Jo Ann R. From Dallas, TX at the 19th Annual Singles in Sobriety convention, Lake Murray, OK

Good morning. My name is Joanne Ray and I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic. And because this program continues to work in my life, I haven't had a drink since June 25th 66 and for that I am so grateful. Oh, you've already done that. As I was getting ready to come over this well, to come over, you think I've been in Europe or somewhere, to walk into the room.

I was trying debating whether I should wear the red flash shoes or the black, know, a little more subdued earrings, and and this wonderful old song came through my mind of, the lady in red. And one of one of the lines is, she's a big godty, but Lottie, what a personality. So I had to go with their red earrings. I honor I honor the people that have been here to, this weekend and talked, and it has been such a blessing for me. And I am really not a convention speaker, but I, and I feel like it's, you know, something that I am even here.

It's just I don't know the flukes that we get in our lives. That's okay. I'll give you another a plus on your next assignments. I also believe in having a good time, and that is exactly what I intend to do today. You know, and it won't matter whether I'm good or bad or indifferent because you're gonna hear me how you hear me, and that's the way it's gonna be.

It doesn't matter who you are, because that's the way I hear, it's through my own filtering system. And it you and as my good, wonderful new friend, Clara, told me at breakfast, don't forget if there's just one person, you know, she prayed. Just let me give something to one person that will help make their lives enrich their lives and make it more spiritual. That'll be great. I don't know about the spiritual part, but maybe we can have some fun.

I, I grew up over in Fort Worth, and I was a I was a pretty good student. Had, well, I was a good student. What am I talking about? And, but but I was a I was fairly rebellious. I was the 5th of 6 children, and honey, I hated them all.

Well, I did. I used to have a nightmare. I went to therapy for a while and found this out. Now whether it was his idea or mine, I don't know. But, when I found out that I used to have a nightmare, recurring nightmare where I killed everybody off in the family.

Tried to kill me but couldn't do it, you know, and then I'd wake up screaming and I'd run into bed with mom and daddy who I just murdered. So, you know, I was not happy. Let's say that. And yet, on the other hand, I was just as wonderful, you know, I just really enjoyed life. I really be enjoyed being out there.

But then when I got home, it was turned around. I think that's why I was such a good student was because it was out of the house, you know, they weren't teaching me at home. And, I played piano, studied piano, and that was a great thing for me to study also because you don't have to be around anybody when you're doing that, you know, except that teacher. And one way that I got back at this family, we lived in a 2 story home and, of course, piano's on the 1st floor, and I would wake up early in the morning, and I'd go down at that piano and I would practice chairney exercises. Now if you ain't never heard one, pray that you don't.

They are the most boring things, but they're great for finger development, you know, but, and so that's how I would get even with them, wake them up to journey exercises. Well, I went on to school well, and, went to high school, and the second World War broke out. I used to be so discombobulated that that had to happen because all the guys left, You know? We talk about selfishness, self centeredness. Well, I'm just giving up my life for you, girl, you know.

But, I'll you know, that's just where my mind went. I could not I didn't look beyond anything. I didn't I couldn't see seem to see beyond and the big picture and all that baloney. I remember that this is the morning, Sunday morning, and as Steve said, that just means we don't curse quite so much. So, so hopefully, I will not cuss too much this morning.

Oh, and I found boys and booze. Now, I don't know in what order, but I found boys and booze and man, was that a blessing for me. And There was that old saying, you know, well, eat, eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow we may die. You know, well, I fell for it every time. Oh, god.

Stupid. I wanna say something real interject here. I if I had wanted to, I could've kept paying for dues in Mensa, so I have a nice intellect. Okay? But I don't know a damn thing about how to live.

I mean, I just I have made some of the worst choices that I've ever that a person can make. I mean, you know, choose booze and instead of college, well, yeah, that's what I did. So, I'm, off on my run with this newfound friend of alcohol and all the boys I could find. There was a the the thing to do at that time was to date the men from the air force because they made more money than the, you know, the grunts. However, there's nothing wrong with them.

You know? They have what it takes. And, so I was what they did, they had a the guy these guys would have, like, one room here at the Old Worth Hotel in Fort Worth, which is no longer around, and then they would have the floor right behind below it. And this one night, they tied sheets together, and we girls, there were 2 of us, the only 2 that did this. I often wonder what happened to her, but, and we we we got down to our panties and bra.

