Judy C. from Roseville, CA speaking at

A woman who I had I entered I actually met her this afternoon up in Sacramento. And I had to begin with offering an amends to her. The program states that she is from Groveland. And I asked her if she would mind moving to Groveland so that the program wouldn't be wrong. But she is from Sacramento.

Totally, totally my air on that part. We listened to some speaker tapes and we were all very excited about offering the service position to her and very excited that she accepted the position. And then we gave her directions to get here and got her lost. So not only am I grateful that she was willing to accept our offer to come and speak with us, but I'm very happy she was just able to find the hotel. So I turn it now over to Judy See from Sacramento.

Thank you. Actually, I'm from Roseville. Well, hi everybody. I'm Judy and I'm a grateful member of Al Anon. And I'd like to start off by thanking the organizers of this event.

It is a huge deal to organize any event. And I know how much time and effort and patience and prayer and love and compassion it has required for you all to do this. So thank you, organizers and thank you for inviting me here. It's a privilege to be here. Well, I went to an Al Anon meeting the other night and for the first time I heard about the 4Ms of Al Anon and this was new for me.

I have never heard this before. These are the 4Ms of Al Anon. Managing, some of you might find these familiar, manipulating, mothering and martyrdom. Now, I have to be truthful from the very start in my share. So the first thing I want to say is that, I am and my partner will attest to this, an Al Anon Princess.

So I am very long on managing and manipulating and kind of short on mothering and martyrdom. And the reason why I want to talk the reason why I really perked up my ears about those 4Ms as they relate to really what I want to share with you tonight about my experience. Because manipulating and managing are the opposite of letting go absolutely, which is a wonderful phrase from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It says in how it works. And so I go to a lot of AA meetings with my partner and so I get to hear this a lot.

And for years this part of it just sort of flew by, I didn't pay much attention. But lately, every time someone reads how it works, I hear this sentence. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. Now this word is very disturbing to an Al Anon, this absolute word. And actually it goes on and how it works.

And it says, we asked his protection and care with complete abandon. So here are these words, let go absolutely and complete abandon. These are very difficult and dangerous words for an Al Anon. So before I go into this a little more, let me just qualify myself a little bit and tell you a little bit about myself. So I know that Al Anon is a family disease and I know it's an extended family disease, because in my immediate family, we we didn't have any alcoholics and didn't have any recognizable alanance.

But I had an uncle that died of the disease. And I had an aunt who was absolutely black belt non recovering Al Anon who married was married to an alcoholic who died of the disease. So although it wasn't right nearby immediately in my family, it was very close all around me. And but of course, I'd never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous or Al Anon or any of that until I was about 40. When after about a year of coming out here on business, I lived in New Hampshire.

I developed a friendship with a woman who was a recovering alcoholic. And much to my complete surprise, I fell in love with her and left my marriage and my 2 kids in New Hampshire and drove all the way across the country to be with her. And we arrived in Sacramento on a Friday night, or maybe it was a Thursday night, I'm not sure, but we went to North Hall that next night, Friday night, my first AA meeting. And I was a little stunned, but I was grateful that I was a quiet Al Anon. So I didn't have to say anything.

And I went to AA meetings with my partner for about 3 months. And then one night we went out for coffee with a good friend of hers named Dean. And Dean D looked at me during the coffee period and he said, so Judy, so have you started going to Al Anon yet? And I looked at him, I said, well, no, why should I go to Al Anon? And he says, well, you live with an alcoholic.

And I said, oh, but she's a recovering alcoholic, she's a recovering alcoholic, she doesn't drink. And he just laughed, he started laughing. And he just laughed and laughed and laughed. So I was incensed the whole way home that night. Pat was driving and I was saying, well, who in the world does he think he is?

And why should I have to put her now on reading blah, blah, blah, blah, blah on and on and on. Full of self righteous indignation. And we got home that night, we got in bed, turned out the lights. I lay there for a few minutes and I burst into tears. And she said, well, what's wrong?

