Beverly D. from Chattsworth, CA at Montana Spring Roundup in Butte, MT

I am aware

my name is Beverly Douglas and I am an alcoholic

and I'm very proud

for you tonight and tell you that I'm a sober woman alcoholic

I would like to have the hand of the newcomers that are here tonight would you please raise your hand

great

I'm glad you know and I know that you are that you've got a problem and if alcoholism is your problem

we have a solution

we have a solution

this book about a planned actions that we have taken

that helped us

do you recall the

from alcoholic

we never recovered

we have found an answer to our problem however we are not sure

what we have found is that

thank you

on our spiritual condition

and I know that the word recovery has a lot of controversy on our

three

and I'm I'm glad that you know that I've read the rest of that because I was again brown I keep hearing people saying we are recovering well you know we are recovering in the beginning but those of us who have been here even for a short while once you have started to climb the principles of this program you will find that you have recovered from the Green Line hopeless state of mind and body and that you have called your great problem on a daily basis on a daily basis and I think that that was very important to me

now

you know I want to

program a lot

and I love to call

the first

thank the committee for inviting me here tonight it's always an honor to be invited and the other thing is is that I think that I would be remiss in not thank you the people that come here to pray for these officers round up and conventions because because

there are

and able to carry into many of the hospitals and institutions and then to the homes of the people that are ill and then are not able to get out and get the meeting thank you recorders and the community

here here

right now I don't making

I lived in California for a while now but I'm here because I'm from Florida somebody come up to me after leaving one that makes that I thought you cared to come from the south and I don't know I'm not them you can get

really why are young lady all

how can I do it briefly

I remember my dad got the table were not he said I had two older brothers and we were sitting on his groin when you get old enough to go to work and earn your own money can buy your own cigarettes your own booze far as I'm concerned you're old enough to drink

well hello sorry I went you know started drinking and smoking and I went to work at a really really great you know you get going there not what really happened with that the war come along and for young people that are here and that was the second World War not first when I want to get

anyway all

you know

it was like the whole world just went on a party and all I did was just going to pardon only thing was when the party was over I didn't go home and I see a lot of people here didn't either

I'm still a party girl and I love to go to parties you know and only thing is that I'm correct the only difference otherwise I just had myself a wonderful time but I started drinking and

everybody else was in it was you know I just did it

and by the time I was sixteen I was hurt by the time I was sixteen I was a blackout drinker well I was also pregnant Mary just in that order

my girls didn't do those things that

the way the world's going to die you know if you got pregnant

either that or go on welfare what they do they are not part

anyway you know

thank you would you believe me Hey I was almost four months

then hang up

I was working when

and I don't

right not come back

you know when I come back out my children are the greatest not go through a lot

and the boss was watching the action he came over and told me he didn't think it was a good business you know I think after that Austrian doctor and we have family doctors inside you that I would entertain and dog he told me he could not be in the office well I guess everybody on Monday morning and he worked I went in after he was certain that they go over here he leaned back in his arms you know he's got there he looked at me for a few minutes you know and he leaned over here is there

wherever you are

well I thought about that for a few minutes and I leaned back over that yes can I look right now and ask the doctor Moses I can't be I've never been with a man

he thought about that

and he leaned back over that you're able to mature at me I was not the second virgin Mary

I was really sorry to hear that

anyway I did marry this young man and I lost that child and I didn't get pregnant again for another six years and I have a beautiful daughter at that time and all

it was a drone army he was a real bad twenty one he was

hallucinations you know he he always had planned all over and the only time I've ever seen him was when he was coming off of it with these bugs planted all over and then and then you wonder you know we are calling don't mind getting drunk and got it we just don't want to open up their you know what and we don't merry wives or husbands we are keepers you know somebody to take care of us and we come off of it that way at all it was it was just a real bad marriage and I left this man because

the doctor had told me as I had gone in and my usual with my nose guard black on the plate and a couple of black guys you know and it was it was that kind of America I want you to know that I wasn't drinking too much and the main reason why is that I never had any money because he never brought any home he always drank it all up so unfortunately I didn't get to drink but I left him because I did not want my child and that kind of a drunken

well I love that every time I think about it where are you

but anyway my mother sent me I was in Florida and of course my mother sent me she was out here in California a one way ticket no money just the one right my mom was very smart

anyway I took my baby was not born here and I went back to what I considered my social drinking

well one thing I learned

you don't go to bed with a man first you

and I'm telling you about the time that little child was four years old it had been a long dry summer and I decided about that time she knew the father in law about that same time on that view the full Irish Catholic young man

now we all know that all Irish Catholics around her home there are not enough

you are not the only one that didn't drink I mean well I didn't current

and I was in the throes of alcoholic and he came home one that would be a new year he came home or not he looked down at me hi there I love you very much but he said either you don't have to give up drinking or I'm going to go

well I'll call

and mom and I were back together again

and we were just got home from work or not that's what they

she looked over me she said you know that I think we ought to get a thrill from kind of a business to ensure my daughter

and it's not about the triptych idea to me and I have a love and passion mom have credit right

