Carol F. speaking in Reno, NV

hi my name is Carol

and I mean Alemannic

that's down on with alcoholic tendencies

the truth I think for a second hahaha

I'm delighted to be here because it looks like the in home are you're speaking with characteristic

most of them in your part of my love relatives family and I like them better than my blood relatives

because I never have to explain to them where they can see where I'm at with my

and

I want to thank her for asking me first of all and his lover you pick this up at the airport last night and

right here in

in the old days we were going to directly compare

we did not

we did it all worked out this morning we're still going and the

I brought with me your friend Marcella

in the front row your husband Bob and that my husband was able to come because we know it's a little too high for him he's a long transplant into

he's not able to travel with me but he didn't do his very best

and that

your committee is wonderful I enjoyed the speaker in the committee's reception that's always nice because when you get to a place that you've never been before thank you from the Canadian and not feel so inadequate because of course I'm very very honored

during our non anywhere especially here in this room has a lot of memories for me good on them and there are a couple

really didn't expect anything Catherine Merrill in a long time and so it's just really neat it feels like coming home

I was very here forty four years ago

the bad one the

and my father was married and I stayed right here in this hotel for a week and that and it was wonderful so the elephants still here in Somalia and the it was really nice to see the show left that we did that we had a fantastic time

this

I'm going to give him my expense check route and it locks in the flat screens out there

but it's just like

I need to first of all tell you that I am in Allentown that is very comfortable

also in Alcoholics Anonymous I'm an hour and that leads to the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous the where I came in and

I

I think that asking me what the first step that were identical

I don't think the feelings are any different with our ground I really don't so I'm very comfortable I noticed another hot here would you like to raise your hand

right now the one the open mind

yeah I need to tell you a little bit about what I what I was like what happened when I might

and I want to tell you that the lady that you see it here tonight look nothing like the lady that came down on I have before and after pictures if you'd like to see them

I have not had a mind game thanks downturn in opening meeting our key when I'm invited those are the only three things that I go to I qualify for a lot of other things that

these two programs that didn't mean anything and everything that anyone could desire life far more than you but I've made aware of I just celebrated twenty years down on it on the fifteenth of every play it went right back after twenty years of my life and

good news your first convention in your purse primer on down under the program the statement continued their drinking you are going to be a

you know something

the book

Lois remembers and Bill rode as bills creeping out than ever

and when they were children I have five wonderful brother Jimmy

I was raised with those boys for many many years and I think you came along the line Kerr

he lives all things that I was not and the things that make you nineteen you know our our direct result of a written down with the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and returning the call method and I know it's not conclusive proof but I'm also

that nobody in this room is complex

the only thing that is is the literature

I'm very careful about that

but that

read me

and we gave the label for my life I don't know about you but I feel no different than the alcoholic I never

I didn't like me when I was born I was born this call already

for everything and then I got to run with my brothers for years and years my dad's an army man anyway distressed by Saturday morning inspections really we were

restricted to quarters which to me was worse than a weapon our records with the belt I do not go to batter the region honest I am not that dumb and we deserved everything we got and there because it was a lot of fun to watch you get the greater within because my dad was gone a lot but my mother he said dynamite ladies seven wonderful memories great sense of humor which she gave to all of us in return

all my life and I got

but she was just reported that when he came home mark just in their living room and he

he did that he with us and we cannot find what you can't find out because he's a boy he did see the lucky guy you know there's a right you know and that

a lot of fun

and Michael Turner calling

parties on those army bases I did not like being a girl find out because I thought that my dad didn't like me because there was a girl and that he wanted all boys

the rule in our house was that I had to go with those boys wherever they went for many many years and I

we love getting even today when we're together I remind them that I can do anything they could do better and I could be living most of the sport and I tell them that the only difference between me and them