And I said, I realized that I picked, I left my marriage, I left my kids, I drove all the way across the country to live with someone that I picked who is an alcoholic. And that was just a huge breakthrough for me. And a little while later, a month or so later, I finally got myself to a meeting. And I hid out in some straight meetings for a while. But finally, I got myself to living sober.

That was the first living sober I ever went to. And I went to a workshop where Joanne Al was talking and I totally identified with her and that was the beginning of my life in Al Anon. And so this year, this coming Living Sober, which I use as my anniversary date, I'll have 14 years in the program. So I'm really grateful that I found the Al Anon program. So back to the 4Ms or the 2Ms as it is for me, managing and manipulating and the opposite of letting go absolutely.

Now, I actually picked this as a topic at an Al Anon meeting recently to see how it would go over and it was amazing what came up. Okay. So here's what I heard for letting go absolutely, letting go periodically, letting go tentatively, letting go reluctantly, letting go desperately, letting go every now and then, letting go partially and almost never letting go. So this was a source of great, I want to contemplate this. Okay.

So letting go absolutely. What does this mean to me? Well, it's a scary concept because first, I had to think about before I could even approach this word absolutely, I had to think about what it was I was really letting go of. And this is very confusing for an Al Anon for this Al Anon because when I came to the program, I wasn't even sure who I was bringing in the room. I mean, I wasn't even sure that I was that there was anything of me to hold on to.

And so after a lot of thinking about it, I decided that the most important thing oh, I know I forgot to say something. Wisdom is often someone told me this once, wisdom is often knowing what to hold on to and what to let go of. And in Al Anon I let go of so much, I let go of myself. I let go of my wants. I let go of my desires.

So the idea of letting go, what to let go was pretty confusing to me. Finally, after a lot of thought, I got clear that the thing that I have to hold on to is me. And for me that's the idea that I'm real, that I exist, that I'm actually substantive, not what somebody else thinks of me, that I really exist, that I'm real, that I'm good, that I have a truth. It may not be your truth, but it's my truth. I have a truth.

And that I am a loving and compassionate person towards myself and towards other people. And that's what I really need to hold on to is this awareness of me as real, as good, as having my own truth as being loving and compassionate. And so if that's what I want to hold on to then what is it that I let go of? And I know everyone in this room can answer this question. It's my expectations.

In particular, it's my way. It's my pride. The concepts that I have of doing things the right way. I just really am the kind of a person who knows that there is a right way to load a dishwasher. And there is a right way to make a bed.

And there are many times when I have reloaded the dishwasher and remade the bed. So I have a lot of concept. And the other thing that I know I need to let go of is my fear. When I came into the program, I was so frightened of everything. I remember after my 3rd meeting, I went up to someone, a woman who I felt had some experience in Al Anon just by listening in the meeting and the tears were rolling down my face.

And all I could get out of my mouth was I'm so afraid. And it was so sweet. She just simply was not overwhelmed by me. She just sort of patted me on the back and gave me a hug and said, keep coming back. It was just the best thing anybody could have said to me.

But after 14 years in the program, I've kind of boiled down all the fears that I have into sort of one thing. What I'm really afraid of is not getting what I need. And mostly that's love and acceptance, unconditional love and self acceptance, accepting myself. That's what I need. And whenever I'm afraid, I think it's really when you get right down to it, it's because I'm not going to get what I need.

And therefore I have to manipulate and manage so that I can be sure that I will get it. So all of this is very heavy and blah, blah. Let's just let me tell you a story about how it works for me. And this is very recent story. The other night, my partner and I were had some visitors at our house and they picked out a movie to watch on the VCR.

And it was Emma, which is kind of a costume Pride and Prejudice kind of a movie, just the perfect movie for me. I love these kinds of movies. But Pat, my partner, she just hates them. She like I read Jane Austen, she reads John Grisham. So and Tom Clancy and I don't know who else.

Anyway, so as soon as that movie was picked, I knew it was I knew there was no way she was going to stay up. And sure enough after about 30 minutes of being polite, she got up and she said, good night, everybody and she went to bed. So, I stayed and watched the movie. So, I came upstairs at the end of the movie and I walked into the bedroom and you know, it was dark in the bedroom. And I have trouble, I don't know about you, but I have trouble taking my jewelry off in the dark.

