Florida Roundup in Miami Beach, FL

everybody reading this poem

I thank everybody for getting my my thing is

not expressing gratitude for our well being amongst your

Iraqi Thursday afternoon if he's not always in my room

you know I've always walked among you

you may be very comfortable

I've not always been comfortable

with people certainly not with the repeatedly that I thought a great deal

this past weekend

some some rice and

what

that always leads me remark I'm always startled how nervous I again I don't know if it's a year or two

they have the same physiological reaction my heart something

try to remember to breathe every once in awhile

well you're good looking crowd

I would I would have liked to have had a drink or two with the

sort of

losing weight on a little bit

thank you

Willard from Texas

many will my name is will and I'm an alcoholic if I hadn't become an alcoholic I would become anything at all

my heart resonated with Willard

because alcohol became central to my life

I didn't have much

for me before I

before I started to drink

I've always been

kind of

a gathering of

you know I describe myself as somebody with a

yeah

raking seller either in the same moment

you know I desperately want to go somewhere but I'm afraid to move

and I was pretty pronounced during the early part of my life

in a mental hospital my mother

and my father ran from that experience before I was born

so I really see

as the Bible says the sins of the father character defects if we want to use a more comfortable category of the father of visited on the server

and I feel that that's that's really making everything hurt

that I am right personalities manic depressive

a large extent and I learned from a mostly charge

experiences

a lot of white in a black out

number two large

I remember the

being painfully self conscious

I cannot

I think I can find your sense of re packaging right

I knew how to present myself instinctively

I just never knew how to be myself

I knew where to get the hair cut I knew how to dress I knew how to speak I know how to present myself as whatever I wanted to be

packaging for early I just was never comfortable

I was always somebody like a big book talks about somebody who was there I was always performing remember in school

your

editors are so competitive I couldn't compete you know that kind of personality

get me

you know I got the answers out before they finish the question I love the startled branding

are so smart but if I understand the precise

or or read or something I'd be keen to select

and I was terrified you know if I made a mistake on my feet I was corrected I got worse rather than better

you know so I was flooded with fear of being called

I think I was the size

get out of school I went to Catholic schools and they can smell

they would say Frank would you stand up and recite

of course I will make an error you know for instance here's a wish and I was so frightened and afraid of making mistakes that I need them and I was two million

my most powerful emotions

because pride is my biggest

you know I worried and cared about everything if you can hear I'm I'm always startled Olympians my wife wishes I always love to think of myself as easy

one filled person but your resides in unison Norman

the person that that worries about everything you know I worry about the paper click on that link was Russell said one of the chief symptoms of opinion over spring

one's work is very important you know

I suffer from it

what

this will come

when you get a sense of the personality that I

of course in those days mental illness was nothing we talked about I come from a family we never talked about anything your little chatterbox is about things except that it was important

you know came in court it was greed upon that that's a big question portent everybody got

and I think as I heard it on information of that kind of thing I think we couldn't talk about subjects because nobody had ever ever

I'm sorry your own our own grief our own disappointments we always went through life like we were okay

you know he didn't talk about it you could get through it

I think we all help

maybe genetically

talk about something we all around

somehow we were doing know what you're paying we would all fall apart

nobody acknowledge anybody we never talked about anything in those days they considered mental illness bad blood and I was watch you know and I want

and I became very careful

I know my mother lost her because she talked about what was going on in your head

and I learned very fast if you just tell them what was going on in your

so really from an early childhood of private life very private Secret Life even to this day I kind of follow the rules you know tell them as much as you want to know

concealment is

part of my character camouflage and concealment

attending

you know I'm a classical alcoholic when no one

always

you know we are sober drunk we're always

the fresh red burns on her name will always be

package

in

all the generation of people with those kinds of character defects or character out

personality whatever

the personality that was treated with

with alcohol

the manager wrote nineteen thirty eight that alcoholism was desperate attempt at self treatment

I started to drink when I was thirteen and I needed

as I often hear in these rooms

it was always drinking perfectly from the beginning of a paper bag

was the learn to drink the right brands on the right classes with the right people in the right places on the planet but it was never really change much

from the yard hallway drinking out of a paper bag

you know I used to Marvel when people said they were in a call back from their first three