I believe that they've never been pregnant I've never been circumcised

we we moved a lot I hated being the new kid in town

in

can you share with them that

my mother didn't know how to do here's a woman here at Brady from a hold

and that there was not much that I thought about

that work under that when I grew up there are a couple things that I wanted I wanted to grow up

get married and have eight children and live in a little town all my life and never ever move my children go to school there and their children go to school there and and I I that's all I ever talked to I mean so grateful that I have a feeling here today that god does not listen to the prayers of cool

I don't know what I would have done with data had enough time with I had a hard time with four that's our life with our family so I never had anything here about drinking everybody I knew and they didn't have a good time my father

because he said from the time I was sixteen I always want to be forty

seemed to me when I was growing up that people forty years old

the other

anything they wanted they dressed right they had burned and then it just looked like that to me on the true course when I read forty and we have a lot more fun

I'm only twenty

it's gotten better yeah

with a lot of fun I never paid any attention to the drinking and my father as I said moved a lot and he moved to New York when I was very young and he decided that it was time for me to get out of over off and become a lady and so he put me in a condo and

my nephew strange dealer Michael

and

to learn

but in those days that's what people do now I felt different because my brothers were not going to private school my sister much younger than I was not going to private school and he was all the things that I thought I should have been like tiny

you know that and I think that I didn't care for her mother when she was born even

we don't see too much one another because she has a little

among the questions

that doesn't mean anything

yes I need this program I've been told that I released her with love to do whatever she likes but I know he's practicing because she makes midnight or two AM call me collect and

still accept them and the doctor told her she has to do whatever she wants to get there and is there anything wrong with her big sister pain with my only motive I did not coming here because I was out shopping at

I came here because I was in a lot of pain and great today because of that well aware of and that I don't ever want to forget that but I would like this content and I had the meaning none in the world they return by Hitler

the planes with the media in the convent he drink Scotch on the rocks yes you were happening or not and I think now that I've seen nine cake a cake the melancholic no one ever saw me

and explain the whole lot

but he taught me a lot first of all she taught me not to keep guns he had warned me about them and when he caught me again she had me

yes so called don't forget even the most of your young to remember but I got to follow it in there

how did you come to us forty five years old

and even today only to have to stick I need more of those burgers you know

me me though that's one thing I can say about it and I'm grateful for that education today are worth and not at the time I was rebellious

not because in those days not like

when you got in trouble in school you got in trouble at home big trouble and the in my case but I have a lot of fun in school in the middle that schooling my dad was transferred overseas right after the war and I went over there and then I went to high school I don't have thirty five high school students and had a wonderful time and it was just a lot of fun because there was like fifty million dollars and then the two young ladies around so it's a lot of fun at the red cross clubs where my father didn't know we were

my but miles better with him and I was very popular in high school it was not because they hate was interesting and helpful and had a great personality it was because I had five good looking brothers at home and that automatically guarantees you a lot of girlfriends and in my family to bring kids home so it was always very open thing and I didn't think too much because when I dated my five brothers were down here in the front in the front room and they were one would drag the flag and the other one would you rule it out you know and

I thought they were really hard

many repeaters you know they didn't come back in time and

I was not allowed to do because I was sick

acting as a large animal based up north and then I met the god of my understanding

and that he was wonderful as all alcoholic

I love alcoholic

over one and get a

he was the only thing that any young girl could mourn you know and I know today that entered into that relationship with absolutely no self worth I don't know where it went I would have had trouble I know that you're my inventory in any marriage I entered into

welcome and I'm grateful that I married an alcoholic I have the right to call him an alcoholic that was told early on now and then I did not have the right

all right because he was not a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and did not raise his hand if that

call them a lot of things never an alcoholic I don't know anything about alcoholism but he was wonderful and I entered into that relationship the same way I entered into the marriage two years later lucky Morrison lucky that

good looking and learning somebody like me you see I I felt ugly on my line felt like the end result you know I didn't know where I was going didn't want to be when I was no idea that all my life I stood at hill of diamonds looking for girls and no idea what I would become absolutely love what I am today and I love my family and it's just giving me everything but anyway

