Steve B. from Van Nuys, CA at 19th Annual Singles in Sobriety convention, Lake Murray, OK

And I thought that was incredibly liberal of me. I was drinking every day. I was going to give you 4. I just wanted three because I don't think anybody comes into Alcoholics Anonymous wanting to stop drinking.

We come in here wanting to give up the consequences of drinking and drink, see, and I don't want, it took me a long time to figure out I don't want to drink one. And those of you who say I just want one glass of wine with my spaghetti,

this is 1 little glass of wine with a spaghetti and I can't to the jizz. Oh, drop dead.

I don't even believe you belong in a a if that's really what you're. I don't. I don't want one.

I want to be as martini cool. I want to be Frank Sinatra. I want to be a good hard drinker that can go out and get drunk as a monkey tonight, shake it off and not drink until I want to drink again. That's what I want to be because I want the feeling. When Jennifer talked last night, I said to myself, I understand why we drink.

She was talking about, we talked about this morning and emotional sobriety, which is not a good workshop for newcomers because they don't want that.

When I was new, I wanted to see a fistfight in a meeting, not emotional sobriety. That seemed boring to me, you know, so, so though you may not want to go to that one, you know, let's go to fistfights in sobriety and we'll get a lot of newcomers in that one. And if you're new, get right into a relationship. It'll help you work the steps

right. I know a lot of your sponsors say no relationship to the first year. I find relationship helps the step work.

Uh,

but I understand because Jennifer was talking about all these feelings and going and, and, and, and we're odd. This is an odd group of people.

Father, who is a father. Leo had this book out called God for the Odd, and I thought, that's just so right for me. I am an odd person. I'm always going to be an odd person. Somebody in the meeting said today that for them, sobriety wasn't taking the highs out of the highs and the lows out of the lows. It was accepting that they were a high, high and a low, low person.

Because I spent most of my life trying to be you and I can't. And I wasn't put here to be you. I was put here to be me,

not you, and that's a hard thing for me because the last thing in the world I ever want to be is me,

you know? I want to figure out what you want me to be and then do it so you'll love me. When I came to the Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't think you would let me stay,

that I was good enough to stay. And I can think that today that why goes so deep in my hard drive that I doubt that it will ever go away completely. And that is my great blessing because it keeps me dependent and involved in Alcoholics Anonymous because only a day at a time can I live with that. Because if I, if I, if I get away from here too long, that will get so big that I will have to drink. Because when I drink it goes away.

When it's working, I understand

white people drink. The fear goes away, the anxiety goes away. You know, I take 4 or 12 ounces of ethyl alcohol.

I swallow it.

It hits my stomach

and the sun rises.

It paralyzes my legs,

my chest goes out my fingers, it flushes my face, and every pore in my body goes,

ah,

always gets very quiet. That's part of my pitch. See your sphincters a little tighter,

There's a little sweat on your lip and your Jones and aren't you? You're jonesing. You just got a big old shot of dopamine because your body just remembered.

There's a part, you know people cross their legs and they move. Because my body remembers that. It remembers what alcohol was like when it was working and forgets what it was like at the end when it stopped working. But I will chase the idea that it will work again till it kills me. Not because I'm stupid,

but because I have this illness, this malady. The books, the words that are used in the Big Book, not disease. The word disease is only used one time in the Big Book, and it's coupled with the word spiritual. Big Book has no opinion of whether this is a disease medically,

something that's come into the program. Now you go in the back of the book, we have Alaska award, all that stuff. But the book itself and I think Bill was brilliant. You know, today it's OK to be for it to be a disease. 20 years from now they may revoke that again, we're out of that. We're out of that debate. AA has no opinion about whether alcoholism is a disease or not. Said, you know, illness, it's a malady. And I have this illness and this malady and it's insanity And, and I think we hang out with the insanity so much we don't even recognize it in A room.

Wait, because it's so much a part of a meeting.

Here's the insanity. I'm talking to a guy and I go, what happened? Why did you drink again? And here's the story. And you hear it over and over again. Well, I got out of rehab. I got out of wherever I was and I got a little job, got a little job, got a little money, got a little money, got a little apartment, got a little apartment, got a little car, got a little car, got a little girlfriend. So I thought I could drink.

