I was by this time I was also crying and and a lot of pain a lot of pain pain that you can't even imagine you know it even though I was partying and doing all this kind of stuff the loneliness

the pain was so terrible

so I went ahead and I laid down I have this

precious nineteen year old cat now

her name is

and scooter

has to be

has been with me and I was crying and my scooter came up and he started his

I started licking my tears

for the very first time

in my life hi hello

I think but I can't even describe it to you

at that time I just

because I didn't want my kids to be alone

my god

three days later

I woke up

in a treatment center

I don't believe in coincidences anymore

I had made the phone call

to my supplier

my cocaine dealer who was a doctor doctor

he wasn't in but the receptionist

answer the phone and I told her what I had done

now I don't know the people told me this later

that I called and I said that I had taken all this

drugs

and she could stay there honey I'll I'll get you some help

and her best friend worked

K. house treatment center

so he called her up he said

we need to get her in

they made all kinds of arrangements

so I'm told

and after the third day

that's when I woke up in the psychiatric ward behind locked doors

at the treatment center I wasn't an alcoholic

I wasn't a drug addict

and I told doctors

it was just counselor

Georgia beat big black man I mean he's a huge guy

okay you're gonna the kind of

get a little scared shrivel up no big

and the hostility and

I don't belong here I'm not an alcoholic

I'm not crazy

this is funny

this is the

normal people don't go around

trying to kill themselves

if you try to get out of here

because I was threatened to get out if you get out of here as soon as you walk out

the man in the white jackets and we all know what that means

forget

I was in hospital and I feared that

so I stayed

if I stayed

only because I figured it would be a nice way to gain a little weight

it'll prove yet my nourishment back and go back and do the things that I was doing

course I was angry first of all because I lived

I wanted to die

when I experienced that love

I have to share this with you and I hope I don't frighten you

for a long time I was frightened myself

and I

by no means was I gonna tell anyone what happened to me

as I lay there and I yelled out oh god please help me

I saw me looking down at me

and I took off

in this tunnel this white light

peaceful feeling I was going credible

and I thought I was crazy because I think that because I felt that for a long time I wanted that feeling

I would go through the Bible I would go through anything to try to get this evening yeah

I have that feeling today

when I see this

this beautiful man

when I see my little

please

just

only me it's gonna be okay

let's get on our knees and pray

that's what I experienced those feelings

really

I'm not got it

I had a choice the choice was state

I stayed

at the treatment center

and I had to participate

not very willingly but I participated

and they were having the media retreat and people would come from

people that had been in treatment before came back to share their experience strength and hope with us

and this gentleman he could have been K. I mean he was just

and he shared with me he said

the shortest prayer I ever prayed

was answered our prayers were answered

his shortest prayer was god please help me

and that's when I felt

that feeling again

just take over

it just took over my whole body

I said okay

I was an alcoholic by no means

look around for two years and I still wasn't an alcoholic

but

I knew

that god had saved me that something had happened

so I continued going

to the meetings

and

they say

bring the body

the mind will follow

well I was pretty

I was tricked you know they they knew they were waiting for me at the poker table

they had a poker game every

night we had a meeting after the meeting the poker tables

I love to play poker

and I keep coming back they can only come back

every Tuesday and Thursday I would be there playing poker after the meeting you know you just can't sit around

a bunch of alcoholics and not pick up something

you know

so I did I guess I did

and

by the time I knew that was the year sober

and I had this plan okay this is enough I'm going back out my real friends who are out there waiting for me

I had a party for me

and

no coincidences

one of my worst enemies

on the streets

it was at this meeting

we have been going to the same meeting per year

he was two years over he was going to the smokers meeting that was going to the non smokers we come out of the meeting and here we are

when

well at all by this is that I'm going to include your celebrating here today yeah but I'm not having a party for me well I think what we need to do

thank you

my radar kidnap me because when I was drinking and drugging kidnapping man

eight

they correct me again

yeah and they took me horseback riding tell my **** was wrong

and they took me to this meeting where there were

people

when my sponsor had taken at the lambda needy and those people look different

the first time I saw them you know they were kind of holding raggedy and they just

I didn't want to have to be associated with them people

L. I was different

I wanted the attention of those straight women

not those awful these that planned the meeting

but this time they took me to this meeting

Lou Lou and

he's no longer with us either

she saved my life

she took me to this meeting and for the first time I really felt

that I belong

I could admit yes I'm an alcoholic but I still could not accept it

alcohol

I have done for me what I could not do for myself and now here I am eight years over all nerves are just wrong

he everything

and something woke up

something so powerful

but I needed a woman

I needed to have that mate

I guess you'll have never experienced that all of a sudden the pope

my god

provided for me

I met this beautiful woman

and it was love

I thought

we got together

this relationship lasted

about a year and a half almost a year and a half something like that

but in the meanwhile

we broke up fourteen times

that was the best lesson

I learned

he taught me so much

he taught me what kind of relationships not to have

I was going to get married to her

and we had all the whole union stuff

the church was there for twin sister was gonna

bring the cake the whole works

my sponsor calls me up early in the morning yes I need to talk to you you know when your sponsor calls and says I need to talk to you know it's very

