Patti L. from Largo, FL at the North Coast Roundup in Portland, OR

Hi, everybody. My name is Patty Latasha and I'm an alcoholic and that's LOCASCIO and my telephone number is 708-895-9597. I think sometimes we're far too anonymous in these rooms. And if you ever want to call, just buy the tape and call and we'll chitchat.

That's the truth. We'll chitchat. We will, or we'll talk. This is the book Alcoholics Synonymous.

What can I say? It's it's our source of authority.

And I read the book for a long time and every time I would read it, there was something new would pop out at me. And I read it for a long time and and all of a sudden this popped out at me. And I've always considered this my terminal disclaimer. It gets it keeps a lot of well meaning critics off my back after I talk. And it says each individual in their personal stories describes in his own language.

Did you hear that

describes in his own language? I don't give a damn about what you say when you're up here. And don't you care what I say when I up here, OK, this is my story. Don't try to live it for me. And it says in their own language

and from his own point of view, the way he established his relationship with God. So this lovely woman who read, I'm sorry, I forgot your name with the hat, Mary, if Mary read today, if what she read was true, AB and C, that I'm an alcoholic, that Patty Locaccio is an alcoholic, and that no human power, no human power in this room could keep me from drinking today. And that God could and would if he were sought. If that is true, and I believe it's true,

then I'm supposed to tell you today

how Patty is developing ING a relationship with God as I understand God,

see. And that's the only message I have to bring you now. This journey of finding this power greater than myself when you're perfect was hard,

was just hard see, and and I came to you really screwed up a lot about the ideas of the concept of God or higher power. And before I get into my sad ass little story, it's really sad when I get to thinking about it. I cry a lot.

Really sad.

It is, It is. You know,

I just want to tell you, I want to thank, first of all, I have to thank the committee for inviting me. Rosa. Thank you, Rosa. Rosa is just a delight. I have to tell you this. And she's been there for all these months and she writes the most wonderful postcards and letters. One time she sent me this postcard and it I had I had to show my girlfriends and boyfriends and it just it was filled up the whole day. She forgot to sign her name now and it was just it just filled up. She gets more

information and more news and more chitchat on one little postcard than anybody I've ever known. She really gets your money's worth for $0.20. I'll tell you, I know we Alcoholics when we come into a A, we get tighter in hell with money. But Rosa, you tick area to whole new nights. But she's a loving woman and I really have enjoyed knowing you and your friendship and I want to thank the committee for your love and your generosity. This is the very first time I've been invited to bring a guest.

I, I invited my husband and my husband had a terrific accident October the 2nd, 1989.

He doesn't do too well. He's 15 years sober. He has good long term memory. He could sit and talk to you about 15 years ago and what it was like and what it was like when he came in and his sponsor in the steps and how he worked the program. But if you asked him what he did 5 minutes ago, he'd have a little trouble remembering that. So he came in the OK. I, we, we had made plans. I had told Rosa that I thought my husband was going to be able to come to this conference. And Tuesday, on a Tuesday, I woke up

and the throat came in my head. Why don't you ask Barbara to accompany you? She's she would like it

Thursday. My husband said I'm afraid of flying. I don't want to go on the airplane. I'm scared of the airplane.

So Friday when I went to the Home group to our meeting, I said, Barbara, how would you like to go to Portland OR there's a big conference there. And she said, yeah, I would like it. And I said, well, in your expenses will be taken care of. And she said, Gee, I would like that. I have to back up and tell you, and

I don't know why I said it this weekend, but what I do in a a as far as these conventions are concerned and being asked to speak, I've always kept it from my Home group and the area that I live in. When I go to meetings, I'm Patty, I'm an alcoholic and I go there to save my ass and that's the way I want to keep it. So nobody knows in my area about things like this,

and it's good for me.

And that's all I have to say about that. So nobody knew. And so when I asked Barbara, she really didn't believe because she called me back and said, you really sure you want me to go?

And I said yes. And so on Barbara's behalf and my behalf, I want to thank this committee for really your, your generosity and your love has been overwhelming. And Darlin, Harlan, if anybody ever gets a chance to pick you up at the airport, have Harlan do it. He knows the best jokes in the whole world. And we got to kiss the big tree and we did the whole tourist bit. But he's bad about feeding you. You have to tell him that you will not budget if he doesn't feed you, you know, every once in a while.

And and that's now we'll get onto my sad ass story.