And we sit in the meeting and go, Yeah. And we forget. That's absolutely clinically, psychotically insane. And none of us go. You're nuts. We just,

because you will never talk to a person, said what happened when I got out of the hospital, got out of the hospital, I got a little job. That little job, that little apartment, that little apartment, got a little car, got a little car, got a little girlfriend and I don't have cancer anymore.

The job cured the diabetes.

Nobody with any other disease would ever say that. But we'll say it about alcoholism and believe it because denial is not strong enough. A word for what is wrong with my head. Illusion, delusion, obsession, compulsion. I no longer know that the stove is hot when it comes to alcohol, Once I have become insane again, I will take the drink. If I ever drink again, I absolutely believe it, not knowing any longer that it will hurt me.

However I got there,

I will think this time it will be OK or I will think this time it won't be too bad. Both of them equally as insane.

Absolutely insane. You know, you don't tell people who who eat strawberries and break out in hives. They don't have this compulsion to eat strawberries. There's no such thing as strawberries, Anonymous.

Unless it's a women's stag meeting in California, but I don't know. But

this thing with alcohol, it's insane. And that's my big problem. That's, you know, I, I, you'll notice I haven't said a lot about drinking. I, I'm an alcoholic. I drank a lot. When I start drinking, I can't stop. I drank about 1/2 a gallon of wine a day. I did that because if I drank a quart of booze, I was just too hard. I functioned to a degree, but I was going to lose that. I lost a marriage.

No, it's not the worst story in the world, but I am the very first person out of my family to give it sober. And my grandmother and grandfather had four daughters, family of six that killed half of them.

I'm adopted, 2 mothers, two fathers. It's killed 75% of my parents. And I was the very first person in my family to get sober. And I would have been, if you had looked at my family, picked the first one to die in my generation of alcoholism because I'm like that person in the book. When I drank, I drank insanely. I drank as long as there was booze in the house.

I didn't go a lot of places. I like being home,

would go to those bars and take a hostage once in a while.

You know I remember the best I ever did in the bar I was sitting, it was called group therapy and is in Colombia and I was really drunk and I was sitting there and the boys bathroom, the girls bathroom was right there and I was waiting to get the boys bathroom. This girl comes out and I said to her and you know this will turn some of you on now. I said to her.

I

some of you thinking I wonder where he's going to be at the dance, aren't you? I know, I know, I know. It's a killer line. Killer line.

And this young lady looked at me and went

and we were out of there in 5 minutes, you know?

But my drinking, I joke is slits like this. I set my chair and I, I, I cried hysterically and you know, I, I can't cry like I used to cry when I was drinking. I could cry.

You know those animal cells I

because they missed the word bubble gum on the $10,000 pyramid.

Yeah,

and laughing hysterically because Jillian left Seneca one more time on Ryan's Hope.

That was it. That's that's, you know, just one Gray day after the other,

one March, day after day into oblivion, having no idea that I first drank set up the phenomena of craving and that when I tried not to drink, I had this head. There are many sayings in AI don't like, which is OK because they're not in the book. The one I really don't like is nobody poured it down my throat.

Well, they poured it down my throat. Somebody poured some drink. I took a million drinks. I never wanted to drink. There was this other guy in me that took drinks when I didn't want to drink. I got up in the morning. I'm not drinking. I can't drink. I'm going to lose my wife. I'm shaking, I'm miserable. I don't want to drink. Boom,

wasn't me. I didn't want to take it. See, the book says. And it's really neat because

I go to a big book study that reads the stories, which I hate because then you take you two years to get back to the 1st 164 pages. But every time I take a vote and change it, somebody waits for me not to be there and changes it back.

And you know, like I could go to another meeting. But I enjoy the controversy.

But, and when I was the secretary, it was a big book study. And now I go in there and I try to guess what they read.

But you know, when you go to meetings you don't like, still great things happen. It's every meeting is a spiritual entity, as it says in the tradition. So now it says in the book that I need two things in order to get sober.

Two things I have to know. One is I have to want to stop.

I have to want to stop drinking, not rest up,

not feel better, not get the wife back and the kids because you see that around Christmas time. Don't you guys come in because they miss Thanksgiving? The bosses on them, the wife, the kids, the dog doesn't even like them. March 1st they got the house in the car and her back and they don't come to meetings anymore. They got what they came for then come to stop drinking. They came to put the heat off and many times I don't know why I'm here until I know why I'm here.