I used to think my god are they

you know what if drinking alcohol it means your drink change things

I was alcoholic drink to change myself

my perceptions of you are going to make life a less hostile environment for me and

the fullest possible hostile place for me to do are to live in it I think the power

you know

when it would be great my hand I could say yes to life

with a drink in my hand I had a lot

and I thought you wanted to hear it

in hearing in hearing

when I

I can sadly

but you couldn't you can little chatterbox I'm also another characteristic always have always been more comfortable with strangers and I am with people that I meet with

in my family I had as I said little or nothing

I just got through it

but outside the home I was a little chatterbox I could assume another personality I can line

I could dream

and there are you know I was to find out later on if you need aren't always comfortable and still doing two or three things for things at once

you know why we're even now I'm not here for the money I can be on the phone watching television your crossword puzzle invigorating you know it all going

so it's a way for me to distract myself from the whatever the focus or working I should be doing is

and alcohol was a means to focus

somehow it quieted the voices in my head

it's a known set

and there are

you know I was able to function for a long time surprisingly well

for large quantities of alcohol thirty three when I was thirteen I was

the three years thirteen of them on a daily basis I can get my hands on my mood I went in the army but whenever I could get my hands on whose I I was very angry

I never have what I call

you know you see that with

so called social drinkers whatever that species is but they'll say things like I've had enough

those words never came out of my mouth

people were screaming on my behalf he's had enough

I always thought I was shooting in the second year when everybody else wanted to go home you know I wanted the car keys I want to go places to go interested green and people in need in a world in a life to live

when I drink

the person only gave me access to a personality that I didn't know I own

are you

I could be startled at my own conviction

when I drink

you know I had a

access to a power I could raise an army in March

when I was drinking

I was always afraid when I wasn't drinking every night on the street the first words out of my mouth would say I would be a great

and that was coming up you know like Pavlov's dog during the little bell in the celebration begins well just thought we were going to have a great

call me enough that I would not remember your name and be able to engage in some kind of social

you know if

if there was no drink around I remember going as I'm sure some of you

somebody's house

drinks or whatever

and they would be a long time before the drinks were served and they bring out

you know when they do one for you and one for me and they put everything away

and by the time they sat down on

the ice the ice

started to nibble on the glassware you know I would be sure

your first whether when Judy Garland

garland

and she just had a

and that's the way I was I just couldn't get enough I was trying to quench quarrels struggles

deep within my sub conscious with massive amounts of alcohol

my psyche being something like the the the layers of earth below the surface you know there's an enormous amount of attention

energy building all the time

you know in California the pressures the layers of the earth force

Norma's forces against each other for a long time and every once in a while that was in a rush

you know piece of California falls in the stadium we're all surprised

like we didn't know that three hundred sixty five days a year twenty four hours a day pressure is mounting

no

and my psyche is just like

you know you know I go around pretending I'm okay

I'm

I'm not disappointed I'm not full of sorrow I'm not here I'm not reporter the emotions are I go through life pretending somehow ignoring them not being conscious of

and

and that's that's a minute for me to live I mean that's what what I would be lying and once Y.

when I

be like now without a home

are you are great to be young

if anyone watch me drink they would have said that man wants on purchase

I'm going to smash my five senses as fast as I could

if I was on the brink

I really wanted another one

no we are our family member the Oxford group in New York I invite you all to come together

we need on Monday and Wednesday

on west eighty fourth street at seven thirty and it's wonderful we have this woman in the group are you logged in from the first time she said her favorite drink was the next one

and that was right for me you know I don't read this one

some morning it was really

you know

if you were with the fall of an emperor

and you said

Frank I'm making your first drink after that you help yourself and you don't open bottles behind the open ones

I mean I could relax

are you would be on hurry

you know we would get to know each other we find bonding that night you know where are you if we were in that situation where there was a limited access to booze and we're down to about that what's in the bottle I was finishing her sentence

you get to a bar

because what I really wanted was a limited access

I was at your home or try to become the bartender

you know sort of are

on the way to your drink splashed a little more into mine

I really wanted an industry

when I heard from pretty much the beginning was a presence capacity to consume a lot of those

yep right Parker had blacked out from the beginning I thought blackouts were rest

you know I thought my my black star I could do a qualification and blackouts

they were

many blackouts in the beginning you know people would change places and I'd become

later on in the scene are

the situation or the same I least I know what the subjects were in the beginning until the end of my drinking I've met people and I've been places that I have absolutely no memory of

and that's the real sadness among alcoholism

not the yard when I called the iceberg according to my alcoholism

but the real sadness about my alcoholism is I've been to some of the most

the track the places on the planet with some of the most

what are some of the most auspicious situations and I was strong I was on

I wasn't there

your life

that we most with sorrow

because lots of opportunities to be present to people you have people who made themselves available to present to me but I just wondered

