51st SoCal Conv. in San Diego, CA

hi everybody my name is Danny Daniels and I'm an alcoholic

and

I'd like to thank the committee for asking me to speak tonight

for the courage I guess especially after eating and

I am

it's it really is an honor and a privilege to participate in other with others in a common solution we have here I am it's really great to see a lot of people from my own home group bellflower big with group

we were there

ten or twelve years

it's great to see a lot of old friends

see now if I drank this would be the time

this is the

exactly the time

thing is I wouldn't have the stress on after about ten minutes and I

and I would be standing down here I'd be up there so

like my sponsor says think it through girl

so

I I really liked it to welcome the newcomers

I

I think it's wonderful that you're here I think I think it's a little bit probably scary to an overwhelming if this is your first meeting or when you're first meetings but I just hope you stay while you're here

I

hang in there ten

I am when I was new

I would clearly remember sitting in the front row of the meeting whatever meeting it was at my home group

wherever there was I was a little fun for a long time

I remember clearly sitting there and I knew I had a twenty or thirty stitches through my scalp and I have two black guys

I had a weird taste in my mouth for months and I didn't smell that great

I had on my last pair jeans which really belongs to my brother who is eleven years younger

I had no idea where most of my clothes were

and I was bruised and battered but I was the happiest I had been in a long long time

because the

for some reason unbeknownst to to me well through a series of events that also tell you about I am how I had somehow

become willing to do whatever it took and my battle cry had always been

number one my case is different and number two but you don't understand you know it's so terminally unique and

that was the story of my life and

I went from there to sitting in the front row that meeting and I was just so grateful to be sober and I'm still grateful today and I hope I never forget what that and that was like I

I gotta tell ya I

I was never right I am I come from a really nice family at a good a alcoholic family normal

nice people

my

father is a professor or retired and he is a brilliant and my mother some quite quite educated to

we're all college graduates

go figure that one I'm a good shooter but I'm

we he is a professor and and later in life my dad decided to go back to school and get his second or third PhD and and I also come from a long line of

ministers

and very religious and scholarly people and in in this church the way I grew up it wasn't okay to drink my dad would say you know the scriptures as we see them

we will show you that as they do at church it's really not okay to drink

but I have the skil intellectual understanding of it and I think really it's okay in my case as long as we don't tell anybody and I so understand that you know he was protecting his right to drink and he could explain anything away I have a my mother group as we do to protect him and and never you know just well protected is drinking are the alcoholism and my home was like having a huge pink elephant in the middle of the living room you know you do not talk about it in fact you don't talk about anything negative if you're not talking about it it doesn't exist and that's the way it was in my house I have a older sister who could care less about drinking

and my little brother is a was eleven years younger like I said before and he he's not a drinker either they're they're both kind of brainiacs and then there's me

and my first memories of

that I have it all really

our fear are surrounded with fear all I remember is being

just fearful of everybody everything from an early age and my mother always would say you know she just ain't right that one she's a she's a little off she's a

I don't know she's so insecure but she says but I just give her a lot of extra love you know she intuitively knew to do that and when they let me off to go to school that first day I was not just scared but I just can't explain that the terror I remember it today and I it was all that self centered fair talks about in the book from an early age I mean I had it from the get go I needed a I needed some modified can that service that first here hi I could not I just knew I looked wrong I had the wrong thing on I had the wrong thing in my lunch and I was terrified and yeah that's just that those are my memories I mean I had a great childhood a lot of fun that we just kept stepping over that elephant at home and

and and we went along fine and

there was a lot eleven my family I could not stand that father of mine now I just couldn't understand his his the way he would rationalize things I just didn't get it and isn't it funny how you become what you hate sometimes and I