So I have to know that I want to stop drinking.

And then the second thing is I have to know I can't do it by myself. I think there's probably a problem. Drinkers that know they need to stop drinking and just do it. They never get here. They never get here because they're not an alcoholic. Maybe they're not even an alcoholic at all, but they're not an alcoholic like me. I can't do it by myself. And what was really great is I love that because it's just so simple. And then in the story about the third alcoholic Bill Dee's story, it says Bob and Bill went and visited him. And the first two questions they asked him was do you want to?

We don't care whether you do or not. If you if you want to drink, that's your business. But do you want to stop? Because if you want to stop, we're here for you. And then the second question they ask him, can you do it on your own? Can you do it on your own? I thought, man, those guys walk like they talk. They actually did what they said in the book. What an amazing thing.

So I have to know those two things because as long as I think I'm going to do it on my own, why am I going to get a Home group? Why am I going to learn to get along with you people? Why am I going to walk into a group with people in my Home group that I wish would drink? Because the world would be a better place.

Because listen and don't change your Home group. Because if you do, you're going to go to another Home group and those people are going to follow you.

They will have different names and different earth suits. They will be the same people

because if God has a lesson for me to learn, changing home groups isn't going to fool him. Where'd Steve go? Oh, I guess he doesn't have to learn anything about tolerance. Changed his Home group

so you know, and, and the great thing about a Home group is I, you know, I believe that probably the the most valuable person in this room tonight is the person that's the hardest to love. It's not the most spiritual or the one who's got the most babies that those people are easy. That's easy. Everybody likes them, but the one that's hardest to love, the one that just awkward and boring when they share and

dull and can't get it and and and the chronic relapse are I hate that phrase. You know the thing, The other thing I hate and they stick with the winner's. I understand it,

but this is a spiritual organization, and spiritual spirituality is not based on winning and losing. The world is based on winning and losing,

not God.

See. And so I think that phrase is picked with the people who are serious about staying sober. But there are no losers in Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe if you come here and get one day, it's better than never having come here. When did time become God and Alcoholics Anonymous? One minute of sobriety is a miracle,

you know? And when people go out, we say, well, I guess they weren't willing. And we never asked ourselves, but where did the willingness come from? See, I can't explain to you why in 1979 when I'm sitting in a chair in a meeting and there's a guy next to me and Jennifer talked about this last night and I'm here in the message, I'm hearing you don't have to drink anymore. I'm hearing your Alcoholics like me. I'm hearing there's a solution called the steps, which I don't know anything about. I'm hearing just don't drink between meetings. Call us if there's any other problem. That's why I'm hearing. And he's here. And I guess

he didn't, he didn't hear it. Why?

Because I'm smarter and brighter and cooler and better and God loves me more. No, that can't possibly be the answer. Because then God has favorites. I can't tell you why, but I will tell you in my Home group, when someone dies from drinking, we create it. We treat it as a celebration. Because some of the ways Alcoholics going to stop drinking is to die. Alcoholism has been beaten. You know, they're not going to drink anymore.

And so I don't believe there's chronic relapses. I'm a chronic relapse. I just haven't had it. I don't believe they're losers in Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe that this is a spiritual organization and that those people that go in and out may see because the Big Book has very specific about this. The Big Book says

over and over then could not or would not,

could not or would not that the people who don't get this could not. They just couldn't get it. They couldn't get it wasn't up. You weren't going to give it to him. I wasn't going to couldn't get him or wouldn't get it. And I am not to judge. That's what I take that book to me. I'm not to judge. That's not up to me. That's God's business. My job is to simply be of service and give it away. And if God gives it to him, he gives it to him because it ain't. I'm not the message. I am not the light. I'm only the window,

you know,

and that's a very humbling thing. It's very amazing to see what groups do with chronic relapsers, to see them to become the lepers of the group as if they were a failure rather than somebody, you know. My friend Maurice Stenner, who talked here in 86, said that she was sitting in a meeting loaded out of her mind, wanting it just as much as she ever wanted it in her sobriety. Just wasn't her time yet.

Just wasn't her time. And who am I? Am I going to get arrogant enough to think somebody had enough chances? That's it. That's it. I'm not going to work with you anymore. You're not serious. I can't be serious with this guy. You're a very good person. Very good person. You have just one drink. You have just one drink. You have one drink. Just have one drink. Just have one drink. What is the Zima? What is a Sema?