you know the only thing worse than being an alcoholic I think is watching your home one that you care for disintegrate in front of your screen we heard from the other night talk about you know I get a lot of that

if you love me I pushed your way the fastest in the heart

as a runner

you know one of my calls and Kleenex people you know you could use one off and another one pops up

and that's where I want to live

running

you don't like yourself you're not going to bring much needed community

not gonna bring much into relationship

you're always baffled by it I didn't know what I want I didn't know when I was running I was running into relief is really what I'm trying to do ranking

but as we know we can't run long enough or far enough

to get any kind of sense of relief

I always as we know where I always brought myself with me

every California California six years and try to hold a fresh light

all the

just over two years and I can never get to work on time not surprising end up going down the

most of the work and then of course right now I'd be in the San Francisco virtually every night drunk out of my skull either risking another

another do you why and driving drunken driving arrest trying to drive down

down to where I live in Los Altos

we're we're trying to find a place to stay over with somebody to stay over weight and are trying to work the next morning

it was a no win situation

most of my most of my drinking life was spent trying to accommodate all

you know some

probably any conscious sense of defining myself I was a drinker thank you Sir

we've called and

many of my drinking was in negotiable

what the rest of my life was negotiable the people in my life my jobs were negotiable

I wasn't conscious of that

but all those things could be changed what couldn't be changes my capacity to drink

former prime minister

I was in agreement over my head long before I knew it

as I say I never listen to drink in my life

I worked for pharmaceutical companies and their advertising agencies so I had unlimited access to all

and I should be killed

I didn't mind being an alcoholic for a long corner three things like the Merck manual not being an alcoholic lots of things around them he

the Merck manual

I just didn't want to look like an alcoholic

you know we think the cosmetic effects of alcoholism that troubled me the most

what I experienced

but what you saw

you know if you saw drooling snarling

and given his

that's on me if I was conscious of that

because that was not minding my mental picture of what I what I wanted to be

yep that's what I had become

you know if you're a

if you're not working you drink you become what you hate the most

and all the things I'd run from all my life

a lack of sensitivity is what I'd be home at the end of my drinking

and yet I persisted

again and you know

one of the most important things are about me was my job

I was able to get

good jobs and hold on to them for a period of time

currency to be about twenty four months

by then I had disgraced myself and people

people began to know and worse I began to know that I wasn't going to succeed I was gonna be there anyone

and I would have to run

I didn't know that I changed jobs every twenty four months to I've been sober for a while to get my resume it was like a learning you know learning comes up every seven years and starts running towards the sea the twenty four months I would know that I had to get my resume out

by then I

he comes when called in my character defects a lack of promise and rising

humiliations I believe the environment

and I treated that like I forget everything else with another great

he drinker I thought I had a lot of class I don't know where I got

do you guys have a lot in class with

I knew the brand

the glassware to drink from I knew where you were supposed to go in

all that

you know the children

it's more than a physical addiction to a chemical substance whole lifestyle

one time in my in my life I was able to foster using all

my consciousness and create a wide

that wasn't mine and I never really

hello other than a visitor

one of the

the feelings I have in my life is that I'm an intruder

that everybody else knows each other he knows what's going on and I'm an interruption that

it's still very hard for me for example to go into a room where needed

in my own group I get there early because it's very very difficult for me for a moment

you'll find now but a moment happens when I turn to look at that I guess sickening feeling

like I don't belong there and that's what I try to treat with alcohol with massive amounts of alcohol

the feeling that I didn't belong that I was another

that everybody else had kind of an agreement and understanding and I was not party

twenties of alcohol to school that

the feeling of intruder

it is it is never short of a blackout never short of being unconscious

in fact I always are always running

we asked the alcoholic

you know my my neighbor knows more specific details

looking through a curtain

if I'd known I'd be talking about it's a long walk and I would have paid more attention you know

it's going to stop

I can you know for the first year I think I raise my hand asking things like why didn't anyone tell me

everybody told me

every cell in my body told me when I come

I just wasn't able to hear see feel taste

when I was drinking I just moved on to another during

one day I just couldn't do it anymore it was June tenth nineteen seventy and into my consciousness came to call Alcoholics Anonymous

