"Sober & Free" gay/lesbian conference in San Jose, CA

Tuesday night Al Anon meeting after the conference a couple of years ago. And I thought, well, God, we've got a gay and lesbian meeting again. I need to go help support that meeting. And Sue was there. She was the one that helped get it started, restarted.

And she was new to the program. I've gotten to see her come in very quiet and sit and not speak unless called on. I know some of you are laughing. However, in the meeting, she was that way. And it's been wonderful to watch her grow in recovery and blossom and to become one of the strong carriers of the message in our meeting when it came to selecting our speakers and our meeting worked as a team to support the conference and select the speakers and it was unanimous for Sue.

So, I am very pleased and I'm very proud to introduce Sue See from San Jose. Oh, gosh. Good afternoon. I'm Sue, grateful member of Al Anon. Hi, Sue.

And if anybody had told me that I would be up here, like even 6 months ago, I would have thought you were all crazy. But now I know you're all crazy. So and I am here. And of course, in the time since this kind of came to and I've made about a 1000000 notes, I've done this 150 times at least in my head, and it was wonderful. I'm sorry you all couldn't have been there with me because then I probably wouldn't be here right now.

And I'm sure that I'll forget 99% of what I wanted to say. And so I know that if one person in the room today hears something that they need to hear, then I will have been a service. And I think I'll start off with a little joke. Is Tom here, Tom Key? Everybody, quite a few people yesterday asked me what an Al Anon slip is.

And Tom told me that an Al Anon slip is finance of compassion. I know there are quite quite a few jokes that go around the AA meeting, so I just thought I'd help you all with that. Actually, one of one of the tools thank you, Kristen. I asked Kristen to bring some Kleenex because I thought this might get emotional before it gets finished. I'd be shocked if it didn't.

One of the the tools that I use is a prayer, that was said by Michael Judge. And he was the Franciscan Friar who was killed in the 911 attack. And his daily prayer was, God, take me where you want me to go today. Let me meet who you want me to meet. Tell me what you want me to say and keep me out of your way.

And I think that there are many times I'm sure that that's God's biggest duty of the day is to keep me out of the way. So hopefully he's up to the task today and I can my ego can step aside and you'll hear something that he's got to say. No. Okay. Calm down here.

Yesterday morning, I got here early to help set up because I knew I had to leave for a little while in the afternoon and kind of a really funny thing happened. Kristen came flying out of this room to the front lobby and she said, Sue, you've got to come in here and tell me what to do. And I thought I said, here's an alcoholic telling an Al Anon to go and tell her what to do. And I said I was indeed not at the Hilton, but I had died and gone to heaven. So I'm going to keep her around because it really helps me a lot.

So all I can really do today is just share a little bit of what it was like and what happened and what it's like today. And who knows where it'll go. My main goal today is to be in service to God and to my community and to this program and to the other people that are in this program. And that comes from the gift that Al Anon has given me and that's the contact with my higher power. The word God will probably be used quite a few times in my little bit of time here.

And if anybody had told me that a short time ago, I would have been shocked at that too. That was the G word. I couldn't say it. It was way too hard. Get kind of one of those things in my throat at the time.

And I used to when I first started out, the people in the meetings that would use that word a lot, I'd kind of make a mental note to not hug them at the end of the meeting because I didn't want that to rub off. I didn't really have, I didn't have the real horrors of religion at an early age that a lot of people share, but I just it just was not of use. Organized religion was really not of any use to me. I didn't couldn't get my hands around it. There wasn't anything for me.

And what I found in the program is a spiritual program based on a God of my understanding. If there's anybody out there that has a hard time with that, please stay. There's a saying that one of the folks shares in our meeting that I'd like to share that if you have a hard time with that, just suspend your disbelief long enough to listen and add yourself if there might be a different way to do things. If you need that disbelief back, you can grab it anytime you need it, put it up on a little shelf, take it when you need it, but suspend it long enough just to see whether there might be a different way. So a little bit about what qualifies me to be here.