So I just turned on the light. Well, I thought it was like World War II. It was like just grump, grumpiness rising up out of the bed. And of course, I immediately had a 1,000 reasons why it was perfectly fine for me to turn the light on and wake her up. One of which was, of course, that I could not take my jewelry off in the dark.

I mean, give me a break. So then I sat down on the bed kind of rough and took off my shoes. And of course, that elicited more grump rising up out of the bed. But finally, I just I turned off the light. I got undressed, I got in bed.

So you can imagine there is a lot of silence now, right? A lot of silence in the bed. And out of the silence comes my partner's voice and she says to me, you know Judy, you are so rude and selfish. And I thought a minute and I said, you know, you are really right. I am rude and selfish.

And then there was this more silence. And then I was struggling, I was at that perfect Al Anon moment which I know many of you know, which is should I grovel? Should I seek revenge? And of course, if we can figure out which we're really smart. If we can figure out about how to do both at the same time that is the best.

Because then you're groveling but there is this little knife somehow that you're just like sliding in, in the midst of the gravel. So, but on the other hand, you know I just I felt like I couldn't just take it. I didn't want to go I just couldn't do nothing. So after a few moments I took a deep breath and I said well, you're demanding and a pain in the butt to live with. And it's a tribute to our relationship that and our maturity and our working the program that that's where it ended.

That's where it stopped. And there was silence and I rolled over and went to sleep and she went to sleep, I guess, I hope, I don't know. I wasn't paying attention. So the next morning, the sun rose up and I rolled over and I made an amend. And I said, I'm sorry that I disturbed you and I turned the light on and the next time this happens, I will get undressed in the other room.

Now, what does this story tell me about me? It tells me that in 14 years of working the program, there are some things that I've been able to let go of and there are some things that I am still holding on to. So what am I holding on to and what am I letting go of? Well, what I have let go of is this groveling behavior, which used to drive me nuts. I mean, I was so full of inner agitation when she got mad at me because I had no detachment.

And I used to like smile at her and try to make up for it. And it feels like such a freedom, such a release to not have to grovel anymore. I can like just wait for things to settle down and improve on their own even before I rush after. That's great. And the revenge that I took was much milder than my previous experiences with revenge.

I mean, it was really an improvement. And I didn't say it actually very angrily. I just said it in a matter of fact way. And it's kind of like for me at that moment, it was speaking my truth. That was my truth at that moment.

And I spoke it. But what am I holding on to? I'm holding on to my expectations, my way of doing things. And ultimately, I'm holding on to this little bit of fear. And I didn't really even get this until I contemplated until I thought about this event at least 2 or 3 times.

And I suddenly realized why I turned the light on. I turned the light on because I was still angry at her that she wasn't watching the movie that I wanted to watch. Now, this is like really dumb. I mean, I know that she doesn't like those movies. And actually when she got up and left the room, I felt totally accepting of the fact that she left the room, but way deep inside of me, there's this little fear that if she doesn't like what I like, I must be wrong.

And I resent having that feeling that I must be wrong. And so I just had to get back at her just a little bit for not liking the movie that I like. Now, isn't that amazing? After 14 years in the program, after letting go of so much that we can still have these little subtle junk in there that causes us to manipulate the people that we really love. And that's why it's so important to keep coming back because it just it doesn't like go away.

It just gets subtler and subtler and subtler is what happens. So we have to keep looking on it. I have to let go of the notion that and I really want to let go of it absolutely. I'm that at that point that I can change anybody or anything. I don't even think I can change myself anymore.

What I can do is change my attitude or my awareness. So to go back to what I said earlier, if I am I have to let me think about how I want to say this, I hold on to the awareness of who I am as a good person. And what I've discovered is that the more I let go of that, my awareness of me being a good person, more I let go of that, the more I have to hold on to this other junk, this pride, this defensiveness, these concepts, this whatever. And the more I let go of that, the more I hold on to who I am. So, lest you think that I am well and wonderful, let me assure you that I am not.