I don't know where the capacity came to act on that idea

to get it with the idea to get those two things in the same moment is virtually statistically

apparently in blackouts are talked about going to the mini clinic I talked about paying Whitney and a lot of people often

in black

remember these until I'd read write some letters after I got sober and people

repeated those offers me

but in a minute you may call our

then I was able

I couldn't spell Alcoholics Anonymous I don't know how many acres are elves are more order they were I don't

quantity of

a vast amount of damage my central nervous system in addition to

I never I never

I ran on a prescription once taken needed

you don't need to be a very enlightened way to deal with you know your grams per body weight our

you know what mood you want a half hour or so

you know you want to be cool chilled out a little bit what you want to be in action or some of each

the way I would go I don't know you're ready because I didn't want to look like a bloated drunk I didn't want to look like I'd become

correct your serpentine or because I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack my

it's weird but I'm sure many of you were to take massive quantities of unknown when your heart rate goes

my bed would literally vibrate

with a heart

a massive injuries or something like that

serpentina and everything else I've never seen a man at a cocktail party

you can imagine what trouble he when when he reported to me that the ruling would postpone a blackout

I was able to go forth without taking a Ritalin you know I feel like in another half hour before the curtain came down

personality disorders multiple personality disorders

I was a different person with different people I had a personal office

three button suit kind of thing in parking I even had an office for you would call me and say you think the office support and

and there are

you have to have drinks and stuff with people who were sort of in that

you know social situations and I grab my big book talked about Iran with lower lower companions finally the after hours places and under the bridge places late at night

more more and they need to be drinking toward the end you know giving false names which was an early

experience for me creating a personality and assigning a personality all kinds of

six

in gaming and stuff like that fabricating a person in trying to be that person and say that person you can do that in a large city and get away with for a long time you can ask your illness

and I did it as long as I could I drink as long as I

that's true for every other alcoholic in the room I don't think anyone stops a half hour before we have

I've never had that experience with somebody stops in

the folder or something Texas out goes off to a party after you're like me after I should have been here

with the leftover ones

pretty much every alcoholic stop streaking Frank

it's nice to be alive when you stop

you know I just happen to be alive when I stopped it certainly was by no merit of my own

I never I never took any kind of our

small

waiter or need any kind of small effort to extend my life

everything I did consciously was extinguish my life my five senses as fast as I could and I was a drunken driving you could take the car keys away from me when I stopped drinking I could die you can buy your way out of the box

those kinds of our

your answers

they weren't on the look out for drunk drivers the way they are now and I got away with murder

I didn't hit anybody I mean I didn't commit murder but I I walked away from

many many total automobile accidents on California which had to be drunk

with reason

one often a lot and I remember being sold waste so wasted from drinking you know how you got

any

you know you could get the muscles to move at all

here anymore

being on there and stopping at a light and not having enough energy to put my foot down you know as I stopped it it was fall over on the

he didn't bother me what bothers me is that somebody was in the car next to me and watched me fall over you know the humiliation Norman remained jumped on this card can I help you I heard myself say yeah just help me get started I only I'm only probably isn't going

I knew that that was a metaphor for my life later on

you know that I was fine when life was growing but it never stopped I could I was baffled about how to start

what started me most is how I stayed

the function

you know as long as I did

June tenth it was over

and I called information and they gave me the telephone number you York intergroup and I called I called there was a woman alive at that time you're going to see if you had to get down here

and I've been in a custody ever since you know I just wanted some beers

you know I I created for some beer because I really thought you were giving your liver a rest you were just drinking beer you know didn't really count

I'm feeling more and more in the food category but it to be sent out for a

children's

and I stayed I stayed in a in in New York in a group that day and I went to my first meeting that night I walked from New York in a group

the second street I walked into my first meeting Butterfield on seventy second street

and went to beginners meeting at night when I heard me and talk about his trip to Australia was an actor

getting thrown call through Australia and

I thank him for his talks a month later and he said he had never been to Australia you know so I just remind myself when you're you know you're fabricate your own story you don't have to have any any import from the speaker

sure that's going on tonight it's going to leak to the speaker

that there are

junkie ever since

I think everything is a hearing aid

everything is

I need a hearing aid with all the ability to fight took a bug with enough velocity against that wall

the body uses of that

my uncle was violent enough the only

into Alcoholics Anonymous notice within the philosophy that I've talked

I also have come in the month of June

you know your ears in June July and August

your sweater like I am

and it's hard to leave with

you may not be known

what was wrong with me

as all of us and I thought I'd be out of here quick

I thought you had a sense of humor

I never had the ability to laugh at myself everything about he was in

your mother I'd say no big thing it's been done before Shakespeare wrote about it you know minimize your suffering