I didn't really like to drink I snuck out of windows all the time in high school and and I went out with my friends and they party but I was really afraid of alcohol after all look what look what happened in my home and

but this one time

they're my my girlfriend called and said you know these cute guys from college are going to this party and they've invited us and they have their own apartment and and do you want to go and I thought well yeah I don't know how old I was a high school junior high and so

we we went to this party and for some reason this one night

I decided to go ahead and and drink and

they were serving one fifty one rum and coke

and they were very dark drinks if you know what I'm saying

so I went ahead and had a couple S. defines drink but this one time

they're my my girlfriend called and said you know these cute guys from college or are going to this party and they've invited us and they have their own apartment and and do you wanna go ease and comfort that I tried to

that that was my goal from then on I absolutely thought

things were wonderful my black and white world turn to Technicolor the fear melted off of me and I had the illusion that everything was okay and I didn't care for it wasn't

it just took away all of that alcohol ism

it took away the it just it was my care alcohol and started to do van went out of what it does for me today

I am

I stuck it out you know I just continue to drink it every chance I could like we do and had a great time and went out partying and

nothing really happened till high school and then when I was in high school I

was it a girlfriend's house and we were drinking out of her dad's bar and a

I'm on the way home might in a blackout I totaled the car my parents car

and my dad was unavailable when the police called but my mother came and it what this did to the family was they were mortified absolutely mortified because what would everybody think what are the people at church gonna think what our friends going to think it was a you know is the devastation for the family I had really

I had really you know done the wrong thing but years went by I went to college and

and I'm sort of glad to get out of the house and I went to this

religious based university

after all I had to do what I was so I had to please my parents and and my dad taught there and I got free tuition and that always helps

and I joined the Christian sororities and did that and then as soon as those meetings were over I went right to the dorm room and get a head dive into the closet

and I got my bottle and went out with those friends and so I I started drinking and and you know already life was the drinking was becoming a lot of work back then

I drink whenever I had a chance I I don't know how I

studied and drank and and then I had a couple of jobs in college and

add the drinking picked up and and one of these jobs I had was at a restaurant and coast highway it was a real fancy restaurant and I was a a a cocktail waitress Krista told my parents I'm a hostess and a

it was a kind of downlights in this restaurant and

we had to wear you know nice a skirt and heels and yeah and I was a nervous wreck like always and one night the bartender said Hany wanted to

let me slip a couple of drinks here and I thought well okay so a couple of drinks and it was like

look at this place it's beautiful

I cannot look at these customers they're fantastic I love this job but you know it changed everything and

unfortunately for me once I seems like once I did something drinking I was afraid to ever do it sober again

it was just my deal and I would go in that walk in refrigerator and we carried a tray and we had a cop and with our own garnishes and

we had to replenish those and

I'd go about walk in refrigerator I don't know how many times have you surely use a lot of cherries and lime the yeah I'm all out and and I go in there and it was lined with with wine and I hold the door closed with my foot and I'd be in there a little bit you know down all the wine and that Walker for drag come out and it's just life was wonderful I thought this was the greatest job ever I thought I'd love to my people and my side and I had a job during the day yeah

in the little children's clothing store in in this children's clothing store that it was a small store in Brentwood it was on by a little Jewish family they took me in like family I I eventually they gave the keys I've worked there in high school and I was still working their little bit college and why it was busy and

they they really trusted me

president is sooner or later they just let me open the store and and then I found out you know a little drink and there was kind of fun too R. actually it made everything more pleasant and then I started discovering the cure for the hang over was a little alcohol

and I would hide a bottle in the back of the toilet and then I discovered a

what a big shot I could be if I could still some of those clothes and Solomon at school

and and steel and I am a just a

things started spiraling I just started for no no real reason stealing and drinking and

I still have that job though and and the drinking just started to get worse I'd lived my first two years in college in the dormitories in the second two years we had no we lived in a house on coast highway with four girls and by now I'm hiding a bottle in the back of my trunk of my car and under the bed and in the closet

and I discovered a you know they can like I said the cure for the hang over with little bows in the morning and then a soon as classes were over and I started getting into some trouble in the blackouts and back to somewhere in my senior year of college

one of my R. sum of my friends came to me and and these were good friends are still friends today and they really cared about me and they said anti we think you have a problem with alcohol and I was devastated because you don't understand

if you have a family I have and how dare they say it out loud you know this is something you don't talk about I was just mortified I I you know I was like

you are the father I have and if you live the life I have and I think I have my the motions are more deep and sensitive than the normal person all right blah blah blah I know what they're thinking get off the cross we need the wood but I am