Every time I, I get into this part of it, it seems like it's just gets a less and less necessary to talk about it. But I believe today that unless you know where I come from, you can't appreciate where I'm at today. So we, but we, we will address it. My mother was a Canadian Indian Ojibwa. You all call him Chippewa sometimes, but the Ojibwa is the is the name for it.

When I was eight years old, I got taken away from that mother and I was put in a home of a man who called himself my father and he was a Sicilian.

My mother was not a nice woman. That's all I have to say about that. My mother was a full blown alcoholic. My mother was illiterate. She was a street whore and that's how she did her thing. We didn't need my sister and I. There was an older sister, Tina, and she took care of me and raised me. She was three years older than myself. Now the family that my mother's family are Indians and I don't y'all should know what Indians living in this part of the country look like there. They look like Indians.

They were told Ojibwas are tall and the black hair parted down the middle and the beautiful bronzed skin, gorgeous high cheekbones, beautiful people. My mother was drop dead gorgeous and my sister is unbelievable. They were all six foot. My sister is 6 foot one. My mother was 6 foot of my uncles and aunties. They were all big and I'm 5 foot 5 1/2. I've got white skin and red hair and I'm an Irish person. You know what? The truth now, the truth of my whole upbringing is that I

got switched in the hospital. I'm really an Irish person that got switched by some drunken non improvidence hospital in Washington DC on July 30th, 1939. That's what really happened. And somewhere on God's green earth there's a 59 year old woman that 6 foot and she's got hair parted down the middle, black. She's got beautiful blonde skin, high cheekbones and her mother are two five foot Irish people, white skin and red hair. That's the real truth of the whole damn thing.

Mother was not a nice woman. She she was a nice person. She wasn't a mother, but she wasn't a nice person. My mother hated me because I was white

and my mother told me that often

and my mother abused me. My mother beat me, ran my arms through washing machine ringers. And it's starting at about four years old. My mother used to let men come in and have sex with me and she would get big money out of that. That was mommy dearest and that sister of mine saved my life because that sister protected me from my mother on more than one occasion. We didn't need on a regular basis. We would go 8910 days without eating.

So when I was eight years old, they took me away from her and they gave me to my

this man who called himself my father. And at the time I think I weighed 50 lbs. I was dying of tuberculosis, and that's the two killers of Indians in this country, alcoholism and tuberculosis. And I was dying of tuberculosis, malnutrition. And I had Ricketts so bad my legs were so vowed I couldn't stand up. And that's the Patty that came to Daddy. Daddy abused me too, but Daddy didn't lay hand on me. Daddy ignored me

and Don you know exactly what I'm talking about when a Sicilian ignores you.

I promised that this blonde over in the half measures availed us nothing section. Raise your hand up, darling. Raise your hand. I tell her about my character defect, about blondes

in the house that my father owned, a very wealthy home, very, very wealthy home. My father didn't know I existed. He had no idea I existed. So he had adopted this guy. He had never had children. And her name was Patricia Ann, and my name was Patricia Ann. So he changed her name to Patsy and my name to Patty. And I hated the son of a bitch right off for changing my name without my permission. And Patsy was beautiful.

Patsy was blonde. Natural blonde, drop dead beautiful. She had Peaches and cream complexion. She had the most winning personality. If you didn't love Patsy, something was something was seriously wrong with you. And everybody adored Patsy. She could come into this room and make anybody feel

at ease and welcomed. You've met people like that. I hated the bitch. I just hated that bitch. Now I have to tell you, she was dumb. God darn, she was dumb. Now, I know that they're a dumb blonde jokes, but this one was dumb, you know? But she had gifts. Somebody from the podium talked about gifts and, and it's true. We all have gifts and and and I hope Patsy and I have made our amends with one another.

Now I here I am,

God bless me, with a inordinate amount of intelligence, big brain. As a matter of fact, I got accused this morning at breakfast of having a head full of useless knowledge. Well, that's what happens to you, goddamnit, when you're a bright person, you know, you have all this little facts floating around in your goddamn head and you know all of this other little shit, you know? Now, most people like us don't have a lick of God damn common sense. We don't know how to take that wonderful intelligence and apply it to everyday life, and I'm one of them. So here I had

beautiful blonde sister, drop dead gorgeous dumb, and here's this skinny ugly little And that's what I thought I was. And believe me, if you think you are ugly then you are ugly. I don't care what you look like, if you think you're something, that's what you are. And I thought I was ugly and retarded and stupid

and nobody. I was an embarrassment to the Indian mother because I was white looking. And I was an embarrassment to that God damn Guinea grease Baldego. Whop. Because I was half Indian, Because I was an engine. That's what they called me, an engine.