well I was inconsolable

and the more people trying to help me

the worse it got

no it's not so bad Frank can hardly notice I would say in my

sign on their face you know are like that

I don't know a lot of damage I stopped using blues in the same moment

when I remind myself of the axis powers that I had one

you for all of us

we have access to a power in our lives

amazing

and I was able to stop using the same moment right didn't come fall

I was a composer

want to compulsions in the present conditions as well as parties it was my party trick or anything you don't

when in doubt three

when I came in it was not uncommon to see people compulsory meeting

I can tell you nothing is more riveting than this year

you know we're not we're not fooling around with you when you see somebody controls from acute alcohol withdrawal

right down there a lot of

anyway if I was alive at the end of my drinking and I don't I like to remind myself that I can you know collection on the voicemail

that was

you know that was great

what I needed for and continue to need Alcoholics Anonymous for instance via recovery

you what do you do with five senses recording a hundred percent of the data for you when you lived on marginal amounts of information most of your life and fabricated most of that

you know suddenly I found out I wasn't the cute little thing anymore

we are we are we want to do with the reality that I'd squandered every opportunity I've been given

anyone who loved me and cared for me I pushed away and ran away from

but the only the only thing I could I did in my life for my behavior was long

my wife speaks to one night stands

or Alcoholics Anonymous

even though are for a great deal of my life people tried to make space for me in their lives find a space in my own

somebody said the worst person god inability to Wall

and I really feel I was drinking I heard yes

he held any capacity really **** laude

there are in any kind of genuine and meaningful way

we know that most of the things begin to happen in the recovery hours are

I was

paradox I mean are you are you are I was also filled with joy as I said I I began to develop a sense of humor you know I couldn't laugh at you laughing about yourself you know I've always lived in the home right they they handle the corner where you know the man was a stand up and say you know he you know he took all the money he burned his house down the

he left his baby on the bus

over his wife in the driveway

after the meeting with thank god thank you Fred you really helped me you know

if you lining up

thank

in the more Cornish in the story the better we

it was a powerful

you know there are

because you were able to keep

to treat your sorrows with some kind of levity it began to get into my own

yeah I remember reading a review with Sylvia Plath's suicide it will be over valued her own sorrows

and boy did that have a name that have my name on it

I always overvalued

you know what anything about me was heavy

white me often normally might not sound like that

right near normal

and are also screens for my life anyway

I've been given a daily reprieve from

alcoholism and ingestion of it or any other kind of our

mood altering chemical

for twenty two years now I really feel my soul that if I can do it you can do it anybody can do it

as I say I started off I was angry rap from the beginning

yes I find I found a method of living through the twelve steps I can give you an opportunity to be happy

I would never have described myself in my life

as being a happy man

I always felt that somehow dark there was a darkness or shadow self

that would ruin my life the sort of the dark Irish

you know I'd be looking at the churning sea well the rest of the world went on

happy

that's a longer true I don't see myself as a

god has done for me what I could not have done for myself

I tried to try to create a mood I try to try to move him accordingly I try to be happy joyous and free as long as I

by using all kinds of chemical reactions

on to the right of Mary Baker Eddy you know I just don't do anything

that's a great team

it's not it's not you know hold hold hold on one

and some of the year the other day he said something about me being in a workshop where I was at this weekend somebody

mentioned are you know they're not what's the problem who's the problem

the problem is always on the problem

you know I really see that clearly on my left your brain but there's this other operational right hemisphere

it's going

for

since the peace that I never I've never known long

for all

I had occasion to loss of self total loss of self part of the community but I never dreamed I could own

and that's what I'd like to talk about a minute

in in what we have here you know I need Alcoholics Anonymous more today than when I entered in a way the only thing I needed then was not to drink

yeah given a lot of help three

I still believe that that's a that's a necessary known

centerpiece to my life today that I don't

or anywhere else in my life

I also have to be emotionally sober

I know how to spell my line for yours by being intoxicated with my emotions

no I call myself a psychic vacuum

nor can pick up whenever the mood in the room is

you know I can be in a bank line some people be quarreling in the next morning and I want to get

now you wait let her go

you know and I want to run I want to run the world

you know and pretty soon I think that can be intoxicating unemployed with that because if you're in and somebody says something snarky to me the war is on

you know and I see how I can do that myself

to distract myself from the real issue is somehow control of myself

it takes all my energy

you know I you know I've been in this hotel just over a

two days or something and with a mate coming every day my my room still looks like teenagers living