my husband we went together for two years we were engaged for two years my family adored him I always thought that they liked him better than me I know today that my brother is the garden because I have

three of my brothers and I think they're from drinking is a problem to me whether or not there are car accident in my business and I don't spend too much time around them they adore my husband because he could sit there and listen to their stories you know and I don't have that kind of

yet

others need to see the devastating disease of alcoholism in my family

and

so he proposed to me in the magic words hello ladies that my hair hurt with your what

and we ran away to Reno Nevada

for years I thought that god was getting even with me because I was pregnant when I got married

worse than that years later I decided it was not good it was that I had married a southern Baptist

according to the Catholic Church that's worse than that because by then I had become a convert to Catholicism and let me tell you being a conduit is much worse than the incredible Catholic because I majored in mind and shame everything that was going on with them now that I heard it not if I was taught and I still have selected the hearing on some days when I'm not a good place and I have a gauge for that so I kind of watch it but

that marriage with all the hopes and dreams that any young by half we we had a little girl and

no I had talked to him because I can tell you about

Pakistan's long is that

they are

current I mean Callum

here's an hour to learn not to do that it never sounds the same when it comes back a month later you know never you know I can remember that my name is no different than a lot of marriages with alcohol

there's nothing unique about my marriage I had all the things going on that you never read or heard about I don't make a big deal about it because it is not unique

garden variety alcoholic marriage and I am grateful for every single thing that happened to me and I never thought I would be able to say that

because it got me here it got me here

I'd go back and do it all over again and I wouldn't change anything if I could have what I have this moment right here

and

we are

I want to respond to it you know name calling goes on drinking marriages I don't know my years and I took that personal he took Allen on opening days to learn at work can only hurt you if you let him yeah but the problem is right between my ears no one else I don't go into my mind much today because it's not my friend and the

I tried to live spontaneously in response to my mouth and and that that's good to remember but I can remember running to make plans early on Ellen

he's calling me a **** he said

well

you either are you and I thought

this woman is

years defending my morals

our baby sleep with me now because to prove where I was why did he come home put them all back then come in ripped the covers off they where were you I think I was hearing the case no you weren't I think last year

you know

absolutely crazy I don't have any quarrel the card to raise my hand the highest you heard my story when you heard understanding itself I think is the finest literature that ever came out of New York before or since and believe me believe it or not it came from a little bitty book called the alcoholic marriage that retirement first book published in nineteen fifty two and that's where it came from and that not many people know that may want to know that but

it was no different there was just lots of things that went on in my home my husband was a violent alcoholic

I know today that I have to take responsibility for that because when he came home it was like my markers attached to the door now he came home and I started and then and I always knew how to start and he knew how to start me it was always you know I never could

I don't know what love was I thought it was standing up to him and he was very last minute and that cost me a lot the lumps and bumps and there are no today and also from opening a meeting

the Alcoholics Anonymous took a lot of pain on my merry because I just thought it was crazy because we are not down drag out fight and that

the next day he getting in the shower and I say

okay right right right

thank

and that looks like I got hit by a truck

I am crazy you know

they don't go to hospitals like they do they

you know

it was common garden variety drunk you know he beat me I beat the click and click the doctor simply

there's lots of things about the American life

he never ever told me Caroline in regard about fourteen days and aren't going down easily having fun don't go anywhere with the children might go to work every day in order to steal from me but I did it when I did it at

my own free will I'm not a victim I was a volunteer and that

to say that today

certainly go with America's checks to a liquor store and bars have magic even today at work

and I know that but they're not playing for grocery stores and things like that we talked about having children needing money so I have for their online

I could name for you know but I call them cores Jim beam while Turkey and other women that tried it all you know I drink with my husband in the beginning I wouldn't go out and drink with them and my oldest brother said you know if you don't go with him there's a lot of women out

and so that got my attention and I went out with my husband every Friday night for twenty two years to keep the romance marriage