I like the store

now

yes I said I was in the

I went into the morning

and what was beginning to happen though instead of getting

well with the morning drink I was beginning to get drunk all over again I

I know some of the

right R. E. M. one of the things I'm not feeling well when I was your

you know you know

and young man introduced me to a thing called the barley you people are here now what are your

your clothes are you sure you know this guy was in Calgary where barley

you know I got my booze in the bottom screen time good morning very much a lot about

the morning it was sort of weird into the day you look like

good I gotta tell you

you know but it worked and it was the only consistent brand that I had going in my life at that time I mean jobs were coming and going three for coming and going thank you for coming and going alcohol with it works for me so I didn't

and the

what about a year later on again some of the funniest gives you everything you are I was crying wondering you didn't even know I was crying but you see I always

and also I got to tell you that girl comes over

I have always been the motor and then hit clear

you're in pain will motivate me into taking some kind of an action right wrong or indifferent I will not

and we're not

walked in and looked in the mirror and

I want to

well look in the mirror and I thought my gosh you know it really scared me that I want

and that was you know when I walked into the bar

down there you know in the water just because you know when I when I when you got your we're going to work got home that afternoon went to walk into the living room into the house and all that

thirty Johnson and the next thing I knew my whole body was working in a job and and the living daylights out of me you know and I knew what I needed you know was there but it was it back into the house back in the bar there you're in the right direction and just why don't you come and

and when we get our drinking and and I'm not going to top off the bottle current poured into the glass

I

you know what in the world to do because I knew I had to get this

get

whatever it was and I looked down in our campaign

by one of the workers regulars and it was a huge round top

finally got poured in that it was getting on the coffee table I got down on one knee you know and I started working there and my body began to calm down and then there

calm down and stop shaking you know and I finally was able to force on the ground about half an hour or so and and you know I got more of a down the you know and I thought what was

but I really need to get you started for you know and learn about it because

that took care of anything that was the matter with me those

now

I'll come home a couple days later from work

go to sleep take a little nap before dinner time and the next thing I knew I woke up I was on the floor

it's all in my hair I was not really a pretty

hi I started out

in the end up at one

but anyway I was very clear where this was not the first time something like this happen to me I was

just absolutely thrilled with their and I went into the bargain there are a couple of ground me and I was scared to death you know when a poor couple more down and it wasn't working for me it wasn't taken away the fear and the pain that I can't talk call the doctor and he said don't try to go out

get over here immediately and I think that and what happened was that they sent me through all kinds of stuff in the land Dr thing that day was down in the

okay after

and he informed me that I was having epileptic seizures

and we're talking

alcoholic

you know

what

and and then I would be in the midst of a nervous breakdown and that's how I got out UCLA and in the end he acted out there that's not for drinking I don't know what they haven't been there yet but I think you're great I know some have you been there

in there you know getting cured from my apple I think because it was the main thing I wasn't drinking and there you're not only have the one or two more after I got there and so they figured they would need you know and that anyway all

we are going out on one of these little guys like John Kerry he's been on and off it was more efficient and they were serving aboard the boat and I think on the other patients and although I knew it was against real soccer you know they can get by with that I could

you

by the time we got back to the hospital they're not I'm not drunk and they kept me down below and Britney and wasted a little bit of time trying to open up enough to get me back on the board and they determined that me up there and we have the new patient up there on the ward

he was being treated for something I've never heard of before anyway he followed me into my room and he looked over

thank you

well not here no I have never been someone no one's certain terms that she needs

my daughter

you know

you know what it is called

in about dean and I can I don't know what you think about that you just look at me and he shook his head

if you can just learn to cope with your problems you know and three hours well hell I had been you know until they got me in there where I could get

it was it was my way

the problem

anyone

they had recommended that I'm going to grab it thank you

here you know when I was released from there and

you know he was the Boston released great I didn't have any problems discounted right so I'll continue to drink another two and half years now