I am

my case is different you know not once did it occur to me that maybe I should cut back on the drinking it was I gotta hide this drink and it I've got to be more careful and I stood drifted away a little from them and and I I thought I don't know about any of you guys but I thought I'd never sleep again in my life without drinking I don't think I went to sleep I think I passed out and

I thought well you know some of my buddies smoke that don't and they say that make help them sleep well you know so I bought some of that manned

Smokin Joe right now I just could not wait for that to where I live so I can have that that drink you know and it just did not work I was not into it hi I needed my drink my alcohol and he got close to graduation and and I was miserable

I knew by now that I something was wrong but I didn't mean it I was going to stop I just had to find a way to control it and enjoy it better and I was getting bloated in the hang overs were horrendous came time to graduate from college

and I wanted to the PR field and I I had I had to dress nicely and carry a briefcase and

I had to keep this bottle somewhere and I was it just got to be held because before I had some control you know I can keep the bottle in my car in my closet or under my bed but you know as skinny little briefcase I couldn't be with clients and then you know the thing went close with a bottle in it and it was tough and one day one of my good friends

college came to reach is is there any

you know I've always wanted to be a flight attendant I'm gonna go down and apply and I have this light went on

flight attendant and I'm like isn't that bad thing that you serve drinks on the plane and

she goes yeah I go oh yeah I've wanted to be one two so I went down and I played with I thought god this is great I can't do this that sounds like a party and so I went down to every airline and filled out my application and it was nineteen seventy nine during the United strike

and a

I

two weeks later I got a interview back in the mail

and I thought well this is great so I went down to put on the suit and everything and and by now I was more than a daily drinker I was stricken in the morning a lot too but I did the only thing I know how to do I sat in that Hey a parking lot in front of that eight interview

and drink a bottle of wine and I went in and I was the only one hired out of that I don't know how many people

alcohol works for me and it worked good and

I was you know I thought it was pretty sharp and then they said Hey anti what we're going to do now is that we really need people will do a quick second interview and then we'll send you down to the charm farm in Dallas and I thought oh great you know and they said bring whatever you do it doesn't there's no guarantee you're going to get out are you going to graduate because and then after that you're on probation but pack all your stuff because we're going to send you directly to your new base you know and I'm like a surfer chick from California

or had been before I would have drowned

and I

I packed all my stuff and I did what I thought was normal it I took a few bottles of booze and hit it between the clothes and went down there and you know you did all the deal I

the Bose was gone in like three days and then that was probably the last period of time where I spent any time at all

so over and over and I was miserable sooner or later though by the fifth or sixth week in training I found a bar right off

off campus as we do and and somehow I made it through that training and that charm Farman

they said okay and here we go we're going to send you to Chicago and I thought oh

it's really cold there and there's a lot of Irish people may love to drink you have to drink a lot to stay warm that's the ticket man off I went and I loved it

here I am in a new atmosphere new environment with people that didn't know my history they knew nothing about my little drinking problem and

and I was just a good girl out there wanted to party you know and so we partied we dragon dragon dragon you know

as people tell you things are a little different in the airline industry then and you know if today we have random drug testing and alcohol testing and

we don't have anything like that then we didn't even go through security in on my favorites nothing for my paper to go up in a bar in downtown Chicago and

you know I'm drinking coffee on the plane trying to sober up and

if you were a mess I mean I just drink and drink and drink and

somewhere in the first few months we a supervisor came on board it was a in the morning and right now I'm kind of sick I've been sick for a while I was shaky without the alcohol and and I was just drinking like I was going to the electric chair and a half hour all the time and

hi

supervisor came on and she says you know you're on probation I'm your supervisor and what I'm going to do it was something it was like six in the morning she says I'm going to do a little check credits this thing where they watch every phase of your flight and I said okay great and I was shaky and I was sick and I was nervous and I thought there's no way I could push a cart or server drink this morning there's just no way I was always terrified without something so I took the risk and I went in and I took a couple managers into the lavatory and shot down a couple of bottles of vodka and I went out and I was fine and I pass that but unfortunately that same thing happened to me I never drew another so progress on the plane I was afraid to work a flight until I finally did get sober from that day on and I'll tell you that so I thought it was hard work before hiding the booze and police and the parents and hiding it from this fiancee breaking up with him because you know I drank and you know just a just a lot of work but now I right now I had all the work became even harder I got where I carried this flask that held a little over a quarter it was plastic and