I'm happy to tell you don't work

I got drunk him for him against him try different person he'd see what he looked like an all make me sick and I'm grateful for that because you see I have a lot of fun in the beginning with them but I'll call it alcohol does not do for me what it does for the alcoholic

trending Peggy M. in Nebraska and I heard her speak early on and though

tell you what I heard

when I was at this convention with her and they don't tell you the difference at the mall on a drink

my

I think for me

whatever may need your

do you know

and that

wait

you know

the clerk for me can not drink so I can watch them and count the drinks and know what's going to happen and I never knew what was going on he he I believe everything he ever said it was always my fault you know he would come home

oligarchs but whatever he said I had done that because they wait so long you know and those are called meaningful conversations I don't like the word meaningful I don't use it much because you all know what conversations they are

it would start over and it was going to be different he would always be my father no matter what I did I tried to be a better housekeeper became Mrs clean you could eat off my floor warning was not a happy healthy self and the kids were going crazy you know they didn't know what to expect he was a very private person and I have two boys that were abused and I thought that a listener where I got the courage to do it hello I was out of town on business I've worked since I was fourteen years old

full time job and I was always in every organization for school business and professional women you name it now isn't it and I know

an inventory the reason I was in those things that I did one take a look at

I didn't want to face up to what was happening in my home I went to bed every single night thinking that what was happening in my home what's not happening

you know they don't talk like sexual abuse in the podium I can tell you there tomorrow and he could if you had even laid down there he had been sexually abuse started

these store near you

it's no big deal and there

that's when we moved a lot I hated them again because he knew that I didn't want to move I didn't know they were geographically I didn't know anything about the disease of alcoholism I never looked

I don't understand why he had to bring people into the party all the parties at our house we played all those games in the home that you play you know it is a big deal out of the big bet on the caps off the counter in

you know it didn't make any difference in the fight right the silent treatment which is always very grateful for

he would advise his whole office home and I would cook because naturally I became a super cool trying to get him home expiring on pot looks very favorite keeping them because they never run out of

I have a friend in Laguna beach who invented a sprayer keep me more as well she will that

when you're trying to you know you gotta try everything

to get together and have their own spot me big form their own F. B. I. and put them out of business because we couldn't find anybody we want to

he

bility to hear our car mild winter with

the server was very got any money or what the car looks like you know and we're going to fight you know so it's just a

big deal and I always laughed at the wrong time I have always been

image anymore but then I

learn better but it took me a long time because of a slow learner but I'm grateful that I have it because they say that it took a lot of pain but by not that it's just ordinary we moved to London we got in California I can tell you what I know about the disease of alcoholism which isn't much but it is getting aggressive ugly disease I don't ever get better they steadily got worse and sometimes they die I watched an alcoholic died very good friend of mine

it's not

it's not crazy at all but we live in California

because

three ways that you would never drive again so paranoid that I didn't find outside of my inventory the reason I didn't want to drive with because I was married to someone who didn't have car insurance

I wasn't bright enough to my children down telling that every time they turn sixteen and the mother went crazy you know what was wrong and I didn't tell them that because you never you never did anything like that with the children that are you know you always let the man being the disciplinarian the head of the family and so on and so forth we need every

but anyway when we got him in California things got worse one of the worst things in my marriage I think that bothered me the most and now my clients have a lot of work for me when I got here this was on my husband hello hello companions in this life and death that's what I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous open meetings to call those women

you know I knew but I didn't want to know how many of you understanding that that is not

I think it's a separate thing

it is anyway to separate disease and there is a lot of damage to me one more time when I got there I don't like being a woman at all I spent a lot of work in that area but I totally didn't matter as long as he didn't bring those women to the same time with the children that were working with they were going to school and I'd like to look for my only went twice and then the first time I took the car because he wanted to kill anybody and then when I came out of me because by then I was indeed candle burning plastic let me tell you thank you dinner on a first name basis earning calling thing anymore and

there are three places I went when I came down and went to the cleaners to get his close to the grocery store to get what and

teachers

the

when I came in America my car was stolen and I thought had been stolen and actually I didn't have

easy money with me so I walked home and by the time I got home there he was standing in my spot cooking are famous breakfast after all the neighbors and friends that came over to our house and with that smile on his face

that gotcha smile at you just like to kill us

I always thought about shooting him

I think you're not going to go to jail you know murder isn't is an absolute ordinary feeling for people who live with drinking I learned much better places much ways better ways to murder in opening meetings and every now and end up