So I kept my mouth shut.

And every time Patsy bought home AD at school, my father would throw a big goddamn party AD. And I had all as all as except one time I bought home an A minus. And for all my years in school, I got a A minus was my lowest grade. He never let me forget I got an A minus. The son of a bitch.

See, now that's the Patty I went to. Oh, by the way, I went to 12 years of school and 5 1/2 years I started school and I was 10 years old. I'd gotten out of the TB sanitarium. I was home for six months bed rest. And by the time I was 10, I started school, and by the time I was 15 1/2, I graduated high school.

I'm a brain, see, I'm a brain. That's God's gift to me

and I understand my gift today and I love my gifts and I also hope the hell that you love your gifts and realize that you have them. So I'm out 15 1/2 years old, get a job at the State Department in Washington, DC and I'm on my way. And on the my birthday of my 16th summer, I got a date. I've never had a date before. I was so ugly. I didn't have any bizumes. As a matter of fact, I was so flat chested my, my chest would sink in this way, you know, and I

at a terminal and chronic case of the zits, you know, the big purple ones with the pus running out of it. And my eyebrows grew together and I look like John L Lewis and the hair. See, I'm a Southerner by birth. And and back in those days, Southern ladies didn't shave their armpits or their legs. You know, that was that you were a loose woman if you shaved your armpits in your legs. Well, I had this black stuff growing. You could plaque the damn stuff, you know. And, and I never had to wear black hose because all I had to wear was just go bare legged. People thought I had black hose on, you know,

just ugly, ugly.

So I finally got a date. My father helped get me this date and I call him affectionately from the podium Dog for one of a better word dog. I, it has nothing to do about you men. This is this person. Are we cool with this? Anyway, old dog had three bellies and I, I would look at him. He was just nasty, but he was socially acceptable to a mafia killer. There you have your whole thing there.

So we're going down to North Beach, MD and, and we weren't supposed to go to North Beach, MD because North Beach in the, in those days was where a place where drinkers and gamblers and Loose Women went. I, I just have told you that to southern people, you could be a lot of things. But if you were a woman, you could not drink inappropriately and you could not be at least a loose woman. If you were a loose woman, you were never able to marry properly. And where I came from in the time I was born,

my whole existence was going to be, if I married properly,

Southern women had to marry properly. Should I blew my chances when I slid out of the womb of marrying properly, for Christ sake, you know. So we're headed down to North Beach, MD. And all I could think of when I was going down there, there was two conflicting thoughts. If my father finds out I'm in North Beach, MD, my father's going to kill dog. And then there the other part of Patty. They couldn't wait to see what Loose Women looked like. And gambling and that music and Evils Tavern and that cold beer. Honey

hadn't even had my first drink yet. No, already my heart was pumping a goddamn adrenaline's going boom boom, boom boom boom. And we got down in there. We walked in there and the smell. Now Barbara loves perfume. She loves perfume. This alcoholic loves the smell of beer coming out of the old Taverns. I just think ODA ODA toilet Coors beer. There's nothing sweeter than the smell of old piss and beer. I don't just just it sends.

I get a rush just thinking about it.

And we walked in the Ewald Tavern and that old urine and beer smell and the slot machines were cranking. And I remember that slow music that, you know, hillbillies. Today, they call them country and western. Others are goddamn sophisticated. Don't even sound like country and western music, you know. But back then, it was, lay your head upon my pillow,

help me make it through the night. God damn. And you'd have a cold beer in one hand and a hot man in the other. And that music would start playing. God, that was as close to heaven as I was ever going to get. And I knew it. I knew it at 16 years old, See, And I had that Miller High Life beer. And if there's any newcomers in here today, please just bear with me. Don't sneak out,

don't sneak out. We'll report you to your sponsor. See even you people up there in that half measures availed us nothing section up there. God damn,

like tourists

was that you couldn't afford the price of these tickets down here.

Got plenty of seats down here. We've got some roped off like an accident death scene in Chicago when they had that yellow shit that means somebody then got shot,

probably your Mama.