Actually, all of you qualify me to be here, but I I grew up in a house with no active alcoholism. I don't know that there was really any in my family, but I grew up in a house where we didn't talk about how we felt. You didn't share that at all with somebody. How are you? It means do you have a headache?

Do you have a cold? Did you stub your toe? And so I never learned to for 1, I didn't learn to talk about how I felt. I certainly didn't even learn to know how I felt. I didn't know what that meant.

And the other things that we had going on in the house is that of course we had to look good to everybody else and things had to be done pretty perfectly. So that's what I tend to adult life. That was how I I learned to do relationships and I looked for people that that fit those relationships. I guess I sought out people that would do relationship on that same level. And I found them.

It was pretty easy to do. I understand I'm not the only person that grew up in a house like that and went into adulthood thinking that that's how you did relations. So I had some early on relationships with people who could qualify for this program. Certainly, I would say the first active, although I can't say that person is an alcoholic, but they certainly had a lot of alcoholic like tendencies was probably 20 years ago now, a woman who was eating quite heavily and drinking quite heavily. And while we were in relationship, she was pregnant.

She had a child and at 13 weeks of age, that child passed away. And I would say that was it from a direct result of abuse of alcohol and drugs. And what happened at that time, being the good Al Anon that I am, I stepped up. I made all the arrangements. I handled the whole situation and I didn't shed a tear.

And anybody that knows me now probably finds that really hard to believe. But there wasn't I just didn't. However, about 3 months after the dust settled and life started moving on, I sat down in the middle of the living room and had a complete breakdown and I cried way beyond any tears. There just there was nothing there. And what I knew at that point in time, absolutely knew in my heart is that there could not be a god, that no god could allow this sort of thing to happen.

What I knew then and what I know now fortunately are very different. So I went on from that relationship or that relationship actually continued on for a while. The drinking continued, the using continued and the violence stepped up to another level. Any sane person, any healthy person would have gotten out of that. I did not, not being sane or healthy.

However, God did for me what I couldn't do for myself and that person ended up moving out of state, which is probably good because I would think I might not be here today had that not happened. Okay. So life goes on. I have a few relationships and then I meet my first recovering alcoholic. The really good news is that that's where I got the introduction to AA.

It was a person who worked this program to the best of her ability and to the level that she was able to and the level that she needed. We were together for almost 7 years. She was just shy of picking up her 9 year chip when she was killed by a drunk driver. She had said entire all the way through her recovery, the reason she quit drinking and quit using was because she knew that drinking and using would kill her. What she didn't know was that it would just be somebody else's drinking and using.

What I knew and even deeper level at that point in time was number 1, I was all alone. And that there absolutely could be a God again. Just kind of cemented that at a little bit deeper level. Of course, what I know now again is that, and there's a there's a piece of literature that I love. I won't read it.

It's not conference approved. But it talks about a conversation between man and God at the end of man's life. And he says, why do I look back at certain tough times in my life and there's only one set of footprints in the sand? And why did you leave me at those why did you desert me at those difficult times? And God says, son, I didn't desert you at those times.

That's when I carried you. What I know today is that those times when I felt like I was on autopilot was when God was carrying me. I'm sure there are other times I could probably look back and and and see several of them, but those 2 I could not have gotten through on my own. Absolutely could not have. Things happened.

Things got handled. In a situation like that, I mean, I I had no idea what to do. Total stranger stepped up and kind of directed me through the things that needed to be done. And I know that they were doing that at the direction of God. Things got done.

Life moved on and one of the first blessings of the program was given to me when regards direction the partner who I currently have came a step closer into my life. Some of you that know us kind of know how we got together and I don't need to go into that because most of it's her story and I probably shouldn't tell that from up here. But it has been a blessing and what I saw was, I saw the program of Alcoholics Anonymous helping her get through life on a level of serenity that that I didn't have in my life. And that was kind of how I found my way in here. We were blessed to have dinner the other night with Sherry R when we picked her up from the airport.