What is a SEMA?

What's a dry beer? How could it be wet and dry? Wet and dry, Wet and dry, Wet and dry. Wet, dry, wet, dry.

All right, we don't have alcohol. Let's have a non alcoholic beer and then we just say I don't drink non alcoholic beers. If you do, you're fine. I think you're still sober. I don't have any opinions about that. You know, I don't drink them because for me to drink a non alcoholic beer would be like for me to go to a House of prostitution to listen to the piano player.

See, I'm going to tell myself I'm going for the music, the Bach, the most I'm getting in the room, OK?

Now, if you're new, he talks to you a little different than he talks to me, 'cause I got 23 years. He's tried all that. But if you knew he said something like this. OK, OK, OK. OK. OK.

OK. OK. OK. OK. OK.

I mean, I mean, he just runs sometimes. I took drinks to shut him up. Remember that before you got somebody to tell, you didn't want to drink, you just wanted him to shut up.

And if you got him drunk, he would shut up and leave you alone.

And if you could figure out a way to get him drunk and not you, you'd have done that.

I didn't want to drink it. I just wanted him to drink. Here, buy a drink.

So if you knew he goes OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, you got 90 days, got 90 days. You better drink soon or you're going to have so much time you can never drink again.

Now look, that is insane. I want to go back. This is insane logic. The logic is not drinking life better. Therefore only logical conclusion. If I continue not to drink, my life will probably get better. At least stay this good. Not an alcoholic world. Not drinking life good drink. That's the logic. And we go, yeah, that makes sense. I think I'll have one.

Thank you very much.

I'll tell you a thing that scared the hell of me. I sponsored a guy for a long time. I lost track of him. He had 13 years when he relapsed. He first relapsed on cocaine, smoked that for a while, and then one day he went into a bar and had a beer and this is what he told me. He said for Steve. For 30 minutes, I felt the best I had felt in 13 years.

And I believe that's probably true

because I don't think the steps always work as quickly

and they don't anesthetize the way an ounce of ethyl alcohol does.

You know, this is organic growth in here. It's painful and slow. I mean, it took me 20 years to let the tailgater pass.

Took me 20 years to learn that lesson. I got guys that call me and say, Steve, how can I make the fight with my girlfriend go better? And I have to say to him, I think if you stop saying look, bitch, it will go better.

And they look at me like I'm crazy. Are you sure you tried this?

Say that. What would I say? How about honey, darling, sweetheart? Oh, I don't know.

Now, look, I know if I ever took a drink, you know, you're very good person. You're very good person. You have just wondering. You had 23 years. Just have wondered. Just have wondered. Just have one drink that What's a Long Island Iced Tea? A drink I never had.

I know. And people go, people actually encourage me to relapse when I tell them that throw 23 years away, Steve, you need to have a Long Island Iced tea. I like that much alcohol, that much mixer. My kind of drink. So if I ever took the drink, you're a very good person. You're very good. As soon as it hit my stomach, damn you rotten, stinking loser. You, you just throw away 23 years. Why don't you drink your miserable self to death?

And, and if I could ever get out in front of me, I'd go.

You guys aren't consistent.

We don't have to be. We're demons,

we get to lie a jobs to kill you. So why do you talk to us then? You're sponsored.

Now, if you thought I was a exaggerating when I said Alcoholics Anonymous is lame, I would just like to point out to you for the last five minutes you've watched a man talk to his hands as if they were puppets and have been enjoying yourself. That is lame.

I'm sure when you're doing a little blow and a little Stoli, you wouldn't have thought that was so interesting

driving the Porsche down the road. If I get to Oklahoma, they'll stop following me.

It's not a helicopter because I don't want it to be.

See, Alcohol is a pimp.

Alcohol is a pimp. And every man, a woman here of Disney's Boy and His Girl.

You're going to go to Thanksgiving because grandma's there. Need to see grandma. I haven't been there for a while, you know, just going over to Thanksgiving and alcohol says get in the car. Where's my money?