So here I am sitting in Ewald's Tavern. I'm heaven. I had five Miller highlight beers. It's wet, cold and delicious. The sweats dripping off the bottle. I'm going, it's going down my throat. It hits my belly. There's a little explosion. Boom. I love Clancy when he talks about that. Nobody has yet in all of my years of a a described it like Clancy has, and I love him. I'll give him credit till the day I die. When that alcohol hit my belly, it didn't go anything but

boom.

It was a wonderful explosion and after 5 beers I was like the eagle. Have you ever seen the pictures of the Eagles up on the mountaintops? Honey, whoo,

I was blind,

I was all powerful is nothing I couldn't do. The zips dropped off my face. My tits grew right in front of Maine. Man, I was hot. I was hot.

I've never danced with a man. I dance with every sucker in that place that day and tell jokes. I had a terrific speech implemented this. I still have a terrific speech impediment. God damn it. Here I was telling jokes and they were laughing and I had arrived and even Dog was starting to look good.

Him and his three bellies,

we might have been able to find it. I don't know if I'd had another beer. Well, if something happened. I had my first spiritual experience at the age of 16 sitting in Ewell's Tavern. And I want to tell you something about Alcoholics Anonymous. If you don't have a spiritual experience by God, you will have rude experiences. And if you don't have a spiritual awakening, you will have a rude awakening. Just stick around. We talked about at that meeting last night, Thursday night, you know, when you sit around

and the only thing you can do is just not drink and sit on your hands because life is shit.

When I was new in the program, thank God that there are speakers that have the courage to stand up and say when my problem started, when I stopped drinking,

I didn't come to AA and find wonderful contented honeymoon sobriety. When I stopped drinking, my life turned to shit

and that's when the problem started. And that's when all the feelings and all the floods, the things I had pushed down for years and years and years came bubbling and it's like old methane gas just came bubbling up and it stunk.

So where am I am? I sat in, I'm in the E Walls Tavern, I'm having my 5th beer and all of a sudden I had my first spiritual experience.

The only way I can describe it to you is there's a scene out of the The Wizard of Oz when what it's her name Glenda the good witch. Remember when she came out of the, of the in the bubble, you know, and here's old Glenda coming out. I'm sitting there and old dog is just smiling at me like some bitch. He's just smiling. He's just grinning and he's just man, he's thinking, I read his mind. He was thinking it's only going to take one more beer

and old Linda

and she said, oh darling, she says I'm going to give you the ability to read minds and pop she disappeared. And I looked at old dog and I read his mind and I started grinning at him and he was grinning at me and I was grinning and he was grinning. And I had the 6th beer and I was thinking to myself, you son of a bitch, if you live to be 1000, you won't get in my drawers.

And he didn't. And I never saw a dog again. But that was my first drinking experience.

You know, something magical and mystical happened that day to me. And from what you tell me sitting around the tables of Alcoholics Anonymous, the same thing happened to you. We never drank because we liked the taste of it. We may have liked it, we may not have liked it, but we liked what it did every time we put it in our bodies.

And every time I drank, it took me right up to the mountaintop and I became the eagle again. And God, I was free. And I wasn't ugly and stupid anymore and I wasn't skinny and I wasn't flat chested and I didn't have a speech impediment. I was pretty and I could talk and you think I was going to give that up? You're out of your mind

and I didn't get fallen down sloppy drunk. If you're waiting to hear me say that I got falling down sloppy drunk and passed out and had my first blackout, Man, are y'all in? That's, that's somebody else. That's another speaker.

Alcohol works for me. Alcohol work for a long time for me

and I did things that I went places and I made a lot of money. A lot of money and pleas, for Christ's sake, don't be so ignorant to come up and ask me how I made the money. You know, by the time I was 20, I had big red hair, big tits, I'd had a baby and all the things that should have happened to me happened, had a 19 inch waistline. And I was hot and I knew it because I drank the goddamn alcohol.

And I was in Chicago. It was January 1959. And John Murphy, Godla, he's still sober and he's still alive. And he was selling me real estate up on the Near North Side, up by the Edgewater, the old Edgewater Beach Hotel.

And he said to me, there's a meeting on Sunday night at the Bismarck Hotel. I think you ought to go to it. And I thought it was a real estate meeting.

Yeah. Damn, Ana. He took me there and I thought that was a hoot. I really was. I was not offended. I thought it was a hoot. I thought the man cares that I drink too much. You see, I've always known I'm an alcoholic. I've never had problems with the first part of the first step of alcoholic synonymous. I have always, up until February the 8th, 1977, had problems with the second part of the first step.