And she asked me how I'd gotten into Al Anon. And I said, well, actually I was working the AA literature table at the conference one time, which was true. I'd gone to a conference with my partner and I was standing next to the AA table and whoever was working it wanted to go to a workshop and asked if I'd cover the table. So I did. So I guess that was a pretty major Allen on slip and was a good way for me to get into program.

And that was when the Tuesday night meeting got started and that is my home group and has been my home group ever since. I'm kind of deciding where we're going to go from here with this. What I what I know today, the gifts that this program gives me, the connection with God that I have is what allows me to go through the day on with a level of serenity that that I never could have imagined. We close our meeting with the unity prayer and it talks about having things beyond our wildest dreams. And that is the the life I have today.

The people I have today around me are way beyond what I ever could have imagined. A friend emailed the other day and we were just we email a lot back and forth and she said that she was grateful to be on my retrieval team. I had kind of thanked her for helping me out of yet another little emotional downtime. And that's what I have today is I have a retrieval team. I have people from out of town who will come here to support me on a day like this.

I have people I know a great number of you in the room, not all in this program, but across program lines. I have a support team that when I have a problem and my partner might not be available because of being out of town, I have people who cross program lines, and offer to help and offer to be there for me. One of the the many many gifts of the program. There are angels in my life today, and we all have them. And sometimes you can you can recognize, you can, you know, who they are.

Sometimes they're a little bit more in disguise, but they're here and they're of support. And what I have to remember is that those angels also have a very human side And I forget that sometimes. I forget that they're strong and that I feel that, you know, they don't need my support, but they are human and they do. And if you've got people like that and you forget that they're human, invite them over for Super Bowl Sunday. And if a call goes the wrong way, if a call goes in the wrong way, you'll see their very human side.

But I'm I'm absolutely grateful for them. They're blessings they're blessings in my life and and of the all of the things I have in my life, I can say, or at least my my being able to recognize them are from the program of Al Anon. What it's done for me is it's it's helped me to look at my side of the relationship to be honest and present and real in that relationship. Fairly recently, I hit what I would consider at least to date to be my Allen on bottom. And it wasn't early on in the program.

It was a few months ago. I'm going to backtrack just a minute. About a year ago, I met through kind of coincidence, the woman who Alan on speaker last year here. We became kind of email friends in the process of her preparing to come here to talk to us. She's become kind of my Alan on mentor.

She's a person who lives this program day to day in her life. And she's been become a very important part of my life and a great role model for me to follow. And a few months ago, both she and my partner and within about a 24 hour period told me that they weren't sure that they could be a part of my life anymore. And that was because I was not being real. I was not being present.

I was not sharing from my heart and being honest. And what I realized was that I was risking losing the most important people in my life. What the program gave me is the tools to find my way out of that place. It gave me people who are willing to jump in the hole with me because they've been there before and they knew that. And it gave me a whole new I guess a whole new level of being in relationship with people.

I know that if I'm not willing to be real and to be honest and I can very easily give. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm in this program. One to give. That's maybe my next tattoo.

I don't know. Maybe a little open hand, you know. So that that part is easy for me. It's the reaching out and the asking for help, and the being honest when I do that. Unfortunately, I have some people in my life today that pardon my language, but they call me on my shit.

They don't let me get away with this stuff And they're there for me to move through my life and to grow and to deepen relationships. And I'm learning what it means to be friends. And I'm learning what it means to be in relationship it is it is beyond my wildest dreams. I could never I just could never have imagined the life I have today and the and the friends that I have today. And I could never have imagined standing up here in front of anybody and doing this.