I got I didn't know anything about pills I heard about interviews and I thought it was just that we put in a green think tank I think it didn't anything more I can tell you from personal experience that their bodies do not react to pills the way ours do

and the

one time we have a big dinner party and he was so drunk and I said to a friend of mine I naturally didn't cover anything because her husband drank as much as mine and she's a member of our learning that in the city but she doesn't go where anyone recognizes her

I think that

if you only knew you know that the only hang out with people who drink so what else do you expect anyway she thinks she was an R. and she said I think we should just go to sleep you know I used to say that my husband was the type of drug that would come home drunk in hand with the check

political

I think I don't know but takes the cake for me it took a lot

because they never wanted a divorce but anyway she thought a couple sleeping pills which you could do is just open up this mess

and I did

he stayed awake three

never

never

I want to be a long just long enough to see what was happening what was what you know what he was what was happening you know I tried to sell twice in my marriage I'm not proud of that thank god they'll make junk you don't want me

I learned it down on any day that nobody leaves here without god's permission and that goes for everybody that that's been a real comfort to me

but

only the death for a long

you know

I wanted to look good

when I woke up the last time it was connected everything this hospital in and I and I just couldn't believe what I had done you know and

thank you breach between my sons and their father at the time and then one of them still is not resolved that and that very well in his own tying his own way I learned this program that

rein him in is not between me and him instead you know I'm no longer in the mail and I'm so grateful but like I said those are the things that is the second time I went looking for my husband was one day out of thank you hospital I had a hundred stitches in one leg he wasn't home he came to see me every afternoon the nurses most adoring husband in the world and you know it is real sarcastic Dino with sarcasm is now but I would say to them that I wish you had him you know and

real small town and

I'll call

because I knew how to find it

and in may because

he lives lower companion or at a hotel that we have that as a family when we first moved to southern California and I thought that was rather tacky and that so I called and he made his first mistake of the day

he answered the phone in the

the callers motels and say would you tell Mr Mrs so and so that I'm running late and will be able to turn in for cocktails another thirty minutes since we only have a double check in England it's so hot

okay and

sarkhan my seventeen year old son and a couple that was visiting me from the church that worked and got into driving me to that motel I told him I would not go in

big decline

there is nothing about lying you know we're just just bigger currently stylish I can only speak for myself so I can include driving me up there

turned out

I don't know how I got in the room I knocked on the door and then he answered

they were not properly entitled to thirty in the afternoon and the

there are companion ran into the bathroom and locked the door and I don't know why she was paid to me and I need a hole about this big in the bathroom door and the

I told her wig and threw it out in the

in related to the police station because I knew that her husband was a cop in another town

and then I went back and had a drink with them because I wanted the money I was thinking money property and prestige what I want to do is pay the rent because we are being a victim when I was you know they were moving but this is a follow up here and my god you tell the truth you're always surprised at what you say and that

when I went back home with them because I want that money no I don't do that degree the alcoholic he was drunk I was sober you know I like to tell you that the things that my marriage I was drunk on my way

yeah but

awesome I was just cold sober and crazy

it was crazy and never once thought about turning myself in you know how can I afford you know

we need to think

we always put him first

hello my sponsor

today

I hope I remember to tell you that anyway that's kind of how my life went home after that we had one of those conversations and I apologize for my behavior and that that lady came over the bar that companion animals calling lady and she said to me I am so grateful he didn't call my husband

when my husband walked over behind her and said if there's one thing about my wife I can tell you is that she is a Christian