When you're young, pretty and rich, it's harder for you people to convince somebody like me that my life's unmanageable. Thank you. I'm doing fine. I have a lot of money. What? What about you? Oh, I'm sober and I live in the back of my car and I don't have any front teeth.

I was around then I heard him talk when he did, or he got spiritual and got teeth.

So I stayed in AAI. Don't know why. I have to tell you though, about my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was a hoot. It was really a hoot. They're all men. They're all men at this meeting. And all of them were over 50 and all of them looked like they had been dead 3 days and somebody forgot to bury them. They had cobwebs hanging off of them, you know, and they were just crotchety and they were just mean looking and nasty, just ugly. Just your garden variety old alcoholic back in those days,

recovering or otherwise.

And God love them, this is what they did. They dedicated the whole meeting to help in me.

All their comments, all their thoughts were geared toward me. And for a full hour they went on and they talked about what alcohol had done to their lives and how alcohol had bought them to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. And they talked about defects of character and the importance of finding a God. And I said, and I listened. I paid attention to them. And at the end of the meeting, this one especially, old crotchety son of a bitch, looked at me and said, Hey girl,

you're all we have.

And I, I, I thought to myself, I hope the hell it's not catching. See.

But it stuck around. Now, here's the part of my story that differs just a little bit from other people's. I never left a A. I never left a a Pat. I just loved it. It was the first time my life had ever been to a place where people, especially men, didn't want anything from me. And I love you. I had never been to a place like that. Never.

Thank you for laughing. Really thank you because you understand.

So I stayed in a a, stayed here, went to a meeting almost every day, got drunk every night, one day at a time,

see. And toward the end and toward the end, when alcohol stopped working for me like it did for all of us,

I used to sit in meetings and drink. And back in those days, nobody said anything to you. Oh, some new Comer would say, God, look at that girl over there. She's drinking. And the old timers would say, oh, that's just Patty. Leave her alone. As she lives long enough, she'll make it

today. They call the cops on you in it funny that we and Alcoholics Anonymous don't know how to handle wet Alcoholics anymore. Isn't that sad? We turned over our sponsorship work and we've turned over our treatment programs and we've, I'm sorry, our 12 step work to treatment programs and detox centers. That's that said that we don't know how to handle wet Alcoholics today. When if you don't believe me, ask yourself when is the last time you went out on a real honest to God 12 step call? When's the last time

I've lived in the city of Chicago in the Calho Calumet area? 19 years and I I've gotten a total of 3 calls. We have 4000 meetings a week in Chicago, 4000 meetings a week. Chicago in and of itself is an area assembly

and I've gotten 3 calls in 19 years.

Enough of that. I'll get off my soapbox about that. I think we AAS ought to get back to taking care of our own people. I I think the insurance companies are going to see that we do that.

But as long as I'm on my soapbox, we better talk about chemical imbalance.

Jesus, it's the new fad thing.

I don't know about out here in Oregon, but the other couple of months ago I said in a meeting in Indiana, there were twelve of us and seven were on Prozac, Zoloft and Xanax because they were chemically imbalanced and depressed. You show me one alcoholic that comes to recovery that is not depressed.

Now, please, please, I understand that there are people who are medically depressed and need medication. I know that. So don't come after up here afterwards and give me some shit. Please don't. And I understand that are people that are need to be on medication. I'm I'm not for I'm just saying that because the medical profession and the insurance industry has lost their little

star with alcoholism and substance abuse. They just switched all their thing now to this chemical imbalance. Be very careful of any doctor that wants to put you on something from manic depression.

Be very careful. It's maybe do yourself a favor and take your sponsor and go get a second opinion. You know that always helps. Usually they alcoholic doctors don't want to talk to two recovering people in the same room because they're afraid you're suing for malpractice. That's enough of that.

Sounds like I hate doctors Done. And no, I don't. I really don't. I just tolerate the bastards.

We'll get on lawyers next.

So anyway, here I am,

full blown alcoholic

and I've been drinking for a lot of years and all the things, all those wonderful things I told you about the eagle up on the mountain and the freedom and the sense of power and the sense of everything is now gone.

And because I come from an Italian family, have you ever heard of a female Don? Have anybody in this room ever heard of a female Don? No, it's because we don't get it because our plumbing is on the inside and the other guys, their plumbings on the outside, that's about and they have a pea brain, most of them anyway.