Now that doesn't sound like a heck of a lot today, you know, but, honey, back then, that was a lot. I mean, they did not have the bikinis. I would just try to set the trend for you all today. I just started, and we repel. I didn't even know what the hell the man word meant.

Haven't heard it. I don't think from the one floor down to the next floor. That's outside the building. And, why why, you know, why would you do that? It was just such craziness, such craziness, all of that life.

It was and then I go to school at Our Lady of Victory, which for those of you who don't know is a Catholic girls school or was at the time. And, well, my grades started dropping. And one woman one of the nuns said, Joanne, what's the matter? Your grades are dropping. And I said, well, you know, my dad drinks a lot, and it's awfully difficult to study at home because he comes in drunk.

And she said something very profound, and oh, how I wish I had paid attention. She said, you know, if you're smart enough to figure out that your dad is your problem, then you're smart enough to figure out how to solve it. Oh, well, that means I'm gonna have to take the responsibility for this full no. Uh-uh. Not me.

It's him. I want you to go to my house and he can tell you, oh, here's that desire chip that that goes, don't give me. I wanna say something about this guy. Pardon me. You know, he was he was up here doing the deal about remember to sign up for golf and for this or for that, and he never said bridge.

And I had to remind him, and and he accuses me of being an Al Anon or needing it. And I'm accusing him of needing some memory lessons. Of course, I didn't play the bridge tournament. Well, what the hell it needed to be now? Okay.

Where was I? Anybody have any idea where I am? But none. We can figure it out. Yeah.

If we'll see. And if I could really figure it out, then I would not be a problem, would it? That's one of the interesting things of getting to be as old as I am, which incidentally I'll be 77 in October 5th. Oh, yeah. Damn proud of it too.

And, I have some friends in the room who at least one who's up there too, and I love that. I love that idea of our being still being sober and still being old and still being involved in Alcoholics Anonymous, which I love. I've always I've, sort of laughed to myself for once in a while. I can imagine a newcomer saying, my god, she has 36 years. Haven't she gotten it yet?

You know? What is this? But it's it's just life. It's just a wonderful way of life that I enjoy. I don't need to go anywhere because I've heard other people say this too that, you know, this is like, Peyton Place.

Who needs to go anywhere else? I got we got it all right here. In fact, my sponsor used to tell me that I had to sit on the front row, and when I asked her why, she said, because I don't want you to try to figure out who you're gonna be sleeping with tonight. And I still sit on the front row Because there used to be an old saying, and I can't remember the damn thing, but it's all about gray hair and the chimney still, you know, belching with desire. Thank god for memories.

I, I'm really not knowing where I where I am right now. I mean, I know where I am, but where am I in the story? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter? Oh, yeah.

That lady that nun. Right. And see what she did, she put it right back on my shoulders. You you are gonna have to figure this thing out. It's your your responsibility, not your dad's responsibility.

And, boy, that I heard things like that see throughout the years. And as brilliant as I am, it never made a damn because I was so so into myself. And you if you're an alcoholic, you probably know exactly what I'm talking about. I've sold to myself that I could not get out here and see that I am harming you, that I may be harming you. Of course, today, and I really believe this and a lot of you are gonna say, oh my gosh, what did she say that for?

But I don't believe I can harm you anymore. I really don't because you're responsible for yourselves and only you can determine whether I have harmed you. I can't do that. You give me permission to harm you, and that's the only thing. And if you don't give me permission, then I can't harm you.

It is certainly my intention today never to harm anyone again, whether it's by, you know, crook or crook. I don't care. I never wanna harm anyone again. But if it does, that's your problem, and it sure as hell ain't mine. K.

Oh, well, I I, my grades were dropping. The nun had told me that, you know, and and they still dropped. I talked my dad into allowing me to go to high school at a at a Paschal High in Fort Worth. It was a public school. And boy, what a traumatic shift.

You know, we had 25 girls in my class and then went there, and there were a 100 people. And it was just it was it was quite traumatic. And, I was lost in that. You know, my grades still were bad, and, I was taking typing. Now I I studied piano a lot, so I my fingers were agile, and I knew that I could just move right over that typewriter, which I did, and that I was the best one there.