let me tell you talk about being angry I put my glasses on the bar and and I just wondered you know turned out

they got cut but

great there was absolutely stark raving and that

and it got worse never you know we start all over again by the time our girls are married the leader of North India I have two teenagers in high school I was moving he'd been gone for about two weeks and I've got the courage

the whole back a couple check

my only my only concern never thought about that before

you know and the

when he came back and we were going to start over again we moved into an apartment where victims from that home moved into an apartment with the boy who had a swimming pool and we always want to life at the pool he said to me that's really going to be nice characters won't be long till her off myself

the other thing ring into it it did years before

hold on just a little bit

and that was never ever

and then I was just going to be crazy but that particular day I remember very little of that day in fact absolutely nothing in the twenty years I can tell you what I know is what my son has told me

my husband to have a drink yourself to keep going and I said no I'll never drink again as long as you live

I don't know where the word came from and I don't remember anything after that I woke up at three o'clock in the morning

but in blood black and blue from head to foot hit very quickly no glasses that lost hearing in one ear one more time today as a result of mine now and lack of knowledge I think they did not know what I was dealing with

and what is happening with that I got up and ran away from home

early had been

a meeting previous to that my services to run down

asked me if I would be embarrassed to take them to the naming when she arrived here in California brother was in jail I would get him out of jail like okay I knew better but is because see them there in front of his sister's mother in honor of the snot and

yeah but she I took her to the naming and the speaker that meeting with Sam and it was the first time that I heard laughter belly laugh

I had left my family I mean it he was just wonderful I just thought it just displays the family if I didn't he's still one of my favorite speakers and that because he was one of the first and then we'll check it out my husband called me when they said you don't have to worry about me I'm going to H. sleeve are merry and I believe in my boss told me they don't have to go with them yeah

and and I didn't and he finds that would you would you like to go to a meeting with me and then I went to that

meeting in the harbor and there are a number of

as I was leaving a lovely lady came out and she had me on the hand and she's quick

it

and then the last thing I never thought about it again

ask him why he had there while the people were standing there with little green cards and then he went ballistic he called me everything

the white one I mean it was just terrible

on that one what made him so angry about me asking a simple question over three years now before I found out he's been attending a report card and

I went away from home that night and I went to my boss about it he called the doctor and I called alcoholic because that's all I could think up and I'll be for ever ever ever grateful for the gentlemen that answered the phone he kept me talking on the phone and he finally figured out give me the number whereas in promise me that you'll stay there I want this lady to call you right back and the magic of the program for me was that it seemed as though

before I could put that phone in the cradle it rang again and the wonderful wonderful lady from Texas and that her name is Emma and that he talked to me about an hour and a half she made it

the classic twelve step call we don't get to make that call to much because we have a treatment center hospital or some on every corner and we got everything in California and the

that's true and that anyway

he came over to see me later she did not say I look better anything like that we talked and I don't remember what she talked about her story and she took me to my first Albany that night in harbor California on August fifteenth nineteen seventy four and I realized I was home I liked it I went into a room full of laughing clapping smiling people and they were talking very thrilled with was dirty and I loved it I just absolutely loved it our little teeny tiny lady like always wanted to be

take time and she shared with me how she had stopped this call violence at home and we don't give orders in our nine and we do not give advice if someone's giving you advice you are going to the wrong vehicle and that he shared with me and and that what he said was he just waited till he was sobering up feeling remorseful and she just looked at me I said remember you have to sleep sometime

the woman waited in my time came and done he was sobering up business connected him he'll never touch me again because I just remembered you have to sleep sometime now it's not as great as that lady I had aluminum ball bat in my hand when I set it down and he had a hammer

he became very

I think you know he would be

Dr

you know

what I can tell you about that is you know when you could play in the games in your home

because it takes to play the games that I never knew

you are

you know and

okay my they learn this week my first meeting I went home and read the one at a time and I went to sleep yeah

eighty four it was my duty to stand guard you know these are not marks from my old age