But my father had something I wanted. Anybody know the word that my father had that I wanted? POW, right, Don POWERI loved it. I love power and most Alcoholics sitting in this room and you Al Anon's too. Let's fess up to it. You like it too. It's savory. And then roll it around in your mouth. Power tastes good, doesn't it? Even feels good. Power. Power.

We've been supposed to pray for the God damn thing in step 11, aren't we? Power.

Power. See, so I wanted power. And I equated in my little pea brain up here the difference, the power that my father had with money. That's what I wanted. I thought if I got enough money, I could get power, the same power he had. And so somewhere along the line I'd go into bars and I was tired of being treated like a second class citizens. And of course I was going to lower and lower and lower and lower bars. And finally I got tired of putting up with the bullshit simply because I was female and had tits at the time,

so I carried the great equalizer. It's called a 38. Get you instant respect anywhere you go

and people would start mouthing off and I'd say leave me alone, I want to drink. I'm not here to go to bed or have sex. I just want a drink, see? And I'd ask him politely three times and after the third time, if they didn't leave me alone, I just blew their kneecap off. And the 4th time I would aim a little bit higher, see,

And that's what I did. And I became a vicious, mean, ugly drunk.

And I'm not proud of that. And I don't brag about that. That's just the way it was. That's the truth. I became a mean, vicious person. And all that hate and all that venom that had been done to me, I took out on the rest of the world. I was going to make the whole I I don't, I've never considered myself a prejudice person. Never. I don't think I am. I just hated everybody and everybody was going to have to pay for what was done to me.

And I started shooting cops. There was a funny thing. I used to like to fight

and cops would come to the bars and try to break up the fights and I would just whip out my 38 and shoot a cop, you know, shoot a car. You thought about it. I did it, see, and I started going to jail and I started going to prisons and I did five times in prison. I'm not proud of that. It just happened. It's the fact I did it and my father would Get Me Out every time. The 4th, the 5th time, the last time I was sentenced to prison was 1972. I was sentenced to four counts of murder one

and 5th sentence for being a habitual criminal and it was Lowell Penitentiary in Florida and I was guilty

and I didn't care anymore. I didn't care whether I lived or died. I was so full. I hate and venom. I hated everything and hated everybody and I didn't know that the thing I hated the most was Patty.

So now that we've got over that little sad ass story, now we'll get to the good stuff.

My father got me out one last time and let it be known through my godfather that he no longer cared whether I lived or died and believed me. And where I come from, the kind of family I come from, that's a death sentence when when your father, who is, doesn't care whether you live or die. And I knew that all I had to do was step out of line one more time and I would be dead. Not by the cops, but by my father.

So I went to where the place where I thought I belong, I went to Skid Row and that's where I spent the next five years of my life. There was a period, November 14th, 1975. Why I remember that I don't know, but I have been going to meetings in Lakeland, FL and there was this man named Bob Terry. He's dead now

and he used to say, baby girl, he says for Christ's sake, God loves you so much. He said give yourself a chance. Give a a chance. Just come to us. Come to us and let us love you. Come to us and let us help you.

And I'd laugh and I'd say, Bob, I said, I'm one of those poor unfortunates. I I can't get this shit 'cause I don't believe in your God.

And on February the 8th, 1977,

the miracle happened, and somebody said it in the newcomer meeting at noon today. For Christ's sake, please don't leave before the miracle happens. Somebody said it in the meeting last night. Awesome. Don't leave before the miracle happens,

because in February the 8th, 1977, I woke up and for the first time in my life I wanted to live. I wanted to really live.

I didn't want to live the way I was living anymore. The angle shooting, the chucking, the conniving, the jiving, the the lying, the shortchanging. I didn't want to be that way anymore. And I didn't know how to live any other way. And I was scared shitless. And I said the prayer. Well, the God of the ace helped me to to not drink today. I'll do what I'm told to do no matter what.

And I don't know what happened. And we've tried to piece it together. Those folks that love me down in Florida, we've tried to piece it together. But they found me that I was living up underneath this bridge at Lake Eloise, Florida. And they found me in Lakeland, FL, crawling down the 7th floor corridor, the Lakeland General Hospital. And that's where they held a noon, A, a meetings, nooners.

And Bob Terry was there. He was working there

and I weighed about 600 lbs. I was covered with syphilis and wine sores and running pus and had no hair, no teeth, no fingernails and didn't resemble a human being.