And she would say, but you still have to turn in your homework. And I'd say to myself, I don't know why. You don't have anybody else in here typing this fast. Thank you. And so I wouldn't turn in the homework.

Well, guess what? She didn't care. You know, she wanted the homework, so I had to plunk she flunked me, and I had to go back to summer school, and so who cares about that? But the point of it is the impact that alcohol makes on the lives of a person, the life of a person. That profound it changes our whole it changed my entire perspective, my entire desire to be the best gal that I could be, to be the best student.

I wanted so much to be valedictorian, and I didn't make it. Oh, but it it it really had changed my life. I went on and, I never drank daily and that was a problem for me. Oh, when I started trying to sober up because if I don't drink daily, then obviously I'm not an alcoholic. See.

And so if I'm not an alcoholic, then I don't really have to be coming to these full, meetings, you know, and doing all that. Strand of prayer stuff, you know, and trying to be kind. Because I was I was I've always been. I do not have that anger today for which I am blessedly grateful, but I have always I'd always been an angry girl, always been angry. And since I didn't, well, hell, isn't this a bitch?

I wanted to be a good woman. I wanted to do all of those things, but it just wasn't coming off that way. It just wasn't turning out that way. So I go to work, selling hosiery, at the old Meacham's first when it first opened up in Fort Worth, and, you know, had some adventures there we won't go into, But I always wanted to be discovered, and it made me so mad years later to find out that everybody in there, a wanna be discovered. I thought I was over 1, you know.

And, so I wanted to be discovered. I obviously had not been discovered in Fort Worth, Texas, so I have to go to Dallas. Now this part of my story is, you know, probably funny to you, but it, by god, wasn't funny then. So I've gotta figure out a way to get from Fort Worth to Dallas. Now those of you who are familiar with the area know that's about a 30 mile trip.

Oh, we're not talking about New York. And, but I don't have any money. I have never had any money. So, I'm gonna sidetrack again and please somebody help me remember where the hell I am. One of the one of the parameters of success in that a is not having money.

You know, there are a lot of us that I have noticed that don't wind up being wealthy, but the wealth comes from in here. It I'm not I'm not saying that you can't I hate it when people say, oh, if you're if you're wealthy, then you'll never stay sober and that hey, that's bullshit. Where is my mother? Or sister superior? You know, the wealth comes from within yourself, and if you're sober today, honey, you're as wealthy as anybody in the room.

Absolutely. So don't ever worry about that. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. I'm trying to get to Dallas.

Okay. On the bus. On the bus. Yeah. Somebody's heard my story before.

Well, I don't know how to get enough money together because I really don't know how to save money. Oh, well, that's a fool. I I wouldn't know how if I wanted to, but I don't. So much to my children's chagrin, So I get, involved in the oldest profession known to man womankind or probably mankind and, worked for about 2 weeks and and couldn't stand that, but then I'd also gotten enough money to buy a bus ticket from Fort Worth to Dallas and buy a green dress. I'll never forget that green dress.

And, you know, you think because it cost about $2, $3, something like that to buy that ticket. So you gotta wonder, oh, was she that bad? Or So I get to Dallas and I start working at a, little quonset hut that was a, you know, joint, beer joint, and met the man of my nightmares. We were both drunk. Can you imagine that?

And, we get married, and I have often sworn that if we had had if the if North Dallas and Rockwall had been wet, we would never have gotten married because we'd have stopped and had a beer, but it was all dry then, so we had to drive all the way to Rockwall without a beer, and got married there and that was charming. She had on a kimono and her hair in curlers and, you know, the woman that married us. Anyhow, I hear girls talk about their weddings and how wonderful they were, and I'll just keep quiet. I thank God. I don't wanna tell who my wife was.

Anyhow, so well, we get married, and I have 2 children. Now I wanna tell you quickly here that my children are a okay. So if you're an alcoholic and you have children in your life and they have been affected by your alcoholism, don't give up hope because there is a way out and they can find their own ways. And even though you have, maybe have been, you know, really neglectful and never nurturing and never showing them the care and the attention that they deserved, don't please just keep coming in this program and keep doing the things that we tell you to do. Well then, we got a divorce and moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma and, that's where if there would be that invisible line, I'd crossed over it because then it was no longer just sort of a fun, it was more of I have to have a drink.