You need, you need a little, need a little bolt for Timmy's bike because it's Christmas and it didn't come and you're just gonna rundown the hardware story? Just going down the hardware store, coming right back because Timmy's got to have his bike for Christmas. Alcohol says get in the car. Where's my money? Dads die in a stomach cancer and you go in the hospital because damn it, you're going to be there for Dad. You're going to be there because daddy's been there for you. And you're going to put it together this time and you're going to go to the hospital and you're going to sit with Dad and hold his hand while he dies. And alcohol says get in the car and where's my money?

And then some nice judge or therapist sends you to A and A

pent becomes Barry White

who loves you baby. I won't hurt you.

People at A and A are mean baby. Get in the car, baby,

Get in the car. Where's my money? You know, that's it.

No, I just want to tell you, if you're new and mating is about to start, Remember, Remember if you knew, not on Friday night,

not on Friday night, they know where you live.

Remember, Sunday, you'll be checking out

and you can be whoever on Sunday, Astronaut, whatever.

I believe God's got us in a double bind. I believe God's got us in a double bind. I believe I will work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous or I will work the program of alcoholism. But what I won't do is not not work a program. And if you're like me, I hate that. I want to think I have a choice. I choose to stay sober today.

No, I I can't choose to stay sober. All I can do is choose to put myself in a position that will maybe keep me sober or put myself in a position that might get me drunk. That's all I can choose.

If I could choose sober, I wouldn't be here, folks. I can go to a meeting and maybe stay sober, or I can stay home and probably drink and listen to him, but I can't choose sobriety. I just choose where the body is today. I love it. Texas has got a saying, you guys. Everybody said you're another one of those California speakers. I'm sorry. I apologize for California. I'm sorry so many of us come here and talk. I'm sorry some of us spend all of our weekend getting to people leaving. I apologize for that.

I'm sorry I got your last. I'm sorry,

but I at our convention we don't have anybody from South from the Southern California. So we have a lot of Texas speakers. I thought, boy, Texas has a lot of speakers so and we don't resent them.

I

because we're more spiritually advanced. But

but,

but I heard this text is saying they go, you first go to meetings because you have to, Then you go to meetings because you want to. And finally you go to meetings because it's 8:00.

I love that. That's exactly. I go to meetings. I go the same meeting. I go because I don't want to drink, you know, and I don't know. I don't know. So I can work Alcoholics Anonymous or I can work the program of alcoholism. And I don't get this choice and I hate that. But I was trying to think, well, what would the program of alcoholism be like? And I don't know about you, but my 12 step program before I came here good, went something like this one. I declared I was in complete control of my drinking and my life was fine and dandy. Thank you very much.

Two, I was knew there was no power greater than myself, but all of you needed to be restored to sanity. 3 Made a decision to turn my will and my life over the care of alcohol because it was the only thing that understood me. Four made a paranoid and immoral inventory of anybody but me.

Five, admit nothing to nobody ever.

Six became entirely willing to have God punish you for all your defects of character. 7 Humbly ask him to go bug somebody else. Eight made a list of all persons who had harmed me and became willing to take revenge upon them all. Nine took direct revenge whenever possible, especially when to do so would injure them and others.

10 Continue to take your inventory and when you were wrong, promptly told you so. 11 sought through alcohol and medication to improve my unconscious contact with myself, praying only for what I wanted, when I wanted it and the power to get it.

And 12 having achieved spiritual death as a result of these steps, I tried to carry this message to other Alcoholics and take just as many of them with me as I could. You know, 212 step program side by side. And I, the alcoholic will work one or I will work the other. What I will not do is not not work a program. And my experience here, you know, I'm going to stop now, but my experience here is God wants everything and this, this deal really isn't about even getting sober. It's I got to get sober to do the deal, but it's about my relationship with God.

My relationship with you is about my relationship with God. They say, well, I I just having trouble with the spiritual part of the program and we always say the whole thing is spiritual, but life is spiritual all of life, not just in the meeting. The book says the greater demonstration of these principles is out there in my job with my family, with those other people, Because every time I encounter you, I encounter God.

And he wants it all. And I will tell you this, just because this is my experience, I don't have a comfortable relationship with God this year. You know, I don't. God is a problem.

I'll tell you one problem I have with Him. He loves you as much as He loves me.

I don't like this,

don't get me wrong. I want him to love you. I want him to love you. I'm happy he loves you. I just want Him to love me that much more.