I guess I took it on the trip every day and and if it started I started worrying if I drink too much got down too far and and my god I'm not gonna have enough for tonight and then what about in the morning because I had to drink in the morning couldn't get Mascherano is just

and so I'd gone to the laboratory you know the other girls were going to the laboratory and say I'm gonna go freshen up my lipstick and they take a little to Bannon at Hey I'd go to the laboratory my whole tote bag

yeah I got to freshen up yeah you know and I'd come out maybe this big sweat beads on and the glassy eyes I feel they're definitely pretty

you know I I was getting that look you know this potato body with two sticks and

just a it was a mess and

and I would ask I would be on the layovers and and I look in the mirror and I'd say yeah I you know you're nothing but an alcoholic and I did it myself in the mirror and then I take another drink and it was just a a constant thing and

hi

I used to write long letters when I was

drunk of course the phone was and I and I you know dear god why do I drink this way what's the matter with me and you know they got I've grown up with was I was so scared of because as I understood it I was a failure I was going to hell whatever that was and I never meet up to the standards and

but somehow I still believed there was a guide and I'd write these letters I never once would right

I'd like to help me stop drinking and it was a white white drink this way and

financially I was turned off world I think where my welcome out in Chicago

so I decided it's time to transfer back to Los Angeles where everybody senior like I am now and I am

guts I was based there I was very junior

and the drinking continued but one more time it was a new people and and you know it was hell it was a chase and and I had some crazy behavior but you know I did still have a lot of fun sometimes and and I I it wouldn't be right if I didn't share with you some of the crazy stuff that went on I hi

I remember this when I first got to less Angelus of course I hooked up with the drinkers and this one party there's about eight of us because it was a DC ten and we we did this all nighter we started in LA went to somewhere like Oklahoma City and then on to aunt Arbor Michigan we land in Detroit drugged and Arbor for like a thirty six hour layover

well we were since we started drinking you know from the get go and some of them had drugs and so big the normal ones would wait till we got there I don't know how but after doing this trip for you a like a month or so it was really exhausting it would you sleep deprived but the crew members we all knew each other and they said you know we're going to this college town what we have to do is offering a roller skates we can roller skate around the campus

and I said well

that sounds exhausting is what I thought but I said well that sounds great but I I don't have roller skates I never did I I do have a unicycle from when I was a kid that kind of money and you know when I was a kid I wrote it and they said oh my god bring it and I said

there is no way and they said those three words that always did it for me we dare you so

I was the guy the next trip here we are the girls care the roller skates some in their suitcase I'm rolling the sick suit case and rolling the unicycle in front of me on to the DC ten

so I thought well okay so I I put it in the back of the DC ten and

all that into a little closet there

about halfway through the flight the captain calls back

the captain who is sober today by the way

and now he says that in those days we didn't get paid unless the captain turned in our pay sheet everything was nothing was computerized they had to initial everything and he says adding this is Bob or whoever he says that I'm not going to turn in your patient unless you deliver your next trade drinks right may unicycle down

I said there's no way and what did he say I dare you and I said okay so I got it out and you know I thought no I thought everybody wanna party I was crying years I'd love

delivery

and I just got I that was normal and

you know god forbid somebody wants to take a nap on the flight

because I'm having a party and now

you know

I was telling this story and some years later after I got sober another flight attendant IRA participating in in an event where we both were like ten minutes speakers and I briefly told something about the unicycle and my friend Pam who's so wrapped hog got about four so she could you know and he doesn't remember this she says but