This past year has been a really difficult time for me. And I want to take a minute and share a little bit about it and be real. In August, my partner's dad fell and broke his hip, had that hip replacement surgery. And we all know what happened in September. On October 18th, my mother died.

She was 87 years old and I was her primary caregiver. And after her death, I spent the next 2 or 3 months being sick most of the time. That was apparently how I was feeling with my grief. I just had a series of like really bad colds and viruses one after the other. And finally, I started to feel better.

And our dog got this really virulent form of cancer. And he is a puppy like he was like 2, 2.5 years old. And we had to put him down after about 3 weeks. So it's been a real dark time for me. A lot of dark things have been happening to me.

And I actually know from talking to a lot of friends that it's been a dark time for many of us, just because of what happened in September. And none of those things could I control, none of them. I had to let go absolutely of how Pat was caregiving her dad, all of her family all around that. I had to let go of my mother, my Doug. I had to let go of these terrible events that have happened to us.

And I can't say that I haven't felt sad and I haven't felt heavy. There are some mornings I remember one of the things identified with Joanne L was she talked about what she was like in the morning. She said there are some Al Anon who wake up in the morning and they say, good morning, how are we this morning, wake up like us, the sun is shining, it's a beautiful day. And as soon as she did that, I thought, God, that is me. And that's because my favorite form of dealing with life is denial, right?

And I'm here to tell you that I do not wake up like that anymore. I do not. It's one of the blessings of the program that I am not in denial and I'm sure my partner thinks it's a great blessing too. So I have actually had some mornings this past 7 or 8 months when I have woken up and I have not felt like getting out of bed. And it literally felt like a heaviness.

It's as though I wake up in the air feels heavy on me. And it's saying to me, just don't get up. I see some heads nodding out there. So I know there are people out here who feel this way. So it's not that I haven't felt that way, but there have been some real changes in my life.

So and the first one is this letting go of denial. The first one is this looking at life the way it is, not the way I expect it to be, the way I wish it were. Life is pretty awesome. That means for me it is full of awe and September 11th was a time of tremendous like awe, just overwhelming awe is how I felt it. But I am not being in denial about that or about the world situation.

The second thing that's really important to me that's a change is that I no longer have the need to fix it. I grew up in a family where somebody, I don't know who it was, gave me the notion that I had the obligation and the power to fix what wasn't working. And it didn't matter whether it was what wasn't working in my house or my school or my community or my world, I was the duly designated fixer. And today, I can look at some pretty awesome things that are happening out there, some pretty horrible things. And I can say today, I do not have to fix this.

This is happening. It's real. But I do not have to fix it. Now that may not sound like much, but for me that's a huge deal. It's a huge shift for me.

And it goes back to letting go of what I can let go of. Absolutely. And of course, you all know this, it's not like you let it go once, right? I mean, letting go absolutely is letting go every second that we take a breath in and we put a breath out, every second. And that's sometimes feels a little onerous like hard work.

But on the other hand, every second we get a fresh start, right? That's another way to look at it. If we didn't let go 5 minutes ago, well, we have an opportunity right now to let go. So a fresh start letting go absolutely. Well, I haven't taken up all the time, but I'm done.

So I'm going to end. I'm going to end by saying that what I've discovered I can hold on to and hold on to absolutely is my awareness of who I am, of me that is real, not somebody else's fantasy of me that I really exist, that I'm good, that I have a truth to share, that I can love and be compassionate. I can be compassionate towards my mom. And I'm still working on letting go of those lingering ever more subtle resentments. My partner, my dog and all those around me, including me, who are temporarily caught in a conflict, whether it's a little conflict around who turns the bedroom light on or it's a big huge conflict far away.

I can be loving and compassionate with all those caught temporarily in a conflict on the small domestic scene on the larger world stage. And for this, I have to express my gratitude to this program of Al Anon and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, which of course got me to Al Anon. And my gratitude to you all, because you are the program and to the words and tools that the program gives us and to our higher power. So thank you for listening to me and may the love and peace of the program grow in us one day at a time. Thank you.

Thank you, Judy.