And but again, I was never a daily drinker. Also, another way that I called myself into believing that I wasn't an alcoholic was by, saying, well, see, I can always get a job. And my god, I could always get a job. Getting a job was no problem. Keeping the job was what was the problem, you know.

They just don't like it when you have an excessive amount of flu. It was just something about them. And, I wouldn't have hired me for the world. So, you know, and with that kind of false information, then I kept denying the fact that I'm an alcoholic, and I kept denying it and denying it. If I had stayed sober from the first time that I came to AA, I have something like 48 years of sobriety today, but I don't, And that's okay.

There's nothing wrong with that. I also never do this. When someone asked me my sobriety date, I give it to them. I give them my sobriety date. I don't say, well, I was here in the fifties, you know, and, that that meant something because I don't believe it does.

I believe that whatever the hell it was I thought I'd learned back there was of no value, or, baby, I wouldn't have gone out there again. I would not have gone out there again. So I go I wanna I'd also like to interject here too. Steve was talking about choice. You know, the book tells us we lose our choice, our power of choice, and I do not believe when I hear someone introduce themselves at the meetings and they say, well, I've chosen not to drink today.

I wanna say, well, what the why are you here? Go ahead and cut. It's Sunday morning, darling, but you get the idea. Oh, you know, why are you here if you can choose? Why are you here?

Because I I can't choose anymore. If I have a drink today, I know I'm gonna get drunk. I know that without because I did it for 10 or 11 years, so that I don't have to prove anything anymore. Well, I get into Tulsa and, for some reason or other, and I'm my brilliant mind, remember I'm very smart, tells me that maybe I'm having a little trouble with drinking. So I call Alcoholics Anonymous, and now this couple came and to pick me up to my first meeting, and I'll never forget, I said, maybe this will help me with my complexion.

Man, I'd have given that gal the number of a good dermatologist, you know, But they didn't. But I'll bet you they were thinking in their minds. This one may not make it, mate, because she's here for the wrong wrong reasons. So that was my adventure into Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't remember anything about it.

I just remember coming in and going out and coming in and going out. I I had got, and the children, oh my. It took me 10 years of sobriety before I could tell this part of my story without crying. They would I would call them from work and say something like, well, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to work overtime tonight, and, you know, that was a lot of what was going on with this this desperate desire to have a drink, to be able to just get easy for a minute, just settle down for a bit, and and, but I'd call them, you know, and I'd say, I I've gotta work overtime. And they finally got to an age where they could say, but mama, mama, you've already said that.

You know, we know about that story. And I would say something like this, shut up and don't give me any of your damn lip, bang, in the ear of my old child, my little baby, who's at home without food or anyone to take care of it. There was a woman we had that, not have we had. I mean, she lived in the neighborhood, and when she would hear that they were alone, she would come over, you know, and stay with them and feed them. And she was a real enabler, but, oh, God, am I grateful for her?

Am I ever grateful for her today? Now those children are alright today. My daughter is, they have no business doing this, but my daughter is turning 50 this month. She'd probably kill me if she knew I was telling that to a bunch of people. And she has a girl that's, 16 and, oh my god, if she ever stacked.

She's just beautiful. I don't know what, you know. Why did it miss me? I'm like I forget what your name is, but she offered me some, you know, like a roll aid or something or well, that in there before your breath. And it comes from Virginia Slim.

She says it's the only damn thing there I can wear, you know, because she and I were not blessed with, you know, the curves. And, anyhow, the so, she would she, you know, she would take care of them, and I would be so grateful for that, but not not a lot. I mean, you know, just they were just so the way it's happening. I was so dumb. I was so dumb.

So self centered. I would come in the program, and I'd listen to you, and I think, oh, yeah. That's what I want. Yeah. Okay.

I'll do that. And then I'd get mad because and this is why I tell women that are new in the program, please do not get emotionally involved with anyone until you have at least a year. I now say 6 months, but used to be because I know the futility of that. But, because, see, I would get involved with some guy in the club and then I come back to a meeting and guess what? He's talking to somebody else.