homes that are still in

and we're

and I remember I was in the band my daughter was away for the weekend

and I was waiting for my then husband come home from work when he was about four five hours lately girls you know where you guys are when you're coming home here for five hours late surely you don't

are the ones who understand them

don't laugh honey because some of us were the ones who understood that

yeah

what

I had waited longer but could not have a drink you know how we are going to have one or two

your hours later he came home from work and he walked over he looked down at me when you're drunk and I'm not going to take you anywhere and with that he went off into the bedroom and

not myself another drink and I walked up into the kitchen from the dining room and I looked out the window in our kitchen window three and out in our driveway there was two brand new cars

and I walk through my home and it was a brand new home with that on the newly decorated loans over and everything else

you know it was kind of a home that he opened up the book of the better homes and gardens you to clean one similar to it in that

and I walked on out in the backyard it was beautifully landscaped and well manicured you know it was kind of our yard that belonged in the home that belonged in the book the better homes and gardens and if you

we were there that's what we presented to the world out there that belongs in that yard that belonged to a member of the better homes and gardens you know I remember

at night and I looked up and I cried out why god why now when I got everything that I have always wanted all of my

why do I want to die

you know I couldn't

what good is all you've got all those material things when there is no shortage

then I'll call had taken all the joy out of my life

taking me into a living hell

four and No Way Out No Way Out of it all

I think something like that when he said the man who gave the world and then loses

and that's what happened to me and I'm not going back down to the down that night and I fixed myself another drink in the fact that they were not drink in my hand for the first time since I was thirteen years old I'm

that wasn't the only the brand the job the husbands or any of those are the things that I had always blamed my trouble it was right there in that glass it was that that I was going

you think after all that time that I would have recognized it before then but I didn't that very moment

when I knew it was the alcohol that

I knew if I quit drinking I was gonna die

well I kept wondering

so what do you do when you can't drink anymore and

you know

I knew the only thing to do was to kill myself and that's what I did all three and a half days later

I woke up here looking

you know normal stuff

and I had got my nose my throat both arms and both

your record the first question we ask when we come to you

you know

there was a policeman standing over in the door where he hollered over to me he must've heard Marlon in the third year in county General Hospital and my next question was how did I get here you know it's a long way

we have not we have medical insurance and he walked over he looked down at the most disgusted look on his face I'll never forget the look on his face

anything relating to committing suicide is against the law

well now I didn't know that I'm not not a governor you know

there's another member of

tell us down in that area he's just on the appellate court today and he came over to me one time after I had given the topic that you gave a wonderful talk but he said you made one little mistake I'd like right he said the

committing suicide or attempted suicide is he

the card is not against the law

the law well not you know that made more sense really you know when I got thinking about it

anyway it was a little confusing to me but my contract that I had been going to

we're the ones they put you on hold looking

when you do things like that and why he had sent word to my doctor there the things that was released in March can you hear me he did not want me to go home he wanted to come directly to his office on really and which I did and when I got there you know are you certainly something I'll never forget he said therefore you need help and you need it desperately and he said I can't help you

here is the number of Alcoholics Anonymous will you call

well I already knew it wasn't going to work because Lenore had told me that she had

three times and you could bring Lenovo are you it didn't work

you know and I thought I had yeah I never voiced my thought

I was a little bit angry you know because I was thinking you know I've been coming here for almost three and a half years at sixty dollars a plaque at sometimes three times a week I have almost drink myself to death during your kill myself and you've got the nerve to stand there and tell me you can't help me you know I was a little

I went home and I made that call

now I was very grateful that whoever answered the phone and I don't know to this day he didn't ask me about working out how I don't know what what what

and certainly very she said are you having a problem

how

and I would like

what are you drinking right now and I looked around I didn't see anything close enough to know I don't think so not right

can you hold off for a little while

I thought about that well he'll make it quick

I was really

and

I could hardly wait for whoever worked it was gonna come get there because I want to tell them all about that guy was married to you know and then I knew they'd understand why drink

well I was you know these two women came to my door they came and they and they were there for almost two hours I never got anything while they were there every time I start telling about meeting

welcome to each other about them

you talk about this in

wait the lady over to the door thank you

and they said oh by the way

we want you to be dressed and ready to go at eight o'clock we're gonna take you to every every

thank

and we went from now on I'm going to talk about a book called out this is a book written by alcoholic alcoholic about alcoholism your

that we have found

our

which we can all join in and brotherly and harmonious action

if you are an alcoholic alcoholics

now

first thing I heard when I got a meeting with the store I don't know what they were but I got one you know and he was one of those kind of bond that also