I was on her flight or was the purser he says log and I cringe of course she said not only did she write value to cycle but she said that I had these flash these red glasses with balls around on that flash

a little rope that went to my apron and and so it was true you know

it was confirmed

I am you know it was nothing for me to one of my girlfriends on the seven forty seven to roll up the closet door and I'd be passed down on some fur coats you know I'm tired

I'll never forget the time I was yeah on the sim forty seven we had we used to have a a

tray cart laundry cart beverage cart and I would do the trays because the matter fair shake on or whatever you just down and I

yeah so tired down and I go down I went down to get a tray and two girls behind her like

she can come up

Hanny what's up they're pushing a cart and lime staff when I was in there my hair was stuck in one of the metal bars in there

and they had to climb over the scene cut my hair and

I said I passed down for awhile

you know I just it was one

but I

and it's red it's real funny and everything but my drinking was getting miserable and and

so many things occurred and I would say to myself

some of it some day something's going to happen some you're gonna get caught you're gonna lose your job but until that day I have to drink and it's worth it and and I would just keep drinking and I was so afraid that I would get caught and I would get fired him by now my little self esteem was tied up in at least I have this job at least I'm a flight attendant you know why I vowed that meant something to me you know I'm something I'm somebody if I have that job and yes that day did come and intervention was done on me by us several silver flight attendants who are members of Alcoholics Anonymous and they hadn't called my parents and through a series of events and everything that I I'd become pretty sick and

they got my parents they got my sister my brother in law and and a couple good friends and they all did the center pulled me out of a neighbor's house for I was busy and

in an intervention on me and up and I was mortified

I always tear what are people going to think you know it's OK I'm riding a unicycle on the plane but what'll they think if they find out I'm a sober alcoholic you know and my little fragile ego I was I was mortified I was terrified and Andy silver flight attendants ironically that's what I'm doing now I'm trying to give it back but and I understand when they're mortified but they explained to me that my life would only get better and I'm I never forget them saying that of course I didn't believe it at the time and and that I would not lose my job if I became got involved in the program became a so remember about fox anonymous I could have anything I wanted and I may not even want that job and so anyway I went into this program that was run by us several all the people that work there were hints over members of AA and al anon and what I shake it out I was a real sick puppy and

okay I got out of there and I you know I should thirty or forty pounds in blowout and I was I thought it was fabulous the sobriety because I feel I thought god I have this physical freedom I don't have to constantly worry about the drink I can do things and and I I you know those meetings they want me to go to you know if you just go a little late leave a little early you still doing what you're supposed to do and besides that there's only one problem I didn't think I could really push your car to serve a drink with nothing I'm a sober alcoholic so I don't drink but I went to the local drug dealer and got never did drugs got some

St quaaludes about a hundred of just two of their valium because just because I'm nervous and

I was going to sell most of them I think I sold two tablets and

my you know this sobriety was fabulous I was relaxed all the time I was looking good and if you saw me at a party I don't drink you know Anna I I don't know about you but when I was drinking I did I did a little of that cocaine because I could drink and drink and drink and you know drink it is my thing and I'd start to fade or pass out do a little bit and I was back now here I am sober I'm sober don't you know and I'm trying to do a little cocaine and enjoy it and I don't understand why it's not enjoyable like it was before my job was killing me

and then pretty soon I thought you know I really feel like I'm I'm coming down with a cold or maybe in the next year or so so I'm I better drink separate bottles and nyquil and

I T. I got the worst rash okay so I switched to Listerine

he really made me sick and I will never forget after a year or I I'm not all the dates and times are vague to me going into that like a star remember the space I parked and I remember what the guy looks like it sold it to me and I bought that perhaps kind of out of vodka and I sat in the car and drink it and it was like magic because I'm an alcoholic

chronic like there's any other kind and I have no solution I'm dry and life is too scary and when I drink that drink just give me both goose bumps now to remember

but I thought my progression of my disease I'd heard about it I thought I could never get worse I was pretty sick when I got here but when I'm here to tell you the progression of the disease is astonishing it'll always get worse as long as I'm breathing in the next few months I found myself in places and did things that