Forwarding with her, and I'm sitting over there. Well, they all know that I've been doing it with him, and so I leave. You know? What do you get? You have to save face to hell with sobriety, and because I couldn't emotionally take it.

See, I hadn't got my marbles back. I hadn't been able to get into that even a glimmer of what emotional sobriety might be all about. So that's why I suggest to them, please don't do that. Now I have a reputation of being a rather tough sponsor, but, you know, I've never had a gun. I've never I've never held a gun to anybody's head and said, you gotta do this, because this would be futile.

You know, they'd say your gun, let me show you my gun. And I'd be like this. You know, I don't have a watch and I don't see a clock and I don't know where I what time. Thank you, darling. I know I love to talk, but I don't wanna keep everybody oh, is it 12 o'clock already?

You're kidding me. They opened. Okay. Oh, well, you can always get up and walk out. I'll just never speak to you again.

I'll keep it would you keep track? Maybe you got it that my life was in the shambles. I got mad and told so I got I got fired and, came to Dallas one more time because that was my only geographic. And, came to Dallas, and once again, I'm in and out, and I'm in and out, and and I'm and people would say, that, you know, like say, 3 years ago, they come in with me and they're still sober and I'd come back again and they'd say, well, we sure have missed you. And I'd say, well, I didn't miss you.

Or, well, where have you been? Well, I haven't been here, you know, I mean, not give them a cutting edge, I mean, just kill them with words. Oh, the day came when I was stabbed. Oh, isn't that dramatic? And, and, oh, took 4 days.

Now I always wanna remind you how how really intelligent I am. Took me 4 days to figure out I might not have been stabbed if I hadn't been drunk. 4 days. So, one more time, I'm about to take a shower so I can get back out there with them, and I think to myself, you're you're about to die. You're gonna die if you do this.

And I called them once more to Alcoholics Anonymous, and and they came and got me. It was a Saturday night, a Saturday afternoon, and I'll never forget it. The guy that picked me up, I hated his guts. I already knew him. And he was always the one that went and got the people, you know.

But see, by this time, I didn't care. I did not care because I was literally scared to death. Got a sponsor who worked very well with new people. Her name was Dixie King, but when we said the Lord's prayer, she would never say as we forgive those who trespass against us. One day, I asked her why she didn't do it, and she blurted this out like it was, you know, an open heart and that scared the heck out of me.

She says, because I'm not gonna forgive the SOBs, but she didn't use any initials. I had a spiritual experience as a result of that. I had a spiritual experience because I saw for the first time that the reason I had not stayed sober was because I have never forgiven them. I have never forgiven myself. So that was a major turnaround for me and my sobriety.

Another thing that happened with Dixie is about 6 years later, she was found dead after 3 days, in a motel room out on Harry Hines before they sort of cleaned it up. And, it was some alcohol related death. I don't remember what it was. Alone. She'd been alone for 3 days, you know, and so she had forgotten that she had no choice.

She had forgotten that. And then going back to alcoholism, I just what a powerful lesson for me. Powerful lesson. I got a new sponsor, and she said, fool things like you're gonna have to take the steps. Oh, you know, I mean, she was really sort of off the wall.

And, so then I get a sober, you know, well, then I start doing the steps. You know, all over the metroplex. Man, I'm I'm a go on and enjoy living and I'm telling you all about it. Loving every minute of it because you'd always applaud, you know. So, I'm I'm discovered.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, I did get discovered in Tulsa when I was up there, the police. They discovered me several times. They discovered me once here in Dallas after the assassination of Kennedy. And, the and when they were taking me in, you know, I said, well, is this where you guys allowed Oswald to get shot? You know?

But but you but you have to take me in. You oh, god. I was so arrogant. And the woman who was the matron, she's going through my purse. I had a rosary in there, and she says, what is a good young girl like you doing in this place?

And I said, I don't know. I didn't know. I didn't know what I was doing in there, except I was mad. Go all along and I'm, you know, miss Universe. I miss well, miss a in the area, and I just think I am so great.

And, then one day, I'm driving the street in my car. Well, still, I didn't have a car till I had 4 years of sobriety, so don't please don't anybody ever tell me, well, you know, I can't get to a meeting because I don't have a car. And, thank goodness I've had one ever since, whatever condition they were in. And I'm driving the street and I'm stopping the signal light and this guy had pulled in front of me. Well, he was not supposed to do that.