I'm

he was

you do not

and the next thing I know I heard was the bomb so I think it's you know I did whatever I

I didn't

right in the middle of the call in the living room

right

thank god

well when I went morning

please come home and read on I did I brought it home and I placed an all rounder

not got

on the on

when I went more than I got more

not

well

you know

my doctor called me up one very interested very I'm coming over to T. now where he was coming

exactly what because she got me in a meeting one time and she's not there bomber

following you

you've given your name and your

and you down and shut up that's all you know

thank you

yeah you know anyway you know working properly

right

from the coffee table for a magical place she looked over it and she looked down at me and she looked back over two weeks after that

the downturn well that nobody can read what started

you know I've got a couple of people who don't want to get rid of one I mean I was talking with somebody the other night about this person and I won't mention plans

but with you you know how you are when you knew and speakers get up like I'm doing that you know I got I looked like he was some kind of a god you know any and all of them not just

they had all the answers you know and they were saying they were

you know

right you got up to the podium are not you know high crosses those arms and let out you know and

you can work program anyway you want to

well now in reading this book I don't know what book he was reading but that's not what not

you know and and I went back and I looked it up when I got home and you're not

rarely have we seen a person who has

followed our

there is no comparison that lead me to believe there's only one program to

well

what

you know what I don't know

you know I don't know the language around here anyway I call my aunt the reason I called it I knew I was going

I don't know what I was supposed to be doing

I was

the list

thank you

which was you know good for her

great

you can do that to you when you were just

you know

I'm not

I know people not use bad language you know that response well in the example of the new people but I didn't when I can hear you people

you know

think of what

and anyway all I'm learning

being here

for me anyway

the new year I want to tell you if you've got a

to read the book I want to tell you why

they don't know where

mark they are anyway

think about that read the book

tell you what I found in your

our argument

firing power greater than ourselves is exactly what

not talking background I know you didn't hear me and I know that there's a lot of people that didn't want

so what

I'm going to be

nearly everything

we have

our

a lot of our argument

thank you for greater than ours that will solve the problem is exactly what this is all about not using words like exactly

absolutely

it even goes on to say give clear cut directions I mean that doesn't leave any room for the third imagination announced he'd run around and I mean it's not you're not bother you know what

I'm glad no you don't know

anyway

I started going through this book

now

you know one of the things that mark Parker told me

I don't know where I'm supposed

when I get to the end I did get

right you know one of the things that she told me when I was

I want you to go to a woman that

a woman

you mean one of those PTA meetings with those gossip and backstabbing ****

yeah I got

he said yeah

did you aren't going well known even if I went

when I went into that

meeting with those often that

sure enough I found some of

but you know what else background in those

I found very warm wonderful women who literally saved my life

literally my life now

your

they can help you with your spiritual program

I would think your news that you wait for a while before you let them help you with your spiritual program and get a good

program because believe me honey you don't need

well I remember you know all right she was so hard with me

yeah you know but I remember one time when we were at one of these women had meetings this year after the meeting was over she always had a little arms around her and I was one of them and we were there to

what we've been going on at the meeting that we're not

I think

that what I did I think I'd written we get going again

she looked over at me and she said let me tell you something honey she said if you decide to drink again he said I want you to know I'm not responsible for that

I thought about it

okay I'll accept them

and then I was looking at a few more words were there and I don't remember exactly what conversation mark anyway he got from the table real quick she's parting red meat and she thought she heard across the floor and he turned around and she came back and picked up my book

the book with me

and she looked down at me and said are responsible she said by the way she cannot remember your suicidal and he said I want you to know if you decide to get drunk I'm not responsible for that either and I'm responsible for it in your mouth I mean they got to be good for

you know and that was when she looked down at me

right in my face

you run across the bridge of the nose thank you really didn't need to do that you know that I'm responsible for helping you learn what's in this book and how to apply a lot

that's what I'm responsible for a boxer well I didn't have any argument after we went through that with my nose Martin and I didn't know what else you might do so I just

get my mouse point

but anyway you know

he had also told me she

I don't want to make any major decisions

she said

I want to get a good firm foundation of this program and I don't want to emotionally involved now we're not working in the program you're mostly involved her different connotation than