I was thinking the other day I really enjoy putting together jigsaw puzzles and looking at how we deal with life one day at a time kind of drew those 2 together and it's like I'm going to round up if there's any accounting people in the room, don't do the math on this. And I am rounding up. But if my life were like a jigsaw puzzle and each day were one piece of the puzzle, I would be at about a 20,000 piece puzzle at this point in time. And what's interesting is you can take one piece out of there and it doesn't really mean anything. And and you may pick up a piece that's bright red and orange and that could be that could be from pain, that could be from hurt.

We don't know that until we fit in with the whole picture. It could also be a part of a beautiful sunrise. And that I have to remind myself of is that that each day, what I need to deal with is what I have today. And I don't know the whole picture. God has the whole picture.

I don't have the box with the picture of the jigsaw puzzle on it. God has that and it's and it's ever changing. But I have to trust that he has that. And he has a much wiser vision for what is out there ahead of me than what I have. So I need to be here.

I need to be here each day and be honest and open and willing to risk, willing to share, willing to ask for help when I need it. And that's my part in it. I don't need to worry about what's gonna happen tomorrow, where it's gonna go, who's in my life, what if this and what if that. I used to spend my whole entire life doing that. And somebody asked me yesterday about we were comparing programs and disease.

We do that a lot, disease comparison. And a person asked me whether people die of this disease. People obviously die of alcoholism. They wrap themselves around a tree, their liver fails, the things happen. People die of alanonism also.

It's just a much usually a much quieter disease. We oftentimes don't realize that's what it is, but it happens. And if I don't do the day to day work, that's the choice I have. That's the direction I'll go. I have a program here to learn to do life differently.

I have the people around me for the support that I need. I just have to do the day one day at a time footwork. I have to keep a a constant contact with God. And if I feel distant from God, I heard that he say once, guess who moved away? You know, God didn't move away.

If I'm not close, then then it's me that that needs to get back on track. Oh, I had a couple other thoughts and they just bounced off the other side of my head. I really guess I can't stress enough what this program has done for me and what it's done. The number one that it's done is it's given me a connection to a higher power, a God of my understanding who I didn't know, didn't know was there and I'm not sure that I ever would have found. The gifts of the program are tremendous.

I heard somebody say in a program once that they thanked God for Al Anon, but they also thanked Al Anon for God because that connection just would not have been there. Today I'm just surrounded by blessings that are incredible. But I've got to be prepared to do the footwork. And what one of the things that this program has helped me with is to take a look at my part of the situation. Of course, it was always your stuff before.

I actually have a part in it, I have to admit. And and that's what I have to look at is it was what my part is. I need to be clear about that. And if I've done something wrong, I need to make amends about that. And and to make an amends means to change.

It doesn't mean to say I'm sorry. Sorry, I did that for the 800th time. It means it means I realized I was wrong in doing that and I'm going to do it differently next time. And amend to amend something means to change, to change the way we do things. That's what I'm learning from this program is to look realistically if they say this is my part and this is what I can do to do differently.

I am running out of things to say because of course I've forgotten most of what I was going to say. The gifts of this program, the gratitude I have for this program and for the people in this program and the people the people in my life. I don't want to just limit it to this program because a lot of the people in my life are in that other program. But to me, if if we're working on a way of making our lives better and it's based on a belief in higher power and a willingness to let go and trust, that's that's what it's all about. And I don't care what the name of the ism is on the door.

So I'm going to go ahead and wrap up. Actually, I'd like to thank everybody for spending a little bit of time here. I'd like to thank the people that put the conference together. You guys did a great job. I actually didn't think I would say this, but I do want to thank my sponsor and his sponsor for asking me to do this.

The day I got the email from him, I was kind of nauseous. And then I went to the committee meeting and found out that I only had a half an hour. And I thought, what is that all about? Obviously, it's a good thing because I think I'm on about 26 minutes and and, I've probably said, oh, I'm about 800 times already. So I'm very, very grateful.

Thank you all for being here and thanks to the committee.