I work in just one hundred percent due to this two of the disease of alcoholism and where the progression of drinking took me I really thought I could never get worse I had an apartment but I slept in my fan a lot of the time and I ended up in motel rooms and in Santa Monica and I'm just a

just to let you know kinds of fabric I was raped in a motel room and in a general sense it's a very it's vague to me but I was beat up in an alley by

what we used to call winos another alcoholic trying to get this bottle and I was in my uniform the kinds of things said that that place is that alcohol will take me and and were released terrifies me is I know it'll get worse because I've seen it already

I've done it and I'm afraid I'd stay alive and it was bad and I still have this one boyfriend in this pre friend he says you know I know your drink and I am not

but he really cared about me he says here's what we're gonna do I know you you need to do you think you need hospitalization or whatever but we're gonna put you in the car we're gonna drive to Santa Barbara we're going to get to a motel let you check it out for a few days and this guy was sober because I had to get him out of to get him out of my way of drinking I had already put him through a hospital program and he had continued to go to way stay sober and so I said great so we did that and after three or four or five days that's all big to me we were driving back and the last thing I remember seeing a bunch of dinosaurs crossing the road and when I woke up I was in a hospital I had the first of many many grand mal seizures trying to come off alcohol myself

in order to protect himself this boyfriend hit the road and my parents moved me into a small

the department in west LA and if the whole family was terrified and scared and and and and by now I really wanted to get sober I was scared and I called a couple of people and friends in Santa Monica and in the palisades in that child I had met in that hospital nurses that work there and they take me to meetings and spoon feed me honey and I try to keep me from having seizures and and I get a day or two I'd go back to my apartment and somehow I would get a get out somehow write a check and and get the bows and I was so afraid to not drink and I was so afraid to drink and I

I've lost track of what day or night or eating or you know and I don't know how long it really went on this way

hi

I'd I didn't still have my job though I did they give me every break things like you know they could and and there were some people there that really cared about me

and this one night came and and my job was still all I had you know it hi Lisa I'm a flight attendant you know and so this one night I I you know I live in the studio apartment with my bed just had three legs on it and every night I would spray raid around it there were so many cockroaches and I remember that clearly and

I just it was like a survival thing wake up pass out wake up pass out in a

every few days get out for booze or something or try to get sober again and this one day I said you know I'm pretty sure tonight was the night I was supposed to go back to work I was supposed to do Dallas turn around an all night thing and I was in such a state of

insanity at this point I guess somehow got my Volkswagen van and

to show you what kind of insanity I was I put this big half gallon of vodka

in the seat behind me behind the state in this van I had you know the uniform on all that night we headed out for the freeway in west LA

and

next thing I remember I woke up and I'm in the middle of the street line there and and I I feel all wet and I realize this is I'm bleeding all over the place and I I was perfectly calm and I looked over there the flashing lights and everything right on well sure there you know and and my van was totaled it was across the way and and things are vague and they came in and out and and a lady came up to me and looked down at me and she asked if I was okay I says why do you care she says I'm a nurse I just I care she come from UCLA right there

and then as clear as if it were an hour ago I remember

it does it so it was like the sound went off

and I looked up and there was this policeman looking down at me

and

I looked up at him and I finally said the words I'd never said before my life I said I'm an alcoholic I can't stop drinking and I need help and he said I'm a silver member of Alcoholics Anonymous

and

I had gone head on to a car I guess and totaled it

I haven't had a drink since that day but he took me out to you to your cell app course I had no car I told them there that I might have seizures so they took care of me long enough to get past that and a nurse gave me a ride to my studio apartment and I don't care how big my surrender as I'm now in my apartment alone and

I'm thinking you know maybe there's just a little something in a bottle left around somewhere just to

toward toward things off you know and I look around there for once for the first time since in a long time since I can remember there wasn't even any perfumer shoe polisher anything

no nyquil left in that apartment and then the phone rang and it was this a full sober flight attendants again they had called they said you know

Arkansas set a precedent there put me through a

without a detox and that's when I went to a

crawling into those meetings in my brother's pants and full of scars and stitches and you know I don't care about that anymore I