all emotionally involved

because we always get all of our own

one dollar a lot of times

people especially people that were here on the program that we're also making twelve airport to the drums that were out there they get all involved with them and and the drop would go get drunk in the in the over member of any would go get drunk you know so either that or something would happen so they were telling us not to get emotionally involved with the new Congress

all

anyway

the moment he said by the way he said there's a club out here in the valley

and she said to call

and he said I don't want you going around there because there's a bunch of dirty old men helping women with their spiritual progress

god I'm glad you're there

well you know I'm working here and somebody has been here for a little while and we've gotten boxers I know some of you guys being here or not here we got a clean record who's out

okay I know we got

one of the first things they tell you new cover man if you stay away from the women for a while because behind every

right twenty first thank you

I don't get over there in Iraq because behind every sliver there's a separate

lord lord

when I got back here

and all you know all

one of the things that I begin here what's the word

the words values

the word mall

so I had to learn what does work hand and I'm not very good at English so I had to look things up in the dictionary because my sponsor told me she said don't assume the meanings of words she said look them up find out what they mean to you in contact with this book in context with this book so I began to look up words

now

being an alcoholic I found that I really don't do things right or wrong necessarily what I do is backwards just absolutely backwards from the so called normal people wherever they are and all anyway what I found out was that I would get a feeling from something somebody had said or done

and from that feeling I would react to it maybe a couple weeks later I think about it you know normal people they think first then they taken action by taking action and from that action they get a feeling

because the feelings are usually god were bad feelings and I would react to the

and when I learned how to stop and think

you know then I took an action and usually with the positive action and then usually ended up with a real good thing with a real good feeling anyway I'm going to start out that way did not I'm going to start backwards right I'm going to start I have got well yeah may never

anyway I will start with a twelve step it having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps we try to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles and all of our favorite

well

Hey what a principle is to me a principle is the action that I take on a daily basis it's the way I live my life on a daily basis yeah and I remember people saying you know these are the three essentials this is how the program works

and I thought what are the essentials and what is how this program works

I got back into the first half I started with that one and in the first step it says you know that I'm powerless over alcohol that molasses is become unmanageable my life became unmanageable because the drive to them you know I don't believe that my life is a manageable today

my life was unmanageable because I drank I think so I can't use the cop out well I'm drunk so therefore I didn't know what I was doing you know and I didn't really need it you know but today I hear so many people and I say well I'm an alcoholic and I've got a disease so therefore you should excuse me you know when I kill somebody or rob the body or hurt your feelings or anything else I don't believe in that you know I really don't believe in it besides you know anyway going from there I was an alcoholic I was powerless over alcohol molasses and manageable the minute I would honestly able to admit that I was an alcoholic and powerless over that my life has become unmanageable because of it they're somehow came a strength in me that I had never had before when it came to alcohol and I was able to put the alcohol thought

so I had to learn the principle of honesty

except where it says you know we came to believe that he could restore us to sanity

my husband had said I hadn't gotten there yet but he said he had hoped for me so you know I keep on trying but anyway in that step is that we don't have to buy it all right now all we have to do is just keep an open

asking us to do

now I began to hear the word

the original

hello hello Lori here we go we're into religion and here and I knew religion was not going to work there was too many Catholic priests in there too many little money but he's running around you know and men from the other clock and I knew religion wasn't going to work inside that I tried it I had tried every trick I could think of and it didn't work for me

but you say again I went back to my dictionary and I looked up the word spiritual

and what I found for me that worked for me was real sample it says being spiritual is simply an elevation of thought and feeling

what god has a kind of a drunken woman I was when I got here you people and when I set aside the Jews automatically

have a spiritual awakening you know and had an elevation of thought and feeling so now I've got

honesty and open minded I've got two new principles to new values in my life that I didn't have there before because of my drinking and then I went into the third step now the first two steps are booked as at the cornerstone which is the very basis the very foundation of our program and that's what I want to newcomers to get before you get spiritual help

anyway I went into my third step in in that third step you know when I made that decision to turn my life in the well over you know it said that in there yeah yes where we walk through the archway of freedom freedom from the bondage of self

one of the first things that we have to do is to realize

that I cannot run the show anymore I cannot run the show anymore I have now got a new boss if you will a new director and when I do or if I do his will then I found that he provides everything and they just everything I need all I have to do is to try to bring mom well into alignment with his

it's really simple

so hard to do you know because I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it right and if I try to think of what he would want me to do I can't do what I wanted to win I want to do it most of the time

I'm going to get well I really am maybe next year