He was driving a Lexus. Bad move. The light turns and he goes and I come along behind him and by God, I'm tailgating him. And then I've you know, and he's looking at me in the mirror. And then I scoot up ahead of him and I throw my brakes on in front of him.

So he has to go around me. Well, that's okay. I'll tell the gates you're smart. And I don't know how far along we did this, but I am really I can imagine in what he must have been thinking, what is that old gray haired lady doing? Oh, and thank God my body took over and my back went into spasms and my throat is closing down and my hands are shaking and trembling.

And I'd already had 2 open heart surgeries, and I knew I didn't need any more problems. So I finally was able to stop, you know, and collect myself. Well, I went to a meeting that night and was telling somebody about it, and and there was also a girl I was sponsoring who was gonna have to drive to Wisconsin with only 3 weeks of 3 months. And so he was hearing us, you know, and he said, well, hey, I've got some tapes that she can listen to while she's driving to Wisconsin. And I reared myself up to my 59 frame, and I said, oh, thank you very much, but, you know, I'm her sponsor.

And I tell her what to listen to. Thank you. So he gave us both a set of tapes. And the thing that I heard that impressed me most was I cannot live on yesterday's bread. So if you're long in the program and you haven't taken the steps in the last 20 years, for god's sakes, get busy.

Yes. Why not? You know? I mean, that's what they're there for. The book tells me over and over again.

This is a lifelong process. We don't just get somewhere and then stop. We have to. I have to. Maybe you don't have to, but I have to continually renew that faith and that that wisdom and that information and let it keep coming back through me and and hearing it from you guys.

And I I that that's a necessity for me today. So I've had some really great lessons in that. So so grateful for that. I'll, I will close. But, first of all, I wanna tell you that I had to I went to the cardiologist the other day, and they did a sonogram.

Right? Is that what they do? Thank you. He's not my cardiologist, but I was talking to him about it, and he knows what they are. It wouldn't be bad, though, you know, honey.

And, and, anyhow, so it turns out I I really have. I've now had 3 openings of my of my gullet, you know, to figure out what's going on with this heart. I had a micro valve problem, and, I like to say that so that you won't think, well, why don't you give up eating all that greasy food because that wasn't the problem. Thank you. And, and the last time, they really didn't think I would live through it at my age, you know, that I would that that was just what a couple of years ago and a year and a half.

And, so here so they, you know, they're watching it pretty closely, and it seems that my heart is about 20 is exercising. It's doing its thing at about a 20% lower level than what it should be. Well, immediately, you know, I'm thinking, well, I'm so glad I've already had my funeral plans made, which is silly, you know, but, but I did whenever that last time they went in, I I had it all arranged and who was gonna say what at my memorial. Well, you know, there are a lot of the people here that were gonna be in on that act. So anyhow, so I'm immediately into, well, hell, I'm dead now, you know.

This is it. Oh, and I said, I know this is a stupid question. No stupid questions, he says. I said, but this one really is a stupid question. So I may have to have cataract surgery soon.

Do you think I should go ahead and spend that kind of money for cataract surgery? And he I said, see, I told you it was a crazy story because how in the heck is he gonna know at what moment I die? And if any of you think you know at what moment you shall die, then you've got a little surprise coming for you. So, he says, no. He says, really, that's not a crazy question.

That's a question of philosophy. If it is damaging your your lifestyle, then have the operation. It doesn't matter if you live with them for 3 days or 30 years. It does not matter. Just maintain your lifestyle.

And I thought, wow, what a perfect answer for me. Because see what he does then. What he did, he got me back into the right now. Is this what I got? This is what I got.

So I'll go for whatever I gotta go for. Right now, I have nothing else to go for. Please believe that. There's nothing but this moment. I know I oh god.

How many hours have I spent my lifetime worrying about what's gonna happen? The kids are gonna. I used to have this paranoia thing. I was in a meeting once at Old Town North and the in the office, the phone rang. There were about 30 of us around the table.

Phone rings and the guy comes to the door, you know, and I was sure that he was gonna call me. So I raised my hand so he can be sure I was there. Because in my mind, he's going to say, you know, one of your children has been in a terrible accident and they've been decapitated. Decapitated. Is that not dumb?