The reason I do this is not because I'm such a jerk. It's because I don't feel OK if I'm OK. I have to be special to be OK. See if I'm just OK, I'm not OK and so I need to be special. But see if I'm special, See then. But God doesn't love me because of what I am or what I'm not. He loves me because of who He is,

takes all the performance out of it because I promise you, everybody in here has their boundaries. Everybody in here I, I don't believe I'm capable of unconditional love. Sometimes when I get cleaned out like the Saint Francis prayer, unconditional love flows through me. What the I believe is the group is capable of unconditional love on a good day. Because I got to tell you, every old timer I've ever met, I've seen him be complained, a complete jerk. I've seen him on days when I wouldn't want to hear a thing they said because they were human. And that's what I was going to say in the beginning. On page 63, Bill compares U.S.

bank robber, the minister,

he doesn't compare us to other Alcoholics. And then the alcoholic who is drunk and left everything. And finally I thought, you know what he's telling me when I stopped drinking? I don't have untreated alcoholism. I believe I have something far worse than that.

I have a thing called humanity.

I become a human being. You cut off my wings. I am like that them out there. See, alcohol gave me wings to fly and then it took away the sky. When I'm drinking, I'm bulletproof. You take away the magic elixir and now I am subject to all the shocks that fleshes air to. I am human, and the thing I hate the most is being human and fallible and making mistakes and imperfect and having feelings and all the things that

God and his idiocy somehow thought were good or he wouldn't have created them.

Sadness and anger. And I'm not talking about the anger of the big book, because the anger of the big book, I honestly believe is acting angry, not the feeling of anger because I'm an alcoholic. I don't understand having a feeling and not acting on it. If I'm mad at you, I hate you. If I love you, I sleep with you. That's the way it goes, right?

You just don't have a feeling to experience it. It's something you do, you know, and to learn you can have a feeling and don't have to do anything.

I know that's an Alan on concept, but it works for us too.

And I will tell you, you know, I believe Paul and I love Paul. I believe what Paul says, that nothing in God's universe happens without his permission, Nothing happens without accident. But that's a dilemma for me because if you want to put that to free will, who created free will? And obviously if God gave us free will, in my opinion, we're not capable of handling it. That's like letting a 2 year old kid drive a car. We put a parent in jail. And even if you explain away the free will, how come the planet isn't childproof?

You know, if any of you had a house built like this planet, we put you in jail. If you had children,

where I live, the continental shelves don't even meet. We have earthquakes. Why couldn't a loving God build a planet with no earthquakes? You know, I don't know the answer to that. I can't explain it to you. And yet I believe there's a loving God. And, and you know the answer I finally came down to because I tell you what, I worked in a psych hospital that would make you beg for alcoholism. It's a locked ward with people with no money and no hope and some diseases that they just got

because they got them,

because they exist and they're miserable. I wish a drink could fix some of them, you know, to keep them anesthetized most of their life probably would be a blessing, you know? And I can't answer why they have their life and I have mine. You know, I can't answer if God is the employer, why some people have big contracts and some people seem to have a really crappy job in the company.

You know, I can't answer that question. I can't give you simple answers. For me, this experience of God is to live in some kind of tension, to believe there is a loving God and not be able to explain it all away

simply, you know, And we get that way, you know, when somebody dies, we don't go in there and, well, work the steps, be grateful you had them for a while. Can we just sit and we laugh when they laugh and when they cry, when they cry. When my bomb went off, when I was out in my yard and the bomb went off, they found out this woman was cheating. And I was out there and I was working on the marriage. And the bomb goes off. And all of a sudden you're doing your life and the bomb goes off and all of a sudden there's a flash of light and you close your eyes and you open your eyes and everything is gone. All of it's gone.

Plano, Irvin, wherever those things are that I came out here and this way, Oklahoma City, whatever that, whatever's here, it's gone. The lake's gone. It's all moonscape. Everything you ever believed in is gone. And you're singing. They're naked and your hair's on fire.

And for me, it was this relationship. Maybe it's your kids, maybe it's your job, maybe it's getting older. I don't know what it's going to be for you. Maybe it happens over and over again.

We're coming up on an interview

for people that had this happened to him last year. Everything changes in the blink of an eye. Those people that say God will never give you more than they can handle, I don't agree with that. Life can give me more than I can handle in the blink of an eye. Hopefully, if I'm willing, God will give me the ability to handle whatever comes along, and that's a very different story.