so I went over there

and he said honey she's gone

this was the fourteenth time she's gone

I felt like a fool

I felt like I could not even show my face around eight this time I had done it too many times

no more

the pain I experience was like that

when somebody dies

and it hurts so bad

and I later after everyone left

I had quit my job

I had given up my apartment I had had a garage sale and sold everything except for my clothes and my dishes

the only thing they're the apartment was a mattress

and I later later

curled up in so much pain

and the sponsor

d'elia

color Dolly

me

he fired me because I would not leave this relationship

now she kept telling me that the Senate that Senate here try the same thing over and over again expecting different results

well this foster came back

that morning knocked on my window

and as I was there curled up to open the door

I got up and I opened the door and she said you're coming with me no sponsors really really means so much to me

sponsors have taught me how to live

she took me to her home energy

she practically spoon fed me

she made me make a go to meeting to meeting today

and then she had the audacity to tell me no honey let's look at the really really

the problem

you left me with the other bit

this mirror

is this here look look at the real problem

the only thing I saw was me

now here's this telephone number his address

this is where you're going

the big telcos

go to any length gives us permission to go wherever we need ever we can get the help and I needed therapy extensive therapy

and I started going to therapy

and I started having to do things like learning how to love myself how the hell do you do that

and all

well I was talking I started dating held up I started showering hill that would get

I started pampering her I even gave her a vibrator girls

it was a lot of fun

anyway

I started learning how to love myself so much that I started having this higher power come into my life

and but I still was in a lot of pain because of this woman

and because I still had not admit and accept it my alcoholism I feel very sick

and on this day I was alone and the pain that I experienced

that loneliness you know like everybody else I see a couple and had three men you got it made I'm single

I don't have anybody to hold me

I don't have anybody

to just be there

that was so powerful that I had to double up and hold my stomach fall on my knees

and just totally surrender

I told my gun okay

I'll take all of me

yes I have a customer who is a piece of

no

I want to do it again anyway

and I told her power if you were there

if you could take this pain away from me I'll do anything to

I guess it was a slow learner I didn't drop

remember that god does answer all prayers

and it is

the next morning I woke up and there was no pain

I feel good all of a sudden I'm doing service work all of a sudden people are calling me and I told you I'm Mexican notice of this people anyone can you know that the needle do you understand

the

why am I doing

but it was happening god was working in my life

god was doing for me what I could not do for myself

now I have to advise you what would you pray for

what would you prefer

well I think the deal we've got

and he pulled his end of the bargain

then one time phone rang

somebody called

he said

we heard you were going to the international convention in Montreal

yeah I'm going to well you know

could we submit your name to be a speaker

I don't care at all because I still had that feeling of

no B. nobody

worthless

how could anybody want me to go and speak to you

the best

but a month later

the phone rang again

at the hill the thing down now what's the down

five seven

that you have been selected as one of the speakers

for the

fiftieth

international aid convention in Montreal

do you realize

what that means to me

my higher power

I was doing for me again what I could do for myself

I was not grateful at the very time

but he's there in front of all the beautiful faces

being able to share with you what god has done for me

what's incredible

the love that I received from you

I was just tremendous

I learned

this program by example

don't tell me show me

show me you're doing it and then I'll do it all

and I had very good sponsors and they showed me how to work the steps how to be of service

how to be honest

and hello

six years over and my L.

keeping a much

anyway if you're sober and and all of a sudden this feeling that

I was worthless again

overcame me and

I said okay god

I'm gonna have to quit my job

and after I quit my job I'm going to going to treatment

I have a lot of time course and all by that time my higher power also had given me a gift that I really treasure yes my partner Cheryl

no she does for me a lot of pain

I think he does

here's what I do not think

what I do not speak

and she heard the pain but I was in

she made the phone call

six years over and I had to go back into treatment no I didn't pick up a drink

but I was really really insane

I was killing me was my pride

my ego

I had to

totally surrender I can't

my higher power put all those people there

this time I had to really humble myself

and have god

I had to go back

to my age group

I had to ask for help

the gifts that higher power has given me

I just want to tell you

but

I was able to go back to school change careers get a degree become a computer technician

and then we moved to Michigan

and I was feeling like I need to do something I need I need to get some kind of service work

and I didn't want to do well on the lady by the name of Riley who is the chairperson for the international advisory make this phone call and says are you

really interested in doing service work yeah I would we need a secretary and we really need one very desperately

porch unfortunate thing happened who was a secretary

Pat passed away

all the

email

they're bringing

all the letters

doing all the work

I love hearing from all of you are getting letters from all over the world

you know I would not

I wish I had enough

tell you all the things

I don't

the one thing we

you're getting

that's correct

no more higher power lunch meat

you brought me here

brought me here to do whatever I don't know whatever you got me doing

I don't even mind making a fool of myself and learning how to play golf

my pharmacy and I were out there in the middle of the golf course here I am on my knees

during the first half

I have no idea

because my higher power my god

I am locked

you

thank you

thank you

our

a powerful message