I mean, it could go, but that's the way my mind goes. That's the way it kept going. And and that kind of information, that kind of worrying I don't believe in worrying. I've often told girls that I've sponsor if I thought worrying would help us any, we would hire some professional warriors and get this damn job done. You know?

And get this damn job done, you know. Nothing in my life has been improved by worrying because I have to let go and let God. I've got to let go and let God take care of this thing. And so anyhow, I raised my hand, you know, and told him that I was there. He said, hey, Joe.

It's phone. You know? It wasn't me at all. But, that moment, that time that I was spent doing that denied me the privilege of standing in the sunlight of the spirit, which is one of my favorite phrases in the book. The sunlight of the spirit.

Any moment, and I really believe this, any moment that I am worrying about what you're doing or what you're thinking or what's gonna happen, I am denying myself that privilege of being right here, right now, with you. I am going to quit. I know I'm gonna tell another story. After my first open heart surgery, apparently, something strange happens. I my theory is that the love runs out of your heart.

But they say that, you will become very depressed. I mean, even the surgeon told me that, you know, so those guys don't mess around. And, I thought to myself, this is so stupid. I'm in the mother of all the 12 step programs. I am miss AA in the metroplex.

I have the lady in red personality. You know? I'm not gonna get depressed, but I said, well, thank you. And this nun had told me, and she said, and call me when you do. Not if, but when you do.

So I called her because I came. And she said, what you do, dear, is you say, well, hide depression. How the hell are you? You are as much a part of my life as my joy, my 59 frame, my brown eyes. You are so I'm good you're part of me, and I'm gonna take care of you or nurture you and put you to sleep or wake you up, whatever needs to be done.

You're gonna be okay, and it's alright for you to be here. And you know what? That depression left me. Now I know that there are people that have manic depressive, you know, manic depressives, then that wouldn't work on you. But if it's just the old grassroots stuff, you know, feelings are for ourselves, that just might work.

Just might work, so think about doing that. Then there is a story, another one that I will tell, because they just told me I had a few more minutes. There was a woman. The woman who told this story at the first, was a very religious woman, and, so she applied it to her religion. And she's and it allegedly is a true story where Paterescu, whom many of you probably never even heard of and could care less, but he was a famous pianist at the turn of the century, very talented, wonderful man.

And he was, waiting in the wings to come on stage to play a recital. And this woman had brought her a little 7 year old boy along with her and, they were seated and she's turned talking to the people behind her. And the little boy, I could just see him in my eyes mind, you know. And and he wiggles out of that chair, and he runs up on the stage, and he sits down at that grand piano, and he starts playing chopsticks. Well, you know, everybody the Al Anon number, you know.

See, I do know something about Al Anon. And, and he, you know, and everybody's aghast that this little boy has done that except for Paderewski. And he walks out on the stage and he sits down at the piano stool by the man, little boy, puts his arms around him, and he says, you just keep playing chopsticks and I'm gonna play with you. And it was a real serendipity for the group because it was magnificent what he did with that little ditty of a thing. The woman then said, you know, that's the way it is with us.

We go to heaven, and we tell god about all of the horrible, horrible things we've done. And we want them just like somebody was talking the other day. You know, I want you to hear all my stuff now. Don't you tell me that you don't wanna hear it all, you know, to our sponsors. Incidentally, I tell I told one of my sponsor guys, a guy I sponsored at the time, and he oh, my his family.

Finally, after about the third time of that nonsense, I said I've heard everything about your family I intend to hear. Now you either get on the program and get over this and take an inventory on it and forgive those folk or don't bore me with it. I don't wanna hear it, you know, and I don't. I'm not kidding you. I don't deal in death, and that's death defying whenever you just keep going back over it and back over it and back over it and and, you know, and it just gets worse.

It never gets better. And the story and then and then, god just tells, you know, the person. It's okay. All we do is make beautiful music up here. Well, that's what I think we do in the a.

You know, we come in so destitute and so disarranged and so despicable and despairing and all of those words. We just hate ourselves so tremendously. But in AA, we we just put our arms around each other and say come on in, we're just making beautiful music here. And I hope that all of you get to complete your symphonies. Thank you so much for having me.