See, I am not Gandhi.

So you sit there and you're naked, your hairs on fire, and there's nothing left. And all of a sudden that your vision clears and there's this blue building down there. In my mind it's Big Book blue, not the new color.

I really don't want to know how much they spent on designing this. It's the UCLA Big Book, but

is that politics? Okay, so but I do love 440 nines now on 417 because you know that's going to be a conference tree now. 470, not 47449.

So you wander down to this Big Blue building because it's the only thing left and you're staggering in there and it's an, a, a building and it's bomb proof. And you look in this big glass window because and there's these guys playing pinochle in my mind, we're talking about this today. There's smoking, you know, I, I remember a meetings when you could even see the leader because there was so much smoke in them.

Look at the old pictures of this meeting. They're smoking at the registration task. And you know, and you go in there and, and now you knock on the window. Now remember, you're naked, your hair's on fire. Most people go, you know, but this is a a so they go come on in,

moving on in. You go in there and you there goes bomb went off, huh Steve?

Unless somebody want to get Steve a cup of coffee at the towel and put his hair out

and you sit in that meeting and you know, I thought to know what step were you all getting your picker broke, all that crap. Nobody ever said that to me. You know, I do that meeting and I'd start crying. I didn't mean to cry because sometimes it's 16 years of sobriety. I was the most hurting alcoholic in the room and my job as the alcoholic was be willing to go at 16 because my head said you should be better than this. You can't go. You have to be an example. And I believe I was an example by going in there broken

and letting newcomers know

that life can hurt at 16 years as much as it hurts at 16 days.

Because I had thought being good had become God. And I thought if I just tried hard enough, everything would go all right. And I learned you can do it all writing and turn out all wrong. That's just the world we live in. Can't explain it to you. Doesn't matter what God looks like. God could look like Stalin, he's still God. I love people go well. I couldn't accept that kind of God. Where you going to get another one?

Not about me to figure out whether I'm going to, you know, I just got to figure out what God is and accept that there is no alternative. Like, OK, we're voting you out. It's not the secretary of the meeting.

It's God. Yeah, he's the father. We're the children. He's the agent, we're the employee. Pretty clear to me, because I'd vote on gravity. Folks don't like it. Want to get it out?

Kingdom of God is not a democracy. Oh well. So

so would I be sitting in that meeting starting crying that there would be like a three-year old arm would come around my shoulder and I wouldn't go? Nope,

you must have 17 years to help me.

I can only hug you. No, I just took it and then and sometime it be a drug addict. Darn

wouldn't even be an alcoholic arm

be a drug addict arm and an A a meeting and I wouldn't go primary purpose unless you identify as an alcoholic. I cannot allow you to. Don't get me wrong, I'm an alcoholic alcoholic. I've never met a drug. Alcohol couldn't help. I'm alcohol. I'm primary purpose. But when your guts are on the floor, that doesn't matter. Only thing that matters is the hug. And you guys laughed when I laughed and you cried when I cried. And you let me heal, and you let me be broken.

And you didn't try to fix it, Most of you. God,

where do you teach that to people who are the losers of the world? They're runners,

people who become mothers and fathers that I would love to be a child with. You know,

people I would have not trusted. A cat two. And I see kids with them today and I just go, no, those kids are so safe. This is a wonderful place. One-on-one equals 3 here.

one-on-one equals three. I can't explain it. If you're not having fun in your Home group, I don't know where you're going. This is the greatest show on the face of the earth for 2 bucks.

And I just love, I love, I love the people I don't like because they're there to teach me something, you know? And, and I would tell you about my heroes, but it's time to mate or date or shop

a little checking out. I will leave you with the story. I always leave you with, this is your story. Now you're welcome to tell it. The story I made-up. It's about the third step. This is, I believe the God, the deal that God's cuts with all of us. There's a drunk and he's sick and he's hurt and he's hung out and he's coming home one day and he runs into God and God's got something in his hand. The drunk goes, what's that? And God goes, this is sobriety. And the drunk goes, oh man, because he's at the magic moment of surrender. I need that, jeez, I need sobriety. How much does that cost? Because the alcohol only stands buying stuff. And God goes, well, how much have you got? And the drunk goes, well, I have about $50.00. And God