And he propped me up against the wall

and he looked and he stared and he said Patti.

And he hugged me the shit and the vomit

in a pus, and he hugged me and he hugged me and he hugged me and he said welcome back babe.

And then I died

and for six months I died. My heart would stop. I only have 15% of my liver. I blew my pancreas,

I have diet, alcohol induced diabetes. I have just enough liver to get along. I found that out. They've been wanting to yank out my left kidney for 21 years and I still have it and I keep telling. My God damn doctor ought to have a toe dance on your grave, honey.

And so I died. My heart would stop and they put the paddles on and I started staying alive and my heart started working like it was supposed to work and my liver started functioning and the enzyme started coming back

and then they sent this 4 foot 11 Dynamo to my room. Oh by the way, I got to tell you this. I got to thank Al Anon and Alateen, and let me tell you the reason why.

Lakeland General Hospital, I didn't have any money, I have insurance, I didn't have anything

and they said they would keep me if a a would provide for somebody every two hours. And there was a lot of recovering Alcoholics, but there was a lot of members of the Al Anon family groups in the older Altins that would take their two hour shifts.

And I'd wake up, I'd come to, and here was this strange face smiling, saying hi, Patty. Hi.

What's your name? Helen. Phyllis. Sue. Joe. Jim. Don

and I woke up one time when there was this 4 foot 11 evil looking thing.

Just evil looking smile, great big smile. And my father told me when I was a little girl there were only two types of people that smiled a lot. Retarded people and truly, truly evil people smile a lot.

Truly evil people smile a lot

and I was trying to figure out what the hell this bitch was, whether she was retarded or evil,

and she said hello darling, I'm your sponsor.

She said, my name is Katie Haygood and they have assigned me to be your sponsor. And she said welcome to sobriety. Here are the things that you will do if I am to remain your sponsor. Now, I wasn't lucid. I I was almost, I wasn't wet brain, but I was damn damp, honey, I'll tell you. And and she started rattling off the things I had to do. One, it didn't mention steps, did not mention steps. Newcomers,

you know what she mentioned to me? We will be self supporting through our own contributions. You will get a job,

a legal job, one that you pay taxes on.

Huh. So they would take me to meetings in Crawford, who was 14 years sober. And Crawford walked on his heels. And Crawford wasn't all there, but he, he was sober and he had a big old white DeSoto. And he would put me in the back and he would take me to Saint Joe's meeting every Monday night. And, and he never had any shotgun absorbers on this damn white car. And Jesus. And he'd go 90 miles an hour and we'd hit a set of railroad tracks and come down 5 miles later. That's how bad the shock absorbers were.

And he drove in the the lane where the people park the parking lane. And he'd come, he'd see a park car and he'd go this way and he'd go out in traffic and right there on highway, I think it is on my brain is not working right. I think it's 41 coming through. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. It's 30. So anyway, we'd be coming down the parking lane and I was in the back seat and he was turned around. He was trying to tell me about the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous in 15 minutes, see. And he had to tell me all about the Big Book.

In 15 minutes and I'm going, we come up behind a park car and he'd push out and then a great big old semi would come down and put the air brakes on. I go like this and we come up and there's another Parker and he was trying to tell me that pitiful and incomprehensible tomorrow's relation. But we can get we can get healthy if we have an entire psychic change because an alcoholic that doesn't drink, it just doesn't drink it doesn't have an entire psychic change becomes restless, irritable. And

I'd show like this and just how we'd pull out and then he'd turn around again. We'd become restless here to boy and desk untenant and we won't drink again.

And so that night when he took me back to the hospital, he says I'm not a medical person, but I want to tell you ought to have that God damn asthma checked out girl.

And that's the way it started. Six months later, they released me from the hospital and and Katie took me to her house. And I hear all the time you ought to carry the message, not the alcoholic. And if you said that to Katie today, she tell you to F off. I know we don't say the F word in Oregon. And she tell you that that's what I was told today. I hear it a lot. At this meeting, though, she told me to Alf off and she do what you damn well wanted to do. She was 38 years sober. And when you're sober, as long as I am, then you tell me what to do.

That's what she would say back in those days.

So she took me in her house and there were 12 conditions to my life, parole from prison, and there were 14 conditions to Katie sponsorship. First one was I had to zip the lip and cross the legs. I said how long? She said we generally start with a year.